hopeless hope

8/14/2019 Hopeless Hope

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Hopeless Hopefor me to think is a big issue .I am sure it becomes a greatdealabout it ,just to think and re-think.for last five years I had

been somuch of energetic in my life. I cant imagine about. I wasinnovative and imaginative all the years. It doesnt meanthat, Iam now not optimistic at all. I was and I will be in thefutures, asmy body and the Soul tell me to do so. This is not a simplearticulation about me. My lives had and have been so muchof

controversies I can ever realize it. As I went on passing outthetimes, I saw that life has something meaningful andsignificantsites to be done. I tried to look the meanings of the life. Ionlyobserved my life styles.I simply wanted to persuade myself that the life has avaluableinner meaning. I never thought about it. When I saw a boy of

14was looking after his widow mum. Is it impossible for me nottobe someone in this world? I asked myself and wanted toimplement them in the life. A boy of 14 was taking care ofhis sickand a widow mum. I was very much desperate in my life. As Isawthe boy polishing the shoes in the road side, from early

morningtill the evening. My heart started betting unusual way.Pensively Isat in the caf to see a boys hard work. He really workedhard.His smile was best part of his job.


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I had been absolutely pensive regarding my futures. I had awork,in which I would earn Rs. 4000 a month. For the first timewhen I

got this amount, I was so much excited. I had been workingas ababy sitter since last 3 years in a foreigner embassy inKathmandu. I have lost myself, no wonder where it can be? Adaily routine was going on. I never thought of anything in thelifetime for 3 years.12Hopeless HopeUpendra Nepali

I simply could help in my house. Especially in the kitchensside,every body would love to have chickens curry of my styles.Everybody enjoyed eating the tasty curry. I was praised to make acurryin most of the festivals time. My family even asked tobecome aChef. They didnt know that I was first class Chef in thehouse

only. They even didnt know; my perceptions and pre-perceptions,conceptions and the intensions were of different one.I was more over interested in the various sides of the life. Toknowone self and to realize one potentiality is of great validity forme. Ivalued something extraordinary than any of my familymembers

did. With that particular validity I was a head in the life to betheone and only one piece. The concept had a crystal cut clarityinthem. How can I forget words of my own? Who can fiddlewith the


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life without knowing one self? I began my adventurousjourneys.I even know that, I have to have all must everything in thelife.

Millions and millions of people have been struggling in thisworld;just to survive. How have we been surviving, each of usknowvery clearly. With my only salary I could help my parents topaythe rent of a flat. How expensive the life have become, Ineverknew. Only When, I started earning the money I came toknow.

Our expense wasnt high like that of the richer families. Weareonly a middle class family.

There is nothing that you will not find, only you got to have aplenty of money with us. We missed this one. The money hasstopped us in progressing a lot in the life time. Everything iscounted in Kathmandu. We have become slave to themoney.Actually the money is a best servant of ours, since we have

become a slave to it; it will never do a good thing to us.I started thinking how; best and the easy was our life in thevillage. I hardly saw one thousands notes nothing graterthan tenrupees notes or lastly fifty rupees notes, what a greatamount ofmoney I saw in my kids time. Really I dont mean that at thistime23Hopeless Hope

Upendra NepaliI have an extreme interest in earning the money like that ofthetop ten richer men and a woman in the world. Neither do Idreamof becoming a richest man in the world. They will earn itbefore


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hand, these richest men and women before they spend anydollar,I have to work only thirty days to earn Rs.4000 a moth byworking

4 hours a day. Rest of my hours will be spending in a collageandtrainings. This boy earns only 2-3 hundreds a day; workingwholeday. After all it depends up on the customers how kind theyare. Idelved in it and thought that I have a life but not a meaningin it. Ieven came to think and re-think that I have to create anopportunities by myself, then to go after looking for the

chancesin the offices. What an offensive I was in finding the solutionstothe life.I fiddled with everything that I could. What else I didnt do it.Neither I have to deny nor have I to affirm. I can see lot ofindividuals have been dying like a rat and dogs. On the righttimeI have decided to be some one. A decision is made once not

twice.fro this I have to have self sacrifice, self restrains andselfsufferings to the achievements as I wanted and desired.I know it well all those people who sacrificed theirs principlesthenthe money. They always liked to have the principles and theideasin them so that they have been ruling the world. Just to ruletheworld is not a simple means of doing it so, one really have totransfer one self. Urgent, important and the entertainmentsarethe side of the life that makes us does every thing in the lifewhatwas impossible. We were wrong in making the decisions.20%


