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QUEEN: Are you sure this is the finest magic mirror in all of Wychwood?

CRABTREE: (Holds instruction booklet.) Absolutely, Your Majesty. It’s from Ye Olde Magic Shoppe.

LOU: Well, if you ladies are satisfied, could someone sign here? (Holds out clipboard and pen.)

CRABTREE: Did you ship it the fastest way possible?LOU: Oh, yes. We shipped it by air, overnight.EVELYN: By air? But Ye Olde Magic Shoppe is only three miles away.LOU: Well, it was rather difficult. We had to truck it through the wild

woods, then fly it to the capital of the Wychwood Republic, and then truck it back. I drove right past Ye Olde Magic Shoppe on the way here, though.

CRABTREE: But why did you go all that way?LOU: Because the queen wanted it delivered the fastest way, and by

air is the fastest way.EVELYN: Very well, Lou. We are satisfied. (Signs the receipt.)LOU: Thank you, ladies. (EXITS DOWN LEFT.)CRABTREE: (Reads instruction booklet.) The directions say this

mirror gives you whatever you want.QUEEN: So I just ask it for beauty advice?CRABTREE: There’s one hitch. It says all requests must rhyme.QUEEN: Very well. Mirror, mirror, standing there, tell me how to be

more fair.MIRROR: (LIGHTS FLICKER and the MIRROR actor steps through the

frame.) First let’s talk about a skin care regimen. Do you exfoliate?CRABTREE: We’ve told her a thousand times.EVELYN: But why should she listen to us? We’re only Crabtree

and Evelyn.QUEEN: Will exfoliating make me the fairest in Wychwood?MIRROR: You didn’t ask me to make you the fairest in Wychwood.

You just asked me to make you more fair.QUEEN: Okay, mirror, mirror, if you’re so good, who’s the fairest in

Wychwood?MIRROR: Many in Wychwood are fair.EVELYN: But who’s the fairest?MIRROR: True beauty is found within. True beauty is the ability to

love others more than we love ourselves. By that measure you are the least fair in all of Wychwood, for you lack love.

dissolve in laughter as LIGHTS SHIFT DOWN LEFT to the queen’s boudoir, where the QUEEN stands before the MIRROR and CRABTREE and EVELYN stand nearby.)

QUEEN: (Shouts angrily.) Mirror, mirror, who is fairer? Mirror, mirror, who is fairer? Why isn’t it working?

CRABTREE: I don’t think that quite rhymes.EVELYN: Yeah, “mirror” and “fairer” is an assonance.QUEEN: How dare you speak to me in such language!EVELYN: An assonance is a forced rhyme, Your Majesty. Perhaps if

you changed the wording a bit.QUEEN: I’ll change the wording, all right. Tell me, mirror, before I

count to ten, has Snew White been slain with a ballpoint pen? One, two, three…

MIRROR: (LIGHTS FLICKER as the MIRROR steps forth.) You need to calm down, Your Majesty. Did you know that stress is the number one killer of evil queens?

QUEEN: Just answer the question.MIRROR: Snew White lives. In a cottage in the woods with an odd

assortment of dwarves.QUEEN: Give me the address. I’m going to send Snew White a little

present. (Laughs. LIGHTS SHIFT UP CENTER to the cottage. NOSEY, SNIPPY, STICKY and TWITCHY are ONSTAGE.)

LOU: (ENTERS UP RIGHT with an apple.) I got a delivery here for Snow White.

SNIPPY: That’s “Snew.”LOU: Of course it’s new, we make all our deliveries in a timely fashion.TWITCHY: No, the name is “Snew.”LOU: (Looks at label on apple.) Oh, so it is. (Puzzled.) Say, what’s

“Snew”?NOSEY: Her name! What’s with the apple? Did she join the fruit of

the month club?LOU: Search me. All I know is this came straight from the secret

laboratory at the castle in Wychwood-under-Ooze.STICKY: Well, Snew White isn’t here right now, but I’ll be glad to give

it to her. (Takes the apple.)SNIPPY/TWITCHY/NOSEY: Sticky!STICKY: Oops. I guess I shouldn’t have done that.LOU: Well, if you’re sure she’ll get it, I have a cantaloupe to deliver to

the governor. (EXITS UP RIGHT.)

COSTUMESCustomary fairy-tale apparel will be appropriate for most characters—evil queen costume with crown, puffy skirts for the ladies, upturned dwarf shoes and the like. SPIFFY wears a tuxedo. SLOPPY dresses like a slob. SNIPPY and NOSEY wear caps and tollbooth attendant uniforms. BRAD wears surfer garb. The MIRROR wears head-to-toe silver clothes and mirrored sunglasses. LOU wears a deliveryman uniform. SNEW WHITE’S gown is tattered. GERRY wears a conservative suit and a black and orange striped tie.

THE MIRRORThe mirror can be made by constructing a frame out of wood and decorating it with silver paint. Within the frame, hang strips of silver mylar, through which the MIRROR actor can emerge. It can be attached to the front of a platform or stand on a wooden brace.

20

By Charlie Lovett

© Copyright 2005, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

All rights to this play—including but not limited to amateur, professional, radio broadcast, television, motion picture, public reading and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given.

These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom.

ONE SCRIPT PER CAST MEMBER MUST BE PURCHASED FOR PRODUCTION RIGHTS.

COPYING OR DISTRIBUTING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK WITHOUT PERMISSION IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.

