HOW TO COPE WITH THE CHALLENGES OF BEING THE SIGNIFICANT OTHER

OF A LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER AND A MILITARY RESERVIST

Jennifer Ann Mireles

California State University, Northridge

December 2013

STATEMENT OF PURPOSE

• This workshop has been designed to focus on providing insight to the wives behind the badge. Support and awareness of what it takes to be the significant other of a Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Deputy is key, when dealing with the challenges of busy schedules, department obligations, home obligations and much more. Knowledge on maintaining a healthy marriage and strong communication skills is what the presenters hope to enhance within their attendees of this workshop. By building on skills such as; conflict resolution, strengthening the intimate and work related bonds with your Deputy, developing a strong social support group and proper communication. These and many other aspects will assist in providing an individual with a positive outlook, independency, a healthier physical and emotional demeanor, and financial stability within your marriage.

INTRODUCTION• Presenters

• Background/Experience with the topic• A spouse of a Sheriff’s Deputy and licensed Marriage Family Therapist

• Introduction of Guest Speakers (if necessary)• What to expect during this workshop

• Gain awareness and knowledge of what your deputy will be exposed to throughout his career.

• Provide tools to assist in your time of need when feeling disconnected from your deputy.

• How to develop a positive social support group• Preparing for possible deployment should your loved one be dual

employed as a U.S. Military Reservist.• Solution Focused techniques when attempting to solve communication

issues at home. • Helping your children understand why “Daddy can’t

make the holiday occasions or school activities?” • Coping with stresses related to the dangers of the job.

DEFINING WHAT THEY “DO”

Who are the these Law Enforcement Officers (LEO’s) we love?

• These LEO’s/Reservists are not just part of these private communities but also play important roles within their own families, such as: Fathers, Husbands, Sons, Grandsons, friends, etc…

Definition of Law Enforcement Officers• Various types of officers Local and State

Definition of a Military ReservistThe Importance of Partners Identifying who is the “The Brass” at the station

WHAT TO EXPECT

• During the Academy…• In the beginning

• Adjusting to the demands of the academy• Uniforms, schedules, firearms, terminology, Training Officers(T.O.s)

• In the middle• Deputy is more comfortable and is discovering strengthens and

weaknesses and what he needs to improve on.• Developed routines• Expect use of acronyms

• Code-4, 10-8, Copy, Code-3, T.O., etc…

• “Light at the end of the tunnel…”• Graduation!!

• A proud day for you and your deputy.• It’s now real!!!

WHAT NOT TO EXPECT• During the academy

• In the beginning• Be prepared for your family time to be disrupted• Attending events as a couple

• In the middle• Less time spent with family & friends as a couple• Emotional connectedness

• Light at the end of the tunnel…• Graduation!!!

• Life as you both know it, will be changing. • Be ready

FINANCIAL OBLIGATIONS

Despite what you may think your deputy will need to buy a great deal of equipment that is not issued by the county such as:

Additional Uniforms including alterationsAccessories for his Sam BrowneAdditional firearms; i.e. back up weaponBullet Proof Vests

What does the county pay for?County does provide an annual clothing allowance.

Fund Raiser Contribution

YOUR DEPUTY HAS SUCCESSFULLY COMPLETED THE

ACADEMY, NOW WHAT?Traditionally the Sheriff’s Department assigns new deputies to their first assignments such as Custody or Courts

Custody Assignments• Serve at one of the local county jails i.e.: Men’s Central Jail

(MCJ), Pitchess Detention Center (Wayside), North County Correctional Facility (NCCF), Twin Towers Correctional Facility, Century Regional Detention Center (CRDF)Women’s Jail.

Length of time in Custody• Depends on which Station Deputy chooses.• Average time varies.• Some never leave custody.

Court Assignments • The deputy is assigned to any court within the L.A. County limits

GOING OUT TO PATROL TRAINING

• What happens when your deputy is coming close to beginning patrol training?• Patrol School – 2-3 weeks in classroom

• Preparing for patrol school• Ride-a-longs at potential stations – do as many as possible prior to patrol• Preparing Maps, studying case law, penal codes, radio codes etc…

• This could start way before coming close to going out.

• Length of patrol training: at least 6 months (street time)• Varies depending on Deputies progress in training.

• The demands of Patrol Training• Lack of sleep• Weight loss• Long shifts – staying hours after shift has ended to complete reports• Learning to write reports• Booking of evidence• Processing suspects• Court appearancesMany Deputies have stated that this is the hardest training they will ever

experience in their entire law enforcement career. It’s the most exciting and exhausting training they will undergo.

