forgiveness - discipleshipproject.usthe biblical truths you're being taught won't take...

NEW HOPE CHRISTIAN FELLOWSHIP6240 VERNER AVE.

SACRAMENTO, CA 95841916-348-6997

AGONIASTUDENT’S MANUAL

DOUGLAS AND SITA SHEARER • AUTHORS AND FOUNDERS

FORGIVENESS

“FORGIVENESS” IS THE SECOND OF EIGHT SEPARATE MANUALS WHICH TOGETHER CONSTITUTE THE ENTIRE COURSE

FEBRUARY 3, 2000 EDITION

DO NOT REPRINT OR COPY

Special Note: This manual is meant only for students enrolled in properly certified Agonias. Thechanges it presses cannot be effected by single individuals or by counselors attempting one-on-one therapy. A small group setting is essential - overseen by instructors who have been properlytrained. This manual is meant to build the church of our Savior Jesus Christ and bring peace andjoy into the homes of the saints for whom he died.

©

NEW HOPE CHRISTIAN FELLOWSHIP6240 VERNER AVE.

SACRAMENTO, CA 95841916-348-6997

AGONIASTUDENT’S MANUAL

DOUGLAS AND SITA SHEARER • AUTHORS AND FOUNDERS

FORGIVENESS“FORGIVENESS” IS THE SECOND OF EIGHT SEPARATE MANUALS WHICH TOGETHER CONSTITUTE THE ENTIRE COURSE

FEBRUARY 3, 2000 EDITION

DO NOT REPRINT OR COPY

REQUESTED DONATION: $20.00

©

Do not copy or reprint Page -3- Student's Manual - Forgiveness

A NOTE TO THE STUDENTSBUILD YOURSELVES UP WITH

ONE ANOTHER

1 Corinthians 12, Romans 12, Ephesians 4, and many other passages of scripture liken individual Christiansto parts of a body - an arm, a leg, a head, a hand, a foot, an eye, a nose, etc. For example:

If the foot shall say, Because I am not the hand, I am not of the body; is ittherefore not of the body?

And if the ear shall say, Because I am not the eye, I am not of the body; is ittherefore not of the body?

If the whole body were an eye, where were the hearing? If the whole werehearing, where were the smelling?

1 Cor. 12:15-17

And that tells us a lot about how healing and restoration should behandled within the Christian community - and it also explains why solittle effective healing and restoration actually take place. Let meillustrate my point for you. Here we have a severed arm - which, notsurprisingly, is terribly dysfunctional. It's both diseased and injured.It symbolizes a carnal (1 Cor. 3:1) Christian - a Christian who is notwalking in victory - whose life does not reflect the fruit of the Spirit -whose marriage is beset with many troubling sins.

It's not that he hasn't tried to achieve victory; as a matter of fact, hehas tried on numerous occasions: he has attended Bible studies,special seminars, and has sought out older Christians to disciple him.For several years, he attended church on a consistent basis - evenserving on various committees. But nothing has helped - at least notsignificantly. His temper still lurks just below the surface - ready toexplode at the least provocation; he still occasionally slips back intoalcoholism and drug addiction. His childrenwalk on eggshells around him; and his wifeis a nervous wreck. He's slowly slipping intoisolation and despair - and his erstwhileChristian friends are starting to give up onhim.

What's the problem? It's that he's neglectingthe obvious - he'll never be healed andrestored unless he becomes an organic part of the church - which, atthis point, means that he's built up with his Agonia-mates - genuinelyand authentically. Can you imagine trying to heal a severed armwithout reattaching it to its body? But that's exactly the treatmentprotocol so many Evangelical Christians attempt. We've been blind-sided by the individualism that's so pervasive within American culture. A severed arm is not going to behealed until a skilled surgeon reconnects the ligaments, blood vessels, nerves, and muscles that make it partof a body. That's his first priority. But quite often that's not our first priority. What's our treatmentprotocol? First, we identify the disease that's afflicting a specific "severed limb" - whatever that diseasemight be - addiction, depression, troubled marriages, etc.; next, we gather together all the "severed" arms,legs, feet, hands, eyes, etc. suffering from the same disease; and finally we apply various "scriptural

A t t a c h


Isolated Christians are "Pickled Christians"!"Pickled Christians" have a hard time getting healed!

Dismembered Eye

PickledSevered Nose

PickledSevered Hand

Pickled

Dismembered Ear

Pickled

Healingdoesn'ttakeplace in apickle jar.


A t t a c h

A t t a c h

A t t a c h

A

t ta c h

Healingonly takesplace inthe Body!


antiseptics" - hoping that they'll all be healed. The obvious never seems to occur to us: we first need toreattach those severed "limbs" to the body - only then can we reasonably expect Biblical truth to "take hold."

We don't explain the importance of the church - that it's not simply a helpful expedient; that, instead, it's abasic sine qua non of healing and restoration. Its fundamental! It's the framework within which the ministryof the Holy Spirit takes place.

You must be built up with your Agonia-mates; you must become organically attached to them. In a very realsense, they must own you; and you must own them - clearly not to the point that your personal identitiy is


lost in them - or theirs is lost in you; but church must be more than a simple gathering of discrete, atomizedbelievers who merely "bump" into one another at a Sunday morning service - or on a deacon's committee - orin a children's ministry. You've got to become a part of one another's lives - an integral part - a vital part - anessential part!

And that doesn't occur easily in American culture. We're "islands unto ourselves;" we're taught to be ruggedindividuals; we guard our "privacy" with a jealous indignation. It's not surprising, then, that a lot of usgravitate to ministries that have been adapted to that kind of mind-set. Instead of teaching dependency andthe need for integration, we're taught "self-empowerment." Instead of being told to tear down the walls thatseparate us from one another, we're told to become self-sufficient. And then we scratch our heads and searchour hearts for why so little authentic change occurs in our lives.

Your first priority in the Agonia is to be built up with one another - to invade one another's lives. Continueto work hard at that! The Biblical truths you're being taught won't take hold unless you become an organicpart of each other - genuinely and authentically.


TABLE OF CONTENTS©

MANUAL 2 • FORGIVENESSChapter One Forgiveness - Lesson I ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 8Chapter Two Lesson on Hebrews 6:1-6 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 24Chapter Three Forgiveness - Lesson II ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 37Chapter Four Review and Testing ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 53Chapter Five Processing Offenses - Review and Summary Sheet --------------------------------------------- 63Chapter Six Learning to Use the Forms -------------------------------------------------------------------------- 82Chapter Seven Processing Offenses - Long Term Offenses ------------------------------------------------------ 94Chapter Eight Don't Turn a Disagreement into an Offense ------------------------------------------------------ 98Chapter Nine Processing Offenses - Focus on Restitution ------------------------------------------------------- 107Chapter Ten Review • Rules for Discussing Character Traits • Different Forms of Conflict -------------- 113Chapter Eleven Confession and Grace -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 124Chapter Twelve Processing Current Offenses ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 138Chapter Thirteen Permanent Alienation • Free Floating Anger ----------------------------------------------------- 146Chapter Fourteen Resolving All Offenses • The 72 Hour Rule ----------------------------------------------------- 154Chapter Fifteen Husbands, Glorify Your Wives --------------------------------------------------------------------- 160

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

OTHER MANUALS IN THE SERIES

MANUAL 1 • GETTING STARTEDChapter One Expectations and Staff TestimoniesChapter Two Enrollees Introduce Themselves to One AnotherChapter Three A Study on Prayer - the Content of PrayerChapter Four A Study on Prayer - The Attitude We Bring to PrayerChapter Five Squabble RulesChapter Six Understanding the StrategyChapter Seven Running to Win -The AgoniaChapter Eignt Learning to Handle CriticismChapter Nine Establishing the Agonia

MANUAL 3 • RELATIONSHIPS • COPING DEVICES • PERVERSIONSChapter One Relationships - What They Are and What They EntailChapter Two Coping DevicesChapter Three PerversionsChapter Four Review andTestingChapter Five Ending Alienation - Consciously Dismantling Coping DevicesChapter Six Relearning How to Respond to Your Spouse's OverturesChapter Seven The Cultural Dynamic Underlying Personal Alienation

MANUAL 4 • FAITHChapter One Faith - the Dynamic of All ChangeChapter Two Standing in the Faith GapChapter Three More about Faith from the Book of HebrewsChapter Four Exhortation and Its Relationship to FaithChapter Five Review and Testing

MANUAL 5 • AUTHENTIC SPIRITUALITYChapter One Authentic SpiritualityChapter Two The Fruit of the Spirit and Its Relationship to LoveChapter Three Twisted Definitions of SpiritualityChapter Four Holiness and Human RelationshipsChapter Five Review and Testing

Continued on next page


MANUAL 6 • REDISCOVERING ONE ANOTHERChapter One Breaking Back into Each Other's LifeChapter Two ReviewChapter Three Differences in Sensitivities and Moral ScruplesChapter Four Rediscovering One Another

MANUAL 7 • SEXUAL INTIMACYChapter One Sexual Purity and IdolatryChapter Two Review and TestingChapter Three Marriage Can Be Justified on the Basis of Sex AloneChapter Four Review and TestingChapter Five Cleaning up the Past and Keeping It CleanChapter Six Review and TestingChapter Seven Review Coping Devices for the Sake of Greater Sexual Intimacy

MANUAL 8 • AUTHORITYChapter One Authority - How It's to Be Used to Develop RelationshipChapter Two Review and TestingChapter Three Decision Making RealmsChapter Four Delegating Authority (Continued)Chapter Five A Husband's Authority • A Wife's RightsChapter Five Appendix Calling • Installation • Investiture • AnointingChapter Six The Need for a CenterChapter Seven Creating A Center and Monitoring ItChapter Eight Creating A Center and Monitoring It - ContinuedChapter Nine Husbands - Love Your WivesChapter Ten Wives - Reverence Your HusbandsChapter Eleven Final Review of Commitments

PLANNING THE CEREMONY


Thursday

Friday

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Prayer Items When AnsweredHow Answered

Day #1

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FORGIVENESS©

CHAPTER 1FORGIVENESS • LESSON I

WEEKLY PRAYER JOURNAL

WEEK OF_____________________


Week

Instructions for scoringhave been provided byyour instructors. However,a brief description is givenbelow.

INSTRUCTIONS: (1) The "Three Disciplines," columns 1-3: one "no" for any day for any of the disciplines results in a "no" for the entire week. (2)�"SquabbleRules," column 4: keep daily track of (a) how many times you violate the rules and (b) how many times your spouse violates the rules; at the end of the week,eliminate the high and low and average the remaining scores. (3) "Response to Correction," column 5: keep daily track of how often you notice that either you oryour spouse does not respond positively to correction and rebuke. The criteria consists of (a) non-defensiveness and (b) attentiveness. Grade yourself on a scaleof 1-10 - with "10" an A+, "1" an abysmal failure, and "5" middling. Eliminate the high and low and average the remaining scores. (4)�"Agonia Contacts,"column 6: (a) phone call to an agonia-mate over ten minutes = 1 pt.; (b) personal, face-to-face contact over a half an hour = 3 pts.; (c)�Having an agonia coupleover for dinner = 5 pts; (d)�participate in a meeting of the full Agonia other than the class itself = 5�pts. (5)�"Spirituality Indices," columns 7-9: grade yourself ona scale of 1-10 - with "10" an A+, "1" an abysmal failure, and "5" middling. Eliminate the high and the low for the week and average of the remaining scores.(6)�"Overtures," column 10: keep daily track of how often you reach out to your spouse; and also keep track of how often, if at all, your overtures are rebuffed.At the end of the week, list the total overtures you undertook; and compute a ratio of positive responses to the total.

Column #1 Column #2 Column #3 Column #4 Column #5 Column #6 Column #7 Column #8 Column #9 Column #10

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DAILY MONITORING FORM

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DR. EARL RADMACHER AND WENDELL MILLERCREDIT GOES WHERE CREDIT BELONGS

Several years ago, Dr. Earl Radmacher, almost in passing, gave me a copy of Wendell Miller's bookForgiveness: the Power and the Puzzles. He'd been teaching a class on hermeneutics at the church I helppastor - and while there discussed the book with me and explained some of the principles it delineates. I wasintrigued - and resolved, therefore, to read it myself. Very few books have proven to be so profitable to mein ministry. And I encourage you to get a copy for yourself and, just as I did, read it through thoroughly.You'll be richly rewarded.

Not long after reading the book, I taught several classes using it as the centerpiece. And each time thestudents were blessed. But it didn't occur to me until at least two years later that many of its principles couldbe made an integral part of a marriage restoration project I was considering; after all, so much of thealienation that pervades troubled marriages is due to unresolved offenses.

I'm deeply indebted to both Dr. Radmacher for having introduced me to Wendell Miller's book and, ofcourse, to Mr. Miller himself. I trust that I've done justice to Mr. Miller's study - and whatever additions I'vemade are in keeping with his insights and serve only to make it more relevant to our specific purposes.

THE DANGER OF GIVING INTO WRATH

Let's start our lesson with a very brief examination of wrath - and let's begin by noting that God alone can actin wrath; men and women who give into wrath - who seek to act vindictively - inevitably poison themselves.

Romans 12:17 Recompense to no man evil for evil...

Romans 12:19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rathergive place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance ismine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

Hebrews 10:30 For we know him that hath said, Vengeancebelongeth unto me, I will recompense, saith theLord. And again, The Lord shall judge his people.

Isaiah 28:21 For the Lord shall rise up as in mount Perazim, heshall be wroth as in the valley of Gibeon, that hemay do his work, his strange (i.e., alien, foreign)work; and bring to pass his act, his strange (i.e.,alien, foreign) act.

What happens when you refuse to give up your wrath - meaning surrender it to God? Or when you onlysuppress it rather than give it up? It assumes a disguised form.

1. A child, upset with his parents, slacks off on his schoolwork - bringing home C’s and D’s ratherthan A’s and B’s. It’s all subconscious; but it’s certainly an effective means of “getting even.”

FORGIVENESS • LESSON I


2. A “pk” (a preacher's kid) becomes a juvenile delinquent - only dimly aware that what’s driving himis vengeance - striking back at his father for neglecting him. After all, what could more “get back”at his father than a son who’s “reprobate.”

3. A husband “comes down sick” just before taking his wife out to dinner - convinced, of course, thathe’s indeed ill - but knowing that his wife is disappointed - and delighted that she is.

4. A wife “burns the dinner” she’s making for her husband’s boss - knowing that her husband wantsto make a good impression - convinced, of course, that the ruined dinner is an accident, but secretlyharboring the thought that “justice has been meted out” because of her husband’s abuse.

Consider carefully and prayerfully the following verse:

Hebrews 12:15 Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace ofGod; lest any root of bitterness springing up troubleyou, and thereby many be defiled...

The first truth concerning forgiveness and offenses that we've got to grasp, therefore, is that under nocircumstances should any offense committed against us ever lead us into wrath - or an all-consumingindignation. First, make the decision to forsake “getting even.” Then ask God to, over time, eradicate eventhe “feeling” of vindictiveness. The fact that you feel vindictive is not a sin. It becomes a sin only if youdwell on it or act on it.

James 1:13 Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted ofGod: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neithertempteth he any man:

James 1:14 But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away ofhis own lust, and enticed.

James 1:15 Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin:and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.

The word “enticed” translates the Greek word “deleazo” (δελεαζω) - and it means to “to seduce” - or, morecolloquially, "to bait a hook." A "baited hook" isn't a sin; it becomes a sin only when - by an act of yourown will - you “take the bait.” At that point, the "hook is set" - and it becomes a sin.

“Resist the devil (meaning don’t take the bait) - and he will flee from you” - implying that even the“feeling,” the temptation itself, if not acted upon or dwelt upon, will eventually pass.

James 4:7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil,and he will flee from you.

LESSONS ON FORGIVENESS

Let’s turn to Matthew 6:9. Here we have the Lord’s prayer.

Matthew 6:9 After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Fatherwhich art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.

Matthew 6:10 Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as itis in heaven.

Matthew 6:11 Give us this day our daily bread.Matthew 6:12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.


Please note carefully verse 12.

Matthew 6:12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.

For it’s explanation, drop down to verses 14 and 15.

Matthew 6:14 For if you forgive men their transgressions, yourheavenly Father will also forgive you.

Matthew 6:15 But if you do not forgive men, then your Father willnot forgive your transgressions.

What’s this? It appears to be a condition attached to the doctrine of forgiveness. God will forgive us only ifwe forgive others; otherwise, God won't forgive us.

But is that the only condition attached to the doctrine of forgiveness? Turn with me to 1 John 1:9.

1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous toforgive us our sins and to cleanse us from allunrighteousness.

Here’s a second condition: confession. Forgiveness is apparently conditioned upon confession also - and,by implication, repentance as well - because true confession always implies repentance.

What we have, then, are two conditions which are evidently attached to God’s forgiveness:

1. our forgiveness of others; and2. confession of our own personal sins.

Does that mean that my salvation is conditional? Can I lose it? After all, salvation is founded upon thedoctrine of forgiveness; and if forgiveness itself is conditional, my salvation must be conditional as well.Right?

Which is it? Is my salvation sealed? Is it guaranteed? Or can I lose it?

Ephesians 2:8-9 seems to suggest that my salvation is unconditional and forever sealed:

Ephesians 2:8-9 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that notof yourselves: it is the gift of God:Not of works, lest any man should boast.

Salvation is a free gift - clearly implying, by definition, that it’s not subject to revocation. When I tender agift, I surrender its ownership - and give up all right to retrieve it. I cannot reclaim it.

Now, let’s examine Ephesians 1:12-14.

Ephesians 1:12 That we should be to the praise of his glory, whofirst trusted in Christ.

Ephesians 1:13 In whom ye also trusted, after that ye heard the wordof truth, the gospel of your salvation: in whom alsoafter that ye believed, ye were sealed with that holySpirit of promise,

Ephesians 1:14 Which is the earnest of our inheritance until theredemption of the purchased possession, unto thepraise of his glory.


The word “sealed” in verse 13 conveys the sense of a “fixed destiny” - a destiny not subject to change. Andit’s the Holy Spirit himself who both affixes the seal and who himself is the seal. The word “earnest” inverse 14 means “pledge;” technically, it’s a “down-payment” which obligates the person tendering it tocomplete the transaction. Verse 14 teaches us that God has obligated himself to finish our salvation - thathaving undertaken that task, he will faithfully complete it - utterly.

Hebrews 6:17 Wherein God, willing more abundantly to shew untothe heirs of promise the immutability of his counsel,confirmed it by an oath:

Hebrews 6:18 That by two immutable things, in which it wasimpossible for God to lie, we might have a strongconsolation, who have fled for refuge to lay holdupon the hope set before us...

Hebrews 7:25 Wherefore he is able also to save them to theuttermost that come unto God by him, seeing heever liveth to make intercession for them.

But, then, once again, what about Matthew 6:9-15 and 1 John 1:9? Both passages, as we’ve already noted,clearly attach two conditions to the doctrine of forgiveness - thereby suggesting that it’s possible to forfeitmy salvation if, following my conversion...

1. I don’t forgive others, or

2. I refuse to confess and repent of my own personal sins.

Let’s think a moment. What does forgiveness mean?

Actually, we find that forgiveness possesses a very technical meaning in the Scriptures - especially in theNew Testament. What does it mean to forgive?

God forgives me. What exactly does that mean?

I forgive someone who has sinned against me? What exactly does that mean? What does it look like? Howdoes it feel? What’s its texture?

The word most often translated “forgive” in English is the Greek word “aphiemi” (αφιηµι). And it means torelease; to send away; to let go. When God forgives, he releases. Likewise, when we forgive, we release.And when others forgive us, they release us. That’s the meaning of forgiveness. Release.

But what exactly is it that the act of forgiveness releases me from? God has forgiven me - meaning he’sreleased me. But from what? Turn with me to 2�Thessalonians 1:8-9. Here in this passage of scripture thetopic is the judgment of God.

2 Thess. 1:8 In flaming fire taking vengeance on them that knownot God, and that obey not the gospel of our LordJesus Christ:

2 Thess. 1:9 Who shall be punished with everlasting destructionfrom the presence of the Lord, and from the glory ofhis power.

“Vengeance” here in verse 8 is linked to “punished” (implying “penalty”) in verse 9. The penalty theunsaved will bear is “everlasting destruction.” Death.


But Christ has released me from bearing that penalty - from being subjected to the wrath of God.

Romans 5:9 Much more then, being now justified by his blood,we shall be saved from wrath through him.

Christ bore God’s wrath for me - in my place. That’s what it means to be forgiven. I’ve been released frombearing the penalty for my sin, death, God’s wrath. I’ve passed from death to life.

John 5:24 Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears My word,and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, anddoes not come into judgment (unto wrath), but haspassed out of death into life.

But is that all? Is that the only release God’s forgiveness secures for me? No. There is a second kind ofrelease as well - and it too is mentioned in 2 Thessalonians 1:9 - alienation from God - implied in the phrase“away from the presence of the Lord...”


I’m released from alienation - meaning that I’m restored to fellowship with God.

2 Cor. 5:18 Now all these things are from God, who reconciledus to Himself through Christ, and gave us theministry of reconciliation...

The word “reconciliation” always implies restoration to fellowship. Hence, when I’m told in 2�Corinthians5:18 that I’ve been reconciled to God, the meaning is that I’ve been restored to his presence - my relationshipwith God has been restored; my alienation from God has been terminated.

So God’s forgiveness has released me in a twofold sense:

1. in the first sense: from bearing the penalty of my sin, death, God’s wrath; and, in the second sense,2. it has released me from alienation. I’m restored to fellowship with God.

Let’s not confuse the two.

Let me put it this way to you: many years ago, I owned a beautiful, brand new, Datsun pickup. I lent it to afriend of mine. He took it up into the foothills to cut down some trees, split them into logs - and then, ofcourse, brought them back home in my pickup. In the process, he dented up my truck pretty badly. I wasvery angry when he got home. But he didn’t have the money to get it repaired. So, after I calmed down, Iforgave him his debt. But I never let him borrow my pickup again.

1. I released him from paying for the repairs - that’s forgiveness from the penalty of sin. He owed meclose to a thousand dollars due to dents he made in my truck. And I released him from that debt.

2. But I didn’t release him from alienation - I kept him away from my pickup from that point on. Inever again trusted him with my possessions - implying that I never again restored him to the samelevel of fellowship with me that he once enjoyed.

Can you imagine the possibility of God releasing us from the penalty of our sins - death; but never againpermitting us to enjoy fellowship with Him - at least not on the same level He was willing to extend to Adam


in the Garden before Adam sinned? In other words, can you imagine God doing to us what I did to myfriend after he damaged my pickup? That would be awful, wouldn't it!

However, God has not only forgiven us the penalty of our sins, death, but, in addition, he has restored us tofellowship - and at a level which actually surpasses the fellowship Adam enjoyed with God. Can youimagine that? In fact, in one sense, God has forgiven us for the purpose of restoring his fellowship with us.Ultimately, fellowship is why God has forgiven us.

Once again, it’s not just that God has released you from the penalty your sins have so justly incurred; it’s thatyou have been granted the privilege of being brought back again into God’s presence. And that’s really thepurpose of salvation.

Nevertheless, it’s critically important to keep these two kinds of forgiveness completely distinct in yourmind. Because it’s that distinction which provides the solution to the problem we posed just minutes ago.Can I lose my salvation? If I don’t forgive others, is my salvation put in jeopardy? If I don’t confess andrepent of all my sins, is my salvation threatened?

Wherever in the scriptures God makes forgiveness contingent upon either1. forgiving others or2. confession,

that forgiveness pertains to fellowship. But wherever in the scriptures God makes forgivenessunconditional, that forgiveness pertains to penalty.

Let me give you an example. Let’s examine again 1 John 1:9


In this case, forgiveness is clearly conditional - it’s conditioned upon confession - and, by implication,repentance. God extends His forgiveness only after we’ve confessed our sins.

But look closely at the context. What’s at issue here? Let’s read from verse 3.

1 John 1:3 ...what we have seen and heard we proclaim to youalso, that you also may have fellowship with us; andindeed our fellowship is with the Father, and withHis Son Jesus Christ.

1 John 1:4 And these things we write, so that our joy may bemade complete.

1 John 1:5 And this is the message we have heard from Himand announce to you, that God is light, and in Himthere is no darkness at all.

1 John 1:6 If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yetwalk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice thetruth;

1 John 1:7 but if we walk in the light as He Himself is in thelight, we have fellowship with one another, and theblood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.

What’s at issue here is fellowship. To be forgiven here implies restoration to fellowship. The issue here isfellowship, not penalty.


Is it possible, then, for God, following my conversion, to release me unconditionally from the penalty of anysins I may commit, but to only conditionally release me from his alienation? The answer is “yes.”

When I’m first saved - when I ask Jesus into my heart - I’m instantaneously forgiven in two senses:

1. I’m released from the penalty of sin, death; and2. I’m released from alienation - and restored to fellowship with God.

But, following my conversion, though my release from the penalty of sin continues to be unconditional, myfellowship with God is conditioned upon forgiving others their sins and confessing and repenting of my own.

In other words, it’s possible for a Christian to be in either one of two states:

1. State #1a. released from the penalty of sins, death; and, in addition,b. in fellowship with God; or

2. State #2a. released from the penalty of sins, death, butb. alienated from fellowship with God.

The one is a spiritual Christian; and the other is a carnal Christian; both are saved, but one is in fellowshipwith God and the other is estranged from God - he has forfeited his fellowship with God. It's the very samedistinction Paul makes in his First Epistle to the Corinthians.

1 Cor. 3:1 And I, brethren, could not speak unto you as untospiritual, but as unto carnal, even as unto babes inChrist.

1 Cor. 3:2 I have fed you with milk, and not with meat: forhitherto ye were not able to bear it, neither yet noware ye able.

1 Cor. 3:3 For ye are yet carnal: for whereas there is amongyou envying, and strife, and divisions, are ye notcarnal, and walk as men?

Notice carefully that Paul addresses those to whom he's speaking as "brethren;" but he tells them that they'recarnal, not spiritual. Clearly, then, it's possible to be saved, but not truly spiritual.

FURTHER EXPLANATION

Let’s turn to Hebrews 9:12

Hebrews 9:12 ...and not through the blood of goats and calves, butthrough His own blood, He entered the holy placeonce for all, having obtained eternal redemption forus


The phrase “once for all” is a single Greek word, “ephapax” (εφαπαξ). It’s used only five times in the NewTestament - four of which pertain to the atonement - and each time it’s used in reference to the atonement itconveys the sense of being:

1. unrepeatable;2. irreversible, and3. immutable or unchanging.

#1 Rom. 6:10 For the death that He died, He died to sin, once for all; but the life that Helives, He lives to God.

#2 Heb. 7:26 For such an high priest became us, who is holy, harmless, undefiled, separatefrom sinners, and made higher than the heavens;

Heb. 7:27 who does not need daily, like those high priests (the levitical priests), to offerup sacrifices, first for His own sins, and then for the sins of the people, becausethis He did once for all when He offered up Himself.

#3 Heb. 9:12 and not through the blood of goats and calves, but through His own blood, Heentered the holy place once for all, having obtained eternal redemption.

#4 Heb. 10:10 By this will we have been sanctified through the offering of the body of JesusChrist once for all.

Salvation, therefore, is unrepeatable, irreversible, and not subject to change.

Now, let’s examine a second word that’s used in Hebrews 9:12 - the word “eternal” - in the phrase “eternalredemption.”

Hebrews 9:12 ...and not through the blood of goats and calves, butthrough His own blood, He entered the holy placeonce for all, having obtained eternal redemption forus

It translates the Greek word “aionios” (αιωνιος) - which conveys the sense of

1. everlasting,2. never ceasing, and3. always in full force and effect.

Its use is uniformly consistent throughout the entire Book of Hebrews. The following three verses areexamples:

Heb. 9:14 how much more will the blood of Christ, whothrough the eternal Spirit offered Himself withoutblemish to God, cleanse your conscience from deadworks to serve the living God?

Heb. 9:15 And for this reason He is the mediator of a newcovenant, in order that since a death has taken placefor the redemption of the transgressions that werecommitted under the first covenant, those who havebeen called may receive the promise of the eternalinheritance.


Heb. 13:20 Now the God of peace, who brought up from thedead the great Shepherd of the sheep through theblood of the eternal covenant, even Jesus our Lord,

In each case, the item described possesses the quality of being (1) everlasting, (2) never ceasing, and (3)always in full force and effect.

1. In verse 9:14, it’s the Spirit of God;

2. in verse 9:15, it’s the inheritance of the saints; and

3. in verse 13:20, it’s the covenant of salvation

The following are additional examples; but in each instance the adjective “aionios” modifies a noun whichclearly pertains to salvation:

Hebrews 5:9 And being made perfect, he became the author ofeternal (aionios) salvation unto all them that obeyhim...

John 3:36 He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting(aionios) life...

John 5:24 Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that heareth myword, and believeth on him that sent me, hatheverlasting (aionios) life, and shall not come intocondemnation; but is passed from death unto life.

Salvation, therefore, is everlasting, never ceasing, and always in full force and effect.

Now, turn with me to 1 Peter 1:23 - and let’s examine another adjective that’s often used to describe thenature of our redemption:

1 Peter 1:23 Being born again, not of corruptible seed, but ofincorruptible, by the word of God, which liveth andabideth for ever.

The word translated “incorruptible” is “aphthartos” (αφθαρτος). It means “undecaying” - but it actuallymeans more; it means “not subject to decay.” The following are a few verses that convey that meaningunambiguously:

Rom. 1:23 ...and exchanged the glory of the incorruptible Godfor an image in the form of corruptible man and ofbirds and four-footed animals and crawlingcreatures.

Here, “aphthartos” is translated “incorruptible” - and it’s used to indicate that God is not subject to change;He is not subject to decay or degradation. God is “aphthartos.”

1 Cor. 15:52 ...in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the lasttrumpet; for the trumpet will sound, and the deadwill be raised imperishable, and we shall bechanged.


Here, “aphthartos” is translated “imperishable;” and it’s used to point out that when the dead in Christ areraised in resurrection, their state will not be subject to decay or degradation - sharing the very same qualityof holiness possessed by God Himself. 1 Corinthians 15:52 teaches us that “aphthartos” is meant toencompass not only our spirit and soul, but our physical bodies as well.

1 Tim. 1:17 Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, theonly God, be honor and glory forever and ever.Amen.

Here we have “aphthartos” translated “immortal.” Like Romans 1:23, it’s used here to point out theimmutability of God; that God is not subject to change; not subject to decay or degradation. God is“aphthartos.”

Now, let’s return to 1 Peter 1:23. And note carefully that the “seed” - which clearly symbolizes ourredemption - is “aphthartos” - not subject to degradation.1 It may not always germinate to the point of“bearing fruit;” but it can’t be destroyed; its potential remains untainted and always intact. It’s“aphthartos.”

