getting what you want 08 hi res

8/14/2019 Getting What You Want 08 Hi Res

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Welcome to the web version of Getting What You Want(GWYW).

PACE and Camden Primary Care Trusts Good Sexual HealthTeam jointly published GWYW in 2006, in printed form, for

gay and bi men in London. It was funded by the healthservices in London as part of the London Gay Mens HIVPrevention Partnership.We have now made this web version to enable it to be usedby a wider audience.You can adjust the size of the document on your screen by

clicking on these buttons in the top menu bar.

For the exercises that involve writing, we suggest youprint off the relevant pages or make notes on paper orin a journal. There is more advice about how to use theworkbook in the introduction on the next page.We welcome any feedback you have about this version ofGWYW. Please email us at: [email protected]

WELCO

ME

Click on the plus or minus buttons toincrease or decrease the size by increments.

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Welcome to Getting What You Want, the secopesoal evelopmet wokbook om PACE ogay a bisexal me. The st, Getting Ready,ocse o evelopig sel-esteem a gettigeay o elatioships.

This oe shol eally be calle Getting More ofWhat You Want, becase i a healthy elatioshipyo aely get eveythig yo wat, wheeveyo wat it. Howeve, may o s get less om oieships a elatioships tha we wol like.

Getting What You Wantaims to help yoevelop the skills a stategies yo ee to

make yo ieships a elatioships eepe,loge-lastig, moe lllig a moe .

It begis with a qick itoctoy execise that sesthe chaactes Cieella, the Wicke Stepmothea the Faiy Gomothe to give yo a isightito how yo te to elate to othe people.

Pat Oe o the wokbook aims to help yoevelop yo elatioship with yosel. Leaigto liste to yosel a esta yo eeligs

a peeeces is a ccial step to kowig whatyo wat a kowig what yo wat is thest step towas gettig it!

Pat Two aims to help yo evelop yo elatioshipswith othes. It ocses o listeig skills, talkig

skills a the peils o makig assmptios.

Pat Thee itoces ways to maage ieecesa cofict i ieships a elatioships. Asse as ight ollows ay, ieeces will aise.I the elatioships ae to svive, cofict eesto be ealt with caelly.

Pat Fo cotais iomatio abot pttig whatyo have leae ito pactice.

Yo ca wok thogh the book om stat to isho jst ip ito it, oig the execises that seem mostsel. Yo ca wok o yo ow, o with a ieo small gop o ies. Some o the execises mayseem a bit o to yo a ote, whe thigsae amilia, we esist them. Why ot give thema ty a stetch yo comot oe a bit? Yollget mch moe ot o the wokbook i yo o.


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introDuction GETTInG STArTEd 6

PArt onE rELATInG TO YOurSELF 10 How o yo eel? 11 Liste to yosel 17

dieet ways o lovig 21

PArt two GETTInG PErSOnAL 25 Liste to him 27 Talk to him 29 Fact om ctio 33

PArt thrEE MAnAGInG dIFFErEnCE 39

Tigges & Totoises 41 Maagig cofict 45 daily Tempeate reaig 51

PArt Four PuTTInG IT InTO PrACTICE 55 Go o it 57 Cosellig & Theapy 59 Listigs 61


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All of us have had some experience ofrelationships within our families, atschool and work, with friends and lovers.Every relationship is unique, as are thetwo people who form it. However, most

of us develop habits or patterns in the wayswe relate to others. These behaviour patternscan, without us realising, trap us in a way ofrelating that doesnt get us what we really want.

As for sexual relationships, many of us findthem difficult either to start, to keep goingor to feel comfortable in. Perhaps thats why

we can find ourselves wishing they wouldhappen like they do in fairy tales thatPrince Charming would ride up and sweepus off our feet and we would live happilyever after. But real life isnt like that.

This introductory exercise uses the charactersCinderella, the Wicked Stepmother andthe Fairy Godmother to represent

three distinct styles of relating.You can begin to explore yourown patterns of relating toothers by discovering whichof these styles you tend to use.

GETTIN

GS

TAR

TED

EXERCISEEXERCISEHere are 24 statements.Put a tick next to thosethat you identify with(even a little bit!).


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turn ovEr to DiscovEr your mAin rElAting stylEs.

I have ba lck i lie.

I people iitatig.

I it iclt to ask o help om othes.

I am always helpig othe people ot.

I ot like beig the cete o attetio.

I agmets, Im sally ight.

I eel misestoo by othe people.

I eve say o to my ies.

I eel gilty that I have a bette lie thaothe people.

People have to pove themselves beoe Itst them.

I have little time o wimps.

I pee my boyie to sese what I wati be, withot havig to tell him.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

11.

12.

I ca eel take o gate.

People who ag ae aoyig.

I Im pset, I thik my boyie shol

ask me what the matte is.

I it iclt to motivate mysel.

I qite like a agmet.

I it iclt to say o to eqests.

It aoys me whe people ty to help me.

I thik people shol be moe sppotive.

I ot like isappoitig othe people.

Im moe o a leae tha a ollowe.

I get moe ot o givig to othes thatakig o mysel.

I aely chage my mi i a iscssio.

13.

14.

15.

16.

17.

18.

19.

20.

21.

22.

23.

24.


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Whichever column has the most circles representsyour main relating style. If you didnt tick manystatements, you may be a person who hasrelatively balanced relationships a realPrince Charming, perhaps.

Read the following descriptions and see ifthey ring any bells for you.

CinderellaWicked

StepmotherFairy

Godmother

1 2 443 6 557 1010 8812 1111 9915 1414 131316 1717 181819 2222 212120 2424 2323

Poor Cinders sheshad a bum deal inlife, hasnt she? Itseasy to feel sorryfor her. But lets

look at her in adifferent light. Whydoes she bow to herstepmothers tyranny?Why doesnt shestand up for herself?Doesnt she think shedeserves to be happy?

If youre a Cinderella type, you probablysee the glass half empty, rather thanhalf full. You tend to wait passively forothers to fix things,and dont recogniseyour own power inrelationships. Youprobably look

up to the otherperson and putyourself down.

In the table below, circle the numbers of theanswers youve ticked:


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Discovering your habitual relationship style can be quite challenging but its not a life sentence!If you find yourself stuck in a particular role, and it isnt getting you what you want or need, thenyou could think about changing the way you relate. The rest of this booklet contains lots of exercisesto help you make changes. Though all of the exercises will be useful to everybody, Cinderellas shouldpay particular attention to the exercises in Part One, Wicked Stepmothers to those in Part Two, andFairy Godmothers to those in Part Three. Now read on

As for the WickedStepmother whata mean, hard-facedpiece of work. Butwhat has made her

so uncaring? Doesher way of relatingmake her happy? Isshe wary of gettingclose to others incase she gets hurt?

