fwm 2010 07 and 08

� FamilyWorks Magazine - July & August, �010 www.familyworks.org

July & August, 2010

APPLE FamilyWorks® 4 Joseph Court, San Rafael, CA 94903 email: [email protected]

Read FamilyWorks Magazine on-line at www.familyworks.org

Advertising Information: Doug Silberstein Phone: (415) 492-1022 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: [email protected]

Editorial Information: Lew Tremaine Phone: (415) 492-0720 x231 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: [email protected]: This major family magazine is published bi-monthly and widely distributed FREE throughout Marin and Sonoma Coun-ties: through home deliveries, distribution to over 200 community locations - stores, public and private schools, medical offices, hospitals, and family-related businesses – and direct mail to thousands of active participants and sponsors of FamilyWorks®. © 2010 APPLE FamilyWorks®, All rights reserved. APPLE FamilyWorks is a nonprofit agency serving families in the Bay Area. No portion of FamilyWorks Magazine may be reproduced without written permission of the publisher. Appearance of articles, editorials, author’s point of view, advertisements or announcements for products and services in FamilyWorks Magazine does not necessarily constitute an endorsement by FamilyWorks® and FamilyWorks® is not responsible for its content or the reactions of readers to its content. FamilyWorks Magazine reserves the right to refuse advertising for any reason. Unsolicited manuscripts and photographs are welcome and should e-mailed to: [email protected]

Executive Director: Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith

Editor: Lew Tremaine

Marketing: Doug Silberstein

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FamilyWorks® Board of Directors:Anjana Berde, President

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Mark Clark, Secretary

Amy Whitelaw

Vicky Smirnoff

3 Is Your Teen Driving Yet? By Don Staffin

6 Play is Serious Business By Patricia Saunders, MA, MFT

8 School Spotlight: New Principal for Our Lady of Loretto By Toni Basich

10 How to Pick the Best Dog for Your Family

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FamilyWorks Magazine is published by APPLE FamilyWorks®

APPLE FamilyWorks 11 Parenting Programs

12Counseling Programs

13 Family Interactive Therapy

14 Support for Individuals with Special Needs

16 ROYGBIV The Color of Health By Patty James

18 Cruelty Free Kids 12 Ways NOT to Raise a Bully By Dottie DeHart

4 How Not to Hate Your Vacation By Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith MA, RN, MFT

FamilyWorks Magazine - July & August, �010 �www.familyworks.org

I’m a creative soul. I’m not a penny pincher and I don’t live by a strict budget. However, feeling the economic squeeze, I’m now watching expenses and revaluing my dollars which I like to call new math for a down economy.

Three drivers licenses in one day? How does one deal with that? Liv-ing in The Garden of Estrogen - one male, five females - is challenging enough. Now I have to worry about The Garden going mobile.

Maybe I should do what my fa-ther did when my sister turned 17, and plan strategic business trips with the family car for about 6 months straight. “Sorry, Linda, you just can’t take the test next Wednesday. I’m going to be in Schenectady. Is that really the only available date for the next 9 weeks? Maybe we can schedule something next year.” My dad was brilliant.

I understand that most parents handle the driving dilemma by try-ing to teach their kids the basics - forward, reverse, parallel parking and the fact that the yellow light means “proceed with caution” and not “go very fast.” Frankly, I think this emphasis on parallel parking is misplaced. Who cares if the kid can

Is Your Teen Driving Yet?How To REALLY Test Your Teen’s Driving SkillsMy 13-year-old triplets are fond of reminding me that in about three years they will be driving. At times like these, I think perhaps electronic defibrillators should be standard issuewith children – especially multiples.

parallel park? All of the parking spaces at the mall (the destination of choice for teenagers) are head on, and all cars these days are equipped with 5 mph bumpers. Now they even come with rear-facing cameras.

I am far more concerned with how these aspiring drivers react to road situations at 25 mph moving forward than at 1 mph in reverse. If I were in charge of devising a truly relevant driving test for today’s 24/7 drive-through world, here is what I would require them to be able to do:

• Drive from home to school while 10 minutes late. Credit for not speeding.

• Successfully ignore ringing cell phone on passenger seat while driv-ing (and no one allowed to get a blue tooth until age 25).

• Change ring tones while wait-ing in line at the McDonald’s pick-up window. Then… resist eating

My daughters started doing this to me about five years ago. I remember the first time very clearly because I had the hiccups. All of the usual remedies had failed – holding my breath, drinking water, etc. My youngest (we have four daughters in total) tried to help by yelling “BOO!” in my face, and then wondered why I was neither startled nor cured. Finally, one of the triplets smiled sweetly and said, “Daddy, guess what - I’m going to have my driver’s license in eight years.”

Hiccups gone – instantly! continued on page 9

By Don Staffin


“ We hadn’t been away for three years and both Sean and I had been working 60 hour weeks. We wanted some special time together – just the two of us – but because we’d not spent much time with Ellie and Andrew, we planned a family camping vacation. What a disaster. Andrew wanted to do one thing and Ellie another. The bathroom was all the way across the campgrounds. Fun in the middle of the night with Ellie. I wanted to sleep in, linger over a cup of coffee under the redwoods. The kids were ready to go at sunrise. Between cook-ing under primative conditions, rocks under the mattress and the drinking and singing two tents over just when we put Ellie to bed – not so much fun. Sean and I got into fights over the “right way” to pitch a tent, start the campfire, etc. He said I was too uptight and shouldn’t be bothered by all the ants, mosquitos and dirt. I could hardly wait to get home into my own bed and kitchen. And the worst of it is that Sean thought it was fun and wants to do it again next year. Help!”

How can we avoid the pitfalls of ese families? How can we help make vaca-tions less exhausting and annoying? Let’s go a step further. What can we do to be able to come home and say, “I loved my vacation.” Rather than “I hated my vacation.”