On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear:

1. The full name of the play2. The full name of the playwright3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with

Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Denver, Colorado”

RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

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SNEW WHITE

By Charlie Lovett

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Speaking)

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TWITCHY .................................. dwarf and air traffic controller 11SLOPPY .................................... dwarf who lounges at home 12

in dirty clothesSPIFFY ...................................... dwarf of considerable fashion 19

senseSTICKY ...................................... ditto 16SNIPPY ..................................... dwarf who works at a toll booth 14NOSEY ...................................... ditto 15BRAD......................................... surfer dwarf 20EVIL QUEEN ............................. ruler of Wychwood-under-Ooze 37CRABTREE ............................... servant to the queen 18EVELYN ..................................... ditto 18LOU THE UPS GUY (or GAL) ... delivery person 14MIRROR .................................... enchanted dispenser of advice 26GOVERNOR .............................. ruler of Wychwood 21DELUCA .................................... ditto 18DEAN......................................... lackey to the governor 14ROSE RED ................................ insurance adjuster 35SIGMUND FREUD .................... eminent psychiatrist 30SNEW WHITE ........................... scullery maid 25GERRY ...................................... insurance salesman 25

CRABTREE: She doesn’t care about love. She wants to know who’s fairest.

MIRROR: (To QUEEN.) I think you should consider psychological help. I can’t help you achieve inner beauty. That has to come from you. A mirror is only for external appearances.

QUEEN: Who is the fairest?!MIRROR: If I tell you, will you go to a counselor?QUEEN: Yes, yes. Just tell me.MIRROR: The fairest in Wychwood is Snew White, the scullery maid.QUEEN: Snew White? What kind of a name is that?MIRROR: She’s named after the famous Wychwood Snew.QUEEN: What’s Snew?MIRROR: Not much, what’s new with you?QUEEN: Are you a mirror or a comedian? Fine, while I work on my

inner beauty, Snew White will wander in the wild woods, exiled from Wychwood-under-Ooze. (Laughs. LIGHTS SHIFT to the governor’s office, DOWN RIGHT. The GOVERNOR stands behind a desk. Nearby are his lackeys, DEAN and DELUCA.)

GOVERNOR: Dean, Deluca, I want to get to the bottom of this Wychwood-under-Ooze problem before the festival.

DELUCA: (Holds out a scroll.) Absolutely, Governor, but first you need to sign this declaration making October Fettuccine Alfredo month.

GOVERNOR: I really prefer Fettuccine Carbonara.DEAN: Sorry, Governor, but the Alfredo lobby is huge. We need them

for the election.GOVERNOR: All right, give it to me. (Signs the declaration.)LOU: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT.) Good morning, Governor. I have a

scroll here from the queen of Wychwood-under-Ooze. (Hands the scroll to DELUCA.)

GOVERNOR: Let’s hear what she has to say.DELUCA: (Reads from the scroll.) “To the most excellent Governor of

the Republic of Wychwood.”GOVERNOR: Who’s that?DEAN: That’s you.GOVERNOR: Really? I didn’t know I was most excellent. Go on.DELUCA: (Reads.) “Greetings from the Evil Queen of Wychwood-

under-Ooze. I am in receipt of your letter demanding that I cede my authority over my queendom to the Republic of Wychwood, but I must tell you that Wychwood-under-Ooze has been an…” (To DEAN.) What’s this word?

ROSE RED: Snew White and I are looking for our family, and the magic mirror gave us three signs to help us find them.

DR. FREUD: Ah, a Cinderella complex. You have a psychological profile of your parents and you are trying it on every adult to see whose foot, so to speak, fits the slipper.

SPIFFY: Something like that.DR. FREUD: Why don’t we start with your mother. Tell me about her.SNIPPY: I don’t think there’s much chance that you’re her mother.ROSE RED: Dr. Freud, is your first name the name of a flower?DR. FREUD: My name is Sigmund. I’ve never heard of a Sigmund

flower.ROSE RED: And do you ever smell like the sea?DR. FREUD: I stay away from the sea whenever I can. It reminds me

of a childhood trauma on the coast of Austria.STICKY: But Austria doesn’t have a coast.DR. FREUD: That’s what was so traumatic about it.SPIFFY: Ask him about the tiger.ROSE RED: Yes, I don’t suppose that you bear the mark of a tiger.DR. FREUD: I don’t think so. I met a tiger at the Vienna Zoo once, but

he refused to tell me about his mother.ROSE RED: (Looks at notebook.) Well, one down, six thousand forty-

two to go. (LIGHTS SHIFT to GOVERNOR, DEAN and DELUCA DOWN RIGHT in the governor’s office.)

GOVERNOR: Well, boys, I have good news about the Wychwood situation.

DELUCA: What’s that, boss?GOVERNOR: The legislature went on recess without taking any action.DEAN: How long do they get for recess, like fifteen minutes?DELUCA: Do they get snack, too?DEAN: Listen, Governor, we have it on good authority that the queen

may be willing to give up her claim to Wychwood…DELUCA: …if she can find love.GOVERNOR: The queen. Find love? (Begins to laugh.) The queen

of Wychwood-under-Ooze. Find love? (DEAN and DELUCA are laughing now, too.) Oh, that is rich, boys. I really should pay you more.