If youre a Wicked Stepmother type, you probablytend to behave in a critical and superior way inmost relationships. The satisfaction you getfrom putting other people down is only fleeting,however, and inside, you can feel frustrated anddissatisfied. Maybe you long for other people tofeel close to you, but you keep everyone at sucha distance that its unlikely anyone will.

Finally, lets look atthe Fairy Godmother.She spends her wholelife helping others but what does

she get out of it? Awarm, self-satisfiedglow? Perhaps shesfrightened of conflict,and thats why shesso people-pleasing.

If youre a Fairy Godmother type you probablyonly value yourself when youre helping others,so youre usually drawn to people who need help.But, deep down, you probably want more equalrelationships with real give and take. Since youhave trouble revealing your own needs andprefer to appear completely sorted all the time,its difficult for others to know how to give to you.


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It may seem a stage iea, bt beig able toelate sccesslly to othes stats with haviga goo elatioship with yosel. This measbecomig moe awae o who yo ae, whatyo eel a what yo wat.

This sectio helps yo lea to ame yoeeligs, liste to yosel a ietiy yopeeeces. All o these will help yo evelopyo elatioship with yosel.


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h

owDo

youF

EEl?


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Oe o the best ways to eepe a elatioshipis to talk abot yo eeligs. Whe yo o this,yo pate o ies will esta yobette, a will sally eel moe comotableabot tellig yo whats goig o o them.

This will help yo eel close to each othe.

uotately, o may me, talkig aboto eeligs is pecisely the opposite o whatweve bee ecoage to o. Beig a ma, ithe covetioal sese, is all abot sppessigeeligs o holig them i its cetaily otabot expessig them! So o gay me to omitimate elatioships with each othe, we otehave to go agaist a lot o social coitioig.

A the, eve whe we wat to eveal moeo oselves, may o s come stck becasewe ot kow the wos o what we aeeelig isie.

This execise helps yo evelop yo emotioalvocablay. Thee ae hes o wos toescibe eeligs, a most o them ae elateto oe o these ve pimay emotios:

Fea

Age

Saess

Happiess

Cosio

ExErcisEI each o the shapes ovelea, thee is apimay emotio. Look back at some o yolie expeieces a thik o wos to escibethe eeligs yo emembe havig. Fi asmay ieet wos as yo ca, a witethem i the shape yo eel they belog i.

I yo thik a wo belogs i moe tha oeshape, pt it i both. Keep goig til yo catthik o ay moe wos to escibe the eeligs

yo have expeiece.


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Fea

Ae


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happiness

sade

cf


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comotable with. People seem to espo ioe o two ways whe they expeiece pail ocomotable eeligs. They eithe ways toavoi o istact themselves om the eeligs othey ways to eel a expess them. Thees atime a place o both sots o espose eithe

o them is wog.

Hee ae some examples o these two ieetesposes:

now thik abot these qestios:

Ae some o yo shapes moe ll tha othes?

Ae thee emotios yo ae vey se to eelig?

Ae thee ay yo aely eel?

I thees a shape yo have vey ew wos i,its woth thikig abot why that might be.What happes o yo whe this emotio copsp i elatioships?

How o yo eel abot how yo eel? Thisist as at a qestio as it may seem. Mosto s expeiece eeligs we acceptablei oselves as well as eeligs that make

s comotable o eve ashame.

Acceptig yosel meas beig able to eel OKabot yosel o matte what emotio yoeeelig. Its ba eogh to be eelig some stogo pail emotio bt the we ote make itwose by thikig that we sholt be eeligthis eelig, that its jst plai wog.

Look thogh the eelig wos yovewitte ow, a see which oes yo eelOK abot expeiecig a which oes yo ae

ExErcisELook agai at yo shapes a choose a eweeligs that yo ot ejoy expeiecig.usig the lists above, thik abot how yosally espo to these eeligs. Wite theeeligs a yo esposes i the box opposite.

AVOId Or dISTrACT:

Get k/stoe

Go shoppig

Comot eatGo to the ciema

Stom o i a h

Go ot lookig o sex

FEEL And EXPrESS:

Talk to a ie

Have a goo cy

Wite it all owSee a cosello

Have a (costctive) ow

Let o steam o a pch

bag o pillow


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I yo that yo have a teecy to se avoiace o

istactio i espose to iclt o pail eeligs, thechaces ae that those eeligs ote hag ao. Oceyo avoiace stategy is ove, yo ae ight back eeligwhat yo wee eelig to stat with. I this happes to yo,its woth cosieig how yo ca expess the eeligs.Some eeligs will simply ot be esolve til yo o.

suck it & sEEnext time yoe eelig somethig comotable ayo otice that yoe begiig to istact yosel,stop! Istea, ty somethig om the Feel aExpess colm a see what happes.

PAinFulFEElings myrEsPonsE


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Have yo eve ha the expeiece o beig i a elatioshipwith someoe a eelig like yoe ot o toch withyosel? People escibe this expeiece i ieet ways:I it kow what I thoght ay moe o I gave peveythig o him a ow I ot eve kow what I wat.

Whicheve way yo look at it, the poblem is sally thatyoe ot listeig to yosel.

Fily eogh, beig i a healthy elatioship with aothepeso emas that yo keep yo attetio o yoelatioship with yosel. This meas eglaly stayig itoch with who yo ae, what yoe eelig a what yowat o yosel. Whe yo o this, thees a mch bette

chace that yoll ejoy yo elatioships.

ExErcisEFi a qiet, comotable place whee yo wot beitepte o 15 mites. Close yo eyes i it helps yococetate. With yo mis eye, stat lookig aoisie yo boy. notice all the ieet sesatios. Wheeis yo boy tese, elaxe, eegetic, tie, fexible, sti?

Take time to ocs o each iivial pat o yo boy aswell as o the way it eels oveall.

now wite ow, i the boy box ovelea, whateve yoiscovee. dot qestio what yo . This execise is abotlisteig to yo boy, expeiecig a acceptig it as it is.


