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How to be great at interviews

Interviews: These are needed for progression in just about everything. I can guarantee you that at

some point in your life you will need to attend an interview: And you will need to be great at it. Allthroughout your life, whether you want a job, promotion within a job, admission to a university, or

even if on a date (simlar to an interview, but see my date-specific information) then this handyguide, containing typical interview questions and essential technique, will be invaluable to you. So,

to start off...

Typical questions:Interviewers will ask you all sorts of things about your skills, qualities, experiences and outlook. Do

you have any idea what the difference between a 'skill' and a 'quality' is? No? That's because they're buzzwords with almost no relevance to the job that you are applying for, and are used as a way oftrying to form poor, approximate structures of similarity between two or more subjectively different

applicants in order to vaguely compare them to each other.

It's a laziness on the part of the employer to be able to bureaucratically assign someone with a

'Managing qualification' to interview you for a job that, as a 'manager', he knows nothing about.

So, how can you exploit this general laziness? Easy

BY USING YOUR OWN BUZZWORDS!

For example (The buzzwords are in bold to show you how important they are, and stress each bold

word as you say it for the correct 'interview-speak'):

Q.) What skills do you think you possess?A.) Well, I think I am a good communicator, and from this stems my drive to cooperate with

others around me and contribute to the team ethic in a pro-active way. I also believe that I amproficient at analysing and assessing issues that bear relevance to the working environment and

implementing my solutions in an efficient way.

Oh yeah. That's one sexy answer. You'll have noticed that almost every noun, verb, adjective and

adverb in there was a buzzword. In fact, looking at the answer without buzzwords we get:

A.) Well, I think I am a good BLANK, and from this BLANKS my BLANKto BLANKwith

others around me and BLANKto the BLANK BLANKin a BLANK-BLANKway. I also believe

that I am BLANKat BLANKING and BLANKING BLANKS that BLANK BLANKto the

BLANK BLANKand BLANKING my BLANKS in a BLANKway.

Exactly. Let's try another question,and see what sort of answer fits this time:

Q.) Do you believe yourself to be a team player?A.) Well, I think I am a good communicator, and from this stems my drive to cooperate with

others around me and contribute to the team ethic in a pro-active way. I also believe that I amproficient at analysing and assessing issues that bear relevance to the working environment and

implementing my solutions in an efficient way.

Exactly. Learn a few buzzy sentences (Or, as in this case, ONE buzzy sentence) and simply roll itoff when needed.

Outcome: The job is yours, with one provisio:

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YOU CANNOT ACTUALLY USE THE SAME ANSWER TWICE IN A REAL INTERVIEW!

The above illustration shows that it is possible to use the same Buzz-word-full answer to respond toalmost any question, but learn a few such sentences, along with a few of the connecting phrases, in

order to ace those interviews every time.

"I believe that I can achieve an operational workload while not losing sight of my strategicgoals."

Translation: "I can do little things without forgetting about the big things." - kind of obvious for any

one with more than one brain cell, but interviewers like to hear this kind of over-worked way of

saying something obvious.

And remember, to manager types everything is a "goal" or "targets" or "in sight" or some crap like

that. If you haven't mentioned "goals"at least half a dozen times in the interview then you aren't

pro-active enough.

"I have a wide skill base, which encompasses aspects of both team interaction and individual

goal pursuit."

Always stress that you are a team player with initiative. Don't say "I'm a mindless drone who doeswhat he's told. Nothing more or less." and, equivalently, don't say "Team work? Fuck that." What

the interviewer wants to hear is that you can work in a team andon your own simultaneously- hewants to know that you have personal synergy. Remember to say...

"I strive to use synergy as a method forlinking personal goal in the tasks I perform, no matter

how varied."

And try

"My multi-tasking skills are useful in performing tasks in a regimented and effective way."

and remember to "Take things on board."

Notice that any of the previous statements answers any of the following questions (Give or take a

couple of tweaks in some cases, but you can't expect me to spoon-feed you all of the answers that

you'll need.):

Q.) Why do you think you are well-suited for this job?

Q.) Would you say that yourperson specification compliments the job specification?Q.) What is yourmain strength?

... etc, etc, etc...

...Ad nauseum. Essentially, they ask you some half-baked question that actually asks very littleabout YOU and you make some (equally half-baked) answer up before-hand to fend off the

question.

And (this is he amazing thing) the interviewer will be impressedat your answer. Mad world...

Body language:

This doesn't have to be very hard. Sit straight, make eye contact and don't look shifty. Apparently

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this is easier said than done for some people, who automatically seem to generate a 'I'm-going-to-

steal-the-office-stationery-if-you-leave-me-unsupervised' kind of aura. Remember to smile andgently laugh at any small joke the interviewer makes about the weather/ the interview process/ your

choice of clothes/ etc. Unless he disses you, in which case administer a 4pps. Naturally

During the interview you should:

1.) Nod along with the interviewer's questions.

2.) Use emphatic hand actions in your answers.

3.) Look really serious about your amazingly fake answers to the interviewer's questions.

Troubleshooting:

If you get stuck on a question then simply use this phrase:

"I believe that my answer to this question links back to what I was saying about my Skills/

Qualities/ Experience. As I said..." then simply repeat a segment of a previous answer about team-

work, independent initiative or"my skill base".

Trust me, the interviewer won't even notice. He's looking out for buzzwords, not actual intelligentcontentin your answer.

If you are not naturally great then it could be the case that you will manage to screw up and the

interviewer will notice that you are simply memorising phrases. If so, tough for you. You shouldhave spoken with more conviction.

However, as a last ditch attempt to rescue yourself you can always try this:

"I am sorry that you feel that way, but this is my normal mode of speech and register for interviews.

I am trying to convey to you an impression of the skills I possess in this way because I believe it tobe an appropriate interview manner." (And try to sound slightly offended)

If the interviewer disagrees with you this time then you are REALLY screwed. However, he may

say "I see." and write something on a bit of paper. What he has written is "Arrogant cock." and you

won't get the job. He may say "Ah, right..." and in THAT case you may get the job. But tone down

the buzzwords from then on. Don't mention yourPersonal Synergy, for instance, or your

Evaluative qualities, as the interviewer will definitely realise that you're talking crap. However, If

the interviewer says "Admirable, admirable." Then you should insert more buzzwords, as that iswhat he wants to hear. Use compound buzzwords, such as Personal-Evaluation-synergy and

Predictive-Forward-Thinking-Initiative-Quality, if you think you can get away with it.

Anyway, the main thing to bear in mind is that buzzwords are the key to this sort of thing, and youcan probably get jobs that you are dangerously underqualified for off the back of about half a dozen

snappy words.

And when you do, congratulations. I'll be expecting 10% of your ludicrously high, undeserved

salary. Not that I need it, you understand. I deserve it, though.