Perhaps those who are not the primary vacation planner, events organizer, cook, or kid minder, don’t need a vacation af-ter the vacation. However, reading this article might be helpful in understanding the family member who does not seem enthusiastic on vacation, who is grumpy and irritable when you have returned home, and who does not look forward to another family vacation - ever.

Set Clear ExpectationsTalk with the family about where you

are going and what changes you expect. Find pictures of the new environment. Talk about the activities you are plan-ning. Ask other family members what they would most like to do. Check with your partner to be sure one another

“I pictured white sandy beaches, drinks with umbrellas, a luau feast, trips to waterfalls – you know tropical paradise. What did I get? Rain, wind and crying children. Can you believe we flew five hours, to be locked up in a space smaller than our family room? The internet said “fully equipped kitchen”. Well maybe for a bachelor. And “view of the beach” was from five blocks away across the main road. What topped it off was our son’s 104 fever and barking cough, which kept us up three nights and kept us from going to the luau. Some paradise.”

You know the old saying, “I need a vacation torecover from my vacation.” Well, when traveling with children you need a vacation afterward that is twice as long as the original one.

by Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, RN, PHN, MA, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist specializing in couples, parenting and co-parenting concerns. She is a renowned family educator. Learn more great parenting skills in her Positive & Peaceful Parenting class. Call (415) 492-0720 to sign up or make an appointment for counseling services.


not worthy of your full attention. Bring a board game for the family to play, a brand new toy or activity book for each child for the first day as they are getting settled. Try to avoid “shoulds” and “oughts” whenever possible. If the kids eat cereal three times a day for a week, they will still continue to grow to adulthood.

Know That Less is More Too many suitcases, two many cit-

ies or countries, too many activities, too many expectations, too much sun, too much alcohol, too much expense, may result in a vacation you hate. So simplify. No matter where you go, you bring yourself. Vacations are not a geographical cure for what ails you or your family. But they can be a wonder-ful break from repetition and bring new experiences to family members. Perhaps your next vacation will be the one you love. Go for it.

knows the tasks involved. Is our plan too rigorous? New situations can be exciting for some, but for others a new room, bed, kitchen are unnerving. Many people do not sleep well for the first three nights of their vacation. Some people just can’t sleep in a different bed let alone on the ground. Plan the meals in advance and bring your food.

Stores may not be close by for gro-ceries or fishing tackle or bait. Bring 4 – three ounce sunscreen bottles, so each parent has one at all times and they are packed away in beach gear too.

Be Willing to CompromiseNo vacation will please each person

all the time. Some who hate to sit still will hate a long car drive or plane flight. Those who are sun sensitive and hate the heat will be miserable without other options. Outgoing children will want a peer to play with. Quiet folks want their own space to rest or unwind.

Look at Pace and TimingVacations can be fun when we plan

ahead and don’t jam too much activity into one day or week. When kids are told there will be rest and down time, everyone can plan ahead for quiet time, bringing books, toys, electronics as nec-essary. At the same time limit TV and electronics to specific places and times, so kids are not missing out on the new activities and surroundings.

Each person has their own pace and rhythm. Who in your family wants to sleep late and be inactive, lying about reading a book? Who jumps out of bed at sunrise and wants to get on the move? Do you need rest days after a very active day? Who in the family can’t manage without regular snacks and meals? Are the parents willing to share chores and spell one another? Plan to return home at least one day before going back to work or school. You’ll need it just to get settled, get groceries, do the wash and adjust to the time zone.

Prepare for ProblemsHow much freedom is possible on

your trip? Are their hazards that mean you have to watch the kids every sec-ond? Is your First Aid Kit filled with all the necessities?

If adults go to separate locations, be specific where and when you will meet up again. Kids should always have an adult with them. Agree to stay put and wait at the agreed upon location. (When each person wanders, no one is found.) Bring your cell phones so you can find one another and get an inexpensive waterproof watch to wear, to stay on time and set an alarm if need be. Know where the security folks are, the nearest hospital etc. It sounds silly, but is amaz-ingly helpful in a crisis.

Keep Within BudgetThe best vacation is ruined if you are

burdened all year long with the bills. Consider a staycation (vacationing at home). There are a lot of great daytrips in the Bay Area.

Set a limit on spending money for each child and stick with it. Let the older ones keep track in a little check book what they have to spend, and subtract expenses each time some item is purchased. This cuts down on the whining.

Think Desires and DevelopmentThe ages of the family members will

help determine what choices are best. Can you go where there are activities for each stage of development? Are there childcare people so Mom and Dad can get out alone? Can you consider bring-ing a friend for your children, or go with another family (to trade off childcare), or bring an older teen to watch the children?

Plan to be Present and PlayfulBringing the brief case and laptop is

a bummer. While it is very tempting to “bring a little work along”, it sends the message to the family that they are

Vacations can be fun when we plan ahead and don’t jam too much activity into one day or week. When kids are told there will be rest and down time, everyone can plan ahead for quiet time, bringing books, toys, electronics as necessary. At the same time limit TV and electronics to specific places and times, so kids are not missing out on the new activities and surroundings.


Play contributes to a child’s ability to:

Build a positive sense of self

Increase creativity

Make productive choices

Experience and manage disappointments.

Regulate emotions

Establish relationships

Build empathy

Improve concentration

Increase physical coordination

Different types of play serve different developmental needs and each contrib-utes to building an integrated brain:

Creative/Imaginative PlayThis type of play is an essential means

of encouraging your child to experiment and explore the world around him/her.

An extension of creative play, called imaginative play, is what we commonly call “make believe” and is key to letting the child experience new ways of being. Creative play includes such things as painting, playing with clay, dress-up, playing house, putting on a puppet show, or making up a story.

