gridiron starfirst!” s last requests s a jets fan is at a bar with his dog, who is also a jets...

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We are committed to publishing only jokes in SLDigest that are clean and tasteful. Our intent is to promote and provoke healthy laughter, never to offend. We all do well to remember that sometimes we need to be able to laugh even at ourselves. Thank you ~ Ken Gillette, Editor

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As a retired high school football coach, I’m aware that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports. A former fellow coach, Bob, was talking about one such player, who called him at home one night. When his wife informed the kid that Bob

wasn’t home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away. “Just calm down, and I’ll have him call you as soon as he gets home,” the coach’s wife told him. “What’s your number?” The flustered kid replied, “Three.”

S Aaahh, Kids! S

HALFWAY THROUGH DINNER one night, our friend Jim told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman. “Did you play sports in college, Mike?” his wife then asked me. “Yes,” I answered. “I was on West Point’s shooting team.” “That’s great!” she said, appropriately impressed. “Offense or defense?”

“The shoulder surgery was a success. The lobotomy failed.”

—Mike Ditka, Chicago Bears Head Coach, when asked for an update on quarterback Jim McMahon

An Alabama fan and a Tennessee fan, fighting alongside each other, were captured during Operation Desert Shield and sentenced to die by firing squad. The Iraqi commander asked the

Tennessee fan if he had any last requests. The Vol said, “I want to hear ‘Rocky Top’ one last time.” The ’Bama fan was then asked if he had any last requests. “Yes, shoot me first!”

S Last Requests S

A Jets fan is at a bar with his dog, who is also a Jets fan. When the Jets make a field goal, the dog struts down the bar and high-fives everyone he sees. After another field goal, the dog high-

fives everyone in the bar again. The bartender asks the man what the dog would do if they score a touchdown, and the man replies “I don’t know. I’ve only had him for three years.”

S Canine Jets Fan S

As the Seven Dwarfs marched through the forest one day, they fell in a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following behind, peered over the edge of the steep gorge and called out to her

fallen comrades. From the depths of the dark hole, a voice returned, “The Detroit Lions are Super Bowl contenders.” Snow White thought to herself, “Thank goodness! At least Dopey has survived!”

S The Seven Dwarfs S

Three die-hard fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team. “I blame the general manager,” said the first fan. “If he signed better players, we’d be a great team.” “I blame the players,” said the second fan. “If they made more

of an effort, we’d score some points.” “I blame my parents,” said the third. “Your parents??” said the other two. “Why do you blame your parents?” The third fan replied, “If I’d been born in Seattle, I’d be supporting a decent team.”

S The Blame Game S

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT the Tennessee Titans kicker who tried to throw himself on the floor in a fit of rage? He missed.

I WONDERED WHY the football kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

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Football players at the high school where I worked were stealing the practice jerseys, so the old coach who had been

at the school for over 30 years ordered a set with “Property of Central High School” emblazoned on them. When the thefts continued, the old coach ordered a new batch that had the imprint

“Stolen from Central High School.” But the jerseys still kept disappearing. Determined not to be outsmarted, the old coach finally stopped the larceny after he changed the wording to “Central High School 4th String.”

The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library. So when my husband’s co-worker Helen, a veteran librarian who always felt she could find an answer for anyone, saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help. “I have to read a play by Shakespeare,” he said. “Which one?” she asked. He scanned the shelves and answered, “William.”

MY HUSBAND, A BIG-TIME SPORTS FAN, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful. “You know,” he said to our young grandson, Nick, “it’s not easy getting old. I guess I’m in the fourth quarter now.” “Don’t worry, Grandpa,” Nick said cheerily. “Maybe you’ll go into overtime.”

Don’t Mess With Coach

GRIDIRON STAR

...you did the end zone hustle at your wedding reception.

...you dated the team mascot – in costume.

...your wife saw your marriage proposal on the stadium scoreboard.

...you’ve worn face paint to church.

...you keep a football playbook in the bathroom.

...your season tickets cost more than your house.

...you have a tattoo of your team logo.

