friday, april 15, 2011
DESCRIPTION
Friday, April 15, 2011TRANSCRIPT
First of all, I would like to
congratulate the current Senior Student
Council on what was a truly fantastic
job. Their hard work, dedication, and
hilarious antics made the 2010-2011
school year one to remember!
The situation at Priory made a
groundbreaking change after the recent
student council elections. A gold mine of
hard workers and creative minds have
joined together to form nothing short of
an All-Star squad. However, the show
only begins here.
The bar is going to bet set higher
than ever before, incorporating the
younger STUCO members and the whole
school to reach success. We are fully
committed to doing the best job
possible, to go down in history as one of
the greatest student councils ever.
Our team
is not filled with people regretting the
burden placed on them, it is made up of
students who crave to do the hard work
we all at Priory depend on. Ted would
like to let everyone know that he is not a
star, but he’s got a chopper in the car.
We hope the school is prepared
for the upcoming wave of awesome.
There is only one major idea buzzing
through STUCO’s minds: Go Big or Go
Home. Laus Tibi Domine!
The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School since 1960Volume 41, Issue 23
The RecordFriday, April 15, 2011
Priory STUCO: The Revolution
Trevor Jin ’12Layout Editor
Welcome to your new Student Council for the 2011-2012 school year.
From Left: Trevor Jin, Jack Taiclet, Andrew Rhodes, Ted Tooley, Seve Esparrago
Friday, April 15, 2011Volume 41, Issue 23
UpdatesThe Record - The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School
The Brand New
Record Staff
Editor in Chief:
! Luke D. Slabaugh ’12
Layout Editor:
! Trevor Jin ’12
Content Editor:
!Jack O’Brien ’12
Faculty Moderator:
! Mr. Matthew Barrett
In this issue...
! Trevor Jin, ’12
! Brian Bucol, ’12
! Kyle Finnegan, ’12
! Colin Kopsky, ’12
! Mitchell Van Bree. ’13
! Jack O’Brien, ’12
! Carter Gage, ’12
! Xavier Bick ’12
! Luke D Slabaugh, ’12
! Daniel Stein, ’14
! Zach Weiss, ’11
! Jacob Martin, ’11
!
The Record is the official student publication of Saint Louis Priory School in St. Louis, Missouri. It is produced by student editors/staff members. Its purpose is threefold: to inform students of events in the community; to encourage discussion of local, national, and international issues; and to serve as a training ground for budding journalists, photographers, and graphic designers. The Record accepts contributions from all members o f the Pr iory community , including students, faculty, and alumni. The Record will not publish content considered legally unprotected speech, including but not limited to: libel, copyright infringement, or unwarranted invasion of privacy, or material disruption of the educational process. Student editors apply professional standards to the production of the newspaper and are solely responsible for all content, both explicit and implicit. Letters to the Editors are always appreciated. Feedback not intended for publication is also welcome.
The Record Disclaimer
Irish Invasion: Priory Welcomes New Students to Campus
Gucci Mane Tosses Woman Out of Vehicle
Last Friday morning Radric Davis a.k.a. Gucci
Mane was looking for something to do in
Atlanta, Georgia. He saw a girl in the mall and
decided to pick her up. Gucci then offered to
take her out to breakfast, an offer you cannot
deny. After breakfast, he asked her while
driving if she would “hang out with him for the
night” offering $150 if she accepted. However,
she said no. Hearing this, he went on a
rampage. He reached across the woman with
his hands and opened the passenger door.
Then at once he shoved the woman out of the
moving car, not stopping for anything.
Unsurprisingly, Gucci was caught by
the police. He is now in DeKalb County Jail in
Atlanta. He has a $40,562 bail but is incapable
of paying it. Gucci is charged with a
misdemeanor battery charge. This is not his
first time to jail, he served 6 months for assault
and was charged with murder. However, the
charge of murder was dropped for inadequate
evidence. He is expected to face further charges
for violating the terms of his probation.