Physical PlayThere is a powerful link between

stimulating activity and brain develop-ment and physical play allows children to develop their large muscles and co-ordinate their whole body. This type of play includes things like playing ball, roller-skating, jumping rope, climbing structures, etc. This also includes build-ing small muscles by using tools in play, such as cutting with scissors or stringing beads. Routine and pleasurable physi-cal activity in childhood contributes positively to a positive attitude toward exercise in adulthood.

Patricia Saunders, MA, MFT

A recent report from the American Academy of Pediatrics entitled, “The Importance of Play in Promoting Healthy Child Development and Maintaining Strong Parent-Child Bonds,” stated that, “Play is so important to optimal child development that it has been recognized by the United Nations High Commission for Human Rights as a right of every child.” So, why do professionals in child development feel so strongly about play? Let’s take a look at what play has to offer.

“One of the things that I value most is that play greatly improves the parent’s and child’s ability to talk to each other.”


Social/Language PlayInteracting with others in play helps

children learn social rules and the fine art of negotiation. This includes team-ing up to play ball games, setting up rules for a game, and deciding who will play what part in dramatic play. Playing name games, singing, and reciting jump-rope rhymes are good examples of these kinds of activities, which also includes games that begin to teach the importance of following rules – games like Follow the Leader, Red Light/Green Light, Simon Says, baseball and soccer, none of which can be played successfully without following rules. Through this type of play, a child can be gently eased into accepting that life has rules (laws) that we all must follow.

Constructive/Manipulative PlayIn this type of play, children use

materials to achieve a specific goal that requires transforming objects into something new. Constructive play can involve a variety of activities, includ-

ing stacking, rearranging, combin-ing, taking things apart, and molding. The child may build a tower out of blocks, a plane out of clay, or rearrange train tracks to see what new things happens with the train. This type of play can also set the stage for being good at manipulating other things, like words, ideas, math problems, and more complex concepts.

So, how can you encourage and participate in play:

Make Time for Free-Play“I’m bored!” “I have nothing to

do.” Ever hear your kids say that? Often this is the result of parents over-scheduling their kid’s activities, which can result in children depending on parents to plan all their play. While I think it is important to build some structure to ensure that kids get enough exercise, too much parental control of play discourages self-direction. Kids in this situation often turn to over-use of TV or video games because they haven’t had the responsibility (or freedom) to figure out how to make their own play plans.

Encourage Solitary PlaySometimes we feel that we must always

be involved in play, however, children re-ally benefit from playing alone. Solitary play helps them learn that they don’t need the actions or words of others to have fun and gives them free reign to do it their way – without the watchful eye other friends or their parents.

Let the kids be in charge of play: Giv-ing children the lead when playing says that you like the way they handle things, and you can get some wonderful insight into their world. Watch out for being overly stuck on the rules or on making

continued on page 22

Patricia Saunders, MA, MFT is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist specializing in families, parenting, and co-parenting.

She is the Director of Therapeutic Programs at APPLE FamilyWorks. Call (415) 492-0720 to make an appointment for counseling services.


This August when Our Lady of Loretto Catholic School (OLL) opens its doors for the 52nd year, Annette Bonanno will assume the duties of Principal. Ms. Bonanno takes over the reins from Susan A. Maino, who has served as Principal for nine years and is retiring. The 30 year-old native San Franciscan will be the twelfth principal of OLL, which is located in the heart of Novato. OLL offers an excellent educational program with small classes for grades Kindergarten thru eighth grade. Before and after school care is also available.

After her ap-p o i n t m e n t a s Principal by OLL Pastor, Father Wil-liam McCain, Ms. Bonanno stated, “I am so impressed by the sense of com-munity that pre-vails at Our Lady of Loretto and the dedication, talent, and enthusiasm of the teaching staff! It’s wonderful to see such an active parish, with such a variety of op-portunities to get involved.”

Ms. Bonanno

New Principal for Our Lady of Loretto - Annette Bonno

went on to say, “I feel that OLL’s repu-tation as a nurturing environment for the children is best-reflected in the school’s Mission Statement.”

Our Lady of Loretto School is dedi-cated to excellence in education that is Christ-centered and rich in Catholic tradition. With Christ as the model and teacher, they foster the development of students who are:

CompassionateHumbleResponsibleInvolvedSpiritualThinkers

San Francisco Roots

A native San Franciscan, Ms. Bonanno grew up In the Richmond District. She is one of four daughters born to Jack and Patricia Bonanno, who are also native San Franciscans. Mr. and Mrs. Bonanno have been mar-ried for 33 years and are members of St. Monica’s parish, where Annette and her sisters attended grammar school.

From St. Monica’s, Ms. Bonanno went to Lowell High School where she became involved in Musical

SchoolSpotlight

continued on age 22

by Toni Basich


John T. Smith, DDS915 Sir Francis Drake Blvd., San Anselmo

(Across from Red Hill Shopping Center)

415-453-1666

Family Dental CareTeen Drivingcontinued from page 3

that Big Mac, fries, and Coke until you can safely pull over to the curb.

• Observe another driver making an obscene gesture and do not respond.

• And for the final challenge, as the would-be driver travels at 25 mph, have three mechanical squirrels scamper into the street. The driver must not hit any parked cars or pedestrians trying to avoid the squirrels.

That’s what I call a driving test!I still have three years to figure out how to expand my

driveway to handle three more cars. Anyone seen that de-fibrillator?

Since 2004, Don Staffin has been writing a monthly newsletter, which he recently turned into a book called Postcards from the Garden of Estrogen www.donstaffin.com. Don coaches youth soccer and basketball.

Precision LandscapingPrecision and Detail Going Above and Beyond

• Monthly Maintenance • Tree Work • Rough Cuts • System Checks & Repair • Fencing • Design • Hauling

(415) 328-0411

• Tech Support, Installation & Design• Home Theatre / Media Center Installation• Training & Instructional Materials

Marintellect listens to your needs, makes sense out of all the techno mumbo-jumbo and provides you with a down-to-earth proposal that will be easy to understand.