...you have grandchildren are named Ditka, Heisman and Brady.

...your definition of “getting lucky” is a seat on the fifty-yard line.

...Stadium Food Service catered your wedding.

...you do “the wave” when you’re asleep in bed.

...your prenup mentions season tickets.

...you’ve owned three dogs in your life; Touchdown, Pigskin, and Bear.

...you have three big screen TVs in the living room for Sunday games.

...you’ve worn the same shirt on Sundays for ten years.

You Know You’re A True S Football Fan When... S

Driving home dejected from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, after a Mississippi-Louisiana State college football game that Ole Miss had lost 24-0, I was ignoring the speed limit and, sure enough, an old Louisiana patrolman flagged me down. “You’ve got me, officer,” I confessed as I handed him my license. “I was speeding.” The officer confirmed that he clocked me at 72 m.p.h. But as he spoke, I noticed him stealing a peek at my game program and a pair of binoculars on the passenger seat. “Were you down for the big game?” he asked. “Yes, sir,” I replied. The officer then paused for what seemed like an eternity. “Well,” he said finally, “I guess you’ve suffered enough.” I couldn’t believe my good fortune. But as my license was handed back to me, I felt compelled to ask, “Officer, what if Ole Miss had won?” “I’d have locked you up in a heartbeat,” came his reply. “Now keep it under 60!”

S Merciful S

The night before she was to attend a celebrity golf tournament, my elderly friend Irene went to a party in honor of the event. Several famous athletes who were playing in the tournament were at the door greeting guests. Among them was Joe Montana, the pro football Hall of Fame quarterback and Super Bowl winner. Shaking my friend’s hand, he said, “Hi! Joe Montana.” She didn’t know Joe Montana from Joe Six-Pack, so in all sincerity she extended her hand and said, “Irene. Minnesota.”

S Introductions S

“If you’re mad at your kid, you can either raise him to be a nose tackle or send him out to play on the freeway. It’s about the same.”

—Bob Golic, NFL defensive tackle 1979-1992


The world is just getting too complex for me. It even messes me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think

they could settle on something themselves but this sudden “Paper or plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for

a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid having to make that decision but I never remember to take them in with me. Now, I just toss it back to them. When they ask me, “Paper or plastic?” I just say, “Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.” Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

Boudreaux (pronounced BOO-dro, for y’all not familiar with Louisiana) staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his behind. A whiskey bottle in his back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his behind was cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and behind, and Clotile staring at him from across the room. She said, “You were drunk again last night, weren’t you, Boudreaux?” Boudreaux said, “Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?” “Well,” Clotile said, “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your blood-shot eyes, but mostly... it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!”

Paper Or Plastic?

Ol’ Boudreaux

A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation S with bricks others have thrown at him. S

My sister-in-law, a truck driver, decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, “He doesn’t like men.” “Perfect,” my sister-in-law thought and took the dog. Then one day as she was approached by two men in a parking lot, she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear the trainer wasn’t kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.

Recently Cletus came home from work, exhausted. He said to his wife, “I need my glasses checked. I’m so nearsighted I nearly worked myself to death.” Perplexed, his wife asked, “Cletus, what’s being nearsighted got to do with working yourself to death?” Cletus replied, “I couldn’t tell whether the boss was watching me or not, so I had to work the whole time!”

Time For S New Glasses S

My husband and I took our three-year-old granddaughter, Madison, to the home improvement store. Madison got tired of walking, so her grandfather let her ride on his shoulders. As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair. Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept on. Getting annoyed, he scolded, “Madison! Stop that!” “But Grandpa,” she replied, “I’m just trying to get my gum back.”

S But Grandpa... SThis old guy Joe says, “You know what’s nice about getting older, Mike?” Mike answers, “No, what?” Says Joe, “I’m more confident; it’s gotten easier to voice my opinions.” Mike says, “You know what’s even better, Joe?” Joe replies, “No, what?” Mike says, “It’s also gotten harder and harder to hear anyone else’s.”

