Honoring Parents

The eternal laws of the Torah include the obligation to respect parents. The fact that this mitzvah is one of the Ten Commandments indicates how important this precept is. Why should this be? Honoring one’s parents expresses gratitude for their assuming the responsibility of raising children and taking care of their essential needs. On a deeper level, honoring parents underscores the importance of each previous generation’s role in transmitting the Jewish tradition. Finally, respecting one’s parents enables us to acknowledge and appreciate that it is ultimately God who brought us into existence, and sustains and guides the world.

You are at the front door, about to walk outside with your mom on Shabbat afternoon. “Can you please get me my jacket from upstairs?” She calls. “And get one for yourself

too, its pretty cold.”

Do you have to get her jacket? Should you wear a jacket, even if you aren’t cold?

__________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

You are hanging out with a friend who is telling you that he really wants to stay shana bet, but his parents are vehemently against it. They said that if he didn’t come back for

college, they would not be buying him the car they promised him. He asks you what he thinks he should do. What do you say?

__________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

What are some ways that you can honor your parents in 2015, both at home and from afar?

____________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________

2

Devarim (Deuteronomy) 5:16 – The Fifth Commandment "יָך נֵֹתן ָלְך:קֶ יָך ְלַמַען יֲַאִריֻכן יֶָמיָך ּוְלַמַען יִיַטב ָלְך ַעל ָהֲאָדָמה ֲאֶׁשר ה' ֱאֹלקֶ ַּכֲאֶׁשר ִצְּוָך ה' ֱאֹלַּכֵּבד ֶאת ָאִביָך ְוֶאת ִאֶּמָך "

Eved Hamelech, Yitro: Even were one to honor his father and mother as he would a king and queen, he would still not fulfill his obligation [of honoring them], since the Torah compares their honor to the honor due to God Himself. Therefore one should imagine how he would feel if God were to show up at his doorstep – with what trepidation would he receive Him! The child should honor his parents with that same attitude. Kiddushin 31b: Rabbi Avahu said, “Avimi, my son, is an example of one who has fulfilled the mitzvah of honoring [one's parents].” Avimi had five children who were ordained [as rabbis] while his father was still alive. Yet, when Rabbi Avahu came [to visit] and called out at the door, Avimi himself hurried and went to open it for him saying, “Yes, yes!” [I am coming to open the door] until he reached there. One day [Rabbi Avahu] said, “Bring me a drink of water.” He [Avimi] brought him [water and found him] sleeping. He stood over him [and waited] until he awoke.

אמר רב אבהו כגון אבימי ברי קיים מצות כיבוד חמשה אתא רבי הבני סמכי הוה ליה לאבימי בחיי אביו וכי הו

אבהו קרי אבבא רהיט ואזיל ופתח ליה ואמר אין אין עד יומא חד אמר ליה אשקיין מיא אדאייתי ליה .התם ידמטא

נמנם גחין קאי עליה עד דאיתער.

1. Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh Deah 240:19 –

אסור לאדם להכביד עולו על בניו ולדקדק בכבודו עמהם שלא יביאם לידי מכשול אלא ימחול ויעלים עיניו מהם...

1. Sefer HaChinuch 33: It is only appropriate for one to recognize and reciprocate kindness to those who have dealt kindly with him, and certainly not to act in a vile manner, estranging oneself and being an ingrate, for this is a bad character trait that is completely despised by both God and human beings. One should appreciate the fact that his parents are the source of his very existence in this world, and it is therefore appropriate for him to act as respectfully and beneficially as he can. Besides having brought him into the world, they also expended tremendous effort in raising him as a child.

משרשי מצוה זו שראוי לו לאדם שיכיר ויגמול חסד למי שעשה עמו טובה, ולא יהיה נבל ומתנכר וכפוי טובה,

. נשיםואשזו מדה רעה ומאוסה בתכלית לפני אלקים ושיתן אל לבו שהאב והאם הם סיבת היותו בעולם ועל תכן ראוי לו באמת לעשות להם כל כבוד וכל תועל

ולם. גם יגעו בו כמה יגיעות שיוכל, כי הם הביאוהו לעבקטנותו.