But there’s more. Salvation is a free gift. Nothing could be clearer in scripture. It’s neither earned normaintained on the basis of “works.” And its only condition is “belief.”

Ephesians 2:8-9 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that notof yourselves: it is the gift of God:Not of works, lest any man should boast.

Romans 3:24 Being justified freely by his grace through theredemption that is in Christ Jesus...

John 3:36 He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life...

John 5:24 Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that heareth myword, and believeth on him that sent me, hatheverlasting life, and shall not come intocondemnation; but is passed from death unto life.

1. In 1 Peter 1:23, it’s important to note that Peter, unlike Jesus in Luke 8:11, does not make “seed” a metaphor for “the word ofGod.” Instead, he makes it a metaphor for “salvation.” If “seed” were merely a metaphor for “the word of God,” then, essentially,the verse would read: “You have been born anew, not of perishable but of imperishable seed, which is the living and enduring wordof God.” No one, whether Calvinist or Arminian, would deny that the “Word of God” is “aphthartos.” What’s at issue between thetwo is “salvation,” not the word of God. Is salvation “aphthartos”? The original Greek, however, is unambiguous:“...αναγεγεννηµενοι ουκ εκ σπορας φθαρτης αλλα αφθαρτου δια λογου...” The word “αναγεγεννηµενοι” means “having beenregenerated.” “εκ” is the Greek preposition meaning “out of.” The question, then, is “regenerated from what?” Clearly, “σπορας”.“σπορας” is the Greek word for “seed.” Regeneration, therefore, arises from “out of” the “seed” - αναγεγεννηµενοι εκ σπορας −proving, therefore, that “seed” is a metaphor for salvation; and carefully note that the adjective modifying σπορας is αφθαρτου -“imperishable.” Moreover, we should take note that Peter goes to extra length to stress the imperishable quality of our salvation byusing the contrast ουκ εκ σπορας φθαρτης - “not from out of perishable seed.” Clearly, then, salvation originates from a seedimplanted within the heart of man the moment he’s born again - and that seed is “aphthartos” - not subject to decay - imperishable.“δια λογου” is properly translated “by means of the word.” “δια” is often used to convey the sense of “agency.” The agency bymeans of which it’s effected is the word of God. Clearly, salvation is aphthartos. It’s not that the word of God is aphthartos -which, of course it is; it’s that salvation is also aphthartos.

FOOTNOTES


Our release from wrath, then, is

1. ephapax - once and for all - irreversible;

2. aionios - everlasting - never ceasing - always in full force and effect - and

3. aphthartos - not subject to degradation - not subject to decay.

4. And, finally, it’s a gift - conditioned only upon belief.

It’s irreversible; there is no need to restore it - or to maintain it. It’s continually applied. It’s forever in fullforce and effect; and, finally, it’s a free gift - and, as such, belongs to us unconditionally.

Look closely once again: Hebrews 9:12 is not in conflict with either 1 John 1:7-9 (confession as a condition)or Matthew 6:12 (forgiveness of others as a condition) or any other such verse. It’s simply that the release atissue in Hebrews 9:12 pertains to the penalty for sins - and, as such, is unconditional and eternal; and therelease at issue in 1 John 1:7-9 and Matthew 6:12 pertains to fellowship - and, as such, is, followingconversion, conditioned upon forgiving others their sins and confessing and repenting of one's own sins.

BOTH SENSES OF FORGIVENESS IN ONE PASSAGE

Both senses of the word forgiveness are laid out for us in 1 John; specifically 1 John 1:9 and, then just twoverses later, 1 John 2:1. In 1 John 1:9, forgiveness is clearly conditioned upon confession:


Here, as we’ve already made clear, the issue is fellowship.

But look now at 1 John 2:1 - just two verses down:

1 John 2:1 My little children, I am writing these things to youthat you may not sin. And if anyone sins, we have anAdvocate with the Father, Jesus Christ therighteous...

Here, clearly, the only condition attached to Christ’s advocacy is an instance of sin - “...if anyone sins, wehave an Advocate...” The term “Advocate” here is the equivalent of the term “High Priest” used in theBook of Hebrews; and, therefore, it’s not surprising that the meaning of 1 John 2:1 is the same conveyed inHebrews 7:24-27 - that our salvation is unconditional.

Hebrews 7:24 But this man, because he continueth ever, hath anunchangeable priesthood.

Hebrews 7:25 Wherefore he is able also to save them to theuttermost that come unto God by him, seeing he everliveth to make intercession for them.

Hebrews 7:26 For such an high priest became us, who is holy,harmless, undefiled, separate from sinners, and madehigher than the heavens;


Hebrews 7:27 Who needeth not daily, as those high priests, to offerup sacrifice, first for his own sins, and then for thepeople’s: for this he did once, when he offered uphimself.

1 John 1:9 speaks to the issue of “fellowship-forgiveness” - and, as such, it’s conditional. 1 John 2:1 speaksto the issue of “penalty-forgiveness” - and, as such, is unconditional. Whenever we sin, our advocate stepsforward in our behalf - and intercedes for us with his own blood. There’s no need for us to call upon him tostep forward: he steps forward on his own and pleads our case. What prompts his ministry is simply our sin- that itself and nothing more.

FELLOWSHIP AND ITS RELATIONSHIP TO TRANSFORMATION

Some Christians might tend to take lightly the forfeiture of God’s fellowship; after all, our salvation isguaranteed - meaning we don’t stand in jeopardy of being consigned to hell. However, alienation fromGod’s presence - loss of his fellowship - is very serious - and its consequences tragic. Anyone forfeiting hisfellowship with God forfeits as well all hope of undergoing transformation before the resurrection of thedead. Why? Because transformation is secured through the presence of God.

2 Cor. 3:18 But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass theglory of the Lord, are changed into the same imagefrom glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of theLord.

The seed (a metaphor for salvation) remains intact - with none of its potential having been compromised; butit doesn’t germinate: no fruit is produced. The fruit of the Spirit is never brought forth.

Galatians 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace,longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,

Galatians 5:23 Meekness, temperance...

In addition, anyone forfeiting fellowship with God will suffer loss at the Judgment Seat of Christ;specifically, he will lose the opportunity to rule and reign with Christ - because without the fruit of the Spiritcoursing through his life, he will be unable to effectively and profitably serve God. He will, at best, produceonly wood, hay, and stubble. He will be unable to produce gold, silver, and precious stones. Note carefullythe following verses - most especially verses 14 and 15 of 1 Corinthians 3: salvation is assured, in the sensethat the “fire” does not destroy the person being judged; nevertheless, a very real loss of some kind is clearlysustained. What loss? That’s made clear in other passages of scripture; specifically, the loss of sharing inChrist’s millennial reign - Luke 19:17; Matthew 25:21; Revelation 2:26, etc.

1 Cor. 3:12 Now if any man build upon this foundation gold,silver, precious stones, wood, hay, stubble;

1 Cor. 3:13 Every man’s work shall be made manifest: for theday shall declare it, because it shall be revealed byfire; and the fire shall try every man’s work of whatsort it is.

1 Cor. 3:14 If any man’s work abide which he hath builtthereupon, he shall receive a reward.

1 Cor. 3:15 If any man’s work shall be burned, he shall sufferloss: but he himself shall be saved; yet so as by fire.

Luke 19:17 And he said unto him, Well, thou good servant:because thou hast been faithful in a very little, havethou authority over ten cities.


Matt 25:21 His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good andfaithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a fewthings, I will make thee ruler over many things: enterthou into the joy of thy lord.

Rev. 2:26 And he that overcometh, and keepeth my works untothe end, to him will I give power over the nations:

SAME PRINCIPLES APPLY TO FORGIVING OTHERS

The twofold meaning of forgiveness not only applies to your own personal relationship with God, but,additionally, it applies to your relationship with fellow believers. In other words, God extends forgiveness tome on both an unconditional and a conditional basis - with the first pertaining to penalty and the secondpertaining to fellowship. And the same holds true between believers: believers extend forgiveness to eachother on both an unconditional and a conditional basis - with the first pertaining to penalty and the secondpertaining to fellowship.

Turn with me to Mark 11:25

Mark 11:25 And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye haveought against any: that your Father also which is inheaven may forgive you your trespasses.

It’s unconditional. Forgive the person who’s sinned against you - that’s all there is to it - just do it. Notealso that it’s a transaction between you and God: it doesn’t involve the person who’s sinned against you - andagainst whom, as a result of that sin, you “have ought against.”

Now turn with me to Luke 17:3

Luke 17:3 Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespassagainst thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgivehim.

Here your forgiveness is conditional, not unconditional. Are these two verses in conflict? No. No morethan Hebrews 9:12 and 1 John 1:7-9. It’s merely that Mark 11:25 pertains to penalty: you’re being asked toforsake getting even with the person who’s offended you - to release him from your personal wrath - andthat’s unconditional; while Luke 17:3 pertains to fellowship - and that’s conditional; specifically, it’sconditioned upon his repentance.

Pray carefully over all you’ve been taught. It’s important for you to grasp it thoroughly. Forgiveness is noteasy to understand or to process. That’s why Jesus himself warns us in Luke 17:3, “Take heed...” - meaning,understanding and processing forgiveness requires your full attention. May God lead you into all thewisdom his counsel provides. May he grant you a full measure of wisdom and revelation.

HOMEWORK

You should already have begun reading the lesson for next week, "Lesson on Hebrews 6:1-6." If you haven'talready finished reading it, finish it as soon as possible. Don't procrastinate. The lesson, to be thoroughlyassimilated, needs lots of time for reflection.

Also, please begin reading Chapter 3 - Forgiveness: Lesson II." Read it over thoughtfully and carefully -with plenty of time set aside for quiet reflection. It can't be rushed.


STUDENT NOTES


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FORGIVENESS©

CHAPTER 2THE LESSON HEBREWS 6:1-6 TEACHES

Don't Presume on God's grace


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It's important to pause here before taking up Lesson II on forgiveness. We need to examine two subsidiaryissues that arise from last week's lesson: (1) the doctrine of eternal security; and (2) the possibility ofpresuming on God's grace given the doctrine of eternal security. Perhaps the best means of addressing thesetwo issues is to take a good look at Hebrews 6:1-6...

Hebrews 6:1 Therefore leaving the principles of the doctrine ofChrist, let us go on unto perfection; not laying againthe foundation of repentance from dead works, andof faith toward God,

Hebrews 6:2 Of the doctrine of baptisms, and of laying on ofhands, and of resurrection of the dead, and of eternaljudgment.

Hebrews 6:3 And this will we do, if God permit.Hebrews 6:4 For it is impossible for those who were once

enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift,and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost,

Hebrews 6:5 And have tasted the good word of God, and thepowers of the world to come,

Hebrews 6:6 If they shall fall away, to renew them again untorepentance; seeing they crucify to themselves theSon of God afresh, and put him to an open shame.

This is a passage of Scripture many Christians think undercuts the doctrine we've just elucidated in the lastchapter. There we pointed out that "forgiveness" is twofold: first, God releases sinners from his wrath - andthat's unconditional.

Romans 5:8 But God commendeth his love toward us, in that,while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.


He promises that they will never again stand in jeopardy of hell. And we examined in some detail theScriptural basis underlying that teaching. However, he also releases sinners from alienation and restoresthem to his fellowship - that, however, is conditional: it's contingent upon two factors: their forgiveness ofothers (Matt. 6:14-15) and their confession of whatever personal sins they commit following their conversion(1 John 1:9).

Hebrews 6:1-6, however, was not specifically addressed in our examination of "unconditional forgiveness."And it's that passage - perhaps more than any other - that Christians find the most troubling. The point that Imake here is that Hebrews 6:1-6 does not address the issue of salvation at all; it is, indeed, a very soberingmessage; but it's the promised rest of God, not salvation, that is its focus.

Read over the lesson carefully; but, in so doing, don't play down the "fear" it's meant to inculcate. The issuemay not be salvation, but that should not reduce the impact of its message.

THE LESSON HEBREWS 6:1-6 TEACHESDon't Presume on God's grace


The truth we’re examining here is one that’s seldom highlighted. It’s a sobering truth. And it’s desperatelyneeded today - when so often all that’s taught is “easy-believism” - and “greasy grace.”

Turn with me now to Hebrews 6:1. The whole purpose of the Book of Hebrews can be summed up in the sixwords I’ve highlighted in the middle of verse 1.

Heb. 6:1 Therefore leaving the principles of the doctrine ofChrist (i.e., the basics of the faith), let us go on untomaturity; not laying again the foundation ofrepentance from dead works, and of faith towardGod...

“Let us go on unto maturity” - meaning “Let’s grow up.”

The problem with so many Christians - here in the Book of Hebrews it happens to be Jewish Christians, butit could just as easily be Gentile Christians - is that, though for many years they’ve known the joy of beingpardoned from their sins, they haven’t grown up. There’s been no real change in their lives. They’reChristians, but they’ve never gone on to maturity; they’re still babes in Christ.

Let me show you what I mean - let’s back up just a little - into Chapter 5 - and read the verses just prior toHebrews 6:1 - Hebrews 5:8-14 - because these verses help to set the context for Hebrews 6:1.

The author of Hebrews is just getting started with an explanation of the Melchisedecian priesthood; it’s anextraordinary teaching - a glorious teaching - meant to reveal the deeper riches of what God has laid up forus in Christ; but in the middle of his explanation he suddenly and quite unexpectedly breaks off. Let meshow you what I mean - beginning with verse�8...

Heb. 5:8 Though he were a Son (speaking here of Christ), yetlearned he obedience by the things that he suffered;

Heb. 5:9 And being made perfect, he became the author ofeternal salvation unto all them that obey him;

Heb. 5:10 Called of God a high priest after the order ofMelchisedec.

Here’s the break! The author would like to go on; but he doesn’t; he stops himself - and pay close attentionto what he says:

Heb. 5:11 Of whom (i.e., Melchisedec) we have many things tosay, and hard to be uttered (i.e., difficult toexplain), seeing ye are dull of hearing (i.e., hard toteach).

Heb. 5:12 For when by this time ye ought to be teachers, yehave need that one teach you again the firstprinciples of the oracles of God (i.e., the basicdoctrines of the faith); and are become such as haveneed of milk, and not of strong meat.

Heb. 5:13 For every one who uses milk is unskilful in the wordof righteousness: for he is a babe.

Heb. 5:14 But strong meat belongeth to them who are of fullage (i.e., who are mature), even those who by reasonof use have their senses exercised to discern bothgood and evil.


First, let me clear up the meaning of the phrase “even those who by reason of use have their senses exercisedto discern both good and evil.” Do you see it there in verse 14? It’s not a phrase which suggests mysticism;we’re not talking here about a “word of knowledge” or a “prophetic word” or a “word of wisdom.” That’snot what this phrase means. It’s a colloquial expression meaning “put into practice what you’ve learned” -or, put a little differently, “walk out the truths you’ve been taught.”

Let’s read verse 14 with this change.

Heb. 5:14 But strong meat (which is what the teaching onMelchisedec is) belongs to them who are mature,even those who have put into practice what they’velearned - and who have walked out the truths they’vebeen taught.

The author can’t continue with his teaching on Melchisedec because his students are too immature. Theyhaven’t grown to the point that they can handle difficult teachings. And why? Because they haven’t yet putinto practice the little they have learned. That’s the meaning of Hebrews 5:11-14.

For example, it’s one thing to know that the “fruit of the spirit” consists of love, joy, peace, patience,gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and self-control; but it’s quite another to have cultivated those virtuesin your own life - so that you’re actually walking them out.

Let’s take one of those virtues to illustrate the point I’m making - self-control: there are many Christians whoknow that “self-control” is the mark of a genuinely mature Christian - that self-control is a fruit of the Spirit.Why is it, then, that so many of those same Christians can’t seem to break themselves free of

1. drug addiction,2. alcoholism,3. sexual immorality,4. pornography,5. and other sinful vices that even the unsaved know are wretched and evil?

Why is that?

It’s because they’ve never grown up. They’ve never put into practice the little they have learned. They’venever truly appropriated for themselves the grace of God and made use of it. They know the truth, butthey’ve never walked it out.

Let’s take another of those virtues - joy: There are many Christians who know that joy is a mark of agenuinely mature Christian - and that it’s a joy that transcends whatever circumstances beset them. Why isit, then, that so many of those same Christians are so often “on a bummer” - so frequently depressed andanxiety-ridden? Why is it that they can’t seem to put a smile on their faces.....

1. unless “all their ducks are lined up,”2. unless their income is steady and their job is fulfilling and meaningful,3. unless they’re able to buy a new car and keep up with the “Jones,”4. unless they’re living in the right neighborhood and their children are attending the right schools,5. unless their wife treats them just so, or unless their husband treats them just so, or unless their

friends treat them just so, or unless their boss treats them just so?


Why is that? It’s because they’ve never grown up. They’ve never put into practice the little they havelearned. They’ve never truly appropriated for themselves the grace of God and made use of it. They knowthe truth, but they’ve never walked it out.

This, then, is the immediate context of Hebrews 6:1 - which is the verse we examined at the very beginningof this evening’s teaching - which tells us to “grow up.” Hebrews 5:8-14 leads us to Hebrews 6:1. Theissue here is a stubborn refusal to grow up - to press on to maturity - to stop being a baby; to stop makingexcuses.

Let’s now read the whole six verse passage that Hebrews 6:1 begins.

Heb. 6:1-2 Therefore leaving the principles of the doctrine ofChrist,

And what follows here is a list of some, though not all, of the basic doctrines of the faith:

a. repentance from dead works,b. faith in God...c. baptism,d. laying on of hands (meaning the impartation of authority),e. the resurrection of the dead, andf. eternal judgment.

let us press on to maturity;Heb. 6:3 And this will we do, if God permits.Heb. 6:4 For it is impossible for those who were once

enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift,and were made partakers of the Holy Spirit,

Heb. 6:5 And have tasted the good word of God, and thepowers of the age to come,

Heb. 6:6 If they shall fall away, to renew them again untorepentance...

That’s the whole passage; now let’s examine it in detail. I’ve already pointed out to you that verses 1 and 2are simply telling us to “grow up.” But the key verse here is verse 3. And it’s a very scary verse. All toooften we find ourselves riveted on verses 4 and 6 - which, when joined together - read

Heb. 6:4 For it is impossible ...Heb. 6:6 If they shall fall away, to renew them again unto

repentance...

But the really fearful verse is verse 3, not verses 4 and 6. Verses 4 and 6 merely elaborate verse 3. Look atit closely - and let its meaning sink down into your consciousness.

Heb. 6:3 And this will we do (meaning ‘press on tomaturity’), if God permits.

Do you see what’s being said here? Do you see that little word “if”? It’s not merely a matter of finallywanting to grow up - of at long last smelling the coffee and coming to our senses; it’s just as much a matterof God permitting us to grow up. Do you see that? Let’s look at it again.

Heb. 6:3 And this will we do, if God permits.


Is the Bible actually saying that it’s possible that God...

1. won’t permit me to go on;2. won’t let me grow up;3. that though I acknowledge at long last that I’m a carnal (1 Cor. 3:1) Christian - that though I

finally confess that I haven’t pressed on to maturity - that I’ve wasted much time - that now thatI’m finally ready to move forward, God won’t permit it?

Yes, that’s exactly what’s being said here! It’s possible that God won’t permit you to go on if you’ve wastedtoo much time...

1. if year after year you refused to believe his promises;2. if year after year you hardened your heart to his appeals and his pleas;3. if year after year you refused to make your marriage right - and weren’t kind and gentle to your

wife;4. if year after year you made excuses for your drinking, for your use of drugs, your pornography,

your evil temper, your impatience, your anger;5. if year after year you didn’t humble yourself;6. if year after year you distanced yourself from others and held onto your bitterness and your

judgmental spirit;7. if year after year you put your career ahead of God - promising that next year it would be different,

but it never was.

Finally, one day, you come to your senses - a crisis occurs; you awaken to the mess you’ve made of your lifeand the shame you’ve heaped upon God and your loved ones - and you cry out to the Lord, “I want to go on.I want to cross over into the Promised Land. I’m tired of wandering in this Wilderness. I want victory in mylife.”

But the Book of Hebrews solemnly warns you...

1. that it might be too late;2. that God might not permit you to achieve victory.3. that God might not let you cross over into the Promised Land.

Hasn’t anyone ever taught you this before? It’s a truth that stalks the pages of the New Testament. It’s awarning that’s plainly declared throughout all scripture - Old and New Testaments alike. There comes a timewhen God won’t honor your supposed repentance anymore. That’s the meaning of verse 3. Your repentancenotwithstanding, God won’t permit you to go on to maturity - he’ll consign you to wandering aimlessly inthe Wilderness.

The teaching here in Hebrews 6 hearkens back to a sobering lesson taught in Numbers 13 and 14. Bear inmind that Hebrews 6 follows a lengthy teaching on Israel’s exodus from Egypt - and her forty years ofwandering in the Wilderness. That’s the subject matter of Hebrews 3:1 through 5:10. And it’s against thatbackdrop that Hebrews 6:1-6 must be understood. It doesn’t stand alone. And all too often pastors are guiltyof tearing these verses not only from their immediate context, but from their larger context as well. Hebrews5:11-14 is the immediate context; and Hebrews 3:1 through 5:10 along with Numbers Chapters 13 and 14constitute the larger context.

Let’s turn to Numbers 13 and 14. We’ll begin with Numbers 13:1-2...

Numbers 13:1 And the Lord spake unto Moses, saying,


Numbers 13:2 Send thou men, that they may search the land ofCanaan, which I give unto the children of Israel: ofevery tribe of their fathers shall ye send a man, everyone a ruler among them.

Israel is now at Kadesh Barnea. (Take some time and inspect the map below; read over the caption as well.The text of the lesson itself is continued on the next page.)

ISRAEL'S FAILURE AT KADESH BARNEA

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Exodus route before rebellion at Kadesh Barnea

Israel repents the next day and attempts invasionIsrael turns back into the Wilderness

Legend:

Hebrews 6 can’t be properly understood if it’s torn from context - and that’s what’s almost always done. When its context is identified and it’sexegeted in light of that context, it becomes readily apparent that salvation is not what’s at issue. The explanation is fairly straightforward: thecontext of Hebrews 6 is established in chapters 4 and 5 - which address the issue of Israel’s failure to believe God - specifically, when sherebelled against God at Kadesh Barnea, God’s designated staging area for the conquest of Canaan. That incident is recorded in Numbers 14.Israel’s rebellion prompted God to order her back into the Wilderness - away from Kadesh Barnea. During the evening, however, after Mosesannounced God’s intention, Israel wept - and the next morning she repented.

...and the people mourned greatly. And they rose early in the morning and went upto the top of the mountain, saying, “Here we are, and we will go up to the placewhich the Lord has promised, for we have sinned.”

But God refused to honor her repentance - which defines the meaning of Hebrews 6:4 - “...if they fall away to renew them again to repentance...”;and when she attacked, the Canaanites repulsed her. She was not permitted to go forward into the Promised Land - which defines the meaningof Hebrews 6:3 - “...if God permits.” But did God’s refusal to honor Israel’s repentance imply his rejection of her? Of course not! How canwe be sure? It’s simple: God accompanied Israel throughout her entire 40 years of wandering; though God denied to Israel possession of thePromised Land, he never withdrew his presence: the Ark of the Covenant remained; the “Cloud” by day and the “Pillar of Fire” by night continuedto stand guard over Israel’s camp; etc. Clearly, then, salvation is not what’s at issue in Hebrews 6; it’s the “REST” that Hebrews 4 and 5 so clearlytell us that possession of Canaan is meant to symbolize.


It’s been two years since Israel’s exodus from Egypt. During much of that time, Israel has been camped atthe base of Mount Sinai -

1. where God gave Moses the tables of the Law,2. where the Tabernacle was built,3. where the Priesthood was organized and commissioned, and4. where the sacrifices were ordained.

She’s now at the staging area God has selected for the invasion of Canaan. There in Kadesh Barnea, Mosessends twelve spies into Canaan to gather additional information about the Land and about the people livingthere. That’s what Numbers 13:1-2 is all about.

After forty days, the spies return - and we pick up the story in Numbers 13:25. Now remember, this is whatsets the backdrop for Hebrews 6:1-6.

Num 13:25 And they returned from searching out the land afterforty days.

Num 13:26 And they went and came to Moses, and to Aaron,and to all the congregation of the children of Israel,unto the wilderness of Paran, to Kadesh; and broughtback word unto them, and unto all the congregation,and shewed them the fruit of the land.

Num 13:27 And they told him, and said, We came unto the landwhither thou sentest us, and surely it flows with milkand honey; and this is the fruit of it.

Num 13:28 Nevertheless the people be strong that dwell in theland, and the cities are walled, and very great: andmoreover we saw the children of Anak there (i.e.,the giants).

Num 13:29 The Amalekites dwell in the land of the south: andthe Hittites, and the Jebusites, and the Amorites,dwell in the mountains: and the Canaanites dwell bythe sea, and by the coast of Jordan.

Num 13:30 And Caleb stilled the people before Moses, and said,Let us go up at once, and possess it; for we are wellable to overcome it.

Num 13:31 But the men who went up with him said, We be notable to go up against the people; for they arestronger than we.

Num 13:32 And they brought up an evil report of the landwhich they had searched unto the children of Israel,saying, The land, through which we have gone tosearch it, is a land that eats up the inhabitantsthereof; and all the people that we saw in it are menof a great stature.

Num 13:33 And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak,which come of the giants: and we were in our ownsight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight.

Num 14:1 And all the congregation lifted up their voice, andcried; and the people wept that night.

Num 14:2 And all the children of Israel murmured againstMoses and against Aaron: and the wholecongregation said unto them, Would God that wehad died in the land of Egypt! or would God wehad died in this wilderness!


Num 14:3 And wherefore hath the Lord brought us unto thisland, to fall by the sword, that our wives and ourchildren should be a prey? were it not better for us toreturn into Egypt?

Num 14:4 And they said one to another, Let us make acaptain, and let us return into Egypt.

Stop here; that’s enough for the moment.

The children of Israel...

1. want to return to Egypt;2. they’re refusing to believe God’s promises;3. they’re refusing to avail themselves of his grace.

And their failure here is inexcusable.

1. They had witnessed with their own eyes the miracles God had wrought in their behalf when hedelivered them from Egypt and Pharaoh’s army;

2. they had witnessed the parting of the Red Sea;3 they had witnessed the miracle of his provision - the manna he had sent from heaven - the water he

had brought from out of the rock;4. they had seen with their own eyes his glory and majesty at Mount Sinai;5. they had given their word that they would whole-heartedly believe and obey him; and, finally,6. they had heard with their own ears God’s pledge to cast his mantle of loving protection over them -

that he himself would fight for them.

Let’s pick up our story at verse 11...

Num 14:11 And the Lord said unto Moses, How long will thispeople provoke me? and how long will it be ere theybelieve me, for all the signs which I have shewedamong them?

Continue now with verse 22...

Num. 14:22 Because all those men who have seen my glory, andmy miracles (compare to Hebrews 6:4-5), which Idid in Egypt and in the wilderness, and haveprovoked me now these ten times, and have nothearkened to my voice;

Num. 14:23 Surely they shall not see the land which I sware untotheir fathers, neither shall any of them that provokedme see it...

God then ordered Israel back from her staging area at Kadesh Barnea - and instructed Moses to tell Israel thathe would not permit that generation to take possession of the Land - the land flowing with milk and honeythat he’d prepared for them. Their children would take it, but they would wander in the wilderness until theyall died.

Now look closely at what follows - verses 39 and 40...

Num. 14:39 And Moses told these sayings unto all the childrenof Israel: and the people mourned greatly.


Num. 14:40 And they rose up early in the morning, and got themup into the top of the mountain (which looked intothe Promised Land), saying, Lo, we be here, and willgo up unto the place which the Lord hath promised:for we have sinned.

Do you see the point? Israel repented. The whole nation mourned; they all acknowledged that they hadsinned. But God refused to honor their repentance. And when they sought to cross over into Canaan, theywere driven back - and utterly defeated.

That’s the story that underlies Hebrews 6:1-6. That’s the tragic event that informs it.

Don’t think that God will always honor your repentance; that’s a dangerous misconception. However, iffinally, after repeated warnings, he refuses any longer to "renew it," loss of salvation is not what's entailed.How do I know? Because God didn’t abandon Israel after her rebellion at Kadesh Barnea - after she wasdenied possession of the Promised Land - after she was ordered back into the Wilderness. Look closely!Though God didn’t honor Israel’s repentance - or put in the words of Hebrews 6:6 - though God refused to“renew them again to repentance” - he didn’t withdraw his presence. The Tabernacle was not pulled down.Neither was the Ark of the Testimony destroyed. Nor was the priesthood annulled. Nor did the Cloud fail toguard Israel during the day or the Pillar of Fire cease to shield Israel during the night. God’s presence wasnever revoked.

It’s not that God will abandon you...1. if you refuse to grow up;2. if you refuse to press on to maturity;3. if you refuse to believe his promises and act on them.4. if year after year you excuse your sins - whatever they might be.

It’s that there may come a time...1. when he will refuse any longer to honor your repentance;2. when he will not permit you to cross over into the Promised Land;3. when he will say, “No! I won’t let you enjoy my victory; I won’t abandon you, but I won’t let you

take possession of my riches - I won't let you enjoy my rest.”

And that’s exactly what sometimes happens to carnal (1 Cor. 3:1) Christians - Christians...1. who have enjoyed God’s enlightenment,2. who have tasted the heavenly gift of salvation,3. who have been indwelt by the Holy Spirit,4. who have tasted the good word of God and the powers of the age to come...

but who have not pressed on to maturity, who, instead, year after year, have excused their failures and havestubbornly refused to act on his promises and walk out his truths.

There may come a day when their cry of repentance won’t be honored; it’s not that they’ll be abandoned; it’sthat God won’t permit them to achieve victory. He won’t let them cross over into his promised rest. They’llbe kept by God himself in the Wilderness - and that’s where they’ll stay until they die.

Hebrews 4:1 makes essentially the same point.

Heb. 4:1 Let us therefore fear, lest, a promise being left us ofentering into his rest (achieving victory), any of youshould seem to come short of it.


Note carefully that the author of Hebrews is speaking to believers. He says,

“Let us fear...”

That means you and me! And the word that’s translated “fear” is the Greek word “phobeo.” We deriveour English word “phobia” from it. It means to be “seized with alarm.” Quite frankly, it means to be“terrified.”