S Joe & Mike S

SARCHASM: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

The Perfect S Guard Dog S

MISDIRECTED DIRECTIONS – “These warheads must be stored with the top at the bottom and the bottom at the top. In order that there may be no doubt as to which is the top and which is the bottom, the bottom of each head has been labeled with the word TOP.”


On an overseas flight, a lawyer and an older man were in adjoining seats. The lawyer asked the senior if he’d like to play a little game. The older man

was tired, and he told the lawyer he only wanted to sleep. But the lawyer insisted the game was a lot of fun. “Here’s how it works,” he said. “I’ll ask you a question. If you can’t come up with the answer, you have to give me a dollar. Then it’s your turn to ask me one. But if I can’t answer it, I have to give you $20.” The senior figured if he just got this over with, maybe he could get some sleep, so he agreed to play. The first question from the lawyer was, “How far apart are the earth and the moon?” The senior stayed completely silent, reached for a dollar, and gave it to the lawyer. Then he said, “My turn. What walks upstairs backward and comes downstairs forward?” The lawyer was stumped. He thought and thought. He tried to remember all the riddles he knew. He searched every corner of his brain. He even cheated and asked the flight attendants and other passengers. Finally he gave up. He woke up the older man and gave him a twenty. The senior stuffed the twenty in his coat and went immediately back to sleep. The lawyer couldn’t stand it. He woke up the older man and said, “I have to know. What walks upstairs backward and comes downstairs forward?” The senior got out his wallet, gave the lawyer a dollar, and went back to sleep.

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”

—Leo Tolstoy

“Happiness is not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort.”

—Franklin D. Roosevelt, 32nd President of the United States

One day in court, the prosecuting lawyer asked the farmer on the witness stand, “At the scene of the accident, did you tell the policeman you had never felt better in your life?” “That’s right.” The farmer replied. “Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client’s auto hit your wagon?” The farmer explained. “When the policeman arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. So when he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances it was a wise to say ‘I’ve never felt better in my life.’”

Riddle Me ThisRiddle Me This

Never Felt Better

The neighbors thought it was odd, but 93-year-old Morton was dating again. One Monday morning Morton woke up with a funny feeling that something important had happened the night before. It was during breakfast that Morton finally remembered what it was. He had proposed to his date, Greta. But what she answered he just couldn’t seem to remember. Morton picked up the phone and dialed. ”Hi, Greta,” said Morton, “I have a funny question for you. Do you remember last night when I proposed?” ”Oh, my gosh!” gushed Greta, “I’m so glad you called. I knew I said yes to somebody but I just couldn’t recall who it was!”

S The Jumper S

93 And S Still Looking S

FACED WITH HARD TIMES, the company offered a bonus of $100 to any employee who could come up with a plan to save money. The bonus went to a young man in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to $10.

A man is going to jump off a New York City building. Up rushes a good Irish cop. The cop yells up to the man, “Don’t jump! Think of your father.” The man replies, “Haven’t got a father. I’m going to jump. “The cop goes through a list of relatives; mother, brothers, sisters, etc. Each time, the man says, “Haven’t got one; going to jump.” Desperate, the cop yells up, “Don’t jump! Think of the Blessed Virgin.” The man replies, “Who is that?” The cop yells, “Jump, Protestant! You’re blocking traffic!”

GLIBIDO: All talk and no action.


A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was

agreed that they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View Restaurant because they only had $6 between them and Jimmy Johnson,

that cute boy in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see him and they can ride their bikes there. Ten years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys. Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and if they go late enough, there wouldn’t be too many whiny little kids. Ten years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns. Ten years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the food there was reasonable, the wine list was good, they had windows that open in case of a hot flash, and fish is good for your cholesterol. Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because lighting was good and they have an early bird special. Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because food was not too spicy, the restaurant was handicapped accessible and they even had an elevator! Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they had never been there before.

