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FINDINGOURPEOPLE:WendyandRyanKramer’sStory

Oneofthewaysthatwetrytoenrichthelivesofourmembers,aswellastoeducateothersaboutdonor conception, is to tell stories.Weofferyouavoiceandbelievethatwhenyoushareyourstoriesofdiscovery,youemboldenothers to “find theirpeople”andtounderstandtheirownfeelingsaboutdonorconceptioninnewways.Each familystory isdifferent,but thereare themesthatrunthroughmanystoriesandinformus.DSRfounders,WendyandRyanKramerhaveastorythatnowspansmorethan2decadesandexpandsallofourunderstandingofdonorconception.Itisa story of ups and downs, twists and turns, determination and patience. It istestimony to the magnificence you may encounter when you open yourself topossibilities. TheBeginnings…“Herewe go again…” Since 2000,Wendy Kramer has been helping people whoselives have been touchedby donor conception connectwith each other. Every daynewmembersjointheDonorSiblingRegistry(DSR)andmostdays2or3ormorepeopleareconnectedwiththeirown,ortheirchild’s first-degreegeneticrelatives.Each new connection is exciting and in some way, Kramer celebrates alongsidethose who are newly matched. But at the beginning and end of the day, thisindefatigableheadoftheDSRis“justamom.”“InsomewaysIamnodifferentthananyotherparentontheDSR,signingontoseeifanynewhalfsiblingshavejoined.”The history of the DSR, and Wendy and Ryan Kramer’s personal history areinextricablylinked.Wendyrecallstheeveningofherowndonorinsemination,lyinginbedquietlyrepeatingthewords“Pickme.Pickme.Pickme.”Twoweekslatershelearnedshewaspregnant.BythetimeRyanwastwoyearsold,itwasclearthathewasexceptionallyintelligent.Bythreehewasasking,“didmydaddie,orwhat?”afternoticingthatotherchildrenathispreschoolhadbothmomsanddads.Byagesixhewas clear he wanted to meet his genetic father. Had a different child picked adifferent mom, it is unlikely that the DSR would exist: the organization wasconceived and gestated because one curious little boy asked questions that onelovinganddeterminedmomcouldnotanswer.Andtherest,astheysay,hishistory.WendyandRyan’spersonalhistoryofexploration,discoveryandconnectionalongwith their experiences as the public faces of DSR chronicle major shifts in thepractice,publicperceptionsandprivatejourneysofdonorconception.Theirstory,which began LaborDayweekend1989,withRyan’s conception,was last updatedthis 2016 Labor Day weekend when Ryan, who waited seven years for his firstmatch via the DSR, had another. The first time it was a sister. This time it is a

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brother.Therehavebeenothersinbetween.Eachexperienceisnew,differentandcomeswithit’sownbrandofpleasuresandchallenges.ThehistoryoftheDSRislinear—itisanorganizationthatbegansmall—tinytobeexact.WendypostedasmallnoticeonaYahoogroup,“I’mthemotherofanawesome10yearolddonorchild—Iknowthathehasatleastthreedonorsiblingsandwewouldlovetoconnectwiththem. Wearelookingfordonor1058fromCaliforniaCryobankandhopethatthiswillhelpothers lookingfortheirchildren’sdonors(ortheirown).Bytheendof2000,therewere6members.Afterayear,therewere14.Bylate2002,membership numbered 37 and as of November 2016, 52,500 people in 105___countries are members of the DSR. Steady, strong, magnificent growth inmembership and alongside it, influence in laws, policy and ethicssurroundingarounddonorconception.The Kramer’s family story is not linear. Yes, Ryan has grown from a young boyaskingquestions toa26yearold ____atGoogleansweringquestions. Yes,Wendyhasevolvedfromamomtryingtohelpherson“findhispeople”toadazzlingleaderof an large and influential non-profit. However, their family story of donorconceptionanddonorconnectionsisoneofmeanderingjourneysinkinship.Alongtheway, therehavebeenconnectionswithRyan’sbiological father,donor, “ grandparents, and an array of halfdonor siblings. Some matches have been “easy”(relativelyspeaking)andothers,frustrating.WearegratefultoWendyandRyanforsharingtheirstoryandhopethatitwillhelpDSRmembersandothersseeandappreciatetheirownstoriesinnewways.Forinthewordsofsociologistanddadthroughdonorconception,JoshuaGamson,“Storieshelpmakethingsmakesense.Theyputthingsinorder.Thisishowithappened.Theyare also the stuff fromwhich identities are built. Creation stories, in particular, areabout selfhood. ‘In telling the story of our beginning, as an individual, a nation, apeople,’asthesociologistFrancescaPolettaputsitsimply,‘wedefinewhoweare.’Thisishowithappened.”ModernFamilies,JoshuaGamson PICKME,PICKME,PICKMEDonor conception has changed exponentially sinceWendy and her then husbandchose“DI”whentheylearnedthathewasinfertile.“Over27yearshavepassedbutIcan still remember that August day when the doctor told us, “You will never havechildrentogether. I felt likedI’dbeenkicked inthegut.” Always apersonof actionwhodoesnotknowwhatitmeanstoprocrastinate,Wendypickedherselfup,dustedherself off and along with her ex, moved quickly to the next step. “In those days

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people seeking sperm didn’t get baby photos or questionnaires, voice recordings or‘staff impressions.’Wemetwithawomanat our local clinicwho tooka lookatmyhusband’s coloring, height,weightandaskedabout ethnicity as she tried tomakeamatch.ByLaborDayweekend,Iwasundergoingtwoinseminationshavingnoideaatallaboutthemanwhowouldbethegeneticfatherofmychild.”WendysaysthatmanypeoplehavegoneontheDSRwebsiteorseenheronTVandhave assumed that she was a single mother by choice. On learning that she wasmarriedwhenRyanwasconceived,theyaskaboutRyan’s“father”.Wendyexplainsthatherex-husbandwasRyan’sdadforRyan’sfirst18monthsbutfromthatpointforward,WendywasRyan’sonlyparent.“Thismakespeoplereallyuncomfortable,”Wendysays, “Theyunderstandablyworryabout the idea that a non biological parent can have his/her parental rights andresponsibilitiesremoved.” Wendygoeson toexplain thatherex’sexit fromRyan’slife had nothing to do with genetics—they divorced because of substance abuseissuesandbecauseWendyhadotherworriesaboutRyan’ssafety.Wendy’sgoalwasfor Ryan to grow up in a safe and happy environment and looking back,Wendybelievesthat thiswasherex’sgoalaswell.“IbelievehegaveuphisparentalrightsandresponsibilitiesinpartbecauseheknewitwasbestforRyan.Insodoinghewasabletoleaveourlivesandreturnafewyearslaterasafriend.”Having had her sonwith a husband and having taking the extraordinary steps ofendinghisfatherhood,WendysayspreparedhertorespectandrespondtoRyan’sdesiretoknowhisgeneticdad.Thiswasnotalwayshowdonorparentsfeltthough.She reminds us, “In those days people did not ask questions. Those of uswho useddonor sperm had no idea we had the right to be curious or the right to search.Similarly,donorsassumedtheyhadnorights.”ButbacktoWendyontheexamtablereceivingsperm,originsunknown.“IjustlaytherelookingupataposterofKevinCostnerontheceilingandmumblingtomyself,“Pickme.Pickme.Pickme.IwantedthismorethanIcouldhaveeverimaginedandwithinaweekorso,Iknewthatmypleahadbeenanswered.AnearlypregnancytestwaspositiveandonMay22,1990,Igavebirthtoabeautifulbabyboy.”Wendy,who isneitherareligiousnoraspiritualperson, feltcertain thatRyanhadpickedher.Andsoshewasnotsurprisedwhenat3,heryoungsonsaidtoher,“Youknow,Ipicked you.” So there they were—an exceptionally bright and curious boy and amomwhohadmortgagedherheartforever.Oneofthefirstthingseveryparentlearnsisthatthechildyougetisnotlikelytobethe child you anticipated. In Wendy’s case, the surprises began with Ryan’sremarkable mind. Wendy and her then husband had requested a donor thatresembled him physically, never asking for anything particular in regards toacademics or intelligence. Wendy jokes, “I put in for regular, but they gave mepremium”.And soRyan’s exceptional intelligence cameas a complete surprise.Bythe time he was in first grade, testing confirmed that Ryan was