(415) 595-3695

10 FamilyWorks Magazine - July & August, �010 www.familyworks.org

How Old Are the Members of My Family?If the youngsters in your household are under

seven years old, they are usually not develop-mentally suited for puppies 5 months old and under or toy-sized (under 15 pounds) dogs

of any age. Puppies have ultra sharp “milk teeth” and t o e n a i l s and often teethe on and scratch ch i ld ren ,

resulting in unintention-

al injury to the

How to Pick the BestDog for Your FamilyMany families looking to expand their brood turn to furry friends, which often become as much a member of the family as anyone else. And while pets come with additional responsibility and work, studies show that having a pet can reduce stress, bring support when times get tough, and encourage activity and exercise. So how do families decide if a pet is right for them, and if so, what type is best for your family?By Ashley Wallace

child. The puppy becomes something to be feared rather than loved.

Toy dogs are fine-boned, touch-sensi-tive creatures that do not weather rough or clumsy handling well. They break relatively easily and are quicker to bite than their larger boned, mellower relatives.

Unless your children are unusually sensi-tive, low-key, respectful individuals, a me-dium-to-large sized dog over 5 months old is usually the safer choice. Regardless of size, all interactions between small children and dogs should be monitored by a responsible adult. When there is no one to watch over them, they should be separated.

At the opposite end of the spectrum, are there frail elderly or physically challenged


FamilyWorks Magazine - July & August, �010 11www.familyworks.org

Child-Centered Co-ParentingParents who are living apart learn how to raise their children harmoniously, keep children “out of the middle” and safely in each of their lives. Parents attend separate classes and learn to:

• Deal with each other respectfully

• Increase cooperation

• Make co-parenting decisions calmly

• Divide child-rearing tasks equitably

• Manage constantly shifting schedules

• Stop tantrums and dawdling

• Design consequences that work

• End rudeness & backtalk

Seven Tuesday evenings: Sept. 14 - Oct. 26, 2010Earn a certificate of completion at graduation.

P o s i t i v e& P e a c e f u l ParentingLearn Keys to Increasing:• Cooperation • Self-esteem • Responsibilty• Communication • Respect • Discipline

Viewing Life Today• Being a Proactive Parent • Identifying Your Universal Principles

Growing Great Kids• Understanding How Kids Work • Ensuring Goodness of Fit• Making Work Fun

Listening and Talking• Listening Effectively• Decreasing Impulsive Behavior

Problem Solving that Gets Results• Using the Magical “When...Then”• Designing Charts that Get Results• Revamping “Time Out”

Feeling More Confident• Being Positive and Persistent• Sharing Successes• Setting Positive Consequences

Four Tuesday evenings:Oct. 5-26, 2010Earn a certificate of completion at graduation.

Parenting Programs

www.familyworks.org 415-492-0720

Therapy and Life Skills Center

ExploringMotherhoodFor Expectant & New Mothers (and infants birth to 9 months).Spanish speaking group: Tuesdays, 10 a.m. to noon at Marin Community Clinic in Novato.English and Spanish speaking groups Thursdays 10 AM to Noon at Marin Community Clinic in San Rafael. • Share experiences, ideas, and support

• Learn about pregnancy and new parenthood

• Learn how to increase infant health & happiness

• Learn ways to manage change and decrease stress

• Reduce anxiety and depression

Free!

1� FamilyWorks Magazine - July & August, �010 www.familyworks.org

Family Therapy and CouplesCounseling Concerns, hopes and dreams, as well as practical and effective relationship tools are explored. The result is increased understanding and empathy, more cooperation and more fun in family life through:

• Managing Child Behavior• Resolving Hurts and Conflicts• Dealing with Anxiety, Depression and Addictions• Sharing Child Rearing • Planning for Play• Managing Anger• Creating Cooperative Responsible Children

AssessmentUsing temperament profiles and developmental assessments, parents and children will learn positive skills and design behavior plans that maximize each child’s potential. Therapists consult with teachers and parents, developing behavioral interventions that work at home, play and school. Therapists are available to make home-visits, school observations and attend IEP meetings. Mental health screenings for anxiety, depression, AD/HD, etc. are available.

IndividualUtilizing a variety of theoretical approaches, FamilyWorks’ therapists help individuals to develop healthy life skills and increase their social-emotional well being. We are skilled in helping with a broad range of relationship and psychological issues, including:

• Life Stage Transitions• Anxiety• Abuse• Depression• Anger & Conflict• Improved Self-Esteem• Grief & Loss• Stress

Therapy with ChildrenWith Child-centered “playrooms,” and a wide variety of expressive arts, including FamilyWorks’ specialized sand-tray materials, children “play” in ways that allow them to bring their thoughts and emotions to the surface. As children’s experiences and knowledge are more and more freely communicated through play, the therapist works with those themes as a vehicle for self- acceptance and emotional regulation.

Therapy with TeensFamilyWorks’ skilled therapists work with adolescents to support their journey to adulthood. Using various forms of expressive arts therapy, interactive play/exercises and outdoor activities, teens find new ways to resolve problems, build greater self-esteem and enhance their social skills in ways that support their healthy growth and development.



Adjustable Fees

FamilyWorks Magazine - July & August, �010 1�www.familyworks.org


Therapy and Life Skills CenterFamily Interactive Therapy

F. I.T Services:When Family members want to improve communication and learn problem solving skills, Family Interactive Therapy at FamilyWorks, offers a unique program.

Family Meeting

Individual Counseling

Initially the parents share concerns with their therapist, followed by an opportunity for the entire family to set and meet their goals. Then, individual family members may be interviewed. An action plan is designed to meet the needs of each individual and the entire family.