THE GIRLFRIENDS

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard. She asked him, “Grandpa, what is sex?” The grandfather was surprised that she would ask him and why her parents had not taken care of this question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the “birds and the bees.” When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The grandfather asked her, “Why did you ask this question?” The little girl replied, “Well, Grandma told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”

An Innocent QuestionA LARGE TRUCK WAS TAILING my son as he drove through town with his girlfriend. The truck matched them turn for turn, down every street. My son’s concern grew to alarm when the tough-looking older driver pulled next to him at a light, leaned out his window, and glared into his car. After a long, hard stare, the man grinned and called to my son, “Sorry, kid, I thought that was my granddaughter.”

Real (Silly) S Animal Laws S

» In North Carolina, it is against the law to use elephants to plow cotton fields.

» In New York City, one is forbidden from shooting rabbits from the back end of a Third Avenue streetcar when it is moving.

» In Kansas, people cannot shoot rabbits while in a motorboat.

» In Statesville, North Carolina, it is against the law to race rabbits in the streets.

» In Tuscumbia, Alabama, no more than eight rabbits can reside on the same block.

» A law in Detroit, Michigan, prohibits crocodiles from being tied to a fire hydrant.

» Donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs in Brooklyn, New York.

» People can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog in Oklahoma.

» In Tulsa, Oklahoma, dogs are prohibited from going on private property unless the owner gives his consent first.

» Florida has a law prohibiting the transporting of livestock on school buses.


Marge urgently needed a few days off work, but she knew the boss would not allow her to take leave. She thought that maybe if she acted ‘crazy’ then he would tell her to take a few days off. So she hung upside-down from the ceiling and made funny noises. Marge’s blonde co-worker asked her what she was doing. Marge told her that she was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss might think she was ‘crazy’ and give her a few days off. A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked, “What in the name of GOD are you doing?” Marge said, “I’m a light bulb!” He said, “Clearly, you are stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.” Marge jumped down and walked out of the office. When the blonde co-worker followed her, the boss said, “And where do you think you’re going?” The blonde said, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

ACTING A LITTLE CRAZYBecky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again. That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky’s face dropped as the guest called out, “It’s the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out.”

S Becky’s Sauce S

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless

man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky backcountry. Not being familiar

with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. The funeral director had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family or friends. As I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently I’m still lost...

The Lost Bagpiper

A LATIN AMERICAN MINISTER was touring the U.S. in an effort to boost financial support for missionaries and ministries in his home country. At a church luncheon, he was telling the guests about this home country, his family, and the important work being supported there. As he concluded, he said, “And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children.” After a pause, he said, haltingly, “You see, my wife is unbearable.” Puzzled glances in the audience prompted him to try to clarify by saying, “What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable.” Observing the laughter in the audience, he realized his mistake, but floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language by correcting triumphantly, “That is, my wife, she is impregnable!”

MY PARENTS DIDN’T WANT to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.

A pastor in Florida lamented that it was very difficult to get his message across to his congregation. “It’s so beautiful here in the winter,” he said, “that Heaven doesn’t interest them. And it’s so hot here in the summer that Hell doesn’t scare them.”

A man goes to see his doctor. “Doc,” he says, “I’m really having problems with my hearing. It’s terrible!” “Can you describe the symptoms?” the doctor asks. The man says, “Okay. Marge has blue hair and Homer is the fat guy.”

S Hearing Problems S

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. “All right, children, let’s take another example,” she said. “If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?” Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, “His wife!”

S Right & Wrong S

Not Getting S The Message S


A

TeacherTeacherThe Best

AS SHE STOOD IN FRONT OF her 5th grade class on the very first day of school, she told the children an untruth. Like most teachers, she looked at her students and said that she loved them all the same.

However, that was impossible, because there in the front row, slumped in his seat, was a boy named Teddy Stoddard. Mrs. Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed that he did not play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy and that he constantly needed a bath. In addition, Teddy could be unpleasant. It got to the point where Mrs. Thompson would actually take delight in marking his papers with a

broad red pen, making bold X's and then putting a big 'F' at the top of his papers.

The school required that every teacher review each child's past records. Mrs. Thompson put Teddy's off until last. However, as she reviewed his file, she found she was in for a surprise.