DELUCA: (Does an impression of a minister.) Do you take this evil queen to be your wedded wife…

GOVERNOR: (Wipes away tears.) Well, our problem is solved now, boys. We just have to wait for the queen to find love. (They

PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIESONSTAGE:

QUEEN’S BOUDOIR: Full-length mirror (See note below)GOVERNOR’S OFFICE: Desk with pen and office supplies, office

chairDWARVES’ COTTAGE: Sofa, chairs, table, trash canDR. FREUD’S OFFICE: Chair (office chair or straight wood),

chaise (this can be made by covering a reclining lawn chair with pillow batting and fabric)

BROUGHT ON, Scene One:Feather duster (SPIFFY)Piece of paper (STICKY)

BROUGHT ON, Scene Two:Instruction booklet (CRABTREE)Clipboard, pen, scroll (LOU)Scrolls (DELUCA,)Small notebook, pen, prescription pad (FREUD)Briefcase, business card (GERRY)

BROUGHT ON, Scene Three:Handkerchiefs (DWARVES)Tabletop mirror (DEAN and DELUCA)Briefcase, pen (GERRY)

BROUGHT ON, Scene Four:Letter (FREUD)Notebook (ROSE RED)Apple with label (LOU)Bottle of Snapple (QUEEN)Papers in briefcase (GERRY)

BROUGHT ON, Scene Five:Chair or throne (CRABTREE, EVELYN)OPTIONAL: juggling balls or the like (DWARVES)Letter (LOU)

LIGHTINGFlickering lights, area lighting.

SOUND EFFECTSHowling wolves, sentimental violin music, mystical music, knocking, festive music.


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SNEW WHITE

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PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIESONSTAGE:












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SYNOPSIS OF SCENESTIME: Mixed-up fairy-tale time.PLACE: Various locations around the Republic of Wychwood.

SETTINGDOWN LEFT is the queen’s boudoir, with a full-length mirror frame. (See PRODUCTION NOTES.) DOWN RIGHT is the office of the governor of the Republic of Wychwood, with a desk and chair. UP CENTER is the cottage of the seven dwarves, with a sofa, chairs and a table. A trash can sits in a corner. The cottage may be a box set, or can simply be suggested with furniture and set dressing. EXTREME DOWN LEFT on the apron is Dr Freud’s office, indicated by a chair (a desk chair or a straight wood chair) and a chaise. The wild woods are played on the open stage, CENTER, as is the festival on the grounds of the palace of Wychwood-under-Ooze in the final scene.

See scenes and locations chart page iv.

DEAN: Let me have that. (Takes the scroll. Reads.) “…an autonomous principality since the beginning of time, or at least since I became queen in 1983. I wouldn’t give up my power to you for…” (Squints at scroll.) I can’t read this part.

LOU: Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. I dropped it in a puddle in the wild woods. I was trying to carry the governor’s magic mirror at the same time. (Leans over and looks at parchment.) Looks like it says “all of the tea in Wychwood.” But there is no tea in Wychwood.

GOVERNOR: My magic mirror came?DELUCA: Really, Governor, I think we should finish business first.GOVERNOR: So what do you propose we do?DELUCA: We could invade.DEAN: We could lay siege.LOU: You could write a protest song.GOVERNOR: Friends, this is a time for me to step forward with an

idea, to present a plan of action that’s beneficial for all people of the Republic of Wychwood.

DELUCA: What are you going to do?GOVERNOR: I’m going to think it over and get back to you later. (LIGHTS

SHIFT to Dr. Freud’s office, EXTREME DOWN LEFT. He sits in a chair with a small notebook and pen. On the chaise is ROSE RED.)

ROSE RED: I enjoy helping out the dwarves, Dr. Freud. Mowing the lawn, tilling the garden, getting Sticky down when he’s stuck in a tree…

DR. FREUD: Tell me about your mother.ROSE RED: What does my mother have to do with anything? I was

talking about Sticky.DR. FREUD: And why does Sticky make you think of your mother?ROSE RED: I wasn’t thinking of my mother, you were thinking of my

mother.DR. FREUD: I never knew your mother.ROSE RED: Neither did I.DR. FREUD: (Scribbles notes.) Ah, now we are getting somewhere.ROSE RED: It’s not that I don’t like the dwarves. I do. But they’re

friends and that’s not the same, you know.DR. FREUD: Not the same as what?ROSE RED: Not the same as a family.DR. FREUD: I think we’ve had a major breakthrough today, Rose

Red. This is excellent timing.

SPIFFY: Then come with us. We expect Snew White home any minute. (They EXIT RIGHT.)

SNEW WHITE: (ENTERS LEFT with ROSE RED.) You know, I’ve been thinking about those signs. Your name is Rose Red, so you’re named for the blossoming flower.

ROSE RED: That’s true.SNEW WHITE: And you’re always wearing Coppertone, so you’re

touched by the scent of the sea.ROSE RED: I never thought about that.SNEW WHITE: It’s too bad you’re not marked by the sign of the tiger.ROSE RED: I have a birthmark on my elbow shaped like a tiger’s paw.SNEW WHITE: You do? You fit all three signs! You must be my sister!

(Jumps up and down.)ROSE RED: And if I’m your sister, then you must be my sister! (They

embrace.) And that means we’re both looking for the same family. (They EXIT RIGHT, skipping hand in hand. BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Three

Scene FourLIGHTS UP: The cottage, UP CENTER, the next afternoon. TWITCHY, STICKY, SNIPPY and BRAD are ONSTAGE. ROSE RED sits on the sofa looking at a notebook.BRAD: Great news, dudes. Rose Red has found her sister.

