how introverts can work with extroverts
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How Introverts Can Work With ExtrovertsTRANSCRIPT
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6/12/2015 HowIntrovertsCanWorkwithExtroverts
http://www.quietrev.com/howtoconnectwithextroverts/ 1/10
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Ipentthefirt15earofmlifewonderingwheveronewaalwainmpace.Itriedmettoequietandtaoutofpeoplewa,uttherealwaeemedtoeenoughofthempuhingintomule.Thelookedatme,talkedtome,touchedme,andotherwieinvadedaoundarthateemedelf-evidenttome,utovioulnottothem.Deepdown,Ilikedpeople,utwatherereallthatmuchtogoonaout?
Ithenpentthenext15earofmlifefeelingangraouthowmuchtheworldeemedintentonintrudingintompace.Atthetime,Ithoughtofmreactionaomekindofpunk-rock-piritedreellion.TheworldwaTheMan,anditwaouttowringfrommewhatitcouldwithoutmuchthoughtformwelfare.ToatardizeomeWilliamWordworth,theworldwatoomuchwithme.
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6/12/2015 HowIntrovertsCanWorkwithExtroverts
http://www.quietrev.com/howtoconnectwithextroverts/ 2/10
Atthetime,IdidntrealizethatIwaanintrovert,experiencingacommonutaetrareltalkedaoutnon-phenomenonIcallxtrovertJuteingxtrovert.Motpeopleeemedtowanttogotothemall,hangoutinaclu,goonroadtrip,andeatfalafeltogether,andthewantedtotalkaoutallofitallofthetime.Ichoetohangack,tickacigaretteinmmouth,growoutmang,andattemptthepotureofadiaffectedpoet.Iwaeverocharming.
thetimeIhitm30(Iwaalateloomer),IrealizedthatImightepartoftheprolem.IfiguredoutthattheextrovertinmlifeproalonleemedmoreaggreivetomeecaueofmlargerneedforperonalpaceandthatIhadntdevelopedthekilltoexprewhatmoundariewerewithanclarit.
Forintance,aperonwouldapproachmeatworkandaomethinglike,Thireportigreat,utIwanttochataoutaniueonpage21withounow.Thiianormalrequet,utifitwadeliveredurprieinahallwaorfromehindinmcuicle,itoundedlikeTHIRPORT[heavreathing]PROLM[didhehavetacoforlunch?]NOWNOWNOW.
xternall,IdicuedthereportlikeIimaginedanormalhumaneingwauppoedto,utinternallIattledtheurgetocurlupinmcuicleandlockeveroneoutforacoupleofhour.IfeltathoughIwereunderattack.
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6/12/2015 HowIntrovertsCanWorkwithExtroverts
http://www.quietrev.com/howtoconnectwithextroverts/ 3/10
Itendtoeonthefartherendoftheintroverionpectrum,ifthatintalreadclear,oIprefertoeapproachedaitlikeouwouldanervoucat:donttaredirectlatme,idleupeidemeratherthancomeatmeheadon,andpeakoftlletIdartehindtheofa.
Tringtoehavelikeanextrovertwhiledeperatelwantingomethingeletohappenwanotfairtomfriendlextrovert.HowcouldtheknowthehadoverteppedanoundariewhenIrefuedtocommunicatewhatthewere?Howcouldweecomeettercoworkerorfriendifmreponewatohutdownratherthantoinitiateaninteractionthatworked?Itwatimeformetodevelopettercommunicationkillandtopleavingawakeofextrovertehindmewonderingwhatthehellwentwrong.
OnethingIlearnedaImaturedoutofthio-calledouthfulreellionwathi:ifthewholeworldeemlikeitagaintou,itproalint.