Kyle Finnegan ’12Current Events Reporter
You may have noticed
some Irish exchange students
running around our school
recently. Peter Forshaw,
David Fournie and I had the
pleasure of meeting Breandan
“Luigi” Mcgrory and Michael
“The Beaver” Boyce over
spring break in the small
town of Letterkenny, Ireland.
I can assure you, they are
enjoying their stay here as we
did in Ireland (excluding
Dave’s flippant reaction to the
a i r p l a n e ' s
“ c o f f e e ” ) .
Underclassmen
Hugh Cole and
Wyatt Gill host
t h e s e n e w s t u d e n t s ,
respectively. Priory’s Irish
exchange program with
C o l á i s t e
Ailigh, its Irish
counterpart,
has existed for
several years
and hopefully
will see many
more to come.
When I asked
Breandan and
Michael what their favorite
part of the USA was, they
responded frankly, “Steak n’
Shake, because it’s not in
Ireland.” In addition to
attending classes at Priory,
the boys avidly participate in
the rugby team's practices.
They plan on seeing the
rest of the city of St.
Louis, with several fun
stops such as Six Flags,
even more Steak n’
Shake, and lots of
“good crack”, as they
say in Ireland.
Brian Bucol ’12Irish Ambassador
Weekly Lunches4/18 - 4/22
Monday, 4/18Soft Tacos
Tuesday, 4/19Hot Roast Beef on Hoagie
Wednesday, 4/27Chicken Parmesan
Sorry Gucci, it’s actually not OK.
3. Tiger is back…for now. Tiger Woods was the biggest surprise for me this past week. Although he did not play that great on Saturday, we saw some classic Tiger on Sunday. He was -5 for the day and ended up with a T5. In an interview after his round he
said, “I played well today, I think that my
swing is starting to get back on track.” He later said, “I’m going to go eat, I’m starving.” So, Tiger thought he has been playing better and that he is really hungry. Look for him to start contending in most tournaments now, close to what he used to do.
2. Rory McIlroy will be #1 at some point in his career. What we saw from him for the first 3 days at Augusta was incredible. First, we saw a bogey-free 65. Then, we saw him only make 3 bogeys combined on Friday and Saturday. Unfortunately, things did not go so well on Sunday. McIlroy shot an 80 and finished at -4 for
the tournament and T15. After seeing his final-round 62 last year to win his first tournament, I knew McIlroy would be a great player. This kid has the talent and determination to be the best in the
world, so do not be surprised if you see him with the Green Jacket next year.
1. The U.S. is falling behind in golf. In a sport once dominated by Americans, we are now falling behind to the international golfers. Currently, an
American does not have a Major to defend. The last 4 Majors have been won by 2 South Africans, an Irishman, and a German. If the U.S. wants to reclaim its spot as the top golfing nation, there needs to be more American golfers than just Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson to contend every week. Look for players like young gun Rickie Fowler, fellow Oklahoma State Cowboy Hunter
Mahan, and veteran Matt Kuchar to step up in the near future.
Also, congratulations to Charl Schwartzel on his first PGA Tour victory.
Friday, April 15, 2011Volume 41, Issue 23
EntertainmentThe Record - The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School
Adjustment Bureau Movie Review
Sometimes we may all wonder to
ourselves, do we really have free will?
Adjustment Bureau tries to tap into the
thoughts of this pressing
topic by following an up and
coming politician David
Norris (Matt Damon). He
meets a woman (Emily
Blunt) that takes his heart
away as if they were meant
to be. Unfortunately for
him, this is not according to
plan. The organization of
strange men in suits and
fancy hats are not pleased.
This is not what he is meant
to do. He must forget he
ever saw her.
This is a unique idea, something
that we are frothing at the mouth for in
these days filled with Justin Bieber
movies and money-grabbing sequels.
Inception soared on a surfboard of
success because of it. Thankfully, a new,
relatively untapped idea is provided in
this movie also. To an audience so used
to making their decisions for themselves,
it’s refreshing to know that the creepy
guy in the suit next to you in the subway
made you spill your coffee.