(DWARVES applaud.)STICKY: (Hands stick together.) Hey, guys. It happened again.SNIPPY: As usual, Sticky has to be the center of attention.TWITCHY: Somebody help me out. (He and BRAD grab STICKY’S

arms and pull his hands apart.)STICKY: Thanks, fellas. (SOUND EFFECT: KNOCKING.)SNIPPY: I’ll get it. Since everyone else is so concerned about Sticky.

(Moves UP RIGHT and welcomes DR. FREUD.)DR. FREUD: (ENTERS, holding a letter.) Excuse me, but I’m looking

for my patient, Rose Red.ROSE RED: Good afternoon, Dr. Freud.DR. FREUD: Ah, good afternoon, Rose. You said in your letter to

come right away. Do you need to talk about your mother?ROSE RED: It’s not exactly my mother I wanted to talk about.DR. FREUD: But you wrote that you wanted to interview me with

regard to your parentage.

weakness, she made the trade. The witch dispersed the family across the Republic of Wychwood, all memory of each other forgotten. And now the queen must live without love forevermore.

QUEEN: Forevermore?MIRROR: There is but one chance at love. The spell is in effect until

she renounces her throne and returns to her family. (ROSE RED and GERRY go to SNEW WHITE and the QUEEN.)

QUEEN: (Looks at GERRY and shows recognition. Her cold demeanor dissolves.) Oh, Gerry, children, can you ever forgive me?

GERRY: (As if awakening from a dream.) Lily? My Lily? Is that you?SNEW WHITE/ROSE RED: Mom?QUEEN: I renounce my throne. Governor, Wychwood-under-Ooze is

yours.GOVERNOR: I knew things would turn out all right.ROSE RED: But the mirror said there was also a baby boy…GERRY: Yes, who is our son?BRAD: (ENTERS.) Dudes, you are missing some killer waves.TWITCHY: (As BRAD walks past him.) Boy, you smell like the

ocean.BRAD: No kidding. What do you think of this awesome shirt? Tiger

brand beachwear for only nineteen ninety-five.SNEW WHITE: Tiger brand? Say, what’s your whole name?BRAD: Bradford Pear. I was named for the blossoming flower.GERRY/QUEEN: Son?!BRAD: Parent dudes?QUEEN: Now that I have my family back, I feel so much love, I must

be the fairest lady in Wychwood.SNEW WHITE/ROSE RED: Oh, you are, Mom, you are! (The whole

FAMILY hugs.)LOU: (ENTERS with letter.) Hey, I got a letter here for the Wychwood

dwarves.SPIFFY: (Opens the letter.) Wow! It’s a check from that accountant.

She didn’t steal our money, she invested it in Wychwood fairy tale futures. Now we have enough money to give ourselves a little vacation!

BRAD: All right, dudes! Surf’s up! (The DWARVES cheer. BLACKOUT.)

END OF PLAY


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ROSE RED: What do you mean?DR. FREUD: We’re ten minutes into the play.ROSE RED: So?DR. FREUD: So, every play is about characters who want something.

The characters have to overcome obstacles to get what they want.ROSE RED: Are you a psychiatrist or a literature professor?DR. FREUD: By now we should know what most of the characters

want. You want a family.ROSE RED: Oh, I get it. The evil queen wants beauty.DR. FREUD: Right, and the governor wants Wychwood-under-Ooze.ROSE RED: What about Snew White and the dwarves?DR. FREUD: They may take a little more analysis. Now, I’m afraid

your time’s up.ROSE RED: Oh, all right. (Stands.) Good-bye, Dr. Freud. And give my

best to your mother. (EXITS DOWN LEFT.)DR. FREUD: (Angry.) Don’t ever mention my mother! (LIGHTS SHIFT

to the wild woods, CENTER.)SNEW WHITE: (ENTERS LEFT and wanders alone CENTER

STAGE.) I didn’t think life could get any worse than being scullery maid for the evil queen. (SOUND EFFECT: HOWLING WOLVES.) That is, until I was exiled to the wild woods.

GERRY: (ENTERS RIGHT. He is dressed in a suit and carries a briefcase.) Hello! I didn’t expect to find a beautiful young maiden wandering these woods. I hope I didn’t scare you.

SNEW WHITE: Scare me? I’m Snew White. I’m not going to be scared by a… a… what are you, anyway?

GERRY: (Offers his card.) I’m an insurance salesman. Gerry’s the name.

SNEW WHITE: Insurance, eh? Do you have any policies against evil queens?

GERRY: Actually, I have an excellent fairy tale policy that covers evil queens, wicked stepmothers, the works.

SNEW WHITE: Stepmothers don’t bother me, but I was exiled by an evil queen.

GERRY: Well, you’d best be careful out here. I’m on my way to write a personal property policy for a magic mirror. Otherwise, I’d stay and protect you.

SNEW WHITE: I can protect myself, thank you very much.GERRY: Very well. Enjoy the wild woods, Miss White. (EXITS LEFT

as SNEW WHITE EXITS RIGHT.)

GERRY: Slay a fair young maiden with a ballpoint pen? And I really thought I was going to make a sale today. (LIGHTS FADE and COME BACK UP to indicate a time lapse. It is late at night in the queen’s boudoir.)

ROSE RED: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT with SNEW WHITE. They go to MIRROR.) Mirror that we’re looking in, tell us of our kith and kin.