Families may choose to benefit from the one way mirror option, in which child development assessments are made and family members can practice the skills they are learning with the assistance of a FamilyWorks Therapist. Parents may receive guidance through an ear bud as the therapist observes interactions through the one-way mirror.

One-way Mirror Option


Support for Individuals with Disabilities

Independent Living Skills

Parenting Support Services



CPR & First Aid Classes

• Parenting and Co-Parenting

• Childbirth Education

• Child Development and Family Planning

• Behavior Management and Stress Reduction

• Early Intervention in Postpartum Depression

• Positive and Peaceful Discipline

• Family Health Promotion and Hygiene

• Injury Prevention, Nutrition, and Exercise

• Household Management, and Transportation

• Financial Management and Budgeting

• Development of Social Support Systems

• Linkage with Others Services

• Academic Growth

• Behavior Management

• Stress Reduction Skills

• Injury Prevention

• Nutrition

• Health Promotion and Exercise

• Hygiene and Self-care

• Housekeeping

• Transportation Skills

• Community Access

• Employment Readiness

• Financial Management and Budgeting

• Development of Social Support Systems

Saturday, July 17

CPR - 9:30 AM to 1:00 PMFirst Aid - 1:15 to 4 PM

Learn infant, child and adult choke-saving and CPR and how to apply these skills in emergencies. You will have

hands-on practice, receive a CPR skill book and a National Safety Council Certification upon completion.


individuals in the household? If so, strong vigorous adolescent dogs are not a wise idea. No aging hips or wrists are safe from these yahoos. People who were one-breed fans throughout their lives may one day find that their favor-ite breed demands more than they can physically handle. The new dog must fit the current physical capabilities of his keepers with an eye toward what the next 10-15 years will bring.

Who Will Be the Dog’s Primary Caretaker?

A decade or so back, this was an easy question to answer-- Mom. She stayed home and cooked, cleaned and raised the family dog. Most families these days do not have that option. All adults have to go to work and the kids head off to school. This leaves the family dog to be sandwiched in between lessons and sports and household chores and so on. One parent should be designated Primary Caretaker to make sure the dog does not get lost in the shuffle.

Some parents bow to the pressure their children put on them to get a dog. The kids promise with tears in their eyes that they will religiously take care of this soon-to-be best friend. The truth of the matter is, during the 10 - 15 year lifespan of the average dog, your children will be growing in and out of various life stages and the family dog’s importance in their lives will wax and wane like the moon. You cannot saddle a child with total responsibility for the family dog and threaten to get rid of it if the child is not providing that care. It is not fair to child or dog.

Choosing the family dog should in-clude input from all family members with the cooler-headed, more experi-

enced family members’ opinions carry-ing a bit more weight. The family dog should not be a gift from one family member to all the others. The selection experience is one the entire family can share. Doing some research and poll-ing each family member about what is important to them in a dog will help pin down what you will be looking for. Books like Daniel Tortora’s, “The Right Dog For You” Or “The Aspca Complete Guide To Dogs” can be tremendously helpful and can warn you away from unsuitable choices for your family’s circumstances.

How Much Can I Spend?

The price to obtain a dog runs the gamut from free-to-a-good-home to several thousand dollars. It does not always hold true that you get what you pay for. The price you pay in a pet shop is usually 2 to 3 times higher than what you pay a reputable breeder for a puppy of similar (or usually better) quality.

Too many folks spend all their avail-able cash on a pet shop purchase and then have no money left for initial veterinary care, a training crate or obe-dience classes--all necessary expenses. Remember, the purchase price of a dog is a very small part of what the dog will actually cost. Save money for food (es-pecially if it is a large or giant breed),

grooming (fancy coated breeds such as Poodles, Cockers, and Shih Tzus need to be clipped every 4 to 6 weeks), chew toys (the vigorous chewers like a Bull Terrier or Mastiff can work their way through a $8.00 rawhide bone in a single sitting), outerwear (short-coated breeds like Greyhounds, Chihuahuas, and Whippets must have sweaters and coats in the winter or in lavishly air con-ditioned interiors), and miscellaneous supplies (bowls, beds, brushes, sham-poos, flea products, odor neutralizers for accidents, baby gates, leashes, collars, heartworm preventative etc.).

And then, there is the veterinary emer-gency! Very few dogs live their entire lives without at least one accident. Your puppy eats a battery or pair of pantyhose, your fine-boned toy breaks a leg, your big boy has bad hips, and your dog gets hit by a car or beaten/bitten by the neighborhood bully. These surprises can cost $500 or more. Unlike our children, most of our dogs are not covered by health insurance.

But, “How much can I spend?” is not only a question of money. How much time and energy can you spend on a new dog? Various breeds and ages of dog make different demands on our precious spare time. In general, the Sporting, Hounds, Herding, and Terrier breeds.

How to Pick the BestDog...continued from page 10


Why is it important to eat lots of different colored fruits and vegetables? Because each colored vegetable and fruit has unique properties and there is strong evidence that there are interactions between the colors that are beneficial to your health. Eating by the rainbow (ROYGBIV is the first initial of each

color of the rainbow) is vitally important to your well-being.

ROYGBIVThe Color of Health By Patty James

1 cup blueberries and cantaloupe Tangerine slices with herb teaPineapple chunks and banana slicesRaw veggies with your favorite dip. Hummus is a good choice.Jicama slices with salsa and Celery with hummus or peanut or almond butter

Snack

How do you incorporate these fruits and vegetables into your daily eating habits? Remember that you need 5-9 cups of vegetables and fruits a day for good health. Make sure at least half of your veggies are raw. Don’t forget that juicing can incorporate many colored fruits and veggies easily and may be a good choice for those who may not be able to chew raw fruits and veggies. Here are some sample menus for you to get you started.

