funny dialogues
TRANSCRIPT
JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES
The Perfect SonA: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect
son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next
Wednesday. Mice familyA family of mice was surprised by a big
cat. Father Mouse jumped and said,
"Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was
that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well,
son, that's why it's important to learn a
second language." Wooden legMy friend said he knew a man with a
wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his
other leg?" It hurtsA man goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my
shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my
knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead,
it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong
with you - you've broken your finger!" The spoonPatient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye
whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug
before you drink. AttentionPatient: Doctor! You've got to help me!
Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever
pays any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please! Ten dollarsTwo boys were arguing when the teacher
entered the room. The teacher says,
"Why are you arguing?" One boy
answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and
decided to give it to whoever tells the
biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves,"
said the teacher, "When I was your age I
didn't even know what a lie was." The
boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher. Boy or girlA: Just look at that young person with the
short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a
girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you
were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
The first dayMother: "Did you enjoy your first day at
school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have
to go back tomorrow? I don’t know!Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?" Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?" Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!" Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"
Attaining wisdomOnce someone asked Hodja, "How can one attain wisdom?" Hodja replied, "Always listen attentively to what the wise and learned men tell you. And when you are speaking to others, listen carefully to what you are saying!"TaxiA: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi. GraveA: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig
his grave. Short talkA teenage girl had been talking on
the phone for about half an hour, and
then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was
short. You usually talk for two hours.
What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl. PunishmentPUPIL: "Would you punish me for
something I didn’t do?"
TEACHER: "Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven’t done
my homework." Fifty fiveA teacher asked a student to write
55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it
another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
Teacher: What are you waiting for?
Student: I don't know which side to
write the other 5! May I!Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the
bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to
the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first! IdiotSon: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to
explain his ideas in such a strange
and long way that another person
who is listening to him can't
understand him. Do you understand
me?
Son: No. End of the worldMan: I could go to the end of the
world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay
there?
Let's shareMan: I want to share everything with
you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank
account. A hundred dollar bill Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a
hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you
helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it. Thump in the soupCustomer: Excuse me, but I saw your
thumb in my soup when you were
carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup
isn't hot. Cheap apartmentThe real estate agent says, "I have a
good, cheap apartment for you."
The man replies, "By the week or by
the month?"
The agent answers, "By the garbage
dump.." Funnier"You look very funny wearing that
belt."
"I would look even funnier if I didn't
wear it." Which part"I was born in California."
"Which part?"
"All of me." DecisionsTeacher: Do you have trouble making
decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no. Simple presentThe teacher to a student: Conjugate
the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk....
The teacher interrupts him: Quicker
please.
The student: I run. You run... The dishesFather: What did you do today to help
your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the
pieces. BreakfastA: Look at your face I know what you
have for breakfast
B: What was it?
A: Eggs.
B: No, that was yesterday. RaceA: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get a
cup.
A: Who will get the cup?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others
running? Vampire
Patient: Doctor, I think that I've bitten by
a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your
neck leaks. The bloodA: When I stand on my head the blood
rushes to my head, but when I stand on
my feet the blood doesn't rush to my
feet. Why is this?
B: It's because your feet aren't empty. HomeworkTeacher: Did your father help you with
your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself. QuestionsOne day a neighbor inquired of Hodja, "Why do you always answer a question with another question?" He replied, "Do I?"SugarTeacher: What are some products of the
West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you
get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor. WerewolfI used to be a werewolf...
But I'm much better noooooooooooow ! Stop"Spell STOP three times."
“STOP, STOP, STOP "
"What do you do when you come to a
green light?"
(Answer is invariably-) "Stop!"
"What, at a GREEN light?" FrogIn a restaurant:
Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog
in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation. Pretty uglyMary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm
ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly. Big menA visitor to the Mid West asked: ‘Any big
men ever born in this town?’
‘No,’ came the reply. ‘Just little babies.’William ShakespeareA guide was showing tourists around the
museum at Strafford upon Avon.
‘This is the skull of William Shakespeare,’
he told the group.
‘But it’s the skull of a boy!’ exclaimed one
tourist.
‘Yes,’ said the guide, blushing. ‘That must
have been when he was a lad.’Stop screaming!Dentist: ‘Stop screaming! I haven’t even
touched your tooth. In fact you’re not on
the chair yet.’
Boy: ‘I know, but you’re standing on my
foot!’How long?
Customer: ‘Excuse me, but how long
have you been working here?’
Waitress: ‘About three months, sir.’
Customer: ‘Oh. Then it couldn’t have
been you who took my order.Nine o’clock Angry employer: ‘You should have
been here at nine o’clock.’
Late employee: ‘Why, what
happened?’MessagesBoss: ‘Did you take any messages
while I was out?’
Young secretary: ‘No. Are any of
them missing?’
Fly
'Waiter! There is a fly in my soup.'
'Would you prefer it to be served
separately?'Magician'Waiter! There is a fly in my soup.'
'No sir, that's the chef. The last
customer was a magician doctor.'Fly soup'Waiter! There is a fly in my soup.'
'I know sir it's a fly soup.'Insecticide'Waiter! There is a fly in my soup.'
‘Oh, dear, it must have committed
insecticide.’BrakesDriving instructor: 'What would you
do if you were coming down that very
steep hill into town and your brakes
failed?'
Learner: 'Hit something cheap?ProfitCustomer: ‘But if it costs ten pounds
to make these watches, and you sell
them for ten pounds where does your
profit come in?’
Shopkeeper: ‘From repairing.’ The wrong answerTeacher: ‘If I were to ask you to add
9731 to 237 and then halve it, what
do you think you would get?’
Simon:’ The wrong answer, sir’HeavenSunday school teacher: ‘Now,
Jonathan, can you tell me what sort of
people goes to Heaven?’
Jonathan: ‘Dead ones miss.’PiesI went into a bakery, I said: ‘How
much for these two pies?’
The girl behind the counter said: ’90
pence.’
I said: How much is it for one?’
She said: ’60 pence.’
I said: ‘I’ll have the other one.’Farmer ‘I bet you don’t know how many
sheep there are in this field?’ said the
English farmer to the Irish visitor.
The Irishman glanced around the field
and then replied: ‘Three hundred and
eighty-six.’
The farmer was astonished. ‘That’s
incredible! You’re perfectly right. How
did you manage it?’
‘Oh, it was quite simple,’ said the
Irishman. ‘I just counted the number
of legs and divided by four.’Mother kangarooThe mother kangaroo suddenly leapt
into the air and gave a cry of pain
and anguish.
‘Sidney!’ she screamed. ‘How many
more times do I have to tell you that
you cannot smoke in bed!’CamelA camel decided to educate his who
he thought was getting a little
inquisitive.
‘Why do we have two humps?’ asked
the son. ‘That’s so that we can go for
days and weeks without water. We
can store it in the humps.’
‘Why do we have very long eye
lashes?’ ‘That,’ he was told, ‘is to
protect the eyes from the sand in a
sand storm.’
‘And why do we have bulbous looking
feet?’ ‘That is so that we can travel
twice as fast through the desert.’
‘Dad,’ asked the young camel, ‘what
the hell are we doing in this zoo?’Shape of the earth‘What’s the shape of the earth?’ the
teacher asked Willie.
‘Round.’
‘How do you know it’s round?’
‘All right, it’s square. I don’t want to
start an argument.’Bright classVisitor: ‘You must have an unusually
bright class. Whenever you asked a
question-no matter how difficult-
every student raised his hand.’
Teacher: ‘They’re just average
students. Confidentially, the
explanation for their hand-raising is
that whenever we have a visitor, all
students raise the right hand; those
who don’t know the answer raise the
left hand.’Desert island‘Suppose you found yourself on a
desert island, Bob,’ said the teacher,’
and could have only one book. Which
book would you prefer?’
‘After thinking a moment, Bob
replied, ‘Boat Building for Amateurs.’ New bicycleLittle Johnny, exhibiting his skill in
riding a new bicycle, came down the
street in front of his house. ‘Look,
Mum,’ he cried, folding his arms, ‘no
hands!’
Again he came into view, this time
coasting with his feet off the pedals.
‘Look, Mum,’ he shouted, ‘no feet!’
Half an hour passed, and Johnny
again put in his appearance. This
time, somewhat subdued (softened) he
gurgled, ‘Look, Mum no front tooth.’Ten men in a boatTeacher to class: ‘There were ten men in
a boat and it tipped over; nine men got
their hair wet, but the other man didn’t
get his hair wet. Can one of you tell me
why?’
Class clown: ‘Because the other man was
bald.’Who is this speaking?Voice over telephone: ‘Tommy Hagan
won’t be in school today.’
Teacher: ‘Who is this speaking, please?’
Voice: ‘This is my father speaking.’ResolutionTim: ‘What’s your New Year’s resolution?’
Frank: ‘To be much less conceited.’
Tim: ‘Will that be difficult to maintain for
a year?’
Frank: ‘Not for someone as clever and
intelligent as me.’FishingYoung Harold was late for Sunday school,
and the minister asked the cause. ‘I was
going fishing, but Father wouldn’t let me,’
announced the lad.
‘That’s the right kind of father to have,
‘replied the reverend gentleman. ‘Did he
explain the reason he would not let you
go?’
‘Yes, sir. He said there wasn’t bait enough
for two.’Return ticketCustomer: ‘A return ticket, please.’
Airline reservation clerk: ‘Where to, sir?’
Customer: ‘Back here, please.’LandladyWhen I lived in lodgings my landlady kept
some animals in the yard at the back of
the house.
The first day I was there, one of the
chickens died, so we had chicken soup.
The next day, the pig died, so I was
offered pork chops.
The following day, the duck died, so we
had roast duck with apple sauce.
