“Friendship is a deep oneness that develops when two people, speaking the truth in love to one another, journey together to the same horizon.”

― Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God

“[Spiritual friendship] is eagerly helping one another know, serve, love, and resemble God in deeper and deeper ways.”

― Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God

Eugene Peterson's  Leap Over a Wall: Earthly Spirituality for Everyday People is a book about the story and life of David.  One of Peterson's chapters is on the friendship of David and Jonathan. 

He writes, "Friendship forms.  Friendship is a much underestimated aspect of spirituality.  It's every bit as significant as prayer and fasting.  Like the sacramental use of water and bread and wine, friendship takes what is common in human experience and turns it into something holy."

- See more at: http://www.danjbrennan.com/2007/01/eugene_peterson.html#sthash.fiR6NbD9.dpuf

…in which we can learn to live this “life together” in the midst of this individualistic culture is through the practice of friendship. Spiritual friendship does not naturally grow out of the fast-paced, competitive, and isolated lives so many of us live. In reality, our professional priorities and our household busy-ness so often stand against the cultivation of deep friendship.  Yet, as we pay attention to and allow space for the common sharing, honoring, and enjoying of life, something of the Spirit’s nurturing grace is imparted to us. Eugene Peterson insightfully describes our deep need in these days for fellow travelers along way of following Jesus:Each of us has contact with hundreds of people who never look beyond our surface appearance. We have dealings with hundreds of people who the moment they set eyes on us begin calculating what use we can be to them, what they can get out of us. We meet hundreds of people who take one look at us, make a snap judgment, and then slot us into a category so that they won’t have to deal with us as persons. They treat us as something less than we are; and if we’re in constant association with them, we become less. And then someone enters into our life who isn’t looking for someone to use, is leisurely enough to find out what’s really going on in us, is secure enough not to exploit our weaknesses or attack our strengths, recognizes our inner life and understands the difficulty of living out our inner convictions, confirms what is deepest within us. A friend.[i]

The tale of an individual human life is too often told as a sequence of independent and unshared moments. And our hearts cry out. We yearn to know and be known more intimately. We desire deeper, more enduring and meaningful connections. And without these sorts of friendships our good intentions for

spiritual ‘self-improvement’ will not materialize into mature lives of growing up in Christ.  In the 12th century classic Spiritual Friendship, Aelred of Rievaulx remarked, “Friendship heightens the joys of prosperity and mitigates the sorrows of adversity by dividing and sharing them. Hence, the best medicine in life is a friend.” So, with whom are you traveling on this journey of growing up into Christ? Who are the people with whom you are learning to live a life together? Who are your spiritual friends?

[i] Eugene Peterson, Leap over a Wall, (San Francisco, CA: Harper Collins, 1997), 54.

Ecclesiastes #4 “True Friendship In A World Of ‘Friends’ (Ecc. 4:7-12)” Introduction: Things have been pretty depressing up to this point in the book of Ecclesiastes. The teacher has shown how various schemes will never help us to escape the frustration of life, and most of all, the frustration of death. Yet Ecclesiastes still insists that there are better and worse ways to live in this world – it is a wisdom book after all. Ecclesiastes is convinced that there is a judgment day coming when how well we have lived according to the purpose set by our Creator will be assessed. (Ecc. 12:14, the last verse in the book.) And this section on living in relationship and living for others rather than ourselves is right in keeping with our Creator’s design. Since God’s is both Creator and Lawgiver, His law corresponds to our design and so when we break God’s laws they break us – because we are going against the design. We were designed for friendship – not just for lovers, and not just for the companionship that we often label friendship in these true-friend-deprived days. Tim Keller says the most important relationships for the traditional person are their family, for the modern person it is their lovers, and for the postmodern person it is their friends – because their families and lovers have let them down! Ecclesiastes has real wisdom for us about God’s gift of friends in a fallen world. I. Whatever Happened To Real Friendship? When C.S. Lewis wrote “The Four Loves” in 1960 he said in the chapter on friendship that he felt that our modern world had really lost the idea of true friendship, in the sense used by the Greeks, and the Latin poets, and the Puritans (who often prayed that God would give them just one bosom friend), and that “if a man believes (as I do) that the old estimate of friendship was the correct one, he can hardly write a chapter on it except as a rehabilitation.” Thus, he argues strongly that it is not just guys hanging out, nor is it “really” homosexual (i.e. Eros love disguised as friendship love.) Reading Lewis’ chapter on friendship is like remembering something you really loved but had forgotten so thoroughly that you didn’t really know you missed it. Yet, when rediscovered (or more properly when truly discovered), you find that its absence has been manifest in every aspect of your life. Companionship is a poor substitute for true friendship and yet that is what most people settle for, and it is all that most are willing to give. • Friends vs lovers. If two are good Ecclesiastes says, 3 are even better! (Obviously this is talking about friendship rather than marriage – even though many misuse this passage a s a wedding passage.) Yet many of our “friendships” are jealous and exclusive, like little girls who gang up and exclude the 3rd girl saying. “We don’t like you.” Maybe our “friendships” are not real friendships but in actuality are 2 selfish people feeding off of each other and carefully guarding their kill! If it is true friendship than it can be more than two. Lewis says, “in some ways nothing is less like a friendship than a love-affair. Lovers are always talking to one another about their love, friends hardly ever talk about their friendship. Lovers are normally face to face, absorbed in each other, friends side by side, absorbed in some common interest. Above all, Eros (while it lasts) is necessarily between two only. But two, far from being the necessary number for friendship, is not even the best. And the reason for this is important: …In each of my friends there is something that only some other friend can fully bring out. By myself I am not large enough to carry the whole man into

