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We are always looking for articles that

inspire hope, help and comfort to the

b e r e a v e d . E m a i l u s a t :

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Each month, the HOPELine is sent to

1,200 families throughout Central New

York and the United States. If you

would like to underwrite the cost of the

HOPELine for a specific month, please

contact Pat Kriesel at HOPE at 315-475-

HOPE (4673). It costs $450 to under-

write the newsletter. Your donation will

fund 100% of the expense of a newslet-

ter for a month. You may include a

special dedication to your loved one.

Thank you for supporting the HOPELine!

Celebrating 41 Years of HOPE Our goal, in this 41st year, is to expand our support, services and outreach to the bereaved with

emphasis on helping grieving youth, and to financially solidify HOPE for decades to come.

HOPELine july 2020 Issue

A monthly newsletter of HOPE FOR BEREAVED, a not-for-profit community organization

providing hope, support and services for the bereaved.

Please visit our website

to view our video

Celebrating 40

Years of HOPE! www.hopeforbereaved.com

You can access so much

information on our web-

site: upcoming events,

support groups, one on

one counseling, purchase

HOPE books, bricks for

memorials at the Butterfly

Garden of HOPE, read,

print and share current

and past editions of the

HOPELine newsletter …

and so much more!

The purpose of this newsletter is to help those who have

experienced the death of a loved one. Each month, we

share information and ideas from bereaved people and

professionals to help you through your grief journey.

Please know you are not alone. HOPE is here to help you.

To talk with a compassionate, caring professional, please

call us today at 315-475-HOPE (4673).

Our Feature Articles Page Life is HOPE 1 Ten Hard Truths 2-4 Executive Director 5-6 Love Mark 7-8 Re-Opening Update 9 Moving On 10 HOPE Calendar 11

LIFE IS HOPE Through the unbearable ache

And pain of your death

Life became a precious gift

One of Hope

Gratitude seems an insignificant word

Yet it is all powerful

It makes the heart realize

The real importance and need

Of family and friends in our life

HOPELINE NEWSLETTER JULY 2020 PAGE 2

The 10 Hard Truths of Grief

By THOM DENNIS

At first glance, this list of the ten hard truths of grief won’t offer much comfort. It might even feel like pouring salt into an open wound. You may be wondering, “What’s the value in re-minding me that grief is hard? That point has already been made abundantly clear!”

At the risk of restating the obvious, I suggest that even amidst the pain, voicing the groaning of the heart can promote healing. You’ve heard the saying, “The truth hurts.” No doubt you’ve al-so heard, “The truth can set you free.” By naming these truths you have got the first tool to start dealing with your heart ache creatively. By naming them you can also enter into a dia-logue with others and learn some new strategies to cope.

1. Some things are beyond our control. We would all prefer to live with the illusion that we are in control of our own lives but a sudden change in the weather, an un-welcomed diagnosis or a random act of violence re-minds us that no one is the master of their fate. The truth is: in this life there is very little of real consequence that you have any control over. The challenge is to accept this reality and refocus your attention on what is within your power to change. You can acknowledge your feelings and choose how you are going to respond to whatever life has to throw in your di-rection.

2. There are consequence to being mortal. In our office there is a beautifully illustrated book entitled, Lifetimes, by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen. We use it to explain death to children. When it comes to grief, we are all little children needing comfort, reassurance and gentle age-appropriate explanations. The sad truth is people die. In fact, everything dies. Death is a natural part of life. As much as we would like to believe our parent, spouse, sibling, child, friend or loved one will live forever, they too will eventually die. In the end, even you will die. It’s not fair, it’s never fair but its part of being mortal. And perhaps, it’s for the best that nothing mortal lasts forever. Like the changing of the seasons our passing makes room for new life.

3. It’s supposed to hurt. Leo Buscaglia, the “Love Doctor,” once said, “the opposite of love is not hate: the opposite of love is apathy.” To say it another way, apathy means, “I don’t care.” The reason grief hurts so much is because you care deeply for the person who died. If you didn’t care, it wouldn’t hurt so much. The more you love, the more it’s going to hurt. The two seem to be unaltera-bly linked. To look at it in a slightly different way, the pain you feel is love’s testament to the bond you share. Should we guard our hearts against the depths of loss we would never have the opportunity to experience the lofty heights of love.