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profoundlyexceptionally gifted. Along with this news came the psychologist’sprescientobservation“PeoplelikeRyandon’tusuallyfind‘theirpeople’untiltheyareingraduateschoolhavegraduatedfromcollege.”Wendytookthepsychologist’swordstoheartandearlyonhadaprofoundrespectforwhatsheanticipatedwouldbeRyan’sneedtofind“hispeople.”Ryanhadtutorsandmentorsandawonderfulbig“BigBrother”whowasascientist.Thisalsomeantnavigatinganeducationalsystemthatisn’tsetupforachildwhoneedstoaccelerateor a boywho begins as a full time aerospace engineering studentis academicallycollegereadyat14. Italsomeantresponding toRyan’sstateddesire,beginningatagesix,tomeethisbiologicalfather.Unabletoofferhimthis,Wendydidwhatshehasnowhad lotsofpracticedoing:she followedherson’s leadandtried to figureoutasolution.“From the start, Ryan and I were clear thatwe didn’t want to search for someone.Insteadwewantedtomakeitpossibleforustobefound. Eventhen,atatimewhenpeopleunderstoodlittleaboutdonorconceptionandtheneedthatsomehavetofindgenetickin,weknewthiswasnottherealmofprivatedetectives.Ithadtobegroundedinmutualconsent.”But how does someone go from knowing nothing to know something andmore?Wendysaysthatherpath—andRyan’s—beganwithhercontactingherclinicwhenRyanwasthreeandaskingiftheycouldtellheranythingatallaboutthedonor.Thewomanwhospokewiththemofferedthisstartlingreply,“Oh,youneverreceivedthelong form? Youwere givenDonor 1058 from California Cryobank.” With that sherequested that the long formbemailed, andwhena thick envelopearriveda fewdayslaterfromCaliforniaCryobank,Wendyletitsitonthecounterforafewhours.“It was daunting to think that it included all sorts of information about Ryan’sbiologicalfather—andhence,aboutRyan.”Whenshedidopenit,Wendyfound,asexpected,thatitcontainedmuchthatwouldbe important toRyan. “Perhapsthemostprofoundexperiencewassimplyseeinghishand writing. Donor 1058 was no longer a vague hint of a person—he was real!”Wendygoesontosaythatreadingabouthobbiesandinterests,talentsinschoolandphysical characteristics of the donor and his familywould all prove important toRyanovertime.“Itwasn’tlikewecombedtheprofiledailybutwedidlookatitfromtime to time.Ryanwouldgo to itwhenhehadanew interestor learned somethingmoreabouthimself. Ithelpedsomuchtobegintoput thepieces together. ItwasanimportantpartofRyan’sidentityformation.” Wendyoffers,asanexample,hairandeyecolor.Wendyandherfamilyallhavedarkhair.Ryanwasveryblondasyoungchild,afeaturethatconstantlycalledattentiontothefamily.“Wheredidhegetthatblondhair?”strangerswoulddeclareinwonder.Wendyremembersshruggingandanswering quite honestly, “Ihaveno idea!” Reading the profile and learning thatDonor1058’sbrotherhadblondhairanddarkeyeswasimmenselyhelpful.Thequestionnaireincludedamessagefromthedonortofutureoffspringthatread

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“EducatethechildRaisehim/herwithoutbiasesofanykind.Teachhim/hertotrustinothersbuttorelyonself. Instill inhim/herasenseofhumorandtheabilitytoenjoylife”.ToWendyandRyanthisspokevolumes.ItassuredthemthatRyan’sbiologicalfatherwas a good person and themessage spoke to hismaturity and sensitivity.Ryan’sinterestinmeetinghimincreasedandmotherandsonbegantothinkmoreseriously about how theymight put themselves in a position of being found. “Wedidn’twanttointrudeuponhimbutwewonderedifhemightfeelaswedid—adesireto make contact. We wanted to let him know that Ryan existed, and give him theopportunitytochoosetoconnect.”OvertheyearsWendyhadcalledCaliforniaCryobankwithsomeregularity.“Iwouldaskthemiftherewereanyupdates,anychangesinpolicies,any-anything.”EventuallyWendywouldhaveacall thathitpaydirtbut inthemeantime,shewondered if itwouldhelpforRyantowritealetter.“MyfirstgoalwastohelpRyanfeelthathehadsomecontrolofthesituation.”Sadly,I’veheardfromsomanyDSRmembersthattheyfeelpowerlessastheirspermbanks,doctors,medicalclinics,andeggdonoragenciesworkveryhardtowithholdsomeofthemostimportantinformationthatadonorchildcandesire. IsuggestedtoRyanthathewritealettertothespermbank. AlthoughIknewtheletterwouldlikelyendupinafileandneverbeshared,itwastheprocessofwritingtheletterandsendingitoffthatIfeltcouldbeempoweringforRyan.”How do you ignore the poignant letter of a seven-year-old child? CaliforniaCryobank did and their non-response further provokedWendy Kramer’s ire. Sheupped the volume in her yearly calls to the spermbank. Sadly, her pleas on herson’sbehalfyieldedonly,“wepromisedourdonorsanonymityandourobligationistomaintain this.” “Butwhataboutanobligation to theresultingchildren? Theyneversigned any agreements.” Wendy wondered. Unnerved and unwilling to remainpassive,Wendybeganhoningherdetectiveskills.Overtheyearsshehasmasteredthem.Wendylooksbackwithamusementatherfirstforayintosearching,whenRyanwasthree, long before the Internet. “A friendputanad in theLATimesmisc. classifiedsectionthatread,‘Donor1058,wewanttothankyou.’Itincludedourphonenumber.Weplaceditandwewaited.AweeklaterIreceivedacollectphonecallfromtheLACounty jail. Surprised, I remindedmyself tobeopen-minded. I said tomyself, ‘Ryan’sdonorisagoodpersonwhomusthavemadeamistake.’IacceptedthecallandsoonrealizedthatthevoiceontheotherendwasanAfricanAmericanman.AlthoughRyansure did not look African American I went with this information as well—ok….soRyan’sgeneticfatherwasAfricanAmericanandisinjail.Ok,Icanbeopen-minded!Itdidn’tmuchmatter—whatmatteredwasthathewascontactingus.Hewantedtobefound.”Asitturnedout,itwasawrongnumber.ThecallerwasrespondingtoanadforaChristopherDarden(attorneyintheOJtrial)look-alikepenpal.A few years later,Wendy obtained some startling news from a lady at the spermbank and her mother quickly passed it on to Ryan before she had time to fullyprocesshowtotellachildwhowouldimmediatelywantanswers.“Ihadwantedto