The movie definitely doesn’t rest
on these
l a u r e l s ,
receiving
q u a l i t y
a c t i n g
from Matt
D a m o n
w h o
k n o w s
how to be
o n t h e
run like a
b o s s
( T r u e
Grit, All the Bourne Movies, Green Zone,
etc.). Let’s be honest, he can’t be
stopped. The plot movement is perfectly
paced and every scene is meaningful.
The fact that men with supernatural
powers controlling us actually seems like
a normal and plausible possibility
throughout the movie, which is part of
the magic it casts over an audience.
Truly, there isn’t anything bad to say
about this movie...except one thing.
The ending is awful. I won’t
“spoil” it for you, but then again you
can’t spoil what is already spoiled.
Adjustment Bureau was so close to being
a mega-hit to start off the new movie
season (like Inception was), but it fell
flat on its face. The fact that it still
receives such good ratings is a testament
to how good the rest of the movie is. I
highly recommend seeing the movie for
anyone, with anyone, anytime.
Things We Learned at the 2011 Masters
Trevor Jin ’12Layout Editor
Quick Review Pros: Innovative Idea, Great Acting,
! Well Made Cinematically
Cons: A Terrible Ending
Who Should See It? Anyone.
Is It Worth Seeing? Definitely.
Colin Kopsky ’12Staff Writer
EntertainmentThe Record - The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School
Friday, April 15, 2011Volume 41, Issue 23
Sudoku Madness
- Abraham Maslow
Cryptogram
Easy Medium
Hard Evil
Friday, April 15, 2011Volume 41, Issue 23
EntertainmentThe Record - The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School
Crossword Puzzle
12 Differences
OpinionsThe Record - The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School
Friday, April 15, 2011Volume 41, Issue 23
I Hate the Radio
If you are anything like me, you have said “I hate the radio!” at least once
in your life. For me, it is a daily practice. I sit with one hand on the seek button
and skip through all the stations (always seeming to be on commercial breaks)
multiple times until a tolerable song comes on. Unfortunately, I have lost all
hope in the local radio stations. I have listened to them all and have concluded
that they all have major faults. I wish I could recommend a best station to you,
but no station deserves this honor. Instead, I will merely explain why every
major (Keyword: major. Nobody listens to 88.1) station in the Lou sucks, and let
you decide which is best.
Z 1 0 7 . 7 - The Z thinks
i t ’ s t h e c o o l e s t
s t a t i o n around. It’s
a s t a t i o n devoted to
m o d e r n popular hits
(and let me just add that
a l l S T L stations are
m o n t h s behind the
pop music curve). You probably already know the
problem with this station. It’s a lot like Mr. Miller but with music: they play the
same songs over and over and over again! Look at the iTunes top ten from two
months ago and then add in the top 3 songs from now. If you want to hear
those songs and nothing but those songs, this is your station! Every now and then
they’ll try to throw in a “good old classic,” but the song is not old enough to be
nostalgic (it’ll be some song from like a year ago that was sort of popular), so you
end up asking “why are they playing this?” Overall, Z107.7 is great at playing
mind numbing pop hits till you can’t tell the difference between them anymore.
Y98.1 – This station wishes it were as cool as Z107.7 but knows it isn’t. They play pretty much the same stuff as “Z” but try to diversify by expanding their playlist a little bit. However, the non-billboard topping songs they play are hit-or-miss (usually a big miss). The other weird thing they’ll do is pick a less popular chart-topping song and play that repeatedly instead of picking a more popular one (they recently did this with “Animal” by Neon Trees). If you’re going to abuse a song, at least pick a really good one! Basically, Y98.1 tries to be a more diverse Z107.7 but fails to completely leave “Z’s” shadow. Also, the songs they use to try to diversify usually aren’t good.
105.7 The Point – Commercials with limited musical interruptions.
106.5 The Arch –
This station claims to play all the “70s and
80s hits!” Here’s the problem: the 70s and
80s are completely different! “That was
The Who! And now Devo!” That doesn’t
work! Although they do play some pretty
good songs from both eras, their lack of
commercials actually hurts them because
they basically end up p l a y i n g t e r r i b l e ,
cheesy 80s songs that you’ve never even heard of to fill the time.