BreakfastAn orange. Sauté 1/2 red pepper, ½ onion, 2 shitake mushrooms, 2 cloves garlic. Add 3 cups leafy greens (spinach leaves are fine) and 3 eggs. Cook until eggs are done and serve.

Strawberries. Oatmeal made with cubed butternut squash or pureed pumpkin, topped with raw walnut pieces and raw pumpkin seeds.

LunchTurkey sandwich on whole grain bread with sprouts, lettuce, tomato slices, avocado and grated carrots. Serve with a 2-cup salad made with romaine lettuce and raw cauliflower, broccoli and garbanzo beans.

Spinach salad topped with black olives, cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, green onions, and cauliflower. Add beans or chicken if you like. Toss with fresh lemon juice and either olive oil or flax oil or a combination of the two. Sprinkle fresh parsley, chopped, on top.

DinnerGrilled fish or chicken breast or black beans and brown rice (protein). Coleslaw made with green and red cabbage with red onions and grated carrots. Baked yam.

Pasta primavera made with spinach fettuccini, sautéed red peppers, onions, garlic, zucchini, carrots, and whatever else is in season.


RedThese foods contain lycopene that helps rid the body of damaging free radicals, protects against prostate cancer, as well as heart and lung disease. The red foods are loaded with antioxidants thought to protect against heart disease by preventing blood clots and may also delay the aging of cells in the body. TomatoesBeetsRadishesRed cabbage

CherriesCranberriesPink grapefruitRed grapes

Red peppersPomegranatesRed potatoesWatermelon

RaspberriesRed applesRhubarbStrawberries

Orange and YellowThese foods contain alpha carotene, which protects against cancer, but also contain beta-carotene, which the body converts to vitamin A protecting the skin against free-radical damage. Beta-carotene is also good for night vision.

GreenThese foods contain the chemicals that help ward off cancer by inhibiting carcinogens. Chlorophyll is the component that makes plant green, and is purifying in the body. Many green foods also contain calcium and minerals.

Blue, Indigo and VioletThese foods contain the compound anthocyanins that not only give food their color but also have been shown to reduce the risk of high blood pressure and increasing heart health. BlueberriesBlackberries

Purple grapes Raisins

Figs Plums

Eggplant

WhiteThough not part of the color of the rainbow, foods contain properties that have anti-tumor qualities, such as allicin in onions as well as other health-improving antioxidants such as the flavanoids. The white foods, bananas and potatoes, contain potassium as well. BananasOnions

CaliflowerGarlic

GingerJicama

MushroomsPotatoes

ParsnipsTurmips

Patty is a Certified Natural Chef with a Master’s degree in Holistic Nutrition and was founder and director of the Patty James Cooking School and Nutrition Center, the first certified organic cook-ing school and nutrition center in the country. She created the Patty James Health Guide, a guide to life-long healthy eating and lifestyle. Patty runs, Shine the Light On America’s Kids, an organization whose mission is to shine the light on all aspects of kid’s health in America. She is the author of, “More Vegetables, Please!”

Yams and sweet potatoesCarrotsYellow applesApricotsButternut squash

CantaloupeCarrotsGrapefruitLemonsMangoes

NectarinesOranges and TangerinesPapayasPeaches

PearsYellow peppersPersimmonsPineapplePumpkin

Yellow summer or winter squashSweet cornYellow tomatoes

Kale, spinach and other leafy greensGreen applesArtichokesSea vegetables

AsparagusAvocadosGreen beansBroccoliBrussels sprouts

Green cabbageCucumbersGreen grapesKiwiLettuce

LimesGreen onionsPeasZucchini


When the news broke about 15-year-old Phoebe Prince’s suicide after being mercilessly bullied by her peers both online and in person, parents every-where were saddened and horrified. And now that nine Massachusetts teens are facing criminal charges, the worries have been rekindled. “What makes kids so mean,” they wonder? “Are my kids capable of bullying anyone?” “Do they stand back and watch when others are bullied?” “And, what can I do to make sure they are never involved in such cruelty—even peripherally?”

“These are tough questions,” says child and adolescent psychiatrist, Dr. Warren Seiler. Bullying is a complex issue, and no one knows exactly what makes some kids want to torment others. But parents do have a huge influence on their children’s moral development—and they can consistently take the kinds of actions that are shown to help kids grow

into compassionate, confident adults.

“Think of it as the ‘best odds’ ap-proach to bully prevention. You can’t control what your kids do when they’re away from you—but you can equip them with the skills they need to interact with others in a kind and caring way. You can teach them what to do when they see others being bullied or shunned. Some-times, even most of the time, having those skills makes all the difference.”

Parent your children; don’t just pro-vide for them. Yes, making sure that your children are dressed, fed, and otherwise provided for is a very impor-tant part of being a parent. Yet, it’s not everything. And whether consciously or unconsciously, many of us operate under the belief that giving our children the best clothing and sending them to the best schools will fundamentally influ-ence who they grow up to be.”

By Dottie DeHart

Twelve Ways NOT to Raise a Bully

Cruelty Free Kids

No parent wants his or her child to be bullied. But what if your kid is the one pushing others around? Dr. Warren Seiler says that while parents can’t monitor their children’s behavior every second of the day, they can raise them in ways that discourage bullying. Yes, you can stop this mean kid phenomenon—and here’s how to start with your own.



Following are parenting practices that can reduce the risk of bullying behaviors:

Model Good BehaviorHere’s the number one rule of good

parenting: remember that your kids will do what they see you doing. You don’t live in a vacuum, and your kids are al-ways watching you. They see how you react to situations that are negative or stressful...and you can bet that they’re filing those observations away. So be-fore you take your children to task for rude or inconsiderate behavior, take an honest look at yourself.