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waitabit, “Wendy says. “Iknewthathewouldbecomeover-the-moonexcitedbyitandIwantedtohaveaplanbeforetellinghim. The information,whichWendyhadlearnedsomewhatinadvertently,wasthatRyanhadseveralhalf-siblings“outthere.”The information had come from an atypically talkative woman at CaliforniaCryobank,thatusualfortressofsecrecy.Asanticipated,Ryanwasfiredupbythenewsthathehadhalfsiblings.“IfIwanttoknowthem,thenmaybetheywanttoknowme?Howcanweknowabouteachotherifthespermbankswon’tputusintouchwithanyone?”Likemanyparentsandtheirchildren,WendyandRyanhadtheirbestconversationsinthecar.“WeusedtobrainstorminourcommutefromNederlandtoBoulder,andback.”Wendyremembers.“WewouldtrytofigureoutwaysthatRyanandhishalfsiblingscouldfindeachother.ThenRyanbeganlearningaboutYahoogroupsandwedecidedtogiveitatry.”Theirfirstmessage,“Iamthemotherofanawesome10yearolddonorchild.Iknowthathehasatleast3donorsiblingsandwouldlovetocontactthem.WearelookingforDonor#1058fromtheCaliforniaCryobank.Ihopethatthisboardwillserveotherslookingfortheirchildren's(ortheirown)siblings.”AndthatishowtheDonorSiblingRegistrywasborn.Init’searliest,embryonicformitwastheYahoogroup,andthatveryfirstmessagethatWendyandRyanlaunchedonSeptember3,2000.“TheYahoogrouphelped get us started,”Wendy remembers. “But the processwascumbersome—we had to make all the connections ourselves. Fortunately, I’d madecontactwithSheri,acomputersavvymomthroughthegroupandsheofferedtobuildus a matrix. That matrix—which led to our website—enabled us to be way moreefficientandeffective.”AndsotheDSRwebsiteasmostofusknowitwasborn.Lookingback,Wendyidentifiesherselfprimarilyasamomonamission.ShehadachildwithquestionsandshewasfearlessanddeterminedtodowhatevershecouldtogetRyan’squestionsanswered.ShefeltthatshehadbroughtRyanintothisworldwith this particular set of circumstances, and she therefore owed it to him to dowhateverhumanlypossible tohelphim find theanswers to thequestions thathehad about themissing pieces of this his identity. However, somewhere along theway, Wendy realized that what she was doing and what she was building wentbeyond her family story. “In many ways, I had no idea what I was doing. I wascreatingsomethingoutofnothing.Itwassomethingthathadneverexistedbefore.Itdidnotfitinanyexistingcategory.Puttingonefootinfrontoftheother,Idecidedtotalkwithalawyerandformanon-profitorganization.”Therehavebeena fewpeoplewhohavebeen instrumental inhelpingWendyandRyangrow theDSR.Onewasa formerdonor in theUKwhosentWendya$1000donationtohelphergettheDSRofftheground.Anotherwasanattorney,awomanwho provided vision when Wendy had none. As they talked together, Wendyremembers the lawyer saying to her, “You will be writing papers and talking atconferencesandeducatingthepublic.”Wendyremembersglazingoverandthinking

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the lawyer was a little crazy when she heard these words—words that felt soforeign to her at the time. “The lawyer offeredme visionwhen I had none.” ThelawyeralsoofferedthelegalexpertisethatenabledtheDSRtogainnon-profitstatusin2003,after9monthsofwranglingwiththeIRS.TodaytheDSRwebsiteisaverylivelyplace.Thereareemailsliterallyflyingaroundtheworld,amongpeoplein105countries.Eachdaymatchesatleast2-3people.Butat the beginning, things moved very slowly. Wendy and Ryan, two people whothriveonaction,hadtowaitpatientlyforthreemonthsaftertheirfirstYahoopostbefore hearing from another donormom. She, too,was seeking her donor or herson’shalfsiblings.donorconceptions.TothisWendy,whowasbeginningtolearntowait,replied,“Itmaytakesometime.”Anditdidtaketime.ThesedayssomepeoplewhosignontotheDSRandhaveaninstantaneousmatch. But many wait. That secondmom to sign on with the DSRwaited twelveyearsbeforeherson’sbiological father finally signedonto theDSR.ForRyan,sevenyearswouldpassbeforehebecamethe2,910thpersontomatchontheDSR.Butthatdoesnotmeanthatintheinterim,hismomembracedpatience.In2002,with only 37members on the Yahoo group,Wendy “took the show on theroad.”After sendingemails toDenver’s three localTVstations, telling themaboutRyanandofhisquesttofindhisbiologicalfather,theNBCaffiliatedecidedtorunastory. Two weeks after thaal TV stations to air Ryan’s srory, worked and withintwot,,DianeSawyerwasinterviewingRyanandWendyonGoodMorningAmericainNewYorkhershow. OPRAHFINALLYCALLSAppearances on the other major talk shows and newspapers followed and withthem,WendyandRyan’svoiceswereheardacross theUSandbeyond. Along theway,theyrealizedthattheirquestwasnotonlytofind“Ryan’speople,”butalsotoeducate and support all those whose lives were touched by donor conception.“Before then,” Wendy remembers, “People did not know they had rights. Donoroffspringandparentsdidnotknowtheyhadtherighttobecurious,therighttosearch,or the right to connect with their first-degree genetic relatives. Additionally, thedonors, who were promised (or forced into) anonymity, also had curiosities anddesiredtoknowaboutthechildrenthattheyhadhelpedtocreate.”Wendy sets her sights high and although proud and tickled to have a nationalaudience,shewouldoftenquipwithfamily,“Oprahstillhasn’tcalled….”ThewordsmayhavebeensaidhalfinjestbutWendyacknowledgesfullforcedelightwhenherphonerangwiththecallerIDHARPOStudios.Afewweekslatersheanda12-year-oldRyanwereinChicagotapingtheirfirstOprah(Harpospelledbackwards)show.The Oprah show was transformative. On a personal level for Wendy and Ryan,Oprahwas simply affirming. She took them seriously. She respected and admired