104.1 - I don’t know the actual name of
this station, I just know it as 104.1 (pronounced: One O Fo’ Point One). I am
not in a very good position to bash this one because I don’t frequently listen to it.
However, from what I’ve heard, it plays all the new rap and R&B hits. However,
they definitely have favorites (recently it’s been Lil Wayne). From what I’ve
gathered, it’s the Z-107.7 of rap: abuse the favorites then throw in random old songs.
Country Stations: I am putting all the
country stations into a mass grouping
because the fault with these stations is the music they play. I am not saying
country music is terrible. “Country music” is not even “country” anymore!
It’s pop or rock with a violin and a singer with an accent. Those things don’t
automatically qualify the song to be country. That’d be like saying that a Sitar
automatically makes rock music into Indian music. These stations are bad
because they lie to you! I haven’t heard any Johnny Cash on those stations at all
recently.
Fresh 102.5 – Delilah.
KSHE 95 (94.7) – The station that used to be huge has lost its thunder. It plays
rock music but has too much variety. “Rock” is too broad. Therefore, most
people will only like a small percentage of the songs they play. They’ll play a classic
rock song, then a death metal song. Most people will love one and hate the other.
In addition, KSHE plays a ton of songs nobody’s ever heard of.
K-Hits 96.3 – It claims to play “all the
classic hits” but basically plays cheesy 80s songs and throws in a good one every
now and then.
KLOU 103.3 - Same problem as K-Hits.
Gen-X 100.3 – At first you’re like “Sweet 90s songs from when I was a kid!”
or “I used to love this song!” but you eventually realize that the good ones are
far and few between. They have some serious favorites (especially Tone-Loc)
and like to play them all too often. Plus they throw in extra bad 80s songs as a
bonus! Basically you’ll find a good one every now and then but you’ll mostly hear
songs you’ve never heard in your life (and there’s a reason: they are terrible songs
and have never gotten any serious air-time, even in the 90s).
This is solely my factual opinion on these stations. Take it for what it’s worth.
Mitchell Van Bree ’13Opinion Writer
Friday, April 15, 2011Volume 41, Issue 23
Social CommentaryThe Record - The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School
For those of you familiar with the
Webster Groves area, you must know
it's quite nice. It's a very quaint suburb,
and there's always an ice cream shop
open. It seems like the perfect place to
settle down and raise your children. For
those of you who still think that: You
are wrong. Webster
Groves has gone
to the theoretical
t o i l e t . O n c e a
place of prosperity
w h e r e t i n y
children wandered
the streets and set
u p l e m o n a d e
s t a n d s f r e e o f
charge, Webster
has become a
dark, dark place. What used to be a
beautiful place has met its downfall.
Still, I could have ignored all of this. I
don't associate with many of the local
students in Webster, but the new breed
of Webster residents who moved in
across the street ruined my home
forever. They were simply cutting down
the only tree in their yard, but, instead
of cutting it down completely, they left
the bottom 15 feet. Those 15 feet were
then carved into a Gargoyle. I repeat: a
Gargoyle, and an ugly one at that.
Drugs may have made Webster Groves
residents look l ike a bunch of
delinquents, but at least we weren't
ugly. Now my hick neighbors went and
ruined it all for us. I grew up in a
beautiful place, but now my home has
been defiled. First the lack of lemonade,
and now Gargoyles as lawn ornaments.
There is no stopping us now.
Webster Groves Has Met Its Demise
Carter Gage ’12Beat Reporter
Serial Killer in NY
On one of the most serious notes this
paper has seen in quite a while, a
horrifying and potentially historic story
is developing in New York, specifically
along the coast of Long Island. Last
December, a search started when
Shannan Gilbert, a 24-year-old woman
from New Jersey, went missing. This
search resulted in the discovery of 4
female bodies all tossed into a ditch on
the side of the road. These women were,
for lack of a more appropriate term,
ladies of the evening (if you don't catch
my drift, look it up). While their choice
of lifestyle is not exactly condonable,
their fates are nothing less than absolute
tragedies. Ms. Gilbert was not identified
among these bodies. This is the final
description of her known whereabouts:
Ms. Gilbert had been visiting a seaside
home in the Oak Beach area in the early
morning hours of May 1. Gus Coletti, 76,
was one of the last people to see her
alive. He was at home, shaving, shortly
before 5 a.m.