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people go after the urgent like to pick up the phone calls orthemeting up the people so that they could chat and castigatethe

opposites one. Better conversions and the beautiful facehavenothing to do with the futures carrier.75% of the individuals have a mood of making fullentertainmentsin the life. So they spend whole life doing nothing. Life is nota34Hopeless HopeUpendra Nepali

joke at all. Where as 5% people in the world the entertainingworkdoes as they do is. They enjoy the work what they do. Only5%have ruled the world. I started calling like this manyeducatedfools are in the world.I saw lot of struggles in the world politically, economically,religiously, scientifically and intellectually. Nehru, Gandhiwho

sacrificed theirs life to get rid of the British rule. All thedespoticrules and regulations had to be thrown in the garbage onlyfor thename of the freedoms. These men and women werentextraordinary one.We watched so many movies and we even have a favoritesactorand actress. Mostly we are influenced by them. We have

becomethe victims over the fashion. Did we even think about beingagreat actor or an actress? No, never thought about it. Wewantedto be entertained and that is enough for us. None of us couldever


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become Michel Jackson, Pele, Benazir Bhutto, Buddha andlots ofpeople have ruled us.As like the singer, players, politicians, economist, and

scientistmany have done countable things in the world. Did we everdiddiscover or invented anything in the world no, not ever?Automatically everything changed in me. I am a lady ofintrovertfeelings within me. My brother went to an abroad to earn. Itis theevident and the incident changed me a lot. I felt really lonelyat

my heart. I never thought him to go and work in an abroad.For a year I stayed quite. I had curious feeling to be in anabroad.

Just like him to earn and to be independent. I felt so lonelythat Ionly could realize them. My inner heart provoked me a lot tobewith him. We really loved each other so much; we never feltlike

to be a part.I never asked my dad or mum to be a pm of a country. Ineitherasked them to send me in March. However my desireswerent45Hopeless HopeUpendra Nepali

fulfilled at all. Simultaneously I asked my dad to send me toU.S.A

for dance competitions. It was a rap dance competitions washappy to dance and make my country name proud. All mydesireswere articulated in the mails. First my brother didnt like it.Firstthing the cost for the visa, tickets, and to stay in u.s.a is noteasy.


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He thought like this. Latter I made him understand andconvincedhim a lot; still he was full of doubt and didnt like it. Latter hewrote me like this you do as you like, all I need to see your

futures to be bright and you must not suffer at all again likethatof the childhoods.Only I have to make understand was my dad and mum. Icould lieany one in this world, except my brother. My dance teacherwassupportive to me. He even decided to help me. We were 5girlsgoing to U.S.A. we were mailing to each other almost every

day.Lastly dad as well send me his account number to be usedbyme.Everythings was done. Now again I was in trouble.Actually Idecided to stay illegally in u.s.a.I know that dad and brother was fade of up me. Because itwasnot theirs intentions .what they might have thought about

meregarding my futures, still I was an obstinate girl. They haveswallowed what I have done to them. They tried to make meunderstand as far as possible was. They didnt leave theoptions.Still, I didnt let my heart feel the sadness about it.I went to American embassy in Kathmandu. I even gave aninterview hope of passing it. Everything I did. So manyproblemswere on the way. I masticated lot of struggles in the lifetime.Finally I had to have some of the balanced in the accounts.So Ithought of getting it illegally .my dad didnt have so much ofthe