“It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that the ‘Do as I say, not as I do’ parenting strategy never leads to long-term success,” Dr. Seiler points out. “Whether you’re resolving a dispute with your child’s teacher, dealing with a rude salesperson, or receiving a traffic ticket for speeding, take your pride out of the equation. Admit it when you’re wrong, fight the urge to be combative, and never talk down to others. Your kids will see and remember.”

Take Advantage of Teachable Moments

Children look to parents to help them make sense of things. The minute they begin to get exposed to the outside world (young toddlers), you must begin teach-ing them. You are the single biggest in-fluencer in their lives. Your job is to put things in context so that kids understand them and can learn from them. Often, bullies act out because they haven’t been given the tools to respond to external or internal stress in any other way.

“I’ll never forget a teachable moment I shared with my oldest son,” Dr. Seiler recalls. “We were in the grocery store checkout line, and my son—who was around four at the time—said hello to the woman behind us. She ignored him, so my son told her hello again. This time the woman not only continued to ignore him—she also turned her back. I could see that my son was confused and hurt, so I simply told him, ‘I don’t know why

the lady didn’t say hello back to you. Maybe she is just having a bad day. But I want you to know that it makes me very happy to have such a friendly little boy!’

“I couldn’t control the woman’s behavior that day, but I did have the power to let my little boy know that her behavior wasn’t okay and that he shouldn’t stop being friendly,” Dr. Seiler continues. “When parents explain situations thoroughly to their children and use them as teachable moments, it relaxes them, and they learn to trust you. Plus, you help ensure that regardless of how others react, good behaviors are still reinforced.”

Always Point out the Flip Side

Reinforcement of desirable behaviors is good—but don’t forget that negative or upsetting situations can also be used as cautionary tales. Remember the gro-cery store line story? Later, Dr. Seiler told his son to think about how he had felt when a fellow shopper ignored his greeting, and to remember in the future how badly rudeness can make others feel.

“Kids know when they themselves feel upset, sad, or stressed, but they might not have the sophistication to allow that knowledge to impact their

own conduct—especially if they’re younger,” Dr. Seiler points out. “It’s important that you as a parent take advantage of opportunities to connect the bad behavior of others back to your children’s emotions. Knowing why they shouldn’t tease someone else (because it hurts feelings!) will make a much larger behavioral impact than just being told not to do something. Make sure your children understand the power of their words and actions.”

Realize that what happens in the cyber-world impacts the “real” world. When we were growing up, we worried about having our lunch money stolen,

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being called names in the hallway, or even receiving an infamous “swirly”—but we didn’t have to worry about be-ing ridiculed and slandered in a widely accessible public forum. However, our kids do. Children and teenagers have the Internet and cell phones at their disposal, and unfortunately many of them use these resources to perpetuate bullying. (Look no further than the Phoebe Prince tragedy; much of the taunting that drove her to suicide took place online.)

“It’s a tragic but undeniable fact: children have come to harm and have even died because of cyber bullying,” Dr. Seiler points out. “The cyber world is especially dangerous because it allows children to be nasty without engaging in direct confrontation—and it means that bullying doesn’t stop when the bell rings at three o’clock. Many children don’t realize that this is the reason why send-ing (or even forwarding!) an email or a text makes them feel so powerful.

“Explain to them that anonymity breeds aggression, and that what they put in writing—even electronically—stays around forever, and can be spread to a horrifyingly wide audience in no time whatsoever,” he adds. “Instruct your children to always ask themselves, ‘Would I say this to someone’s face’? And of course, parents should always monitor their children’s computer and phone usage.”

Pay Attention to their Friends (and their friends’ parents)

It’s a stark fact that we take on the mannerisms, characteristics, and atti-tudes of the people with whom we spend the most time. Take a look at yourself: chances are there are phrases in your vocabulary, for example, that wouldn’t be present if not for your close friends and coworkers. Now, think about how that might apply to your children. No matter how much positive direction they might receive from you at home, your kids still spend a large amount of their time with other people—whether it’s at school, soccer practice, or visiting their friends.

“You are not overstepping your bounds by limiting the amount of time your child spends with a peer whose behavior you don’t approve of—or even whose parents you feel uncomfortable around,” Dr. Seiler insists. “If this hap-pens, be honest with your child. Discuss your observations, as well as any con-cerns you may have about the attitudes and behaviors of others. You might also want to talk about how your child should handle potential problems arising from a peer’s negative words and actions.

“However, if you find that your child is consistently choosing to hang with the ‘wrong crowd,’ consider that the problem might be closer to home. Are you teaching your children the types of qualities they should look for and value in their friendships?”

Be on the Lookout for Bully-Specific Behaviors

If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and has webbed feet, it probably is a duck. The same goes for bullies. Although it’s not something that you as a parent will be happy to notice and acknowledge, the fact of the matter is, certain behaviors do indicate that your child might be prone to bullying oth-ers.

“No two bullies are alike; however, there are some telltale signs you can watch for. “Almost universally, bullies have low self-esteem. They make them-selves feel better and more powerful by putting others down. So take note if your child seems incapable of saying something good without also saying something bad. Also, watch how your children play with your pets and with their siblings. Are they nasty, bossy, or controlling? If so, talk to them about more appropriate behaviors and set up consequences if these patterns continue. A lack of empathy can lead to increasing mistreatment of others.”

Never—ever—turn a blind eye to bullying. That’s right—never. Sure, if you’re running around like a chicken with its head cut off, trying to make sure that everyone catches the bus with the

It’s crucial toteach your children the importance of not teasing, not

ridiculing, and not spreading rumors about others. But don’t stop there.

Children should also learn that the words they neglect to say and the things they fail to do can also

perpetuate bullying.

Cruelty Free Kidscontinued from page 19

FamilyWorks Magazine - July & August, �010 �1www.familyworks.org

appropriate amount of clothing, home-work, library books, and bag lunches, it can be tempting to ignore the fact that your nine-year-old shoved your seven-year-old out of his way to get to the bathroom first. However, says Dr. Seiler, giving in to your impulse to turn a blind eye just this once is a mistake.