"I hear somebody screaming
and bang-bang on the door," he said. "I
opened the door, and she stood right
there. I said, 'What's the matter?' And
she kept saying 'Help me.'”
When he dialed 911, she ran. "She took
off, and that was the last I saw her," he
said.
Since December, 4 other sets of remains
have been discovered within a small
radius of the first discovery, all next to a
road that runs along the beach-line.
Though it is not certain any of these
cases are connected, Long Island and
New York State police are fairly certain
all the bodies are the work of a singular
killer. The latest report of this case, on
April 6, announced the findings of 3 new
sets of bones (making the previous total
of 5 go to 8). Though this story sounds
like a cool mystery out of a detective
show such as Criminal Minds or. CSI,
these findings are not from T.V; they are
very horrifically real. “The reality”,
police said, “is that there are probably
numerous bodies still undiscovered out
here, that we may never find. Still, we
will continue our probe of these areas
and try to turn up as much evidence as
possible.” On a more hopeful note,
Shannan Gilbert's mother remains
hopeful. ""If it wasn't for my daughter,
these bodies never would have been
found," she said. "Everyone has their
destiny, maybe this was hers. I'm still
hoping she comes home." So, especially
in this time of Lent, please extend your
prayers to all these families suffering
this cruel injustice, especially to Mrs.
Gilbert, that her daughter may come
home.
Jack O’Brien ’12Content Editor
By Xavier Bick ’12
SportsThe Record - The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School
Friday, April 15, 2011Volume 41, Issue 23
Luke D Slabaugh ’12Editor in Chief
Tuesday played host to
the heroics of senior outfielder
Brendan Mulqueeny, who
blasted a two-run triple in the
sixth inning against Whitfield.
Down 3-2 and after third
baseman Brendan Thomas
walked and freshman Dan
Watson was hit by a pitch,
Mulqueeny (affectionately
called Slaps by his teammates)
followed through in the clutch
by launching a ball over the
center fielder’s head to give the
Rebels the lead. Marc Dunbar
and Nick Thompson both
followed with missiles to the
Warrior infielders, who in turn
mishandled them and allowed
three more runs to cross the
plate. Priory sealed the game
with a 7-3 win, a deserved
reward for workhorses Andy
Schwartz and Joey Heitz, who
continue to dazzle hitters with
their respective repertoires of
pitches.
On Wednesday, the
Rebels did not see the same
luck. The bats failed to come
alive in a 7-0 loss to Lutheran
St. Charles. The game saw a
stellar performance by starting
pitcher Jack Schwartz. A
junior, Schwartz allowed only
two runs through his first six
innings, with those two coming
in the very f irst inning.
Cougars starter Lucas Swindle
went the d is tance for a
complete game shutout. While
not a deceptive pitcher by any
means, the freshman hurler
was around the plate the entire
game, only allowing two walks
l a t e i n t h e g a m e . H i s
p e r f o r m a n c e c a u g h t t h e
aggressive Rebel hitters off-
guard, resulting in many pop
ups.
The Orchard Farms
E a g l e s p r o v i d e d d e c e n t
competition on Thursday
afternoon, but the Rebels were
also up to the challenge,
pulling out a 5-2 victory. The
Rebels jumped out to an early
lead when leadoff hitter David
Nogalski ripped a double into
left field and scored on two
consecutive wild pitches. Kevin
Ludwig delivered another
masterpiece on the mound,
allowing no runs through his
first five innings. However,
terror struck in the sixth when
the Eagles strung together a
walk, a couple of hits, and took
advantage of a dropped fly ball
in the outfield to knot it up at
2-2. The Rebels responded
with a scorching top of the
seventh: a mishandled
sacrifice bunt laid down by
junior Luke Slabaugh loaded
the bases. A wild pitch, a
perfectly executed hit-and-run
by Dan Watson and a sac fly by
Brendan Thomas sent three
runs across the plate.