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hEArtnow elax agai a cocetate o yo heat.Spe a ew mites qietly oticig how yoae eelig emotioally ight ow. Agai, ot

qestio. Yo task is to liste to whats goigo i yo heat a to accept the eeligs yo. Thee may be oe omiat eelig, oseveal ieet layes o moe sbtle eeligsgoig o at the same time. Whateve they ae,wite them i the heat box.

relax agai a move o to yo mi. notice

yo thoghts, withot gettig caght p ithem. Fo example, is yo mi calm o bsy,lethagic, speey, elaxe, clea o complicatetoay? Whateve yo , jst accept it. no eeto jge o ty to chage it. Whe yoe eay,wite whateve yo o i the mi box.

boDy


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FormysElF

Fially, take some eep beaths a elax oce

moe. This time, ocs o the qestio whato I wat o mysel? dot thik too haa ot ceso yo ieas, jst let thembbble p, om yo boy a heat as wellas yo mi. Whe yoe eay, wite yoieas i the o mysel box.

Well oe. Yove take a step towaseepeig yo elatioship with yosel. Yoca shae what yove leae with yo pateo a ie, a togethe evelop a elatioship

that gives yo moe o what yo wat.

suck it AnD sEEdo this execise oce a week o a while. noticehow it ca help yo eel cleae abot what yoae thikig, eelig a watig.

minD


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DiFFE

rEntw

Ays

oFloving


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How o yo like to be love? This may seem a stage qestio, bt thee ae lots o ieet ways togive a eceive love a aectio. This execise helps yo ietiy the ways that wok best o yo.

ExErcisEThik back thogh yo lie a ty to emembe the times whe someoe mae yo eel love o caeo. Thik abot what they i that mae yo eel that way. Icle eve the small thigs. now wite ve

thigs that make yo eel love o cae o i the lies below. I yo cat emembe eelig love ocae o by ayoe, jot ow thigs yowould likeothes to o that wol eel caig o lovig to yo.

I eel love o cae o whe someoe:

I his book The Five Love Languages,Gay Chapma ieties ve ieet ways that people give aeceive aectio. These ae:

Speig qality time

Givig a eceivig gits

Lovig wos

Physical aectio

Pactical help

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.


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Which o Chapmas categoies o yo examplest ito? do yo have moe i oe categoy thathe othes, o is thee a eve spea? Have yoivete a whole ew categoy?

Most people have peeeces o how they liketo be love o cae o. Some people like physicalaectio, while othes pee shaig qality timeo lovig covesatios. Its sel to ot howyo like to be love a the let people close toyo kow.

This is paticlaly te becase most o s te toshow o love o othes i the ways we like to be

love oselves, ot ealisig that thee ae otheways o lovig that they might pee.

ExErcisECompae yo aswes with those o yopate o a close ie a the thik abotthe ways yo show cae a aectio to eachothe. do they geeally t with each o yo

peee styles, o ae yo givig him foweswhe he pee yo to x his bike?

Its OK to be ieet. I act, its ievitable thatyoll have ieet likes a islikes its all

pat o beig i a elatioship with someoe. Btto get the best ot o a elatioship, yo ee to tellhim what yo wat what yo eally, eally wat.Most o s ot let othe people kow how we liketo be love. Those ol omatic myths say that a telove shol jst kow. How? By eaig yo mi?

Theapist Staley Kelema ees love as thewilligess to ecate someoe abot all o whoyo ae a what yo wat. Shaig this execisewith a ie o pate is the begiig o lettigthem kow what woks o yo. Oce they havethis iomatio, theye i a bette positio toshow aectio to yo i a way that yoll eally

appeciate. A vice vesa, o cose.

Take the iomatio yo get om this execise asa gie a expeimet with it. Make a ote o themai ways yo pate o ie likes to be lovea see what yo ca o to love o show aectioto him i those ways.

suck it & sEELook back at the ve ways o lovig. I thee aeay that yo aely o eve se, ty showig someaectio to yo ies o pate i these ways.Atewas, check ot how it was o them.


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Someoe oce sai that itimacy shol be witteito-me-see, becase thats what its eally abot lettig someoe see isie yo.

Fieships a elatioships ca ctio at ieet levels.

Some ca happe mostly o the sace yo have a laghtogethe, bt ot get vey pesoal with each othe. Iothes, yo might have a eepe coectio a shae yoiemost thoghts.

Some people it easy to elate o these ieet levels,while othes ca the moe itimate level amiliaa challegig. It epes o what yo have bee se

to i yo amily a i yo elatioships a ieships.

Gettig pesoal with othes ca be paticlaly challegigo gay me. May o s leae to hie what we weeeelig isie whe we wee gowig p, becase it wasageos to let people kow abot o sexality. Yetmay o s wat to evelop itimate elatioships withothe me, a eel close to them. This meas goig

agaist what might eel istictive. It meas opeig pwhe we may be moe se to closig o.

This sectio itoces ways to eepe how yo listea talk to the people yo wat to be close to.


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Jst as thee ae ieet levels o elatig, sothee ae ieet levels o listeig. We sesocial listeig whe wee ot with mates ia pb, o istace. I this type o sitatio, weae ote moe cocee with what o ow

ext commet is goig to be tha with eallylisteig. Active listeig, o the othe ha,is cocetate listeig that is se to eablea eepe level o commicatio. It eqiesmoe eot, is ot always easy o atal atst a takes pactice to evelop.

So what ae the ieeces i a covesatiowhe social o active listeig is se?

I a social sitatio:

Covesatio is a ee-o-all topics

may chage qickly

Pases ae lle qickly

Attetio is ot ocse o oe peso

People ote say the same thig happee to

me a move the covesatio oto themselvesdeepe emotios o eeligs ae aely eveale.

By cotast, whe people ae sig active listeig:

The listee cocetates o the speake, takig

i what is beig sai

The listee shows that he is keepig the ocs o

the othe peso, thogh wam a ecoagig

acial expessios a boy lagage

The listee oest itept the speake

The listee asks ope qestios sch as how

i yo eel abot that? o what happeeext? to eable the speake to expa o

thei thoghts

The listee oly oes avice i the speake

asks o it.

ExErcisEAsk yo pate o a ie to pactise active

listeig with yo. Sit ow acig each othe.Oe o yo stats a covesatio, with jst a ewseteces. The othe listes withot commetig,a the smmaises what he has jst hea. Thespeake coects aythig the listee got wogo let ot. The yo swap oles the st listeebecomes the speake a makes his cotibtio tothe covesatio while the othe listes a the

smmaises, a so o.

notice how it eels to eally liste caellyto someoe. How accate wee yo i yosmmaisig? di yo miss thigs ot?What ca yo lea om this?

lis

tEnto

him


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suck it AnD sEEOve the ext week, tyactive listeig i a ewieet sitatios.remembe to eally

ocs o the speakea what theyesayig o a ewmites beoe yoespo. Ty ot tojge what theyesayig as ight owog. Whe yoo espo, keep

the ocs o thema what they jst sai.notice how this aectsyo covesatios.