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money .only options was to keep our loving house in thelease. Ididnt like it the idea of keeping a house in the lease. Iwasnt

going for my studies. How was to get the money was myquestions? My brother earned only 300$in u.a.e. I neverexpected56Hopeless HopeUpendra Nepali

his money to be spending in my visits in u.s.a for a week. SoIgave up going to usa. This time also I failed in my dreams.My brother explained me so much lastly. He didnt insult me.Itwas the good side of him, which I liked so much. I was neverhopeless by the way. However my brother told me that I washopeless. He seems to be right. However I never gave myhope offeelings. I was selfish by the way. In the present world eachandevery one of us are selfish. I was not an exception. What elsewould I do? Without informing any in the house; I took aninitiative

myself. This is the stupidity that, I have been doing againandagain. My narcissistic habits really troubled my family all thetime.It was not the first time I ever did like this.Almost I failed in the life; which I keep thinking. When, Ifailed ingrade 11 First times in only one subject. Those made me gofurther in the futures. So, I had to take certain initiatives.

Studyingdidnt favor me. I had only one concept that is to work in theabroad likes my brother. Forget about studying andearnings. Toearn and to save the money was a good idea. For me tothink


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randomly is not a big thing, I dont go on thinking like thoseofgreat thinker, philosophers. Yet! My thinking is as good asthose of

greater scientist or the philosophers. First failure was myeverfailure I went on taking it. My life became moredisadvantages tome. Why did I accept like that I myself didnt know? I neithershowed any negligence in doing any of the exams or that ofthethings which cant be taken as a grant.My mind was not stable. It was moving like the sea, wind,river

and the floods. Fluctuating mind really gave me a lot oftrouble. Itshows that mind was full of flummoxed. Was I wrong or myfamilywho told me not going to USA? Who was wrong? I acceptedmyself being wrong. My mind was prepared struggle in anycaseto be in an abroad. All I wanted to do was to show thesociety that

being a girl I too can do better than a man.67Hopeless HopeUpendra Nepali

My mind wasnt frozen like the Mt.Everest or the dry Arabiandeserts in the world. So much of fertilized mind I have it, thatnoone can imagine. I am expressing it truly in the world. Notonlyonce I challenged myself in order to progress. Self a progress

wasmy topics to gain it. In any case I wanted to be successfulpersonone way or the other ways. Be it in the abroad or in withinthenations. I was not happy with my earnings. Though, I wasnever


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given a chance to earn the money. They never asked me toearnmy livelihood. But, my curiosity made all the confrontationscome

in our lives.I kept on trying to ensure myself that I will be in a bestposition. Itook next step to be in an abroad. They didnt invective mesomuch. Only, my parents did was pursued me so much like akid tome. I learned dance like any other ladies in thecontemporaryfashions. Within two months I earned them. Like those great

actorand actress in the world, thinking I too can dance similar tothem.My offensive attitude made dad and a mum upset.My brother used to send me as much money I requested.Within6months he gave me Rs.75 thousand which means 1500$.thismuch amount is very big money to every Nepalese. I used so

randomly I cant details tell my dad. He never asked meabout themoney he gave to me. That was the mistake he made I thinkso.He loved me so much. However I never thought of gettingprofitsby the love he showed me.So I stated taking next step to be in Japan. To be in a dancerestaurant where I didnt had to pay single penny. I tried toenticemy family about it. As they slowly understood, whole of themrefused so often, I never thought. They didnt want me to beadancer in a restaurant, rather they would die starving butnever


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will they allow me to do so. To go was free of cost. Whatthey toldme was I would be sexually abused by Japanese. They wereright.

Yet! I was ready to go .how much I hurt them I know it well,78Hopeless HopeUpendra Nepali

except me no one less. My family didnt hurt me not evenscoldedme. My thinking was like foams that every second itemerged.My parents remained so silent, though I hurt them so muchasdeeply as the sea and as high as the galaxies .still they lovedmeso much. I m, very much shameful to them. My parents andspecially my brother told me like this you have becomehopeless,and become fools by the way. it was enough for me, tothinkclearly. They didnt want to lose me. I am only the daughterin thehouse. I am the pride of a house. This is how they take me .it

doesnt mean that my family are of old contemporaries. Thecontemplative side can be like this they are the one whocaresabout me and showed full of affections. My cognitiveemotionsmade me fools .my selfishness made me hurt them. All mydesires did everything and unnecessary thinking created itso,how can I hurt them?

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