Rabbi Yissachar Frand, Rabbi Frand on the Parsha, Ki Teitzeh – Showing gratitude towards parents goes against the human ego. Honoring parents…goes against human nature. It requires us to acknowledge all they’ve done for us and show gratitude. It requires us to admit that we needed them, that we could not have done it ourselves. This is a difficult thing for the human ego. The ego would have us view ourselves as

3

independent, self-sufficient and invincible. We can bring ourselves to thank strangers who do small things for us now and then, because this does not really affect our egotistical self-image. But when it comes to our parents, if we admit they did anything, we also have to admit they did everything for us. Our egos do not allow us to say, “I owe you everything.” This then is the “most difficult of the difficult” mitzvot.

Developing an Awareness of God The Ten Commandments were given to the Jewish people inscribed on two tablets, five commandments on each. The first five are mitzvot regarding one’s obligations to God, whereas the second five are mitzvot concerning one’s duty towards individuals. Why, then, is honoring parents listed among the first five? Would it not be more appropriate to include it in the commandments which deal with relating to other people? Sefer HaChinuch, ibid. – Honoring our parents enables us to honor God. After an individual has successfully integrated these [feelings of gratitude and appreciation for everything his parents have done for him] he will be able to ascend to a higher level – that of appreciating what God has done for him. God, after all, is man’s ultimate Source, as well as that of all of one’s forefathers all the way back to Adam. Additionally, God brought him out of the womb and into this world, provided his needs throughout his life, gave him a working body, and gave him an intellectual, knowledgeable and insightful soul. Without this intelligent soul he would be like a horse or a donkey, with no understanding. One should contemplate how indebted he is to God and how great is his obligation to make sure to serve Him properly. Maharal, Tiferet Yisrael, Chapter 41: Even after God commanded us to remember [by observing Shabbat] that the world does not exist by chance, it would still be possible to believe that the individuals in this world exist by chance and are not specifically created by God. One might think that existence in general must have been pre-ordained, but not the individual existence of each person… By commanding us to honor parents, God is informing us that each and every individual exists by virtue of His specific will. If we, as individuals, were created by chance, there would be no reason to honor parents. It is for this reason that the Sages taught that when one honors his parents it is as if he has honored God Himself, for by honoring them he has demonstrated his awareness that God was involved in his own creation. On a flight back to the United States from Israel, Rabbi Yaakov Kamenetsky was accompanied by his son Rabbi Avraham Kamenetsky and by one of his granddaughters. Sitting in the next seat to Reb Yaakov was one of the heads of the Histadrut (the Israeli labor federation). The two discussed many issues, among them difficult passages in Tanach, throughout the flight. All the while Reb Yaakov’s son and granddaughter came regularly to see if he needed anything. Reb Yaakov’s seat-mate couldn’t contain his amazement. “Rabbi,” he said, “I rarely see my grandchildren, and certainly do not enjoy that type of relationship with them; I don’t think I ever would receive such loving treatment from my children and grandchildren. Tell me, Rabbi, what is the secret of your close connection with your family?” Reb Yaakov replied, “For those who believe in Darwin and his theory of random evolution, every successive generation is more refined and developed than its predecessors. Why, then, should the young honor the old? However, in our tradition, every earlier generation is closer to the Sinai experience and the source of our specialness as a people. My children and grandchildren look up to me because it is through me that they have a connection to our people.” (Rabbi Moshe Lieber, The Fifth Commandment, pg. 25)

4

Ohr HaChaim, Vayikra 19:: The reason [the Torah] starts off in the singular and ends in the plural, [“a son (singular) shall revere (plural)…mother and father”] is because when a son reveres his father, he causes his own son to revere him, too…When a son sees his father disrespecting his father [the grandfather], he [the grandson] also has no respect for his father. And when one reveres his father, his son will learn to do the same to him. [Therefore respecting one’s father] leads to two people respecting their fathers. That’s why [the Torah] starts off “a man” in the singular, and ends off with “shall revere” in the plural, for by one person revering, two will come to revere.

לשון יחיד וגמר אומר לשון (ויקרא יט:ג) טעם שאמרנתכוון לומר כי כשהבן ) ִּתיָראּו ִאיׁש ִאּמֹו ְוָאִביו(רבים,

יהיה ירא מאביו גורם גם כן שבנו יהיה ירא ממנו...כשיראה הבן שאביו מזלזל בכבוד אביו יפקע כלילת מוראו גם כן ממנו, וכשאדם ירא מאביו וכו' הבן לוקח

ונמצא מקיים ב' מוראים, והוא אומרו "איש" מוסר...מורא אחד יראים לשון יחיד "תיראו" לשון רבים, כי ב

שנים.