Teddy's first grade teacher wrote, “Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners... he is a joy to be around.” His second grade teacher wrote, “Teddy is an excellent student, well liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness. Life at home must be a struggle.” His third grade

teacher wrote, “His mother's death has been hard on him. He tries to do his best, but his father doesn't show much interest, and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren't taken.” Teddy's fourth grade teacher wrote, “Teddy is withdrawn and doesn't show much interest in school. He doesn't have many friends and he sometimes sleeps in class.”

By now, Mrs. Thompson realized the problem and she was ashamed of herself. She felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas presents, wrapped in beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy's. His present was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper


that he got from a grocery bag. Mrs. Thompson took pains

to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children giggled when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was one-quarter full of perfume. But she stifled the children's laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume on her wrist. Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough to say, “Mrs. Thompson, today you smelled just like my mom used to.”

After the children left, she cried for at least an hour. On that very day, she quit teaching reading, writing and arithmetic. Instead, she began to teach children.

Mrs. Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy. As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of the smartest children in the class and, despite her lie that she would love all the children the same, Teddy became one of her ‘teacher's pets.’

A year later, she found a note under her door from Teddy, telling her that she was the best teacher he ever had in his whole life. Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still the best teacher he ever had.

Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he'd stayed in school, had stuck with it, and would soon graduate from

college with the highest of honors. He assured Mrs. Thompson that she was still the best and favorite teacher he had ever had in his whole life. Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he got his bachelor's degree, he decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had. But now his name was a little longer. The letter was signed, “Theodore F. Stoddard, MD.”

The story does not end there. You see, there was yet another letter that spring. Teddy said he had met this girl and was going to be married. He explained that his father had died a couple of years earlier and he was wondering if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit at the wedding in the place that was usually reserved for the mother of the groom.

Of course, Mrs. Thompson did. And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. Moreover, she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their last Christmas together. They hugged each other, and Dr. Stoddard whispered in Mrs. Thompson's ear, “Thank you, Mrs. Thompson, for believing in me. Thank you so much for making me feel important and showing me that I could make a difference.”

Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back, “Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one who taught me that I could make a difference. I didn't know how to teach until I met you." ❖

Mr. Jones, the elementary school principal, made it a practice to visit the classes from time to time. One day, he walked into Miss Smith's 4th grade class, where the children were studying American History. Mr. Jones asked the class how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. From the back of the room Little Johnny yelled, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13!"

S Easy For You S

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being d ischarged. However, whi le working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman – already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet – who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. “I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

Complying With S Regulations S

MY DAD IS A GLASS-HALF-EMPTY and probably-polluted kind of guy. So during family outing to the zoo, I wasn’t surprised by his reaction when a magnificent peacock strutted past. As the rest of us admired the bird’s beautifully colored iridescent display, Dad wondered aloud, “Can you imagine what that thing would look like without feathers!?”


One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local

church. As is their habit, before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and chat about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone has evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?” The man says, “Yep, I sure do.” Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?” The man says, “Nope, I sure ain’t.” Satan, perturbed, asks, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?” “Well,” says the man, “I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”

There were two retired good ol’ boys from Alabama who loved to fish, and they wanted to try some ice fishing. They’d heard there was ice fishing up in Canada, so they took off for the North. The lake was nicely frozen. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, “We’re gonna need an ice pick.” So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, “We’re gonna need another dozen ice picks.” Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn’t. He sold him the picks, and the good ol’ boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, “We’re gonna need all the ice picks you’ve got.” The bait man couldn’t stand it any longer. “By the way,” he asked, “how are you fellows doing?” “Not very well a’tall,” the good ol’ boy said. “We ain’t even got the boat in the water yet.”

FRIGHTENING!

ICE FISHING NEWBIES

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor an older women professor who liked to challenge her students was about to introduce the subject of manic depression. She posed this question to her students: “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?” A young man in the rear raised his hand and earnestly suggested, “A basketball coach?”

S Abnormal S

Bump-ah S Stick-ahs SIF YOU CAN READ THIS, I’VE LOST MY TRAILER

CLEVERLY DISGUISED AS A RESPONSIBLE ADULT

IF WE STOP VOTING, WILL THEY ALL GO AWAY?

