Healing:A Woman’s Journey from Doctor to Nun

by Sister Dang Nghiem

An Official Reader’s Guide by Parallax Press

for the Reading Peace Book Club

Proposed Reading Schedule

● Week 1: Intro, Ch. 1 & 2, A Child of War

● Week 2: Ch. 3-5, My Tears Have Become the Rain

● Week 3: Ch. 6-8, Adjusting to Monastic Life

● Week 4: Ch. 9-12, Blooming as a Flower

Sister Dang Nghiem (aka “Sister D”)’s

memoir is a very personal, and at

times, intense read. Please take care

of yourself while reading this book

as it may be triggering or create strong

negative feelings within you.

Throughout the book, Sister D reveals

the painful memories of her many

traumas. She does so not to make us

feel bad or angry, but rather to reflect

on how to heal ourselves and others

from the many injustices and kinds of

suffering in the world.

Intro - Chapter 2:A Child of War

Reflections1. Sister Dang Nghiem grew up in a time of war, the Vietnam War. Clearly, it was a traumatic

period for her, her mother, and the country. Yet in such misery and violence, even as a child Sister Dang Nghiem found strength within herself to carry on.

Note every instance where she discovered or acted with wisdom and courage and ask: How can we be wise and courageous through the violence and traumas of today?

2. Sister Dang Nghiem clearly had a very difficult relationship with her mother and other close family members, including her violent and abusive uncle. Yet she is also careful in pointing out how people like her mother and uncle were also suffering immensely themselves.

Think about your own relationship to your family and loved ones. Try to see yourself in them, even when they harm you or make you angry. This is the teaching of interbeing and equanimity.

Reflections3. When Sister Dang Nghiem ends Chapter Two, she describes her classmate who works at a

brothel and yet was always generous. Furthermore, she was the object of both scorn and envy by her peers.

Think about a time you’ve judged a person because of rumors you’ve heard, her/his outward appearance, background and social status, vocation, etc. Wish that person well, then wish yourself well too.

Food for Thought“In that emptiness, there was lightness too. I wanted nothing but peace. I desired nothing but to let go. The choices were obvious: to commit suicide or to change my life completely.” p. 9

“No war promotes honest living. Thay said to me, ‘What happened to your mother also happened to the whole country.'” p. 12

“‘Purity does not mean that you have not been exposed to anything. Purity is a process of purification.'” p. 15

“Near my house, there was a brothel. The youngest daughter of the mistress of that house was my classmate. She was only fifteen years old, but her body was very developed… Most of the students looked at her with scorn and envy. They whispered, ‘Her mother sold her at a young age and that’s why she has a womanly body like that. She has a lot of money!’ I didn’t feel any hatred or disgust toward her. I didn’t tease her, but I also didn’t dare to be too close to her… She was always willing to lend money to other students… and she never asked for her money back.” p. 23

“[My Grandmother] reminded me of the only three requests she always asked of me: to raise my brother to be a good person, to obtain a good education for myself, and then to become a nun, for my own liberation and for others.” p. 26

From the Reading Peace Book ClubWhat a life Sister Dang Nghiem has lived so far, even in the first couple chapters. What a testament to the resilience of the human spirit. And what loving, simple language she is able to use to relay her experiences. She truly does glow with the nondiscrimination which is her namesake.— Tim

The world outside our home is so very difficult and we all suffer in some way. I'd like to have our home be a place where when my family returns after a long day they feel the tension leave and feel peaceful.— Pixiepjp

I have nearly finished the book. I couldn't put it down. I could identify with her on so many levels. It made me laugh and cry along side her. I too desired the peace she craved for but found it not by changing my life but changing my thoughts and beliefs about myself. I too reached the point where I had to choose to die or find a way to live in this world. Luckily I had a loving family and a good teacher that helped me love myself and so let go of the attachments that I relied on for my self worth. I still have a journey to travel but Thay’s teachings and also this book have been motivator. — Ann

Read with us on Goodreads

Chapters 3-5:My Tears Have Become the Rain

Reflections1. While Sister D was in medical school, she had the opportunity to help various kinds of people —

incarcerated youth from diverse backgrounds as well as people with terminal illnesses such as Mr. Lamphere. Interestingly, Sister D notes throughout Chapter 3 how she learned more from them than the other way around.

Notice how each person’s life she touched also transformed her own in some way.Whose lives have you touched and how have they transformed you?

2. Learning to deal with grief is a major part of being alive. In Sister D’s case, for example, it sparked her transformation from medical student to nun, thus in a roundabout way fulfilling her grandmother’s wish that she become a nun to help liberate all beings from suffering.