Imagine that your parents surprise you on your 20th birthday with a brand new car! You run out in excitement, but you stop in your tracks when you see it. It doesn't have wheels! You are furious and spend the next weeks sitting in the house pouting. After all, what good is a car without wheels? What would be a more appropriate response? Go out, earn some money, and buy the wheels! In life, we are often too quick to blame our parents for our problems and shortcomings. But we are acting like the person who gets the car without the wheels. Did our parents make mistakes raising us? Of course they did! Everyone makes mistakes. Our challenge in life is to accept what they gave us – the good and the bad – and make our maximum effort in life with what we have. Their mistakes do not eliminate our obligation to give them honor. Again, they gave us life. Kiddushin 31b: The Rabbis taught: What is [meant] by honoring [one's parents]? Honor means serving food and drink, helping them get dressed, and welcoming them when they enter and escorting them when they leave the home. 3. Rabeinu Yonah, Iggeret Hateshuvah, 3:70:

עיקר כיבוד אב ואם הוא לעשות להם נחת רוח בין בדברים בין במעשים.

Kiddushin, ibid:

. מכריעו ולא דבריו את סותר ולא במקומו יושב ולא במקומו עומד לא... (reverence)מורא איזהו ר"ת Sefer Chareidim (9:35): A child should never degrade parents, even in one’s heart, although one may feel “justified.”

Must I Always Listen to Mom and Dad? 1. Rabbi Moshe Lieber, The Fifth Commandment, p. 128 – Always consult a Rabbi before making life decisions that ignore parental directives. Although there are cases in which children are halachically within their rights to ignore parental directives, care must be taken to weigh the issues carefully before deciding practically on a course of action. If disobeying parents will result in arguments or ill will between parents and child, it may be

5

preferable that the child obey the parents. Neither parents nor children should ever use the Halachah as a coercive tool to compel others to yield to their wishes. Thus, one should never rule independently on such questions. Competent halachic counsel must be sought out, in order to accurately and objectively assess the situation before coming to any halachic conclusions. Both parents and children must provide the Rabbi with an accurate, candid picture of their respective opinions and emotions. In general, the Torah’s principle of chayecha kodmin, your own life comes first, is applicable to the mitzvah of Kibud Av. That is, when it comes to major life decisions and one’s own spiritual growth, a person must make those decisions for himself regardless of parental disapproval. As such we find that the Torah allows one to temporarily disregard parental advice when it come to questions of marriage, learning Torah, and living in Israel. Sifra, Kedoshim 1: 5: One might think that if his father or mother tells him to transgress one of the commandments stated in the Torah, he should listen to them. Therefore, the Torah says “[A man must fear his mother and his father], and my Sabbaths you shall guard, I am the Lord your God,” – you are all obligated to honor Me (i.e. the obligation to obey God outweighs that of honoring parents). Pitchei Teshuva, Yoreh Deah 240:

היה רוצה להתפלל בבית הכנסת שמתפללין שם יותר בכוונה ואמו מוחה בזה אין צריך לשמוע לה. Megillah 16b:

..גדול תלמוד תורה יותר מכיבוד אב ואם Rema, Shulchan Aruch Yoreh Deah 240: 25 – Marrying the girl of your heart. If the father protests against the son marrying a specific woman that he wishes [to marry], the son does not need to listen to his father.

וכן אם האב מוחה בבן לישא איזו אשה שיחפוץ בה .הבן א"צ לשמוע אל האב

If, all things being equal, the marriage will cause shame or other emotional turmoil for the parents, a competent rabbi should be consulted. Rabbi Moshe Lieber, The Fifth Commandment, p. 131 – Living in Israel. According to many Poskim (halachic authorities), the mitzvah to dwell in Israel, like any mitzvah that cannot be performed on one’s behalf by others, overrides the obligation to honor parents. Hence, one can move to Israel over parental objection…Other Poskim disagree. A competent halachic authority should be consulted for a ruling on these questions.

The Rema’s ruling that a son does not need to listen to his father who opposes him marrying the woman he desires only applies when the father protests his son marrying a girl who is morally and religiously good for him. But if the girl is not right for him [his character or religious level will suffer as a result of the marriage], he must listen to his father.