The next day my landlady’s husband died
– so I left.Two fleasThe two fleas were just leaving the
theatre when the male flea turned to the
female flea and said: ‘Shall we walk, or
take a dog?’HoneymoonOn the first morning after the a young
husband arose, went to the kitchen and
took breakfast up to his bride. ‘There,’ he
said. ‘What do you think of that?’
She gazed at the tea, the bacon and
eggs, the toast and marmalade, all nicely
set out on the tray, and said: ‘Why, that’s
wonderful.’
‘Yes,’ he replied, ‘and that’s how I want it
every morning.’Grandfather
Clive: ‘Tony, is it true you married
Cynthia for the money her
grandfather left her?’
Tony: ‘Of course not! I would still
have married her if someone else had
left her the money.’FortuneThe young man asked the beautiful
young girl to marry him, pointing out
that his father was 103 years old and
that he was heir to his father’s
substantial fortune.
The girl asked the young man for
time to consider his offer. Two weeks
later, she became his step-mother.HellFred: ‘My wife converted me to
religion.’
Bill: ‘Your wife converted you to
religion? How did she do that?’
Fred: ‘Because I didn’t believe in Hell
until I married her!’The old inmateThe old inmate greeted his new cell
partner with the question ‘How long
you in for?’
‘Twenty-five years,’ the new prisoner
replied.
‘Then you take the bed nearest the
door,’ said the old timer. ‘You will be
getting out first.’Three turtlesOnce there were three turtles. One
day they decided to go on a picnic.
When they got there, they realized
they had forgotten the soda. The
youngest turtle said he would go
home and get it if they wouldn't eat
the sandwiches until he got back. A
week went by, then a month, finally a
year, when the two turtles said, "oh,
come on, let's eat the sandwiches."
Suddenly the little turtle popped up
from behind a rock and said, "If you
do, I won't go!"UnbelievableAn inebriate was watching an old and
ugly woman enter a revolving door.
As the door swung around, a pretty
girl stepped out. ‘Unbelievable,’ he
muttered.Fool thingA philosopher defined the difference
between life and love: ‘Life is just one
fool thing after another; love is just
two fool things after each other.’ TrafficA man stood on the street corner
waiting to cross while the traffic
streamed by, swift and continuous.
After a long wait, the man became
impatient, but he dared not risk going
out into the traffic He spied another
pedestrian on the other side of the
street and called to him, ‘Hey, I say,
how did you get over there?’
The other man cupped his hands
about his mouth and shouted, ‘I was
born here.’PlaygroundReligious knowledge teacher: ‘Now,
Timothy, where do naughty boys and
girls go?’
Timothy: ‘Behind the bicycle shed in
the playground.’A good little boyMother: ‘Where did you get that black
eye, Jimmy? Didn’t I tell you that
good little boys never fight?’
Jimmy: ‘Yes, mother, and believed
you. I thought he was a good little
boy and I hit him, and then I found
out he wasn’t.’SupermarketThe little girl had been taken to the
supermarket by her mother but
somehow managed to get lost near
the tinned food section.
‘Excuse me,’ asked the little girl of
another customer. ‘Have you seen a
mother walking along pushing a
shopping trolley without a girl like
me?’Don’t mention itA little girl was going to a party and
her mother told her to be a good girl
and to remember, when she was
leaving, to thank her hostess.
When she arrived home, the mother
asked her if she thanked her hostess
and the little girl replied: ‘No, the girl
in front of me did and the lady said
“Don’t mention it” – so I didn’t.’Money, moneyRonald: 'All my wife says to me is
'Money, money.' She is always asking
me for money.'
Richard: 'Why does she need so
much? What does she spend it on?'
Ronald: 'I've no idea. I never give her
any.'She's just flown'Doctor, I'm worried about my wife.
She thinks she is a bird.'
'Well, you had better bring her in to
see me.'
I can't. She's just flown south for
winter.'20 poundsThe wife wanted to do some shopping
during the day, so at breakfast she
asked her husband for 20 pounds.
‘Money, money, money!’ he shouted.
‘Every day of the week you want
more money. If you ask me, I think
you need brains more than you need
money.’
‘Perhaps so,’ his wife agreed, ‘but I
asked you for what I thought you had
the most of.’Exaggeration
Father to small boy: ‘How many millions
of times have I told you not to
exaggerate?’
HeavenJohnny gazed at his one-day-old brother
who was yelling at the top of his voice.
‘Did he come from heaven?’ Johnny asked
his mother.
‘Yes, dear,’ she replied.
‘Well,’ Johnny mused, ‘I can see why they
put him out.’IntelligenceFather: ‘I’m just conceited enough to
think that our son gets his intelligence
from me.’
Mother: ‘Well, he must. I’ve still got mine.Eight eggsLittle boy: ‘I et four eggs for breakfast this
morning.’
Big sister: ‘You mean ate.’
Little boy: ‘Maybe you’re right. Maybe I et
eight eggs for breakfast this morning.’LetterDobb: ‘What’s that piece of cord tied
around your finger for?’
Botham: ‘My wife put it there to remind
me to mail her letter.’
Dobb: ‘And did you mail it?’
Botham: ‘No. She forgot to give it to me!’PresentFather: ‘Peter, how do you like school?’
Peter: ‘I like school okay, but not the
teacher.’
Father: ‘Don’t like the teacher? Why not,
son?’
Peter: ‘Because she told me to sit in the
front seat for the present, and then she
didn’t give me the present!’What a funny noseMother: ‘It’s rude to whisper, Humphrey.’
Humphrey (aged five): ‘Well, I was saying
what a funny nose that man’s got. It
would have been much ruder if I’d said it
aloud.’Other pairDad: ‘You brought me the wrong boots,
son. Can’t you see that one of them is
black and the other brown?’
Son: ‘Yes, dad, but your other pair is just
the same.’StatisticianMother wanted to spend Saturday
afternoon shopping, and father-a
statistician-reluctantly agreed to abandon
his golf and spend the afternoon with the
three small, energetic children. When
mother returned, father handed her this:
Dried tears-9 times
Tied shoes-13 times
Served water-18 times
Toy balloons purchased-3 for each child
Average life of balloon-exactly 12
seconds
Cautioned children not to cross street-21
times
Children insisted on crossing street-
21 times
Number of Saturday father will do
this again-0How else?Son: ‘Pop, what’s the capital of
Uruguay?’
Father: ‘I don’t know son.’
Son: ‘Where was George Washington
born?’
Father: ‘I don’t know.’
Son: ‘What’s a polygon?’
Father: ‘I don’t know.’
Mother: ‘Don’t bother your father.’
Father: ‘Let him ask questions. How
else is he going to learn?’ Spring cleaning‘Could I have a day off, sir, to help my
wife with the spring cleaning?’
‘No, I’m afraid not -’
‘Thank you, sir. I knew I could rely on
you.’LostLittle girl to policeman: ‘Please, sir,
will you take my little brother home?
He’s lost.’
Policeman: ‘Why can’t you take him
home?’
Girl: ‘Because I’m lost too.’Asleep‘Why is father singing to the baby so
much tonight?’
‘He is trying to sing him to sleep.’
‘Well, if I was baby, I’d pretend I was
asleep.’Smoking'Yes,' one man said to another. 'I've
read so much about smoking causing
various illnesses that I've decided to
give up reading!'PizzaWaitress: ‘How would you like your
pizza sliced - six or eight pieces?’
Customer: ‘Six, please - I couldn’t
possibly eat eight!’ParrotA man bought himself a parrot and to
induce him to talk kept repeating,
‘Hello, hello,’ to the bird.
Finally, the parrot opened one sleepy
eye and commented, ‘What’s the
matter? Line busy?LazyPatient: ‘Doctor, is there anything
wrong with me? Don’t frighten me
half to death by giving it a scientific
name. Just tell me in plain English.’
Doctor: ‘Well, to be perfectly frank,
you’re just plain lazy.’
Patient: ‘Thank you, Doctor. Now
please give me the scientific name
for it so I can tell the family.You’re excellentI admire you very much, you never
criticize; you cover my mistakes with
so many little lies. In all my thoughts
we both agree. I really think you’re
excellent, because you’re me. SnailOne row cold morning in January, a
snail started to climb a trunk of a
cherry tree. As he inched painfully
upward, a wise guy beetle stuck his
head out of a nearby crack and
called, ‘Hey, buddy, you are wasting
your time; there aren’t any cherries
up there,’
The snail scarcely paused as he
replied, ‘There will be by the time I
get there.’HobbyThe estate agent spent all day
Sunday showing a couple through
model homes.
‘And this,’ he said at the tenth home
he had shown, ’has a hobby room. Do
you have any hobbies?
‘Yes,’ replied the woman, ’looking
through model homes on Sundays.’BalletA little boy who went to the ballet for
the first time with his father was
amazed to see all the girls dancing on
their toes. Finally, he turned to his
father and asked, ‘Why don’t they
just get taller girls, Dad?’New dogFred: ‘We’ve got a new dog. Would
you like to come and play with him?’
Tom: ‘I’ve heard him barking and
growling. He sounds very fierce and
unfriendly. Does he bite?
Fred: ‘That’s what I want to find out.’Lovely bulldog‘That’s a lovely bulldog you’ve got
there.’
‘No, it’s not a bulldog – it was chasing
a cat and ran into a wall.’MackintoshMcPherson was strolling down the
street when he noticed what he
thought was the familiar figure of a
friend. Quickening his steps, he came
up to the man and slapped him on
the back. To his amazement, he then
saw he had greeted an utter
stranger.
‘Oh, I beg your pardon,’ he said
apologetically. ‘I thought you were an
old friend of mine, Mackintosh by
name.’
The stranger recovered his wind and
replied with considerable heat, ‘And
supposing I were Mackintosh-do you
have to hit me so hard?’