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Ryan’s searchandunderstoodhisneed tobeknown. She toldRyan, “Ibelieveyouwill find your biological father.” And Oprah was kind and gracious with Wendy,takingherbybothhandsand jubilantlygreetingheras “Ryan’sMom,Ryan’sMom,Ryan’sMom.”Wendy,Ryan,andWendy’smomJackisharedtheexcitementofbeingonOprahalloveragainwhentheshowairedonMay22,2003,Ryan’s13thbirthday.Goingliveatdifferent times in different time zones, the family spent hours watching the TVmonitor and running between 2 computer screens where flocks of people werejoiningtheYahoogroup.There,inthemidstoffranticallysigningpeopleon,Wendyreceivedtheemailthatmatteredmorethananyoftheothers.Itwastitled,“Donor1058?”Ryanhadnotidentifiedhisdonor’snumberonOprah.Having beamed his story out into the universe, Ryan was overjoyed to havesomeonebeamback.Thecontentof theemail read,“WasthatyourRyanonOprahtoday?”TothisWendyreplied,“Yes!!!”Andthewriterbeamedback,“IguessIknewthatwhenIsawhim.Igavebirthtohistwohalfsisters.Theyare10and7.Likehimthey are brilliant and beautiful….. ” Wendy, Ryan and his grandma all hugged,laughedandcriedtogether.Ryan’sbirthdaycelebrationwasnowinTechnicolor.Hewasoverthemoonelatedtoknowhehadtwohalfsisters,toseephotosof“twolittlegirls who looked like me with wigs” and perhaps, most of all, to be known. Onhearingofhistwohalfsiblings,herepliedtotheirmother,“Iamscreamingwithjoy.Weareallscreamingwithjoy.Pleasewritebackassoonasishumanlypossible.”AndoffthefamilywenttoRyan’sbirthdaydinner,hisheadhangingoutthecartodeclaretoeveryoneinhishometownworld,“Ihavetwosisters!Ihavetwosisters!”The story of the DSR is one of twists and turns, joyful moments and frustratingsetbacks.AndsoitwastobewithRyanandthisfirstcontact.NosoonerwereRyanandhismomthinkingabout flying to theeast coast tomeethis sisters, then theirmombeamedbackadevastatingmessage,“Wehavenottoldourdaughtersthattheyweredonorconceivedandwedonotplantodoso…”HadRyanpickedadifferentmom,itiseasytoimaginethestoryendingthere.Howmuchhurt anddisappointmentand frustrationwashe to takeandwas thisquestleading anywhere good? Fortunately, Wendy’s unbridled feistiness andimmeasurablepatiencekept themgoing.There isnootherway tosay it than thatRyan was crushed. So much had happened in so short a time. He had gained anationalvoice.Hehadbeenheard.Hehadbeen found. Hehad takenagiant leapforwardtowardsfinding“hispeople.”Andnowthisgiganticsetback:thegirlswereout there but not only couldn’t hemeet them, they could not even know that heexisted.Butasonedoorcloses,anotheropens.Beforemovingontothatnextdoor,abitoffollow-up…AlthoughRyanhasnotmetthesetwohalfsistersandtheydonotknowabouttheirownbiologicalorigins,orabouthim,heandhismomhavebeenabletolearnmore.TheirmomexchangedmoreemailswithWendyanditwasshewhoprovidedthem

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withDonor 1058’s updated profile, a document that proved instrumental in latersleuthing. She also told them more about the girls and even provided a photo.PerhapsevenmorehelpfulhasbeenFacebook.WendyandRyanhavebeenabletofollowthegirlsandatleastseeupdatedphotos. “BUTTHAT’SJUSTANECDOTAL”Althoughtheiroriginalgoalwastohelppeoplewhoweregeneticallyrelatedmakemutualconsentcontact,WendyandRyandiscoveredearlyonthatotherimportantconnections were happening. A community was forming. When the DSR websiteemergedastheplacewherematchesweremade,theYahoogroupbecametheplacethatpeoplewentforconversation,newsandadvice.Informationwasshared.Peopletoldanecdotes. Issueswereraised. Themesemerged.Muchofthiswaswarmandenlightening—participantsaffirmedtheneedtoknoweachother. However,someofwhattheylearnedfromeachotherwastroubling:spermbankswerenotkeepingrecords. Medical information reported to them was being ignored. The spermindustrydidnot seem to care about its constituents. Troubled and ever eager forchange, Wendy took her concerns to the American Society for ReproductiveMedicine. “Iexpectedtheywouldbegladtohearfromusandwouldhaveourbackswith the sperm banks. Instead their spokesperson said that he didn’t value theinformationcomingfromtheDSRasthereportswerepurely‘anecdotal’”.OnedoesnotsaynotoWendyKramer. Inherwords,“IdrivethetrainandwhenIamdrivingthetrain,italwaysleavesthestation.Andontime.”Thatsaid,Wendywasanaccountant/businessmanagerandrestaurantownerwhodidnotknowhowtoconduct formal research. Enter Dr. Susan Golombok, Director of the Centre forFamily Research at Cambridge University, in 2006. “Dear Wendy” Dr. Golombokbegan, “I was interested to read in the UK papers about your website…..”Conversationsfollowed,WendytravelledtoCambridgeandresearchpartnerscametoWendy’s home. Golombok and her colleagues from Cambridgewere on boardandtheresearchtraincould leavethestation. TheCambridgegroupofferedtheiracademic expertise and their belief in the significance of the DSR and its work.Withina short time, theCambridgeUniversity—DSRcollaborationwaspublishingresearch thatwasbeingpresentedatconferencesaround theworld. Peoplewerelistening.MaybenottheASRM.Surelynotthespermbanksoreggclinics.Butotherswere listening and the voices of the donor conceived were being heard- bothanecdotally and via peer reviewed published research in prestigious academicjournals. ADOOROPENSENTIRELYUNEXPECTEDLY2004broughtmajorchangesinRyanandWendy’slives.Ryangraduatedfromhighschool at age 13 and somewhat unexpectedly, soon became a full timeundergraduate in the University of Colorado’s Aerospace Engineering program. Itwas also a year in which commercial DNA testing sites were just getting off theground.Whenoneofthesesites,FamilyTreeDNAcontactedRyanandaskedifhe

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wouldliketosubmitDNA,hedidacheekswabandsentitoffwithlowexpectations.He was told that it might give him insight into some paternal information, likecountriesoforigin.WendyandRyanwerealwaysupforanotherroute,anothertryandin2004,hesubmittedDNAtoFamilyTreeDNA.Indeed,hesoonlearnedthathispaternalheritagewasmostlyEnglish,someIrish,andeven4%Icelandic,whichhethoughtwasprettycool.Whathecouldnothaveanticipatedwasthatninemonthslateraconnectionwithtwoverydistantrelativeswouldsethimonapathtofindinghisdonor.ThispathbeganwiththefollowingemailfromamannamedMichaelC.“IampartofaC. familyDNAproject. Iwas just checkingmyclosestY-chromosomematchesandcameupwithtwopeoplewhowereathree-stepmismatchwithmeonthe37 marker test; Robert Gene C. (the one person in the project that I know to be arelative)andRyanKramer.IthencheckedRobertC.'sresultsandhisclosestmatch,atwostepmismatch,wasalsoRyanKramer.”MichaelC. thengoes into somegeneticdetailsandcontinues,“Inotherwords,RyanfallsbetweenRobertandmeasifhewerefroma thirdbranchofour family.Wearedescended from twobrothers fromNorthCarolina,AlexanderC.(b.1710)andThomasC.(b.1722)…”Things got interesting quickly. Michael C.wrote on, “Ididawebsearch for “RyanKramer” thinking that ifhewas intogenealogy,hemighthavepostedononeof themessageboardsorevenhaveawebsitedevotedtohisfamilyhistory. InsteadwhatIfoundwasaDenverPostarticle fromlastNovemberaboutRyanandhissituation.AsecondsearchusingyouremailaddresspostedwithFamilyTreeDNAconfirmeditwasthesameRyanKramer…”Theplotwas thickening.Ryan,whohadbeenwaiting aspatiently ashe could forfouryearsontheYahoogroup,wasnowseveralstepsclosertoknowingtheidentityofhisdonor.BecauseFamilyTreeDNAidentified linksvia theYchromosomeandnamesarepasseddowntraditionally fromfather toson,Ryan’sdonor’s lastnamewaslikelytobeC.orsomevariation.TheironyofallthisdidnotescapeWendyandRyan. They had established the DSR as a place for mutual consent contact, notwishing to track down or “out” anyone who wished to remain private. Prior toWendy and Ryan’s going live on Good Morning America and Oprah, fewacknowledgedtherightsofdonoroffspringtoseekgenetickin.Bycontrast,FamilyTree DNA and countless genealogy groups fully supported the pursuit of one’s“people.”How fitting thatRyan’smost significant leadwould come fromadistantgenetic relative curious about genealogy. The mother and son Kramer amateurdetectiveagencywasinbusiness.Looking back, Wendy is lightly amused by the unexpected supporting cast ofcharactersthatweretheretoassistRyaninhissearchforhisdonor.Therewasthe“ladywhoansweredthephone”atthespermbankwholetthemknowthereweremanyoffspring. DianeSawyerhelpedandOprahhelpedmore.And therewas themom who wouldn’t tell her daughters they are donor conceived but providedWendy and Ryan with the secondary donor profile that contained the exactbirthdateof donor1058. Now therewere the twoC.menbeaming inhelp from

