Holy musical b@tmanAct 1 Part 1

Ent. Eddie and Matches

EddieAlright you goon! Take these here drugs, put em into them there guns, and then hand them out to those gamblin prostitutes ah yeah yeah yeah hah ha

Matches I dunno about this, should we really be doing these, illegal activities? In a children’s hospital? For orphans?

Eddiewhy not?

Matchesword on the streets is five fingered scoletti was running a speakeasy uptown, when he got iced, by the bat.

Eddieshut ya chopper matches! There aint no such thing as a bat! Now hurry up! We gots lots more racketeering to do tonight ah yeah yeah yeah hahaha

MatchesThen it’s a good thing I brought my racket!

Eddieoh matches you make me laugh like nobody else! Now whadya

you say we go grab a delicious cold…

(something bangs, lights dim)

MatchesWhat was that? It sounded just like a bat.

Eddiedamn! What happened to the lights?

MatchesI cants sees nothing. Its like im blind. Blind as a…

Ent. Batman

Batman

A bat!

(fight sounds)

Batmanfractured jaw, broken ribs, ruptured spleen

EddieAgh matches!

Batmanshattered tibia.

Eddiewhats a tibia?

(breaks leg)

Agh my fucking tibia!

BatmanThat’ll teach you to dabble in crime once. Support your families like the rest of us, be born billionaires. Tear

gas!

Ext. Batman, Eddie and Matches

Ent. Gordon, O Malley

O MalleyCommissioner Gordon, get a load of this! Two goons hanging

upside down from a lamppost!

GordonOh my! What could have done this?! What do you think Dr.

Meridian?

Ent. Meridian

MeridianIn all my years as an animal psychologist I have only

encountered one creature to exhibit such behavior; a bat.

Ext. Meridian

O Malley

Commissioner, those goons we cut down had a note attached to them.

GordonM-m-maybe we should read it!

O MalleyIt says, criminals of Gotham… Fear me!

And then its signed, Bruce Wayne. But then that’s crossed out and its written underneath… Batman!

(song: Holy Musical B@man)

O MalleyCommissioner, its happened again! The whole Valtrini mob is

hanging outside from a lampost!

Ext. Chorus, O Malley

GordonOh…Peaches!

I’m baffled… how does a bat become a man? And why does he have such a strong sense of justice? Does he want fruit or

blood?!

(Phone rings)

This is the Commissioner, you better have some good news.

BatmanTonight will be a night of terror!

GordonWell that’s terrible news!

Ent. Four Gangsters

Gangster 1Yo! Is yous here for the illegal deal or what?

Gangster 2I sure am, you got that money?

Gangster 1Yeah, if you gots the shipment of pirated DVD’s

Gangster 2

I sure do! Dunno who would want this many copies of Spiderman 3, but hey Boss’ orders.

Gangster 1Well lets just load them onto the truck…

(bang)

Gangster 3What was that?

Gangster 4Sounded like a sonic boom, as if something breaking the

sound barrier. Something like… a bat…

Gangster 2Whoa! Look up there in the sky! It’s a plane, a high tech

plane!

Gangster 1Quick boys, shoot it down with these here vintage tommy

guns!

(Gangsters make fake gun noises)

BatmanHahaha, nice try punks but I’m 3 miles above the earth’s surface. You should be more worried about your patella

tendons,

Gangster 4Why should we be worried about our patella tendons?

(gunfire)

Gangster 3Oh god, I’ll never walk again!

BatmanGods not up here, only Batman!

GordonAlright everybody calm down and I’ll take your questions!

VickyCommissioner Vicky Val here from Channel 7 news

GordonHi Vicky

VickyMy viewers are wondering what were those terrible noises and

explosions that rocked Gotham last night

GordonWell that uh… that appears to be the work of the Batman.

ChorusBatman? Rabble rabble rabble!

GordonYes it appears he has a plane…

VickyA plane!

ChorusOoh!

VickyWell what;re you gonna do about it?

GordonWell nothing, I’m not gonna tell batman what to do, he’s

Batman!

(song: Holy musical batman)

VickyAnother Mob boss brought to justice today by the batman, but as his crime fighting career continues, we ask, who is the

man behind the mask?

Ext.Street.Day

Pizza 1Hey we got another pizza to deliver, and get this, its for

the batman!

Pizza 2Oh wow! Where we headed?

Pizza 1Uh… Wayne Manor.

Pizza 2Huh… I wonder if that Bruce Wayne knows Batman lives under

his house…

Pizza 1He probably does god bless him, and god bless batman!