‘What do you care,’ retorted
McPherson, ‘how hard I hit
Mackintosh?’BillHelen: ‘When was your son born?’
Mary: ‘In March-he came the first of
the month.’
Helen: ‘Is that why you call him Bill?’
Came back‘I don’t like to bring this up,’ said the
doctor hesitantly, ’but that cheque of
yours came back.’
‘I don’t like to mention this, either, doc,
’said the patient,’ but so did my disease.Striped crocodiles‘Doctor, doctor! I’m terribly worried. I
keep seeing pink striped crocodiles every
time I try to get to sleep.’
‘Have you seen a psychiatrist?’
‘No – only pink striped crocodiles.’Maternity hospitalVoice on the phone: ‘Hello? Is that the
maternity hospital?’
Receptionist: ‘Yes.’
Voice on the phone: ‘Can you send an
ambulance round, the wife is about to
have a baby.’
Receptionist: ‘Is this her first baby?’
Voice on the phone: ‘No. This is her
husband.’ChickenPatient: ‘Doctor! I keep thinking I’m a
chicken.’
Doctor: ‘How long have you thought
that?’
Patient: ‘For about a year.’
Doctor: ‘Why didn’t you come and see me
earlier?’
Patient: ‘Because my wife said we needed
the eggs.’Chinese travelerYears ago a Chinese traveler, returning to
his country after a journey in Europe,
wrote this description of a piano: ‘The
Europeans keep a large four-legged
animal which they can make to sing at
will. A man, or frequently a woman, sits
down in front of the animal and steps on
its tail, at the same time striking its white
teeth with his or her fingers, when the
creature begins to sing. The singing,
though much louder than a bird’s, is
pleasant to listen to. The animal doesn’t
bite, nor does it move, though it is not
tied.Polishing shoesDuring the American Civil War days a
foreign minister to the United States was
shocked when, on a call to the White
House, he found President Lincoln shining
his own shoes. He told the President that
in his country it was not the custom of
gentlemen to polish their own shoes.
With his customary resourcefulness and
nimble wit, President Lincoln replied,
‘Then whose shoes do they polish.The checkAn American lawyer invited a
Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him
in his mountain cabin. Early in the
morning, the lawyer and his
Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick
berries for their morning breakfast. As
they were picking blueberries, along
came two big Bears - a male and a
female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears,
climbed a tree. His friend wasn't so
lucky and the male bear caught him
and swallowed him whole. The lawyer
drove his car to town as fast has he
could to get a policeman. The
policeman took his gun and ran to the
berry patch with the lawyer. Sure
enough, the two bears were still
there. "He's in THAT one!" said the
lawyer, pointing to the male. The
policeman looked at the bears, took
careful aim with his gun, and SHOT
THE FEMALE.
"What did you do that for!" shouted
the lawyer, "I said he was in the other
bear!"
"Exactly," answered the policeman.
"Would YOU believe a lawyer who
told you that the Czech was in the
Male?"
(The check is in the mail.) MonkA man wanted to become a monk so
he went to the monastery and talked
to the head monk. The head monk
said: "You must take a vow of silence
and can only say two words every
three years." The man agreed and
after the first 3 years, the head monk
came to him and said, "What are your
two words?" "Food cold!”, the man
replied.
Three more years went by and the
head monk came to him and said
"What are your two words?" "Robe
dirty!", the man exclaimed.
Three more years went by and the
head monk came to him and said
"What are your two words?" "I quit!" ,
said the man.
"Well, the head monk replied, I am
not surprised. You have done nothing
but complain ever since you got
here!" AmericanA young man comes before the
Customs agent.
A: "State your citizenship."
B: "American" (pronounced with a
Spanish accent).
A: "Hold on there, buddy. Say that
again."
B: "I said American."
A: "I'm going to give you a test."
B: "No, no senor, no need for test, I
tell you I’m American."
A: "Yeah, sure buddy. OK, let's see,
I've got it. Make a sentence with the
following colors: green, pink and
yellow."
B: "Oh senor, I tell you I'm American.
But OK, let's see... I was at my
bruder-in-laws house and the phone
went 'green, green, I pinked it up and
sed yellow!"
PenguinsA lorry driver is driving 200 penguins
to London Zoo when his lorry breaks
down on the motorway. The driver
gets out of the cab and is looking at
the engine when a second lorry driver
stops in front of him and asks if he
needs help. The penguins' driver
explains that he is taking the
penguins to the zoo and asks if the
other man would take the penguins
there. He agrees.
Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver
drives past the first one, who is still
waiting on the motorway. The
penguins are still on the lorry, and
look happy.
"I thought I asked you to take those
penguins to the zoo," shouted the
first driver.
The second replied, "I did, but I had
some money left, so we're going to
the cinema now." Who am I?One day a student was taking a very
difficult essay exam. At the end of
the test, the Prof asked all the
students to put their pencils down
and immediately hand in their tests.
The young man kept writing furiously,
although he was warned that if he did
not stop immediately he would be
disqualified. He ignored the warning,
finished the test 10 minutes later,
and went to hand the test to his
instructor. The instructor told him he
would not take the test.
The student asked, "Do you know
who I am?" The Prof said, "No and I
don't care.” The student asked again,
"Are you sure you don't know who I
am?"
The Prof again said no. So the
student walked over to the pile of
tests, placed his in
the middle, and then threw the
papers in the air. "Good" the student
said, and walked out. He passed. The ugliest babyA woman got on a bus, holding a
baby. The bus driver said, "That's the
ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff,
the woman slammed her fare into the
fare box and took an aisle seat near
the rear of the bus. The man seated
next to her sensed that she was
agitated and asked her what was
wrong. "The bus driver insulted me,"
she fumed. The man sympathized
and said, "Why, he's a public servant
and shouldn't say things to insult
passengers." "You're right," she said.
"I think I'll go back up there and give
him a piece of my mind." "That's a
good idea," the man said. "Here, let
me hold your monkey." On the other hand
James was walking down the road one
morning when he met his friend Danny.
"Morning, Danny. Err ... Danny; you're
wearing a glove on one hand and none on
the other. Did you know?" "Yes, well I
heard the weather forecast this morning,
you see." "The Weather forecast?" "Yes,
the weather forecast. The forecaster said
on the one hand it might be fine but on
the other hand there might be some
rain." Naughty parrotA man got a parrot which could already
talk. It had belonged to a sailor and had a
big vocabulary. However, the man soon
discovered that the parrot mostly know
bad words. At first he thought it was
funny, but then it became tiresome, and
finally, when the man had important
guests, the bird's bad words embarrassed
him very much. As soon as the guests
left, the man angrily shouted at the
parrot,” That language must stop!". But
the bird answered him with curses. He
shook the bird and shouted again, "Don't
use those ugly words!" Again the bird
cursed him. Now the man was really
angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw
him into the refrigerator. But it had no
effect. From inside the refrigerator, the
parrot was still swearing. He opened the
door and took him out, and again the bird
spoke in dirty words and curses. This
time, the man opened the door of the
freezer, threw the bird into it, and closed
the door. This time there was silence.
After two minutes, the man opened the
door and removed the very cold parrot.
Slowly the shivering parrot walked up the
man's arm, sat on his shoulder and spoke
into his ear, sounding very frightened: "I'll
be good, I promise...Those chickens in
there what did they say?" Three rich brothersThree rich brothers each wanted to do
something special for their elderly mother
on Mother's Day. The first brother bought
her a huge house. The second brother
gave her a limousine, with a driver. The
third brother remembered that his
mother used to love to read the Bible, but
couldn't see well anymore, so he got her
a specially trained parrot that could recite
any verse from the Bible on demand.
Soon, the brothers received thank-you
notes from their mother. The first son's
note said, "The house you bought me is
much too big! I only live in a small part of
it, but I have to clean the whole thing!"
The second son got a note that said, "I
rarely leave the house anymore, so I
hardly use the limo you gave me. And
when I do use it, the driver is so rude!"
The third son's note said, "My darling
baby boy, you know just what your
mother loves! The chicken was delicious!" The preacher
A preacher was told by his doctor
that he had only a few weeks left to
live.
He went home feeling very sad, and
when his wife heard the sad news she
said to him, "Honey, if there's
anything I can do to make you happy,
tell me." The preacher answered,
"You know, dear, there's that box in
the kitchen cabinet with what you
always called "your little secret" in it
and you said you never would want
me to open it as long as you lived.
Now that I'm about to go home to be
with the Lord, why don't you show me
what's in that secret box of yours?"
The preacher's wife got out the box
and opened the lid. It contained
$100,000 and three eggs. "What are
those eggs doing in the box?" the
preacher asked. "Well, Honey," she
replied, "every time your sermon was
really bad I put an egg in the box."
Now the preacher had been
preaching for over forty years, and
seeing only three eggs in that old
shoe box, he started to feel very
proud about himself and it warmed
his soul. "And what about that
$100.000?"" he asked. "Oh, you see,"
she whispered softly, "every time
there were a dozen eggs in the box,
I ..sold them." ShoemakerA man goes out of prison after twenty
years. He decides to go back to the
neighborhood where he lived. When
he gets there he cannot recognize
the place. Everything has changed a
lot. The places he used to visit have
all disappeared. Even the pub has
disappeared. He is very tired and
would like to have something to eat.
He goes into a small café and has a
coffee and a sandwich. When he
takes out his wallet he finds a
shoemaker ticket in it. He then
remembers that the last thing he had
done before being arrested was to
take a pair of shoes to the
shoemaker's. He decides to go there
and try. What a wonderful thing! The
shoemaker is still at the same place.
He gets into the shop and tells the
shoemaker that about twenty years
before he had left him a pair of shoes
to have them repaired. The
shoemaker has a look at the ticket
and says: "O.K. Come back tomorrow.