Continued on page 3


Continued from Page 2 ‘Then Hard Truths About Grief’

4. Life will never be the same. The death of a loved one not only leaves a hole in your heart that can’t be filled, it also im-

pacts practically every other aspects of your life. Widows and widowers report changes in their social relationships. Adults whose parents have died say they also lost their best friend

or most trusted advisor. Family dynamics invariably shift when one person in the equation is taken away. The economic impact of a death can also have lasting effects. Even when you

feel like you’ve adjusted to an environment without the deceased and life has returned to some degree of “normal,” sadly, life will never be the same again. It may be helpful to remem-ber that living always requires adapting to some sort of change. Finding a reason to em-brace life after the death of a loved one may be challenging. Acknowledging that life will

never be the same doesn’t mean that the future will be all bad.

5. The rest of the world doesn’t share your grief. Beyond the circle of your acquaintances, the rest of the world won’t know your loved one

has died. The people you encounter on a daily basis will be focused on their own wants, oblivious to your needs and concerns. Your creditors will still require you to meet your fi-nancial obligations. Your boss and customers will still require a certain level of job perfor-mance. Your neighbors will still be annoying. Your children will still need every ounce of what remains of your patience and praise. On the flip side, it’s a good thing that the stock market, oil prices, and the weather do not depend on the rise and fall of your moods. Even though you are grieving, it’s good news that babies are being born, and the sun will rise to-morrow morning.

6. People say dumb things. My list of the top ten most shocking and outrageous things people say to the newly be-reaved is worthy of the David Letterman Show. Except, in this case the response would be

gasps not laughs. From coworkers suggesting that “things could be worse,” to neighbors

wondering if you plan to sell your house, I’ve come to the conclusion that most people simp-ly don’t think before they open their mouths. People just don’t know what to say so they try to “wing it.” Either they say something inappropriate or they error on the side of not say-

ing anything at all. (I’m not sure which is worse.) You have the right to educate them about

the comments they make but if you can see these blunders as fumbled attempts to offer comfort, then perhaps you can experience the sympathy that underlies their misspoken

comments.

7. Friends and family will disappoint you. If you have friends and family who love and support you, consider yourself blessed. There

are lots of folks who don’t have a built-in support network and when their loved one dies they have to start from scratch. One of the most common laments I hear in support groups is

the failure of family and friends to offer the kind of support that you need. I encourage peo-ple to consider the temperament of each of the people in your circle of support. Are

Continued on page 4


Continued from Page 3 ‘Then Hard Truths About Grief’

they generally a good listener? If not, is it fair to expect them to change now? Remember that each

family member had a different relationship with the deceased. Consequently, their grief will look

different than yours. If your spouse hasn’t lost a parent, they may not “get it” when your parent dies. Best friends may not know how to react so they might pull away. You may feel like a third

wheel at social gatherings. You may need to be more direct when it comes to expressing your

needs. It may also take some time, but you will gravitate toward people who have experienced a

similar type of loss. I’m going to predict that you will find additional sources of support. You will

hear from old friends or an acquaintance may step forward to fill the void.

8. You have to be assertive. It is not easy to ask for help. However, that is exactly what you are going to have to do if you want

your needs to be met. Whether it’s legal, financial or cooking, you are going to have to ask for ad-

vice. Whether its respect, intimacy needs or driving directions, you are going to have to be more

assertive. What is the alternative? Also, you will have to mention your loved one’s name at family

or holiday gathering because most people will be afraid to say it out of fear that it might upset

you. Little do they know that your departed loved one’s name is sweeter to you than your own.

9. Decisions still have to be made.

Immediately following a death in the family, certain decisions have to be made. Hopefully there

are people around to share the burden but more often than not, the sole responsibility falls on

your shoulders. As time passes the business of life requires other decisions be made. Your loved one may have been your most trusted advisor or decision making partner; and yet you still have to

make important decisions. You will make some mistakes, but you will learn from them. If you

choose to accept the challenge, you are going to grow from this experience and become a stronger, wiser person.

10. There is no time frame and no road map for grief.

If grief were on a time clock, you could punch in and punch out at your own convenience. That way you could schedule your tears to fit neatly into the daily life. If someone offered a roadmap for

grief, you could take a short cut or bypass the tricky spots. Everyone grieves in their own way

and at their own pace. So don’t let other people project their discomfort with grief onto you. Stop

and take a break when you need it. This is not a race. Linger along the back roads of memory, it

is there that treasures will be found.

Your personal hard truths

This list of the ten hard truths of grief is certainly not exhaustive. There must be other truths that you have learned on your own grief journey. I invite you to add to my list or create your own list of hard truths. What are the truths that have helped you cope with loss, make deci-sions and enter into this new phase of your life?