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t

Alkto

him


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usig this stcte might eel cotive at st, bt i yo pactise a yo ow way o sig theomla, it ca become pat o yo eveyay way o commicatig.

Look at the ollowig examples o the assetive commicatio omla i actio, cotaste withexamples o assetive commicatio. Ty to imagie how it wol eel to hea each o thecommets. Which wol yo easie to hea a espo opely to?

Whe yo wat to big somethig p with someoe, choose yo momet to let him o he kowthees somethig yo like to talk abot. Sggest a time a place a see i that ts with them.I it oest, ask them to sggest a goo time a see i yo ca go with that. Yo might have towait a bit loge, bt yoll pobably have a moe poctive covesatio.

AssErtivE communicAtion unAssErtivE communicAtion

Whe yo stat eatig my chips, I eel iitate.I like yo to by yo ow chips, o at least askme beoe yo stat o mie.

Oi! Get o, yo geey pig! By yo owbleeig chips!

Whe yo tol me that yo wee HIV-positive,I elt shocke a scae, to be hoest. I likesome time to esta what it meas o s.

Yo col have tol me this whe we ststate seeig each othe!

Whe we wet away togethe last weeke,I elt happy a excite at the iea that wemight be gettig moe seios. I like to kowhow yoe eelig abot o elatioship.

So ae we a item ow, o what?

i i i l ll l i hi bl b i k bi i


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now yo have yo pla. Ty the omla ot a ew times, a the pactise with a ie i yowat to bil p yo coece beoeha.

suck it AnD sEEPactise the Whe yo I eel I wol like omla i eveyay covesatio, with yo ies,

at wok o college, i the y cleaes etc. Expeimet with ieet ways o sig it, til itbecomes a atal pat o yo way o talkig.

*note: dot pt the wo that o yo ate I eel i yo setece. I yo o, yo stee yoselaway om expessig a eelig a towas expessig a view o belie abot the othe peso.

Assetive commicatio wot solve all yo elatioship poblems, bt it ca make a big ieece.As yo ca see om the examples, yo ot have to keep to the omla igily. remembe, the mostimpotat thig is that yo eveal yo eeligs.

ExErcisEThik o a isse that yo wol like to big p i a cet ieship o elatioship. To pepae

o the covesatio, se the omla to complete the thee seteces below. Ty to keep eachsetece shot a to the poit.

WHEn YOu:

I FEEL (Or FELT)*:

I WOuLd LIKE:

1.

2.

3.


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Its vey commo o people to make assmptios abot whataothe pesos behavio meas. We all o it, all the time o example, i someoe ails to et yo eye cotacti a ba, yo might assme he oest acy yo. This is aeasoable assmptio, bt it might ot be a accate oe.He might jst be shy, o istace.

A lot o misestaigs ca happe i ieships aelatioships whe we make assmptios.

Oe way o escibig how this happes is to say that we mixp the acts o a sitatio with the fction we a to it. By acts,we mea what actally happes that which ca be see ohea. By ctio, we mea the itepetatio we a. Hees a

example o how this ca happe:

Ja a Steve have bee togethe abot a yea. Oe eveigthey have a mio tssle abot whethe to go ot to a clb ostay i a watch a lm. Ja, who ha sggeste goig ot,gives i withot mch o a ght a agees to stay i. Thehe goes to the kitche withot sayig why, a stays theeo what seems to Steve a pligly log time.

Steve stats to imagie what is goig o isie Jas hea,base o his actios. He thiks Ja is pobably stayig ithe kitche becase he eally wate to go ot a isow pisse o. A somewhee eep isie himsel,Steve eels gilty o ocig what he wats oto Ja.


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Jst as the lm is statig, Ja comes back i with two cps o tea asome chocolate cake, a sits ow to watch. Steve oest kow

what to make o this at st it oest seem to t with what heimagie was goig o. He ecies that Ja mst be coveig p hisesetmet. Hes absoltely se that Ja is pisse o with him, bt

he oest ask him abot it otight becase he oest wat to stat

a ow. They stat watchig the lm, bt Steve eve eally settles itoit becase hes waitig o Ja to have a go at him. Ja is getig a

bit, a Steve imagies this to mea that hes smoleig isie.

Evetally, he cat sta it ay moe. He blts ot,What iswog with yo? Ae yo jst pishig me o watig to

stay i? Ja is astoishe. Hes aleay ogotte theiisageemet. His spise is so obviosly geie

that Steve ealises hes bee wog. I sotig otthe misestaig, Steve eveals his eas

a his gilty eelig, a Ja explais to Stevethat he eally it mi, o this occasio.

Shaig thei eeligs i this way eslts i themeelig close tha they have o a while. They

e p havig a goo lagh a the

ejoyig the best sex theyve ha i ages.

Its atal o s to make assmptios, to makesese o what we expeiece. The toble is that

o assmptios ca seem like acts to s, athe we ca eel ht, agy o comotable.


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B l l t th ibl ti t l i th


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Below ae a cople o evets a thee possible assmptios to explai them.

Yo boyie ts ove i be, a his back is acig yo, becasea) He is aoye with yo.b) He sleeps bette that way.c) He wats a cle a this is his avoite positio.

Yo boss cogatlates yo o a job well oe, becasea) She thiks yove oe a goo job.b) Shes bee o a maagemet taiig cose ecetly.c) She wats yo to chage yo holiay to sit he bette.

Which o these assmptios o yo thik yo wol go oi these sitatios? Yo choices might tell yo somethig

abot yosel i elatioships. Ae yo most likely to opt oa positive o a egative itepetatio o someoes behavio?do yo come om a moe tstig o moe sspicios statigpoit i elatioships?

Whateve yo atal teecies, yo ca make a ieece to theway yo make assmptios jst by beig ope to the iea that theeae always a mbe o possible explaatios o othe peoples actios.

ExErcisEOpposite ae two moe evets that ae ope to itepetatio(a misitepetatio!). Thik o thee possible explaatioso each evet, a ty to stetch yo istictive way othikig, so yo have a boa age o possibilities.

