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How to create the marriage of your dream 1

We are in an era that marriages are ending in divorce at an alarming rate; thoughNigeria may not have accurate data on the present rate of divorce, but itsobvious from write ups in tabloids that its reaching an endemic situation in thecountry. I read recently the interview of two prominent singers; what struck meabout the two of them is that they are divorcees. The marriage of one thoseinterviewed didnt even last up to a year before they both threw down the towel

and towed the path of divorce.

I have the privilege of been told the state of homes by people who get back to meon my write ups in this newspaper and another national newspaper I write for; theresponses that I get shows that homes are not as stable as many couples portray itto the world. I feel that Fela was right when he sang the song, suffering andsmiling. To people, some couples appear like perfect partners until one of themdecides to stop deceiving him/herself and others.

One reality that every single must come to term with is that divorce has come tostay; however, you can decide that it shouldnt come into your own home in future.I appreciate the statement made by Reverend Sam Adeyemi; he said, Marriage islike a besieged city, those that are inside want to come out and those that are

outside want to come in. Some of the people married are just sick and tired oftheir marriage and are either planning to pack it up or they have decided toendure it, all because of their children.

I have observed that lot of singles like some couples want to get married withoutunderstanding why marriages succeed or failed; there is an assumption that thoughanyone have gone through a divorce their marriage will never end that way. Whenthey see people that have successful marriages, they assume that it just happenedlike a miracle. That assumption is the undoing of many that are married today;they discover after marriage that for the union to succeed, one of the partieshave to be a little bit wiser than the other.

If your desire is to have successful marriage, you must consciously learn from

those that have gone that way before you; there is a need to learn from theirexperience and not from yours after marriage. I appreciate the Nigerian adage thatsays, Ogbon o logbo, la fin so gbon. It means that one should learn from otherpeoples experience; that to me is wisdom. I really dont appreciate the Nigerianadage that says, Matrimony is the place of learning. The statement I willappreciate every single that will be privilege to read this write up to think onis, why learn from experience what you can learn from what others have gonethrough.

I will like to share with you in this write up two of the ways to create themarriage of your dream and will continue in subsequent weeks-

Stop daydreaming, start dreaming- When I was much younger, I love reading novels

written by James Hadley Chase and Barbara Cathland (I hope I spelt her namecorrectly); I love the imagination those books left in my heart then. Hadley Chasenovels make me feel like a bad guy who wants to handle a gun. It always gives methe feeling of a big, bad boy (love the feeling then when I read the novel).Barbara Cathland novels, however, make me feel like a prince; it makes me have thefeeling that some day I will meet my princess and have the prince like experiencethat I have read about.

What I find interesting in love novels is the impression they always leave behind;the impression that marriage is a happily ever after experience. Some of thepeople who got married with this impression are now living in frustration because

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marriage is a happily + challenges + happily + challenges, ever after. My adviceto singles who will read this write is stop daydreaming; like every otherrealities in life, the marriage institution also has its own challenges.

Mara has always dreamed of been involved with a rich guy who will treat her likean angel; she likes the imagination of getting married to a guy that will confesshis undying love with all the good things of life that money can buy. Lots of guyscame her way, yet they were not rich, sophisticated, powerful or influential

enough. So she kept banging guys a no when they proposed marriage until Dave wooedher. He was the son of one of the influential monarch in their community and hadlots of the green notes to spend. They got married with lots of pomp in a quitearrangement with only few friends and family members invited; everything that theyhad on was shipped into the country. Her joy was short lived when after few monthsof been married; a woman with two children who has the resemblance of her husbandturned up in their home. She claimed, she was his wife (whom he hadnt divorcedlegally and he had only done tradition rites for her (Mara)) who has just returnedfrom overseas (everyone in the compound seems to know and relate with her well)and ordered that her things be thrown out. When she called Dave to pass themessage of her experience, he told her to stay in the hotel until he came to seeher. Dave traveled abroad with his wife, never to return to her again- he diedshortly because of a medical condition abroad. He has since been buried with no

family member wanting to have anything to do with Mara; she didnt have any childfor him in their short lived marriage.

My definition of dreaming is- having a mental picture of the future with thedesire to fulfill Gods purpose. From my Christian perspective; some day we willall give account to God of what we did here on earth. Every single shouldtherefore dream of a marriage with the objective of pleasing God who has broughtthem together and not themselves. If your dream of the future is centered on yourhappiness, you will never stop been frustrated after you have taken yourrelationship to the stage of marriage.

Unset your mind- I have encountered singles (women especially) with good hearts;they are lovable, good and the kind of women I feel will be the best for men who

are single, yet they are unmarried. I usually get amazed when I talk with thesesingles until when I start relating with them and over 70% of the time I discoverthat one key challenge they have is their mindset. They have over the yearsdeveloped some thinking pattern that is detrimental to the success of anyrelationship; some of these thought pattern has been strengthened by theexperiences they have gone through.

A lady that knew her dad to be irresponsible and has gone through heartbreaks inthe hand of guys who are irresponsible will be conclusive in her perspective ofmen- they are all irresponsible. I went to speak in a singles meeting years ago;during the question and answer, a lady stood up not to ask a question but to makea statement that shows that her mind has been set when it comes that issue. Shesaid, I will never get married to a poor, struggling guy because when her dad was

poor, he was a loving father; however, when his lot changed, he becamepromiscuous. To her its not worth it going through difficult situations with anyman and in the end get treated the way her mum was treated.

Years ago, I heard a single say that she is praying that the mother of any man shewill get married to will died before they get married; my response is that sheshould also prepare to die before any of her children get married because what shesows is what she will reap in her own life too.

Some men have developed the mindset that no woman can be trusted; with thatthought pattern, they are drained of the ability to create the marriage they so

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desire. You cant have a faulty mindset and have a glorious marriage.

Do you have a question on any relationship issue or do you want to receive mymonthly text messages? I also want to specially invite you for a monthlyrelationship meeting. Send a text with your email address and get a free e-book;your confidentiality will be kept.

Olufemi Fasanya

+2348037257479www.relationship-singles.blogspot.com