Hopefully, the rain will
avoid the Rebels’ final match
for the tournament. After
Friday, the Rebels (4-6) have
13 more regular season games.
If they can create a consistent
offense to compliment their
top-notch pitching staff and its
ameliorating defense, the
Rebels will be a lethal threat in
the eyes of the ABC League.
Varsity Baseball Competes in WCA Tournament
The beginning of the
season for Junior Varsity
baseball has been filled with
trials and
tribulations, to say the least.
Wins have not been coming
by easily for the Jr. Rebels,
who have recorded only one
win to date. However, the
first few weeks of this term
have been filled with positive
points as well, which suggest
the squad shows promise for
the future. The season began
with a game against Ladue,
when, despite a solid effort
from starting pitcher Mitch
Van Bree, the offense and
defense failed to back him up.
Later that week, Charlie
Lohmann threw a no hitter,
but the Jr. Rebels fell to
Duschene by a score of 1-0.
Three games later, the squad
jumped out of the loss
column with a tie against
MICDS. That performance
was topped earlier this week,
w h e n D r e w C a l l a h a n
provided a two-RBI clutch hit
that would lift the team to an
e x t r a - i n n i n g w i n o v e r
Whitfield.
O t h e r t h a n
Lohmann's no-no against
Duschene, highlights of the
early season include Tristan
Hellmuth’s 3-run home run,
which he effortlessly dropped
just over the 315 foot sign at
Whitfield. Brian Vaporean
revealed his true grit and
passion for the game when he
lowered his shoulder and fell
on top of the MICDS catcher
in a close play at home plate.
He was thrown out of the
game, and his cheer-leading
abilities proved to be key in
energizing the team to their
victory. Peter Cogan has
played stellar defense at
shortstop, and looks to
continue his
d o m i n a n c e e a t i n g u p grounders. C a p t a i n s C h r i s Pilcher, Brian Vaporean, and (at times) freshman Michael Herman do their best to keep the club focused. Herman seems especially gifted in this aspect of the game, but
sometimes finds himself too busy talking to umpires and throwing runners out, mostly at the same time. Spencer Wright (aka Mariano Rivera) has been keeping his arm fresh this season, itching for achance to show his gas in late i n n i n g r e l i e f . M o s t importantly, Coaches Oberle
and Griesbauer are showing the kids the ropes to play the game of baseball . After throwing hundreds of wiffle balls in the Corley Gym and hitting ground ball after ground ball, improvement is obviously showing. And maybe, just maybe, one day someone might catch one of
Dr. G’s ground balls, which regularly soar 30 feet off theground. Look for the club to progress even more next week, with home games against Whitfield on Monday, J o h n B u r r o u g h s o n Wednesday, and Lutheran South on Thursday.
Daniel Stein ’14Sports Writer
Junior Varsity Baseball Update
SatireThe Record - The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis
Friday, April 15, 2011Volume 41, Issue 23
I would like to congratulate my vast readership on almost making it through another Lent season. I know some o f y o u , i n y o u r a b s e n t m i n d e d n e s s ,
probably went to the butcher and bought his finest piece of meat, marinated it, seasoned it, and finally grilled it, but did not realize it was a Friday until that last succulent piece of Filet Mignon was slipping away down (or in a friend’s case, getting stuck
in) your sinful gullet. But fear not, dear reader, you still have two more Fridays t o r e d e e m yourself, and it’s as easy as a trip to your n e a r e s t Hardee’s.
F a r superior to t h e F i l e t O ’ F i s h o r w h a t e v e r McFish knockoff Burger King serves up, Hardee’s offers a large and delicious meal referred to only as “Fish n’ Chips.” Like
everything Hardee’s does, this thing is huge, and will easily fill up anyone who has b e e n f a s t i n g a n d i s interested in eating their only full meal of the day. I also lied about the delicious part. Hardee’s Fish n’ Chips is really just edible, but still more so than the McFish
and its counterparts. At its low, low price it is easily the best Lenten selection on any fast food menu.