Hebrews 4:1 warns us not to come short of God’s “rest” - and Chapter 3, verses 8-19, make clear themeaning of the word “rest;” and that’s what’s at issue in Hebrews 6:1-6 - it’s the Promised Land of victoryand maturity. God is exhorting us to cross over into that Promised Land - and what’s more, he’s saying thatwe should fear coming short of that victory. The very thought should terrify us.

1. Is there a secret sin in your life? Conquer it!2. Is your marriage less than what it should be? Change it!3. Are you putting your career ahead of God? Square away your priorities!4. Are you a loner? Stop blaming others! Join a home fellowship! Get involved in a ministry! Go to

a Bible study! Reach out!

The word “fear” is used again and again in the Book of Hebrews. And, once again, I’m warning you not toplay down its meaning. Don’t soften it to mean “respect” or “reverence;” because in this context that’s notwhat it means. It means “terror” and “alarm.”

Turn back with me to Hebrews 6:3-6...

Heb. 6:3 And this will we do (meaning go on to maturity), ifGod permit.

Heb. 6:4 For it is impossible for those who were onceenlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift,and were made partakers of the Holy Spirit,

Heb. 6:5 And have tasted the good word of God, and thepowers of the age to come,

Heb. 6:6 If they shall fall away, to renew them again untorepentance...

Verse 4 - 6 tell us that it’s impossible for those1. who were once enlightened,2. who have tasted of the heavenly gift3. who were partakers of the Holy Spirit,4. who have tasted the good word of God and powers of the age to come

if they should fall away to renew them again unto repentance.

Why? Because God himself won’t permit it.

We need to understand clearly what repentance is meant to do. It’s not some pedantic ritual that’s meant toguarantee access back into the presence of God; nor is it some magic incantation that we chant to appeaseGod’s wrath. That’s not repentance! That’s not what it’s all about!

1. Repentance is meant to open the way to victory.2. Repentance is meant to give us a fresh start down the road to maturity.


But God now shuts the door on your repentance - because it has been so often abused - its purpose has beenso frequently perverted. He now turns you away from Kadesh Barnea - and orders you back into theWilderness. And when, from time to time, you attempt on your own to gain victory, you find that it can’t beachieved - whatever it might be - drinking, drugs, temper, pornography, depression, alcoholism - whatever.

Num. 14:45 And the Amalekites and the Canaanites who dwelton that hill, came down and smote them, and cutthem to pieces...

You can’t achieve victory on your own; it can only be attained in the power of the Holy Spirit; therefore seekthe Lord while he can be found - turn to him before it’s too late - don’t waste any more time; don’t presumeon his patience any longer. Don’t linger any more in a state of unbelief. Don’t wait until God refuses anylonger to respect your repentance (the meaning of Hebrews 6:6) - when he turns a deaf ear to your weeping -and there's no changing his mind.

Deut. 1:44 And the Amorites, which dwelt in that mountain,came out against you, and chased you, as bees do,and destroyed you in Seir, even unto Hormah.

Deut. 1:45 And ye returned and wept before the Lord; but theLord would not hearken to your voice, nor give earunto you.

Don't wait unitl you find to your horror that there’s no new beginning! There’s no fresh infusion of grace!There’s just an aimless wandering - lost somewhere between the abject slavery of Egypt and the promisedpeace, rest, and victory of Canaan.

But I will end this lesson on a note of hopefulness - just at the author of Hebrews does. Let’s readHebrews�6:9...

Heb. 6:9 But, beloved, we are persuaded better things of you,and things that accompany salvation, though we thusspeak.

I am persuaded that none of you has been turned back into the “Wilderness.” I can’t be sure of that, ofcourse; but that’s my confidence. And why am I confident? It’s because you’ve enrolled in the Agonia.It’s unlikely that you’d be enrolled if you’d been turned back from “Kadesh Barnea.” So, don’t despair - butdo sober up. Don’t let this lesson harden from a warning into judgment.

1. God’s grace is abundant. It’s lavish.2. His victories are final and complete.3. Step forward in faith. Don’t draw back.4. Confess whatever sins beset you - both to God and to fellow-believers;5. get them into the light where they can be dealt with;6. grab hold of your brothers and sisters and make your life a part of theirs - and theirs a part of yours;7. strengthen your feeble knees and steady your quaking hands - take a firm grip - and start trusting

God.8. It is he who will win the victory for you. Follow him into battle.


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Day #2

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Day #7

FORGIVENESS©

CHAPTER 3FORGIVENESS • LESSON II


WEEK OF_____________________


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Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your Spouse

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's



Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpousePositive

Responses

OverturesAttempted

PostiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

Your's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your Spouse

Your's

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TotalPositives

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SEVERAL PRINCIPLES:

Forgiveness, the whole process, from beginning to end, amounts to shepherding one another. Let’s work ourway through the relevant passages of scripture. First, let’s examine Matthew 5:23-24.

Matt. 5:23 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and thererememberest that thy brother hath ought againstthee;

Matt. 5:24 Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way;first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come andoffer thy gift.

The meaning here is simple and straightforward: our worship isn’t judged acceptable if we’ve offended someone and haven’t made a strenuous effort to resolve the offense. And it’s a specific offense that’s in questionhere - a specific offense we’ve committed against a friend, a colleague, wife, children, etc. Please rememberthis point. It’s absolutely vital to the whole process of forgiveness. More about it later. This, then, is ourfirst principle regarding forgiveness:

1. Forgiveness always involves a specific sin, not sin nature or sins in general.

Notice that personal confrontation is required. No one can act in our behalf. Furthermore, what’s clearlyimplied is a face-to-face encounter. Letter writing, except under the most extraordinary of circumstances,should never be employed. It depersonalizes the confrontation and tends to make the offense loom largerthan warranted. Even a telephone call, though certainly preferable to letter writing, should be avoided.

No doubt the “gift” mentioned in verse 23 is the Trespass Offering1 - one of five specific sacrifices whichcomprised the act of worship in the Old Testament Mosaic order. Two of the five offerings dealt specificallywith sin: one was the Sin Offering - which focused on the supplicant’s sin nature; the other was the Trespass

FOOTNOTES1 The Trespass Offering is one of five primary offerings delineated in Leviticus; but it’s the only one which requires the

supplicant to first seek out the person his sin has injured and provide restitution. Furthermore, the offering is unacceptableuntil restitution has been made.

If a soul sin, and commit a trespass against the Lord, and lie unto his neighbor in that which was delivered him to keep, or infellowship, or in a thing taken away by violence, or hath deceived his neighbor;

Or have found that which was lost, and lieth concerning it, and sweareth falsely; in any of all these that a man doeth, sinningtherein:

Then it shall be, because he hath sinned, and is guilty, that he shall restore that which he took violently away, or the thingwhich he hath deceitfully gotten, or that which was delivered him to keep, or the lost thing which he found,

Or all that about which he hath sworn falsely; he shall even restore it in the principal, and shall add the fifth part morethereto, and give it unto him to whom it appertaineth, in the day of his trespass offering.

And (then and only then - author’s emphasis) he shall bring his trespass offering unto the Lord, a ram without blemish out ofthe flock, with thy estimation, for a trespass offering, unto the priest:

And the priest shall make an atonement for him before the Lord: and it shall be forgiven him for any thing of all that he hathdone in trespassing therein.

Leviticus 6:2-7

Footnote continued on next page

FORGIVENESS • LESSON II


Offering - which focused not on the supplicant’s sin nature, but, instead, on the specific sins he committed.However, the Trespass Offering, to be effective, always entailed restitution. The supplicant was required torestore what his sin had stolen - and to tender an additional 1/5 of its value.

1. Perhaps money is in question - and the sin was theft; restitution, then, consists of restoring themoney - and adding one fifth more to its value. And, remember, the Trespass Offering is defectiveuntil the restitution has been transacted.

2. Perhaps the sin is slander; restitution, then consists of restoring the slandered individual’sreputation. Reputation, of course, unlike money, is an intangible asset; nevertheless, its value isreal - and the principle remains the same.

Personal confrontation makes the offense existentially real; and restitution serves to prove the authenticity ofthe supplicant’s repentance.

Here, then, are two more principles, #2 and #3, that are of the utmost importance in processing forgiveness:


2. Personal confrontation is always required.

3. Restitution serves to prove the authenticity of the supplicant’s repentance - thereby perfecting theTrespass Offering.

Remember, our sin nature was dealt with once and for all on the Cross of Calvary. And it never needs to bedealt with again. That’s the Sin Offering. But specific sins must be dealt with one by one - every time anoffense is committed. That’s the Trespass Offering. And personal confrontation and adequate restitutionfinalize the Trespass Offering and certify its authenticity.

Now, let’s turn to Luke 17:3. In Matthew 5:23 and 24, you are the offending party. But here in Luke 17:3,you are the offended party.

Luke 17:3 Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him;and if he repents, forgive him.

Note carefully here that only after restitution has been made is the supplicant permitted to “bring his trespass offering untothe Lord” - which clearly both describes and explains Matthew 5:23 and 24.

It’s also important to note that Leviticus describes two distinct kinds of “sins” that the trespass offering is meant to expiate:the first is described in Leviticus 5:14-19 - and pertains to sins committed “in the holy things of the Lord;” the second isdescribed in the passage of scripture quoted above, Leviticus 6:2-7 - and it pertains to sins committed against fellowIsraelites. For sins committed “in the holy things of the Lord,” the trespass offering is only effective if the sin was done“through ignorance” (Leviticus 5:15); i.e., only if it’s not a “high-handed” sin - a sin of outright rebellion. In addition, therequired restitution occurs alongside the offering - simultaneously - as it’s being put on the altar, not before it’s put on thealtar. Clearly, then, Matthew 5:23 and 24 must pertain to a sin committed not directly against God (though, of course, all sinis ultimately “against God” - a point that Leviticus 6:2 itself underscores with the phrase “against the Lord” and which Psalm51:4 points out as well), but against a fellow Israelite, i.e., my neighbor - a fellow human being. Why? Because thesupplicant in Matthew 5:23 and 24 is sent away from the altar to “perfect his offering;” he’s not allowed to “perfect it” at thealtar.

Notice also that sins committed against fellow Israelites, in contrast to sins committed “in the holy things of the Lord,” neednot be done “through ignorance” in order for the “trespass offering” to be effective. Each of the sins mentioned in Leviticus6:2-5 is obviously flagrant; furthermore, the phrase “through ignorance” is omitted altogether.

Continued from previous page


Matthew 5:23-24 does not apply if you’re the offended party; however, Luke 17:3 does apply. But what’sfascinating here is that both passages encourage you to assume the initiative. It doesn’t matter whetheryou’re the offended party or the offending party - in either case, you’re urged to take the first step. This is anall important fourth insight we want to add to our list of summary principles.




4. Whether you are the offending party or the offended party, you are given the opportunity to actfirst. You’re never left in a state of contingency. The first move is always yours to take.

Notice carefully that the offense is personal in nature. It’s not an offense committed against some one else.You yourself are the victim. You’re never permitted to act in some one else’s behalf. You cannot relievehim of the burden of processing forgiveness for himself. Inevitably, it will stunt his maturity - and preventhim from achieving personal reconciliation. So, we add a fifth principle to our list.




4. Whether you are the offending party or the offended party, you are given the opportunity to actfirst. You’re never left in a state of contingency. The first move is always yours to take.

5. Do not “pick up” some one else’s offense. You’re only allowed to process offenses committedagainst you personally.

If your brother sins, the passage reads, rebuke him. What, though, is the definition of “rebuke”? Clearly, itdoesn’t countenance railing. That’s because we’re forbidden to harbor a vindictive attitude. And “railing” isvindictive. It’s an act of vengeance. We’ve already stressed in Lesson 1 that vengeance belongs to God. Itdoesn’t belong to you.

Rom. 12:19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rathergive place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance ismine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

Heb. 10:30 For we know him that hath said, Vengeancebelongeth unto me, I will recompense, saith theLord. And again, The Lord shall judge his people.

Your rebuke is meant to be redemptive, not vindictive. You should not be attempting to “get even.” That’sthe sixth principle I want to add to our list.





4. Whether you’re the offending party or the offended party, you’re given the opportunity to act first.You are never left in a state of contingency. The first move is always yours to take.

5. Don’t pick up some one else’s offense. You are only allowed to process offenses committedagainst you personally.

6. The rebuke brought by an offended party to an offending party must always be redemptive innature. All thought of vengeance must be surrendered - yielded - to God. You’re seeking torestore him to fellowship - both God’s and yours.

The word “rebuke” translates a Greek word meaning to “prove” or “show” or “convince.” It doesn’t mean“to rail.” It is not an act of vengeance. It’s not meant to be an opportunity for you to vent your anger.Ironically, you’re being asked by God to shepherd the very person who’s offended you - to cause him toacknowledge his sin - not for the sake of getting even with him or humiliating him - but for the purpose ofshepherding him back to God. We’re all called by God to shepherd those who have offended us. What wehave here is simply a restatement of Ezekiel’s warning:

Ezek. 3:18 When I say unto the wicked, Thou shalt surely die;and thou givest him not warning, nor speakest towarn the wicked from his wicked way, to save hislife; the same wicked man shall die in his iniquity;but his blood will I require at thine hand.

Ezek. 3:19 Yet if thou warn the wicked, and he turn not fromhis wickedness, nor from his wicked way, he shalldie in his iniquity; but thou hast delivered thy soul.

We have now our seventh principle:







7. You are called upon to shepherd the person who has offended you. You are not to simply walkaway from your brother’s sin - because in so doing you leave him in a state of sin - and unless youact redemptively, his "blood" is laid upon you.


Return now with me to Luke 17:3

Luke 17:3 Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him;and if he repents, forgive him.

If he repents, you’re to forgive him. What’s he repenting of? Once again, it’s a specific sin. He’s not beingasked here to change his whole personality. Only that he repent for a specific sin! You’re never permittedto “go cosmic.”

The principle here bears repeating: forgiveness is predicated upon rectifying a specific sin. But unlessyou’re very careful - unless you very consciously guard your heart, you’ll be tempted to “go cosmic.” It’s atragic mistake that occurs again and again. It especially occurs between husbands and wives. And it’sresponsible for more unhappy marriages than perhaps any other single factor.

1. A husband doesn’t remember his wife’s birthday or anniversary - and instead of focusing upon thatone issue, the wife goes cosmic: “You don’t love me. I’m worthless to you.”

2. A wife fails to pay a bill on time - and her husband goes cosmic: “You’re dumb. You can’t betrusted to do anything right.”

Within the Body of Christ, we’re never permitted to go cosmic with one another. We’re always to stayfocused upon the one specific sin that’s given rise to the offense. The whole personality of the offendingparty is never to be made the subject of a rebuke.

Turn with me back to Matthew 5:23 and 24.

Matt. 5:23 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and thererememberest that thy brother hath ought againstthee;

Matt. 5:24 Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way;first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come andoffer thy gift.

Now, let’s read the verse that immediately precedes verses 23 and 24 and sets the context in which both areimbedded:

Matt. 5:22 But I say to you that everyone who is angry with hisbrother shall be guilty before the court; and whoevershall say to his brother, ‘Raca,’ shall be guilty beforethe supreme court; and whoever shall say, ‘Youfool,’ shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell.

What has so upset Jesus here in verse 22? Look closely. It’s an attitude of contempt - you’ve given up onsomeone; you’re heaping contempt upon him. “You’re just an idiot - a moron” - which is what the Greekword for “fool” translates. “Moron” or “fool” is a word that’s used against persons we’ve given up on.The person’s basic worth has been called into question. It has been demeaned. And that always provokesGod’s anger. Why? Because it’s a prelude to murder; it’s the first step toward rationalizing murder. Ifsome one’s basic worth has been called into question, the act of murder is stripped of its horror; it’s nolonger morally repugnant. Let’s read verse 21:

Matt. 5:21 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time,Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall bein danger of the judgment...


Do you see that what’s at issue here is the sin of murder - and the attitude that gives rise to it, contempt?

What Jesus says here is very frightening, “You’ve committed a sin worthy of hell.” It’s not that you’ll go tohell for having said it or having harbored the thought of saying it. But it’s a very reprehensible attitude - andGod hates it. I say it again, “God hates it.”

Have you ever become so tired of some one’s constant failure that you’ve given up on him? Even someonewho’s a fellow Christian? That must never, never occur. And we’ve all been guilty of it.

“You’re just a moron. I can’t trust you anymore. You’re just too dumb.”

1. It’s not that your wife hasn’t done the dishes, or2. that your husband has failed to pay a bill, or3. your best friend was late for an appointment, or4. your son didn’t study for his final exam...

...you’ve gone beyond a specific sin - to the point now that his basic worth is being called into question;“You’re a fool.” It’s an attitude that puts you in danger of being severely punished by God. You’re tossingonto the rubbish heap a person God sent His Son to die for - whether saved or unsaved. And if saved, you’recalling into question the value of Christ’s atonement - the value of the Sin Offering. You’re not permitted toquestion the efficacy of the Sin Offering. You can only call into question the efficacy of the TrespassOffering - which touches upon specific sins. Has restitution been made? If not, the Trespass Offering isdefective and unacceptable. But the Sin Offering - touching upon the issue of a person’s basic worth beforeGod - that can never be called into question. Are you daring to call into question the worth of Christ’satonement? If so, you’re courting God’s anger - and you’re in danger of being severely punished.

1. How dare you call your wife a “fool” because she didn’t do the dishes or failed to pay a bill. Dealwith her specific offense - and do it redemptively, not vindictively. Or else you’re in danger ofbeing severely punished.

2. How dare you call your husband a “fool” because he didn’t remember your anniversary or failed totake out the garbage. Deal with his specific offense - and do it redemptively, not vindictively. Orelse you’re in danger of being severely punished.

3. How dare you call your child a “fool” because he didn’t finish his studies or brought home badgrades. Deal with the specific offense - and do it redemptively, not vindictively. Or else you’re indanger of being severely punished.

4. How dare you call your employee a “fool” because he didn’t finish the task you assigned him.Deal with his specific offense - and do it redemptively, not vindictively. Or else you’re in dangerof being severely punished.

Turn with me back to Luke 17:4

Luke 17:4 And if he sins against you seven times a day, andreturns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ forgivehim.

Notice carefully the point that’s being made here. Forgiveness is always based upon repentance for aspecific sin. You’re never to give up on the person who’s sinning against you. If he repents, you’re toforgive him. If you “go cosmic,” and give up on him, labeling him a “fool,” then you’re in danger ofcourting God’s anger. Even if he sins against you seven times in a single day, you’re to forgive him. You’renot to “go cosmic.”

“Don’t give up. Don’t write him off. If he repents, forgive him.”


Does that thought stagger you? Well, it did the apostles. Look at their response in verse 5:

Luke 17:5 And the apostles said to the Lord, “Increase ourfaith!”

But now turn with me to Matthew 18:21 and 22 - and see just how important this whole principle is to Jesus -because here Jesus underscores the importance of this principle by employing a hyperbole - an exaggerationmeant for effect:

Matt. 18:21 Then Peter came and said to Him, Lord, how oftenshall my brother sin against me and I forgive him?Up to seven times?”

Matt. 18:22 Jesus said to him, I do not say to you, up to seventimes, but up to seventy times seven.

Four hundred and ninety times in a single day. Not just seven times in a single day, but four hundred andninety times in a single day. Clearly, that’s hyperbolic. It’s a figure of speech - a point that’s exaggerated tounderscore the significance of an important truth. God is saying, “Don’t you ever dare write anyone off. Ialone am the judge. Don’t you dare presume to judge anyone yourself.”

So we add an eighth principle








8. Always stay focused upon the specific sin that’s given rise to the offense. Never condemn or writeoff anyone. Never make some one’s personality the subject of your rebuke. And if repentance issecured for that one offense, your forgiveness is required. You can no longer remain alienatedfrom that person.

Let me point out just how subtle “writing someone off” can be. It’s not simply a matter of calling someone“a fool;” it can be merely a matter of “niching someone.” Do you know what I mean by that? It meansthat you’re not providing for the possibility of change on the part of someone who habitually sins againstyou. You’re giving up. You’re beginning to harbor the thought - however inadvertently - that he will neverchange.


But the glory of the Christian life is the possibility of genuine change. You’ve heard the phrase,“familiarity breeds contempt.” It means that you know someone so well - especially his weaknesses - andhave seen that person manifest the same weaknesses so often that you’ve given up on the possibility thathe’ll ever change. “There’s ‘ol so and so. He’s such a bully; so insensitive. He’ll always be that way.”

You know the story. God hates it. Yet, we do that with one another constantly - and it breeds terriblediscouragement - and causes people to leave a church family.

And how do we change? Let’s continue with our example of a bully. A person becomes a bully oneunconfronted offense at a time; and he’s freed from being a bully one confronted offense at a time. If someone bullies you, you’re obligated to confront him concerning his sin - without writing him off - one offenseat a time - never calling his basic worth into question. And so it is with each of us. Loving, redemptive,personal confrontation is the key to change.

It’s easy to “go cosmic.” But it’s a sin to do so. And we’ll never develop a loving, redemptive church life ifwe do. We must expect change; hope for change; pray for change; and when we notice it, we’re obligated torespond encouragingly to it. “My goodness, how you’ve changed. You’re doing so wonderfully. I can’ttell you how much I appreciate it! It means a lot to me!”

So, let’s add a ninth principle:









9. Biblical forgiveness always allows for the possibility of authentic change, but never all at once.It’s done one confronted offense at a time. It is patient and longsuffering. And when the changeoccurs, take note of it - and compliment it.


Now, let’s switch to Matthew 18:15-20

Matt. 18:15 And if your brother sins, go and reprove him inprivate; if he listens to you, you have won yourbrother.

Matt. 18:16 But if he does not listen to you, take one or two morewith you, so that by the mouth of two or threewitnesses every fact may be confirmed.

Matt. 18:17 And if he refuses to listen to them, tell it to thechurch; and if he refuses to listen even to the church,let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax-gatherer.

Matt. 18:18 Truly I say to you, whatever you shall bind on earthshall be bound in heaven; and whatever you loose onearth shall be loosed in heaven.

Matt. 18:19 Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earthabout anything that they may ask, it shall be done forthem by My Father who is in heaven.

Matt. 18:20 For where two or three have gathered together in Myname, there I am in their midst.”

Verse 15 corresponds almost exactly to Luke 17:3. It outlines the same method that Luke 17:3 so clearlydelineates.

1. It’s always a specific sin that’s at issue, never some one’s entire personality.2. Confront the person who’s offended you.3. Rebuke him. Here, the word “reprove” is used; but the meaning is the same - redemptive, non-

vindictive correction.4. If he repents, restore him to your fellowship - or as verse 15 puts it: “you have won your brother” -

i.e., you’ve restored fellowship with him.

The method is precisely the same. However, Matthew 18:15 makes explicit a couple of principles that Luke17:3 leaves implicit.

1. The “rebuke” is to be private: it’s not to involve others. You’re to keep the whole matter asconfidential as possible. The offense is not to be shared with any one else. This can prove verydisconcerting for some Christians. But the form of the Greek verb is very clear and decisive: it’s inthe present tense, active voice, and its mood is imperative. In short, what we have here is acommand. Just do it. It doesn’t matter that you’re timid; it doesn’t matter that you’re fearful.Crank up your faith - and just do it.

I would, however, provide for some small measure of relief. If real danger is threatened - violenceor abuse - I would allow a genuinely neutral third party to accompany you and stand in clear sight,but off at a distance. If it’s between a man and a woman - especially a married woman or amarried man, propriety should be observed: no woman should be expected to confront or to beconfronted by another man alone. Nevertheless, the principle of privacy should be maintained tothe fullest extent possible - and the person accompanying the offended party should not interfere inthe least - as long, of course, as no danger is threatened.

2. Next, if you’re the offending party, you must listen. The word “listen” here means to“assimilate,” or “be attentive.” It means “to consider carefully and thoughtfully.” You mustmake every effort to hear the person through - without reacting defensively. Moreover, you arenot permitted to “turn the tables” - and bring up sins the offended party may have committedagainst you.


So, we can add three more principles to our list, numbers ten through twelve.










10. If you are the person being rebuked, you must listen attentively and patiently. Hear the offendedparty through thoroughly. Do not raise up offenses and sins he may have committed against you.

11. The principle of privacy must be honored to the fullest extent possible - however,

12. If there's a threat of danger or if you are a man who has been offended by a woman or a womanwho has been offended by a man, allow for a third party to be present - off to one side. Do notallow for the appearance of evil.

I want you to notice carefully that the term used here in Matthew 18:15 and 16 is “listen.” In Luke 17:3,however, a different word is used: “repent.” And this difference is very important. Luke 17:3 assumes thatthere’s no question regarding the authenticity of the sin. It’s a genuine sin that’s in question. So the issue is“repentance.” The Greek word that’s used is “metanoeo” - and its meaning is crystal clear - “repentance” -“a change of heart."

But in Matthew 18:15 and 16 the possibility is left open that no actual sin has been committed; perhapsthere’s only been a misunderstanding. Perhaps, it’s not so much an offense as it is wounded pride or envy.So here the word “akouo” is used, not “metanoeo.” Certainly, in the mind of the offended party there’s thesense or the feeling that a sin has been committed; so that’s why it’s phrased initially: “if your brothersins...” But the fact that “akouo” is used rather that “metanoeo” indicates that its authenticity is left open todoubt - and will be resolved after the offending party has patiently and thoroughly “listened” to the offendedparty’s rebuke - without becoming defensive - and without becoming angry - and then responds to it.


Now I want you to notice carefully that there’s no necessary implication that the private rebuke mentioned inverse 15 is a single event. It may be a process - involving several meetings.

Notice now verse 16.

Matt. 18:16 But if he does not listen to you, take one or two morewith you, so that by the mouth of two or threewitnesses every fact may be confirmed.

Here the distinction between "akouo" and "metaneo" is decisive. The issue is “listening,” not “repenting.”If he doesn’t give you a fair and patient hearing - a redemptive hearing - then a second step is be taken. - witnesses are called.

The question arises: what is it that the witnesses are attesting to? It’s possible that several persons observedthe offense - and can testify to its authenticity on that basis - that, specifically, it’s not a matter of envy orwounded pride nor is it a simple disagreement, but, instead, it is indeed a genuine offense. But it’s alsopossible that no one else observed the offense. In that case, we’re apparently faced with a conundrum -because Old Testament Law is quite specific: no accusation can be brought to judgment except on the basisof at least two witnesses. If the sin was committed in the absence of at least two witnesses, the sin cannot bebrought to judgment - and the accusation cannot stand.

Deut. 19:15 A single witness shall not rise up against a man onaccount of any iniquity or any sin which he hascommitted; on the evidence of two or threewitnesses a matter shall be confirmed.

Therefore, in the case of a sin committed without third-party witnesses, the witnesses brought to the secondstage, outlined in verse 16, can only testify to one issue: that the person being rebuked is providing a fairhearing. That’s the only issue the witnesses can pass judgment on. The witnesses are not to testify againstthe accused’s general character; for example, “Well, it’s certainly sounds like something he would do.”That’s not an option - either for the person who’s been offended or for the witnesses he’s brought.

Note too that the principle of privacy is still being honored at this stage. The circle has been increased onlyslightly.

We're now ready to add two more principles, #13 and #14.:











10. If you are the person being rebuked, you must listen attentively and patiently. Hear the offendedparty through thoroughly. Do not raise up offenses and sins he may have committed against you.

11. The principle of privacy must be honored to the fullest extent possible - however,

12. If you are a man who has been offended by a woman or a woman who has been offended by a man,allow for a third party to be present - off to one side. Do not allow for the appearance of evil.

13. If you are the offended party, be prepared to carry your rebuke into a series of meetings. Don’tnecessarily restrict it to a single meeting.

14. If the offending party won't "listen" to your rebuke - won't give you a fair hearing - the offendedparty must take a second step - call for witnesses. If the offense was public, then the witnesses cantestify to its authenticity on the basis of their first hand knowledge; if, however, the offense wasprivate, then all that the witnesses can testify to is whether or not the offended party is being givena fair hearing on the part of the offending party. At this stage the offense is still a matter ofprivacy.

If the matter is still not resolved, a third step is taken: the judgment of the church is brought to bear. Privacyis abandoned - and the congregation - or church leadership acting in behalf of the whole congregation - ismade privy to the offense and asked to pass judgment on it. The church renders its decision - and the partiesare to act accordingly. The decision of the church is final. That’s the meaning of verse 18.

Matt. 18:18 Truly I say to you, whatever you shall bind on earthshall be bound in heaven; and whatever you loose onearth shall be loosed in heaven.

It’s a repeat of Matthew 16:18-19 - only expanded beyond Peter to include the whole church, the entirecommunity of the redeemed.

Matt. 16:18 And I also say to you that you are Peter, and uponthis rock I will build My church; and the gates ofHades shall not overpower it.

Matt. 16:19 I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven;and whatever you shall bind on earth shall be boundin heaven, and whatever you shall loose on earthshall be loosed in heaven.”

Forgiveness is meant to restore fellowship. That’s its whole purpose - to restore “koinonia.” But theoffending party here in verse 17 is refusing to listen to the church; so Jesus, in essence, simply says, “Let him


become what he himself has chosen to be - an outsider.” You can give up your attempt to restore him - toshepherd him - without incurring sin. You can rest from your efforts - and be assured that you are notthereby jeopardizing your relationship with God. You’ve done all that’s possible to repair the breach.

One final point needs to be very, very carefully noted. It’s absolutely vital: alienation is not to be toleratedwithin the church. There should never be “division” within the church family - either in terms of outrightbehavior or in terms of our thoughts and attitudes. We are called to be ambassadors of reconciliation(2�Corinthians 5:19-20). That’s what salvation has made us. It’s a scriptural imperative. But our lives mustcorrespond to that imperative. We must live out “reconciliation” each and every day - in our marriages, atour jobs, in the ministries God has assigned us, and, of course, within the church. If we fail, whatever we doin God’s behalf is “wood, hay, and stubble.” And we’ll be found wanting on the Day of Judgment(1�Corinthians�3:12-15). If you’ve been alienated1 by some one in the church, you must act quickly anddecisively to end that alienation. It’s not simply the responsibility of the person who has alienated you; it’syour responsibility as well. If you have alienated some one yourself, you must make certain that youralienation is based upon a specific offense - and, then, you must make every effort to end the alienation -extending your efforts through Matthew 18:20. The whole point of Matthew 18:15-20, if properlyunderstood, is that alienation between brothers and sisters in Christ is heinous and intolerable - and one wayor the other, it must be terminated.

HOMEWORK

1. Anyone of you who, on his own time, didn't read over tonight's lesson needs to read it overcarefully during this next week. This lesson must be read and thoroughly assimilated. It can't beskimmed. There must be plenty of time for reflection. You've given your word! Now, followthrough with it. Remember, it's not a matter of insufficient time; it's a matter of reordering yourpriorities.