Source: https://lifebuilderscounseling.org/


From the Executive Director Therese S. Schoeneck

Entering our 41st Year! July 2020

NOW MORE THAN EVER HOPE NEEDS YOUR HELP … CAN YOU HELP US?

HOPE’s services will be needed MORE THAN EVER after the pandemic restrictions

are lifted. For the families whose loved ones died during the pandemic they were not

able to receive the personal support from their extended family, friends and co-

workers. In some cases burials and celebrations of life events have been postponed

leaving the bereaved stuck in a state of grief.

Donations of any amount would be a great help but we truly understand if you

are not able to donate.

Please keep Christy Dannible, Kathy Spencer, Rita Stein, Hank Balzer,

Beth Putnam, John Kowalczyk, Christine Hart, Dave Klem,

Lanie Moses, Ann & Dan Emond, Kevan, all our first responders,

medical staffs, essential workers and their families in your

prayers for good health in these very difficult days.

Special Thanks to:

Sollicito Landscaping Nursery for their wonderful continued horticultural work at both the Butterfly Garden of HOPE and their donated gardents at HOPE Center.

Pat, Walt, Leslie, Danalee and Sue for printing, labeling and mailing the May, June and July Newsletters.

Zhanna Schiavone for volunteering to organize garden resources.

Dan and Roseann Glavin for agreeing to serve as Community Co-chairs for our Celebration of HOPE 2020.

Everyone that thought about HOPE with a donation or brick order during this difficult time.

Parents from our support group who donated $500 and $1,000 knowing HOPE would need financial support even before our May newsletter appeal was mailed.

We are grateful to Park United Methodist Church. It is heartwarming to

receive a donation from a church in Hamilton, NY with a note, “please

accept our donation to continue your wonderful outreach and ministry. Sincerely

with God’s love for all.” They take a second collection to give to a charity

and choose HOPE. We had helped one of their members. It would be

wonderful if other places of worship would

do this, or purchase our ‘HOPE FOR

BEREAVED: Understanding, Coping &

Growing Through Grief‘ book to give to their

grieving families.

YOUR IDEAS NEEDED! HOPE is looking for new ways to supplement the income from fund-raiser that had to be cancelled or postponed. Call Therese at 315-475-HOPE (4673) or email us at [email protected].


“I was 26 years old when I first walked through Hope’s doors. I was a newlywed and had only been

married for seven weeks when my husband, Alfred, was killed at 29 years old in a car accident on his way to work. I was completely devastated having never felt this level of pain. Hope for Bereaved became a lifeline for me. I was the youngest one in the Widows/Widowers group at that time but NEVER felt like I didn’t belong. There was such trust in sharing my heartache with this group. I would never miss a meeting. I needed to grieve and be with other grieving spouses. I spent almost two years at Hope and am FOREVER grateful to Therese for her vision and all the wonderful people at Hope for Bereaved.” … Maureen

HOPE’s Support Makes a Difference

This year has brought so many challenges to our world and to HOPE for Bereaved. As a

result of the pandemic we have had to cancel or postpone our fundraisers, change one-on-one

counseling to telephone counseling, continue our support groups with ’Zoom’ meetings and

conference calls. As the death count in the United States exceeds 100,000 people bereavement

services are needed more than ever. HOPE has always worked under the premise that when a

person is grieving the last thing they should worry about is finding support and how they will

pay for it. For over 40 years HOPE has offered their core services (counseling, support groups

and newsletter) at no charge.

We offer you some words from those who have found help from HOPE through support

groups, counseling and our newsletters. Can you help us to continue supporting the bereaved?

Any and all donations are welcome, no amount is too small.

Stay safe and healthy! We HOPE to be together again sometime soon.

“The death of my son by suicide

broke my heart and life came to a

standstill. With every emotion that

flooded me, it seemed only my monthly

newsletter from HOPE could understand. The

newsletters are the mail hug I need to get through

another day, to put my feet on the ground and

know I CAN GET THROUGH!” … A Mom

“I know I have a long way to

go and still suffer some diffi-

cult days; when it all feels ‘too

much’ I pull out my HOPE for

Bereaved book or one of their newsletters (I

read every word the day it arrives) and I read

myself back to a better place.” … Jane

“I read and reread the HOPELine newsletter

every month. So many articles speak to me and have helped me learn to live with the death of my won-

derful husband. Thanks to all who make the HOPEline possible for all

of us who need HOPE.” … Sara

“I feel like I have all the tools I

need to deal with my grief going

forward. It’s not easy, but

HOPE helped it to be bearable.