MIRROR: (LIGHTS FLICKER as MIRROR actor steps forth.) Kith and kin? Why didn’t you just say “family”?

ROSE RED: Do you know anything that rhymes with “family”?MIRROR: I see your point. Who wants to know about her family?SNEW WHITE/ROSE RED: We both do.MIRROR: Sorry, only one magical insight per visit.ROSE RED: (She and SNEW WHITE hesitate, turn to each other and

clasp hands. ROSE RED makes up her mind.) Then tell Snew White. She’s the title character. (They hug.)

MIRROR: Okay. Are you done, there, ladies? Do you mind? I’m trying to make a dramatic announcement here. (They stop hugging and turn to MIRROR. Looks around.) We need some atmosphere. Could I have some mystical music, please? (SOUND EFFECT: MYSTICAL MUSIC.) You will know the members of your family by three signs. First, they will be named for the blossoming flower. Second, they will be touched by the scent of the sea. And third, they will be marked by the sign of the tiger. (MUSIC FADES.)

SNEW WHITE: That’s it? Blossoming flower, scent of the sea and sign of the tiger?

MIRROR: Sorry, three signs is standard for fairy tales, you know. Now, you’d better get out of here fast. There are ballpoint pens all over this castle. (LIGHTS SHIFT CENTER to the wild woods. It is even later that night.)

GERRY: (ENTERS LEFT while SPIFFY ENTERS RIGHT.) Greetings, good dwarf, you’re looking spiffy this evening.

SPIFFY: Why, thank you, kind sir. And as for you, you look…SLOPPY: (ENTERS RIGHT.) He looks like an insurance salesman.SPIFFY: You’ll have to forgive my brother. His clothes aren’t the only

sloppy thing about him.GERRY: Not at all. Name’s Gerry. I’ve worked hard to cultivate the

look of an insurance salesman.SPIFFY: And what brings you to the wild woods?GERRY: I seek a fair maiden named Snew White. I come to warn

her that the queen wishes her dead and to offer her an accidental death and disability policy.

EVELYN: We sure are. You gentlemen may escort us if you wish.DELUCA: As long as you don’t mind stopping by the fruit tent. The

governor’s entering his cantaloupe in the competition.EVELYN: I heard that since Snew White has been cleaning the

dwarves’ scullery, they’re planning to start the festival with a tribute to her.

CRABTREE: The only problem is if Snew White shows up to see it, the queen will have her thrown in the dungeon.

DELUCA: Sounds like politics.DEAN: Come on, let’s ditch the produce and watch the fireworks.

(EXITS LEFT with DELUCA.)CRABTREE: I can’t believe he called us produce.EVELYN: And the fireworks don’t start until after dark. (She and

CRABTREE EXIT LEFT. After a pause, they RE-ENTER with a chair [perhaps throne-like] and place it CENTER for the QUEEN. ALL OTHERS, except MIRROR, BRAD and LOU, ENTER from all directions. SOUND EFFECT: FESTIVE MUSIC.)

CRABTREE: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the annual Wychwood festival. And now, the seven dwarves of Ooze will present a program of thanks to their favorite scullery maid. (DWARVES dance or perform tricks as the REST OF THE CAST watches.)

QUEEN: Wait a minute! I recognize that scullery maid. That’s Snew White! (MUSIC STOPS. ALL look on, nervous.) Who has a ball point pen? (Rushes towards SNEW WHITE.)

MIRROR: (ENTERS LEFT.) Stop! Do not lay a hand on that fair maiden.

CRABTREE: Hey! Aren’t you supposed to be upstairs in the mirror?MIRROR: Look carefully on this evil queen, Snew White.SNEW WHITE: Boy, she smells of bath salts.MIRROR: Did you know that her real name is Lily?ROSE RED: And look at her arm, she has a tattoo of a tiger.QUEEN: (Drops her threatening pose.) You like it?SNEW WHITE: Mother? I don’t understand. How could it be?QUEEN: What? I hope somebody will explain what you are talking

about.MIRROR: I shall explain. Long ago a mother named Lily White was

angry with her family. Her husband, Gerry, was working late at the office, her two daughters were fighting and her baby boy was screaming. Suddenly, a witch arrived and told Lily she could trade her family for the power of an evil queendom. In a moment of


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SNEW WHITEScene One

LIGHTS UP: The cottage of the seven dwarves, UP CENTER. SLOPPY is lounging on the sofa, dressed like a slob. SPIFFY, in a tuxedo, dusts with a feather duster. TWITCHY ENTERS UP RIGHT. He has a noticeable twitch.TWITCHY: Rose Red! Rose Red! Where is Rose Red?SLOPPY: Off someplace. Something to do with work.SPIFFY: You might think about doing some work yourself. Washing

those clothes would be a nice start.SLOPPY: Hey, these clothes are just starting to ripen. I’m not going

to ruin them with soap.SPIFFY: I can’t believe I have a brother who’s so sloppy.SLOPPY: That’s my name, don’t wear it out!STICKY: (ENTERS UP RIGHT, a piece of paper stuck to his hand.)

Where is Rose Red?SPIFFY: Settling an insurance claim on the other side of the wild

woods. Something about a giant climbing down a beanstalk.STICKY: I was hoping she could get this paper unstuck from me.SLOPPY: Busy day?TWITCHY: You know the air traffic control business. Always tense.SLOPPY: I thought you seemed a little twitchy.STICKY: He’s Twitchy the dwarf, what did you expect?SNIPPY: (ENTERS UP RIGHT with NOSEY, both dressed as

tollbooth attendants. Irritated.) Where’s Rose Red? I thought she was going to mow the lawn.