They will be ready then." Some things
never change. The centipedeOne Saturday afternoon the
grasshopper, the snail, and the
centipede were sitting around the
grasshopper's house drinking beer.
They ran out of beer before they
were ready to quit drinking, so they
decided one of them should go out
for more beer. The snail said, "I'd go,
but I'm kind of slow. Besides,
Grasshopper, this is your
neighborhood so you know where to
go." The grasshopper said, "I don't
mind going, but my hopping will
shake up the beer and we'll get
sprayed every time we open one." So
they decided to send the centipede;
and the grasshopper explained how
to get to the nearest liquor store. An
hour or so passed and still the
centipede hadn't returned, so the
snail and the grasshopper decided to
go look for him. They got as far as
the front door and found the
centipede sitting there putting on his
shoes. PandaA panda bear walks into a restaurant.
He orders the special and eats it.
After eating, he pulls out a pistol, kills
the waiter and starts to walk out the
door. The owner of the restaurant
says, "Hey, what are you doing? You
come in here, you kill my waiter and
walk away without saying a word. I
don't understand." The panda says,
"Look it up in the dictionary," and
walks out the door. So the owner gets
out a dictionary and looks under the
heading "Panda".
It reads: panda black and white
animal; lives in central China; eats
shoots and leaves.Lost watchOne night a man came upon a boy looking for something under a streetlight. The man asked the boy what he had lost. The boy said that he had lost his watch. Since it was obviously not there, the man asked the boy if he was sure that he had lost his watch in that spot. The boy said that he had lost the watch at another place, farther down the street. The man then asked the boy why he was looking for the watch under the streetlight. The boy replied, "Well, sir, the light is much better here."Grandfather clockA man was carrying a grandfather clock through the streets of the city. He was obviously doing it with a lot of difficulty. Finally, another man came up to him and asked, "Pardon me, it's none of my business, but don't you think a wristwatch would be far simpler?"Different answersAs I was walking along a street in a small town a man came up to me and asked, "What time is it? I looked at my watch and answered, "It's five o'clock." "I must be going crazy," said the man. "All day long I keep getting different answers."BrokenThe policeman rang the doorbell, not knowing quite how he was going to break the news. The door opened and a woman stood there gazing
anxiously into the policeman's eyes. "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your husband's new watch is broken." "Broken?" she said. "How did it happen?" The policeman replied, "A piano fell on him"Eight and eightThere once was a very large lady in our
town. She wore a dress size 16. I knew
her when she was young, but she had a
much smaller size.
Why do you think she is now wearing a
size 16?
I guess she just 8 + 8 (ate and ate). Cousin JackI was arrested at the airport. Just because
I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud. Speaking dogTwo friends meet and one of them says:”
I’ve taught my dog how to speak
English!" "That's impossible", says the
other man.” Dogs don't speak!" "It's true!
I'll show you." He turns to his dog, "How's
the situation in England?" The dog
answers: "Rough, rough." TenseOne day an English grammar teacher was
looking ill. A student asked, "What's the
matter?" "Tense," answered the teacher,
describing how he felt. The student
paused, then continued, "What was the
matter? What has been the matter? What
might have been the matter... ?" The weather reportTeacher: Rumiko, be careful your purse is
open. Someone might take your money!
Rumiko: Oh, no. I left it open so I can get
more money.
Teacher: How can you get more money?
Rumiko: The weather report said we
would have some change in our weather! I love you too!Boyfriend: What is your favorite music
group?
Girlfriend: I love U2!
Boyfriend: I love you too, but what is your
favorite music group?
New cemetery
I hear this new cemetery is very popular.
People are just dying to get in.
New job
A: How do you like your new job at the
cemetery?
B: I quit after a week. I found the work
too frustrating.
A: What happened?
B: No matter what I said to the
customers, they were always dead right!
Big elephants
If big elephants have big trunks, do small
elephants have suitcases?
What a cool beach!
There is a California dude going through a
desert. He's wearing shorts, sunglasses, a
towel and listening to music on his
walkman. He's having a good time.
Suddenly he sees a caravan
approaching. He stops the Arabs and
asks them cheerfully: "Hey dudes
how far the sea is?" They look at each
other and say: "Two thousand miles!"
And he says: "Wow what a cool
beach!!!"
New ideas
Company director to board chairman:
If any new ideas come up while I am
out of the meeting for a brief
telephone call, my vote is ‘No.’
Shadow
My boss is so unpopular even his own
shadow refuses to follow him.
Vegetarians
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what
do humanitarians eat?
Driveway
Why do we park our car in the
driveway and drive our car on the
parkway?
Out to Lunch
A man entered a crowded restaurant
and found a seat in the corner. A
waitress handed him a menu and left
to take care of other customers who
were in a hurry. After a long interval
the waitress suddenly remembered
the man in the corner and hurried
over to take his order. He was gone,
but propped up against his empty
water glass was this sign, scrawled
on a piece of note paper: ‘Out to
Lunch.’
The blind carpenter
Did you hear about the blind
carpenter who picked up his hammer
and saw?
Deaf shepherd
Did you hear about the deaf
shepherd who gathered his flock and
heard?
Piano
Wife – Doctor; doctor, my husband's
broken his leg,
Doctor - But madam, I'm a doctor of
music.
Wife - That's all right, it was the piano
that fell on him!
Nuisance
Boastful angler -I once had a three
hour fight with a salmon.
Bored friend -Yes, tin openers can be
a nuisance at times.
Gold
Teacher -What happens to gold when
it is exposed to the air?
Smiffy -It's stolen!
Dentist
Smiffy -I went to the dentist
yesterday.
Toots -Does your tooth still hurt?
Smiffy –I don't know. The dentist kept
it.
Neither do I
Danny -What has ten legs, a yellow
back, a green eye and a long, homed
tail?
Cuthbert -I don't know.
Danny -Neither do I, but I've just seen
one swimming in your soup!
Calendar
Speaker -How long have I been
speaking? I haven't got a watch with
me.
Danny -There's a calendar behind
you.
Punch
Headmaster (to boy who has been
fighting) -You should be ashamed of
yourself. You shouldn't hurt a hair of
your friend's head.
Boy - I didn't. I punched him on the
nose.
Sports car
Lawyer -So you want me to defend
you? Have you any money?
The accused -No, but I have a sports
car.
Lawyer -Well, you can raise some
money on that. Now, what are you
accused of stealing?
The accused -A sports car.
Broke
What does a frog with no money say?
Broke!Broke!
Date
Smiffy -What is the date?
Toots -I dunno. Why don't you look at
that newspaper that's on the table.
Smiffy -Oh, that's no use -it's
yesterday's.
Rhinoceros
Teacher (after a lesson about a
rhinoceros) -Now, tell me something
that has a big horn and is very
dangerous?
Smiffy -A motor car.
Pickpocket
Mac -Can I see that new device of
yours for preventing the theft of a
watch?
Jock -I can’t show you it, it was stolen
from me yesterday by a pickpocket.
Nice face
Mother- What? You've been fighting with
Billy Biggs? I thought he was a peaceable
child. He had such a nice face, too.
Freddie -Well, he hasn't now.
Beekeeper
Tourist -Hey! One of your bees stung me.
What are you going to do about it?
Beekeeper -Sorry. Just tell me which one
did it, and I'll punish him.
Shame
Librarian -Please be quiet, Tim. Those
people beside you can’t read!
Tim -They should be ashamed of
themselves! I've been able to read since I
was six!
Reading
Mother -Dennis, what are you reading?
Dennis -I don't know, Mum.
Mother -But you were reading aloud.
Dennis -I know, but I wasn't listening.
Birthday
Mc Graw -How old is old Archie?
Mc Gill –I dunno, but everybody was
overcome by the heat from his candles at
his last birthday party.
Football
Frankie -Please, Mrs. Smart, is Bobby
coming out to play?
Mrs. Smart -No, Frankie, it's too wet.
Frankie -Well, is his football coming out,
then?
Subtraction
Judge -You are sentenced to ten years'
imprisonment. Have you anything to add?
Prisoner -No, but I'd like to subtract.
History
Smiffy -I wish I'd lived at the very
beginning of the world.
Toots -Why?
Smiffy -Because I wouldn't have had to
learn history .
Letter
Mum -What are you doing, Tommy?
Tommy –I’m writing a letter to my sister.
Mum -Don't, be silly, you can't write.
Tommy -That doesn't matter, she can’t
read.
Sausage
Patient -Doctor, my family think I'm a
little odd.
Doctor -Why?
Patient -Because I like sausages.
Doctor -Nonsense. I like sausages too.
Patient -You do? You must come
round to see my collection. I have
hundreds.
Help
Auntie -Do you ever help your little
brother Andrew?
Andrew -Yes, Auntie, I helped him to
spend the five pounds you gave him
yesterday!
Manager
The new bank clerk's hobby is
climbing trees.
He must want to be a branch
manager!
The Invisible Man
Knock, knock !
Who's there?
The Invisible Man.
Tell him I can’t see him at the
moment!
Sudden storm
Captain - Let's find out just how much
you know about a boat. What would
you do if a sudden storm sprang up
on the starboard?
Danny - Throw out the anchor.
Captain - What would you do if
another storm sprang up aft?
Danny - Throw out another anchor.
Captain - And if another storm sprang
up forward, what would you do?
Danny - Throw out another anchor.
Captain - Hold on. Where are you
getting all your anchors from?
Danny -From the same place you 're
getting your storms.
Teaching
Gamekeeper -Don't you know you're
not allowed to fish here?
Sandy -I'm not fishing. I'm teaching a
worm to swim!
Detective
Waiter -How did you find your steak?
Diner -Easy. I'm a detective!
Leading
Tim -My Dad's got a leading position
in a circus!