Loss —from death or through some other means— is an end, but also a continuation.

Reflections3. Chapter 5 is about Sister D’s transition to monastic life at Plum Village Monastery in France. She

wanted to begin anew, but this was easier said than done. As she wrote, she was constantly reminded of her multiple past traumas and “now I had to face my own mind.”

Think about a time you wanted a fresh start for yourself. Did it ever happen? Why or why not?

Food for Thought“My life is the life of all beings, immersed in the sea of suffering. Because of ignorance, we cause suffering for each other and for ourselves.” p. 33

“I vow to bring awarenessinto my dreams tonight,to dispel all fear,see desires as empty,and find ways with mindfulness andto know what is true and what is unreal.” p. 61

“When the doctors opened his abdomen, they saw that the cancer had spread to all the adjacent organs. There was nothing they could do except to sew him back up immediately.

That night I came to visit him at his hospital bed. ‘It’s funny!’ he said. ‘Now I feel more at ease even though I know I will die.’ I just sat quietly and let him talk. ‘Isn’t it strange?’ he said. ‘I have been in pain all day long, and I haven’t felt any pain at all since you came to see me. I wish I had become someone like you. Instead, I became a bitter and cynical person.’

It was two o’clock in the morning. The other patient in his room was already sleeping. All was quiet. The lights were off, and there was only some faint light coming from the hallway. In that half dark and half light, Mr. Lamphere and I quietly held each other’s hands, with beaming smiles.” p. 39

Food for Thought“Some time in my first or second year of medical school, I found a book by the Zen monk Thich Nhat Hanh. I never finished the book, but I particularly liked a story he told about a man who was in a mental hospital because he believed he was a kernel of corn. Every time he saw a chicken, he would run for his life.

A doctor came to talk to the man and told him, ‘You are a human being. You shouldn’t be afraid of chickens.’ The man began to understand. The doctor told him to repeat to himself five hundred times a day that he was a human being and not a kernel of corn. After a month, the doctor came back to check on him. The nurses reported that this man had been practicing very diligently. He would stay in his room and every day he would repeat his mantra, ‘I am a human being.’ He was making great progress. So the doctor said, ‘I will release you. Walk with me to the office.’

They walked to the office to do the paperwork. On the way to the office, the man saw some chickens—this was a mental hospital in Vietnam, where there are chickens roaming around—and he ran for his life. When the doctor caught up with the patient, he asked, ‘Why did you run away?’ And the man said, ‘Well, I know I’m not a kernel of corn. But does the chicken know that?'” p.46-7

Food for Thought

“Outwardly, perhaps the two worlds in which you and I live in seem dramatically different. I am in a monastery, and you are in a state prison.

Upon deeper looking, perhaps we are going through experiences that are more similar than we’ve realized. It’s the minimal, simple living style that we both have… I’ve begun to come back to myself, to listen more deeply, and to understand what is really there.” p. 62

“When I missed the physical body of my partner, I meditated on its parts, tossed by the waves, torn, dispersed, and deteriorated. When memories of our lives together became acute and intense, I breathed.

I breathed through each wave of yearning, of regret, of guilt, of what-could-have-been. Every time I asked him, ‘Where are you?’ A quiet voice immediately responded, ‘I am here. I have never left you.’ I did not only lose a partner.

I lost my childhood all over again. I lost my soul mate. I lost the accepting father and the gentle mother that he was to me. I lost the dream of a ‘normal life,’ which I had tried so hard to achieve.

Now I had to face my own mind.” p. 63

From the Reading Peace Book ClubQ. Think about a time you wanted a fresh start for yourself. Did it ever happen? Why or why not?

A. This one made me shake my head at myself. I've tried giving myself a fresh start many times, but I've never felt it happen. Any "fresh starts" are quickly followed by me falling back into my own negative patterns, usually about how I perceive myself. So I've had moments of feeling truly free, but I've had difficulty sustaining them.

Another reason I've been loving this narration is because it gives me hope that I'm not hopeless because I haven't yet "gotten over" all these things that bother me - here we are, reading about a nun, who is still learning to deal with the things that haunt her! Prior to this book, I thought that nuns and monks had overcome these types of thoughts before becoming monastics. It's quite interesting to learn that they are still learning, just the same!

— AlexaRead with us on Goodreads

Chapters 6-8:Adjusting to Monastic Life

Reflections1. On a piece of paper, write down one thing you’d like to change about yourself. Draw a smiley face next to what

you wrote down. Fold it and put it into your pocket, purse, or wallet.

Look at this note each time you feel overwhelmed or discouraged.

Setting down your intention and smiling at your suffering is already transforming you into your best self.

