8/20/2019 How can you help a grieving friend during the holidays? - Refuge In Grief

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HOW CAN YOU HELP A GRIEVINGFRIEND DURING THE HOLIDAYS?

Grief is hard any time of year, but the holiday season can feel particularly brutal. If you’re

trying to support someone you love, this comic is for you. And if you’d like some help

educating friends and family on the best ways to support you, this comic is for you, too.

Illustrator Brittany Bilyeu (http://www.culture�ock.com) and I teamed up to share some

of the most common helpful (and unhelpful!) things people can do to make the holiday

season a little more gentle on grieving people.

Let’s share this comic around! Most people want to help, they just aren’t sure how. By

sharing this post (and others from the RIG archives (https://www.refugeingrief.com/blog/)

), we help everyone get better at delivering the love and support they intend. And be sure

to check out illustrator Brittany Bilyeu’s awesome shop (http://www.culture�ock.com) .

Grief can feel particularly brutal during the holidays.Trying to support someone you love? This comic is foryou. Need some help educating friends & family on thebest ways to support you? We've got you. Comics FTW.(https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?url=https://www.refugeingrief.com/?p=8186&text=Grief%20can%20feel%20particularly%20brutal%20during%20the%20holidays.%20Trying%20to%20support%20someone%20you%20love%3F%20This%20comic%20is%20for%20you.%20Need%20some%20help%20educating%20friends%20%26%20family%20

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And an important note: if this is your �rst time to the Refuge in Grief site, welcome.

Please look around. There’s a lot of good stuff

(https://www.refugeingrief.com/30daywriting/) here for grieving

(https://www.refugeingrief.com/life-gone-sideways/) people and those who want to

support them (https://www.refugeingrief.com/helper-overview/) . Check out this page for

an orientation (https://www.refugeingrief.com/new/) to all the awesome to be found. And

come join us on Patreon (http://www.patreon.com/megandevine) … it’s the home of the

Grief Revolution.

Shortlink: https://www.refugeingrief.com/?p=8186

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(/book/) It’s OK That You’re Not Ok isn’t your typical book

on loss. It’s a whole new way to look at grief – and love.

And it’s available to order now.

You can download a free sample chapter now by

Comments

Trudie saysDecember 10, 2018 at 1:51 am(https://www.refugeingrief.com/2018/11/19/holiday-grief-

comic/#comment-2952)

The one thing I hate is that people are afraid to say my husband’s name or to talk

about him. As if it will remind me that he isn’t here. And even things I say about

him are rarely commented on. I’m ok. Talk about jim. Tell stories. I want to hear

them! If I cry, it’s ok.

Reply (#comment-2952)

Casey saysDecember 18, 2018 at 6:02 pm(https://www.refugeingrief.com/2018/11/19/holiday-grief-

comic/#comment-2965)

Yes! I completely understand I want to scream and tell family it’s ok to say my

son’s name. I might cry but it’s better than people acting like he never existed

Reply (#comment-2965)

Trish (http://fb) saysDecember 19, 2018 at 1:03 am(https://www.refugeingrief.com/2018/11/19/holiday-grief-

comic/#comment-2966)

I am sorry for your loss..I too, feel like some folks want to erase my

daughter’ s memory.. I have in laws who have yet to even express their

sympathy.. it’s been 9 months ..this hurts and angers me beyond belief

Reply (#comment-2966)

Bijou says

subscribing here.

8/20/2019 How can you help a grieving friend during the holidays? - Refuge In Grief

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December 16, 2018 at 3:06 am(https://www.refugeingrief.com/2018/11/19/holiday-grief-comic/#comment-2962)

Yes yes yes on not talking about the dead person. I’ve lost several family

members and the worst thing about the grieving process is when someone

comes up and mentions my loved ones at a party or social event. It’s like

slamming back into a wall I forgot was there, and the worst part is that I end up

having to comfort the person who brings it up while trying not to spiral into

despair. I understand that the people and articles like this are just trying to help,

but, like so many well-intended gestures towards grieving people, they just miss

the mark for those of us who prefer to keep our grief to ourselves. There is no

“one size �ts all” approach to making the connection with your grieving friend

during the holidays. The only advice I have is not to follow an internet article

when dealing with human emotions: just try to be gentle with those who are in

pain, and use what you know about the person to gauge your response. If the

person is reserved and doesn’t tend to share their emotions (this can include

people who are always cheerful or blustery – it’s defensive coloring to avoid

having to share private emotions), then don’t try to get them to “open up for their

own good”. Just give them a hug, or squeeze on the arm, and tell them you’re

glad to see them. If they’re crying in a corner or telling everyone within earshot

that they lost someone, then that’s your cue to ask if it’s okay to tell your favorite

memory of the person.

Reply (#comment-2962)

Kathleen Russo saysDecember 20, 2018 at 12:18 am(https://www.refugeingrief.com/2018/11/19/holiday-grief-

comic/#comment-2968)

The �rst Christmas without my husband a neighbor invited me and my children

to come to their house Christmas eve. What a nice gesture. Sure I was still sad

but they understood thst.

Reply (#comment-2968)

Cathy Frank saysDecember 23, 2018 at 5:08 pm(https://www.refugeingrief.com/2018/11/19/holiday-grief-

comic/#comment-2974)

Very sound and helpful advice. It amazes me how few people know how to

support their grieving friends and family.

Being sad is natural and shouldn’t make people uncomfortable. Grieving is part

of life and should even be cherished as part of a healing process.

8/20/2019 How can you help a grieving friend during the holidays? - Refuge In Grief

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Reply (#comment-2974)

TrackbacksSuggestion Saturday: December 23, 2017 | Lydia Schoch

(https://lydiaschoch.com/suggestion-saturday-december-23-2017/) says:

December 23, 2017 at 6:02 am

(https://www.refugeingrief.com/2018/11/19/holiday-grief-comic/#comment-2280)

[…] From How Can You Help a Grieving Friend During the Holidays?: […]

Ways to Survive the Holiday Season When You're Grieving - Refuge In Grief

(https://www.refugeingrief.com/2018/12/14/ways-to-survive-the-holiday-

season-when-youre-grieving/) says:

December 14, 2018 at 7:00 am

(https://www.refugeingrief.com/2018/11/19/holiday-grief-comic/#comment-2959)

[…] Brittany Bilyeu and I created this year’s holiday comic with a focus on the

grieving person (last year’s viral comic taught friends and family how to be […]

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