(Song: Holy Musical Batman)

VickyVicky Val from Channel 7 news and I’m sitting down here with

Police commissioner Gordon. Now Commissioner, a lot of people are saying that the Batman is doing your job. So I

gotta ask, do the GPD and the caped crusader work together?

GordonWel Batman sent me this message and wants me to read it on

the air if you don’t mind!

VickyPlease!

GordonDear people of Gotham…

BatmanYour police force is inept and useless. Your elected officials are as useless as they are stupid, and your

judicial system is nothing more than an elaborate hoax run by the fat cat crooks it was created to destroy.

But none of that matters because I’m not fighting for the cops, city hall or even you! I’m fighting for me, this is my war, I am vengeance, I am the night, so STAY OUT OF MY WAY!

Gordon…Love batman.

Batman…Love Batman.

ChorusWow he’s so dark!

He’s so angsty!

And I wouldn’t want him any other way!

(Song: Holy Musical Batman)

(during song)Vicky

Batman strikes again, Defeating his arch nemesis, the joker. After his last battle with the caped crusader, the joker was

last seen falling from the greater Gotham Bridge.This just in! Jokers body has been found at the Gotham Pier.

He is dead.

Ext.City Hall.Day

GordonHello everybody, I welcome you to Gotham’s 200th

anniversary. I am pleased to announce that Gotham’s crime rates are at an all time low.

(clapping)

They’re still the highest in the world but hey, we’re working on it! For this we have our beloved Dark Knight to

thank, which is why we are gathered here today, to honor him with a key to the city!

(cheers)

To present him with the key is a very special guest, all the way from Metropolis.

ChorusOoh!

GordonSo stick around because he should be here any minute…

(whooshing sound)

Pizza 1What was that?

ManAn air attack!

Shopkeeper

Protect the women and children!

GordonOh hang on, its just Batman!

Pizza 1Flying his sonic jet through the city streets, classic

batman!

BatmanLook at all those wretched pinhead puppets, they all look

like bullseyes from up here…

ShopkeeperYou saved my life batman, don’t know how I could ever repay

you!

BatmanKill my parents will you? Well youre all criminals in my eyes! You just haven’t committed any crimes yet, but when you do ill be there. I’m everywhere! I’m the fastest thing

in the..

(whooshing sound)

Whassat??

Pizza 1 Look up there, it’s a bird!

BatmanOh no, not here…

ManNo you idiot that’s batmans plane!

BatmanNot now…

ShopkeeperCaptain Marvel!

BatmanNot him…

Superman

No, it’s Superman!

ShopkeeperLook it’s Captain Marvel, all the way from Metropolis!

SupermanIt’s Superman.

ChorusHello Captain Marvel!

SupermanLicense and registration please, ha I’m just kidding!

BatmanUgh eat my dust you super, slowpoke!

SupermanOh I see, you wanna race huh?

ShopkeeperEveryone check it out, Captain Marvel and Batman are racing!

Go get him Batman!

(cheers)

SupermanOh man, are my limitless powers about to run out?

Ha no!

Chorus(Confused sounds)

BatmanWhat the hell where did he go?

SupermanBehind you! I just flew around the world.

Back from Space! Moon rock?

Hey I caught the riddler, you were looking for this guy right?

BatmanHey put down my villain!

Superman

OK.

ManHey his plane isn’t that fast.

ShopkeeperIt can’t even beat Captain Marvel!

Chorus Ha ha!

GordonAlright Batman you come down from your little plane and get

your key to the city!

Pizza 1Yeah come on down!

BatmanAargh!

(exit Batman)

Int.Batcave.Night

(Enter Alfred and Batman)

AlfredWelcome home sir.

BatmanUuurgh!

Get rid of it Alfred, I never wanna see it again.

AlfredWhat are you talking about sir?

BatmanThe plane Alfred.

AlfredBut sir, you love this plane.

BatmanNo, I hate that plane, just destroy it!

Alfred

Its not just your plane, its your fathers plane. And its all that’s left of him.

BatmanFine, just…get rid of it! Send it to aquaman, who cares!

Just get it out of my sight.

AlfredThere’s an idea, Aquaman can use all the help he can get.

BatmanThis world… it’s rotten, rotten to the core. It’s just full of people who kill your parents, and fly faster than your

plane!You know the one thing that made me happy, the one thing

that I liked, was being more powerful than everyone. Soaring godlike in the sky, crippling misguided youngsters that I’d

never met! Made me feel like I was worth a damn…But if I can’t fly faster than Superman, I might as well

die!

AlfredCome on, Cheer up sir. You know, there’s more to life than senseless violence and extravagant spending. Think sir, who

do you like spending time with?