• Training Officers (T.O.’s)• Stations – Any within the L.A. County Lines

HOW TO JUGGLE THE SHIFT WORK SCHEDULESShift Work Schedules

• This is the schedule that your deputy will be assigned once patrol training is complete. •PM’s, Early’s & Days – hours may vary depending on station

RDO or Regular Days off• Your Deputy’s days off will rotate each month. Talk with your deputy to gain an understanding on how they rotate and the likelihood of him getting time off.• Holidays, vacations, anniversaries, family events planned in advanced; the likelihood of him attending is not likely at least for the first 2 years. Despite his time in custody he will be starting from the bottom up with no seniority.

County Doubles• This is usually a 16 hour shift within a 4 day work week. 3 – 8 hour shifts and 1 16 hour shift.

Variances• Requesting a day-off using personal time but needs to be approved by the scheduling office to insure that there is enough coverage for the day.

Swaps• When two deputies agree to switch a shift in order to accommodate each other. • Be aware in the first year after patrol your deputy may be “volun-told” to do a swap for a higher ranking deputy. All part of being a rookie.

Seniority regarding time off• Vacation scheduling is offered twice a year during winter and summer times.

MYTHS OF DIVORCE

• Why do law enforcement officers have a bad wrap when it comes to divorce?• Many marriages despite having a significant other in the law

enforcement/military communities end in divorce, so why are we pointing the ugly finger of divorce at this specific population?

• Miscommunication amongst the couple can a be key issue. • Keeping your partner informed with changes• Allowing one another to speak opening about their concerns

• Despite what is reported, amongst all occupations, believe it or not statistically Police Officers and Military Service Members do not have the highest divorce rate. • What needs to be asked when seeing these results is what the

under lying issues prior to the divorce with the couple• Were they experiencing issues of trust, infidelity, lack of

communication, etc… prior to the partner becoming a Deputy or beginning training.

INFIDELITY IN POLICE COUPLES

• So what about infidelity???• The myth about cops, especially male cops, is that they at

one point become unfaithful.• Reasons for this misconception – the various opportunities to

meet women during shifts • Shiftwork schedules• The so-called “Badge-Bunnies”

• Women who only seek men in uniform only• Here are some signs that your marriage is heading toward a marital breakdown

• Loss of friendship and respect for each other• Negative moments out weigh the positive ones• Conversations continuously lead to criticisms• Hurtful behaviors – no consideration• Lack of equality• Your partner refuses to see your point of view

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Two studies have found that at least 40% of police officer families experience domestic violence, (Johnson, 1991) (Neidig, et. al. 1992) in contrast to 10% of families in the general population.(Strauss & Gelles, 1990)

A third study of older and more experienced officers found a rate of 24% (Neidig & Russell, 1992), indicating that domestic violence is 2-4 times more common among police families than American families in general.

A police department that has domestic violence offenders among its ranks will not effectively serve and protect victims in the community (Levinson, 1997) (The Boston Globe, 1998) (Feltgen, 1996) (Lott, 1995).

Moreover, when officers know of domestic violence committed by their colleagues and seek to protect them by covering it up, they expose the department to civil liability.7

Early Signs that detect whether you are in a domestic violence relationship• Obsessive• Controlling• Isolation• Charming

If this happens to you, what avenues you can take?

• Find an advocate who is independent from police agencies and experienced in working with police officer violence.

• Make a comprehensive safety plan: put money aside he doesn't know about, identify where you can flee with your children, etc. Domestic violence shelters can help you with this anonymously.

• While the tendency is to take "baby steps" so as not to enrage him, once you make your move, the more power you can muster, the more likely you can stand up to the power you'll be up against. Report to police or district attorney, get a restraining order and report to his police agency all at once.

• If police and DAs are unresponsive, go to the press.

KEY TO A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

• Assertive Open Communication!!!

• Emotional Connectedness

• Maintained Intimacy

• Time Spent With One Another

• Compromise and Understanding of Each Others’ Needs

• Sacrifices by Both Parties

• Appreciation for One Another

BENEFITS TO HAVING PROPER RESOURCES AND SUPPORT

Why is it beneficial to have a support system in place?• Having a support system can mean the difference between a

potential marital breakdown and a successful marriage.• Assisting with the children to allow you a break when feeling

overwhelmed.• Offering emotional support by allowing you to vent concerns or

fears

Who is your support system?• Family• Friends• Co-workers• Fellow Law Enforcement/Military Significant Others• Spiritual – Clergy, Priest, Rabbi, etc…

Process Group Activity

MENTAL HEALTH

• Emotional detachment from loved ones

• Sleep deprivation• Causes of sleep deprivation

• Affects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder• What is PTSD?• What to do if you or your loved one develops PTSD

ACTIVITY

A mind jar is a self-calming tool to use when

someone experiences feelings of frustration

or extreme stress. Image each different color

glitter as each troubling thought.