2. There will be a test next week.

1 Obviously, not everyone in the church can be your close friend; hence, a state of alienation does not necessarily exist simplybecause you fail to provide intimate fellowship to some one who desires it; nor does it necessarily exist when some one youwish to become intimate with is unable to accommodate you. Alienation is a “state of war” - a “state of tension” - a state of“purposeful division.” It’s a “state of resentment.”

FOOTNOTES


STUDENT NOTES


Thursday

Friday

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Monday

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Day #1

Day #2

Day #3

Day #4

Day #5

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FORGIVENESS©

CHAPTER 4REVIEW AND TESTING

PRAYER JOURNAL

WEEK OF_____________________


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Totals

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your Spouse

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's



Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpousePositive

Responses

OverturesAttempted

PostiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

Your's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your Spouse

TotalPositives

TotalAttempted

Ratio

TotalYes or No


Day #7

Day #6

Day #5

Day #4

Day #3

Day #2

Day #1


Names of the Placaters Placater'sGrade

Spouse'sGrade

Agonia'sGrade

Placaters are usually cast in the role of “victim” - and, in a very real sense, that’s anaccurate depiction - because they’re so easily “pushed around” and “controlled.” They“walk on egg shells” to preserve the peace. They won’t confront! But the peace theypurchase produces a profound bitterness - and dooms any possibility of intimacy.What we want to do is help the placaters - usually the wife, but sometimes the husband- to start holding their ground and “engaging” their spouses. And, toward that end,we’ll be periodically monitoring the progress they’re making in overcoming theirfears. There will be three grades that are assigned: (1) the placaters will givethemselves a grade; (2) their respective spouses will give them a grade; and, finally,the Agonia, as a whole, will grade their progress. The grades will be letter grades: A,B, C, D, and F. This will be a group effort. Let’s work hard at it!

A spouse who bullies and intimidates - usually the husband, but sometimes the wife- won’t be backed off until his spouse starts to hold her ground and face off with him.When that begins, the whole weight of the Agonia can swing in behind her and providesupport. But she is the key. She must begin standing her ground. Until that happens,the Agonia is paralyzed - and its resources can’t be brought to bear. We aren’t gradingthe progress he’s making - because he’s not the key here. She is. He’ll begin to changewhen she starts to “engage.”

THE PERIODIC PLACATERS REPORT

Take some time this evening to monitor the progress the placaters are making in overcoming their fear of"facing off" with their respective spouses. Go back to the last time they were scored - and compare thatscore with the score for this evening.


Following the quiz this evening, review the answers to the questions posed this evening. It's very importantto study the answers carefully and thoughtfully.

Please close your manuals.

QUESTIONS

1. What happens when you only manage to suppress your wrath?

Answer:It goes underground; it disguises itself. And, furthermore, it continues to fester - producing evermore bitterness.

2. Give me some examples of disguised wrath - from your own personal experience.

Answer:The following are merely examples I'm providing: (1) being habitually late; (2) irritating yourspouse with certain habits you know he/she dislikes; (3) forgetting your anniversary; (4) workinglate; etc. (It’s important to judge yourself, not to judge your spouse in terms of this kind ofbehavior.) List your own examples - drawn from your own personal experience.

3. Turn with me to Hebrews 12:14 - 15.

Hebrews 12:14 Follow peace with all men, and holiness, withoutwhich no man shall see the Lord:

Hebrews 12:15 Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace ofGod; lest any root of bitterness springing up troubleyou, and thereby many be defiled...

What does it mean to be defiled?

Answer:The word "defile" conveys the sense of rendering "useless." A defiled person is useless to God -and, by implication, he's useless to others as well. It conveys the sense of being "unclean." In theOld Testament, a priest who was defiled was considered "ceremonially unclean" - and was notpermitted to minister in the Temple services. Bitterness defiles - and it renders anyone it taintsunfit for God's use. Note carefully here the truth that verse 15 is underscoring. It's a truth that'seasily overlooked: specifically, your bitterness defiles others. Your bitterness will touch the lives

REVIEW AND TESTING


of those you love the most - those most dear to you - including your spouse, your children, yourfriends. A bitter person is a "carrier" - his bitterness is "catching" - and it ruins the lives of others.One of the most tragic experiences any father or mother can undergo is to witness the bitterness heor she has harbored over the years pass on to his or her children - and to watch that bitternessslowly choke the life out of them.

4. Have you ever met a defiled person? If so, describe him/her?

5. Is feeling vindictive necessarily evil? Give a reason for your answer.

Answer:The fact that you feel vindictive is not a sin. It becomes a sin only if you dwell on it or act on it.“Resist the devil - and he will flee from you” - meaning even the “feeling,” if not acted upon ordwelt on, will eventually pass.

James 4:7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil,and he will flee from you.

6. What does it mean to forgive?

Answer:It means to release.

7. Release from what?

Answer:First, from the penalty of sin; then, from alienation - implying restoration to fellowship.

8. Give me several verses which prove your point:

Wrath - Penalty:

2 Thess. 1:8 In flaming fire taking vengeance on them that knownot God, and that obey not the gospel of our LordJesus Christ:



John 5:24 Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears My word,and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, anddoes not come into judgment (unto wrath), but haspassed out of death into life.


Release from alienation - restoration to fellowship:


2 Cor. 5:18 Now all these things are from God, who reconciledus to Himself through Christ, and gave us theministry of reconciliation...

9. What’s the relationship between 1 John 1:9 and 1 John 2:1 - and why are the two not in conflict?


1 John 2:1 My little children, I am writing these things to youthat you may not sin. And if anyone sins, we have anAdvocate with the Father, Jesus Christ therighteous...

Answer:1 John 1:9 speaks to the issue of “fellowship-forgiveness” - and, as such, it’s conditional.1�John�2:1 speaks to the issue of “penalty-forgiveness” - and, as such, is unconditional. Wheneverwe sin, our advocate steps forward in our behalf - and intercedes for us with his own blood.There’s no need for us to call upon him to step forward: he steps forward on his own and pleadsour case. What prompts his ministry is simply our sin - that itself, nothing more.

10. If my salvation isn’t called in jeopardy, can I then afford to be complacent?

Answer:Some Christians might tend to take lightly the forfeiture of God’s fellowship; after all, oursalvation is guaranteed - meaning we don’t stand in jeopardy of being consigned to hell. However,alienation from God’s presence - loss of his fellowship - is very serious - and its consequencestragic. Anyone forfeiting his fellowship with God forfeits as well all hope of undergoingtransformation in this life. Because transformation is secured through the presence of God.

2 Cor. 3:18 But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass theglory of the Lord, are changed into the same imagefrom glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of theLord.

11. How does the twofold meaning of forgiveness apply to my relationship with fellow believers?

Answer:The twofold meaning of forgiveness not only applies to your own personal relationship with God,but, additionally, it applies to your relationship with fellow believers. In other words, God extendsforgiveness to me on both an unconditional and a conditional basis - with the first pertaining topenalty and the second pertaining to fellowship. And the same holds true between believers:believers extend forgiveness to each other on both an unconditional and a conditional basis - withthe first pertaining to penalty, my personal wrath, and the second pertaining to fellowship.


12. Give me two verses from the Gospels which make this point.

Answer:Mark 11:25 And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have

ought against any: that your Father also which is inheaven may forgive you your trespasses.

It’s unconditional. Forgive that person - meaning release him from your personal wrath. And notealso that it’s a transaction between you and God - not between you and the person who has sinnedagainst you - and against whom, as a result of that sin, you “have ought against.”

Now turn with me to Luke 17:3

Luke 17:3 Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespassagainst thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgivehim.

Here the forgiveness you extend to a brother who’s sinned against you is conditional, notunconditional. In Mark 11:25, forgiveness of a brother who’s sinned against you is unconditional;but in Luke 17:3, forgiveness of a brother who’s sinned against you is very much conditional; it’sconditioned upon his repentance.

13. Turn to Matthew 5:23 and 24.

Matthew 5:23 If therefore thou art offering thy gift at the altar, andthere rememberest that thy brother hath aughtagainst thee,

Matthew 5:24 leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way,first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come andoffer thy gift.

What specifically is the offering (gift) here?

Answer:It's the Trespass Offering.

14. How do you know it's the Trespass Offering?

Answer:The Trespass Offering is the only one of the five major Old Testament offerings which requires thesupplicant to first seek out the person his sin has injured and secure his forgiveness - tenderingrestitution if required. Furthermore, the offering is unacceptable until forgiveness has been secured- and in the meanwhile the supplicant is sent away from the altar. Matthew 5:23 and 24 describethis scenario perfectly.

15. What is restitution - and why is it important?

Answer:Restitution is an integral part of the Trespass Offering - and can't be separated from it. It restoreswhat the offending party's sin has stolen from the offended party - and adds 20% more. TheTrespass Offering cannot be perfected until restitution - should it be required - is tendered. Anduntil the Trespass Offering is perfected, the sin is not expiated.


16. Why is it that forgiveness always entails a single offense?

Answer:The Bible conceives of sin in a twofold sense: (1) it's a specific offense; and (2) it's imbedded inour human nature. The Trespass Offering expiates sin that pertains to specific offenses. And theexpiation occurs one sin at a time - a single offering for each single sin. The Sin Offering pertainsto the sin imbedded in our human nature. Christ was made our Sin Offering once for all at theCross of Calvary. There is no further need for the Sin Offering.

Heb. 9:12 ...nor yet through the blood of goats and calves, butthrough his own blood, entered in once for all intothe holy place, having obtained eternal redemption.

Heb. 10:10 By which will we have been sanctified through theoffering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all.

But as long as we commit sins - which is true for all of us - there yet remains the need for theTrespass Offering. And since the Trespass Offering, unlike the Sin Offering, pertains to specificsins and not "sin nature," the forgiveness it affords is one offense at a time.

17. What does restitution prove?

Answer:It serves to prove the authenticity of the supplicant's repentance - thereby perfecting the TrespassOffering.

18. Can you suggest other means we're often tempted to employ to prove the sincerity of someone'srepentance?

Answer:A word of knowledge; a prophetic word; the look on his face; his tone of voice; etc. None of thesesuffice, however. Restitution alone - wholly objective - serves to prove repentance.

19. Why is it wrong to pick up someone else's offense?

Answer:Because sin is personal. It's committed against specific individuals - and only the person againstwhom it's committed is a party to its expiation. A third person has no standing in its expiation. Hewill only cloud the issue - and make personal reconciliation next to impossible.

20. What role is an offended party called upon by Scripture to play in processing his offense?

Answer:He's called to play the role of shepherd - shepherding the person who offended him back to theLord. Whatever he does by way of confronting the offending party must be redemptive in nature.Otherwise, he falls into sin himself.

Ezek. 3:18 When I say unto the wicked, Thou shalt surely die;and thou givest him not warning, nor speakest towarn the wicked from his wicked way, to save hislife; the same wicked man shall die in his iniquity;but his blood will I require at thy hand.


Ezek. 3:19 Yet if thou warn the wicked, and he turn not fromhis wickedness, nor from his wicked way, he shalldie in his iniquity; but thou hast delivered thy soul.

21. Why is it wrong to "go cosmic"? Why is it sinful to call someone's entire personality intoquestion?

Answer:Because to do so calls into question the efficacy of the Sin Offering. In effect, we're turning ourback on Christ's ministry at the Cross. In addition, it expresses an attitude of contempt - and, assuch, it becomes the precursor of murder - if not in deed, in thought.

Matt. 5:21 Ye have heard that it was said to them of old time,Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall bein danger of the judgment:

Matt. 5:22 but I say unto you, that every one who is angry withhis brother shall be in danger of the judgment; andwhosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be indanger of the council; and whosoever shall say,Thou fool, shall be in danger of the hell of fire.

"Raca" and "fool" are both terms of contempt. And what Jesus is saying here is that "contempt" isthe precursor of murder. It establishes the psychological basis that makes murder emotionally andintellectually possible.

22. Is it ever permissible to ignore an offense that's been committed against you - to walk away from itwithout attempting to personally resolve it?

Answer:No. Because it leaves the person who offended you in a state of sin.

HOMEWORK

1. Please read the Chapter 4 - Processing Offenses - Review and Summary." Read it over verycarefully. You've got to know it "backwards and forwards" - "inside and out."

2. Don't forget to review the Chapter 3 - Review and Testing" - it includes the answers to thequestions posed this evening. It's very important that you study the answers carefully andthoughtfully.


STUDENT NOTES


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FORGIVENESS©

CHAPTER 5PROCESSING OFFENSES • REVIEW AND SUMMARY SHEET


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Your Spouse

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Responses

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PROCESSING OFFENSESREVIEW AND SUMMARY SHEET

Read over the graphic on the following page. Study it carefully. Then go on to examine the Summary Sheet.You must understand it thoroughly - and be prepared to abide by it very rigorously.


Point - Forgiveness #2 Exp.

An offense is committed - or perceived to have been committed. The offense - or perceived offense - must be a single transgression, not a pattern of behavior or a character trait. Furthermore, it must be strictly personal in nature. You cannot pick up some one else's offense.

Vengeance is given over to God. Vengeance belongs to God alone - and cannot be undertaken by men and women. All wrath is laid aside. The offended party works hard to cultivate a redemptive attitude.

The offended party confronts the offending party privately (Matthew 18:15): "tells him his fault" (Matthew 18:15) and "rebukes" him (Luke 17:3). The word "rebuke" conveys no sense of "railing." It means to "prove your case" - to prove that an offense has occured - and what exactly that offense has "stolen" from you. The rebuke must be carefully restricted to a single transgression; it cannot be extended to a character trait. Keep in mind that Matthew 18:15-20 is an elaboration of Luke 17:3 - and provides for contingencies not addressed in Luke.

If the offending party repents, forgiveness is extended - meaning that the offended party releases the offending party from alienation and restores him to fellowship.

If the offended party doubts the repentance of the offending party, he may exact restitution. The restitution must be commensurate with the offense; otherwise, it's retribution, not restitution.

When the offending party provides restitution, the restitution alone must be considered adequate proof of his repentance. No subjective assessment on the part of the offended party is permitted.

The offended party is required to extend his forgiveness - meaning that he releases the offender from alienation and restores him to fellowship.

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God breaks off his fellowship with us whenever we refuse to forgive others - meaning "release them from our wrath." Our failure to forgive others does not put our sonship in jeopardy or threaten our salvation; it's strictly a matter of losing our fellowship with God. Matthew 6:12-15 should be understood in the light of1 John 1:3, 5-7. Whenever we refuse to process our offenses with others or harbor thoughts of vengeance, we jeopardize our fellowship with God - and it's in that sense that he doesn't forgive us (Matthew 6:12-15 and Mark 11:25-26). Cf., 1 John 3, 5-7; Romans 12:19.

Luke 17:3

Luke 17:3

Luke 17:3

Provides restitution.Proves his repentance.

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Matthew 18:15

The Old Testament defines the meaning of "forgiveness" as used by Jesus. And the Old Testament meaning of forgiveness always included "restitution." All sin can be defined in terms of a "theft." Therefore, restitution is the act of restoring what was stolen - proving repentance; in addition, the act of restitution included the addition of at least 20% to the value of what was taken. (Cf., Exodus 22:1; Leviticus 5:16, 6:4, 24:21; Numbers 5:5-7)

*


SUMMARY SHEET FOR PROCESSING OFFENSES

1. If your spouse has offended you, first make sure that you’ve given up all thought of vengeance - thatyou’re free from all vindictiveness; otherwise, you’re in a state of sin yourself - and you should neverattempt to “rebuke” your spouse while you yourself are in a state of sin. God will not honor yourrebuke. It will only serve to further alienate you from your spouse. Scripture, however, does notrequire that you postpone your rebuke until your anger has completely dissipated; anger is notvengeance. Anger can lead to vengeance; nevertheless, there’s a very real distinction between the two.But, be careful here! You can very easily fool yourself.

2. You are not permitted to prolong the process of composing yourself - of releasing your wrath to God.You must engage your faith and act quickly to “put off” all thoughts of vengeance. Scripture strikes anote of urgency here: the offense must be resolved as quickly as possible. There’s no justifiable excusefor protracting it.

3. Go to your spouse privately and rebuke him/her. Try never to rebuke your spouse in the presence ofothers. Keep in mind the definition of the biblical term “rebuke.” It does not mean to rail; it means to

a. prove your case;b. describe it thoroughly;c. explain carefully why it’s an offense - and what, specifically, it “stole” from you.

Remember, the dynamic underlying all sin is “theft.” What, then, has your spouse’s offense stolenfrom you? If you’re unable to describe your spouse’s offense in terms of a theft, it may not be anoffense in any genuine biblical sense. It may be simply a disagreement; and a disagreement is not anoffense in and of itself.

4. Do not wait long for your spouse to assume the initiative - to acknowledge his/her offense and seekyour forgiveness. That’s not a biblically condoned attitude. Scripture never leaves you in a state ofcontingency - waiting for your spouse to act. If he/she fails to assume the initiative, you must take thefirst step. And if you don’t, you put yourself in a state of sin. Once again, you are required to actquickly - to resolve the offense just as soon as possible. It should not be long and drawn out.

5. Don’t expect your spouse to be able to articulate his/her offense. He/she may not even be aware thathe/she has offended you. His/her ignorance, in and of itself, is not an offense. It should not be “heldagainst” him/her. You bear the responsibility of describing the offense. Don’t make it his/herresponsibility.

6. Do not attempt to “slough off” your spouse’s offense - especially, if you find it “eating away at you.”Inevitably, it will fester below the surface of your consciousness - eventually generating a defilingbitterness. Remember, bitterness always defiles. First, it will defile you - and, then, ultimately, it willdefile your spouse and your children as well - extending its reach even to your closest and dearestfriends.

7. “Stewing” is sinful. If you find yourself stewing, do not blame it on your spouse. It’s not his/her sin;it’s yours. Don’t stew!

a. Go to your spouse;b. confront him/her directly with his/her offense; andc. rebuke him/her - keeping in mind what the word “rebuke” actually means.

8. Your rebuke must stay focused on a specific, well defined offense - a single incident, not a series ofincidents. You must not allow it to extend to his/her personality or even to a character trait imbeddedin his/her personality. Do not go “cosmic.” If you extend your rebuke beyond a single, specificoffense, you put yourself in a state of sin.


9. Your perception of an offense cannot be based upon "second guessing" or "reading between the lines."The offense should stand on its own - stripped of any subjective assessment on your part. If a specificgesture or comment is subject to a variety of interpretations and its meaning is not immediatelyapparent, you may respectfully ask your spouse about it. If your spouse denies malice, you arerequired to take him/her at his/her word.1 You must rid yourself of the habit of playing amateurpsychologist. To do so puts you in a state of sin. Troubled individuals are forever interpreting thebehavior of others through an "interpretational grid" built out of their own fears and lusts. That gridmust be utterly dismantled.

10. No “word of knowledge” or “prophetic word” of any kind can be brought to bear. Neither plays anyrole whatsoever in processing an offense with your spouse. All offenses must be processed on a purelyobjective plane.

11. Your rebuke must be redemptive in nature. It should never assume the form of “railing.” Ultimately,you should design your rebuke to effect reconciliation, not further alienation.

12. If your rebuke prompts your spouse to repent, you must forgive him/her - and that means terminatingyour estrangement from him/her - in concrete, tangible ways. You should be able to specify exactlywhat you’ve been withholding from him/her in terms of a broken relationship - and restore exactly thatto him/her. If you don’t restore him/her to a state of intimacy - in a concrete, tangible form - you putyourself in a state of sin.

13. If you doubt your spouse’s repentance, you’re permitted to exact restitution. Restitution serves to provethe sincerity of your spouse’s repentance, not some subjective assessment on your part. Again, neithera word of knowledge nor a prophetic word of any kind can be brought to bear. Neither can be used inproving the sincerity of his/her repentance. Restitution alone serves this purpose. Moreover, restitutionshould never be confused with retribution. The restitution should be commensurate with the offense; itshould restore what your spouse’s offense stole from you - adding 20% to its value. Anything more isretribution.

14. Restitution should always be used whenever you doubt the sincerity of your spouse’s repentance.Don’t allow yourself to think - nor allow your spouse to persuade you - that if you don’t exactrestitution you’re thereby behaving spiritually. That’s simply not true. If you doubt your spouse’srepentance and yet fail to exact restitution, you’ll inevitably find that you’ve made it difficult to “closethe offense” and restore your spouse to intimacy. You’re doing both yourself and your spouse a gravedisservice.

15. If you forgive your spouse without exacting restitution, you can't later change your mind and seek toexact it. Your forgiveness must stand without it - however difficult that might be. "A card laid is acard played."

16. Except in the most egregious of cases2, forgiveness and restoration to fellowship should not be madecontingent upon actually completing whatever restitution has been agreed to. All that's required is theagreement itself and, correspondingly, a good faith effort to follow through. If it's determined that agood faith effort is not being undertaken, that should be considered an additional offense - and handledaccordingly.

1 Exodus 22:10-11 is emphatic: a believer's word is decisive whenever a witness cannot be found to corroborate a suspectedtheft, fraud, or some other malfeasance. If the person suspected of theft or fraud denies that he's guilty, his word settles thematter.

Exodus 22:10 If a man deliver unto his neighbour an ass, or an ox, or a sheep, or any beast, to keep; and it die, orbe hurt, or driven away, no man seeing it:

Exodus 22:11 Then shall an oath of the Lord be between them both, that he hath not put his hand unto hisneighbour's goods; and the owner of it shall accept thereof, and he shall not make it good.

FOOTNOTES

2 e.g., adultery, violence, etc.


17. If your spouse acknowledges his/her offense but feels that the restitution you’re demanding is notcommensurate with the offense he/she has committed, you must permit him/her to seek the judgment ofthe Agonia. Furthermore, you’re not permitted to hold against him/her either the fact that he/shedisagrees with the restitution you’re demanding or the fact that he/she wants it submitted to the Agoniafor its evaluation. The judgment of the Agonia must stand1.

18. If your spouse, after listening attentively and respectfully to your rebuke - with no interruptions -wishes to respond to your rebuke, you’re obliged to listen. You must be prepared to engage yourspouse in a dialogue; but the dialogue should not be long and drawn out. Furthermore, your spouse isnot permitted to harangue you or raise any additional issues. He/she is obliged to maintain a gentle,nonthreatening, respectful attitude. The offense alone should constitute the focus of the dialogue.

19. Resist the temptation to placate and appease your spouse. The sin must be resolved and the offenseclosed. God is not pleased when a sin is overlooked for the purpose of appeasing or placating yourspouse. You inevitably leave him/her in a state of sin and fail in your responsibility to shepherd him/her back to God.

20. Your spouse is not permitted to question your motives in bringing the rebuke. He/she is not allowed toplay the role of “amateur psychologist.” If the offense is real, that alone is sufficient.

21. If your spouse fails to acknowledge his/her sin or fails to listen attentively and respectfully to yourrebuke, you’re not permitted to drop the issue. You must not allow yourself to be bullied by him/her.To do so puts you in a state of sin. You’re obliged to invoke the principles outlined in Matthew 18: calltwo or three others as witnesses to your rebuke - drawn from the Agonia. If they were witnesses to theoffense itself, they can testify to its authenticity; otherwise their judgment is restricted to two issues2:

a. Is your spouse giving you a fair hearing?b. Are the "rules" being honored and rigorously applied?

The judgment of the witnesses must stand2.

22. The witnesses are not to play the role of intermediaries; they are not to insert themselves into the actualconfrontation; they must keep themselves from passing judgment on any of the substantive issues beingdiscussed. Their role is strictly limited: once again: (1) whether or not a fair hearing is being providedand (2) whether or not the rules are being rigorously applied. Remember, direct, personalconfrontation is necessary if the reconciliation that emerges is to be truly personal in nature. And, atthis stage, that's still what we're seeking. Personal reconciliation requires personal confrontation - andintermediaries tend to subvert this kind of an outcome.

23. If the witnesses determine that your spouse has given you a fair hearing but that an impasse hasnevertheless been reached, they may refer the matter to the Agonia as a whole. The judgment of theAgonia must stand1. Here, the Agonia is passing judgment on substantive issues.

24. The Agonia will determine whether or not an actual offense has occurred; it may also help to determinean appropriate restitution - should restitution be required. Here again, the Agonia is passing judgmenton substantive issues. The judgment of the Agonia must stand1.

1. The authority of the Agonia, however, is not absolute in the sense that the authority of the students supersedes the authorityof the instructional staff. If the instructional staff spots a mistake, it reserves the right to correct that mistake and explainwhy it's being corrected. That's obviously part of the entire teaching process that's taking place.

2. In Chapter Two of this section, I pointed out that the witnesses are required to restrict themselves to only one issue, not two:whether or not a fair hearing is being provided. Here, I've apparently broadened the scope to two issues. But actually thesecond issue is merely an elaboration of the first. I've included it here only to further define the meaning of "fairness" andto indicate clearly that the rules we've been enumerating are part of that definition.

FOOTNOTE


25. Once the offense is closed, intimacy must be restored in a concrete, tangible form. Otherwise, a stateof sin exists.

26. If, after the offense has been “closed,” you find that you don’t want to restore your spouse to a state ofgenuine intimacy - that, instead, your anger remains and you want to continue your alienation fromhim/her, you’re obliged to assume that your spouse is not responsible for the residual anger you'refeeling; that, as a matter of fact, its source lies elsewhere; that it may indeed be free-floating. You mustask God to help you identify that source. Don’t permit your spouse or anyone else to play “amateurpsychologist.” Enter into fellowship with God alone - in the secret chambers of your own heart. In themeantime, you can’t hold your spouse in a state of alienation - regardless of how you feel. To do soputs you in a state of sin.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

STUDY THE GRAPHICS ON THE NEXT SEVERAL PAGES

Please study very carefully the graphics on the next three pages. They outline some of the pitfalls that needto be watched for in making use of the forgiveness principles. Rule #1 is especially critical. If you're notable to surrender your wrath to God in processing offenses, the whole forgiveness process will be perverted.


A SnitMeanSpiritedness

YOURSPOUSE

YOU

Offends

THAT'S RIGHT!God expects you to be kindand gentle regardless ofwhat your spouse does -regardless of how she'soffended you - regardlessof how she responds toyour rebuke.

Despair

The Responses Your Spouse's Offenses Never Justify!

We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed;we are perplexed, but not in despair;Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but notdestroyed;Always bearing about in ourselves the dying ofthe Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus mightbe made manifest in us. 2 Cor. 4:8-10

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, enduresall things. 1 Cor. 13:7

And (God) said to me, My grace issufficient for you: for my strength is madeperfect in (your) weakness. 2 Cor. 12:9

But I say to you who hear, Love yourenemies, do good to those who hate you,Bless those who curse you, and pray forthose who spitefully exploit you.Luke 6:27-28

Unj

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Response Unjusti

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Holding Your Spouse in BiblicalAlienation...

What It Doesn't Mean!

Alienation is not an excuse to cease bearing the"fruit of the Spirit." It's not an excuse to be"snitty" or mean and nasty to your spouse.

Being"snitty"

Being meanand nasty.

The Fruit of the SpiritLove, joy, peace, patience, kindness,goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,and self-control.

Can't Do!

Mu

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Can't

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What Alienation Does Mean

But Jesus did not commit himself unto them, because he knew allmen...John 2:23-24

He doesn't get the key to your heart! That'swhat alienation means.

It doesn't mean that you're mean-spirited; itdoesn't mean that you're unkind. It simplymeans that you don't fully commit yourself;you don't fully "open yourself up;" you, insome very real sense, "hold back." It meansthat you can justifiably "protect" yourselfemotionally. Jesus was never unkind;however, he didn't always "commit" himselffully to those he came to save.

Alienation is abnormal. Andunjustified alienation is abominable.Remember, only a specific, concreteoffense justifies alienation - and eventhen the offended party must makeevery effort to quickly resolve theoffense; otherwise she slips into sinherself.

Biblicalalienationenables

you toprotectyour

"heart."

UnjustifiedAlienation Is

Dangerous to YourSpiritual Well-Being

Take

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Moving

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VengefulRebuke

RedemptiveRebuke

Headed for a wreck

Vengeancehas beensurrendered toGod. The rebuke isnot some thinlydisguised attempt to"even the score" - to"get back" at yourspouse. It's governedby the principle oflove.

Sabotaging the Forgiveness Process- Breaking Rule #1 -

The rebuke isdelivered in a spirit ofvengeance andanimosity. It's an attemptto "get even" - to regaincontrol.

Nothing is more detrimental to the whole forgiveness process than delivering a rebuke in a spirit of vengeance andanimosity. If a rebuke is little more than a thinly disguised attempt to “get even,” the forgiveness process is more thanmerely undermined; it’s actually perverted: it becomes counterproductive - and serves only to exacerbate bitternessand strife. There is no more telling mark of spiritual immaturity! Every step in the process must be taken in a spiritof redemption - regardless of whatever response is evoked - whether it's anger, contempt, malice, etc. It doesn'tmatter! Even if your spouse casts herself in the guise of an enemy, you’re to act in love - and move forwardredemptively.

Luke 6:27 But I say unto you who hear, Love yourenemies, do good to them who hate you,

Luke 6:28 Bless them that curse you, and pray forthem who spitefully use you.

Look carefully now at verses 32 and 33:

Luke 6:32 For if you love them who love you, whatthanks have ye? for sinners also love thosewho love them.

Luke 6:33 And if you do good to them who do good toyou, what thanks have ye? for sinners alsodo even the same.

You’re no better than a sinner if you can muster love ONLY for those who loveyou - and who treat you with respect and kindness.

1 Corinthians 13 provides an extraordinary definition of love - and it shouldgovern every step of the forgiveness process - from the very first step to the verylast - and if you can't manage that, it's because you're spiritually stunted.

Love suffers long, and is kind; love envies not; love vaunts notitself, is not puffed up,

Does not behave itself unseemly, seeks not her own, is not easilyprovoked, thinks no evil;

Rejoices not in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;Bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all

things.Love never fails...

1 Cor. 13:4-8


The Legitimate Uses of Restitution

#1 #2

Restitution is not meant to help you "even the score." If you make that its use, you're in violation ofRule�#1: you haven't surrendered your wrath to God; instead, you're harboring vengeance and animosity.That inevitably perverts the whole forgiveness process. It's not merely that you're compromising theforgiveness process, it's that you're twisting and distorting it. You're transforming it into an actual vehicleof alienation.

Restitution helps you to (1) close the offense; it enables you to formally mark its termination. (2) It provesthe repentance of the offending party - concretely and existentially It enables you to objectively assess itsauthenticity: if it's tendered, repentance must be assumed. Anyone who is genuinely repentant will not wantto enjoy the fruit of his sin. (3) Finally, it enables you to shepherd the person who has offended you: itprovides you a means of helping him come to grips with his sin, acknowledge it, forsake it, and reconcilehimself to God.