Tom -Gosh! What does he do?
Tim -He leads the elephants!
Population
Teacher (in a Glasgow school) -Do
you know the population of Glasgow?
Jimmy -Not all of them. I've only been
here a week!
Lift boy
Freddie -My brother has taken up
French, Italian, Spanish and Greek.
Old man -Goodness! What does he
do?
Freddie -He's a lift boy.
Talkative
Teacher -Dennis, what do we call a
person who is very talkative, yet
uninteresting?
Dennis -A teacher.
No bottom
An absent-minded professor went
into a shop to buy a jar. Seeing one
upside down, he said, '' How stupid,
this jar has no mouth! '' Turning it
over, he was more astonished. ''Why,
there's no bottom in it, either! ''
Little patient
Patient -Doctor, doctor, I think I'm
shrinking!
Doctor -Well, you'll just have to be a
little patient.
Nationality
When did the Scottish potato change
its nationality?
When it became a French fry!
See you!
Two flies were on Robinson Crusoe's
head. ''Goodbye for now,” said one. “
I’ll see you on Friday!”
Miracle
Angler - Is this stream private?
Passer-by - No, sir.
Angler - Then it won't be a crime if I
land any fish?
Passer-by - No, it'll be a miracle.
Golden
Customer -You said this parrot was
worth its weight in gold and yet it
won't talk!
Pet shop owner -Well, silence is
golden, isn't it?
Horseshoe
Bobby -I found a horseshoe this
morning.
Mother -Do you know what that
means?
Bobby -Yes, it means that some horse
is running around in his bare feet.
The biggest potato
What's the biggest potato in the
world?
A hippopotatomus.
Hearing aid
Man -How much do I owe you for my
new hearing aid?
Shopkeeper -Forty pounds.
Man -Did you say fifty pounds?
Shopkeeper -No, sixty pounds.
Glasses
Doctor -You will only have to wear these
glasses at your work.
Patient -That's impossible.
Doctor -Why?
Patient -I'm a boxer.
Antique
Owner of an old car -Someone has stolen
my car.
Friend -These antique collectors will stop
at nothing.
Wallpaper
Shopper -Can I stick this wallpaper on
myself?
Shopkeeper -Yes, but it would look better
on the wall.
Brown
Jones -What sort of fellow is Brown?
Smith -Well, if ever you see two men
speaking and one looks bored to death,
the other is Brown.
Four eggs
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Four eggs.
Four eggs, who?
For example!
Guilty
Butcher -Have you tried our sausages,
madam ?
Customer -Yes, and found them guilty!
Lion-tamer
Visitor -You're a very small man to be a
lion-tamer.
Lion-tamer -Yes, but that's the secret of
my success. The lions are waiting for me
to grow bigger.
Bean soup
Diner -Waiter, what on earth is this in my
bowl?
Waiter -It's bean soup.
Diner -I don't care what it's been, what is
it now?
Parachutes
A parachute firm advertised -No one has
ever complained of one of our parachutes
not opening!
Lunch break
Clerk -My salary is so small, sir, that I
can't afford lunch.
Boss -Then from tomorrow we will cut out
your lunch break.
Patience
Angler -You've been watching me for
three hours. Why don’t you try fishing
yourself?
Smiffy -No, I don’t have the patience.
Which one?
Patient -I keep seeing double, doctor.
Doctor -Lie down on the couch then.
Patient -Which one?
Annoyed dog
Visitor -What's wrong with that dog of
yours? Every time I take a drink of
water he growls.
Tommy -Oh, he won't bother you.
He's just annoyed because you're
drinking out of his cup.
Competition
Prison visitor -And what brought you
here?
Prisoner -Competition.
Prison visitor -Competition?
Prisoner -Yes, I made the same kind
of banknotes as the Government.
Occupation
Doctor -What you need is a change of
occupation. Your present job seems
to be making you unhappy. What do
you do ?
Patient -I'm a joke writer
First-class
Diner -Is this a first-class restaurant?
Waiter -Yes, but we don't mind
serving you!
Rheumatism
Tourist -Is this part of the country
good for rheumatism ?
Old man -Yes! I got mine here.
Wood pigeon
Customer -What kind of bird is this,
waiter?
Waiter -It's a wood pigeon, sir.
Customer -I thought so -would you
bring me a saw?
How far?
Miss Screecher -I'm going away to
study singing.
Neighbor -Good! How far away?
Popular
Old lady (at concert) -Is that a
popular song he's singing?
Old man -It was before he sang it!
Which one?
Auntie -If your mother gave you a
large apple and a small apple and
told you to give one to your brother,
would you give him?
Nephew -Do you mean my big
brother or my small brother?
Fairy-tale
Patient –Doctor, doctor, I swallowed a
fairy-tale book yesterday.
Doctor -Sit down and tell me the
whole story.
Dog family
Teacher -Name four members of the
dog family, Joe.
Joe -There's Mummy dog, Daddy dog,
Sister dog and Brother dog!
Four
Uncle –Why are they looking so
worried about, Jack?
Young Nephew -Well, yesterday my
teacher said two and two are four,
and today Dad said one and three are
four, and I don 't know which to
believe
Promise
Hotel manager -Rooms overlooking
the sea cost 5 Dollars extra.
Miser -How much does it cost if I
promise not to look?
A black eye
Teacher –If you had twelve sweets,
and Johnny took half, what would he
have?
Tiffany -A black eye !
On fire
Fireman -Hey! Come on! Can't you
see your house is on fire?
Patient -Can't help it. The doctor told
me not to leave my bed for two days.
Early rise
Youth -Shall I have a chance of an
early rise in this job?
Boss -Most certainly! Six o'clock
every morning.
Not one
Boss -I want a man who is clever,
hard-working and punctual.
Lazy Larry -You don’t want one man,
you want three.
How much?
Teacher - If you had two pounds and
you asked your dad for another two
pounds, how much money would you
have ?
Johnny -Er ...two pounds, sir.
Always right
Boss -What do you mean by arguing
with that customer? Don’t you know
our rule? The customer is always
right.
Assistant - I know. But he was
insisting that he was wrong.
Bring it back
Flying instructor –If anything goes wrong,
leap out of the plane and pull the cord of
the parachute.
Cadet -Supposing the parachute doesn't
open?
Flying instructor -Bring it back and I'll
give you another.
Correction
Pupil -I can't read this correction of yours,
sir.
Teacher -It says, ''You must write more
clearly!'
Peacemaker
Jack -Please, sir, I stopped a fight.
Teacher -That's right, always be a
peacemaker. How did you stop them?
Jack -I punched them both.
Boat
Novice (hiring boat) -I've no watch so I
hope I shall know when my hour is up.
Boatman -Oh, yes, you know by the
water. The boat fills up to the seat in
about an hour and a half.
Too fast
Farmer -Did you count the pigs this
morning, Paddy?
Paddy -I counted nineteen, but one ran so
fast that I couldn't count him at all.
Slow - motion
Patient -How much is it to have a tooth -
extracted?
Dentist -Thirty pounds.
Patient -What! For three seconds' work?
Dentist -All right, I'll take it out in slow -
motion.
I forgot
Mother -Why are you jumping up and
down, Minnie?
Minnie -It's all right, Mother. I forgot to
shake my medicine before I took it, so I'm
doing it now.
A pound coin
Willie -I lost a pound coin this morning,
Tim.
Tim -Hole in your pocket?
Willie -No, the man who dropped it heard
it fall.
Funeral
Old man (entering office) -There is a boy,
John McNab, working here. May I see
him? I'm his grandfather
Clerk- You're just too late, sir. He's gone
to your funeral.
Woodpecker
Bore -Yes, I'm very fond of birds.
Yesterday one actually settled on my
head.
Fed-up listener -It must have been a
woodpecker.
It isn't enough
Gentleman -Now, what ought you to
say to a gentleman who gives you
fifty pence for carrying his bag?
Tim -It isn't enough these days.
Next race
Defeated jockey -Well, anyhow, I
wasn't last. There were two horses
behind me.
Disgusted owner -Rats! Those were
the first two in the next race.
Pet cat
Fireman -At one fire, I saved ten lives.
Smith -And who were they?
Fireman -A child and her pet cat.
Appetite
Auntie -Why are you eating those
cakes so quickly, Smiffy?
Smiffy - I’m afraid that I will lose my
appetite before I’m finished.
Gladiator
Teacher -Give me a sentence with the
word ''gladiator''.
Pupil -The lion pounced on the
woman and was glad he ate her.
Attention
Employer -Did you put that note
where it would attract Mr. Smith's
attention?
Office boy -Yes, I stuck a pin through
it and put it on his chair.
Back to school
Dentist -Don't cry. The tooth is out.
Harold -I know. I'll have to go back to
school now.
Bike
Dick -Dad, would you like to save
money?
Dad -Yes, of course.
Dick -Then buy me a bike, and I'll not
wear out so many pairs of shoes.
A wish
Tom -lf you had a wish, what would
you wish?
John -lf I had a wish, I'd wish that I'd
get every wish I wished!
Nearest way
Man –Can you tell me the nearest
way to the hospital?
Little boy –I don't know, sir but if you
step in front of that car you'll get
there soon enough.
Stomachache
Jack -When people's teeth ache they
have them filled, don't they?
Mother -Yes.
Jack -Well, my stomach aches. Could I
go along to the sweet shop and get it
filled?
Black cats
Jimmy -Oh, Dad, there's a big black
cat in the kitchen.
Dad -Oh, never mind. Black cats are
lucky.
Jimmy -Yes, this one was. It's just
eaten the fish for your supper.
Motor car
Billy (doing crossword puzzle) -Give
me the name of a motor car that
starts with ''T''.
Friend -Don't be an ass. You know
they all start with petrol.