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distant shores. In their own way,Wendy and Ryan had assembled their team ofhelpersbutitwasthismotherandsondetectiveswhowereleadingtheway.Wendy and Ryan now had three critical pieces of information that would leadthem—without much further delay—to their donor. The additional CaliforniaCryobankdonorprofilepassedalongbythemomofRyan’shalfsistersofferedhisexact birthdate and place of birth and thanks to the genealogy sleuths on FamilyTreeDNA,theyhadtheleadonalastname.TheyrequestedapubliclistfrominLosAngelesCountyofallmalebirthsonthatparticulardayacoupleofyearsbefore,andhadtuckeditawayinadrawer.Wendyremembersthateeriefeelingofpullingoutthat listofaround250namesandknowingoneofthembelongedtothemanwhohadgivenherRyan.Andthereitwas.LanceC.Bornonthatexactdate.ThepiecesfittogetherbutWendy,ever theaccountant, isonewhocoversallbasesbeforereachingconclusions. Shetapedupalargepieceofwhitepaperonthewallanddrewalinedownthemiddle.Ononesideitsaid,“Donor1058”andlistedalltheyknewabouthimfromthedonorprofile. On the other side, “Lance C.” and all they were learning about him.Everything thatmatchedonbothsidesof themiddle line,wouldbehighlighted inbrightyellow.Wendy and Ryan knew what engineering degrees Lance had and approximatelywhen he had earned them. And they had researched about possible colleges oruniversities he attendedbasedon areas of study and geography. Ryan called thethree or four institutions that were likely matches and told his story, asking ifanyonenamedLanceC.hadearnedadegreetherewithinalikelythree-yearperiod.Bingo—thenameand theyearand thedegreematchedup. LancehadearnedhisMastersofEngineeringin1990.Thisnewstransformedthewhitepapertoablazeof yellow. But there was to be remarkable icing on this richer and richer cake:Lance’sdegreewasdatedMay22,1990,theverydaythatRyanwasborn.Sotheretheyhad it.Ryan’sdonorhadgonefromadistantblur toaperson intheformofDonor1058 to real, liveLanceC., living inSanFranciscoandworking forGoogle(hewould,ofcourse,beamusedwhenhelateraskedRyanhowhehadfoundhim and Ryan’s one word sheepish reply was “Google.”). Ryan became the firstdonor-conceived person to locate a formerly anonymous sperm donor via DNAtesting.Butwhattodonext?Wendyisboldbutsheisalsocautious.Hadthingsbeenlefttoher,shewouldhaveletLance’sidentitymarinateinhermindandinRyan’sforafewdaysormoreandthen they’d figureoutwhat todonext.ButRyanwasa15-year-old teenwhohadjustcompletedmissionimpossible.Forhim,therewasnowaiting.HewokeWendyup in themiddleof thenight to letherknowhehadwrittena letter toLanceandhe’d already pushed “Send.” Wendy remembers thinking, “So much forcollaboration!”

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Wendyremembersreactingwithfear.Shehadseenhersongofromtheecstasyoflearninghehadtwosisterstothecrushingnewsthattheymightneverknowhim.MorehurtcouldsurelyfollowwithLance.WendyworriedthatRyan,brightasheisandwisebeyondyears,mighthaveputLanceoffbyhisletter.ShewasrelievedandquiteproudwhenshereadRyan’sletterandfeltsomewhathopefulthatitwouldbewell received.“Iwantedonething,”Wendyrecalls,“IwantedLancetobekind.”For48hourshermantrawas,“pleasebekind,pleasebekind,pleasebekind.”TwonightslaterRyanawakenedherasecondtimetojubilantlyannounce,“hewrotemeback!”Wendyknewtheanswertoherquestionwhenshesawherson’ssmilemixedwithtearsbutstillaskedthequestion.“Washekind?”Theanswerwasaresounding“YES!”Ryan has shared his letter to Lance, a few excerpts from Lance’s reply and hissecondlettertoLance.On6/14/05,RyanKramerwrote:Lance,Wheretobegin...mynameisRyanKramer,I'm15yearsoldandIliveinNederland,Colorado I just completedmy first yearat theUniversityofColorado,majoring inAerospace Engineering. Recently,mymotherWendy and I have been doing someresearchtryingtocompletemyfamilytree.Asyouunderstandinamoment,Ihavebeenmissing a large chunk ofmy ancestry. Aftermuchwork, DNA tests, privateinvestigationandpublicrecordsearching,IbelievethatIhavefinallyfoundthemanI’mlookingfor.Youmaywanttositdownforthenextpart.15years agomymotherwas impregnatedwith a spermdonation fromCaliforniaCryobankDonor1058.Accordingtothebriefamountofinformationwehaveabouthim,hewasborn****,1967,is6feettall,haslightbrownhairandbrowneyes.Heholds a BS in industrial engineering and an MS in Engineering Management. Hisfatherisanurbanplannerandhisbrotherisapilot.HelikespoetryandhisfavoriteplacetoeatistheInandOutBurger.Youandthisman,Ibelieve,areoneinthesame,whichincidentally,makesyou,myfather.Now, before you jump to any conclusions, I'd like to reassure you of a fewthings.1stofall,Iamnotcontactingyouformoney,Iamnotlookingforyoutoputmethroughcollege,nordoIseekanyotherformoffinancialaid.Secondly,Irespectthe fact that when you donated as a teenager, you signed up for completeanonymity.Thus,Iamnotaskingforarelationship,noramIaskingyoutobecomeafatherfigureorapartofmylifeifyouarenotcomfortablewithit.Whilegettingtoknowyouwouldbethebestcasescenarioforme,thelevelonwhichweconnectisentirelyuptoyou.BecauseIadvanced4gradesandwenttocollegeearly,TheDenverPostdidaratherlargearticleaboutthispastNovember.Itcontainsalmosteverythingyoucouldeverwanttoknowaboutme,soIamattachingthelink:

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http://www.denverpost.com/boywonder/ci_0002556220/ci_0002556220.Whenyouareready,youmaycontactmebywhatevermeansyoufeelmostappropriate.Tostartwith,Iwouldliketohearabitmoreaboutyou.Whatareyourhobbies?Interests?Areyoumarried?Wheredoyouwork,andwhatdoyoudo?Wheredidyougotoschool?Growup?SinceIstartedaskingaboutyouattheageof2,Ihavealwaysbeencuriousaboutyou.AnythingyouarecomfortabletellingmeaboutyourselfwouldbemorethanIknownow.With that, I leave theball in your court. I look forward to hearing fromyou, andhopeyouarewell.Sincerely,RyanKramerExcerptsfromLance’sreply:DearRyan,I'mverypleasedtohearfromyou.Mygreat hope is that youwill use yourgifts for the service ofmankind, solving theproblems that threaten the survival of the human race in the long run, or buildingtoolsthatwillenableotherstosolvetheseproblems."Withgreatpowercomesgreatresponsibility,"astheysaidinSpiderman.MoreoverIhopeyouwillworktoenableustobemoreintelligentasarace.Ihopeyou'llcultivatealoveforreading,especiallyaboutleadership:theworldneedssmartleaders.Youlookalittlelikemeatyourageinyourpicture.Ihaveanaboveaverage IQ,butsodoesvirtuallyeveryone Iworkwith–smartsarehelpful,butmethodologyandpeopleskillsarealsovitalinlife.Idon'twantANYpublicityforbeingasperm-donorfatherrightnow,butIamthrilledtobeyourgeneticfather.I'm happy to exchange emails with you for now, but we will have to build anyrelationshipslowly.Bestregards,Lance