EAT RIGHT. EXERCISE. DIE ANYWAY

I DO WHATEVER MY RICE KRISPIES TELL ME TO DO

IF YOU CAN READ THIS, PLEASE FLIP ME BACK OVER (seen upside down on a Jeep)

BOLDLY GOING NOWHERE

IF WALKING IS SO GOOD FOR YOU, WHY DOES MY MAILMAN LOOK LIKE JABBA THE HUT?

AS A NIGHTCLUB OWNER FOR MANY YEARS, I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my customers. After several performances, I discovered the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified police, who arrested him. Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some musicians. “What happened to the drummer you had?” he asked me. “I had him arrested,” I replied. My friend paused for a second and asked, “Wow... how badly did he play?”

S Maybe Too Short SShorthand is the norm in the medical field when taking notes. HTN stands for hypertension, etc. I did a double take, though, when a diabetic patient came into our emergency room with high blood sugar levels. The attending nurse had written down the complaint as “Out of control BS.”

Our teenage daughter is not the most knowledgeable Catholic. After her father bought me a gorgeous cross pendant, Ashley gushed, “It looks like something the Pope’s wife would wear!”

S Ummmm... SI was teaching four-year-olds at our church. During one Sunday’s lesson I asked the children what it is that we must do in order to get to heaven. One child promptly answered, “Die.”

S Prerequisite S


“What’s a hipster?” asked my four-year-old cousin. “Someone who will wear something just to look different,” I said. “They’ll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses.” “Is Grandma a hipster?” he asked.

S Definition S

SOME PRIVATE COMPANIES are now taking over the reporting of local news. I read all about it in this week’s issue of U.S. News & Zesty Cool Ranch Doritos.

IN A NEWSPAPER: Owing to the lack of space and the rush of editing this issue, several births and deaths will be postponed until next week.

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years serving the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. “I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had come close to murdering the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss’s wife and had taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I came to know that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.” Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived, full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. “I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession!”

Dear Grandson,The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a“Honk If You Love Jesus” bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I’m glad I did! Whatfollowed was an uplifting experience! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, so lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is that I didn’t notice the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!” What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a “sunny beach.” Then I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked your teenage cousin in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I’ve never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers and, grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through before the light changed again. I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Love always, Granny

S The Very First Confession S AT THE LOCAL HARDWARE STORE, a helpful clerk asked, “Can I help you find anything?” “How about my misspent youth?” joked my husband. The chipper clerk shot back, “We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.”


10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have a kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, “Great Keith Richard’s mask!” But you’re not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or...” and can’t remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-spouses live.

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. “Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death – we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?” “Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. “And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?” The

first vampire said, “I’ll have a mug of blood.” The second vampire said, “I’ll have a mug of blood.” The third vampire

shook his head at his companions and said, “I’ll have a glass of plasma.” The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, “Two bloods and a blood light!”

Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old

S To Trick or Treat S

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE CHOPPER that crashed in the cemetery? Search and rescue workers have recovered 100 bodies and expect that number to climb as digging continues.

I’M NOT SAYING my wife is ugly… but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.

I THREW A BOOMERANG at a ghost the other day. I knew it would come back to haunt me.

“Last Halloween was bad for me. I got beat up. I went to a party dressed as a piñata.”

—Jim Samuels

“This Halloween the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part?

With a mouth full of candy you sound just like him.”—Conan O’Brien

“I VANT TO DRINK...”

Halloween Fright

Two monsters went to a party. Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” “Be a gentleman,” said the other monster, “and roll them back to her!”

S Two Monsters S

Last Halloween there was a knock on the door. I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, “Honey there’s a witch at the door. What shall I do?” She shouted back, “Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost.” So I did. My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.

A Witch S At The Door S


THE FATHER SAID TO HIS SON, “It’s time we had a little talk, son. Soon you will have feelings you’ve never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You’ll be preoccupied and won’t be able to think of anything else.” Then, with great gravity, he added, “But don’t worry, it’s perfectly normal. It’s called... golf.”