#3

Shep

herd

th

e offenderUnderscore closure

Prov

e re

pent

ance

Get your "pound of flesh."

Proves repentance byrestoring what was stolen Shepherds the offenderUnderscores closure

Restitution

Restitution servesthree purposes

Vengeance pervertsrestitution and destroys thewhole forgiveness process.


Exacting Restitution Is Very TrickyExacting restitution is a very tricky proposition. You'll find yourself walking a thin line - with the "Swampof Appeasement" on the left and the "Swamp of Vengeance" on the right." On the one hand, restitutionshould never be avoided simply to placate your spouse. That will make you guilty of violating Ezekiel 3:18-19 - which enjoins us to assume the responsibility of shepherding sinners back to God - of helping them toacknowledge their offenses and repent of them. Furthermore, in the case of your spouse, it will make it

difficult for youto avoidbitterness, closewhatever offensehas alienated thetwo of you, andput yourselvesonce again at riskwith each other.But if youmanage to avoidslipping into that"swamp" - theone on the left -it's quite possiblethat you'llstumble into theone on the right,the "Swamp ofVengeance."Vengeance willpoison the wholeforgivenessprocess - andtransform it intoan actual vehicleof alienation. Itwill serve only toexacerbate thebitternessdividing the twoof you - anddeepen thealienation.Exactingrestitution ismeant to effectreconciliation -that alone andnothing else. Ifit's put to anyother use, itbecomesperverted.

Swam

p of

Veng

eanc

e and

anim

osity

Swam

p of

Placa

ting a

nd A

ppea

sing

Wal

k do

wn

the

mid

dle

Proves repentance byrestoring what was stolen

Shepherds the offender

Underscores closure

1.

3.

2.

Placate and Appease

Exa

c tpo

un

d of flesh

Governed by a Spirit of Loveand Redemption


Your agonia-mates are neither soldiers yousend ahead to fight your battles nor downfieldblockers you send ahead to “clear your path.”You can’t use them to evade yourresponsibility!You’ve got to do theconfronting andcorrecting, not them.You can’t sit downon the job and turn itover to others.Personal reconciliationis just that - personal.

IT'S YOUR JOB TO CONFRONT AND CORRECT!DON'T EXPECT OTHERS TO DO IT FOR YOU!

You can't sit on your fannyand get others to doyour workfor you!

You can't sit on yourfanny and get othersto do your workfor you!

Agonia Husbands

Agonia Husbands

Many of you will be tempted to continue using your "agonia-mates" to "confrontand correct" your spouse for you. That's no longer permissible! Don't do it! Ifyour spouse offends you, you must now confront him yourself; don't call youragonia-mates and get them to send their husbands over to "do your work for you."That was permissible before the "Forgiveness Rules were introduced;" but it's notpermissible any longer. Even if he "stonewalls" your rebuke, it's still not OK toget others to "confront and correct" in your behalf. You should immediately callfor your agonia-mates to witness your rebuke; but that's all. It's still up to you to"confront and correct." That's not the job of the witnesses. It's your job! Thewitnesses are just that - witnesses. The same holds true, of course, for husbands.


If your husband offends you, rebukehim; if he stonewalls your rebuke,your next option is not to "send" theagonia husbands to "deal" with him.It's to promptly call for witnessesand rebuke him again. We havenoticed that far too many agoniawives - and some agoniahusbands - are circumventingthe second rebuke. To do soviolates the ForgivenessRules and makespersonal reconciliationimpossible. Moreover,the witnesses who attendthe second rebuke are notauthorized to rendersubstantive judgments.Their role is strictlylimited: (1)�they are tomake sure that the spousewho's being rebukedprovides a "fair hearing" -meaning that he listensattentively and respectfully;and (2) that all theForgiveness Rules arehonored. If the offense is notresolved at this stage, then,and only then, is it "kickedup" to the agonia as a whole -at which point a substantivejudgment is rendered.

Don't Skip the Second Rebuke

2

The Agonia husbands can'tdo your work for you!

And, if he stonewallsyou, call for

witnesses and rebukehim a second time

Rebuke him thefirst time

1

2

Thisisnotyournext option!

Call for

Witnesses


The Job of the Witnesses

Offense

Someone Else's

Do not pick up either spouse's offenses! Don'ttake sides!

Don't intervene on any of the substantiveissues being discussed! Leave that alone!

Make sure that there's a "fair hearing" andthat the Forgiveness Rules are enforced!

Read over the Forgiveness Rules! Make sureyou all understand them thoroughly!

Make sure they stay engaged!

ForgivenessRulesForgiveness

Rules


MODIFYING THE MEANING OF "TATTLING"IN LIGHT OF THE FORGIVENESS PRINCIPLES

When the Agonia was first formed, we encouraged everyone to "tattle" on one another - to directly inserthimself/herself into the marital disputes of the other couples enrolled in the Agonia - without regard topersonal reconciliation between husband and wife. We encouraged wives to tattle on their husbands; and,likewise, husbands to tattle on their wives. And we made no apology for the use of the word "tattle." Weused it for effect - well aware of its pejorative connotations. Our concern was threefold: (1) we wanted tobreak down each person's "privacy bubble;" (2) establish the integrity of the Agonia itself - making sure thatit was well built, entrenched, and secure; and (3) we wanted to make sure that any on-going abuse (includingaddictions) was exposed and eliminated.

But now, in light of the Forgiveness Principles we've just examined and plan now on applying, we need tomake some adjustments. Wives and husbands should abide by the Forgiveness Principles and adjust their"tattling" in light of those principles:

1. Try not to directly insert yourself in another couple's marital dispute.a. Remember the truth embodied in principle #21 on the Summary Sheet: an intermediary

tends to jeopardize the possibility of genuine personal reconciliation; andb. remember also that no one is permitted "to take up someone else's offense."

2. If someone calls you to report an offense, that's still permissible; however, don't take sides - anddon't pass judgment. He or she may simply need to "talk." He or she may need your perspectiveand encouragement. However, make sure that you restrict yourself largely to listening - and that,ultimately, your objective is kept sharply focused: specifically, that the person calling applies theForgiveness Principles - and that the whole process is rigorously pursued to a conclusion.

3. Direct intervention is still permissible in cases ofa. violence or threats of violence; andb. addiction - including, but not limited to, drugs, alcohol, pornography, prostitution,

homosexuality, gambling, etc.

STUDY THE GRAPHIC ON THE PREVIOUS PAGE!

HOMEWORK

Please read the Chapter 5 - Learning to Use the Forms." Don't spend too much time trying to understand theactual forms themselves. They'll be explained to you next week during class.


STUDENT NOTES


Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday


Day #1

Day #2

Day #3

Day #4

Day #5

Day #6

Day #7

FORGIVENESS©

CHAPTER 6LEARNING TO USE THE FORMS


WEEK OF_____________________


Week




Tw

o C

hapt

ers

from

the

Gos

pels

15 M

inut

es o

f P

raye

r

Pra

yer

Jour

nal

Squa

bble

Rul

e V

iola

tion

s

Res

pons

e to

C

orre

ctio

n

Ago

nia

Con

tact

s

Fru

it o

f th

e Sp

irit

Doe

s N

ot B

lam

e Sp

ouse

Shar

es J

oy w

ith

Spou

se

Reb

uffe

d O

vert

ures

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday


Totals

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your Spouse

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's



Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpousePositive

Responses

OverturesAttempted

PostiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

Your's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your Spouse

TotalPositives

TotalAttempted

Ratio

TotalYes or No


Day #7

Day #6

Day #5

Day #4

Day #3

Day #2

Day #1


It's very important for you to rigorously use these forms. You'll be tempted again and again to circumventtheir use - waiving them off - just so much bureaucratic nonsense. "I can keep track of my progress withouttheir use." Nothing, however, could be more detrimental to your long-term healing. The offenses thatmany of you are harboring are so deeply entrenched and so pervasive that a "formal closure" is vital. Andthese forms afford precisely that.

In addition, their use provides you an opportunity to carefully define each offense - and, then, "pinpoint"each step on the way toward closure. That's very important - because long term offenses tend to lose theirshape; their exact nature becomes obscure and nebulous; they flit in and out of our consciousness like somany phantoms; and it becomes difficult, if not impossible, to "get our hands around them" in any kind ofmeaningful way. The forms provide just such a way.

Finally, once the offense is closed, the offending party has a written record testifying to its closure - that theoffense in question can no longer be used to justify alienation.

Bear in mind that alienation can never be justified except for cause. And once its cause hasbeen biblically resolved, it must be terminated. And unless it is, the offended partybecomes the offending party - "the monkey jumps!" Guilt and sin pass from theoffending party to the offended party!

THE MONKEY JUMPS!

Make sure that you catch the significance of "the monkey jumps!" Remind yourself ofits implications again and again. Remember, alienation acquires a momentum of itsown over time. It becomes almost self-perpetuating. And once its biblical cause iseliminated, letting it go - dropping it - renouncing it - becomes very difficult. It has become, in somedevilish sense, a "friend." You've learned to "feed" upon its companionship. Faith is the key - and, in futurelessons, we'll be spending a great deal of time studying the whole issue of faith. For the moment, however,all you need to do is learn to acknowledge the illegitimacy of alienation once its cause has been biblicallyresolved.

RESTORING INTIMACY ENTAILS PUTTING YOURSELF AT RISK

Genuine intimacy is a state of risk. And to the extent that anyone wants to be "safe," to that extent - andprecisely to that extent - the very possibility of intimacy is compromised.

LEARNING TO USE THE FORMS


Safe

ty C

once

rn

Clo

sene

ss o

f Rel

atio

nshi

p

Lev

el o

f In

tim

acy

100%

75%

50%

25%

0%

100%

75%

50%

25%

0%

100%

75%

50%

25%

0%

Safety Concerns are PredominantUnwilling to Put Self at Risk

Safe

ty C

once

rn

Clo

sene

ss o

f Rel

atio

nshi

p

Lev

el o

f In

tim

acy

100%

75%

50%

25%

0%

100%

75%

50%

25%

0%

100%

75%

50%

25%

0%

Safety Concerns Set AsideWilling to Put Self at Risk

Putting yourself at risk once again - that's the second courageous step you'll have to take. It's not enough foryou to concede the illegitimacy of alienation once its cause has been eliminated; it's not sufficient to merelyacknowledge the need to overcome its perverse momentum. Your next step is to actually set aside yoursafety concerns and make yourself vulnerable. That's perhaps the most difficult decision you'll face duringthis whole year.

The whole issue of intimacy will be taken up in later lessons. We're not going to be spending much time onit at this juncture. You've got your hands full just becoming accustomed to the forms - and learning to usethem rigorously.

The actual "forgiveness forms" are included in this section. You should keep these forms blank - and usethem only to make copies. Your instructors will be explaining these forms to you at great length. Be sure toask for clarification of any feature you find confusing.

POST OFFENSE CLOSURE FORM

You will not be making use of the Post Offense Closure Form at this juncture. Your instructors will explainit now; however, it won't be brought into use until later - when we study "free-floating anger."

START USING THE FORMS NEXT WEEK

Next week you're to begin using the forgiveness forms to process "dung pile" offenses. However, you'llcontinue to use the "Squabble Rules" for all your current offenses.

START WITH "DUNG PILE" OFFENSES

We're going to be starting off having you process "dung pile" offenses. We'll be addressing current offensesin the following chapter.


"DUNG PILE" OFFENSES

As part of your homework for this next week, you should select five - no more than five - "dung pile"offenses from the past. A "dung pile" offense should be at least one year old. Any offense less than a yearold should be treated as a current offense.

The "dung pile" is an amalgam of all your unresolved offenses from the past - each one festering, producingever more bitterness. The pile stinks! It stands between you and your spouse and makes genuine intimacyimpossible. Tragically, however, you've learned to live with it. But you're not going to be allowed to livewith it anymore. We'll be forcing you to roll up your sleeves, pull on your hip boots, and pick up yourshovels. For the next several months, you're going to be hard at work "shoveling shit."

The five offenses you select must be written up on the offense forms you've been provided. Remember thatit's your responsibility to make copies of the offense forms.

You'll probably want to write up more; but hold yourself to five - the five worst, most heinous offenses -ones you call to mind the most frequently and have caused you the most grief over the years. The five worstoffenses will represent the "dung pile" as a whole: eliminate them - close them - and the whole pile willdisappear. Closing the five worst offenses should build so much trust between you and your spouse that theothers can be easily "set aside." The trust that's built will be maintained and strengthened to the extent thatyou and your spouse work hard to resolve any current offenses that arise.

Does disregarding other offenses from the past entail ignoring the character traits that produced them? Ofcourse not. Why? Because the character traits that gave rise to them will eventually surface once again inthe form of other specific offenses - giving you another "crack" at getting to those traits - biblically - andeventually eradicating them.

KILL THE FOLIAGE - KILL THE ROOT

Again and again remind yourself not to "go for the root" - the underlying character trait that has spawned theactual offense you've suffered. Remind yourself that the only effective means of killing the root is to kill thefoliage it produces above ground - the specific offense it germinates. You must stay above ground!

Have you ever noticed that the more you "go for the root," the more intractable your spouse becomes? Itmight produce a momentary sense of gratification to "get your hands around his jugular," but it resolvesvery little - and often the possibility of genuine reconciliation is seriously compromised. Your spouse -unless he's hopelessly mulish - will respond to a rebuke that's limited to a single, well defined offense. Whenhe realizes that his entire personality is not being called into question, he's more likely to submit himself toyour rebuke and the accompanying conviction of the Holy Spirit.

Remember, the Trespass Offering is not meant to expiate the sin imbedded in a character trait. But if it'sused consistently to expiate the sin of specific offenses, eventually the trait that occasions those offenses willbe "killed." Kill the foliage and flower, and the root will wither and die.


charactertraits

lyingdrugs

Don't digfor theroots; stayaboveground!

Kill thefoliage - andthe roots will

wither anddie.

Pick the leavesoff the tree.Don't getdiscouraged.One leaf a time.

bullying prom

iscuity

STAY ABOVEGROUND!DON'T GODIGGING FORROOTS!

RESTORING INTIMACY WITHOUT INSISTING ONERADICATING CHARACTER FLAWS

Remind yourself again and again that you must not make the termination of alienation - and the restorationof intimacy it requires - contingent upon eradicating a specific character trait - whatever that trait might be -a bad temper, coarse humor, insensitivity, stonewalling, alcoholism, drug addiction, whining, etc. Once aspecific offense has been closed, the alienation it prompted must be ended. There's no biblical justificationfor withholding intimacy. Hammer this truth home to yourself again and again.

CLOSURE OF THE FIVE "DUNG PILE" OFFENSES - WHAT IT MEANS

You need to know that your instructors plan on backing you into a corner - step by step. The five "dungpile" offenses you've selected are meant to represent and embody your past - all the grief you've suffered atthe hands of your spouse - the humiliation and injury you've incurred. Therefore, each "dung pile" offensethat's closed erodes any justifiable basis for your continued alienation from one another. You're being


forced to put yourself at risk once again! You're being forced to reconcile! Each week, your instructors willbe turning the screws tighter! We don't want this purpose to be hidden from you! We're getting it right outinto the open! We're not playing games here!

RESTITUTION FOR ALL DUNG PILE OFFENSES

All "dung pile" offenses must be "restituted." None of you will be permitted to forgive a "dung pile"offense without exacting restitution.

NOTHING SHOULD BE PUT OFF LIMITS

All past offenses should be "put on the line" - including offenses that you perhaps feel have already beenresolved. In light of your lack of genuine intimacy - the evidence of which is the fact that you're enrolled inthis class - it's highly unlikely that such offenses were resolved scripturally; it's more likely that you'd rather"keep them out of sight." Don't do it! Put it all on the line - so that they can finally be closed and thebitterness that's worked its way into your marriage can at last be extracted. Remember, you promisedtransparent honesty - and we plan on holding you to your word.


Name of the offense:

Date the offense was committed:

Name of the offending party:

Name of the offended party:

Date of the rebuke:

Offense acknowledged by offending party and forgiveness requested - no restitution sought:

Signed by offending party: Signed by offended party:

Dated by offending party: Dated by offended party:

Offense acknowledged by offending party; however, restitution is sought by offended party:In exacting restitution, it's very important to carefully and very accurately describe theoffense; otherwise, it will prove difficult to determine an appropriate restitution. Pleasedescribe the offense on the next page and affix it to this form. Then, describe below thenature of the restitution based on your description of the offense:

Restitution agreed to by offending party:

Offended party forgives offending party:

Released from alienation by offended party:

Forgiveness needs to be much more concrete than simply mouthing the words "I forgive you."Your alienation has assumed a concrete form: it has become tangible and palpable. Therefore,you must describe the specific form your alienation has assumed and how exactly it's beingdismantled as a result of your forgiveness. Remember: forgiveness is more than words. It's aprocess of discarding the barriers you've erected over the years to protect yourself.Description of the specific form your forgiveness is assuming:

Offenses Form - Processing Chart

Initialed

Initialed

Initialed

dated

dated

dated

Use boxesto √ off

progress

Offending party to initial box when genuinely released from alienation. dated

REFERRALS

1.

2.

Use boxes to√ off

progress

Referred to Witnesses Date Referred Date Completed

Date Completed Date ReferredReferred to Agonia




Name of the offending party:

Name of the offended party:

Please carefully, rigorously, in as much detail as necessary, delineate the specific offense you have suffered. It'simportant to be as precise as possible - because that will more effectively enable you to determine the mostappropriate restitution - one which is commensurate with the offense and which does not "cross the line" intothe realm of retribution. In addition, should the restitution be questioned by the offending party, this descriptioncan serve to guide the assessment of the Agonia.

Signed by offending party:

Offending party agrees that this is an accurate description:

Description of Offense

Description of Offense



Name of the Offended Party:

Name of the Offending Party:


Date the offense was closed:

I acknowledge that the offense has been closed; I further acknowledge, therefore, that there is nojustification for holding my spouse in a state of alienation - and I pledge not to do so.

Nevertheless, I confess that I still feel angry. I know, however, that the anger I feel cannot beattributed to my spouse. He/she is not responsible for it. Its source lies elsewhere. I will notblame my spouse for it.

I am hereby pledging to confess my anger to the following individuals within the Agonia and toenlist their help in keeping me from blaming the anger I continue to feel on the person responsiblefor the offense now closed.

I pledge to ask the Lord in prayer to reveal the source of my anger. I no longer wish to becontrolled by "free-floating anger." I am enlisting the following individuals within the Agonia tohelp me in my prayer - and, in addition, to support me with their counsel.

I believe that God has revealed to me the source of my anger - and I'm providing a description of itbelow:

Advisor #1 confirms: Dated:

Advisor #2 confirms: Dated:

Advisor #1

Advisor #2

Initialed by #1

Initialed by #2

Advisor #1

Advisor #2

Initialed by #1

Initialed by #2

POST OFFENSE CLOSURE FORM


HOMEWORK

1. Any student who hasn't been completing the assigned reading on his own should catch up duringthis next week. Don't complain! You're simply being held to your word. You promised to read allthe material assigned to you before class. Now, do it! Be true to your word! You must set asidetime for personal study and quiet reflection. If you find this difficult, it's only because you haven'tyet reordered your priorities. You promised to that as well. Do it!

2. You must intensify your efforts at calling one another to account. Make sure you stay in touchwith each other - that you exhort one another frequently.

3. Begin identifying and writing up your five dung pile offenses.

4. Use the "Forgiveness Forms" for dung pile offenses only. Continue to use the "Squabble Rules" toprocess all current offenses.

5. There's no reading assignment for this week.


STUDENT NOTES


Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday


Day #1

Day #2

Day #3

Day #4

Day #5

Day #6

Day #7

FORGIVENESS©

CHAPTER 7PROCESSING OFFENSES • LONG TERM OFFENSES


WEEK OF_____________________


Week




Tw

o C

hapt

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from

the

Gos

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15 M

inut

es o

f P

raye

r

Pra

yer

Jour

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Squa

bble

Rul

e V

iola

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s

Res

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e to

C

orre

ctio

n

Ago

nia

Con

tact

s

Fru

it o

f th

e Sp

irit

Doe

s N

ot B

lam

e Sp

ouse

Shar

es J

oy w

ith

Spou

se

Reb

uffe

d O

vert

ures

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday


Totals

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your Spouse

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's



Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpousePositive

Responses

OverturesAttempted

PostiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

Your's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your Spouse

TotalPositives

TotalAttempted

Ratio

TotalYes or No


Day #7

Day #6

Day #5

Day #4

Day #3

Day #2

Day #1


HOMEWORK FROM LAST WEEK

Last week, you were told to select five especially pernicious offenses from your past - and to write them upusing the offense forms that were provided. This week, you must select one or two to read - no more thantwo. You will be critiqued. Remember, it's especially important for you to keep focused on a single,specific offense. Spend the whole evening on this very important topic - how to write up an offense. Makesure that you do it correctly.

TONIGHT'S LESSON

Your instructors - tonight and for the next two or three months - will begin monitoring the progress you'remaking in terms of resolving dung pile offenses. The number of dung pile offenses is fixed - five, no more.And, of course, it should be the same five. If an extended period of time elapses with no change in thenumber of dung pile offenses being fully resolved, the instructors will attempt to determine why. They willencourage, exhort, and, if necessary, rebuke. They will insist upon progress! They have been told to berelentless!

You should help one another. The nature of your help can vary; e.g., describing an offense and writing it up;determining an appropriate restitution; etc.

HOMEWORK

1. Keep pressing yourself to complete writing up all five of your dung pile offenses. This is likely toprove very painful for you. Do it anyway!

2. Please read Chapter Seven - Don't Turn a Disagreement into an Offense."

PROCESSING OFFENSES • LONG TERM OFFENSES


STUDENT NOTES


Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday


Day #1

Day #2

Day #3

Day #4

Day #5

Day #6

Day #7

FORGIVENESS©

CHAPTER 8DON'T TURN A DISAGREEMENT INTO AN OFFENSE


WEEK OF_____________________


Week




Tw

o C

hapt

ers

from

the

Gos

pels

15 M

inut

es o

f P

raye

r

Pra

yer

Jour

nal

Squa

bble

Rul

e V

iola

tion

s

Res

pons

e to

C

orre

ctio

n

Ago

nia

Con

tact

s

Fru

it o

f th

e Sp

irit

Doe

s N

ot B

lam

e Sp

ouse

Shar

es J

oy w

ith

Spou

se

Reb

uffe

d O

vert

ures

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday


Totals

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your Spouse

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's



Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpousePositive

Responses

OverturesAttempted

PostiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

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What we want to do this evening is distinguish between a genuine offense and a mere disagreement.

Let's first discuss disagreements generally. Turn to Luke 17:3...

Luke 17:3 Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins againstyou, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.

Here we have a verse that we've examined already at great length. However, we need to make sure that weclearly understand when it's meant to be applied; that, specifically, it's meant to be applied only in cases ofsin, not mere disagreements. The word translated "trespass" in Luke 17:3 is “hamartano” - “αµαρτανο." Itdoes not convey the sense of a mere "disagreement." It's far more pointed than that. It's permeated with thestench of evil - which the word "disagreement" isn't. "Hamartano" is the verb form of the word "hamartia" -"αµαρτια" - which is used again and again throughout the New Testament to mean "sin." It's used in severalwell known passages of scriptures each of which leads up to an exposition of the atonement - including...

1. Romans 3:23 which helps to set the stage for Paul's explanation of the atonement in Romans 3:25and 26.

Rom. 3:23 ...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory ofGod...

2. The cry of repentance on the part of the Prodigal Son - when he comes to his senses, confesses hissins, and decides to return home - leading to his full restoration to fellowship.

Luke 15:18 I will arise and go to my father, and will say untohim, Father, I have sinned against heaven, andbefore thee...

3. The Apostle John's well known word of comfort to believers seeking cleansing and restoration withGod...

1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just toforgive us our sins and to cleanse us from allunrighteousness.

Obviously, many more examples could be marshalled. The point however is the same: what's at issue is sin,not a mere disagreement. It's sin that separates us from our fellow man and alienates us from God, not meredisagreements. If we sin against our neighbor - and fail to repent and make it right, we will invariably findourselves alienated from God. But if we disagree with our neighbor - and that's all it is, a mere disagreement- there's no need for repentance - and no alienation ensues.

1 John 1:9 does not read

1 John 1:9 If we confess our disagreements, He is faithful andjust to forgive us and to cleanse us from allunrighteousness.

DON'T TURN A DISAGREEMENT INTO AN OFFENSE


But many of us behave as if it did. The word in 1 John 1:9 is "αµαρτια" - "sin," not "disagreement."Disagreements do not stand in need of expiation; sins, however, do.

Turn now to Matthew 18:15. Here also is a verse that we've used in formulating our biblical process forresolving offenses. Again, let's make sure that we understand it correctly.

Matthew 18:15 Moreover if your brother sins against you, go andtell him his fault between you and him alone. If hehears you, you have gained your brother.

Once again, the word here is "harmartano" - "αµαρτανο."

Turn now to Mark 11:25...

Mark 11:25 And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye haveought against any: that your Father also which is inheaven may forgive you your trespasses.

Here the word is not "harmatia," but "παραπτοµα" - "paraptoma;" nevertheless, its meaning is essentially thesame.

In Matthew 6:14, the meaning of "paraptoma" is no different - malfeasance - malignancy - sin; here it'stranslated "transgressions."

Matt. 6:14 For if you forgive men for their transgressions, yourheavenly Father will also forgive you.

Paul uses "paraptoma" in Romans 5:17 to make the same point - again, malfeasance - malignancy - sin.

Rom. 5:17 For if by the transgression of the one, death reignedthrough the one, much more those who receive theabundance of grace and of the gift of righteousnesswill reign in life through the One, Jesus Christ.

We should never trivialize the meaning of "sin" by equating it with "disagreement." "Paraptoma" and"harmatia" are fraught with moral connotations far beyond what might legitimately be ascribed to a meredisagreement; and, yet, for many of us, we inadvertently react to disagreements with the same moralindignation that we do to sin. Why? Back in Chapter Seven of "Getting Started," we hinted at onepossibility. We pointed out that anyone afflicted with low self-esteem suffers from an inordinate need forapproval - self-validation. It becomes the sine qua non of almost all his relationships. Consequently, almostevery relationship is forced to serve that purpose. Therefore, whenever a disagreement arises and,consequently, approval is withheld, the person withholding it may well find himself accused of betrayal.

ROMANS CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Romans 14:1 admonishes us to learn how to live with disagreements - even with disagreements that touchupon moral convictions; that we shouldn't always insist upon their resolution. The lesson it teaches is crucial- especially for a generation that finds any kind of disagreement not only unpleasant, but far too oftenintolerable.

Rom. 14:1 Him that is weak in the faith receive ye, but not todoubtful disputations.


The phrase “weak in the faith” is not meant to identify believers whose faith in God is slackening. That’snot its meaning here. Paul is not pointing out believers who stand in jeopardy of falling into apostasy. Thephrase is meant only to identify believers whose faith is not sufficiently robust that it permits them to enjoythe full liberty that God’s grace affords them. There’s no doubt here in the Apostle’s mind that they’rewrong - which is why he uses the phrase “weak in the faith.” The liberty God’s grace allows should permitall Christians to ignore the ceremonial observances that the Mosaic order imposes - which is what's at thecore of the disagreements Paul enumerates in Romans Fourteen.

The word “receive” is “proslambano” (“προσλαµβανο”) - and it means

1. to take to one’s self;2. to take as one’s companion;3. to take or receive into one’s home, with the collateral thought of kindness;4. to grant someone access to one’s heart;5. to take into friendship.

Examples of its use are found in several other passages of scripture - including...

Acts 28:2 And the natives showed us extraordinary kindness;for because of the rain that had set in and because ofthe cold, they kindled a fire and received us all.

Rom. 15:7 Wherefore, accept one another, just as Christ alsoaccepted us to the glory of God.

Philem. 1:17 If then you regard me a partner, accept him as youwould me.

The word "receive" here in Romans 14:1 is in the present tense, the middle voice, and the imperative mood.The present tense implies on-going activity; the middle voice indicates that the subject is acting uponhimself; and the imperative mood puts the word in the form of a command. Often, when the present tense(though more often the imperfect tense), the middle voice, and the imperative mood are all combined, what’sbeing urged is “a frame of mind” - “a disposition.” What Paul’s asking us to do, in other words, is cultivatean attitude - an attitude that carries over into every day life - an attitude that then governs our every daybehavior. It’s not a single instance that he’s focusing on; it’s a habit that he wants us to adopt. Paul is tellingus to reach out to those who are "weak in the faith" - embrace them - include them in our fellowship - makethem feel at home with us.

The phrase "but not to doubtful disputations" qualifies the word “receive.” The meaning here is that we’renot to invite those who disagree with us into our company for the purpose of engaging them in conversationswhich center on our disagreements. The term “doubtful disputation” is not a good translation. The NASBprovides a better translation:

Romans 14:1 Now accept the one who is weak in faith, but not forthe purpose of passing judgment on his opinions.

The actual sense of the Greek, however, is even more pointed: “not for the purpose of passing judgment onhis scruples.”

If we find ourselves in the company of someone whose moral scruples we know are unnecessarily stinted,it’s often hard to resist the temptation to pound away at his errors. He refuses to buy a Christmas tree -saying that it offends his sensitivities; he prefers to worship on Saturday, not Sunday - saying that Saturday isthe Sabbath and that, therefore, Saturday is when we should worship; he won’t drink wine - convinced that


the word “wine” used in the Gospels is really grape juice and that Jesus would never allow actual wine tocross his lips. We know he’s wrong; we know his exegesis of the Scriptures is inaccurate and deficient; butwe’re told here to “let it pass.” We’re being instructed here to “live with our disagreements.”

The errors Paul has in mind here do not touch the core of the Christian faith; they do not, therefore,jeopardize anyone's standing in God’s sight - and should not, correlatively, jeopardize anyone's standingwithin the church community. It’s not that we’re being told never to attempt correction; however, Paul istelling us here not to press our attempts too strenuously; it’s not necessary; don’t do it. It needlessly disruptsthe harmony of the church; it upsets the “koinonia” into which we’ve all been called. What an importanttruth - and how much it needs to be honored - not only within our respective church communities, but withinour respective marriages as well! Some disagreements don't need to be resolved; so, we need to let themalone.

Let's move on now to verse 2.

Romans 14:2 For one believeth that he may eat all things: another,who is weak, eateth herbs.

Romans 14:3 Let not him that eateth despise him that eateth not;and let not him which eateth not judge him thateateth: for God hath received him.