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Ryanresponded….Lance,Iamverypleasedtohearfromyouaswell.Youemailwasveryinspiring,andyouseemlikeaverygoodperson,thekindIwouldgetalongwith.Idon'tknowifyourememberthisornot,butontheprofileyoufilledoutwhenyouwere19,yousaid"Educatethechild,raisehimorherwithoutanybiasofanykind.Teachhimorhertotrustinothers,buttorelyonself.Instillinhimorherasenseofhumor,andtheability to enjoy life." Iwasblownawayby your intelligence and insightfulness atsuchayoungage.Itwasoneofthefewthingsonthatprofilethatwaspersonal,notjustaphysicalcharacteristic. Ialwaystookittoheartanduseditasagoldenruleforlife.1stofall,thankyouforansweringmyquestions,IcouldnothelpsmilingasIreadyourresponses.Wesharealotincommon,anditisnosurprise.Ioftenseethingsinmyselfthatclearlydidnotcomefromthematernalsideofmyfamily,andwonderabouttheirorigins.ThingsI'minterestedin,physicaltraits,waysImoveorspeak,foods I likeor (moreoften)don't like, andmuchmore. Learningmoreaboutyouwillbeanenlighteningexperienceforme,nodoubt.Inregardstoyourquestions,collegewentverywelllastsemester.My1stsemester(fall 2004) was actually quite shaky. I took General Chemistry, Calculus 1, andIntroductiontoAerospaceEngineering.IgotanF,C,andArespectively.Thetruthis,collegewasakickintheteethat1st.Ihadbecomesoaccustomedtobeingboredin high school, when I started college, I had a rather large rude awakening.Chemistry(whichisnotmyfavoritesubject,tosaytheleast)wasthemostdifficultforme.Calculuswasveryfunandveryeasytounderstand,butduetoafewstupidmistakesonexams,Iendedupwitha C. Intro to Aerospace, however,was very easy and enjoyable. Second semesterwasaloteasier.ItookChemistryagain,andjustfortheGPA,Itookcalculus1againaswell. IalsoaddedanEngineeringProjectsclass.Thistimearound,I landedA'sandB's.Myprojectsclassprovedtobequiteenjoyable.Iwastheleaderofateamof5,andwehadthesemester todesignandbuilda"sustainabledevelopmentproject".Myteambuiltahydrogencollectionandstoragesystem,usingelectrolysis.Thissummer,Iplantorelaxandridemymountainbike.InMay,mymotherandIspent twoweeks inTurkey,whichwasvery fun.Wespentsometime in Istanbul,thenafewdaysontheMediterraneancoast,aswellasa5-dayboatride.Wehavetraditionally gone to Europe every year since I was 8 with the exception of lastyear.Travelinghasbeen perhaps the greatest learning experience of my life. I've learned so muchabout history and culture,muchmore than I could ever find in a textbook. I amgratefultoherforprovidingmewiththatopportunity.

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Forthisfallsemester,IamregisteredforCalculus2,Physics1,IntroductiontotheHumanities, Introduction to Civil Engineering, and a 1-credit work group. I havebeensetonAerospaceformanyyearsnow,butrecentlyhavedevelopedaninterestinCivil.IamtakingtheintrotoseeifitsreallywhatIwanttopursueadegreeinornot. Iamalso looking forwardtophysics,as itwasoneofmy favoritesubjects inhighschool.Finally,Ihaveafewmorequestionsforyou,ifyoudon'tmindansweringthem.Forstarters,whatkindofmusicdoyou like?Music is a largepartofmy life, andmyiPodisusuallyrunningatleastafewhoursaday.Irecallyoulikingmodernrockonyourprofile.I'maclassicrockkindaguy…LedZeppelinorBobDylanwouldbemyfavorites. How aboutmovies? I like The Thing, The Shawshank Redemption, theoriginal StarWars and The Shining. You said that Keyboardwas to be a "futurehobby"ofyours.Didyoueverpickitup?IbeganplayingkeyboardwhenIwas5,andplayeduntilIwasten.Ithenstudiedviolinforayear,andthencelloforafewyears.Irecentlyboughtanelectricguitarandhavebeenlearningafewthingsonithere and there, but am looking forward to learning the bass as well. You alsomentionedplayingultimateFrisbee.Doyouplayonanysortofateam,or justforfun?Iaskbecauseitoneofmyfavoritesports.Anyway,IhopeIdidn'toverloadyouwithquestions.Remember,youdon'thavetotellmeanythingyournotcomfortablewith.Also, I would like to assure that that I completely respect your request for nopublicity.Iunderstandcompletely,andIwillmakesurenottomentionanyofthistoanyoneotherthanclosefriendsandfamily.Yourrequestsaremytoppriority.Anyway,thepictureintheDenverPostwaskindofsmall,soifyou'reinterestedinseeinga largerpictureofme, Ihaveattachedone. It isofmehikingwalking inariverinturkey.Anyway,I'dbettergo,butthankyouagainforyourresponse,andIlookforwardtohearingfromyou.RyanP.S.Iwashappytoseethatyoumentionedspider-maninyourmessage☺. RyanandLance communicatedbyemail over the summermonths following theirinitial exchangebut the length and frequencyofmessagesdiminishedduring thattime.ButRyanwasbuoyedbyall thepositives thathadhappened—hehad foundLanceandconfirmedthatLanceisagoodperson.Lancewaskindtowardshim,andRyannowhadacompletemedicalhistory.Hewasjubilantalsotohavefreedhimselffromthecontrolofthespermbank.Soallwasmostlygood.Ryanremindedhimselfthatevenifcontactpeteredout,“whenIturn18Icangetonaplaneandgoshakehishand.”