Y i t t ll th b


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a)

c)

b)

Yo ie oest et yo call o thee ays, becase

Yo ovehea colleages aagig to meet p late a yohavet bee ivite, becase

suck it AnD sEEnext time yo make a assmptio abot yo pate oa ie that makes yo eel ba, ot go o i a h check it ot. Tell them what yo otice happe a whatyo thoght it meat, a ask them what was goig o

o them. The wost that col happe is that yo iscoveyo wee ight a the at least yo ca talk abot itwith them. Moe likely, yoll iscove yo wee way o themak, like Steve i with Ja.

a)

c)

b)


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May o s hol the iea that te loveo eep ieship will mea a peect twith o love o close ies. Bt hmaelatioships ae a bit moe complicatetha that.

relatioships te to go well wheyo both wat the same thigs. Wheieeces stat to emege, it ca casestess a axiety. Eve i its jst abotwhat to o o Satay ight, itsspisig how tese it ca sometimes get.

Pactisig maagig ieeces ovesmalle thigs i a elatioship helpsyo lea how to eal with the biggeieeces whe they come alog oexample, livig togethe o ot, moogamyo o-moogamy, how mch time yospe with each othes elatives.

This sectio povies some ieas abot howto esta a maage ieeces acofict i elatioships.

Oe commo yamic i elatioships cocess do yo te to have a xe ole o o yo


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Oe commo yamic i elatioships coceshow mch time yo spe togethe as a coplea how mch time yo spe apat. Geeally,oe pate i a elatioship wats moe cotact,while the othe wats moe time apat.

The pate who geeally wats cotact cabe calle a Tigge, ate the bocy, -lovig,extovet chaacte i Winnie the Pooh. Tiggesae sally p o cotact, talkig, sex, goig ottogethe, stayig i togethe

The othe pate ca be calle a Totoise hisisticts ae moe towas withawal. Totoises

elish time o thei ow. They eel comotableeep isie thei shells, a while they ca ejoycomig ot to play, sometimes it ca eel like aoeal o these moe itovete types.

I some elatioships thees a clea ivie oepeso is moe o a Tigge a the othe moeo a Totoise. I othe elatioships, the patesmove betwee the two oles at ieet times,a ao ieet types o cotact, e.g. sex,socialisig, itimate covesatios etc.

Ae yo moe like a Totoise o a Tigge i yo

cet elatioships?

tig

gErs&

torto

isEs do yo te to have a xe ole o o yomove betwee them at ieet times, ao

ieet activities, o with ieet pates?do yo ecogise this yamic i the elatioshipso yo ies o yo amily?

Eve whe two people have both bee Tiggesi thei pevios elatioships, whe they gettogethe, oe o them will ievitably shit tobecome moe o a Totoise.

The costctive way to hale these ieecesi hythm is to lea how to maage yo eeligswhe yo pate oest wat what yo wat

a how to bil a ialoge with him. This meastalkig opely a costctively abot yoeeligs a what yo wat, a beig willigto hea the same om yo pate.

Whe yo ways to talk abot yo ieeces,yo ote eel close to yo pate eve wheyo ot get yo ow way. Feelig estoo

a accepte by each othe is a geat git i aelatioship, a ote becomes moe impotattha tyig to get yo ow way.

Ovelea ae some moe sggestios o how to othe Tigge-Totoise ace sccesslly.


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Do sometimes wait o him to ask o cotact,iitiate sex o sggest oig somethig togethe. It may

take loge tha yo thik it shol, bt who is to say how

log it shol take?

Do cotai yosel sometimes whe all yo wat to o is boce all ovehim. Tell him how yo eel, bt hol yosel still o away om him sometimes,

til hes eay to joi i.

Do make se yo have othe people a places i yo lie whee yo ca get

satisyig kis o cotact whe yo pate ist available.

Do te yo ow ie Totoise (hes i thee somewhee!) yo esie oqiet time, efectio a solite.

Dont shot at him to get him to come ot o his shell.

Dont ask o cotact less yoe willig to hea a o thaks.

Dont stop beig a Tigge i tyig to get all this ight.

Hes pobably with yo becase yo ae a Tigge.

iF you ArE A tiggErin A rElAtionshiP with A tortoisE:


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Do wok ot what time a space yo ee o yosel a make

se yo get it the yo will ejoy, athe tha eset, speig time

with yo pate.

Do take the iitiative a sggest oig thigs thatyou wol like to o togethe.

Do let him kow whe yoe eelig lovig a appeciative towas him hes

pobably ot a mi eae.

Do te yo ow ie Tigge (hes i thee somewhee!) yo esie o play

a eisty cotact.

Dont agee to thigs yo ot wat to o yoll oly become esetl.

Dont say o to cotact with him jst ot

o habit.

Dont stop beig a Totoise i tyig to

get all this ight. Hes pobably with yobecase yo ae a Totoise.

suck it & sEE

Withot sayig aythig, swap oles

o a ay with yo boyie o a closeie. I yoe a Tigge, become a Totoise

o the ay, a vice vesa. notice the

ieece it makes to yo iteactios.

iF you ArE A tortoisE in A rElAtionshiP with A tiggEr:


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Whe moe seios ieeces emege i use these qestios to help yo emembe:


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ieships a elatioships, we ee to kowhow to tackle them i a way that is costctive,athe tha estctive.

Fit Pels, the amos psychologist, sai that

wheeve thee is lie thee will be cofict.He ecogise that cofict is a ievitablepat o livig elatioships, a was moecocee abot elatioships that ha ocofict he qestioe how alive theseelatioships actally wee!

So istea o askig, Why is thee cofict

i my elatioship? its moe sel to ocsyo eegy o How ca I eal with coficti my elatioship costctively?

ExErcisEWe lea a lot o o elatioship skills aswee gowig p, paticlaly om o owamily. Spe ve mites jottig ow someo yo memoies abot how yo amily ealtwith cofict a ieece whe yo weegowig p.

q p y

Wee ieeces iscsse opely a

ecisios geeally mae aily?

Wee thee a lot o agy agmets

a shotig?

di oe peso geeally get thei way?I so, how i they achieve this?

di yo amily avoi talkig abot iclt

isses, so as ot to pset ayoe?

Was it possible o yo to say how yo elt

abot thigs, o i yo have to keep yo

eeligs to yosel?

howPEoPlEinmy

FAmilyDEAltwithconFlict

now look at these thee styles o maagig EnGAGE


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cofict a see i ay o them escibe whathappee i yo amily.