There's no need for us to know exactly why the "weak" insisted on a diet composed only of herbs1; but,whatever the reason, it's clear that it sprang from their moral convictions. Why? Because verse 3 tells usthat the "weak" tended to censor anyone who didn't share their scruples - who, instead, went right on aheadand ate meat. That's the meaning of the word "judge." Once again, Paul's use of the word "weak" makes itclear that they're wrong - that their convictions are far too narrowly drawn. On the other hand, the "strong"tended to ridicule the "weak" - which is the sense of the Greek word translated "despise." The strong, then,suffered from the same blight afflicting the weak. Yes, their moral convictions were more aligned withGod's truth; nevertheless, their drift toward strife and factionalism was just as pronounced. What we havethen are two groups: The first censoring the second; and the second ridiculing the first. That's a verycommon conundrum isn't it - whether in marriages, in churches, among colleagues, or among friends? Andwhat's the answer? Verse 3 gives it: Paul first turns to the "strong" and admonishes them to stop ridiculingthe "weak;" then he turns to the "weak" and admonishes them to stop censoring the "strong." But, unlike hisadmonition to the "strong," Paul explains why to the "weak;" and that's because the "weak" stand in need ofan explanation: their moral convictions are at issue. Their consciences are grieved. That's not true of the"strong." His explanation is simple and straightforward: God has wholly embraced the very persons they'recondemning. And if God has cast his mantle of love and acceptance over them, who are they to withstand it?It's the same truth that Paul underscores in Romans 8:34.

Romans 8:34 Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died,yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at theright hand of God, who also maketh intercession forus.

Are they holier than God? Does their concern for righteousness exceed God's? That's the point Paul ismaking - and it carries over to the next verse.

FOOTNOTES1. Some scholars believe that the issue was rooted in idolatry - that in Corinth meat for sale in the public market was in all likelihood first

dedicated to pagan deities - which some believers insisted contaminated it and thereby made it unfit to eat. But there's no evidence in thepassage that lends direct support to this suggestion. In 1 Corinthians 8 and 10, there's no question that idolatry is what's at issue - becausePaul explicitly tells us so. And if that's the case in 1 Corinthians, why isn't it the case here in Romans 14? It's hard to be dogmatic here.


Romans 14:4 Who art thou that judgest another man's servant? tohis own master he standeth or falleth. Yea, he shallbe holden up: for God is able to make him stand.

Verse 4 begins with a rhetorical question - and its gist is very simple: the persons you're presuming to judgearen't your servants; therefore, you lack the right to judge them. That's the meaning of the phrase "...to hisown master he standeth or falleth." But there's more: God is not only judge, he's savior - and that's the pointof the next sentence: "Yea, he shall be holden up: for God is able to make him stand." It's not simply thatGod is our judge - ready to pounce on us with his judgment; he's also our savior. What God is telling the"weak," then, is very simple:

1. Stop calling "unclean" and "contaminated" the very persons I've invited into my household.

2. Stop presuming to judge - because you lack the standing. I alone will judge my servants.

3. I'm not only their judge, I'm their savior; and, as such, I'll enable them to "stand."

Let's move on to the next verse.

Romans 14:5 One man esteemeth one day above another: anotheresteemeth every day alike. Let every man be fullypersuaded in his own mind.

The nature of the disagreement now changes - from dietary regulations to Sabbath observances and holydays; but its essence is the same - with (1) the "weak in faith" still clinging to the Mosaic order - andinsisting on its continuing significance and (2) the "strong in faith" still convinced that the Mosaic order hasbeen consummated in Christ - and, therefore, fully superseded. What we have here, then, is no differentfrom verse 3:

1. the "weak" do not yet fully grasp the liberty that Christ has imparted to them - and, consequently,they censor the "strong" for enjoying it; and, by inference,

2. the "strong," though more aligned with biblical truth, ridicule the "weak" - and are unable to keepthemselves from the same spirit of dissension and animosity.

The problem is exactly the same; but Paul's admonition is different. Here Paul simply says "Let every manbe fully persuaded in his own mind." And we do well to pay close attention here. Paul is underscoring thecrucial importance of personal identity. In verse 1, Paul told us to stop making our differences of opinionthe topic of our conversations; that, more specifically, we shouldn't invite the "weak" into our fellowship forthe purpose of berating them. Why? Because it disrupts the harmony that God wants to characterize thechurch. If our disagreements don't touch upon an essential of the faith, we shouldn't permit any dissension toarise because of them. Let them alone. But here in verse 5, Paul carries his argument one step further. Ouropinions help to define our respective personal identities; and it's not simply the opinions themselves that aredeterminative - the substantive nature of those opinions - but how they're derived. The whole process offormulating an opinion - the very process itself - helps to produce a concrete sense of self.

This is my opinion!I've framed it!

I've turned the whole matter over in my mind, and this is my conclusion!


Paul is saying that we need to respect that process - and the best way to go about it is to leave untouched theopinions which are its result. Notice again how Paul composes his admonition:

Romans 14:5 ...Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind.

Personal consciousness is critical - in its own right. That's what Paul is declaring.

Let me try to be as succinct as I can:

Whenever we try to needlessly "force" an agreement, we inadvertentlyundermine the very basis of community - whether that "community" is achurch or a marriage. Why? Because "community" presupposesindividuals who have managed to acquire a concrete sense of self; and theprocess that helps to produce that sense is the very process that leads tothe formulation of personal opinions - with one person's opinion quiteoften at odds with another person's opinion.

A husband who's forever picking away at his wife's opinions - even when they've assumed the form of moralconvictions opposed to his - is undermining his relationship with her. And the awful irony is that he's apt tothink that he's strengthening the relationship; he's apt to think that disagreements are disrupting and theirelimination is helpful. The same holds true of a wife who's forever disputing her husband's opinions.Likewise, a pastor who insists on total agreement within his congregation is making the same tragic mistake.

Again, it's not that we can't occasionally challenge one another's opinions; it's that we shouldn't press ourchallenges to the point that we're led into the mistake of needlessly forcing an agreement. Again, we're nottalking here about any of the fundamentals of the faith.

SUMMING UP

Once again, too many couples are unable to distinguish between an offense and a disagreement. Make sureyou develop the skill necessary to make that kind of distinction. I've listed below seven rules to help guideyour discussion of disagreements:

1. Learn to distinguish between disagreements and offenses.2. Most disagreements do not need to be resolved.3. Learn to discuss your disagreements with no thought of resolving them.4. Learn that you don't need your spouse to agree with you - that your own emotional and spiritual

equanimity is not dependent upon it.5. Learn to acknowledge that your spouse is entitled to his/her own opinions - that those opinions -

and indeed the very process of formulating them - are vital to his/her own sense of self-identity.6. Learn to enjoy - actually enjoy - discussing your disagreements.7. Learn to use your disagreements to validate each other.

Always remember: disagreements can never justify alienation.

HOMEWORK

Please read Chapter 8 - "Processing Offenses • Focus on Restitution."


STUDENT NOTES


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FORGIVENESS©

CHAPTER 9PROCESSING OFFENSES • FOCUS ON RESTITUTION


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This week, we want to narrow our focus to one specific aspect of writing up an offense: determining anappropriate restitution. Let me list several important principles in helping to make that determination.

1. An Offense Is a TheftIf the offense at issue is not described in terms of a theft, it won't be possible toformulate an appropriate restitution. Get yourselves into the habit of asking,"What did this offense steal from me? What was taken from me?" Therestitution, then, must restore precisely that - adding one fifth to theprinciple.

You must be as specific as possible. Was it your reputation? Was it yourdignity? Was it your personal identity? Was it money? Was it friendship andtime together? Etc. Let's review several examples:

Example One - an actual offense drawn from another agonia:

Offense:A husband promises to take his wife on a weekend "get-a-way" to celebrate their anniversary.He keeps his word, but the whole time he's in an ugly mood. He picks away at thearrangements. He criticizes her attire; he brings up office matters. He sits and sulks. The"get-a-way" is a disaster.

What was stolen:A romantic, relaxing, enjoyable time away together.

An appropriate restitution:Another weekend "get-a-way" - only this time, it must be one fifth more lavish - perhaps aday longer - not just Friday through Sunday, but Thursday through Sunday. Moreover, hemust make his wife the sole focus of his attention. He must put a smile on his face - and forceaway any ugly mood that "comes knocking at his door." And don't think that's not possible!Remember, love is not a feeling; it's a concrete expression. It assumes the specific, existentialform of kindness, patience, gentleness, meekness, faithfulness, etc.

Example Two - an actual offense drawn from another agonia:

Offense:A husband humiliates his wife in front of others at a dinner party. He picks away at her andpoints out several of her faults.

What was stolen:Her reputation.

An appropriate restitution:She requires that he call each person - almost twenty separate individuals - who overheard hishumiliating comments - and acknowledge his sin - admitting how wrong he was. But that'snot sufficient. There's no restoration in merely confessing a sin. The key lies in restoring herreputation! Because that's what was stolen. He's required to highlight many of her finestqualities. And he must "put himself into it." It can't be "rote."

PROCESSING OFFENSES • FOCUS ON RESTITUTION


Example Three - an actual offense drawn from another agonia:

Offense:A wife goes cosmic on her husband - screaming at him about his habitual tardiness and hislack of consideration. After it's all over, she sulks for another two hours - saying nothing tohim. She goes on to hold him at arms length all of the next day.

No specific offense provoked the outburst and subsequent estrangement. She's just been alittle "under the weather" and depressed lately - and she "took it out" on her husband.

What was stolen:Both his dignity and his right to camaraderie.

An appropriate restitution:He requires that she write him a poem praising his manliness - and that she preparehim a lavish dinner and a quiet, romantic time alone together at home - with thechildren sent elsewhere for the evening.

2. It Must Be Restricted to a Single OffenseMake sure that the restitution pertains to a single offense. It can't be made torestore what multiple offenses have stolen. If the restitution is not commensuratewith a single, specific offense, it exacts more than scripture permits.

3. The Issue of TrustRestitution is not designed to restore trust as such. Trust is a by-product of restitution. If a husband promises to meet his wife forlunch, but breaks his promise because he forgets, it's not trust that hehas specifically stolen from her, it's a lunch and all that it entails - aquiet time together, a romantic interlude, etc. That's what must berestored. That's the restitution. Not trust. Trust is rebuilt inproviding the restitution, but trust itself is not the specific object ofthe restitution.

4. Restitution, Not Therapy or CounselingRestitution should never assume the form of "therapy." Therapy is designed to change attitudesand behavior - and, frankly, isn't that terribly effective; restitution, on the other hand, is designed torestore what one specific offense has stolen - thatand nothing more.

Restitution changes behavior in the long run; butthat's not its specific objective. If a wifeconstantly berates her husband and is foreverlosing her temper with him, an appropriaterestitution does not consist of insisting that sheenroll in an anger management class. That may bea fine idea; but it's not restitution as such. Eachspecific offense must be singled out - and anappropriate restitution formulated for that oneoffense. What did the offense steal? That alone iswhat's at issue. Nothing more.

If a husband is caught engaging in pornography -and so sins against his wife - an appropriate Counseling is not Restitution


restitution does not consist in requiring that he attend a weekly "sexual perversion" class. Thatmay indeed be a good idea; but it's not restitution as such.

Don't confuse therapy and restitution. Restitution is not geared directly toward changing thoughtpatterns and long-term behavior. Change will occur if each specific offense is singled out andconsistently addressed - day in and day out - week after week - month after month; but, like trust,it's a by-product, not a specific objective.

HOMEWORK

Keep pressing yourself to finish up your "dung pile" offenses. There's no new material to read this evening -nor is there any reading assignment for this next week.


STUDENT NOTES


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FORGIVENESS©

CHAPTER 10REVIEW • RULES FOR DISCUSSING CHARACTER TRAITS • DIFFERENT FORMS OF CONFLICT


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Spouse'sGrade

Agonia'sGrade


THE PERIODIC PLACATERS REPORTPlacaters are usually cast in the role of “victim” - and, in a very real sense, that’s anaccurate depiction - because they’re so easily “pushed around” and “controlled.” They“walk on egg shells” to preserve the peace. They won’t confront! But the peace theypurchase produces a profound bitterness - and dooms any possibility of intimacy.What we want to do is help the placaters - usually the wife, but sometimes the husband- to start holding their ground and “engaging” their spouses. And, toward that end,we’ll be periodically monitoring the progress they’re making in overcoming theirfears. There will be three grades that are assigned: (1) the placaters will givethemselves a grade; (2) their respective spouses will give them a grade; and, finally,the Agonia, as a whole, will grade their progress. The grades will be letter grades: A,B, C, D, and F. This will be a group effort. Let’s work hard at it!



REVIEW

Please close your manuals for this evening's quiz. This next week, review the answers to the questionsyou're being asked this evening.

1. Why is it important when processing an offense to never “go after” a character trait, but only asingle specific offense?

Answer:Because processing an offense must correspond to the Trespass Offering - and the TrespassOffering pertains only to specific, concrete offenses, not the sin nature that gives rise to thoseoffenses.

2. Give me an example of the difference between “going after” a character trait and “going after” anoffense - hopefully, drawn from your own experience.

3. What will happen if you consciously and rigorously stay focused on specific offenses - and processeach one patiently - one at a time?

Answer:The trait that occasions the specific offense will be eradicated.

4. Why is restitution important? What specific purposes does restitution serve?

Answer:a. It serves to prove the authenticity of a person’s repentance.b. It shepherds the person who’s committed the offense - by helping him to existentially get

a grip on what he’s done and the actual harm that he’s caused.c. It serves the purpose of bringing the offense to a formal close in the mind and heart of the

person who has been offended.

5. Why is placating and appeasing so wrong?

Answer:a. It leaves the offending party in a state of sin.b. It puts you, the offended party, in a state of sin. Ezekiel 3:18-19.c. It denies to the offending party his best hope of changing.

REVIEWRULES FOR DISCUSSING CHARACTER TRAITS •

DIFFERENT FORMS OF CONFLICT

PART I


6. What emotions and attitudes can get you into trouble when processing an offense?

Answer:Fear. Pity. Guilt. Hyper-spirituality. Forget these emotions; press on in any event.

7. Why are you your spouse’s best hope of changing?

Answer:You’re so much a part of his/her life No one else crosses his/her path as often as you do.

PART II

RULES FOR DISCUSSING AN OBNOXIOUS CHARACTER TRAIT

We've examined the reasons why it's not biblical to "go after" a character trait. But does that mean that youcan never under any circumstances discuss a character trait that troubles you - that you find disconcertingand obnoxious? Of course not; but you must process it differently. How?

1. If there are any unresolved offenses between the two of you, you cannot discuss the character traitsthat have occasioned those offenses. You must first resolve the offenses; and only then can youdiscuss the character traits that occasion those offenses.

2. You must ask your spouse’s permission to discuss a specific character trait.3. You cannot pursue it as an offense - simply a point of discussion.4. Your spouse always reserves the right to break off the discussion at any point without giving any

reason whatsoever. And you must graciously back off.

THE DIFFERENT FORMS CONFLICT ASSUMESIN TROUBLED RELATIONSHIPS

Conflict in troubled relationships can assume several different forms - including...

1. The issue is discussed, but it’s ordinarily fraught with acrimony. Neither spouse gives ground -and the conflict isn’t resolved - it’s abandoned and left to fester.


2. One spouse dominates and bullies - while the other placates and appeases for the sake of avoidingconflict. The bully gets his way; but the conflict isn't actually resolved. The "appeaser" - usuallythe wife but sometimes the husband - simply represses her anger and drives it underground whereit festers - eventually turning into a profound bitterness.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

3. Disconcerting and troubling issues are avoided altogether on the part of both spouses.


WHICH SCENARIO BEST FITS YOU?

I. If it's the first, what changes must you effect in your behavior and attitudes?

Answer:You must practice discussing troubling issues without trying to resolve them. If you makeresolution the goal of your discussions, often the whole process of trying to understand yourspouse's perspective is subverted: because instead of listening to what your spouse is saying, you'reapt to find yourself plotting your next step. The discussion - if indeed it can be called that -assumes the form of a chess match - a "zero sum game" - with a clear-cut winner and a clear-cutloser. That's why it's frequently helpful to develop the habit of simply discussing issues with nothought whatsoever of resolving them. If either of you loses your temper, simply process anoffense. Later on in the year you'll be shown how to break impasses. At this point, just cultivatethe simple - but often hard to practice - skill of "discussing and listening."

List below the couples who "fit" under this rubric:

1. _________________________________________________

2. _________________________________________________

3. _________________________________________________

4. _________________________________________________

5. _________________________________________________

Practice discussing controversial topics during this next week:This next week anyone who has been listed above must discuss several controversial issues - withno thought of reaching a resolution. Be prepared to report this next week on how well you did.

It may seem a bit strange at first - discussing a troubling issue with nothought of resolving it; but go ahead and try it; it works; and it builds trust.

II. If it's the second scenario, what changes must you effect in your behavior and attitudes?

Answer1. You must cultivate the habit of tattling. You must make your bullying partner realize

that your marriage relationship has changed forever - that, specifically, you have put yourmarriage in a state of permanent invasion - and that others are involved now in therelationship - and that, consequently, you’re not alone anymore. It’s not just that yourpartner is facing off with you; it’s that he’s facing off with you and others.


Remember too that bullies are not just good at intimidation; they’re also very goodmanipulators - meaning that they’re often adroit at “turning the tables,” inculcating guilt,and, surprisingly, eliciting pity. And, tragically, you’ve learned to “buy into it all.”You’re very susceptible; therefore, you’re not going to be able to resist effectively onyour own. Tattle! Don’t let your spouse isolate you. Isolation is part of a bully'sstrategy. Open up to others - let them know what's happening. Practice saying the word"tattle" - say it over and over again so that you’re not offended by it. I know that it's aptto arouse pejorative connotations; but I don’t care. I want you to overcome your fear ofit.

2. You must break out of your own privacy bubble. On the one hand, your spouse hasisolated you; on the other hand, however, you've isolated yourself. You've learned to"like" privacy yourself. In all likelihood it's become as much your medium as his. Butprivacy - too much of it - is a "killer." And bear in mind that you're probably unable todiscern between too much and too little privacy. You'll need help in making that kind of"call." Don't try to make it on your own.

3. You must realize that many of your attitudes are likely to be askew - the values youharbor, the boundaries you've set for yourself, your expectations, etc. They're apt tostand in need of being adjusted - sometimes radically. Develop the habit of discussingthem openly with others - of sharing them with your Agonia-mates.

4. It's very likely that your husband has "bought into" a false and very destructiveinterpretation of biblical authority. Whenever authority is used for the sole purpose ofgetting one’s way, it's abusive. Authority should never be used solely for the control itaffords. Authority is not domination. Later this year we'll spend a lot of time examiningthe whole issue of authority; for the moment, however, your husband needs to beencouraged to stop using his authority for the simple purpose of "getting his way." Don'tattempt to "back him off" on your own; get some help from your Agonia-mates. Tattle!


1. ________________ Who bullies:________________ Who is bullied:________________





Practice tattling this next week:

The wife - less frequently the husband - must become adept at spotting her spouse's bullyingtechniques - whatever form they might assume: intimidation, the inculcation of guilt, table turning,pity-ploy, etc. Whenever she spots it, she must "tattle" on him. She must practice overcoming herinstinctual aversion to tattling.


Get on the phone and tattle; overcomeyour aversion to it. Put your marriagein a state of permanent invasion. Don'tallow yourself to be bullied any longer.

She must also cultivate an awareness of when she's placating and appeasing. Whenever she spotsherself doing it, she must practice bringing the whole conversation to a stop, calling a time-out, andimmediately getting in touch with one of her agonia-mates for help, counsel, and perspective. Inother words, she must tattle on him; and, in addition, she must learn to tattle on herself.

Next week, each of you listed above must report on what has happened - with the wife discussing(1) how well she's doing "spotting his techniques" and (2) how well she's doing overcoming heraversion to tattling; and the husband discussing how well he's handling the exposure and inevitableloss of control.

SPECIAL NOTE TO THE PERSON SHE TATTLES TO

You should make sure that your response conforms to the principles we laid out back in Chapter 5- listed under the heading "Modifying the Meaning of 'Tattling' in Light of the ForgivenessPrinciples."

1. Listen sympathetically to her; however, try not to intervene directly - try not to take sidesin the actual dispute. What she needs is your perspective and encouragement. Yourultimate objective should be kept sharply focused: exhort her to rigorously apply theForgiveness Principles - and follow through to completion. Don't let her appease orplacate her husband.

3. Direct intervention is still permissible in cases ofa. violence or threats of violence; andb. addiction - including, but not limited to, drugs, alcohol, pornography,

prostitution, homosexuality, gambling, etc.

III. If it's the third scenario, what changes must you effect in your behavior and attitudes?

AnswerYou must come to grips with the need on your part to engage in conflict; you need to practiceputting aside your fear of conflict. We have discussed the importance of this step already - severallessons ago. It's time now to begin applying what you've learned. Step out in faith. Enlist the helpof your Agonia-mates in prayer. Discuss with them your anxieties. Remember, you're not aloneanymore. You're surrounded by good people who won't let you down. Begin discussing with yourspouse issues that are likely to engender conflict. Practice doing it - again with no effort beingmade to resolve any of them. Read the answer to the first scenario - and apply the very sameprinciples delineated there.



1. _________________________________________________

2. _________________________________________________

3. _________________________________________________

4. _________________________________________________

5. _________________________________________________

Practice discussing controversial topics this next week:

This next week each of you listed above must select several controversial issues and practiceactually discussing them - again with no thought of reaching a resolution. Be prepared to reportthis next week on how well you did.

It's important to overcome your fear of conflict. Remember thelesson you learned several weeks ago. Conflict shows you wherethe "parts don't fit." If you'll let it, conflict can point the way to amore intimate, more fulfilling, more romantic relationship.

HOMEWORK

1. If you fit under rubric #1 complete the homework you were assigned; if you fit under rubric #2complete yours; etc.

2. Please read Chapter 10 - "Confession and Grace."


STUDENT NOTES


Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday


Day #1

Day #2

Day #3

Day #4

Day #5

Day #6

Day #7

FORGIVENESS©

CHAPTER 11CONFESSION AND GRACE


WEEK OF_____________________


Week




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Totals

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your Spouse

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's



Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

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Your SpouseYour's

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Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpousePositive

Responses

OverturesAttempted

PostiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

Your's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your Spouse

TotalPositives

TotalAttempted

Ratio

TotalYes or No


Day #7

Day #6

Day #5

Day #4

Day #3

Day #2

Day #1


DUNG PILE OFFENSES AND THE NEED FOR EXPOSURE

Keep pressing yourselves to resolve your "dung pile" offenses. But don't kid yourselves here: it's a taskthat's bound to prove very distressing for many of you. Why? Because we're asking you to grapple withoffenses some of which are likely to be heinous in nature - not the everyday garden variety of sin, butadultery, wife-abuse, child-abuse, pornography, homosexuality, drug addiction, alcoholism, compulsivegambling, extortion, etc. The exposure is likely to strike at the very core of whatever self-image you'vegarnered for yourselves.

Some of you will resist exposure - either asserting that it's not necessary or that it's simply too unbearable orthat you've already dealt with it. It's the job of your instructors to break down that resistance! The way willnot be cleared for spiritual restoration and genuine intimacy unless the offense is finally resolved - and itcan't be resolved by simply wishing it away. It must be resolved biblically - and biblical resolution requiresexposure. The exposure, of course, shouldn't be indiscriminate; but it must be real and concrete - and itsextent shouldn't be controlled by the offending spouse.

Whenever a Christian resists exposure, it's a pretty good indication that he's blinded himself to grace - thatthe principle of grace no longer governs his life. Can that actually occur? Absolutely! The New Testamentwarns us repeatedly to guard our hearts against that possibility. Galatians 3:1-3 is a case in point...

Galatians 3:1 O foolish Galatians, who hath bewitched you, that yeshould not obey the truth, before whose eyes JesusChrist hath been evidently set forth, crucified amongyou?

Galatians 3:2 This only would I learn of you, Received ye theSpirit by the works of the law, or by the hearing offaith?

Galatians 3:3 Are ye so foolish? having begun in the Spirit, are yenow made perfect by the flesh?

Salvation is first revealed to us...

1. when we consciously give up attempting to work out our own righteousness;2. when we acknowledge that we stand helplessly condemned before God's holy law - that our guilt is

undeniable - that we can't expunge it on our own; and3. when we confess that our only hope of salvation is God's grace - his wholly unmerited favor.

CONFESSION AND GRACE


It's such a simple beginning. And if we would keep it that simple, our spiritual growth would be guaranteed.But, tragically, we don't. And it's because we so quickly lose sight of God's grace. And when we do, werevert back to self-justification. But it's an exacerbated self-justification. Why? Because our conscienceshave been re-awakened and we're now much more attuned to the demands of God's holiness. Everywherewe turn, righteousness is set before us. Tension begins to build - sometimes to the point that a "double life"begins to evolve. It's a scenario that's played out more frequently than any of us might care to admit.

ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON'S "DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE"

In 1886, Robert Louis Stevenson published his classic thriller Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. In the first sixmonths alone, over forty thousand copies were sold. Queen Victoria herself spent days locked away in herbedroom reading it; and for the next several years it seized the imagination of millions. It not only became atopic of countless book reviews and magazine articles, but, surprisingly, it also became the theme ofthousands of sermons - both in England and in America. Whole congregations made the book almostrequired reading.

The novel's hero is Dr. Jekyll, a rich, well-intentioned physician. His years of scientific research haveculminated in the development of an intoxicating potion - which, when he drinks it, transforms him into ahideous monster, Mr. Hyde. Dr. Jekyll is at first fascinated with his discovery; but his metamorphosesbecome ever more frequent and long-lasting. He tries desperately to stop drinking the potion, but itsaddictive power is overwhelming - and soon Mr. Hyde becomes the dominant "persona."

What's not well known is that the novel is actually based on a recurring nightmare that terrified Stevenson inhis youth. He wrote it in an attempt to break its hold on his own mind and heart - and purge it forever fromhis psyche.

What is it that Christians - specifically Christians - find so intriguing about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? It'sthat it strikes such a responsive chord in all of us! It's so true - though not often to the extent portrayed inStevenson's novel. We lose sight of God's grace and mercy; and instead of confessing our sins - not just toGod, but to fellow believers - we conceal and rationalize them - certain that no one will be able tosympathize with our plight and provide genuine help - certain that they'll condemn us - certain that we'll loseour hard-won status among our friends and within the congregation as a whole. Slowly, inexorably, twopersonas begin to emerge - and Stevenson's scenario starts to play itself out:

1. one persona is carefully cultivated and promoted. It's clean and pure, the very embodiment ofmoral integrity; and

2. the other persona is kept a secret and hidden away. It's repulsive, sordid, and out of control.


Joe

Good Joe

Bad JoeHis public persona is"Good Joe," who is thevery embodiment ofChristian virtue. What'sso fascinating here ishow little "Good Joe"identifies with "BadJoe." It's almost as if"Bad Joe" is anotherperson altogether.

His secret persona is "Bad Joe,"who becomes the repository ofall the evil passions and lustshe's unable to control. It'salmost as if "Bad Joe" is a kindof dumping ground.

Joe, under mounting pressureto live righteously and havinglost sight of God's grace, beginsto cultivate two personas.

The two personas are always mutually exclusive - meaning that the distinguishing features whichcharacterize one are always absent from the other; so the more I try to "clean up the one," the moredisgusting and perverse the other becomes. Evil is not eradicated; it's merely transferred. And it's allbecause...

1. I've lost sight of God's grace - and

2. I've misconstrued the purpose of the law.

And here's the "kicker": it's because I've misconstrued the purpose of the law that I've lost sight of God'sgrace.


THE PARABLE OF THE GOOD SAMARITAN

The Parable of the Good Samaritan shows us how misconstruing the purpose of the law causes us to losesight of God's grace. It also sheds light on the importance of confessing heinous sins - not just to God, butto fellow believers1. Hopefully, it will encourage you to grapple honestly with your "dung pile" offenses.Let's begin with Luke 10:25.

Luke 10:25a And, behold, a certain lawyer (no doubt he’s aPharisee) stood up, and tempted him...

The word here in Greek that’s translated “tempted” is “ekpeirazôn,” which is derived from the Greek word“peirazo” - meaning “to test or to prove - usually one’s character - but also one’s qualifications orcredentials;” it’s not the Greek word “deleazo” which means to “entice.” What the lawyer is doing, inother words, is testing Jesus’ standing as a rabbi - he’s checking out his credentials. And to do that heengages Jesus in a classic “battle of the wits” - which was common among rabbis - and which helped todetermine their respective rankings. There’s no need on our part to assume that the lawyer is motivated byanger or malice; he’s simply saying to Jesus, “So you’re a rabbi - and you claim the authority to interpretthe Torah - the Law of Moses; well, then, let’s see how good you actually are.”

Here’s how the lawyer begins the debate - the battle of wits: he asks a simple question...

Luke 10:25b ...What shall I do to inherit eternal life?

And what does Jesus do? He does what any good rabbi - past or present - would do; he replies with aquestion of his own.

Luke 10:26 ...What is written in the law? how readest thou?

There’s a well-worn story about an inquisitive gentile who asked an orthodox New York rabbi, “Why do yourabbis always reply to a question with a question of your own?” The rabbi paused for a minute - and thenanswered, “Why shouldn’t we?”

The question Jesus poses turns the lawyer back to the law of Moses - which, of course, is what the debate isall about. But Jesus phrases his question in such a way that the lawyer, who himself is no doubt a rabbi,can’t reply with a further question of his own. The question Jesus asks obligates the lawyer to give astraightforward answer. And why’s that? It’s because the answer is so obvious. There’s no possibility ofbuilding a question around it. There can be only one answer. It’s partially drawn from the “Shema” - whichis what every religious Jew recites to himself daily - but also from Leviticus 19:18.

FOOTNOTE

1. James 5:16 clearly and unmistakably admonishes us to confess our faults one to another.

Jas. 5:16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that yemay be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous manavaileth much.

The word "fault" is the Greek word "hamartia" - and is actually better translated "sin." The word "fault" is far too weak to clearly expressthe meaning of "harmatia." All too often we kid ourselves into thinking that confessing our sins to God alone is sufficient. But frequently,that's not "real" enough. Let's face it: sometimes our so-called confessions to God amount to little more than salve on a troubled conscience.How real and concrete our confession to God is can be pretty much gauged by how real and concrete we've made the same confession tofellow believers.


Luke 10:27 And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thyGod with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, andwith all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thyneighbour as thyself.

1. “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thystrength, and with all thy mind” quotes Deuteronomy 6:5; and

2. “Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself” quotes Leviticus 19:18.

So Jesus gets the answer that he wants. It’s the exact answer that Jesus himself was obligated to give when,in Matthew 22:36-39, the same question was posed to him - by still another lawyer.