Sprint
Dennis -Say, Bill, can you sprint very
fast?
Billy -Can I? Why, yesterday l ran
around a half-mile track so fast that
my shadow was just starting out
when I got back.
Two stations before
First passenger -Pardon me, does this
train stop at Paddington ?
Second passenger -Yes, watch me,
and get off two stations before I do.
How do you find?
Landlady -Good morning ! How do
you find yourself?
Lodger -I didn't know I was lost.
Undertaker
Tradesman (loftily) -In twenty years
of business, no customer has ever
complained of my work.
Neighbor -Wonderful! What are you?
Tradesman -An undertaker:
What steps?
Old lady (at the zoo) -Mr. Keeper, if
one of the lions escaped what steps
would you take?
Keeper -The biggest I could!
Too late!
Lady -The watch I told you about
wasn't stolen. I've just found it.
Detective - Too late! We've arrested
the thief.
Frozen
Arctic explorer -It was so cold where
we were that the candle froze and we
couldn't blow it out.
Second explorer -That's nothing!
Where we were the words came out
of our mouths in pieces of ice, and we
had to fry them to see what we were
talking about.
How soon?
Employer -If anyone asks for me, I'll be
back in half an hour.
New office junior -Yes, sir, and how soon
will you be back if no one asks for you?
Gas-pipe
Man (on the telephone) -Hello, gasman,
come at once! There's an awful leak in
our gas-pipe!
Gasman -Have you done anything to it?
Man -Yes, I put a bucket under it.
Whale
Teacher -To what family does the whale
belong?
Smiffy -Don't know, sir. No family in our
neighborhood owns a whale.
Raise
Customer -How much are these chickens?
Farmer -Three pounds.
Customer -Did you raise them yourself?
Farmer -Yes; they were two pounds fifty
pence yesterday .
There wasn't any
Artist (showing a blank canvas) -Look at
that picture of a cow eating grass.
Friend -Where's the grass?
Artist -The cow's eaten it.
Friend -Well, where's the cow?
Artist -Oh, it went away when it saw there
wasn't any more grass to eat.
Marbles
Teacher -Now, Bobby, if six eggs cost
sixty pence, how many would you get for
twenty pence?
Bobby -None.
Teacher -What? Why would you get none?
Bobby -Because I'd buy marbles, miss.
Damp climate
Teacher -What are raised in damp
climates?
Schoolboy -Umbrellas, sir.
Advertising
First jeweler -I have had it proved to me
that advertising brings results.
Second jeweler -How ?
First Jeweler -Yesterday, I advertised for a
night watchman, and during the night my
shop was burgled.
So cool
Listener -Did you keep cool when
confronted by the bear?
Explorer –Rather, I was so cool that my
teeth chattered.
Taste much better
Auntie -Why don't you eat your
sweets, Jimmy?
Jimmy -I'm waiting for Jack Smith to
come along. Sweets taste much
better if there's another boy looking
on.
Salmon
Angler -Have you any salmon?
Village storekeeper -No, but I have
some excellent pork pies.
Angler -Don't be an ass! How could a
fellow go home and say he's caught a
couple of pork pies?
The best time
Teacher -When is the best time to
gather fruit?
Roger -Please, sir, when the dog is
tied up.
Who was to blame?
Motorist -I had the right of way when
this man ran into me and yet you say
I was to blame.
Constable -You certainly were.
Motorist -Why?
Constable -Because his brother is the
Lord Mayor; his father is chief of
police, and I'm engaged to his sister
Sir
Teacher (to new boy) -What's your
name, my little fellow?
New boy -Jimmy Brown.
Teacher -Always say ''sir'' when you
are speaking to a teacher. Now,
what's your name?
New boy -Sir Jimmy Brown.
Cake
I wonder if there is any kind of cake
you don’t like ?
Wee Jock -Yes, stomachache!
On page 121
History teacher -Where did King
William die?
Pupil -On page 121 sir.
Brave boy
Boy (with pal at dentist's) -Please, I
want a tooth out, and I don't want an
anesthetic, because I'm in a hurry.
Dentist -That's a brave boy. Which
tooth is it?
Boy -Show him your tooth, Albert.
Revenge
Binks -I am sorry my hen got out and
scraped up your garden.
Jinks -That's all right. My dog ate your
hen.
Binks -That's all right, too. I've just
run over your dog.
It works
Uncle -Were you pleased with the
drum I sent you for your birthday?
Nephew -Yes, very much, Uncle.
Mother gives me five pounds every
week not to use it.
Good news
Small brother -The skateboard you
left under the park seat yesterday
has been found.
Big brother -Good news! Who has it?
Small brother -I don't know, but it's
been found. I looked, and it isn't
there now.
Real donkey
Auntie -Well, how did you enjoy the
ride on Uncle's shoulders?
Minnie -Oh, it was quite nice, but I
had a ride on a yesterday.
Disappearance
Manager -I'm afraid that fellow I gave
a job to last week is dishonest.
Assistant -You shouldn't judge by
appearances.
Manager -I'm not, I'm judging by
disappearances.
Unlucky
Jones -I have been born unlucky.
Friend -Why?
Jones -Well, I was at a football match,
and there were twenty-two players
and a referee on the field, about ten
thousand spectators in the ground,
and the ball hit me.
Familiar
Jackson -I think we met in this
restaurant last month. Your coat
seems familiar to me.
Johnson -But I didn't have this
overcoat last month.
Jackson -No, but I did.
Fried egg
Friend -I could eat that fried egg, it
looks so real.
Artist -Fried egg! That's a sunset I've
painted.
Don't worry
Water, waiter, there's a fly in this
soup! Don't worry, sir. It won't drink
much!
Broken ladder
Boy (to neighbor) -Father's sent me
back with your ladder. He's broken it,
and he hopes you'll have it mended
quickly because he wants to borrow it
again next week.
Remember
Father -Why were you kept in at
school?
Jimmy –I didn't know where the Nile was.
Father (angrily ) -In future, you must
remember where you put things.
No need to hurry
Hotel manager -Are you the gentleman
who wanted to be awakened to catch the
early train?
Hotel guest -Yes.
Hotel manager -Then you can go back to
sleep, you've missed it.
Return ticket
McTavish (victim of shipwreck) -Well, it
might have been worse.
McTaggart (also a victim) -Yes, we might
have bought a return ticket.
Brotherly love
Teacher -if I saw a boy beating a donkey,
and I stopped him, what virtue should I be
showing ?
Plug -Brotherly love, sir
Bring another
Diner -Waiter, this soup isn't fit for a pig.
Waiter - Sorry, sir, I’ll take it away and
bring some that is.
Replacement
Customer –Didn’t you claim when you
sold me this car that you'd replace
anything that was broken or was missing?
Car salesman -Yes, sir. What is it?
Customer -Well, I want four front teeth
and a collar bone!
Scars
Barber -Have I shaved you before?
Customer -No. I got these scars in the
war.
Present
Bloggs -You should think of the future.
Noggs -I can't. It's my wife's birthday, and
I’m thinking of the present.
Zoo imitation
Singer -I'm afraid I wasn't singing very
well tonight.
Wireless announcer -Oh, that's all right.
You were announced as zoo imitations.
It’s here
Stranger -Boy, where does this road go
to?
Dimwit -I don't think it goes anywhere.
It's here every morning.
Turtle soup
Gent -Waiter I've been waiting half an
hour for my turtle soup!
Waiter -Well, sir; you know how slow
turtles are!
How many?
Circus manager -What's the matter
with your hand?
New lion tamer -I put it in the lion’s
mouth to see how many teeth he
had, am he shut it to see how many
fingers I had.
Superstitious
Terry -Are you superstitious ?
Jerry -Not at all.
Terry -Well, lend me thirteen pounds.
Like a horse
Artist -I've been working like a horse
all day.
Friend -How?
Artist -I've been drawing a cart!
Mash them
Teacher -If I had ten potatoes to
share equally among four boys, how
would I do it?
Sidney -Mash them, sir.
Bridge
Train guard -Keep your head inside
the window there.
Passenger -Why?
Train guard -Because we don't want
any of our bridges damaged.
Mistake
Teacher -Aren't you sorry you hit
Timmy under the chin? I’m sure it
was a mistake.
Jimmy -Yes, miss; I meant to bash
him on the nose.
Missed
Angry man -I'll teach you to hit our
cat with stones!
Tommy -I wish you would sir. I’ve had
ten shots, and missed each time.
Boots
Briggs -Did you tell Jiggs that I had
the biggest feet you had ever seen ?
Griggs -No, I just said that if you took
off your boots you would be half-
undressed.
Stranger
Small boy -Is that the sun or the
moon up there?
Dimwit -Sorry, I don't know. I’m a
stranger to this place.
You’d better
Villager -Are you painting those trees,
sir?
Artist -I am; but it's no business of
yours. Get on with your work instead
of interrupting mine.
Villager -Well, my work is to chop
them down. So you'd better hurry up
with your painting.
Referee
Boss (finding office boy watching
football match) -So this is your
uncle's funeral, Tommy?
Tommy (after some quick thinking) -
Looks like it, sir. He's the referee.
How terrible!
Boastful explorer -And there we stood
- the tiger and myself in the thick of
the jungle, face to face!
Listener -How terrible it must have
been for both of you!
Extravagant
Green -You're getting extravagant.
Why did you tip the waiter five
pounds?
Brown -Hush, man! He gave me ten
pounds too much in change.
Charge
Bald man (in barber's chair) -Don't
you think I should get some
reduction? There's very little hair to
cut.
Barber -Oh no, in your case we don’t
charge for cutting your hair: We
charge for having to search for it.
Lecture
Professor Crumb -What struck you
most at my lecture last night?
Professor Noodle -A bad egg that was
meant for you.