activity; I want other lights than my own to show all his facets. Now that Charles is dead, I shall never again see Ronald’s reaction to Charles’ joke. Far from having more of Ronald, having him “to myself” now that Charles is dead, I have less of Ronald. Hence true friendship is the least jealous of loves. Two friends delight to be joined by a third, and three by a fourth, if only the newcomer is qualified to become a real friend.” • Friendship is not just companionship! “Friends” portrays normal life as singleness, and yet most singles are really kind of miserable. They don’t want to be single, but they are afraid of marriage. Why afraid? Not because they are afraid of commitment, but because they are committed to themselves and are afraid to let go of this selfcommitment. But not only does this commitment eliminate the possibility of marriage, it also eliminates the possibility of real friendship. “Friends” should really be called companions, because every character on the show is really committed to themselves. Only in the gospel is there a context for real friendship because Jesus as our true friend sets us free to serve others rather than just use them. “Companionship [or clubableness] is only the matrix of friendship. It is often called friendship, and many people when they speak of their “friends” mean only their companions. But it is not friendship in the sense I [am describing.] Friendship arises out of mere companionship when two or more of the companions discover that they have in common some insight or interest or taste which the others do not share and which, till that moment, each believed to be his own unique treasure (or burden). The typical expression of opening friendship would be something like, “What? You too? I thought I was the only one!” …It is when two such persons discover one another, when, whether with immense difficulties and semi-articulate fumblings, or with what would seem to us amazing and elliptical speed, they share their vision – it is then that friendship is born. And instantly together they stand in an immense solitude. Lovers seek for privacy. Friends find this solitude about them, this barrier between them and the herd, whether they want it or not… It may be a common religion, common studies, a common profession, or even a common recreation. All who share it will be our companions, but one or two or three who share something more will be our friends.” C.S. Lewis • The Great Irony: In a culture that idolizes friendship, there is very little real friendship! The number one problem people identify when asked is loneliness, and it is no wonder when individualism is the religion of our age! For all the talk of friends, there are a lot of lonely people out there. Perhaps we place so much value on friends in a desperate hope that maybe the relationships we choose will be there when we need them. (And thuis maybe a big part of our anxiety was that we have chosen unwisely.) We would rather trust in friends than in relationships chosen for us like family, or even lovers (our culture has a strong belief that love is something that you fall into according to fate or biology or both – it is not something you choose.) • The Great Tragedy: Those who simply want friends will never really make any! Lewis says, “That is why those pathetic people who simply “want friends” can never make any. The very condition of having friends is that we should want something else besides friends. Where the truthful answer to the question “Do you see the same truth?” would be “I see nothing and I don’t care about the truth, I only want a friend,” no friendship can arise – though affection of course may. There would be nothing for the friendship to be about, and friendship must be about something, even if it were only enthusiasm for dominoes or white mice. Those who have nothing can share nothing, those who are going nowhere can have no fellow travelers.” Having a common purpose and a common sense of what is beautiful is vital for real friendship. For when the friendship becomes the goal, rather than a delight along the way, then true friendship can never really grow – though of course idolatry and two people sucking life out of each other often will develop. When I became a Christian in 9th grade, I wanted Christianity to get friends, now I see more clearly why I never could find the kinds of friends I wanted (or more truthfully lusted after – since this quest for friends came to dominate my life and of