Once shaken take a few breaths in and out

and watch as the glitter slowly settles to the

bottom.

The outside décor is a reminder of all the

positive things in your life that have great

meaning to you.

HOW TO MAINTAIN COMMUNICATION

Ways to keep open communication with your deputy• Developing active listening skills• Speaking openly about concerns of your deputy and

your deputy’s concerns.Types of Communication• Verbal

• Speaking• Non Verbal

• Facial Expressions• Body Language• Tone of voice• Eye Contact

MANAGING YOUR DEPUTY’S ADDITIONAL OBLIGATIONS WHILE

MAINTAINING THE HOUSEHOLD

• The various obligations

Household vs. Work• Children Issues Off Training Parties• Household Chores B2V Run• Financial matters Fund Raisers

DEALING WITH OUTSIDE PUBLIC SCRUTINY

• Family Members; parents, aunts, uncles, siblings

• Friends

• Media; social networks; i.e. Face Book, Twitter, You Tube, news media, radio, etc…

• Civilians; the public

BEING HURT ON THE JOB

• What happens if your Deputy is hurt on the job?• Seek medical attention• Physical Therapy (if needed)

• The emotional affects on your Deputy and on you.• Deputy may be mandated to see a professional therapist depending

on the severity of the circumstances such as traumatic pursuit accident or being shot.

• You may also pursue the assistance of a professional therapist to allow you to process the feelings you experienced during the terrifying ordeal.

OFFICER INVOLVED SHOOTINGS

• What happens should your Deputy be involved in an Officer Involved Shooting?• In the event your deputy is involved in a shooting a thorough and lengthy

investigation of the incident will be conducted. • Station will do everything they can to assist Deputy during this process.

• What are the repercussions?• Possible loss of job• Disciplinary action; leave with or without pay• Law suits from the suspects family • Liability: Jail/Prison Time

• Can your deputy lose his job?• Yes if the investigation outcome shows the Deputy acted in an unfavorable

manner.

• How long will he have to “ride the desk?”• This depends on the length and outcome of the investigation.

• Will he be required to see a Therapist?• Yes.

IF YOUR DEPUTY IS ALSO A MILITARY RESERVIST

• What happens if your Deputy is called to duty?• Pre Deployment• Boots on the Ground – Deployment• Post Deployment

• The Do’s and Don'ts when he returns

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES FOR MILITARY RESERVISTS

FAMILIES• Provide link to Double

Duty A Guidebook for Families of Deployed Law Enforcement Officers

https://www.theiacp.org/LinkClick.aspx?fileticket=rEhfS6FviR0%3D&tabid=494

• The Service flag is an official banner authorized by the Department of Defense for display by families who have members serving in the Armed Forces during any period of war or hostilities the United States may be engaged in for the duration of such hostilities.

WHAT RESOURCES CAN THE STATION PROVIDE YOUR FAMILY

SHOULD YOUR DEPUTY DEPLOY?

Military Deployment Services Provided by Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department• The Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department maintains a specific

department designed to assist not only the deputy who will or has deployed but also their families left behind.• Los Angeles (CA) Sheriff’s Department (LASD) established a Vets 4 Vets

Program – a peer support network that connects previously activated LASD reservists with personnel who are currently reintegrating back to family and department. (IACP, 2010)

• The Military Activation Committee (MAC) was created after the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks to address the needs of employees who were military reservists called to active duty. A key goal of the MAC is to ensure that department members return to a welcoming environment.45 Each key unit in the department has a military liaison officer. (COPS Innovations, 2008)

MEDICAL BENEFITS SHOULD YOUR DEPUTY DEPLOY

• ALADS – L.A. County Sheriff’s Department• Association for Los Angeles Deputy Sheriffs

• http://www.alads.org/

• DEERS – U.S. Military• Defense Enrollment Eligibility Reporting System

• http://tricare.mil//deers/

A SPOUSES WORST NIGHTMARE; INLINE OF DUTY DEATHSOR KILLED IN ACTION

• Go to your support group during this time of need; it won’t easy the pain but they can help you dealing this tragic time• Seek resources for the family from Military• Assistance from the County• Support from the Station• Family• Friends• Partners of the fallen deputy

HOW TO ADDRESS FEARS AND FINDING WAYS TO COPE

• Discussing them with your Deputy

• Focusing on the positive

• Keeping busy

• Finding ways that you and your Deputy can communicate to insure that he is ok should something happen.