What else?
Professor (to student) -What are you
laughing at? Me?
Student -Oh, no, sir!
Professor (absently) -Then what else
is there in this room to laugh at?
Our kettle
Mother -I'll teach you to tie a kettle to
the cat's tail!
Small boy -it wasn't our cat.
Mother -No, but it was our kettle.
Late again
Boss (as Jenkins comes in half an
hour late) -Late again! Jenkins -So am
I!
Fortune-teller
Diner -Waiter, there's a fly at the
bottom of my cup. What does it
mean?
Waiter -Sorry, sir. I’m a waiter, not a
fortune-teller.
Long wait
Grocer -What was that woman
complaining about?
Assistant -Because she had a long
wait.
Grocer -Humph ! Some people are
never pleased. She was complaining
about the short weight yesterday.
Quiet
Mother -I am glad you are keeping quiet
boys, while Dad's having his nap.
Bill- Yes, Mum, we're watching his cigar
burn down to his fingers.
Fine for rats
Customer -You said that this dog was fine
for rats. Why, it won't even go near them!
Shopkeeper -Well, that's fine for the rats,
isn't it?
Zebra
Teacher -What is a zebra?
Bobby -A donkey wearing a football
jersey.
Train
Passenger -Do I take this train to Leeds?
Guard -No. Get in, and it will take you.
Any change?
Bill -So you've got back from your
holiday. Any change?
Jim -Not a penny.
My shoes
Dennis -What would you do if you were in
my shoes?
Walter -Clean them.
Saxophone
Jones -I thought you hated the
saxophone?
Bones -I do.
Jones -Then why did you buy your son
one?
Bones -Because I hate the neighbors
more.
Standing
Tourist (to policeman with extra large
feet) -Can you tell me where Trafalgar
Square is?
Policeman -Yes, I’m standing on it.
Tourist -No wonder I couldn't find it.
Advert
Toots -Are you still looking for your dog?
Smiffy -Yes.
Toots -Why don't you put an advert in the
paper?
Smiffy -What's the use? The dog can't
read!
Old-fashioned
Manager -Henry, you wear a very old-
fashioned coat in the office.
Henry -Yes, it is a bit out of date. I bought
it the last time I got a rise.
Punch
Graham -Where is he? I'll punch his head.
Gordon -I've just punched his head.
Early
Mike -Do you rise early?
Millie -Early? If I rose much earlier I'd
meet myself going to bed.
Submarine
Sailor -I joined the navy to see the world.
Gentleman -Did you see it?
Sailor -No, they put me in a
submarine.
New sailor
Captain (to new sailor) -Now what is
the first thing you do when you fall
into the sea?
New sailor -Get wet.
Present tense
Teacher -Tommy, do you know the
present tense of knew?
Tommy -No, sir
Teacher -Correct.
Brakes
Passenger (in taxi) -There's only one
thing I worry about in a car, and
that's the brakes.
Taxi driver -Then you've nothing to
worry about, sir, this car hasn’t got
any.
Clock
Agent -You want your office furniture
insured against theft?
Manager -Yes, all except the clock;
everybody watches it.
Goldfish
Mother -Have you given the goldfish
some fresh water this morning,
Smiffy?
Smiffy -No, Mum, they haven't drunk
the water I gave them last week.
Warm reception
Billy -My father gets a warm
reception wherever he goes.
Tommy -He must be very popular
Billy -No, it's not that. You see, he's a
fireman.
Watch
Danny -Does your watch tell you the
'time?
Smiffy -No; I have to look at it.
Sudden stop
Old man (to bricklayer) -Did your fall
hurt you?
Bricklayer -No, it was the sudden stop
that was most painful.
Sycamore
Nature lover (gazing at tree) -Oh,
great oak tree, if you could only
speak, what would you say to me ?
Gardener -if you please, sir; it would
say it was a sycamore, not an oak.
The weather
John -Stop rubbing your hands like
that. The weather isn't cold.
Jim - I’m not trying to warm the
weather. I’m trying to warm my
hands.
Bright boy
Teacher -That boy of yours seems
bright. He'll carve out a name for
him- self some day.
Father -He's done it already -on our
new piano!
Famine
Stout man -You look as if there's
been a famine.
Thin man -And you look as if you’d
caused it.
Melon
A boastful American walked up to a
British fruit seller's stall and picked
up a large melon.
''Is that the largest apple you fellows
can grow over here?'' he asked.
''Put that grape down!'' snapped the
fruit seller.
Lift
Hotel guest -I tell you I won't have
this room! I’m not going to pay good
money for such a small room. You
think that just because I am from the
country...
Bellboy -Step in, sir. This isn't your
room. It's the lift.
Centimetre
Teacher -Give me a sentence with the
word ''centimetre'' in it.
Wilfrid -My aunt arrived yesterday,
and I was centimetre.
Father
Old man -Your father is entirely bald,
isn't he, Jack?
Jack -Yes, I am the only heir he has
left.
Dictionary
Angry customer -I can't find words to
express my feelings towards you.
Smart assistant -That's all right, sr.
We I sell dictionaries here.
Spider
Diner -Waiter, there's a fly in my
soup.
Waiter -Catch it yourself. I’m not a
spider.
Dirty face
Mother- Johnny, Auntie won't kiss you
with a dirty face like that.
Johnny -That's what I thought.
Unconscious
Lazy Len -I had a fall last night which
rendered me unconscious for six
hours.
Weary Willie -Really! Where did you I
fall?
Lazy Len -I fell asleep.
Idiot
Boss -Now, my boy, are you boss of
this business or not?
Office boy -No, sir
Boss -Then don't talk like an idiot!
Steak
Diner –Waiter! This steak is only half
the size of the one I had yesterday.
Waiter -But you're not sitting beside
the window today, sir.
Parrot
Terry -How is it you know all about
the Smiths' private affairs?
Jerry -We looked after their parrot
during the summer holidays.
Trousers
Sergeant -What was all that noise you
were making in the dormitory last night?
Private -I was only dragging Brown's
trousers about the room, sir.
Sergeant -Surely that wouldn't make all
that noise?
Private -But Brown was in them, sir.
Stars
Teacher (giving astronomy lesson) - Now,
Bobby, give me the names of some stars.
Bobby (brightly) -Football or film, sir?
Tomorrow
Diner -Do you see that waiter over there?
They call him ''Tomorrow''.
Friend -Why ?
Diner -Because he never comes.
You saw first
Teacher (pointing to a sweet wrapper on
the floor) Wilfrid, is this yours?
Wilfrid -Not at all, sir. You saw it first.
Underground
Teacher- Tell me, Dennis, who first
invented underground tunnels?
Dennis -The worms, sir
River
Teacher -Now, Danny, do this subtraction
mentally. Six of your friends went to the
river, but two had been told not to go into
the water. Now tell me how many
bathed?
Danny (promptly) –Six, sir.
Vacuum cleaner
Mum -Goodness, Minnie, where's the
canary?
Minnie -I dunno, Mum. It was there when I
started cleaning its cage with the vacuum
cleaner.
Cheer up
Election candidate -Really, gentlemen.
With all this uproar, I can hardly hear
myself speak.
Critic -Well, cheer up! You aren’t missing
much!
Position
Uncle -Are you able to keep your position
in class?
Smiffy - Certainly! I started at the bottom,
and no one has been able to take my
place from me.
Pure milk
Customer -Are you sure your milk is pure?
Milkman -Oh, yes. Every drop of water we
put in is filtered.
Luggage
Roger -How much will it cost to take me
and my luggage right to my door?
Taxi driver –Five pounds. The luggage
goes for nothing.
Roger -Right! Take my luggage and I'll
walk.
Lemonade
Old man -What are you digging for
Johnny?
Johnny -Lemonade. Teacher says that
minerals are found in the earth.
Ten pound note
Customer -Let me see. How much do
you want for that dog?
Dealer -Forty pounds.
Customer -I thought you said thirty
yesterday?
Dealer -Yes, but he swallowed a ten
pound note last night.
Death scene
Actor -Did you see the audience cry
when I played the death scene?
Critic -Yes, they knew you weren't
really dead.
Dark clouds
Fortune-teller -Do not worry, the dark
clouds will soon roll by.
Old gent -Look here, I want to know
my fortune, not the weather forecast.
Wake up!
Theatre producer -Couldn't the villain
shoot himself instead of taking
poison?
Writer -Why?
Theatre producer -Well, the bang
would wake the audience up.
Rescue
Diner -Hey, waiter, there's a fly in my
soup.
Waiter -Well, you don't want me to
jump in and rescue it, do you?
Wasp
Teacher -Do you know, Billy, that a
grasshopper is so strong that it can
jump a hundred times its own length?
Billy -Why, that's nothing. I once saw
a wasp lift a twelve-stone man two
feet into the air.
Operation
Visitor to hospital -Have you been
under an operation?
Patient -No, under a car
The hardest work
Roger -I always do my hardest work
before breakfast.
Dad -What's that? Roger -Getting up.
Fraud
Jones -Who was that man you just
raised your hat to?
Bones -Oh, that was my barber. He
sold me a bottle of hair restorer a
month ago, and whenever I meet him
I let him see what a fraud he is.
The mayor
Smiffy's dad -Would you be good
enough to look after my car, please?
Mayor -Sir, I’m the mayor of the
town!
Smiffy -That doesn’t matter. You look
honest enough.
Asylum
A passenger in an aero plane was far
up in the sky when the pilot began to
laugh hysterically.
Passenger -What's the joke?
Pilot -I'm thinking what they'll say at
the asylum when they find out I have
escaped!
Any goals?
Visitor -Do you ever score any goals?
Local -Dunno. I've only watched them
for two seasons.
Poetry
Poet -So you think I ought to give up
writing poetry?