BatmanThe joker. But he’s in heaven now, with mom and pops. Making them laugh I just know it! I guess the closest thing I have

to a friend is…you. But I pay you.

AlfredApples and pears sir. Surely there’s somebody else. Maybe

one of your work friends?

BatmanI’ve never worked a god damn day in my life, you know that

Alfred! The only person I ever see over at Wanye Enterprises is… Lucius Fox! He’s always making me guns and planes and

tanks and stuff!

AlfredWell there you go, things aren’t as bad as they seem.

BatmanI haven’t talked to him in ages, I’ll call him now!

Alfred

Right now? You know what I’ll leave the room, give you some privacy.

BatmanNo, stick around! You can say hi he’ll love that.

(phone rings)

AlfredI have to make a confession sir, you’re not the only one

with a secret identity. Turn around.

(Batman turns)

AlfredOther way.

BatmanWhy?

AlfredYou see when I was stationed in Burma with your father,

(this is before the war)I made a promise to your father that if anything ever happened to him, I would pretend to be your

butler. So I, Lucius Fox, took up the guise of Alfred Pennyworth so I could give you words of wisdom 24/7, eight

days a week, at work and at home.

BatmanSo, all those times you cleaned the entire mansion…

AlfredThis place is filthy.

BatmanAnd did my laundry…

AlfredI just throw them out at the end of the week and buy you new

clothes.

BatmanSo, what you’re saying is, I have no friends at all.

(cries)ALFRED! How could you do this to me?

You raised my hopes so high, then mugged and shot them in an alley. Turns out I can’t even trust you. You’re fired you

old…fraud!

AlfredWell if that’s what you bloody want, then fine!

BatmanFine!

AlfredFine!

BatmanFine!

AlfredYou won’t last a day without me!

BatmanI will to!

AlfredWanna bet?

BatmanYeah?

AlfredFuck you.

BatmanWha-Fuck you!

I don’t need him… oh Alfred…

AlfredTop of the morning sir.

BatmanWhat? Who are you and how did you get into the batcave?

AlfredThe agency just sent me over, I’m whathisname’s replacement.

My names O’ Malley.

Batman

Good to meet you O Malley. I’m Batman, and I’m in a bat mood… and the cave is a mess!

AlfredIt’s a nice cave sir. You know, before the war your father used these tunnels to build an underground railroad. I’m

sorry sir, would you like to be alone?

BatmanI am alone, this is what its like to be Batman. Darkness,

solitude. This is the life I have chosen…no this is the life that’s chosen me!

AlfredPoor Master Bruce, he’s such a lonely fellow…

(song: dark, sad, lonely knight)

Poor Master Bruce, poor Mr. Wayne Lonely caboose on a one car train. 

And it pains me to watch you amble along This track of loneliness I laid down for you. 

I remember that horrible night, the night you were split in two And I swore I’d protect you (and I haven’t). 

So I built a wall all around you, but the wall was too tall And it blocked out all of the birds and the sun. 

I tried to raise you right, I tried to raise you proper. I tried to be a mentor and a friend, and a mama and a papa too. 

And insulate you from any outside source of fright. And make bloody certain you’ll never see another 

Dark, sad, lonely night. 

Batman: As I look at my life I see something’s not right 

Like a thousand percent. And I wonder what it is, how it is that it’s always just me here 

Crying alone at the end of the night, ten thousand percent. 

Put most of the blame on Alfred. How come he couldn’t take the bullet intended for mama and papa? 

I never had a pony. I never had pets. Just a bullshit butler, who builds bullshit jets. 

Oh! I’m falling apart, I need a friend. Somebody to hold on to. Somebody to confide in. 

Think of the children, next time you gun down their mama and papa. Because they probably don’t have another mama and papa. 

I was seein’ a girl for a while, a couple days anyway And I told her I loved her. 

She said you’re such a good friend and that rash is bad 

You should really go see a doctor. Then she just disappeared, sent me some text about bad timing 

And my love being selfish. Then my doctor called up and the blood came back and as it turns out 

I’m allergic to peanuts and shellfish. I loved peanuts and shellfish once. 

I’m falling apart, I’m lacking punch. I can barely eat. This morning I barely touched my brunch. Two spoons of oatmeal, a couple of nuts, and half a banana. 

And like my soul, the banana was bruised and black. 

I’m falling apart, I need a friend. Somebody to hold on to, somebody to confide in. 

Somebody to ride in the cockpit Co-captain of the friendship ship. 

Or maybe just a friend ship. If I had a buddy, we could discuss 

Just what we call friendship. 