FIGHTThis style ivolves stog a sometimes

aggessive ways o ealig with cofict. It ischaacteise by agmets a lots o ama,a sometimes icles theats o violece oactal violece. As the wo ght sggests,whe someoe maages cofict i this way it caeel a bit like goig to wa. usig this style caleave othe people eelig ightee a bllie.

FLIGHTThis style ivolves avoiace o cofict. Peoplewho se this style te to sppess what theywat i oe to keep the peace a otock the boat. The eslt is sally that apowel peso gets thei way, withotmch agmet. This style ca also iclecompomisig, bt ote the compomise aiveat oest eally give eveyoe what they wat.People who se this style ae ote let eeligagy a esetl, bt aai to expess this.

This is the assetive style. Whe people egage,they liste to each othe a ty to eachageemet. Eveyoe ivolve is able to say howthey eel abot a sitatio a what they like tohappe. The aim is to a wi/wi soltio to the

cofict, whee eveyoe eels hea a ivolveby the e o it.

At its best, this style eslts i the ieet patieswokig ot a soltio to the cofict that esposto eveyoes ees a wats. It ca take time,a its ot always possible to aive at a peectsoltio. Bt whe yo pt the time a eegy i,

it ca help yo eel estoo by a emotioallyclose to the othe people ivolve eve wheyo ot get yo ow way.

ExErcisErea the statemets opposite a the eciewhich o the styles o maagig cofict eachoe epesets. Mak each oe eithe Fight,Flight o Egage.


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Leaig how to egage with cofict a beti i i t i i

now thik o a cofict yove bee ivolve itl I thi b b i f ib th fi t


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ceative i ig ways to maage ieeces ishelpl o eepeig elatioships. Whe yo othis, the eslt will sally be somethig that allpaties ca agee to, eve i it was ot what theyoigially wate.

Fo may o s, leaig to egage i this wayca be iclt, as its ote qite ieet omhow cofict a isageemet wee ealt withby o paets a othe people who haveifece s. Some o the skills yove beeitoce to hee ca help yo egageeectively o example, active listeig

(see page 28) a assetive commicatio(see page 31).

suck it AnD sEEIstea o takig a wi-lose miset itocoficts o ieeces a teatig them likea battle that yoe eithe goig to wi o lose,ty switchig to a wi-wi miset. This measstatig om the assmptio that eve thoghthees a ieece o a cofict, thees also asoltio that all paties col be happy with.This ivolves sig yo ceativity a thikigotsie the box sometimes, bt a wi-wi soltiois ot thee somewhee!

Fight stAtEmEnt

ecetly. I this box, biefy escibe the cofict.

I the boxes below, expess yo poit o viewi the cofict sig each o the thee styles.

Flight stAtEmEnt

EngAgE stAtEmEnt


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Family theapist Vigiia Sati evise thedaily Tempeate reaig (dTr) Its a geat

APPrECIATIOnSWe all ee to be ecogise a to kow


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daily Tempeate reaig (dTr). It s a geattool o shaig iomatio a bilig closeelatioships with yo ies o love. It helpsyo aise isses beoe they evelop ito majopoblems, a ca pevet mio isageemets

escalatig ito ll-blow ows. The mai aim othe dTr is to evelop ope commicatio akeep iomatio fowig.

Althogh its calle a daily Tempeate reaig,yo ot have to o it evey ay o it to be sel.Bt it is woth oig a dTr o a egla basis o awhile, to see the impact it has o yo elatioship.

It ca be eassig to kow that thee is a timea place to ai isses whe eithe o yo ees to.

HOW TO uSE THE dTr:Set asie some time (20-30 mites) with yoie o pate. Make se yo wot be itepte.Takig it i ts, wok thogh the ve topicsbelow, with both o yo speakig o each oebeoe movig o to the ext.

We all ee to be ecogise a to kowwhats goo abot s. Heaig what peoplelike a vale abot s is a impotat pato maitaiig sel-esteem. A may o see to pactise eceivig appeciatios glaly

a gacelly istea o ismissig o igoigthem. The appeciatio shol be jst eceive,a ot iscsse.I eally appeciate the way yo bothe toemembe all the goigs-o i my amily.

nEW InFOrMATIOnOte, poblems i elatioships aise becase

we ot have eogh iomatio to estawhats goig o. This leaves oom o assmptiosto be mae. This topic epesets a oppotityto keep yo ie o pate p to ate withyo lie, om seemigly tivial mattes to moeimpotat coces. The ew iomatio sholot be iscsse ig the dTr, jst eveale.My mm ag. She wats to come a staythis weeke.

PuzzLESLack o iomatio misestaigs a

Whe Yo I eel I wol like omlao Page 31 Thee is o gaatee that yo


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Lack o iomatio, misestaigs aassmptios ot help elatioships. This isa oppotity to ask o claicatio abotthigs yo ae cios o cose abot. Ithis sectio, shot esposes ca be give by

the listee, bt loge ialoge shol beavoie; it ca cotie atewas i ee be.Yo keep eeig to the pesetatio yoeoig tomoow ae yo woie abot it?

COMPLAInTS WITH rECOMMEndATIOnSThee will always be some ieeces a aeaso cofict i a elatioship. Some o these

pobably cat be chage. Bt othes might besolvable i yo ae willig to big them p aiscss them. This is a chace to aise somethigthat bothes yo a to sggest a way oesolvig it. This shol be commicate i aassetive mae, withot blame o jgemet.

Yo ca se this omat: Yo i this thigthat bothee me, a I pee it i yo wol

o this othe thig istea. O yo ca se the

o Page 31. Thee is o gaatee that yoecommeatio will be accepte, bt its a ststep towas aiig a ealig with somethigthat bothes yo.

Beig o the eceivig e o Complaits withrecommeatios ca be vey iclt, especiallyi yo thik lovig someoe meas eve telligthem what gets p yo ose! Bt the tth is thatitimacy a closeess ae ehace whe yosesitively let someoe kow whats botheig yo.I eel ailoae whe yo accept ivitatios oboth o s. I eally like yo to ask me st.

WISHES, HOPES And drEAMSO wishes, hopes a eams ae impotataspects o who we ae, a o qality o lieis ehace whe we ca shae them a woktowas thei ealisatio. Whe we shae themwith people close to s, thees moe chace that,togethe, we ca make them a eality.I like to spe Chistmas with yo a some o

o ies this yea.

dTr GrOund ruLES:

k i h


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Oe peso speaks at a time. Whe yo aespeakig, ty to be as clea a specic aspossible, athe tha beig vage o talkigi geealisatios.