SLOPPY: And how was your day? Man, I don’t see why you have to always be so snippy.

SNIPPY: Because I’m Snippy the dwarf.NOSEY: You’re never going to believe what happened to me today.STICKY: Here we go again.NOSEY: I’m working at entrance ten, and this guy drives up and asks

what’s the toll to Oozeville. So I tell him, three ducats and forty-five cents. So he asks can I change a five, and I say… (Pauses for effect.) …only if you get in the cash lane.

TWITCHY: (Totally unamused.) Tollbooth anecdotes are just not funny.NOSEY: Get it? Only if you get in the cash lane!BRAD: (ENTERS UP RIGHT in surfer garb.) Dudes! I have returned

from the righteous waves of the Wychwood shore. Where’s Rose Red? I have some bodacious tales of the surf to offer her.

NOSEY: (ENTERS RIGHT with STICKY.) I don’t mean to be nosey, but I think I saw a beautiful young maiden wandering in the wild woods.

STICKY: What do you mean, you don’t mean to be nosey? You are Nosey.

SLOPPY: (ENTERS RIGHT with SPIFFY.) Hey, we just saw a beautiful young maiden.

STICKY: Remember what happened the last time we found a young maiden in the wild woods.

NOSEY: You mean Rose Red?STICKY: Okay, the time before that.SPIFFY: Sticky is right. Remember when we rescued that accountant

and she said she would manage our money for us?SLOPPY: Oh, yeah. She sure was good at counting our money.STICKY: Yeah, too bad she ran away with all of it.SPIFFY: If we had that money, we’d have everything we want and

we could live happily ever after. (DWARVES sigh and EXIT LEFT. LIGHTS SHIFT to Dr. Freud’s office, EXTREME DOWN LEFT. DR. FREUD sits in his chair with his notebook and pen. The QUEEN sits or lies nearby.)

DR. FREUD: Now, tell me about your mother.QUEEN: I only came here because the magic mirror said you could

help me find inner beauty.DR. FREUD: You want inner beauty?QUEEN: I want to be the fairest lady in Wychwood.DR. FREUD: Inner beauty comes from love. Even the cheapest

magic mirror could tell you that.QUEEN: What do you mean, the cheapest mirror?DR. FREUD: You know, like the ones they have at Ye Olde Magic

Shoppe.QUEEN: (Angry.) Are you telling me that—DR. FREUD: Your Majesty, the question is, do you have love?QUEEN: Of course I have love. Every year at the festival the citizens

cheer for me when I appear on the royal balcony.DR. FREUD: You don’t think that has something to do with the Royal

Security Force walking through the crowd with electric cattle prods?QUEEN: Even love needs some encouragement now and then.DR. FREUD: I’m going to write you a prescription, Your Majesty.

(Takes prescription pad from his pocket and writes on it.)QUEEN: Good. Then I won’t have to waste my time on all this love

nonsense. A beauty pill, that’s what I need.

EVELYN: Sure.MIRROR: (Shouts.) Hey, Dean, Deluca! Mirror for you! (LIGHTS UP

in the governor’s office, DOWN RIGHT. DEAN and DELUCA are seated glumly on the desk.)

DELUCA: (Looks in mirror.) Hello.CRABTREE: (Looks in mirror as if seeing DELUCA.) Well, hello,

gorgeous.EVELYN: I thought you said you didn’t want any part of this.DEAN: Who is it?EVELYN: I’m calling from the palace in Wychwood-under-Ooze.DEAN: Wychwood-under-Ooze? Hey, give me that! (Grabs the

mirror.) What do you want?EVELYN: I want to help. Listen, tell the governor that as soon as the

queen finds love, she’ll give up Wychwood-under-Ooze.MIRROR: I’m sorry, your time is up. (Steps back through frame.)DEAN: Hello. Hello. (LIGHTS FADE DOWN LEFT on the queen’s

boudoir. CRABTREE and EVELYN EXIT.)DELUCA: The queen… find love. Like that’s ever going to happen.

We might as well tell the governor to invade. (DEAN and DELUCA dissolve into laughter. LIGHTS SHIFT to the queen’s boudoir, DOWN LEFT. QUEEN stands before MIRROR.)

QUEEN: Mirror, mirror, in that frame, am I not the prettiest dame?MIRROR: (LIGHTS FLICKER and MIRROR actor steps forth.) You’re

not making much progress with your inner beauty.EVELYN: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT with GERRY.) Your insurance

salesman is here, Your Majesty. (EXITS.)GERRY: Good afternoon.QUEEN: (Without looking at GERRY.) Silence! (To the MIRROR.)

And what about my outer beauty?MIRROR: Even now Snew White draws near. She seeks love and

is fairer than ever. (LIGHTS FLICKER as MIRROR actor returns to frame.)

GERRY: I take it this is the magic mirror you want to insure.QUEEN: (Continues to peer into mirror and speaks to GERRY without

looking at him.) Do you have an axe?GERRY: An axe. No, ma’am, I don’t usually carry an axe to sell

insurance. I have a ballpoint pen. (Holds out a pen.)QUEEN: Take your pen and go into the wild woods. Find Snew White

and slay her so I will be the fairest! (EXITS DOWN LEFT without looking at GERRY.)