2. Try practicing the first step of Beginning Anew with somebody you’ve had a conflict: flower watering (showing appreciation for the other person). It can be a co-worker, parent, partner, or friend. Generally it’s best to take turns, alternating between parties.

Showing appreciation for someone else (and not just flattering them) waters positive seeds in yourself and others.

Food for Thought“Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.” p.66

“One does not need to be an old guru, a wise person, or a corpse in order to taste liberation.” p. 67

“‘This is, because that is. This is not, because that is not,’ the Buddha taught. All the conditions have come together in such a way that we are where we are, and we are what we are. To hold on to feelings of regret is to lose the present moment.” p. 69

“As I begin to look at my mind with more awareness and compassion, I realize how much of my suffering was unnecessary. I thought I suffered more than others. I thought nobody could understand me. I expected my loved ones to be with and that, and I was disappointed… My thoughts, actions, and speech were sometimes unkind, which further watered the seeds of loneliness, jealousy, and anger in me. I had never thought of myself in these terms, but I realized I am not above any of these things.” p.71

Food for Thought“Each day I take stable steps for [my partner]. I take stable steps for my brother, for my friends, and for the incarcerated youth. I walk with the awareness that my loved ones step with me into stability and freedom.” p. 82

“When we transform, we stop that cycle of abuse. We stop that cycle of violence. We stop that cycle of suffering. We transform for our mothers and for the generations before them and after them.” p. 83

“[The practice of] Beginning Anew is not some kind of magic. Sometimes it works and the situation is resolved, but to me it’s a continual process. It’s like a sponge that has to clean itself… It takes a lot of patience and love to fully resolve a conflict.” p. 90

From the Reading Peace Book ClubHuong (Sister Dang Nghiem) touched my heart as she worked so hard to get ahead of her suffering and make a normal life for herself. The force of her crying and screaming in the forest near the Lower Hamlet may have been in direct proportion to the heroic effort she expended trying to outrun her childhood...I somehow found my way to volunteering for a local hospice. The patients and their families have taught me some pretty big lessons. The main one is that things are not always as they appear and that I just have to suspend judgment and meet people where they are unless there’s actual danger or abuse. We all cope in our own ways and no one can tell someone else how to grieve. All I can do is offer support and a calm presence.

— Elaine

Read with us on Goodreads

Chapters 9-12:Blooming as a Flower

Reflections1. Throughout the book, Sister D shares many of the letters she wrote to various people throughout her life: to

Thich Nhat Hanh, incarcerated youths, her friends and loved ones, her troubled younger brother, etc.

Write a letter to somebody you care about, either via e-mail or the ancient technology of pen and paper. The letter doesn’t require a set reason for writing; write from the heart.

If you’d like, please share your letters on our book club’s discussion boards.

2. Sister D ends the book on a hopeful note. She writes, “My inner eyes tell me that I no longer need to hide myself in shame or to show myself in pride. I have never been alone. My face is the face of my sisters, of my partners, of my mother, of my grandmother, of leaves, of mountains, of memories, and of awakened moments.”

Please try to surround yourself with a sangha — a supportive community of like-minded individuals. The book club is one way to do this, but continue to cultivate a sangha around you, wherever you are.

It can be a sangha of two, or of hundreds. Check out this directory of various sanghas that meet throughout the world.

You are never alone.

Food for Thought Two years ago, when Devin and his mother first came to Deer Park, he was incapable of sitting or standing still. In the meditation hall, he constantly shifted his body and ran in and out. When the Sangha did walking meditation, he could only hold his mother’s hand or a monk’s hand for a few seconds, then he would run past the leader of the group, turn around and run back to the end, and run to the front of the group again. Devin also often had problems with other children. During that period, his mother and father were having many difficulties and they were about to get a divorce. Devin’s mother told me that once she had a serious fight with her husband, and afterwards she lay on her bed, face down and sobbing. Devin came into her room and tried to console her, but she could not look up. He left her room, and when he returned, he’d brought a small bell. He invited the bell and said, “Breathe, Mommy. Please breathe!” She was so surprised that she sat up and burst out crying. “He’s so young, and here he is, trying to take care of me!” she told me. Many times when she seemed tense or lost, Devin reminded her, “Mommy, calm down. Breathe!”

— p.g. 127

“My inner eyes tell me that I no longer need to hide myself in shame or to show myself in pride. I have never been alone. My face is the face of my sisters, of my partners, of my mother, of my grandmother, of leaves, of mountains, of memories, and of awakened moments.”

— Sister Dang Nghiemp.g. 141.

Join the Reading Peace Book Club

Guide Written by Jason Kim, Digital Content Director at Parallax Press

www.parallax.org