Matthew 22:36 Master, which is the great commandment in the law?Matthew 22:37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy

God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, andwith all thy mind.

Matthew 22:38 This is the first and great commandment.Matthew 22:39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy

neighbour as thyself.Matthew 22:40 On these two commandments hang all the law and

the prophets.

It doesn’t matter who asks this question; nor does it matter to whom it’s asked; the answer is alwaysobligatory. So, of course, it never changes.

1. In Luke 10:26, Jesus does the asking and a lawyer does the answering; and

2. in Matthew 22:36, a lawyer does the asking; and Jesus does the answering;

...but the answer is always the same. The Law of Moses requires a single, straightforward answer - drawnfrom Deuteronomy 6:5 and Leviticus 19:18. So what follows in the next verse, verse 28, is fully expected.It’s not that Jesus is surprised by the majesty and nobility of the lawyer’s answer - that somehow, inanswering Jesus’ question, the lawyer is displaying remarkable maturity and insight. Not at all! Jesusexpects it; and so he, in turn, replies...

Luke 10:28 ...Thou hast answered right: do this, and thou shaltlive.

Deuteronomy 6:5 and Leviticus 19:18 - when linked together - sum up the law and the prophets - all that Godrequires of his people. It enjoins the kind of behavior that qualifies a person to live in God’s presence - or,what amounts to the same thing - it’s what qualifies a person to inherit eternal life. So Jesus has forced thelawyer to answer his own question: "What shall I do to inherit eternal life?"

Let's look more closely now at the relationship between Deuteronomy 6:5 and Leviticus 19:18. The firstcommandment, Deuteronomy 6:5, is proven in keeping the second commandment, Leviticus 19:18. Anyonecan say, “I love God.” However, the proof that you love God is found in loving your neighbor.Consequently, Leviticus 19:18 becomes, in one sense, the paramount commandment. It’s not that it’s moreimportant than Deuteronomy 6:5; it’s that living out Leviticus 19:18 proves that you’re actually living outDeuteronomy 6:5.


That’s why Jesus says in Matthew 7:12...

Matthew 7:12 Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that menshould do to you, do ye even so to them: for this isthe law and the prophets.

Here Jesus is merely quoting Leviticus 19:18 - but, in doing so, he’s assuming that those to whom he’sspeaking know that it both presumes and proves Deuteronomy 6:5. You say you love God? All right, then,prove it in loving your neighbor. Because if you don’t love your neighbor, you don’t love God - and if youdon’t love God, you can’t abide in his presence - which means that you won’t inherit eternal life.

Once again, all this was “standard fare” at the time Jesus lived. Rabbi Hillel, a contemporary of Jesus, putit this way:

What is hateful to you, that do not to another. Thisis the whole Law; the rest is only its explanation.

Rabbi Akiba, also a contemporary of Jesus, taught the very same principle - that the whole law is honored inkeeping Leviticus 19:18 - because in living out Leviticus 19:18 you’re proving that you’re living outDeuteronomy�6:5.

John the Apostle draws upon the same principle...

1 John 4:20 If a man says, I love God, and hateth his brother,he’s a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whomhe hath seen, how can he love God whom he hathnot seen?

John is simply making the same point that both Rabbi Hillel and Rabbi Akiba had made some forty or fiftyyears earlier - and that Jesus himself had made so frequently in his own teaching: that...

1. if you claim to be living out Deuteronomy 6:5 - which enjoins you to love God - but

2. you’re not living out Leviticus 19:18 - which enjoins you to love your neighbor-

...you’re a liar. It's that simple!

There’s nothing new about 1 John 4:20. It’s not some innovative New Testament insight. It’s the same ageold principle that’s at the heart of the Torah - the Law of Moses. Let’s move on now to verse 29; but, indoing so, let’s remember what’s ultimately at issue here: it’s eternal life - how do we secure eternal life forourselves? The answer that Jesus has elicited is Deuteronomy 6:5 joined to Leviticus 19:18. If we love Godwith all our heart - with every fiber of our being - we will inherit eternal life. And how do we prove our loveof God? We prove it in loving our neighbor. That’s the litmus test - loving our neighbor.

That issue is now settled; the next issue is obvious: “Who is my neighbor?” And, of course, that’s exactlythe issue raised by the lawyer in verse 29. Knowing who my neighbor is becomes of the utmost importance.Eternal life apparently hangs on knowing the right answer.

Luke 10:29 But he, willing (or wanting) to justify himself, saidunto Jesus, And who is my neighbour?

The word “justify” here is the Greek word “dikaioo.” And it means to “establish one’s righteousness. Thelawyer is looking for an answer from Jesus that will prove him righteous - and, therefore, worthy of eternallife. Furthermore, he’s no doubt well aware of how narrowly construed the definition of one’s neighbor has


become. And wouldn’t you expect that to be the case? If the Torah hinges the whole proof of loving God onloving my neighbor, wouldn’t you expect me to try to so narrowly define who my neighbor is that thecommandment to love him is made as easy as possible? Doesn’t that make sense? And that’s exactly whatthe Jews had done over the centuries to Leviticus 19:18. The standard answer to the question “Who is myneighbor?” had, by the time of Jesus, been narrowed down to “my relatives and my good friends.” And thelawyer is, no doubt, hoping that Jesus will give the standard answer - because, if he does, the lawyer can feelhimself “justified” - “worthy of eternal life.” Surely, he’s that good.

And there’s no reason to doubt that Jesus will give the standard answer. Why? Because it’s in the bestinterests of everyone to make Leviticus 19:18 as easy as possible to keep. Isn’t that right? Isn’t that humannature? Aren’t we forever abridging God’s moral standards so that we can justify ourselves - so that we canprove ourselves “righteous”? The more we can reduce God’s standards, the easier we make it on ourselves.Or so we think.

But that’s fundamentally wrong. And its "wrongness" is not just that we’ve reduced God’s standard - and, inso doing, established a false benchmark. That’s not the primary danger? Can you guess what the primarydanger is? Well, if you can't, you're in good company. It took the disciples a long time to figure out thedanger of wrongfully using the law - it was so much a part of their Jewish DNA - their Talmudic mind-set;and, really, it wasn’t finally perceived and clarified until, at long last, the Apostle Paul, through the HolySpirit, put his finger on it. Turn with me to Romans 3:20.

Rom. 3:20 Therefore by the deeds of the law there shall no fleshbe justified in his (i.e., God’s) sight: for by the law isthe knowledge of sin.

None of us can ever make the law a basis for justifying ourselves. Why? Because we’re too defective!We're too deficient! We're too flawed! All the law can do, therefore, is underscore our sinfulness - ourinability to be righteous. The law enables us to see our sin - just how desperate our sinfulness really is.

Now, let's examine Galatians 2:16...

Gal. 2:16 Knowing that a man is not justified by the works ofthe law, but by the faith of Jesus Christ, even wewho have believed in Jesus Christ, that we might bejustified by the faith of Christ, and not by the worksof the law: for by the works of the law shall no fleshbe justified.

Here in Galatians 2:16, Paul is telling us that it’s faith that justifies us - faith in God's grace. The law isuseless. Faith alone justifies us before God.

And now, finally, let's examine Galatians 3:24.

Gal. 3:24 Wherefore the law was our schoolmaster to bring usunto Christ, that we might be justified by faith.

The law was not given to help me establish my righteousness, but to establish my unrighteousness - toshow me conclusively just how guilty I am and how utterly hopeless it is for me to try justifying myself.And, in establishing my unrighteousness and the hopelessness of any attempt on my part to justify myself,the law was meant to force me to look for another option - to point me toward grace - to enable me to seegrace - and to appropriate that grace through faith.


In other words, if I stand any chance at all of “inheriting eternal life,” it will be only because God gives it tome free and clear - with no strings attached. I can’t hope to earn eternal life; I can only hope that God, in hiskindness and mercy, will simply give it to me. That’s the lesson the law was designed to impart - not just tothe Jew, but to all of us.

Here now is the all important point: whenever any of us recoils at what the law establishes - oursinfulness - we're kept from perceiving grace.

Do you find it hard to confess your sins - the dung pile offenses that have so terribly damaged yourmarriage? Not just to God, but to fellow believers? If so, it's not simply because you find it soembarrassing; it's because you're still trying to hold on to some shred of self-righteousness. But, in doingso, you're thwarting what God intends - he wants to point you toward his grace. And grace, after all, isyour only hope for victory.

Confessing our sins may indeed be embarrassing, but it's what existentially turns us toward grace. Let's notkid ourselves here! It's the concrete act of confession - the act itself - that opens our eyes to grace; and themore concrete I make my confession, the more I'm enabled to perceive and appropriate grace. And,correspondingly, the more I attenuate my confession - the more I abridge it - the more I hold back - theless I'm enabled to see grace and the less adequately I'm enabled to appropriate it.

Once again, grace is our only hope for victory.

1. Grace was our only hope when we first called upon God;2. it's our only hope for today; and3. and it's our only hope for tomorrow.

We never outgrow our need for grace. It's the very air we breathe - and confession is what opens eyes to itand enables us to appropriate it.

Let's move on now to the actual parable itself - verses 30 - 37. What Jesus is trying to do in teaching the“Parable of the Good Samaritan” is recover the purpose of the law - and, in so doing, heal the lawyer’sblindness and expose the terrible danger he’s put himself in. He wants to show the lawyer two truths:

1. that he has reduced the standard Leviticus 19:18 teaches; and2 that he's a hopeless sinner whose only chance to secure eternal life is the grace of God appropriated

through faith.

Here now is the actual parable.

Luke 10:30 ...A certain man went down from Jerusalem toJericho, and fell among thieves, who stripped him ofhis raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leavinghim half dead.

Luke 10:31 And by chance there came down a certain priest thatway: and when he saw him, he passed by on theother side.

Luke 10:32 And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place,came and looked on him, and passed by on the otherside.

Luke 10:33 But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, camewhere he was: and when he saw him, he hadcompassion on him,


Luke 10:34 And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouringin oil and wine, and set him on his own beast, andbrought him to an inn, and took care of him.

Luke 10:35 And on the morrow when he departed, he took outtwo pence (actually two denari - enough for a 24 daystay), and gave them to the host, and said unto him,Take care of him; and whatsoever thou spendestmore, when I come again, I will repay thee.

Luke 10:36 Which now of these three, thinkest thou, wasneighbour unto him that fell among the thieves?

Luke 10:37 And he said, He that shewed mercy on him. Thensaid Jesus unto him, Go, and do thou likewise.

Look closely now at verses 36 and 37. Here’s what Jesus is saying: “I know what you want. You want thestandard answer; but I’m not going to give it to you; instead, I’m going to give you a definition you can’tpossibly imagine - a standard so impossible that you can’t hope to attain it. A neighbor is not simply arelative or a close friend; he’s anyone who’s in need of your help - anyone at all."

Jesus is putting the shoe on the other foot: he's not telling the lawyer how to identify his neighbor; instead,he's telling him to be a neighbor - and the essence of being a neighbor is...

1. to be concerned about the plight of others -

2. to make yourself available to their needs -

3. to be always prepared for any inconvenience and cost.

That, Jesus declares, is the meaning of Leviticus 19:18. That’s what will prove you love God.

Now, let's ask ourselves the question, "Why has Jesus made a Samaritan the hero of this parable?" It'sbecause he wants to indict the religious leaders of Israel - represented in the parable by the priest and thelevite. He wants to expose the failure of their teaching ministry - that they've misinterpreted the purpose ofthe law - and, in teaching that misinterpretation, they've closed the door that leads to God's grace. That's thetruth he's been steadily hammering away at for the last two years. The religious leadership won't permit thelaw to do its work; they refuse to acknowledge the truth it reveals - that they and everyone else standcondemned before God - with no hope of absolving their guilt - that their only hope is the mercy andcompassion of God.

If the law isn't allowed to do the work God intended, if instead we kid ourselves into thinking that we can useit to justify ourselves before him and our fellowman, then, inevitably, it turns back on us and hardens ourheart. It makes us pitiless and cruel - unable to sympathize with others - unable to minister to their needs.We become judgmental, joyless blameshifters. And that's why both the priest and the levite walked on pastthe beaten, half-dead wretch lying in the road. And the indictment is all the more heart-wrenching given thepurpose of the priesthood and the entire levitical order. God designed the priesthood and the levitical orderto minister compassion.

Hebrews 5:1 For every high priest taken from among men isordained for men in things pertaining to God, that hemay offer both gifts and sacrifices for sins:

Hebrews 5:2 Who can have compassion on the ignorant, and onthem that are out of the way; for that he himself alsois compassed with infirmity.


What a terrible tragedy! Here we have a priest and a levite - both of whom are God's intended agents ofcompassion - walking on by a man desperately in need of their help. And who finally stops and helps? ASamaritan! And outcast! A pariah! What a powerful indictment!

With all this in mind, are you still unable to confess your sins? Are you still...1. trying to hold back on the details of your offenses, or2. trying to restrict who knows?

You say it's merely that you're embarrassed? You say that it's not necessary? Well, let me tell you again:1. I'm sure that it is painful and embarrassing;2. and I can also agree that not every "Tom, Dick, and Harry" needs to know; however3. I don't think that's the real reason. It's far more likely that you're still trying to hold on to some

stinking, moldy scrap of self-righteousness. Isn't that what tempts all of us? Isn't that the trap allof us so easily slip into?

And if that's the case, you're courting disaster. Because you're blinding yourself to the only real hope you'vegot - and that's God's grace. And not only so, but in the process you're also hardening your heart - andbecoming ever more nasty and evil-tempered. And no one who harbors a mean streak can build a happy,love-filled marriage.

And, finally, let's not forget what self-justification so often leads to: a double life - the Dr. Jekyll and Mr.Hyde scenario. If you're not able to lay hold of God's grace - because you insist on attenuating yourconfessions - almost inevitably two personas begin to emerge. Are you leading a double life? If so, how areyou going to break its bondage if you're closing yourself off to God's grace?

Confession blocks the dynamic that produces two personas. It not only opens the door to God's grace, itlights up a person's whole life - and makes it impossible to harbor a secret self. The folly here is that sooften the wife - either consciously or unconsciously - contrives with her husband to keep his sins secret; orthe husband - either consciously or unconsciously - contrives with his wife to keep her sins secret. Andwhy? Does it do any good? Has it ever done any good? Whatever the reason, the result is always the same:

1. you're both blinded to God's grace;2. you both begin to suffer a hardening of heart;3. you both become disgruntled, joyless, blameshifters;4. the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde scenario begins inevitably to play itself out;5. and the misery of an unhappy marriage continues unabated - often getting worse with every

passing year.

Let's end it!No more intimidation!No more absurd appeals for pity!No more pathetic ploys!No more self-righteousness!No more half-baked, attenuated confessions!Go for broke!Break all the bondages!Let the light shine!Let the chips fall where they may!God bless us all - damn the torpedoes - full steam ahead!!


HOMEWORK

Start to process your current offenses using the "Forgiveness Rules" and employing the "ForgivenessForms." There's no need for you to continue using the "Squabble Rules." The "Squabble Rules" have nowbeen superseded.


STUDENT NOTES


Thursday

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Day #1

Day #2

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Day #7

FORGIVENESS©

CHAPTER 12PROCESSING CURRENT OFFENSES


WEEK OF_____________________


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Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your Spouse

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's



Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpousePositive

Responses

OverturesAttempted

PostiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

Your's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your Spouse

TotalPositives

TotalAttempted

Ratio

TotalYes or No


Day #7

Day #6

Day #5

Day #4

Day #3

Day #2

Day #1


REVIEW THE TWENTY SIX POINT SUMMARY SHEET

Spend some time this evening reviewing the Summary Sheet once again. You have been processing offensesfor several weeks now - and it's time to make sure that you thoroughly understand the entire procedure. Taketurns reading over the twenty six rules - one rule at a time. After each rule is read, ask your instructors forwhatever clarification you feel is necessary. Make sure that you thoroughly understand all of the rules.

Summary Sheet for Processing Offenses

1. If your spouse has offended you, first make sure that you’ve given up all thought of vengeance - thatyou’re free from all vindictiveness; otherwise, you’re in a state of sin yourself - and you should neverattempt to “rebuke” your spouse while you yourself are in a state of sin. God will not honor yourrebuke. It will only serve to further alienate you from your spouse. Scripture, however, does notrequire that you postpone your rebuke until your anger has completely dissipated; anger is notvengeance. Anger can lead to vengeance; nevertheless, there’s a very real distinction between the two.But, be careful here! You can very easily fool yourself.

2. You are not permitted to prolong the process of composing yourself - of releasing your wrath to God.You must engage your faith and act quickly to “put off” all thoughts of vengeance. Scripture strikes anote of urgency here: the offense must be resolved as quickly as possible. There’s no justifiable excusefor protracting it.

3. Go to your spouse privately and rebuke him/her. Try never to rebuke your spouse in the presence ofothers. Keep in mind the definition of the biblical term “rebuke.” It does not mean to rail; it means to

a. prove your case;b. describe it thoroughly;c. explain carefully why it’s an offense - and what, specifically, it “stole” from you.

Remember, the dynamic underlying all sin is “theft.” What, then, has your spouse’s offense stolenfrom you? If you’re unable to describe your spouse’s offense in terms of a theft, it may not be anoffense in any genuine biblical sense. It may be simply a disagreement; and a disagreement is not anoffense in and of itself.

4. Do not wait long for your spouse to assume the initiative - to acknowledge his/her offense and seekyour forgiveness. That’s not a biblically condoned attitude. Scripture never leaves you in a state ofcontingency - waiting for your spouse to act. If he/she fails to assume the initiative, you must take thefirst step. And if you don’t, you put yourself in a state of sin. Once again, you are required to actquickly - to resolve the offense just as soon as possible. It should not be long and drawn out.

5. Don’t expect your spouse to be able to articulate his/her offense. He/she may not even be aware thathe/she has offended you. His/her ignorance, in and of itself, is not an offense. It should not be “heldagainst” him/her. You bear the responsibility of describing the offense. Don’t make it his/herresponsibility.

PROCESSING CURRENT OFFENSES


6. Do not attempt to “slough off” your spouse’s offense - especially, if you find it “eating away at you.”Inevitably, it will fester below the surface of your consciousness - eventually generating a defilingbitterness. Remember, bitterness always defiles. First, it will defile you - and, then, ultimately, it willdefile your spouse and your children as well - extending its reach even to your closest and dearestfriends.

7. “Stewing” is sinful. If you find yourself stewing, do not blame it on your spouse. It’s not his/her sin;it’s yours. Don’t stew!

a. Go to your spouse;b. confront him/her directly with his/her offense; andc. rebuke him/her - keeping in mind what the word “rebuke” actually means.

8. Your rebuke must stay focused on a specific, well defined offense - a single incident, not a series ofincidents. You must not allow it to extend to his/her personality or even to a character trait imbeddedin his/her personality. Do not go “cosmic.” If you extend your rebuke beyond a single, specificoffense, you put yourself in a state of sin.

9. Your perception of an offense cannot be based upon "second guessing" or "reading between the lines."The offense should stand on its own - stripped of any subjective assessment on your part. If a specificgesture or comment is subject to a variety of interpretations and its meaning is not immediatelyapparent, you may respectfully ask your spouse about it. If your spouse denies malice, you arerequired to take him/her at his/her word1. You must rid yourself of the habit of playing amateurpsychologist. To do so puts you in a state of sin. Troubled individuals are forever interpreting thebehavior of others through an "interpretational grid" built out of their own fears and lusts. That gridmust be utterly dismantled.

10. No “word of knowledge” or “prophetic word” of any kind can be brought to bear. Neither plays anyrole whatsoever in processing an offense with your spouse. All offenses must be processed on a purelyobjective plane.

11. Your rebuke must be redemptive in nature. It should never assume the form of “railing.” Ultimately,you should design your rebuke to effect reconciliation, not further alienation.

12. If your rebuke prompts your spouse to repent, you must forgive him/her - and that means terminatingyour estrangement from him/her - in concrete, tangible ways. You should be able to specify exactlywhat you’ve been withholding from him/her in terms of a broken relationship - and restore exactly thatto him/her. If you don’t restore him/her to a state of intimacy - in a concrete, tangible form - you putyourself in a state of sin.

13. If you doubt your spouse’s repentance, you’re permitted to exact restitution. Restitution serves to provethe sincerity of your spouse’s repentance, not some subjective assessment on your part. Again, neithera word of knowledge nor a prophetic word of any kind can be brought to bear. Neither can be used inproving the sincerity of his/her repentance. Restitution alone serves this purpose. Moreover, restitutionshould never be confused with retribution. The restitution should be commensurate with the offense; itshould restore what your spouse’s offense stole from you - adding 20% to its value. Anything more isretribution.

1 Exodus 22:10-11 is emphatic: a believer's word is decisive whenever a witness cannot be found to corroborate a suspectedtheft, fraud, or some other malfeasance. If the person suspected of theft or fraud denies that he's guilty, his word settles thematter.

Exodus 22:10 If a man deliver unto his neighbour an ass, or an ox, or a sheep, or any beast, to keep; and it die, orbe hurt, or driven away, no man seeing it:

Exodus 22:11 Then shall an oath of the Lord be between them both, that he hath not put his hand unto hisneighbour's goods; and the owner of it shall accept thereof, and he shall not make it good.

FOOTNOTES

.


14. Restitution should always be used whenever you doubt the sincerity of your spouse’s repentance.Don’t allow yourself to think - nor allow your spouse to persuade you - that if you don’t exactrestitution you’re thereby behaving spiritually. That’s simply not true. If you doubt your spouse’srepentance and yet fail to exact restitution, you’ll inevitably find that you’ve made it difficult to “closethe offense” and restore your spouse to intimacy. You’re doing both yourself and your spouse a gravedisservice.

15. If you forgive your spouse without exacting restitution, you can't later change your mind and seek toexact it. Your forgiveness must stand without it - however difficult that might be. "A card laid is acard played."

16. Except in the most egregious of cases1, forgiveness and restoration to fellowship should not be madecontingent upon actually completing whatever restitution has been agreed to. All that's required is theagreement itself and, correspondingly, a good faith effort to follow through. If it's determined that agood faith effort is not being undertaken, that should be considered an additional offense - and handledaccordingly.

17. If your spouse acknowledges his/her offense but feels that the restitution you’re demanding is notcommensurate with the offense he/she has committed, you must permit him/her to seek the judgment ofthe Agonia. Furthermore, you’re not permitted to hold against him/her either the fact that he/shedisagrees with the restitution you’re demanding or the fact that he/she wants it submitted to the Agoniafor its evaluation. The judgment of the Agonia must stand2.

18. If your spouse, after listening attentively and respectfully to your rebuke - with no interruptions -wishes to respond to your rebuke, you’re obliged to listen. You must be prepared to engage yourspouse in a dialogue; but the dialogue should not be long and drawn out. Furthermore, your spouse isnot permitted to harangue you or raise any additional issues. He/she is obliged to maintain a gentle,nonthreatening, respectful attitude. The offense alone should constitute the focus of the dialogue.

19. Resist the temptation to placate and appease your spouse. The sin must be resolved and the offenseclosed. God is not pleased when a sin is overlooked for the purpose of appeasing or placating yourspouse. You inevitably leave him/her in a state of sin and fail in your responsibility to shepherd him/her back to God.

20. Your spouse is not permitted to question your motives in bringing the rebuke. He/she is not allowed toplay the role of “amateur psychologist.” If the offense is real, that alone is sufficient.

21. If your spouse fails to acknowledge his/her sin or fails to listen attentively and respectfully to yourrebuke, you’re not permitted to drop the issue. You must not allow yourself to be bullied by him/her.To do so puts you in a state of sin. You’re obliged to invoke the principles outlined in Matthew 18: calltwo or three others as witnesses to your rebuke - drawn from the Agonia. If they were witnesses to theoffense itself, they can testify to its authenticity; otherwise their judgment is restricted to two issues:

a. Is your spouse giving you a fair hearing?b. Are the "rules" being honored and rigorously applied?

The judgment of the witnesses must stand3.

FOOTNOTES

1 e.g., adultery, violence, etc2 The authority of the Agonia, however, is not absolute in the sense that the authority of the students supersedes the authority of

the instructional staff. If the instructional staff spots a mistake, it reserves the right to correct that mistake and explain why it'sbeing corrected. That's obviously part of the entire teaching process that's taking place.

3 In Chapter Two of this section, I pointed out that the witnesses are required to restrict themselves to only one issue, not two:whether or not a fair hearing is being provided. Here, I've apparently broadened the scope to two issues. But actually thesecond issue is merely an elaboration of the first. I've included it here only to further define the meaning of "fairness" and toindicate clearly that the rules we've been enumerating are part of that definition.


22. The witnesses are not to play the role of intermediaries; they are not to insert themselves into the actualconfrontation; they must keep themselves from passing judgment on any of the substantive issues beingdiscussed. Their role is strictly limited: once again: (1) whether or not a fair hearing is being providedand (2) whether or not the rules are being rigorously applied. Remember, direct, personalconfrontation is necessary if the reconciliation that emerges is to be truly personal in nature. And, atthis stage, that's still what we're seeking. Personal reconciliation requires personal confrontation - andintermediaries tend to subvert this kind of an outcome.

23. If the witnesses determine that your spouse has given you a fair hearing but that an impasse hasnevertheless been reached, they may refer the matter to the Agonia as a whole. The judgment of theAgonia must stand1. Here, the Agonia is passing judgment on substantive issues.

24. The Agonia will determine whether or not an actual offense has occurred; it may also help to determinean appropriate restitution - should restitution be required. Here again, the Agonia is passing judgmenton substantive issues. The judgment of the Agonia must stand1.

25. Once the offense is closed, intimacy must be restored in a concrete, tangible form. Otherwise, a stateof sin exists.

26. If, after the offense has been “closed,” you find that you don’t want to restore your spouse to a state ofgenuine intimacy - that, instead, your anger remains and you want to continue your alienation fromhim/her, you’re obliged to assume that your spouse is not responsible for the residual anger you'refeeling; that, as a matter of fact, its source lies elsewhere; that it may indeed be free-floating. You mustask God to help you identify that source. Don’t permit your spouse or anyone else to play “amateurpsychologist.” Enter into fellowship with God alone - in the secret chambers of your own heart. In themeantime, you can’t hold your spouse in a state of alienation - regardless of how you feel. To do soputs you in a state of sin.

CURRENT OFFENSES

This evening you'll be taught how to process a "current offense." The problem you'll be encountering hereagain and again is the inconvenience of actually writing up a current offense - and moving to process itexpeditiously. It's a time consuming process. And in the heat of conflict, it seems to just "get in the way."

It's hard to take time out - and, with hurt feelings and seething rancor, pick up a pen, fetch a form and "writeout an offense." But that's exactly what you're being required to do. Your instructors have been told to notlet you off the hook. You must develop the habit of being formal - almost bureaucratic - in processingcurrent offenses. If you slip in this regard, you'll find that you gravitate back to your old habits - which,inevitably, entails resorting to destructive coping devices.

Writing up a current offense must be done correctly. Remember, writing up offenses...

1. enables you to keep track of the steps being taken to bring an offense to a formal close;2. enables you to keep an offense well defined - thereby preventing it from becoming nebulous and

phantomlike; and3. enables you to develop a written record testifying to its closure once it's resolved - such that it can

not longer be used to justify alienation.

FOOTNOTES

1 The authority of the Agonia, however, is not absolute in the sense that the authority of the students supersedes the authority ofthe instructional staff. If the instructional staff spots a mistake, it reserves the right to correct that mistake and explain why it'sbeing corrected. That's obviously part of the entire teaching process that's taking place.


Let me stress the importance of not procrastinating. The Bible clearly indicates that bringing an offense toclosure is an urgent matter - that it shouldn't be drawn out. You must work hard to process all currentoffenses quickly. It's alright to take a little time to process a dung-pile offense - though even here the timetaken should not be excessive. But a current offense should not require much more than a week; two at themost. Two weeks at this early stage is permissible; but three and four weeks is excessive. Our eventual goalto get you down to no more than 72 hours.

HOMEWORK

1. For next week, Pleae read Chapter Twelve - Permanent Alienation - Free Floating Anger."

2. Work hard at becoming familiar with the Summary Sheet, the forms, how to write up a form, etc.It's not easy to "get the hang" of writing up offenses.


STUDENT NOTES


Thursday

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Day #1

Day #2

Day #3

Day #4

Day #5

Day #6

Day #7

FORGIVENESS©

CHAPTER 13PERMANENT ALIENATION • FREE FLOATING ANGER


WEEK OF_____________________


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Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your Spouse

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's



Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your Spouse

Your's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpouseYour's

Your SpousePositive

Responses

OverturesAttempted

PostiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

Your's

Your Spouse

Your's

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TotalPositives

TotalAttempted

Ratio

TotalYes or No


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Day #6

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Day #1


ONCE AN OFFENSE IS CLOSED RECONCILIATION IS REQUIRED

Remember, it's a sin to alienate your spouse except for cause - and there's only one cause that's justifiable - aspecific, well defined offense. You're not permitted to hold your spouse at arms length because of apersonality trait you find especially disturbing or obnoxious. We've stressed this principle again and again.Your spouse may indeed nurse a character flaw you dislike; nevertheless, until it surfaces in the form of aspecific offense, it does not excuse estrangement.

FREE FLOATING ANGER

But what if you find that your anger doesn't dissipate even after an offense has been formally closed? Whatif the anger continues to seethe?

It may be "free floating anger." Anyone who harbors free-floating anger doesn't simply get angry; he isangry. Anger has become a part of the warp and weft of his life. It has imbedded itself into every nook andcranny of his personality - and all that's required to "set it off" is a trigger - frequently little more than a pettydisagreement, a perceived slight, a foible which, in and of itself, is hardly worth noticing. The "trigger" is, ofcourse, cast in the guise of an actual offense; but the ensuing anger is not rooted there; its origins lie in thedark recesses of a temperament defiled by bitterness.

Back in Chapter Four of "Getting Started," we distinguished between three Greek words1 used in the newTestament to describe anger: "thumoi," "orgé," and "ekthrai." We pointed out that "thumoi" usuallydescribes anger that arises from a specific offense; however, "orgé" and "ekthrai" denote anger that arisesfrom a frame of mind - a profound, rather permanently settled disposition. That's free-floating anger.

EARLY CHILDHOOD BETRAYAL

Free-floating anger is often the result of an early childhood trauma. The trauma is not ordinarily the result ofa onetime episode, but of on-going "betrayal" - extending sometimes over many years. Frequently, thetrauma is inflicted by an authority figure - often, but not always, a parent - more often the father than themother. Sometimes an older sibling! The child becomes angry, but can't vent his anger; and so hesuppresses it - driving it underground - where it festers - eventually turning into bitterness.