BRAD: Come on, dwarves. We gotta do roll call.STICKY: If we all just go to our rooms, he won’t need our names.SNIPPY: That’s the first good idea he’s had all week.BRAD: Sorry, Gerry. We’re getting on each other’s nerves. Besides,

it’s Snew White who needs insurance. Will you excuse us? We have to get our beauty rest before the festival tomorrow. (DWARVES EXIT UP LEFT, grumbling, leaving GERRY alone.)

GERRY: Strange bunch of dwarves. That one fellow was a bit snippy.SNIPPY’S VOICE: (Shouts from OFFSTAGE.) I am Snippy.SNEW WHITE: (ENTERS UP LEFT with ROSE RED.) Hello, Gerry.

Spiffy tells me you want to sell me some insurance. This is my sister, Rose Red.

GERRY: A pleasure to meet you.ROSE RED: Gerry… is that short for anything?GERRY: As a matter of fact, it’s short for Geranium.SNEW WHITE: (Aside to ROSE RED.) Named for the blossoming

flower. He couldn’t be… Say, Gerry, what is that cologne you’re wearing?

GERRY: My cologne? Oh, that’s Old Spice. It’s supposed to smell like a man who’s just come back from the sea.

SNEW WHITE: (Aside to ROSE RED.) Touched by the scent of the sea.

GERRY: (Takes papers out of briefcase.) Now, this policy is similar to one I wrote for Rapunzel.

SNEW WHITE: Tell me, Gerry, where did you get that tie?GERRY: (Holds up his black and orange striped tie.) I graduated from

Princeton. This is my Princeton tie.SNEW WHITE: Princeton? What’s their mascot, I can’t remember.GERRY: The mascot? Why, the Princeton Tigers, of course.SNEW WHITE/ROSE RED: (Leap with excitement.) Marked by the

sign of the tiger! Father!GERRY: (Embraced by both GIRLS.) I’m not sure I understand. Do

you still want the policy? (BLACKOUT.)End of Scene Four

Scene FiveLIGHTS UP: The palace grounds, CENTER. It is the next day. If desired, all furniture may be removed from the stage. CRABTREE and EVELYN ENTER LEFT and DEAN and DELUCA ENTER RIGHT.DEAN: Afternoon, ladies, are you on the way to the festival?


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SNIPPY: She’s not here. The grass is a foot tall, and she’s out pursuing her dream career of insurance adjuster.

BRAD: Dude, don’t be so…SNIPPY: Don’t say it!NOSEY: (Looks at the AUDIENCE.) Um, excuse me, but who are all

those people out there?BRAD: Dude, it’s like an audience or something.SPIFFY: It is an audience. And a remarkably well-dressed one, I

might add.BRAD: Oh, we have to do roll call.TWITCHY: I’m not doing roll call.BRAD: Come on, dude, we’ve never done roll call for an audience.SNIPPY: Don’t you think there’s a reason for that?BRAD: Besides, these dudes and dudettes don’t know who we are.STICKY: (Tries to get the paper unstuck.) Like they can’t tell I’m

Sticky the dwarf.BRAD: Dudes, this is our big chance to stop being anonymous house

dwarves and tollbooth attendants and air traffic controllers and celebrate our true dwarfish selves. Come on, roll call!

ALL DWARVES: (Except BRAD. Reluctant.) Fine. Roll call. (They assemble in a line UP CENTER.)

TWITCHY: I’m Twitchy.STICKY: I’m Sticky.SLOPPY: I’m Sloppy.SPIFFY: I’m Spiffy.SNIPPY: I’m Snippy.NOSEY: I’m Nosey.BRAD: And I’m Brad. And now that we’ve done roll call, I’m going to

chill in my room.OTHER DWARVES: (Except NOSEY.) Me, too. (They EXIT UP LEFT.)NOSEY: But I have some more amusing tollbooth anecdotes! (Runs

OFF after them. BLACKOUT.)End of Scene One

Scene TwoLIGHTS UP: The queen’s boudoir, DOWN LEFT. It is the next day. The QUEEN stands before a full-length mirror frame, behind which stands the actor who plays the MIRROR, dressed in silver and wearing mirrored sunglasses. (See PRODUCTION NOTES.) CRABTREE and EVELYN wait on the QUEEN. LOU THE UPS GUY is nearby.

DR. FREUD: (Tears paper out and hands it to QUEEN.) Here you are.QUEEN: (Reads.) “Find the people you love, then live your life for

them and not yourself.” What a waste of an hour! I should have talked to you about my mother. (Storms OUT DOWN LEFT.)

DR. FREUD: We still have five minutes! (BLACKOUT.)End of Scene Two

Scene ThreeLIGHTS UP: The dwarves’ cottage, UP CENTER. That afternoon. TWITCHY, SNIPPY, BRAD and ROSE RED are ONSTAGE. SPIFFY and SLOPPY ENTER UP RIGHT, breathless.SPIFFY: We found another one.TWITCHY: Another what?SLOPPY: Another one like her. (Points at ROSE RED.) We saw her

in the wild woods this morning, and she was still there on our way home from work, so we decided to bring her home. Here she comes! (SNEW WHITE ENTERS UP RIGHT with NOSEY and STICKY.)