I want to be somebody’s buddy Somebody who can be my buddy back. 

I want to be somebody’s buddy Anybody but a dumbshit butler. 

(repeated) 

Superman: I want to be somebody’s buddy 

Somebody who can be my buddy back. (repeated) 

Green Lantern: I want to be somebody’s buddy 

Somebody who can be my buddy back. (repeated) 

Batman: I want to be somebody’s buddy

(end)

AlfredMaster Bruce needs companionship, but where does a young man

find that in 1997?Of course, the personal ads!

Let’s see here… Young hot female seeking old English Butler…I’ll keep that one… save it for a rainy day I will.

Lets see… dogs for sale…no.Orphans for sale? Why O malley you’ve done it again, by the

luck of the Irish!

(phone rings)

Ext.Street.Night

Voice machine:Hello, you’ve reached the voicemail of ‘Batman’. Please

leave after the tone.

SupermanHey Batman, listen I’m just calling to apologize, I think we got off on the wrong foot the other day. You’re a hero, I’m a superhero lets be friends! Me and aquaman and a few of the

other guys are fighting Solomon Grundy on Monday and I’d love it if you could be there. You could throw a boomerang, or punch him, whatever it is you do. Also, wonderwoman is

gonna be there so... there you go.Anyway call me back as soon as possible, actually you better call me in the afternoon cause I’ll be up all night partying

with my friends in the fortress… of solitude.

(Enter Green Lantern)

Hey GL what’s up my man?

GLHey not much eh actually were you just talking to batman?

SupermanYeah, well his answering machine…

Ent.Villain Lair. Night

(song: rogues are we)Scarecrow:

Line up, sign upIf you're looking for some sin 

Poison Ivy:And a dirty way to win. Yeah! 

Penguin:Get pissed, enlist

Tap into the devil within 

Mr. Freeze: Let the villainy begin 

All: We're joining forces

Riddler:We're making clever quips

All: We revel in malevolence

Four thousand horses of the apocalypse

Mr. Freeze: Giddy up, Gotham

Catwoman: Giddy up, up, up 

All: We're going rogue, rogue, rogue! 

Rogues are we!

Catwoman: We are the harlots and the hussies

All: Rogues are we!

Mr. Freeze: We are the swindlers and the cheats

All: Rogues are we!

Poison Ivy: We're rising up from the underground

All: Rogues are we!

Penguin: We're taking over your streets 

Riddler: Riddle me this

I've got a puzzle that put you to tears I'm cruel but never crass 

Penguin: Look no further than here

To see a penguin without peerI've got a certain touch of class

Scarecrow: I made a fear toxin in the form of gas 

Then I wear a scary mask 

Mr. Freeze: I've got ice in my veins 

Poison Ivy: 

Venom on the vineI'll weed out any wussy 

Catwoman: I'm a pretty little kitty

But I ain't no-

All: Rogues are we! 

Catwoman: We are the harlots and the hussies 

All: Rogues are we!

Mr. Freeze: We are the swindlers and the cheats 

All: Rogues are we!

Poison Ivy: We're rising up from the underground

All: Rogues are we!

Penguin: We're taking over your streets

All: Rogues are we!

(end song)

PenguinAh Riddler!

FreezeWow, what a cool crowd, how ice to see you all again.

PenguinAh freeze, so good to see you again, come over here and kiss

my flipper!

CatEnough pussyfooting Penguin, lets get this meeting started

meow

PenguinAh I thought I saw a puddycat!

That’s what I love about you catwoman, a chick who knows her business! Now ladies and gentleman, I’m sure you all know

why you are all here, I assume you’ve been reading my tweets! We are being plucked like the feathers of a bird by

a guy who dresses up like a bat!

Rabble rabble! Rabble!

He is sticking his beak in our business and it is starting… to ruffle my feathers.

FreezeBecause of batman my projects have been put on ice, my

assets are frozen.

IvyI’ve been uprooted!

ScarecrowHes given me an awful fright!

CatWe better catnip this guy in the bud before he sends us to

the pound.

TwofaceI second that!

ScarecrowWho invited twoface?

TwofaceLets make this quick, I’m double parked!

IvyWe didn’t invite you!

TwofaceI know but this is the second meeting you guys haven’t

invited me to, which isn’t fair! I’m twice as villainous as the rest of you!

Freeze Oh yeah? Whats your latest icecapade?

IvyWhat’re you gonna do, rob the second largest National Bank

of all it’s two dollar bills?

TwofaceYeah! On February 2nd!

ChorusOh jeez..

TwofacePlease let me join the Council of rogues, please!

RiddlerNo way!