TRIGGER OR ACTUAL OFFENSE?

You need to examine yourself carefully: "The anger that continues to grip me - why can't I let go of it -especially if its actual origin is an offense that's been resolved - resolved to the point that even I

FOOTNOTE1 Remember, these three Greek words were not chosen arbitrarily; we didn't just thumb our way through a Greek dictionary and select a few

synonyms for "anger." They were drawn from two passages of scripture: Galatians 5:19-21 and Colossians 3:5-8. Both passages enumeratevices that constitute "works of the flesh."

PERMANENT ALIENATION • FREE FLOATING ANGER


acknowledge its closure? If it was actually rooted in an offense, why doesn't it abate? Could it be that I'm abomb - and that the offense was little more than a spark that lit my fuse?"

Back in Chapter Six of this section, your instructors explained the "Post Offense Closure Form" to you;however, you were not encouraged at that time to utilize it. Beginning tonight, however, you should look itover carefully - and, if pertinent, start to make use of it.

EXTRACTING THE POISON

Some of you may be grappling with offenses that occurred years ago - offenses that have never beenresolved; persons you haven't forgiven; wrath you haven't surrendered to God. Only you can make thatdetermination. We are not encouraging a "witch hunt" here. We do not want to plant any suggestions inyour minds and hearts. That can be very damaging. However, if you do indeed acknowledge a wrathfuldisposition - and know its origins, you should begin taking steps to eradicate it - using the very principlesyou learned back in Chapters One and Two. Don't take any shortcuts. Don't slough it off. Your spiritualhealth is at stake here. You must confront the person who offended you - whoever he is and however longago the offense occurred.

There's no guarantee, of course, that past offenses will be acknowledged and reconciliation actually effected;nevertheless, you'll be the better for it. Vengeance belongs to the Lord - and whenever we harbor it in ourheart, it perverts and twists us - and anyone else whose life we touch. Only God is immune to the pervertingimpact of wrath; he alone can bend it to his will - and genuinely dominate it; he alone is not twisted by itsfierce dynamic. Vengeance is a divine prerogative; and we dare not arrogate it.

FORGOING VENGEANCE

Remember, Scripture does not require reconciliation in the absence of genuine repentance. The Body ofChrist is replete with well-meaning but misinformed pastors who insist that forgiveness requiresreconciliation; that forgiveness is not complete until reconciliation is effected. Surely, we should alwayshope that forgiveness leads to reconciliation; but if it doesn't, its purposes are not all subverted. That kind ofthinking is fundamentally wrong - and we've explained why back in Chapters One and Two.

Be certain that you don't make the mistake of seeking reconciliation with anyone who's not repentant -including parents. Remember, extracting the poison of bitterness is not predicated on reconciliation - onlyon surrendering vengeance to God; and if that alone is achieved, spiritual health can be restored. Obviously,however, if repentance is prompted, genuine reconciliation must be sought - though it's important to bear inmind that outside the "marriage bond," restoration to "fellowship" in the case of an especially heinous andegregious sin might - at least initially - amount to little more than a willingness to be "hospitable" - awillingness to acknowledge Christian brotherhood.1

HOW TO "PUT OFF" WRATH

Ultimately, wrath is rooted in the "old human nature" from which Christ has graciously delivered us. Let'stake a look at Ephesians 4:22-26. Here we have a passage of scripture that clearly spells out how exactlywe're to grapple with wrath - orgé. And it will do us well to examine this passage before we close tonight'sdiscussion of "free-floating anger."

1. Remember, the "Agonia" is designed to address sin within the marriage bond, not sin outside the marriage bond; and that the level ofintimacy (or "koinonia") that marriage anticipates is far different from what's expected from any other relationship.

FOOTNOTE


...put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which iscorrupt according to the deceitful lusts;

And be renewed in the spirit of your mind;...put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness

and true holiness.Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his

neighbour: for we are members one of another.Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath

(orgé):Ephesians 4:22-26

PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY IS CRITICAL

In verse 22, the verb "put off" is the Greek word "apothesthai" - and can also be translated "cast off." It's inthe Greek middle voice - which is meant to indicate that the subject is acting upon himself. He's not beingacted upon by someone else. In short, the responsibility for putting off is his alone. No one can act in hisbehalf. Likewise, in verse 24, the verb "put on" is the Greek word "enduo" - and it too is in the middle voice- indicating that the subject is acting upon himself - and that no one is acting in his behalf. The stress here ison personal responsibility! That's a fundamental imperative! Grab hold of this truth and don't let go!

The word "conversation" is more accurately translated "behavior" or "conduct." It's the Greek word"anastrophe." Verse 22 tells us that our past behavior, with all its sinful inclinations, is part and parcel of airredeemably corrupt human nature. Verse 24, on the other hand, tells us that righteousness and holiness arepart and parcel of a radically new human nature - created by God and imparted to us in Christ. Therefore,

1. it's not a matter of "turning over a new leaf;"2. nor is it a matter of restoring what is hopelessly corrupt; instead,3. it's a matter of stepping out of one human nature and stepping into another.

Our behavior, Paul tells us, is governed by our human nature; nature dictates behavior. A corrupted natureinevitably produces sinful behavior; a holy nature inevitably produces righteous behavior. It's as simple asthat.

Luke 6:43 For a good tree bringeth not forth corrupt fruit;neither doth a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.

Matt. 12:33 Either make the tree good, and his fruit good; or elsemake the tree corrupt, and his fruit corrupt: for thetree is known by his fruit.

God isn't asking the impossible of us; he's done all the hard work: he's created a sanctified humanity; given itto us freely; and asks only that we make use of it. For me to act righteously - defined in terms of the fruit ofthe Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control - is simplya matter of drawing upon the human nature God imparted to me in Christ. It's simply a matter of living inthat nature. If I abide there - and draw my life from it - I'll behave accordingly. No principle could be morein keeping with the hope proclaimed in Old Testament prophecy.

Deut. 30:6 And Jehovah thy God will circumcise thy heart, andthe heart of thy seed, to love Jehovah thy God withall thy heart, and with all thy soul, that thou mayestlive.


Ezek. 36:26 A new heart also will I give you, and a new spiritwill I put within you: and I will take away the stonyheart out of your flesh , and I will give you an heartof flesh (i.e., a soft, pliable, responsive heart).

Ezek. 36:27 And I will put my spirit within you, and cause you towalk in my statutes, and ye shall keep my judgments,and do them.

Jer. 31:33 But this shall be the covenant that I will make withthe house of Israel; After those days, saith the Lord,I will put my law in their inward parts, and write itin their hearts; and will be their God, and they shallbe my people.

"Put off" and "put on." These two verbs are the key. Both are put in the form of a command - just do it.Why? Because it's now possible. The grace to do it has already been conferred. God would never ask us todo the impossible. He's asking us to do only what he's fully enabled us to do. Don't rely on your emotionalinclinations to drive you forward; rely instead on faith. Your emotions have been perverted. And only faithcan redeem them. Walk in faith; resist the tug of your emotional proclivities - and eventually your emotionswill be freed to beautify your life instead of ruin it. We'll be discussing more about faith in future lessons.

Putting off and putting on are part of one continuous act. You must begin by renouncing what you know iswrong, wrath, and finish up by doing what you know is right - being kind, gentle, patient, etc.Transformation does not consist in simply renouncing what you know is wrong - and stopping yourself fromdoing it. That's not sufficient. Putting on finalizes putting off. It closes the door and completes the process.Do you feel wrathful? If so, then, in one continuous act, "put off" your wrath and "put on" instead kindnessand goodness. That will translate you from the old to the new - from one nature to the other; and once theregrace will flow. "Put off" - "put on"! One step, not two separate and distinct steps.

FREE FLOATING ANGER CAN ASSUME OTHER GUISES

For some of you, it's not so much anger that you "feel;" it's that you often find yourself overwhelmed with1. long, unrelenting bouts of depression;2. waves of nostalgia and melancholia;3. profound sadness;4. vague feelings of guilt and remorse - often unrelated to any specific incident;5. boredom and ennui - a sense of emptiness;6. a sense of being unconnected;7. fear and angst; etc.

But the underlying dynamic is precisely the same: unresolved offenses - a sense of having been betrayed.And the "way out" is the same as well: refuse to "give in" to it; walk by faith; refuse to be taken captive. Putoff the old - and, in its place, put on the new. We'll be spending much more time in future lessons discussingthe importance of faith - and how to use faith to break free from emotional bondages.

REMEMBER THE IMPORTANCE OF EXHORTATION

Remember, faith and exhortation go hand in hand. Faith is aborted whenever your intellect begins torationalize rather than reason.


Exhortation breaks the "spell" that a temptation casts over you. It enables your intellect to stay riveted on thetruth. Therefore, it's especially important to remind yourselves to continue exhorting one another. Keep"breaking into each other's space." Keep from lapsing back into your "privacy bubble."

Press yourself hard on these points. Be relentless with one another.

HOMEWORK

There's no homework this week.


STUDENT NOTES


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FORGIVENESS©

CHAPTER 14RESOLVING ALL OFFENSES - THE 72 HOUR RULE


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Your Spouse

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Your SpousePositive

Responses

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PositiveResponses

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PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

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PositiveResponses

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PositiveResponses

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Spouse'sGrade

Agonia'sGrade

Placaters are usually cast in the role of “victim” - and, in a very real sense, that’s anaccurate depiction - because they’re so easily “pushed around” and “controlled.” They“walk on egg shells” to preserve the peace. They won’t confront! But the peace theypurchase produces a profound bitterness - and dooms any possibility of intimacy.What we want to do is help the placaters - usually the wife, but sometimes the husband- to start holding their ground and “engaging” their spouses. And, toward that end,we’ll be periodically monitoring the progress they’re making in overcoming theirfears. There will be three grades that are assigned: (1) the placaters will givethemselves a grade; (2) their respective spouses will give them a grade; and, finally,the Agonia, as a whole, will grade their progress. The grades will be letter grades: A,B, C, D, and F. This will be a group effort. Let’s work hard at it!

THE PERIODIC PLACATERS REPORT



REVIEWING THE "PROTOCOL" FOR DISCUSSINGOBNOXIOUS CHARACTER TRAITS

Protocol for Discussing Obnoxious Character Traits

1. If there are any unresolved offenses between the two of you, you cannot discuss the character traitsthat have occasioned those offenses. You must first resolve the offenses; and only then can youdiscuss the character traits that occasion those offenses.

2. You must ask your spouse’s permission to discuss a specific character trait.3. You cannot pursue it as an offense - simply a point of discussion.4. Your spouse always reserves the right to break off the discussion at any point without giving any

reason whatsoever. And you must graciously back off.

THE 72 HOUR RULE

At this point you need to begin pressing yourselves to take less time resolving current offenses - tosignificantly quicken your pace. Your instructors will no longer "wink at" procrastination. They'll begin afull-court press to end it - starting tonight.

SCRIPTURE ENCOURAGES A QUICK RESPONSE

Matthew 5:23-24 and Luke 17:3 strike a note urgency - that both parties need to act quickly andexpeditiously to resolve any offense that's prompted alienation.

Ephesians 4:26 points out that wrath (orgé) should not be harbored for too long.

Eph. 4:26 Be ye angry ("orgizesthe" derived from "orgé"), andsin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath("parorgismôi" derived from "orgé")...

That's the first step in resolving an offense - renouncing your claim to vengeance; acknowledging thatvengeance is God's prerogative - and should never be arrogated by any of us.

Rom. 12:19 Avenge not yourselves, beloved, but give place untothe wrath of God: for it is written, Vengeancebelongeth unto me; I will recompense, saith theLord.

Anytime we hold onto anger, it turns into a "witch's brew" - and it poisons us. We need to act quickly to ridourselves of it. Don't let it fester. The Scriptures sound a note of warning: "Don't let the sun go down onyour wrath...." If you've taken more than a day or two to compose yourself and surrender your wrath to God,you can be pretty sure that you're already being polluted. The poison has already begun to run its course.You may not yet "feel" it; but it's at work. Don't procrastinate!

RESOLVING ALL OFFENSES - THE 72 HOUR RULE


If you manage to control your wrath and give it up, you'll find that your mind and heart undergo a profoundchange: you'll want to confront your spouse quickly and redemptively. If you don't act quickly to resolve anoffense with your spouse - if, instead, you find excuses to put it off - it's a pretty good indication that youhaven't surrendered your wrath to God; that you're still harboring thoughts of vengeance. How can you becertain that you aren't still toying with wrath? The proof is found in how long it takes to begin resolvingthe offense redemptively.

You should know how to write up offenses; the step by step procedure should be almost second nature to youby now; therefore, it's highly unlikely that any delay in resolving an offense is because you aren't skilled andpracticed. It's more likely that you're giving into anger. Push yourselves hard to shorten the time it takes toresolve any current offense - from beginning to end - including restitution should it be required. No moretwo and three weeks! Not even one week! Seventy two hours - three days - that's the maximum. Pressyourselves relentlessly. Be tough.

HOMEWORK

The homework for next week, reading all of Chapter 14, introduces an important modification that's veryimportant for husbands. Make sure that you read it over very carefully - especially you husbands. Whetheror not you'll be qualified to rule and reign with Christ hinges on how well you both understand next week'slesson and how well you put it into practice.


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FORGIVENESS©

CHAPTER 15HUSBAND'S GLORIFY YOUR WIVES

YOU BEAR MORE RESPONSIBILITY THAN SHE DOES


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Your Spouse

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Your SpousePositive

Responses

OverturesAttempted

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OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

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PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

PositiveResponses

OverturesAttempted

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INTRODUCING AN IMPORTANT MODIFICATION:

It has been important for us - up until now - to stress the need on the part of both of you - husband and wife -to assume equal responsibility for digging your marriage out of the pit into which it has fallen. And that'sbecause the Forgiveness Principles - in and of themselves - make no distinction between husband and wife:both spouses are put on an equal footing - with neither one bearing more responsibility than the other. Andthat's to be expected - since the Forgiveness Principles were - quite obviously - never meant to be restrictedto married couples only.

However, within the context of the marriage bond, Scripture makes it quite clear that the husband is requiredto bear a disproportionate share of the responsibility. It's not a simple 50/50 proposition. Why? Because it'sthe husband, not the wife, whom God has cloaked with his authority. Husbands are called upon to glorifytheir wives - to "walk the second mile" - to "go further." The following article is meant to highlight thistruth. Read it carefully and thoughtfully. We'll be revisiting it in about six months from a differentperspective; but it's introduced now to press husbands to engage themselves more strenuously - though it'snot meant to encourage wives to "throttle back" on their efforts.

Keep pressing hard, wives!However, husbands, press yourselves even harder!

HUSBAND'S GLORIFY YOUR WIVESYOU BEAR MORE RESPONSIBILITY THAN SHE DOES


Let's turn in our Bibles to Luke 4:5 - the second temptationJesus confronted in Luke's Temptation Account.

Luke 4:5 And the devil, taking him up into an highmountain, showed unto him all the kingdomsof the world in a moment of time.

Luke 4:6 And the devil said unto him, All this power(i.e., not power, δυναµις, but εξουσιαν,authority ) all this authority will I give thee,and the glory of them: for that is deliveredunto me; and to whomsoever I will, I give it.

Luke 4:7 If thou therefore wilt worship me, all shall bethine.

Luke 4:8 And Jesus answered and said unto him, Getthee behind me, Satan: for it is written, Thoushalt worship the Lord thy God, and himonly shalt thou serve.

There’s so much meaning packed into these verses. And somuch of it revolves around the issue of authority. That’s thefundamental issue here: authority. “Is it authority you want,Jesus? Here, take it. It’s all yours. I’ll give it to you.”

So many of us lust after authority, but not so much for thepurpose it’s meant to effect, but for the control it affords. Andthat’s what at issue here.

Jesus knew that God the Father had already promised him theMessianic Kingdom. He’s already been promised all earthlyauthority.

Let me read to you first from Psalms...

Ps. 2:6 Yet have I set my king (the messiah) uponmy holy hill of Zion.

Ps. 2:7 I will declare the decree: the Lord hath saidunto me, Thou art my Son; this day have Ibegotten thee.

Ps. 2:8 Ask of me, and I shall give thee the heathenfor thine inheritance, and the uttermost partsof the earth for thy possession.

Now, from the Book of Daniel

Dan. 7:13 I saw in the night visions, and, behold, onelike the Son of Man came with the clouds ofheaven, and came to the Ancient of Days,and they brought him near before him.

Dan. 7:14 And there was given him dominion, andglory, and a kingdom, that all people,nations, and languages, should serve him:his dominion is an everlasting dominion,which shall not pass away, and his kingdomthat which shall not be destroyed.

Christ had already been promised all earthly authority - apromise made by his Father. But, here’s the devil promising

the very same authority - or at least apparently so.

Let me ask you this: what, then, lies at the heart of the devil’stemptation here? Some scholars insist that it’s a shortcut - thatby taking possession of all earthly authority now Christ wouldavoid the agony of the crucifixion later. The temptation,therefore, is to shortcut the crucifixion. And certainly that’spart of the temptation. But is it all? I don’t think so.

It’s certainly not at the heart of any temptation that besets youand me. And, in that sense, it’s not prototypical. What thencould possibly make this second temptation prototypical foryou and me - such that we find evidence of it in the temptationsthat beset us?

The answer lies in asking yourself

1. why is authority conferred - what’s its purpose?

and, correlatively,

2. what does authority bestow in order to secure that purpose?

The answer to these two questions will shed light on thissecond temptation - what made this temptation so pressing forChrist - and not just for him, but for you and me as well in oureveryday life?

First, turn with me to Psalm 82. And there we’ll find thepurpose underlying all authority.

Ps. 82:1 God takes His stand in His own congrega-tion; He judges in the midst of the rulers.

Ps. 82:2 How long will you judge unjustly, And showpartiality to the wicked?

Ps. 82:3 Vindicate the weak and fatherless; Do justiceto the afflicted and destitute.

Ps. 82:4 Rescue the weak and needy; Deliver themout of the hand of the wicked.

Ps. 82:5 They do not know nor do they understand;They walk about in darkness; All thefoundations of the earth are shaken.

Ps. 82:6 I said, You are gods, And all of you are sonsof the Most High.

Ps. 82:7 Nevertheless you will die like men, And falllike any one of the princes.

Ps. 82:8 Arise, O God, judge the earth! For it is Thouwho dost possess all the nations.

In this psalm, the curtain which enshrouds the hidden realm ofeternity is pulled back - and we catch a glimpse of God callinginto account the authority wielded by the evil angelic beingswho have rebelled against him, but who still govern the earth.What’s in mind here is the very same truth revealed inEphesians 6:12 - where, again, the same curtain is momentarilypulled aside - revealing, just as in Psalm 82, what lies behindall the authority governing the kingdoms of this earth.

HUSBANDS, GLORIFY YOUR WIVESYOU BEAR MORE RESPONSIBILITY THAN SHE DOES

BY PASTOR DOUGLAS SHEARER


Eph. 6:12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood,but against principalities, against powers,against the rulers of the darkness of thisworld, against spiritual wickedness in highplaces.

The phrase “rulers of the darkness of this world” is not quiteaccurate. It should be translated “world rulers of thisdarkness” - with the phrase “world-rulers” a translation of asingle Greek word: kosmokratoras - κοσµοκρατορας. And insecular Greek, that word “kosmokratoras” is always used inreference to Zeus, or Hermes, or any of the other gods whopurportedly ruled the nations in the heavenly spheres.

We know that there is only one God, not a pantheon of gods;but frequently in the Old Testament, the word “gods” refers toangelic beings - in this case, fallen angelic beings under thedominion of Satan.

The earth is at present under the dominion of fallen angelicbeings - who have rebelled against God. And in Psalm 82,God is calling them to account - and he pleads with them inverses two, three, and four to rule correctly - according to themoral purpose underlying their authority.

The purpose of authority, we’re told in this passage ofscripture, is

1. to render justice - without partiality;2. to vindicate the weak and fatherless3. to intercede in behalf of the afflicted and destitute.4. to rescue the weak and needy - and deliver them out of the

hand of the wicked.

And that’s the purpose underlying all authority. In verses 5 -8, God abandons his plea, and gives the kosmokrators over tojudgment.

Ps. 82:5 They do not know nor do they understand;They walk about in darkness; All thefoundations of the earth are shaken.

Ps. 82:6 I said, You are gods, And all of you are sonsof the Most High.

Ps. 82:7 Nevertheless you will die like men, And falllike any one of the princes.

Ps. 82:8 Arise, O God, judge the earth! For it is Thouwho dost possess all the nations.

In other words, authority should be always guided by a moralpurpose - specifically, it’s meant to protect and defend theweak. That’s the purpose of authority - to protect and defendthe weak.

But the problem with authority is this: in order to effect itspurpose, power is conferred. Authority and power go hand inhand.

Power compels obedience. Power stands ready to break thewill of others - and force their compliance. And why is itbrought to bear? To break the bondage of the wicked in orderto release the weak and needy - verse four. Power is nevergranted as an end in itself; it’s never granted merely as a meansof control. It’s only purpose is to protect the weak and theneedy.

The temptation which confronts everyone in authority is totake the power it confers and use it not to secure the moral

purpose it’s meant to effect, but, instead, to use it for self-gratification. Authority for the sake of power - for the sake ofwhat that power can secure for me.

So the temptation here in Luke 4:6 is this: “Jesus, I know whyyou want all authority - it’s for the sake of the power it confers.Here, take it. It’s yours. Your Father will give it to you only forthe sake of its moral purpose - and to effect that moral purpose,the cross is inevitable; but, here, I’ll give it to you with nostrings attached. Take it - it’s yours.”

If there’s even a shred of that desire in any of us - authority forthe sake of the power it confers - we’ll fall for the devil’s traphere. Authority, not the sake of effecting its moral purpose, butfor the sake of the control it affords me - and for the sake of theglory it bestows upon me!

Control and glory.

Oh, you say, you’ve never been given a significant position ofauthority. This is not the kind of temptation that buffets you onan everyday basis. Oh, really?

How many of you are married men? Please stand up. Let meget a good look at you. OK, you can sit down. Now, turn withme to Ephesians 5:22.

Eph. 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your ownhusbands, as unto the Lord.

Eph. 5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife, evenas Christ is the head of the church: and he isthe saviour of the body.

Eph. 5:24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ,so let the wives be to their own husbands inevery thing.

What’s at issue here in these verses is authority. And what I’mgoing to show you now is that this passage of Scripture takenfrom Ephesians is merely a restatement of the truth spelled outin Psalm 82.

Eph. 5:22 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as tothe Lord.

The word that’s translated “be subject” is “hupotassomenoi” -“υποτασσοµενοι”. And it’s actually a military term - meaningto array yourself in subjection. So, there’s no question here thatauthority is what’s at issue. Recently, there’s been an attempt tosoften the meaning of this verse; but there’s no way to do that.The meaning is clearly established here. There’s no other wayto translate the word “hupotassomenoi.”

Eph. 5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife, asChrist also is the head of the church, HeHimself being the Savior of the body.

Just as Christ is the head of the church, so is a husband the headof his wife; and, just as Christ is given authority over the churchas its head, so you, husband, have been given authority overyour wife, as her head.

But notice carefully, he’s the head only for the purpose ofbeing her savior - her deliverer.

Eph. 5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife, asChrist also is the head of the church, HeHimself being the Savior of the body.


And that’s exactly the truth spelled out in Psalm 82.

As the head of the church, Christ is called upon to save anddeliver her. That’s the purpose of his headship. And that’sexactly how it should be with you, husbands. As the head ofyour wife, you’re called upon to use your authority to saveand deliver her - not to lord it over her, but to save anddeliver her.

It’s not power for the sake of control - for the sake ofenabling you, as husband, to get your way; it’s power for thesake of effecting a specific moral purpose - the salvationand deliverance of your wife.

Eph. 5:24 But as the church is subject (here again isthe word “hupotassometai” -“υποτασσοµεται”) to Christ, so also thewives ought to be to their husbands ineverything.

Verse 24 merely restates verse 22 - emphasizing that therelationship between a husband and his wife is the same asbetween Christ and the church.

Now in the verses which follow, the moral purposeunderlying the husband’s authority is spelled out. He’s notbeen given authority over his wife so that he can get his way.That’s exactly the nature of the temptation the devil is layingout before Christ in Luke 4:6 - authority for the sake ofcontrol.

Eph. 5:25 Husbands, love your wives just as Christalso loved the church and gave Himself upfor her;

Verse 25 is put in the form of a command. There’s nooption here. Did you think that love is optional - that it’scontingent upon your feelings? It’s not; otherwise, it wouldnever be put in the form of a command. It’s the samecommand that God employs in Psalm 82. There he said,“Defend the poor, and the fatherless, the weak and thedowntrodden.” Here he says, "Husbands, love your wives."

Love her sacrificially - even to the point of death; and if youdo so love her, you will never use the power your authorityconveys to merely get your way. Never! There’s nopossibility that you’ll abuse your authority.

If you use the power your authority confers simply to getyour way, it’s abusive - and just as God did in Psalm 82, hewill first plead with you to correct yourself - and then, if hispleas fail, he will give you over to judgement.

In the verses which follow, Paul goes beyond Psalm 82 -lifting the purpose of authority beyond mere protection anddeliverance - to an even higher level: its purpose is toglorify. Not only are husbands to protect, defend, anddeliver their wives, in addition, they’re to build them up -bring them to full stature - glorify them.

Eph. 5:26 that He might sanctify her, havingcleansed her by the washing of water withthe word,

Eph. 5:27 that He might present to Himself thechurch in all her glory having no spot orwrinkle or any such thing; but that she

should be holy and blameless.Eph. 5:28 So husbands ought also to love their own

wives as their own bodies. He who loveshis own wife loves himself;

Eph. 5:29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, butnourishes (εκτρεφει - bring her to fullstature - help her become all that she’smeant to be) and cherishes (θαλπει -bestow great care upon - warm, lovingcare.) it, just as Christ also does thechurch...

Husbands, the only reason you’ve been granted authorityover your wife is to protect her - serve her - nourish her -bring forth her glory - cherish her. You have not been givenauthority over your wife so that you can get your way - sothat you can control her. That’s authority for the sake ofpower. That’s authority without moral purpose. And it’shorrifying and sinful in the sight of God - the pursuit ofauthority only for the sake of the control it affords.

Verse 27 is emphatic. The purpose underlying yourauthority, husbands, is to present your wife in glory.

I want every husband in this room to turn toward his wife -and look into her face. Is there glory in her face? Does sheradiate splendor? If not, why not? That’s your job! That’sthe only reason you’ve been given authority over her.

Authority is at the heart of the coming Messianic Kingdom.It’s what will establish the kingdom in the first place - andwhat will maintain it after it’s established. And the kingmust be completely and totally free of pursuing his kingshipmerely for the sake of the control it affords and the glory itbestows. That’s the basis of the Second Temptation. That’sthe test that Christ is being subjected to here in Luke 4:6:authority for the sake of the control and glory it affords.

And make no mistake about it, authority does convey bothpower and glory. And those in authority must always resistusing it on that basis alone - especially the ruler of thecoming Messianic Kingdom - the Messiah himself

1. How do you treat your wives, husbands?

2. How do you treat your sons and daughters?

3. How do you treat employees?

Those are relationships of authority! And each one isdelineated in the verses which extend from Ephesians 5:22through Ephesians 6:9. And it’s only following thosepassages of scripture that the whole issue of spiritual warfareis taken up. And, as I’m sure you can imagine, that’s nocoincidence - because authority - and your attitude towardauthority - is what lies at the heart of spiritual warfare.

Change your ways! Because if you don’t, you will never begiven any authority in the coming Messianic Kingdom.You’ll be asked to step aside. Adokimos. Greek fordisqualified - the very word used by Paul in 1 Corinthians9:27.

How do you treat your wife, your children, your employees -anyone over whom you’ve been given authority? That willdetermine your place in the coming kingdom.


1. Do you keep their best interests uppermost in your mindand heart?

2. Or do you cheat them and exploit them to get your ownway and to merely increase your profit on the bottomline?

3. Do you treat them as mere resource chips - to be usedwhen it suits your needs - and be cast aside when theylose their value to you?

Let me remind you: you were once worthless to God theFather. Your sin-scarred soul was without any valuewhatsoever. You were not only worthless, you were anoutright rebel - an enemy of God; yet, without shrinkingback from the cost, he redeemed your worthless soul - andhe has sent forth His Holy Spirit to love you - and nourishyou - and cherish you each and every day. He is sparing noeffort to present you to himself in glory. That’s how Christwields his authority. He does it in your behalf. How do youuse your authority?

2 Corinthians 13:10 tells us how Paul used his authority -and what's expected of all church leaders:

2 Cor. 13:10 For this cause I write these things whileabsent, that I may not when present dealsharply, according to the authority whichthe Lord gave me for building up, and notfor casting down.

Change your ways, husbands. Use whatever authority Godhas given you to build up your wife, to nourish her, tocherish her, and to glorify her.

And if you don’t, you give yourself over to the devil - not inthe sense of losing your salvation, but in the sense of playinginto his hands - and being used for his purposes. Becausethat’s how the devil uses his authority. Don’t you realizethat every time you abuse your authority, in a sense, you’reguilty of worshipping the devil - again, in the sense ofplaying into his hands and being used for his purposes.That’s the meaning of Luke 4:7

Luke 4:7 If thou therefore wilt worship me (i.e., thedevil)...

Authority for the mere sake of the control and glory itaffords is a kind of devil worship.

Let’s change our ways - so that we can qualify ourselves torule and reign with Christ in the coming Kingdom Age.Every day, we’re being watched by God to see how we’redoing. How we use the authority we’ve been granted todaydetermines whether or not we’ll be given authority to rulewith him tomorrow. So, husbands, take a good look at yourwives. Do they radiate glory? If not, change your ways.Because all your excuses will fall flat on that day.

HOMEWORK

Distribute the new manuals. Be sure to collect the money for them.

1. You must thoughtfully define the nature of a close relationship - its various dimensions andnuances. There's a form included on the next page entitled "Essay on the Nature of a CloseRelationship." Write out your assignment on that form and bring it to class this next week. Youshould spend some time on this assignment. It shouldn't be "thrown together" at the last moment.

2. Please read the first chapter of a new Agonia Manual your instructors should distribute to you thisevening: Chapter 1 - Relationships - What They Are and What They Entail." Read it over verycarefully in preparation for next week's class.

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ESSAY ON THE NATURE OF A CLOSE RELATIONSHIP

INSTRUCTIONSPlease write a brief essay on the nature of a close relationship. What goes into making it up? What underliesit? What are its preconditions? What holds it together? What are its most important features?


STUDENT NOTES

forgiveness - discipleshipproject.usthe biblical truths you're being taught won't take...

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