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As it turnedout,Ryanwouldnotbewaitinguntilage18 foravisitwithLance. InAugust,asurpriseemailarrived.Init,Lancewrotethefollowing,“WouldyouliketocometoCaliforniatomeetmeandyourgrandparents?” Thisunexpected invitation,withit’scleardeclarationthatRyanandLance’sparentsarekin,sentRyanandhismom over-the-moon with excitement. Their state of wonder increasedexponentially when Lance sent detailed, yet Mission Impossible-type instructionsfortheirtravels. DeterminedtokeepOprahoutofthepicture,Lancewassendingthemtoaspecificairport,withcontinuedinstructionstorentacarandcheckinataspecifichoteltoawaitfurtherinstructions.WendyandRyan,veteransofsome“ourlivesfeellikeamovie”momentswhentheywentonnationalTV,surelyfeltthisallthemoreastheydutifullyfollowedLance’sinstructions. “Checkitout.Seethatkid?He’smyson.”WendyrememberscascadingfeelingsofgratitudewhentheyarrivedintheirhotelroomandweregreetedbyabasketoftreatsandasweetnotefromLance’smom.Aretiredteacherandartprofessor,sheprovidedthemwithaneducator’swelcome—therewasadviceonwheretogoandwhattodoandjusttherightmixof“munchies”for a teenage boy and hismom. She also included her phone number. Later thateveningWendycalledthenumber.Thetwowomenspoke foraboutanhour,withWendy takingdetailednotes forRyan to readwhilehe (literally)bouncedaroundthe room. The followingafternoon,afteravisit to themuseumthatLance’smomhad suggested, and while waiting in line at Banana Republic, another call came.CallerIDdeclaredthisonewasfromLance.“Youanswer it.”“Noyou!”“Noyouget it.” “NoYOU!” WendyandRyanended thiscomical rapid-firephonevolleywithWendy taking thephoneandhearingLance’svoicefortheveryfirsttime.Hegaveinstructionstomeetinonehourinthelobbyofthe hotel. Wendy and Ryan raced back to the hotel to change and then movedrapidly intomeeting-our-donor-for-the-first-time rehearsalmode. Ryan againwas(literally) bouncing off thewalls as they prepared for themeeting- jumping fromone bed to the other and doing flips in over-the-top emotional and physicalexuberance.“We decided we’d time it perfectly so that we would exit the elevator and casuallystrollintothelobby.Thereisonlyonechancetomakeafirstimpressionandwewereon it. We wanted that first impression to go well. We wanted to look a lot morenonchalant than we were actually feeling. So we rehearsed- we took the elevatordown, found no Lance, took the elevator up and repeated this drill several times. Iwanted to instill some humor into a potentially stressful scenario for Ryan, so thecomedyroutinereallyhelped.Ultimately,weoptedforperchingourselvesbehindtheadjoining bar, giggling all the while, and making our “casual” entrance from thatdirection.”Andthenithappened.

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Youngmenwalkedinandoutofthehotellobbybutwhenhearrived,therewasnomistakingLance. HewastallandphysicallysimilartoRyanbuttherealgiveawaywashissmile.AshecamecloserWendynoticed,“hehasRyan’steeth!”andthen,“hehasRyan’s eyebrows!”And there theyweremoments later;Wendy is shaking thehandof themanwho“isjustasmuchrelatedtoRyanasIam.” Itwashumblingforher tobewith “theotherhalfofRyan’sDNA” andutterlymagnificent tobeable towatchherson’sdreamcometrue.Mom,sonanddonordadproceededtoarestaurantwhereRyanandLancepromptlyraisedtheirhandstotoucheachothertocompare,thentheirfeet.Wendyobserves,“Iguess it isa ‘guy thing.’Thiswashowthey first connected.” She,meanwhile,wasfascinatedtoseehowsimilartheirwalkswereandastheystrolledtotherestaurant,Wendystayingbehindafewfeet,amusedathowotherwomenwerewatchingLance.Sowhatdoesateenager,whohasbeensearchingforyears,saytothismanhehasfinallyfoundandwhatdoesaman,whoneversoughttobefound,saytohisnewlydiscoveredbiologicalson?Theirswas,notsurprisingly,simpleconversation.LanceaskedRyanaboutschool.Theyaskedeachotheraboutinterests,tastes,preferencesinmusic,food,etc.ThethreetalkedformorethananhourandthenLanceofferedupanotherunexpectedinvitation:tohisparent’shomefordinner.DinnerwithRyan’sbiologicalgrandparents, like lunchwithLance,wentverywell.Wendyrecallsbothvisitsbeginningprimarilywithnervousness,giddinessandlightconversation—people simply getting to know each other. Yes, there was nomistaking thatLancehad identifiedhisparentsasRyan’sgrandparentsbutat thisinitialvisit,therewasnodefiningorcategorizingofrelationships.Thiswassimplyatime of getting to know—and like-- each other. In the first few minutes Wendygently andwith humor acknowledged the nervousness felt by all, as Lance’s dadquicklyofferedupaglassofwine.As the evening unfolded, everyone became more relaxed and when the doorbellrang therewas even amoment of levitywhenLance quipped, “ThatbetternotbeOprah.”Infact,itwasthepizzadeliveryguy.Although things got easier and more relaxed over the course of that first visit,Wendy says that itwould be a long time before shewould see her son relax andtrulybehimselfwithhisnewlyfoundgeneticfamily.“Foronething,thestakeswerehigh.Theycouldnothavebeenhigher.Ryanneededandwantedthemtolikehim.Foranother,we are very different people. Ryan and I and our family are all expressive,exuberantpeoplewhoarenottheleastbitreluctanttoshowourfeelings.Lanceandhis parents tend to be more reserved. At one point, years later, Ryan’s donorgrandmothersaid tome, ‘we’re justnotvery funnypeople.’” WhichWendy actuallythoughtkindoffunny.The final morning of that weekend visit was breakfast again at Lance’s parent’shome. “I remember the smell of cooking French toast, watching Ryan and his

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grandfather sitting at the piano, grandfather playing a beautiful tune, with Lancelookingon.”Wendyaddsthat itwasallwithasenseofunrealityanddisbeliefandsheerwonder.Thiswasafamilygatheringtogether.Thiswasallsonaturalandyetso wildly unexpected. “The icing on the cake or the cinnamon on the French toastcamewhenLance’smompranced into the roomwearinganapron, spatula inhandand began singing. I’m not sure how—or if—I held back tears at this point. I waswitnesstoRyan’smostferventdreams—andthensome—comingtrue.”Morethanelevenyearshavepassedsincethis initialmeetingandbynow,Lance’sparentsandRyanhavelongsinceestablishedagrandparent-grandsonrelationship.How did this unfold? It advanced when they all came to Colorado for severalvacations, including forRyan’s graduation and celebratedwith theKramer familyoverthecourseofafewdays.AnditwassurelycatapultedalongbyRyan’sdecisiontoattendgraduateschoolatUSC(obtainingthesameengineeringmaster’sdegreeasLance),averyshortdistancefromthegrandparent’shome.Itwasfurtheredalsobyhisdecisiontorentaplaceonlyabikerideawayfromthemandbytheirgraciouswelcomeandoffersofdelicioushomecookedmeals.AndRyan’sgraciousresponseto his grandfather’s questions about his printer helped a lot.No longerwasRyanwalking on eggshells. They were all off good behavior. The man who somewhatreluctantly introduced himself to Ryan’s landlord as his grandfather, wasincreasingly comfortable peppering his grandson with computer and printerquestionsandofferingvaluablegrandfatherlyadvice.Ryan remained in Pasadena, living near his donor grandparents for 18 months,finishing his master’s in engineering and then onto a job at the Jet PropulsionLaboratory. Long since secure in his relationshipwith his grandparents and theywithhim.Meanwhile,Wendyhad grown closewithRyan’s newgrandmother andthatrelationshiphasflourishedovertheyears.“Oursisarelationshipthatcannotbedefinedbywords,”Wendysays.Shegoeson“itcannotbesaidtobe‘likeadaughter-in-laworlikeasister-inlaw.’Sheisthegrandmothertomychild,andIamthemotherofhergrandchild.It’saunique,standalone,oneofakindspecialbond.”Ryan’srelationshipwithLancewasalsohelpedalongbygeographyandbymutualeffort.RyanmovedtoSanFranciscoin2014foranewjob,makingiteasierforhimto get togetherwith Lance “as friends.” In 2016Ryan took a job at Google’s LifeSciencesdivisioncalledVerily.Thesedaysthetwomenmightmeetafterworkatabar,asSanFranciscansdoandtherearetimeswhenLanceincludesRyaninapartyorgatheringheathishouse. WendyhasonoccasionbeenpartofthesevisitsandonebaroutinginJanuary2015asastandoutevent.“IwasintownvisitingRyanandLancesuggestedweallmeetforahappyhourpartyatabarindowntownSanFrancisco.WearrivedtoapackedhousebutspottedLanceat a distance.Ryanand I began snakingourway through the crowdandaswegotclose,IheardLancesaytoafewguysaroundhim,“Checkitout.Seethatkid?He’smyson.”WendyrealizedthenhowmuchshehadlongedforLancetobeproudofRyanandthere itwas, loud,clear,determinedconfirmationof thatpride. “Check itout.