Iegantoeethatifanextrovertwaehavinginawathatfeltnaturalandgoodtothemandmotoftheotherpeopletheknew,themightnotealetoeewhIwauncomfortale,andmaejutmaeitwaometimeuptometoeffectthechangeIneededtoehapp.Withalittleinternalfine-tuningandalotofcourage,IdecidedthatImightealetodealwithotherhumaneinginawathatwouldteachthem
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6/12/2015 HowIntrovertsCanWorkwithExtroverts
http://www.quietrev.com/howtoconnectwithextroverts/ 4/10
howtodealwithmewhiletillpreervingmneedforpaceandalonetime.Whoknew?Imightactuallfindoutthattheplanetwaapretthopitaleplace.
poileralert:theworldcanactualleapretthopitaleplace.
1. Ownourpace.Giveourelfpermiiontoownthepaceouinhait.Theleextrovertedamonguoftentreatpulicpaceathoughitelongtoeveroneutu.Rememerthattheworldijutamuchouraitianoneele.Itinotanextrovertdomainthatoujuthappentoeviiting.Plantourfeet,imaginethatthegroundeneaththemiour,anddontcedeourwilloutofhait.AndImeanthatliterallwhenIaplantourfeet.Takeamoreolidtance,withourfeetetlightlapartfromeachother.Feelingphicallmoretaleandgroundedgoealongwatowardaparallelpchologicalhift.
2. xpreourneed.Indicatewhenouroundariehaveeenovertepped.Thiiamuchaoutrepectingourelfaitiaoutmaintainingarepectfulrelationhipwithomeoneele.Itlettheotherperonknowthatoucareaoutourrelationhipwiththemecaueouwanttocreateaconnectionthatcontinuetowork,anditetaneaexpectationthecanmeet.(Motofuhaveaninternalpuppthatlikerewardforgoodehavior.)Youdonot
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6/12/2015 HowIntrovertsCanWorkwithExtroverts
http://www.quietrev.com/howtoconnectwithextroverts/ 5/10
necearilneedtoexpreourneedveralltomakethemknown,oitdoenthavetoecomeanawkwardconveration.ometimedoingomethingaimpleaholdingourookatanangleinfrontofoutoutlforcealargergapetweenouandtheotherperonwilleenoughtocommunicateourneedformorepace.Iftheinteractionilikeltoerepeated,theearlierouconfrontitinourrelationhip,theleuncomfortaleitwille.Ifouwaituntilomeonehaalreadoverteppedouroundarie10or20time,whatoriginallwouldhaveimpletourcommunicationpacecancomeoffaargumentative.Andrememer:motextrovertedpeoplearenotconcioultringtotakeoverourpace,andehavingathoughthatthecaewonthelpeitherofou.
2a.Growecurit.Knowthatwhenouareclearaoutaoundarwithomeone,ourrelationhipwiththatperoncanecometrongerandmoreecurewithoutinvitingmoreintruion.Nomatterhowawkwarditfeeltoouatthetimeandhowmuchourfightorflightreflexmightmakeouthinktheconequencewillecalamitourememerthatpeopleloveclearoundarie.Clearoundariecreateclearexpectation,andclearexpectationallowutoundertandeachothervalueandcommunicateinwathatonduratherthanhurtu.Thetelltheotherperonthatouvaluethem,andthecanhelpouetacommunicationpacethatwillletouengagewithoutfeelingtheneedto
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6/12/2015 HowIntrovertsCanWorkwithExtroverts
http://www.quietrev.com/howtoconnectwithextroverts/ 6/10
hutdown.
2.Acceptdicomfort.Communicatingourneedtoomeonemightmakeouuncomfortale,andthatoka.Humaneing,regardleofwherethelandontheextroverion/introverionpectrum,generallavoiddicomfortecauethingthatareuncomfortalearentfun.Whileitmighteemeaiertotepawafromconflict,coniderthi:whenitcometoconequence,itimoredeiraletofeeluncomfortaleforamomentthanreentfulforever.Thihaeenoneofmhardet-wonleon.Ratherthanfeelthedicomfortofmakingmwiheknown,Iuedtoackdownwithoutaecondthoughtandthenholdmoverteppedimaginaroundarieagainttheotherperon.utifouletaperonknowwhatouneed,ouwilleinforomepleaanturprie.Motpeoplewanttofeelliked,andthattartwiththemknowinghowtointeractwithouinawathatothofoucanundertand.
