Remember when you used to stare longingly at that Christmas tree, conjuring up the bounty that Santa’s going to be stuffing underneath for you? Well I don’t. A hohoing fat elf who circles the globe in one night and slide down all the chimneys? Oh please. I mean, really, chimneys? But after consuming a book called The Christmas Tree That Ate My Mother, my unbelief in the magical was shaken. I mean, I won’t say I “believed” in an evil Christmas tree that disappeared unsuspecting family members —it’s just that you wouldn’t have left me alone in the room with that spiky, tenacled pine plant for all the presents in the world.

So even though tis the season to be jolly, you better watch out. As these classics and classical horrors remind us: there’s always a waft of ill-tidings —real or imagined—just beneath the mistletoe.

Oh Christmas Tree!

The Christmas Tree that Eats MothersAmazon surfing as bought me back in touch with this Scholastic title that was part of a holiday-themed Goosebumps knock-off. The young and sole reviewer proclaims: “This book was awesome. I've read it over 100 times. It just reminds me so much of Christmasses at my house.” Oh, and I thought it was just my house!While people-devouring currently isn’t at the top of my tree-related worries, I was grateful to Intern Jackie for sending along this handy guideline for making sure they won’t be instigating other horrors.

You think I look cute now?

What’s cute, cuddly, ancestor to the Furby—and bent on multiplying before turning into hordes of psychotic, dragonish monsters? Why, did you only get a guinea pig for Christmas?Surely a contender for the worse pet ever prize, Gremlins seize on the fear of the demonic lurking inside our furry friends. So if you don’t read this pet first aid care guidebook diligently –lapping Rover will start getting really hungry at night.

Poor kitty, he only wanted to play with the pretty lights. Unfortunately, the lights wanted to be left alone. Although you probably won’t need to restrain yourself from biting into the labyrinth of light cords you’ll be untangling this holiday season, do inspect for bare spots, gaps in the insulation, broken or cracked sockets along the way. Cats and humans will be grateful.

I double dog dare you!

It’s the stuff of nightmares: the urban legend that came true, the dare that went wrong, the tongue forever joined to the school telephone pole. And what with the ladders, shovels, and other heavy oblong objects we’ll all be dealing with this winter, you know someone is one their way to a painful encounter. So why not take that first aid class you’ve always been meaning to? Unsticking tongues aren’t in the curriculum—but I’m sure they’ll tell you anyways if you ask.

The Gift that Keeps on CryingMad TV (2006)

This angstier, more self-dramatizing cousin of the hotly coveted Tickle Me Elmo debuted to much delight on the now cancelled Mad TV. When Tickle Me Emo is not gazing dejectedly into a window or sighing on a couch: he is found spouting gems like: “If life is beautiful then, why do roses have thorns?” And in case you didn’t get the message: “I hate you! I hate you!”No wonder junior started having serious issues of his own after that Christmas.

Fa la la la Bah!

MuppetsA Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

Okay, I’m aware that Muppets are a cherished national institution and their take on the perennial classic is as stubborn a holiday tradition as honeyed ham –but the uncanny with which they defy the fundamental laws of physics, fecklessly break the fourth wall, and beget human-flesh offspring gives me the beejebees.

Go ahead and join me and Michael Cain in muttering: Bah humbug!

Department Store ElvesThe Santaland Diaries (1992)

Now that the Bad Santa has become a staple of the holiday cultural landscape, let’s take a moment to remember the original nasty Elf. When David Sedaris donned his tights as “Crumpet” in a New York Macy’s department, children and parents were in for more than candy canes and a cheek-squeeze. The reluctant, passive aggressive elf took revenge on his often less than appreciative charges by dispensing sarcasm-laced missives that go straight to the heart—or more likely, straight over their heads.

Even worse than being mocked by a department store Elf is getting mugged by your customers while punching the clock as the Big Elf yourself. That’s right, those tiny tots don’t want a cuddly toy or a jigsaw—they just want to turn out those puffy red pockets and go straight for the change. Kids these days—do they have respect for anyone?Keep your pouch and your other pouch safe, whether you’re amongst violent children or alone on a quiet silent night. The Arlington, Virginia Police Department has this pithy checklist that all should commit to memory.