The ppose o the dTr is to shae iomatio,ot sot it all ot. Yo ca pick p isses late.It ca be iclt to jst liste a ot espo,especially i yo ot agee with whats beigsai. Bt the payos o simply listeig to yopate ca be vey sigicat.

Smmo goowill, espect a cae o yo

ie o pate. I they aise somethig iclto yo i oe sectio, ot atomatically ty toget them back i aothe sectio.

SuCK IT And SEEdo a sexal dTr with yo love. Wok thogh the

ve topics, bt oly say thigs that elate to yosex lie. This might ope p avees yove eve

thoght o a impove yo sex lie o e!


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Chile ca teach s a lot abot leaig ewthigs. They lea thogh playig, expeimetig,

PEOPLE MAY rESIST YOuPeople ae se to yo beig a cetai way. Yo

it


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g y g p y g p gwoeig abot, a tyig thigs ot

Pactisig ieet ways o elatig oesthave to be a seios a solem aai. Have

expeimetig, a bea these poits i mi:

HABITS ArE HArd TO BrEAKWe all evelop habital ways o elatig topeople, as a eslt o o lie expeieces. Theseelatig habits ca become eeply igaie,a chagig them ist sally somethig yoca o oveight. It geeally takes a coceteeot to ecogise the habit, ty somethigieet a the ty, ty agai!

uSE EVErY MOMEnTLckily, thee ae so may oppotities to tysomethig ieet that yoll eve get stcki a t less yo choose to. Evey mometyo ae elatig to aothe peso yo have theoptio to beak ot o a otie o habit a

say o o somethig ew.

p y g yies, amily o love may have some ivestmeti yo stayig the same as yo always have bee.I ay social etwok, whe oe peso chageshow they behave, the etwok will sally esist

that chage a apply pesse o the pesoto et to the stats qo. I yo eally watsomethig to chage, yo will pobably have toie the comotable peio while people leahow to iteact with the ew yo.

PErSEVErETst that yo pate, ies a amily aecapable o elatig to yo i a ieet way. Stayope, wam, clea a assetive. That may eea little time, patiece a peseveace omyo. Thik abot ay eeback yo get, it colbe sel to yo. Bt it col jst be pesse togo back to yo ol sel. I it is, the getly btmly stick to yo gs.

IT WILL GET EASIEr

As with ay ew skill, at st yo may eel clmsya icapable. Slowly bt sely yo ca mastethese skills a stategies, til thee comes a aywhe yo o them atally withot evethikig abot them, jst like iig a bike.

goF

ori


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Yo ca o a lot o sel pesoal evelopmetwok o yo ow, with a pate o with yo l h h l l

happeig. S/he ca help yo estathe yamics o yo elatioship, give yoh k h l


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ies. May people, howeve, it helpl towok with a taie cosello o theapist whethey eally wat to get to gips with elatioshipisses. These ays, thees mch less o a taboo

abot gettig sppot. Ate all, its jst like siga tess taie o spots coach, bt o yopesoal a emotioal lie.

We se the wos cosellig a theapyitechageably hee, becase thee is o simple wayo eig the ieece. The wos come omieet appoaches, bt mea aily simila thigs.

WOrKInG AS An IndIVIduALYo ca wok as a iivial i oe-to-oecosellig, o by joiig a gop o oig aweeke wokshop. Ay o these will give yoa oppotity to efect o yosel a yobehavio i elatioships i a sae a espectleviomet, away om yo boyie o ies.

WOrKInG AS A COuPLEAlteatively, i yoe i a elatioship, yo cawok togethe with a coples cosello. Theavatage o this is that a cosello ca helpyo with yo iteactios while they ae actally

homewok assigmets a help yo pactiseew ways o elatig to each othe.

SEXuAL HEALTH COunSELLInG

Fo ee, shot-tem, iivial o coplecosellig o sex a elatioships isses,cotact PACE, HGLC, na o THT, each o whichoes sevices at ieet sites acoss Loo(see Listigs o cotact etails).

LOW-COST GEnErAL COunSELLInGPACE a a mbe o othe agecies i Loooe ee o low-cost geeal iivial a coplecosellig o LGBT people o low icomes.

PrIVATE COunSELLInG Or THErAPYThee ae may pivate cosellos a theapistsi Loo. I yo ae se how to choose oe,ty meetig a ew pactitioes. Ask them abothow they wok, a check that they have agay-iely appoach. Fo moe avice o

ig a theapist, visit:

www.pinktherapy.com (got to resoces/Choosig a Theapist)

www.bacp.co.uk/inormation/expect.html

BOOKS

LGB rELATIOnSHIP BOOKS

GEnErAL rELATIOnSHIP BOOKS

P i t M igs


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LGB rELATIOnSHIP BOOKS

Permanent Partners: Building Gay and LesbianRelationships That Last,

Betty Beo, Plme/Pegi Books

The Intimacy Dance: A Guide to Long-TermSuccess in Gay and Lesbian Relationships,Betty Beo, Plme Books

Mr. Right Is Out There: The Gay Mans Guideto Finding and Maintaining Love,Keeth Geoge, Alyso Pblicatios

Boyriend 101: A Gay Guys Guide to Dating,Romance, and Finding True Love,Jim Slliva, Villa Books

Afrmative Gay Relationships: Key Steps inFinding a Lie Partner,neil Kamisky, Haigto Pak Pess

Moving on: The Gay Mans Guide or CopingWhen a Relationship Ends,da Hael, Kesigto Books

Passionate Marriage,davi Schach, Owl Books

Resurrecting Sex: Solving Sexual Problems and

Revolutionizing Your Relationship,davi Schach, Qill

The Five Love Languages: How to ExpressHeartelt Commitment to Your Mate,Gay Chapma, nothel Pblishig

The Universal Heart,Stephaie dowick, Pegi Books

The Relationship Rescue Workbook: Exercises andSel-Tests to Help You Reconnect with Your Partner,Phillip C McGaw, Hypeio

The Sexual Male: Problems and Solutions,richa Milste, Jlia Slowiski, WW noto

BOOKSHOP

Gays the Wo, 66 Machmot Steet, Loo WC1.(www.gaysthewo.co.k) 020 7278 7654

list

ing

Counselling and Therapy agenCies

paCe ThT C l F


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paCewww.ct..k020 7700 1323

pk Twww.kt.cm020 7291 4480

Kwww.k..k020 7437 6063

sctmwww.ctmt.c.k020 8341 2277

WorKshops and groups

paCewww.ct..k

/wk020 7700 1323

ThT Cwww.tt..k020 7835 1495

nz pjct lwww.z..k020 8741 1879 / 07834 328 239

ab Ttwww.btt..k020 8767 1827

hgl C020 7835 1495

gMFawww.mtmt..k

( t wk & c)020 7738 6872et l ot pjct (elop)020 8509 3898

l Fwww.f..k020 7837 3337 (7:30 - 10m)