3. Collaorate(ecauethiintaattle).uggetanalternativewafortheinteractiontogodown,andmakeadeciiontogether.Motpeoplewhoapproachoudontintendtoexpreanit-m-wa-or-the-highwaattitude,andthemightactualllikeourideaetter.Infact,thatmightewhthereinteractingwithouinthefirtplacethelikeou,andthelikehowoudothingohelpfindagoodplanforourcommunication.oundar-ettinginotequivalenttowall-uilding.Itaoutfindingcommonground
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6/12/2015 HowIntrovertsCanWorkwithExtroverts
http://www.quietrev.com/howtoconnectwithextroverts/ 7/10
together.Oncemore,withfeeling:
ettingaoundarinotequivalenttouildingawall.ettingaoundarhelpoufindcommongroundtogether.
Youreproalthinkingthatthialloundvernice,uthowtheheckdoeitplaout?Herehowitplaedoutformeduringthefirt30earofmlife,illutratedaaimplepla:
Joetopmearuptlinanofficehallwa,catchingmeurprieecaueIwaupinmheadhavingthought.
JO:THIRPORT[heavreathing]PROLM[headwaveofhitacolunch]NOWNOWNOW.
M:[hrinkingackait]ure,oka.
Forhourafterward,Ihakeofftre,cureJoeforaumingmtimeihitime,andrelivehicloe-talkingtacoreathinquealowmotion.Allofourfutureinteractionaremetwithanxiet.
HerehowIlearnedtohandletheituationonceIfiguredoutthatJoeproalwantthataggreiveandthatmaeheandIjuthaddifferentocialtle:
tep1.Ownourpace
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6/12/2015 HowIntrovertsCanWorkwithExtroverts
http://www.quietrev.com/howtoconnectwithextroverts/ 8/10
M:[IeeJoecoming,takeadeeperandtailizingreath,andetmfeetalightditanceapart.]
tep2.xpreourneedandtep2a.Growecurit
JO:Thireportigreat,utIwanttochataoutaniueonpage21withounow.
Itakeatepackandholdafolderatanangleinfrontofmetocreatephicalpace.
M:Ihavetofilethifirtandhaveaquickmeeting.Canouaddittoourcalendarforthiafternoon?
tep2.Acceptdicomfort
Ifeelaituncomfortaleecaueheidemandingtotalktomerightawa,utIlllive.Plu,aahugeonu,Iveetalihedaprecedentforettingmeetinginthecalendarratherthanurpriingmeinthehallwa.
tep3.Collaorate(tep2a.Growecuritremaininplaecauethatthemagicofclearoundarie.Theoftenkeepworkingaftertheareinplace.)
JO:How3p.m.?
M:Thatworkforme!
NowImhapptohavegivenmelftimetogathermthought,andJoedoenteemaimpoing.
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6/12/2015 HowIntrovertsCanWorkwithExtroverts
http://www.quietrev.com/howtoconnectwithextroverts/ 9/10
JO:Willdo.
Hemile.HehapptohaveaolidplanandfeellikeIvaluehiinput.
Likewithanthingwelearntodowell,ittakepracticetoundertandhowettingoundarieworkandfeel,utonceoudo,itmucheaiertoconnectandinteractwithotherwithoutincidentallhuttingthemdownorgivingupourvalualeperonaltimeandpace.
Ofcoure,ittilluefultodonthediaffectedpoettancenowandagainifnothingele,itafunparttrick!utlearninghowtoociallcarveoutpaceformelfratherthanfeelforcedtowithdrawforelf-preervationhaeenpowerfulothformelf-confidenceandformailittoconnectwell,andometimemoredeepl,withpeoplewhoonceeemedalientome.
Imratherfondofextroverttheeda.Andtheworldwhileittilloftentoomuchwithmeinolongeragaintme.
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6/12/2015 HowIntrovertsCanWorkwithExtroverts
http://www.quietrev.com/howtoconnectwithextroverts/ 10/10