At this point some of you may be asking, “O wise and beneficent Z.W.R. Weiss, what about Taco Bell and Five Guys? Sure, the Hardee’s Fish n’ Chips are the bee’s knees, but Taco
Bell Shrimp Tacos are delicious, and I have heard that Five Guys has an excellent veggie burger!” True as those things may be, dear reader, let’s take a look at the facts. None of the items on Taco Bell’s menu have meat in them, this is a fact that has been proven by
lawyers, who, I should mention, are 2.5 times as
reliable as scientists. That being said, I really don’t feel like eating whatever it is that Australian guy who runs Taco Bell claims to be shrimp (synthetic dingo?). Also, Five Guys is expensive.
Really expensive. A good meal there could cost you well over $10. So that being said, eat Fish n’ Chips. Oh, and talk to me if you want to take over writing a similar op-ed series next year.
Lorem Ipsum
Zach Weiss ’11Staff Writer
Grinds My Gears
Jacob Martin ’11Staff Writer
Gentlemen, I am back, and this time I am literally covered in vomit. Not your standard, run-of-the-mill vomit, either. Rage vomit. The hippies are at it again, but this time in a different way. They've not spouted off nonsense about not
eating things that used to be adorable (I find the filet is more mignon when it's been thoroughly killed anyway), but instead the modern, wealthy hippie has given its pet the rights of man. You know, gentlemen, what really grinds my gears? You may have fallen out of practice in giving the answer to this question as I have not found the need to ask
it for several weeks, but today I say to you this: schnauzers. The only dog that actually grows a plaid sweater-vest instead of fur, the schnauzer is the most wretched mistake of breeding in the history of mankind. No one has ever met a schnauzer they didn't hate, but most people are simply too polite to admit that. No more shall that
be problematic, for I find myself willing, even eager, to take the stand against these veritable wounds on the body of what we call dogs. What prompted my vomit-inducing anger is the following incident. There is a woman who is audacious enough to live on my street, and I am excessively
disappointed to have the burden of calling her my neighbor. How does she usurp the resources of my land, you ask? She allows her schnauzers to conduct business upon it. Every forty minutes, the schnauzers of war drag her the half block down the street to my yard, and every forty minutes they loiter there for yet another forty minutes while my own
dogs, dogs who aren't the worst abomination man has put upon this earth (including nuclear weapons, pollutants, and the music enjoyed by
today's teens), bark with their respectable dog voices, and rightfully so, at these horrid little plaid-encrusted rats in leashes and I am left simply praying for a large bird to come along and take one out of my sight forever. The important part of
this is that this monumentally ignorant woman is literally being dragged by a pair of schnauzers. The upper-body strength of the fairer sex
may not be quite equal to our own, dear readers, but no one, not even the blinded and shorn husk of Samson's former glory, can be overpowered by two schnauzers. As I pray in vain for a falcon to swoop upon this most wretched foe of mine,
I cannot help but to allow my anger to spray forth from my mouth, all over my neighbor, in the form of vomit and hate-speak. Perhaps she doesn't understand. Perhaps in her world it is considered polite to vomit on someone while screaming obscenities in an incomprehensible language. Alas, I shall never know. And that, gentlemen, is what grinds
my gears.
THE RECORD - The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School
500 S. Mason Road, Creve Coeur, MO 63141 314.434.3690 ext. 221 [email protected]
Editor in Chief: Luke D. Slabaugh, ’12 Layout Editor: Trevor Jin, ’12 Content Editor: Jack O’Brien, ’12 Moderator: Matthew L. Barrett
The Record WeeklyThe Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School
Friday, April 15, 2011Volume 41, Issue 23
Queens of the Stone Age played a live set at The Pageant on Tuesday, April 5. It was the first time the hard rock band had visited St. Louis since its Lollapalooza sideshow in 2006, and first small venue date since its show at Vintage Vinyl in 2000. It was a miraculous 17-song gig. Full review to come next week!- Luke D Slabaugh and Joseph O’Sullivan
© Jack Ciapciak