course drive away any potential friends!) Lewis says wisely, “You will not find the warrior, the poet, the philosopher, or the Christian by staring in his eyes as if he were your mistress; better fight beside him, read with him, argue with him, pray with him.” II. That’s What Friends Are For! • An opportunity to share in our delight for something. In doing this we image God who from all eternity has been in relationship – He has never been a lonely God, and has delighted in Himself in the Trinity and in all His creation. Delight is best when it is shared – when it is hoarded it always spoils (like the manna in the desert!) • An opportunity to help when help is needed. This is the focus in our text, a friend is one who can help with whatever need arises. Individualism is not only a contradiction from our design by God who said “It is not good for man to be alone” before the Fall, it is not smart in a cold, cruel world. Ecclesiastes is a very practical book, and loners are more vulnerable – even though it seems that the more you are in relationship the more vulnerable you are to being hurt, in reality, you were made for relationship and the reason wisdom is counter-intuitive (i.e. not what comes naturally) is because of the Fall. Remember woman was made to be a helper to man, but lest you think this is a derogatory title remember that this title “helper” is most often applied to God not to people in the Bible – it is a title of real honor! It is no small thing to be a true helper, and no small thing to find one! (“He who finds a wife finds a good thing!” Prov 18:22) • The friendship of the covenant community! We were made into a community by God. The covenant is not individual it is corporate – you don’t have your own personal private covenant with God, there is only one covenant and it is with a people, not zillions of covenants, one for every Christian! That’s why baptism is a public event with the whole covenant community and why the Lord’s Supper is a corporate covenant meal. In the covenant community, singles and marrieds, rich and poor, black and white, all come together and must learn to relate together and love one another. In friendships today we make affinity the basis for the relationship – but the gospel brings a greater affinity than even race, an affinity based on a common purpose (bringing the kingdom into all of life), and a common delight (the beauty of the Lord Jesus and His Righteousness.) We who were not a people have been made a royal, holy nation, and a people belonging to God (see 1Pet 2:9-10, Eph 2:11-22). We have been adopted into a family (“sonship” is not a private experience! It is corporate!) III. The Gospel As The Basis For True Friendship Not all Christian companions will become true friends as Lewis himself says (pg. 97), but we should pray and work towards friendship – not just companionship – and the gospel is the key to this! • The gospel rescues us not just from our sin but from ourselves. God is committed to curing us of our incurvature of the soul • Jesus as the true friend. True friends let you all the way in, and they never let you down (Tim Keller) Why do refuse to let people all the way in? Either because of fear or because of pride. Why do you let people down? Same reason, either fear or pride. But the gospel (the truth that you are worse than you think, and more loved than you could ever hope – at the same time because Jesus lived and died in your place) is the only real way to deal with our fear and our pride. It deals with our pride as the cross humbles us by revealing how bad we really are – that it would take the torturous death of the innocent Son of God to save us (and it did take that – He prayed that if there be any other way that God would take it.) It deals with our fear by showing us that if Jesus didn’t forsake us when He was hanging on the cross, surely He’ll never forsake us now! (It’s not like God is surprised by how sinful we are – He knew it all as He hung on the cross.) And it deals with our fear because our salvation is not based on a whim, on God’s mood of the moment, but on the death of Jesus in our place and our receiving credit for the perfect life He lived. Of course He is the One who lets us all the way in and never lets us down! • How can the gospel become a basis for friendship unless we talk about how we find it beautiful? Unless we speak up we’ll never find someone else to rise up and say “Me too! I see it too! Isn’t it beautiful?” •

Beware: The spirit of the age of tolerance works against friendship! Lewis warns that egalitarianism and tolerance never want to draw attention to anything remarkable lest it become a cause for division, and thus push us towards all being companions. And, people in authority always fear true friends because they can resist the powers that be. To get rid of friendship will remove certain dangers but we will also remove one of the strongest barriers against slavery there is (be it slavery to political powers or just to the fad of the moment.) • Friends make us less susceptible to change from “outside” the friendship. But this can be a good thing or a bad thing and shows the wisdom of the Proverbs in cautioning us to choose friends wisely! Lewis says “Every real friendship is a sort of rebellion” against the status quo, which means we need friends to advance the kingdom! Companions are great but they make poor fellow warriors! • Beware of the pride that can develop in friendship! Lewis points out that friendship must exclude at some level, the friends have been called out by a purpose and a sense of delight that not everyone shares. Yet it is very easy for this kind of necessary exclusivity to turn into a spirit of exclusivity. This happens when what brought us together, the thing we delighted in, has faded from view and thus we become, “a clique that exists just for the sake of being a clique, a little self-elected (and therefore absurd) aristocracy, basking in the moonshine of our collective self-approval.” We must keep deliberately injecting the gospel of the kingdom into all our friendships or this will happen to us! Too often the thing that brought us together fades, and we are left propping up an empty shell because it used to bring us great delight, and now brings us the “delight” of having a group to be a part of – but with no bigger purpose than that! How can be sensitive to this in RUF? How about next fall? • Rejoice in God for the friends He gives, and be on the lookout for what He is doing! You may think you choose your friends but really in God’s sovereignty, we know that is not the whole truth! We may think if but for the chance meeting we had, we might never have become friends, but of course as Christians we know there is no such thing as chance and so every friend is a gift from the hand of God