A COUPLE WAS HAVING a heavy discussion:Guy: I’m going out with Jack on Thursday.Gal: I don’t really like Jack.Guy: You’re not going. I know you don’t like him.Gal: But I want to go.Guy: Okay, then come.Gal: But I really don’t like him.Guy: That’s why you’re not going.Gal: Then why are you going?Guy: Because I like him.Gal: Then I can’t go.Guy: You can go. You don’t want to go.Gal: I don’t want you to go.Guy: Why?Gal: Because I can’t go.

A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen. Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspapers came through the gate. Aha! he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper. “I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away.” The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him. The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard’s checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing. Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to the supervisor. He walked into the supervisor’s office and before he could say a word, the boss said, “You’re fired!” “Fired?” he asked in total surprise. “Why? What did I do?” “It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed. So you’re fired.” “Wait a minute, what do you mean ‘failed’? Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard!” “Oh, really,” the boss answered. “Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows missing?”

On The Night Shift

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend to her grandparents’ home to meet them, and they were

appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the grandparents pulled their granddaughter aside and confessed their concern. “Dear,”

said the grandmother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.” “Oh, please, Grandma,” replied the granddaughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

Such A Nice Boy

Procrastination is the art S of keeping up with yesterday. S

The sheriff of a small town was also the town’s veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and the sheriff’s wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?” “Do you require his services as a sheriff or a vet?” asked the wife. “Both!” came the reply. “We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar in it.”

Small Town S Emergency S

The colonel who served as inspector general in our command paid particular attention to how personnel wore their uniforms. On one occasion he spotted a junior airman with a violation. “Airman!” he bellowed. “What do you do when a shirt pocket is unbuttoned?” The startled airman replied, “Button it, sir!” The colonel went toe to toe with him, looked him in the eye and said, “Well?” At that, the airman nervously reached over and buttoned the colonel’s shirt pocket.

Military S Inspection S


» In Chicago, it is illegal to take a French poodle to the opera.

» Dogs are strictly forbidden from riding in ambulances in Westport, Massachusetts.

» Wallace, Idaho, decreed it is unlawful for anyone to sleep in a dog kennel.

» In Clawson, Michigan, a law specifically makes it illegal for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.

More Real (Silly) S Animal Laws S

After many years of marriage, her husband had turned into a couch potato, completely inattentive, guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband’s attention, he’d just shrug her off with some bored comment. This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported “Goony Bird” and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, “Goony Bird! The table!” Immediately, the Goony Bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, “Goony Bird! The shelf!” Again the Goony Bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds. “Wow!” said the wife, “If this doesn’t attract my husband’s attention, nothing will!” So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching a game. “Honey!” she exclaimed, “I’ve got a surprise for you! A Goony Bird!” The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, “Goony Bird, my foot!”

THE GOONY BIRD

President Obama was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, “I sure would like to go to Disneyland.” The President said, “No problem. I’ll take you there on Air Force One.” The second kid said, “I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s.” President Obama said, “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!” The third kid said, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!” Obama is a little perplexed by this and said, “But you don’t look like you are handicapped.” The kid says, “I will be after my dad finds out I saved your buns from drowning. He’s a Republican!”

HEROIC RESCUE

Old Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men had only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Old Bubba and said, “Thank you for your interest but we’ve decided to give the Yankee the job.” Old Bubba asked, “And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!” The manager said, “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed.” Old Bubba then asked, “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?” The manager replied, “Bubba, it’s like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down ‘I don’t know.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I.’”

Bubba’s S Application S

ACCORDING TO A RECENT SURVEY, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is that they’re a bunch of liars.

ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL, the old Kindergarten teacher who was about ready to retire said, “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.” A little voice from the back of the room asked, “How will that help?”

TWO OLD LADIES SAT on a bench talking. One said to the other, “Good heavens! Who did your hair? It looks like a wig!” The second lady replied, “It is a wig.” “Really?” exclaimed the first lady, “You could never tell!”

gridiron starfirst!” s last requests s a jets fan is at a bar with his dog, who is also a jets...

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