KEEPING UP WITH YOUR DEPUTY BY BEING ASSERTIVE

Techniques you can use (Kirschman, 2007, p. 37) Stand up for your rights Express your opinion Offer constructive criticism Initiate conversations End conversations Reject unreasonable criticisms or demands Disagree with the opinions of others Make your needs and wishes know!!!!! (BIG ONE) Accept and give compliments Seek out friends (This can help when feeling lonely as long as it doesn’t

cause a divide between you and your deputy) Make suggestions Say no when appropriate Ask for Information (If you don’t understand make your deputy explain it

until you do) Tell others about yourself

DEALING WITH THE HIGHS AND LOWS OF PATROL TRAINING

Adjusting to your deputy’s highs and lows of the job•Communication, Communication, Communication!!• Allow your deputy to express his frustrations of the job without feeling judged.•Apply active listening skills

Coping with your deputy’s moods and sleep deprivation• Symptoms include:

• Fatigue, • Moodiness, • Depression, • Irritability, • Concentration and Memory Impairment.

Understanding and allowing your deputy time to recuperate after long shifts is key.

• Discuss with your deputy how to workout times when he needs space and when you need quality time. •Again Communication, Communication, Communication!!

EMOTIONAL DISCONNECT FROM YOUR DEPUTY

• Discuss openly and be strong and assertive with your needs that are being neglected

AFFECTS ON CHILDREN

How to bring children to understand the importance of what their Father does

Maintaining open communication about their concerns for the safety of their Father

Addressing your child’s concerns and questions as to why their father has different schedules then their friends at school.

RESOURCES

• Seek counseling for significant others, children, and Deputies when needed.

• Seek out additional Support Groups such as this one.

• Wives Behind the Badge www.wivesbehindthebadge.com

• Police Wives www.policewives.org

• Reading Materials• I Love A Cop – Ellen Kirschman

• Bullets in the Washing Machine – Melissa Littles

Our motto as the supporting wives of these Officers

REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT ALONE. IT TAKES A STRONG CONFIDENT

WOMAN TO SACRIFICE HER OWN NEEDS FOR THE NEEDS OF OTHERS.

REFERENCES

• Bureau of Justice Assistance U.S. Department of Justice & International Association of Chiefs of Police (2011). Double Duty A Guidebook for Families of Deployed Law Enforcement Officers. Retrieved March 13, 2013 from https://www.theiacp.org/LinkClick.aspx?fileticket=rEhfS6FviR0%3D&tabid=494

• Bureau of Labor Statistics, U.S. Department of Labor, Occupational Outlook Handbook, 2012-13 Edition, Military Careers, Retrieved March 25, 2013 from http://www.bls.gov/ooh/military/military-careers.htm

• Bureau of Labor Statistics, U.S. Department of Labor, Occupational Outlook Handbook, 2012-13 Edition, Police and Detectives. Retrieved March 25, 2013 from http://www.bls.gov/ooh/protective-service/police-and-detectives.htm

• Feltgen, J. (October, 1996). Domestic violence: When the abuser is a police officer. The Police Chief, p. 42-49.

• Johnson, L.B. (1991). On the front lines: Police stress and family well-being. Hearing before the Select Committee on Children, Youth, and Families House of Representatives: 102 Congress First Session May 20 (p. 32-48). Washington DC: US Government Printing Office.

• Kirschman, E. (2007). I Love A Cop What Police Families Need to Know. New York, NY. The Guilford Press

• Levinson, A. (June 29, 1997). Abusers behind a badge. Arizona Republic.

• Lott, L.D. (November, 1995). Deadly secrets: Violence in the police family. FBI Law Enforcement Bulletin, p. 12-16.

• Neidig, P.H., Russell, H.E. & Seng, A.F. (1992). Interspousal aggression in law enforcement families: A preliminary investigation. Police Studies, Vol. 15 (1), p. 30-38.

• P.H. Neidig, A.F. Seng, and H.E. Russell, "Interspousal Aggression in Law Enforcement Personnel Attending the FOP Biennial Conference," National FOP Journal. Fall/Winter 1992, 25-28.

• Police departments fail to arrest policemen for wife abuse (November 15, 1998). The Boston Globe.

• Straus, M. & Gelles, R. (1990). Physical violence in American families - risk factors and adaptations to violence in 8,145 families. New Brunswick, NJ: Transaction Publishers.

• Webster B. (2008). Combat Deployment and the Returning Police Officer. U.S. Department of Justice COPS INNOVATIONS www.cops.usdoj.gov