“You simply can’t ignore bad be-havior, no matter how small the infrac-tion is or when it occurs,” he stresses. “Children must be held accountable. Show your disapproval, even at an early age and let them know it will not be tolerated. Allowing a behavior to occur is tantamount to reinforcing it. I’m not saying your kids have to live in a perpetual state of being grounded as a result of ‘minor’ infractions, but you do need to communicate in no uncertain terms that you will not tolerate them being nasty to others. Let them know that when they witness bullying—even if they cannot intercede—they should never participate. And of course, let them know how happy it makes you each and every time they do something nice and treat others well!”

Make sure kids understand that words really can hurt. By the time we reach adulthood, we all know that the “sticks and stones” children’s rhyme isn’t true at all, because words can and do hurt us. In fact, given the choice between being punched in the stomach and having our bosses publicly berate and belittle us at a company-wide meeting, most of us would probably choose the physical punishment. However, kids—especially young ones—aren’t equipped to real-ize how damaging their words can be, whether they mean them to be hurtful or not.

“Have a frank conversation with your children and explain to them that bullying doesn’t just mean physically hitting others. Let your children know how incredibly powerful their words can be. Talk to them about gossip and rumors, and remind them that what they say can cause other children to be teased, excluded, or picked on. Tell them to re-member what Thumper says in Disney’s

Bambi: ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.’ Those are words we can all live by!”

Teach Them the Power of NiceYes, it’s crucial to teach your children

the importance of not teasing, not ridi-culing, and not spreading rumors about others. But don’t stop there. Children should also learn that the words they neglect to say and the things they fail to do can also perpetuate bullying.

“You don’t have to say things to hurt feelings,” points out Dr. Seiler. “Often, it’s the things we don’t do that hurt people the most. Remind your children that letting a classmate or friend eat lunch alone, not inviting specific indi-viduals to parties, and simply making others feel like outsiders are also forms of bullying. Explain to them that when they’re nice to others, they are ensuring that they’ll be remembered in a positive way—and in the long run, they’ll win more friends.”

Dr. Seiler is the author of the new book, Battling the Enemy Within: Con-quering the Causes of Inner Struggle and Unhappiness (Victory Laine Pub-lishing, 2010,

(Infant - 4.5 years)

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�� FamilyWorks Magazine - July & August, �010 www.familyworks.org

Theater and Choir. Ms. Bonanno is excited about the inception of the new Children’s Theater Company elective that is being offered this year at OLL. Parent Linda Bonino is spearheading the project which will present a spring production of “Seussical, Jr.”.

Educational Background

From Lowell, Ms. Bonanno went to the University of Arizona where she earned two degrees, one in Elementary

every game a “learning moment”. Nothing can kill good fun faster than a lecture!

Be Playful in GeneralThere is a kid inside every parent

yearning to get out! Being a playful per-son is important to happiness throughout life. Think about ways that you can make things like chores, car rides, grocery shopping, or dinner time more fun. For example, on a car ride, sing songs, look for things along the way that are red or green, or do riddles or other types of games together. Chores don’t have to be drudgery. Be mindful of your attitude toward chores. If you are grumpy when the kids are working with you, they are likely to get grumpy, too. Try turning on some lively music or making it a race to see who finishes their chores first.

Set the StageOne of the things that I value most is

that play greatly improves the parent’s and child’s ability to talk to each other. After all, it’s hard to avoid talking when you play. Those early conversation open

the door to those times in the future when you might need to have an im-portant talk with a child or the child needs to tell you something difficult.

Go Easy on YourselfIf you are a parent who doesn’t enjoy

playing all that much, your kids will know if you are participating resent-fully. It will help if you identify the kinds of play that are easier for you and delegate the rest to the other parent, a grandparent, or a friend who likes those types of play. Choose activities that have a shorter playtime. This way you won’t end up feeling frustrated half way through Monopoly. If the game has been played or a story read a hundred times (kids do this!!), rather than getting more and more upset, enthusiastically bring in something new, or state in advance that you will read their favorite book up to a certain number of times at that sitting.

For now, just enjoy the time and the opportunity to be there – to laugh and play with the people you love most. Have a playful and fun summer!

Education and another in Italian. Her teaching career began at St. Gabriel’s in San Francisco where she taught 2nd grade for six years and 4th grade for two years. While she was working at St. Gabriel’s, Ms. Bonanno pursued an advanced degree in Educational Organization and Leadership from the University of San Francisco. The na-tionally-renowned program provides an excellent preparation for stepping into Administration. It is a combination of both the practical and theoretical aspects of educational leadership, with hands-on experience as one pursues the degree.

For the past year, Ms. Bonanno has been employed by the San Francisco Unified School District as an Equity Re-lease Teacher. In this position, she has

provided academic support and release time for the teachers at the district’s Star and Dream Schools.

Upon accepting her new position as Principal of OLL, Ms. Bonanno feels called to return to Catholic Education and is excited about joining such a warm and dynamic school community.

On a personal note, Ms. Bonanno re-laxes through dancing, running, hiking, and swimming. She plans to move to San Rafael, and she is looking forward to exploring the Marin countryside.

As OLL continues into the next 50 years, it is evident that Our Lady Lady of Loretto is being given over to the direction of a young, enthusiastic, and well-qualified new leader.

Our Lady of Lorettocontinued from page 8

Play is Serious Businesscontinued from page 7

It will help if you

identify the kinds of

play that are easier for

you and delegate the

rest to the other

parent, a grandparent,

or a friend who likes

those types of play.

Choose activities that

have a shorter play-

time. This way you

won’t end up feeling

frustrated half way

through Monopoly.

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