Editor -No, you ought to begin.
Color-blind
Mr. White -Excuse me, sir are you Mr.
Green?
Mr. Brown -No, sir I'm Mr. Brown.
Mr. White -A thousand pardons! You
see, I'm color-blind.
Foreman
Boss -Has the foreman told you what
to do?
New watchman -Yes; I've to wake him
up when the boss comes.
Potato
Mr. Smith -Your son threw a potato at
me.
Mr. Jones -Did it hit you?
Mr. Smith -No.
Mr. Jones -Then it wasn't my son.
Underwater
Father -Well, Alfie, what were your
end-of-term marks like?
Alfie -Underwater!
Father -What do you mean?
Alfie -Below ''C'' level! The donkey braysOne day a friend visited Hodja and said "Hodja, I want to borrow your donkey." "I'm sorry," replied Hodja, "but I've already lent it to someone else." As soon as he said this, the donkey brayed."But Hodja, I can hear the donkey! It's in the stable!" Shutting the door in his friend's face, Hodja told him with dignity, "A man who believes the word of a donkey above my word doesn't deserve to be lent anything!"
Gruesome
Teacher -Sidney, you give me a
sentence using the word ''gruesome''.
Sidney - Er, my mum's plants grew
some in the past two weeks!
Good cook
Bill (at Scout camp) -Is Jack a good
cook?
Sam -I don 't think so. The last time I
saw him he was trying to open an
egg with a tin-opener!
Hamburger
Boy -Dad, I can't eat this hamburger.
It's awful!
Dad -Shall I call the waiter?
Boy -No, I don't think even he'll be
able to eat it!
None of them
Ian -When I'm grown up, everybody
will be scared of me.
Pa -What'll you be -a boxer or a
wrestler?
Ian - None of them. I'm going to be a
dentist!
Milkman
Teacher -What comes before seven, boy?
Sidney -Er, the milkman!
I could
Teacher -Dennis! You can't sleep in my
class.
Dennis –Please sir, if you didn't talk so
loudly I could.
Inseparable
Jock -Hector and Hamish had a terrible
row last night.
Alec -I thought they were friends?
Jock -That's right. It took six of us to
separate them.
The first rung
Dennis -I fell off a sixty-foot ladder
yesterday.
Minnie -It's a wonder you weren't killed.
Dennis -Not really. I fell off the first rung. The interrupted dreamWhile taking a nap on the porch, one hot summer day, Hodja dreamed that a stranger promised to give him ten pieces of gold. The stranger placed them in Hodja's hand one by one until he reached the tenth piece, which he hesitated to give him."Come on! What are you waiting for?" said Hodja. "You promised me ten!" Just then he woke up. He immediately looked at this hand and saw that it was empty. He quickly shut his eyes again, stretched out his hand and said, "All right, I'll settle for nine!"
Late for school
Smiffy (in bed) -Gosh! It's quarter to
eight! If Mum doesn't wake me up soon
I'll be late for school!
Big fool
Jock -Jamie's not such a big fool as he
used to be.
Alistair - Is he getting wise; then?
Jock -No -thinner
The rest
Dad -How many sums did you have wrong
in your arithmetic test?
Smiffy -One.
Dad -And how many did you have to do?
Smiffy -Twelve.
Dad -So you had eleven right?
Smiffy -No, I didn't do the rest.
Discount
Judge -You've been up before this bench
seven times. I fine you to 20 years.
Prisoner -Can I get a discount for being a
regular customer?
Electricity
Boss -Everything in this office is worked
by electricity.
Office boy -I know, sir. Even the wages
give you a shock! LostOne day Hodja lost his donkey. While looking for it he was also rejoicing. When the people saw him they couldn't figure out why he was so happy. When they asked him the reason, Hodja told them, "I'm happy because I wasn't riding the donkey when it got lost. If I had been, I'd be lost now, too!"
Bad luck
Charlie -Helping Mr. McKay to look for
a five pound note he'd lost.
Mum -Did you have any luck?
Charlie –No, he found it himself.
Supper
Mum -Well, what comes after T?
Angus -Supper.
Last poem
Poet -What do you think of my last
poem?
Editor -Well, I'm glad to hear it's your
last.
Myself
Butler -There's a man wanting to see
you, sir.
Absent-minded professor -Tell him
I’m not in.
Butler -I told him, but he won't go
away, sir.
Absent-minded professor -Oh well, I'd
better go and tell him myself!
Court
Judge -The next person who raises his
voice in this court will be thrown out!
Prisoner -Hip, hip, hooray!
Postcard
Slow waiter -How did you order your
steak, sir?
Weary customer -I ordered it by word
of mouth, but I suppose I ought to
have sent you a postcard two weeks
in advance!
Acrobats
Showman -Two pounds to see the
acrobats. Come along, sonny -only
two pounds.
Davie -I've only got one pound,
mister -but if you let me in, I'll only
open one eye.
One glance
Bill and Bert paid a visit to a court
while a trial was in progress.
Bert -I've no doubt about this case.
One glance at that fellow over there
tells me he's guilty.
Bill -Sssh! That's the judge!
Skunk
What would you get if you crossed a
gorilla with a skunk?
I don't know what you would call it,
but it'd have no trouble getting a seat
on the bus!
Favorite
Teacher -What is your favorite
subject Danny?
Danny -Latin.
Teacher -But you're not learning that.
Danny -I know, that's why it's my
favorite.
Manager
Diner -Look here, this will never do.
That man over there has got much
more to eat than me. Where's the
manager?
Waiter -That man is the manager.
The wrong face
Sergeant (in army camp ) -Why
haven 't you shaved this morning?
Private -Well, there were eight of us
using the same mirror; and I must
have shaved the wrong face.
What a long way
Barney –I was born in New York, but I
went to school in Scotland.
Jock -Gosh, what a long way you had
to go every day!
What hand?
Terry - What hand do you stir your
tea with?
Jerry –I stir mine with a spoon!
Railways
Speaker (after a very boring lecture) -
Now is there anybody who has a
further question to ask about the
railways of Great Britain?
Angus -Yes. What time does your
train leave?
Boot
Why can't a car play football?
Because it's only got one boot!
March! March!
What date is a command to go
forward? March 4th!
The first thing
Teacher -Sarah, what was the first
thing King Richard did on coming to
the throne?
Sarah -He sat down!
Sheep
Tourist -How many sheep do you
have here?
Shepherd -I can't say exactly. Every
time I start to count them, I fall
asleep.
Angry
Teacher -I was very angry yesterday
when I heard a boy snoring during my
lesson.
Pupil- Yes, so was I. The noise woke
me up!
Painted
Jack -Would you please open the gate
for me?
Old man (opening the gate) -Yes, but
why don't you open it yourself?
Jack -Because it's just been painted!
Marbles
Mum -Quick, Garry, run for the
doctor! Baby's swallowed one of your
marbles!
Garry -That's all right. I've got plenty
more!
Marvelous ear
Applicant for a job in a music shop -
I've a marvelous ear for music. I can
pick up anything musical.
Boss -All right. Help me shift this
piano.
Egyptian flu
Did you hear about the pharaoh who
had Egyptian flu?
He caught it from his mummy'!
A cup of coffee
Bobby -Pa, does a cup of coffee do any
harm?
Pa - No, Bobby.
Bobby -That's lucky! I've just spilled one
over your new suit.
Policeman
What do you get if you dial 666?
A policeman standing on his hands!
French
Smith-Did you have much trouble with
your French when you went to Paris?
Adams -No, But the Parisians did!
Twins
Dan -My girlfriend's one of twins.
Dave -How can you tell them apart?
Dan -Her brother's got a beard!
New house
Where does a king go to buy a new
house?
Newcastle!
First day at school
Uncle -How did you like your first day at
school, David?
David -Oh, it wasn't bad, but there was a
big man in front who kept spoiling all the
fun.
Thief
Policeman -This man is charged with
stealing an elephant, sir.
Judge -Search him!
Glasses
Joe -Do your glasses magnify, Mum?
Mum -Yes, Joe.
Joe -Well, please take them off when you
cut me my piece of tart.A bargainThe Hodja always wanted to learn something new, and one day he had a sudden inspiration to learn how to play the lute. He approached a music teacher and asked him, "How much do you charge for private lute lessons?" "Three silver pieces for the first month; after that one silver piece a month." "Oh, great!" exclaimed Hodja. "Then I'll start with the second month."
Seasons
Teacher -How many seasons are there in
the year?
Sandy -Two, sir: football and basketball.
Twenty times
McDonald -I know a man who shaves
more than twenty times a day.
McDougall -Who?
McDonald -A barber.
Flies
Why were the flies playing football on the
saucer?
Because they were playing for the cup!
Get your coat on
What did the big tooth say to the small
tooth? ''Get your coat on, the dentist is
taking us out!''
He forgot
Sister -How did Mum find out you hadn’t
washed yourself?
Brother -I forgot to wet the soap!
I’m glad
Chris – I’m glad I wasn't born in France.
Louise -Why?
Chris - I don't speak French!
Sweater
Farmer -Do you know it takes three
sheep to make a sweater?
City man -Goodness! I didn't even
know sheep could knit!
At nights
Patient -I haven't slept for days!
Doctor -What's the matter?
Patient -Nothing. I sleep at nights! The noiseOne day his neighbors asked Hodja, "We heard some noises in your house last night and we wondered what was happening." Hodja told them, "My cloak fell down the stairs."They replied, "But Hodja, a cloak is just made out of cloth. It couldn't have made that much noise!" Hodja answered impatiently, "Well, I was in it!"Sun and moonHodja entered the tea shop one day and proclaimed profoundly, "The moon is more useful than the sun." "Why, Hodja?" they inquired. "Because we need the light more during the night when it is dark than during the daytime when it is light!"