I am so grateful to HOPE for all

they’ve done for me. It is a great

organization and I don’t know where I would be

today without them.” … Stanley


Each year HOPE offers a variety of opportunities for you to honor the memory of your loved one; purchase a brick for the Butterfly Garden of HOPE; participate in the annual Run/Walk for HOPE; or donate an auc-tion item or attend the annual Celebration of HOPE dinner. The funds raised from all of these events support HOPE in offering their core ser-

vices of support groups, one on one counseling and newsletter free of charge to the bereaved in our community and beyond.

For more information visit our website at www.hopeforbereaved.com or call our offices at 315-475-HOPE (4673)

We will be seeing one (1) client a time by appointment only. We will implement a-fifteen minute sanitation break between clients to wipe down the entire area. Counseling must be held to 50 minute sessions to allow for this cleaning.

We ask that if you can't make your appointment ease give a 24 hour notice. Appoint-ments are limited s many people are waiti ng to get in. If you are not feeling well, please stay home.

All complementary services will be suspended for now (coffee, water & cookies). We ask that you come to your appointment alone. We will be operating on an appointment only policy, clients are to call upon their arrival 315-475-HOPE (4673) and wait in their car. Please arrive 5 to 10 min utes prior to your scheduled appointment to allow for the transition process. We will text or call you when our area is completely sanitized and ready for you to enter.

Upon entering the building, we ask that you use hand sanitizer. We will require staff and cli-ents to wear face masks, please make sure to bring your own. We will have masks available if need-ed.

We hope to see everyone soon. We will keep a log of every person who enters the building/attends group or counseling for contact tracing should it become necessary. With the new guide-lines and restrictions, please be patient a bit longer as we try to get everyone in. If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to contact us.

If you are not quite comfortable coming yet, it’s okay, we will be here when you feel more at ease.

SUPPORT GROUPS: Beginning in June and until further notice, some support groups will be conducted either via ZOOM or in HOPE’s parking lot (weather permitting). We ask that those attending meetings in the parking lot, arrive at least 10 minutes before starting time & bring your own lawn chair. Please call HOPE for more details.


Moving On

How do I move on when there is no energy

or will left in my heart?

How do I move on when that is away

from what gives my life meaning?

How do I move on from a grief that has crushed me

leaving me flattened, a two-dimensional relic of who I was before?

How do I move on when my brain is frozen,

unable to process this loss, these events, these memories?

How do I move on when I have no inkling of

or desire to know what lies ahead?

There is no moving.

There is no on.

But something happened

Not day by day.

Not month by month.

Not season by season.

Not year by year.

Not anniversary by anniversary.

An infinitesimal FLICKER

Which became A TWITCH

Which became A FLOW

Which became A GESTURE

Which became AN ACT

Which became AN ACTION

Which BECAME A MOVEMENT … ON

HOPELINE NEWSLETTER JUNE 2020 PAGE 11

If you shop with Amazon.com please use Amazon Smile. This is a website operated by Amazon offering the same products, prices and shopping features as Amazon. The BIG difference is when shopping at Amazon Smile, the Amazon Smile Foundation

donates .05% of the purchase price of eligible products to your choice of charitable organizations. Of course we ask you to choose HOPE FOR BEREAVED!

Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, all support group meetings at HOPE are suspended until further notice. Some groups may be held in the parking lot depending on weather. Please call the office and/or check our website and

Facebook page for updates.

4500 Onondaga Blvd. Syracuse, NY 13219

Electronic Service Requested

Non-Profit Org. U.S. Postage

PAID Syracuse, NY

Permit NO. 713

July 2020

REMEMBRANCE 5K RUN/3K WALK

Sunday, August 16, 2020

The Run/Walk Committee has been working hard to make sure

the 10th Annual Remembrance Run/Walk for HOPE is the best

year yet. This opportunity to come together to remember and

celebrate the lives of our loved ones who have died is important. However, the

health and safety of our volunteers and participants is our greatest concern.

We will follow all updates from the state, county and park. If we are not able

to safely come together on August 16th we will switch to a virtual race. We will

keep you posted. In this unprecedented time, HOPE is still in need of financial

support to carry out HOPE’s mission of providing our core services at no

charge. Your participation in the 10th annual Remembrance Run/Walk for

HOPE is a huge support to HOPE’s fundraising efforts is 2020.

PLEASE BE SURE TO READ PAGE 9 FOR HOPE’S REOPENING INFORMATION

Summer Hours

HOPE’s Center will be closed:

July 4th and all Friday’s in July

and August. We also will be

closed Labor Day, Sept. 2nd.

hopeline › wp-content › uploads › 2020 › 06 › ...2020/07/06 · hopeline newsletter july...

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