PenguinFly the coop twoface!

CatYou’re a secondary villain.

TwofaceWhatever, I was gonna head over to a 2chainz concert!

Catch you on the… flipside?No my coin!

RiddlerGet your broke ass outta here twoface!

SweetExcuse me…

TwofaceNo it was my fault…and mine!

PenguinSo what are gonna do about this dark knight, because I am

stumped.

SweetWell, well, well, you guys are up to your old twix.

FreezeA twix bar?

PenguinAlright alright, whos the wise guy who thinks hes a joker?

SweetHa the joker?! The joker was.. a sucker. You can call me

sweet tooth, and as you can see I’m a lot tastier!

(gasp)

ScarecrowSweet tooth is the newest villain in town, he’s been terrorizing gotham with his candy related crimes!

SweetYes it’s been quite a spree hasn’t it? Yet I still haven’t been invited to join your council of rogues…I haven’t heard

a wispa! You know what, I think your group needs a new leader, I nominate me! Hahaha

PenguinQuit your squawking sweet tooth, I’m king of the walk around

here, chilly willy!

ChillyYes boss?

PenguinChilly Willy, please remove mr. tooth from the premises

immediately.

Chilly You got it mr. guin.

PenguinActually its just one name, penguin. No mister.

ChillyYou got it Mr. Pen.

SweetPerhaps you need a demonstration, chilly willy would you

like a lollipop?

ChillySure I wouldn’t mind a…

(stabs chilly, gasp ensues)

SweetI say, we kill the bat!

CatThat sounds absolutely purrfect.

PenguinKill the bat, if I had thought of that I’d still be the head of this organization. Sweet tooth, my monacle and top hat

are off to you.Ladies and gentlemen put your flippers together for the new

king of Gotham!

SweetNow quit your snickering, we’ve got a bat in our bellefree, and if we ever want it to be payday, we’ve got to strengthen our numbers. You see divided we’re just runts, but together we pack a sour punch. I mean there’s no way one man can stop

us, no matter how batty he is!

ArthurDoes this mean… I can join you?

SweetYou are most welcome to join our round table, king Arthur!

SherlockAnd what about me?

SweetBut of course!

SherlockA chance to prove myself, when the people of Gotham see my heat ray there won’t be a soul alive who doesn’t fear…

Sherlock Holmes.

SweetGothams been chewing on bat casserole for too long, it’s

time to move onto…dessert.

Sweet Tooth:Rogues! AssembleGather, Unite

And take a mental snapshotOf this most auspicious night

We've got strength in numbers nowThe battle can begin

We're waging war on BatmanAnd the war is our’s to win 

Sweet Tooth and Poison Ivy:Rise up! Like a natural disaster 

We take The Bat, then we take back the town We harm in harmony, arm in arm we hold our stance 

In solidarity he hasn't a chance 

All:Rise up! Like a natural disaster 

We take The Bat, then we take back the town We harm in harmony, arm in arm we hold our stance 

In solidarity he hasn't a chance 

Sweet Tooth:(Spoken) Let's dance!

(Instrumental)

All:Rogues are we! 

Rise up! Like a natural disaster(Rogues are we!)

We take The Bat, then we take back the town (Rogues are we!)

We harm in harmony, arm in arm we hold our stance (Rogues are we!)

In solidarity he hasn't a chance 

Sweet Tooth:(Spoken) Let's dance!

All:Rogues are we!

Int.Batcave.Night

(sobbing)

AlfredSir, it’s me O Malley. You can’t stay in your pillow fort

and cry forever.

BatmanYes I can.

AlfredBut I’ve got a surprise for you

Batman…What kind of surprise?

AlfredYou have a visitor.

BatmanI don’t like visitors.

AlfredI know that, but this visitor isn’t like any other visitor.

You see he’s from the circus.You like the circus, don’t you?

Batman…yeah.

AlfredWho loves the circus?

BatmanBatman.

AlfredYou love the circus!

BatmanBatman loves the circus.

AlfredWill you come out and give it a shot?

Batman…I’ll try.

AlfredVery good sir. Our guest is waiting in the drawing room. Now

let’s get this tied around waist, so you feel nice and secure.

BatmanThank you, O Malley. You know you remind me of two great

men, who turned out to be the same person.

AlfredVery good sir.

BatmanWhat? A kid?! I thought it was going to be an elephant, or

at a clown. I miss the joker…

AlfredGive him a chance sir. You see, he’s fallen on a patch of

bad luck. He’s an orphan.

BatmanAn orphan? But what happened to his mama? And popa?

Alfred Both dead I’m afraid, and his heart is heavy with dread.