Mtwww.mt.c.k020 8571 2400

gtt Ctwww.ttct.c.k020 7613 4480

ew Ct Cmmt

www.wctcmmt..k0870 321 5121

GrOuPS & WOrKSHOPSPACE has povie wokshops a gops ogay me sice 1989 These wokshops aessc

E


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The Poject o Avocacy, Cosellig aEcatio (PACE) was establishe i 1985 iespose to a ee withi the lesbia a gaycommities o a cosellig a taiigagecy that was geiely esposive to theees o lesbias a gay me. Sice the,PACE has gow i sie a ow povies the

ollowig age o sevices:

Gops a wokshops o gay me

Sexal health cosellig o gay me

Geeal cosellig o lesbias, gay me

a bisexal people

Family Sppot Sevice

Metal health avocacy

LGBT yothwokTaiig o sta a ogaisatios o HIV,

sexality a ivesity

gay me sice 1989. These wokshops aesspsychological a emotioal actos cotibtigto gay mes sexal health, a ae acilitate ia elaxe, iely a paticipative style. The

wokshops exploe sel-esteem, commicatio,assetiveess, elatioships, sex a HIV.

SEXuAL HEALTH COunSELLInGThe gay mes sexal health cosellig sevice iso iivials a coples who wat to exploesexal health coces ove six sessios.

Fo iomatio abot ay o these sevices, ig020 7700 1323 o email: [email protected] visit www.pacehealth.og.k

ABOuT THE AuTHOrSTim Foskett is the Gopwok a TaiigMaage at PACE a a pactisig cosello,psychotheapist a gop psychotheapist(www.timosketttheapy.co.k). Ale Hst is

a gop a amily theapist a eelacecosltat. Tim a Ale have evelope thePACE Gopwok Pogamme togethe sice 1995.We wol welcome eeback abot this wokbook.Cotact s at: [email protected]

About

PAc

ACKnOWLEdGEMEnTSThe athos wol like to ackowlege:


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The cotibtios o the may hes o mewho have paticipate i PACE wokshops agops. We eeply appeciate what yo have ptito the wokshops yo qestios, thoghts,

hoesty a eeback have shape o wok amch o the mateial pesete i this wokbook.

The eomos commitmet thoghot thepoject o Caoly Patick, o eito. Caolyhas passioately maitaie the pace o thepoject, hel the oveview a mae mayceative sggestios to help s shape o st

attempts ito this eaable, iclsive a esoce.

desige rachel Black o the ispie apassioate way she has boght the wokbookto lie, a the est o Came & Isligto GayMes Team o thei help a sppot.

davi Sheto o his wise a witty catoos,a his fexible, itelliget a goo-ateappoach to makig them o s.

The Loo nHS Pimay Cae Tsts, which the Loo Gay Mes HIV PevetioPateship (LGMHPP), o which the Camea Isligto Gay Mes Team a the PACE

Gopwok Pogamme o gay a bisexalme ae pat. This ig has eable PACEto evelop a cosieable boy o theapeticwok a elive it to gay a bisexal mei Loo.

O taies a spevisos, o colleages atPACE a i LGMHPP a the sexal health el

geeally, o thei wisom, ecoagemet,eeback a sppot o bigig these ieasto a wie aiece.

Spectm, o thei pioeeig wok oelatioships a i paticla o itocigs to the dTr.

relates Togethercose o bigig the FiveLagages o Love to o attetio.

tExt: DisclAimEr:

gEtting whAt you wAnt Fedp ad reapPblishe by PACE a the Came a Isligto Gay Mes Team, 2006


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Tim Foskett a Ale Hst PACE 2006www.pacehealth.og.kwww.timosketttheapy.co.k

EDitor:Caoly Patick

DEsign:rachel Black

cArtoons: davi Sheto 2006www.avisheto.com

PhotogrAPhy:Mak Gle a rachel Black

PDF rE-working:Stawbey desigwww.stawbey-esig.co.k

The iomatio a execisesi this wokbook ae ottailoe to yo iivialcicmstaces a o otcostitte psychologicalavice to yo as a iivial.

I yo ae i obt abotthe sitability o yo oa execise o sggestio,we ecomme that yoseek poessioal avice.

moDEls:

All photogaphs pose bymoels. All moels ae age18 o ove. Thaks to all whotook pat.

Fo moe copies o this booklet oGetting Ready, cotact:[email protected] call 020 7530 3945no pat o this booklet may be epoce withot pemissio.

distibte ee i Loo by:

Getting What You Wantis the seco pesoal evelopmet wokbook o gay abisexal me poce by PACE i collaboatio with the Came a IsligtoGay Mes Team. The st, Getting Ready, is still available, a the execises it


66/66

Gay Me s Team. The st,Getting Ready, is still available, a the execises itcotais ae a goo goig o the execises hee (owlao a p vesio at:www.pacehealth.og.k/pblicatios). To get pite copies o eithewokbook, cotact [email protected] o ig 020 7530 3945.

Paise o Getting Ready:

...eally excellet. The cotet is geat by a the best Ive ea i a log time.d Sa Cmmigs, Feeomhealth

...a eally sel wokbook. The text is accessible... a yo wam toe ecoagesthe eae to ty ieet ways o thikig a elatig.domiic davies, Pik Theapy

counsEllingTalk to a cosello o p to 12 sessios o ayaspect o sex o sexality whethe yoe baew to it all o have bee ao the blockmoe times tha yo cae to emembe, talkigthigs thogh with someoe ca help. All theseagecies povie poessioal cosellig aosexal health.

PAcE 020 7700 1323nAZ 020 8741 1879

tht 020 7835 1495hglc 020 7407 3550

workshoPs AnD coursEsPACE a GMFA oe a pogamme owokshops a coses o sel-esteem,elatioships, assetiveess a sex. Talkig toothe gay me i a gop helps yo ealise thatyoe ot the oly oe ealig with a paticlaisse o poblem. The wokshops ae elaxe, ,iomative a by expeiece acilitatos.

PAcE 020 7700 1323gmFA 020 7738 6872/3712

getting what you want 08 hi res

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