BRAD: Hello, dudette! What’s your name?SNEW WHITE: It’s Snew.BRAD: I don’t care if it’s new, tell me what it is.NOSEY: No, you fool of a surfer, her name is Snew. Snew White.BRAD: Charmed, Miss White. I’m Brad the surfer dwarf, and these are

my dwarfish compadres Snippy and Twitchy. And this is Rose Red.SNEW WHITE: Pleased to meet you, dwarves, Miss Red.SPIFFY: We should get you changed into some spiffy clothes.SLOPPY: How do you know she wants to wear spiffy clothes?NOSEY: Yeah, what do you want, Snew White? We’re dying to know.SNEW WHITE: What do I want? (SOUND EFFECT: SENTIMENTAL

VIOLIN MUSIC.) Well, I was raised in an orphanage until I was old enough to be a scullery maid. I never knew the love of a mother’s touch or the sound of a father’s voice. I never felt the bond of a sister or brother. I suppose what I want more than anything else is a family that loves me. (The DWARVES pull handkerchiefs out of their pockets and dab their eyes. MUSIC FADES.)

NOSEY: (Blows his nose loudly.) That was beautiful.ROSE RED: (To SNEW WHITE.) That’s exactly how I feel. I want to

find my family, too.SNEW WHITE: Maybe we can work together to find our families.TWITCHY: You should think about consulting a magic mirror. Rumor

has it there’s one at the evil queen’s castle.

ROSE RED: What do you say, Snew White? Are you up for sneaking into the castle and asking the magic mirror to help us?

SNEW WHITE: I wouldn’t miss it for the world. (LIGHTS SHIFT to the governor’s office, DOWN RIGHT. The GOVERNOR sits at his desk.)

GOVERNOR: Dean! Deluca! Where is my magic mirror?DELUCA: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT with DEAN, carrying a tabletop

mirror.) Sorry, Governor.GOVERNOR: Were you using it to solve crossword puzzles again?DEAN: No, Governor. We promised never to use it to solve

crosswords again.DELUCA: We were using it to solve the word jumble.GOVERNOR: Well it’s been no help at all in formulating my

Wychwood-under-Ooze policy.DEAN: What did it say?GOVERNOR: That the queen needs some personal space to work

through her problems. I mean, is this a magic mirror or Dr. Phil?DELUCA: You have to announce some plan of action, Governor.GOVERNOR: What if I announce that I’m asking the legislature to

pass a non-binding resolution?DELUCA: What will it say?GOVERNOR: How should I know what it will say? I’ll know when they

pass it and send it for my signature!DEAN: That’s true leadership. (LIGHTS SHIFT to CRABTREE and

EVELYN in the queen’s boudoir, DOWN LEFT. The MIRROR stands ready.)

CRABTREE: I really don’t think you should use the queen’s magic mirror to talk to the governor.

EVELYN: Look, Lou the UPS guy told us all the magic mirrors are connected. So all we have to do to make peace…

CRABTREE: …is talk to the governor, tell him the queen is looking for love and spend the rest of our lives in the royal dungeon. I don’t want any part of this.

EVELYN: (Looks into mirror.) What rhymes with governor?CRABTREE: Oven mitt?EVELYN: Never mind. Mirror, mirror, quiet as a mouse, connect me

to the governor’s house.MIRROR: (LIGHTS FLICKER and the actor playing the MIRROR

steps through the frame.) I’m sorry, the governor is unavailable to take your call at this time. May I connect you with his assistants?

SNIPPY: Come on, let’s get this thing detached. (He and NOSEY pull the apple from STICKY’S hand.)

NOSEY: (Looks at the apple.) Oh, this is ruined.TWITCHY: Just throw it away. What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

(NOSEY tosses the apple into the trash. LIGHTS SHIFT DOWN LEFT to the queen’s boudoir.)

QUEEN: (ENTERS with a bottle of Snapple and looks into the mirror frame. [MIRROR actor is OFFSTAGE.] CRABTREE and EVELYN ENTER behind her. Angry.) Tell me while I drink this Snapple, was Snew White slain by my poison apple?

MIRROR’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT.) No.CRABTREE: Hey, where is she?MIRROR’S VOICE: I’m not coming out there while she’s in this kind

of mood.QUEEN: (Furious.) What do you mean, this kind of mood? I’m an evil

queen and someone has foiled my plot. What kind of mood do you expect me to be in?!

MIRROR’S VOICE: My point exactly.EVELYN: You know, Your Majesty, if you want something done right,

you just have to do it yourself.CRABTREE: Besides, you’d enjoy being the one who slays Snew

White. (QUEEN laughs. LIGHTS SHIFT UP CENTER to STICKY, NOSEY, TWITCHY and SNIPPY in the cottage.)

SPIFFY: (ENTERS UP RIGHT with SLOPPY and BRAD.) Say, Lou said he delivered some fruit for Snew White.

SNIPPY: Ix-nay on the uit-fray. (SOUND EFFECT: KNOCKING.)ALL DWARVES: Come in!GERRY: (ENTERS UP RIGHT.) Sorry I never made it last night. I had

to stop and sell a burglary policy to three bears I met in another part of the wild woods. It was late when we finished, so they offered to let me stay the night.

SPIFFY: Did they give you porridge for breakfast?GERRY: Why, yes, how did you know?NOSEY: Who are you?SPIFFY: This is Gerry. He’s an insurance salesman we met yesterday

in the wild woods. Gerry, this is everybody.GERRY: Gee, I’d sure like to get everybody’s name, just in case you

might be interested in a policy.BRAD: There’s only one way to tell him everybody’s name.SNIPPY: (Through clenched teeth.) There’s more than one way.


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