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See that kid? He’s my son.” Words that this mother, who had done it all, hadwaited24yearstohear.Itgotbetter.LancecontinuedandexpandedhispraiseofRyanandseemedtoabsolutelydelightinpeoples’responsestoRyanincluding,“Youguyslookalike.Areyoutwobrothers?”AndasmuchasLancerelishedbraggingaboutRyan,hedidnot,foramoment,attempttotakeanycreditfromWendy.OnlytoohappytogivecreditwherecreditwassurelydueLancetoldallthatwouldlisten,“Shegetsallthecredit.Sheraisedhim.SheisRyan’smom.”SiblingConnections—FoundandNotFoundonOprahand60MinutesandtheDSRAlthough finding his donor was Ryan’s original goal and remained central, theDonor Sibling Registry’s name speaks to the significance that sibling connectionstookonalongtheway.Asofthiswriting,RyanandWendyareawareofsevenhalfsiblings. These includethetwogirlswhosemomcontactedtheKramer’swiththeemail heading 1058 and include one half-brother whom they learned about onlyrecently. However, itwastheconnectionsmadewithfouryoungwomenbetween2005and2008thathavealsobeen important inRyan’sexperienceof “findingmypeople.”FirstcameTiffanyin2005.Sheis6monthsyoungerthanRyanandborntoasinglemotherwho latermarried. In tellingher shewasdonor conceived,Tiffany’smomadmonished her from ever searching. But as a bright and curious teen, Tiffanysearched on her own and found Ryan. She contacted him and a flurry of excitedemailsfollowedbetweenthetwohalf-sibs.Ryanwasjubilant,asuntilthispoint,theonlysiblingshehad“found”didnotevenknowtheyweredonorconceived.Wendy,however,wascautious.ShetoldTiffanythattheywouldhavetobringhermomintotheloop.Timing canbeeverythingand for a time, it seemed that timingofferedTiffanyanideal way of telling her mom. The previous fall, Wendy and Ryan had beencontactedby60MinutesandthetapeoftheirshowwasgoingtobeairedinMarch2006. TiffanytoldtheKramersthatshewouldwatchtheshowwithhermomandthatwhenRyancameon,shewouldsay,“thatboy—heismybrother.”Onboardwiththisplan,Wendy sentTiffanyanote forhermom,explainingwho theywere, andhowthisconnectionbetweenthetwokidscouldbeapositiveexperienceforall.SheandRyanwatched60Minuteswithmultifacetedexcitement—theywerethrilledtohaveyetanothernationaland respectedvoiceand theywereequallyeager togetTiffany’scall.First, thegoodnews.The60Minutesshowwasahugesuccess. Itbrought28,000visitors to the DSR inMarch, up from the usual 8,000. Andmore important, in a

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typical month there are 30-50 matches. In March of 2006 538 people matched.Anotherbig triumph forRyanwas thathewasable to successfullynavigate somedelicateterritoryofprivacyandsecrecy.Lancehadmadeitveryclearthathewouldcutoffcontact ifRyanacknowledgedhehadfoundhimbutawarethat60Minuteswouldhavetoaskthedonorquestion,Ryancameupwiththefollowingresponsetothe “did you find your donor?” question. “I prefer not to talk about my personalsituationwithmydonorbecauseitcouldcompromiseanyfuturecontactImighthavewithhim.”CorrespondentSteveKroftagreedthatthisanswerwasacceptable.Now the tough news…the call from Tiffany never came. As they waited for thephone to ring, Wendy and Ryan came to realize that something must have gonewrong.Indeed,Tiffany’ssweetandinnocenteffortstosharehergoodnewswithhermomfellonharshears.Hermotherdeclared,“Thosepeoplearenotyourfamily”andwiththat,tookTiffany’sphoneandshutdownherMySpaceaccount.Afewmonthslater Tiffany sentWendy a lovely Mother’s Day card accompanied by a sensitivenote.Therewerea fewadditional communicationsbutTiffanyeventuallystoppedallcontact.Ryan has always felt different—he was exceptionally intelligent and donorconceived—and he longed to connect with others like him. “Like him” could bethroughgeneticconnectionsbuttheirexperienceontheDSRremindedbothWendyand Ryan that this was not all about genetic connections: simplymeeting otherswhowerebrought intothisworldthroughanonymousdonationwouldbehelpful.And it was with this knowledge of what it meant to “find his people” that RyanbecameanhonorarymemberofDonor66’soffspringgroup.Ithappenedsomethinglikethis…WendyreceivedacallfromamomwhohadtwochildrenthroughDonor66.ShehadconnectedwithamomwhosetwingirlsalsocamefromDonor66.Shewas calling to say how grateful she was to the DSR and to ask advice about thefamily’sfirstmeeting.Andthencamealongtwoothermomsandtwomorekids.SixDonor66offspringandRyan.FourDonor66momsandWendy.TheyalllivedintheDenverareaandtheyenjoyedspendingtimetogether.ThepiecesofRyan’scomplexidentitypuzzlewerebeginningtofittogether.Itwasmeaningfulforhimtobewithotherswhohadthedonoroffspringexperienceregardlessofwhotheirdonorswere.And he continued to seek genetic connections. He would find his people in bothgroups.Getting togetherwith theDonor66 groupwasbeen easy forRyan andWendy asthey live in theDenver area. They got togetheron a fairly regularbasis enjoyingbarbecues, media events, holiday celebrations and in some instances, strongfriendships. Althoughnotconnectedgenetically, forRyantheDonor66teensandyoungadultsareverymuchhispeople.February2007:Ryanbecomesthe2,910thpersontobematchedontheDSR.EnterAnna.Wendy was at work when the match came on her computer screen. Her initialsurprise and delight was soon clouded by fear. Seeing that Anna, who was born

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threeyearstothedayofRyan,wasonly13,Wendyfearedthattheywouldhaveyetanother Tiffany situation. She was relieved to quickly learn that Anna’s parentswereonboard,somuchsothatithadbeenwithherdadthatshesignedontotheDSR.Anna’smom’sinitialemail:DearWendy,My daughter, Anna just responded to a posting by you regarding donor number1058.This is the first timewehaveexplored the registryandareveryanxious tofindoutifyoursonisindeedamatch.MyhusbandandIallowedAnnatoregisterherselflastnight,withoursupervision.Sheis13yearsold,andwasbornonMay22nd,1993.OurdonorwasanEngineeringstudent.Hewasborn in1967.Hehasonebrotherwho isapilot.Doesanyof thissoundfamiliartoyou?Asyoucan imagine,weare looking forward toa responseandhope tohear fromyousoon.'Regards,AnnMarie(Anna'sMom)Robert(Anna'sDad)“When I read this Iwas giddy. And in shock. AnnMarie and I spoke by phone andduringourcall,Itoldherthateventhoughwereessentiallystrangers,thatwesharedsomething so precious.Wequickly shareda little about each of our kids, andAnnaaskedtospeakwithmeso thatshecouldaskquestionsabout theotherhalf siblingsthatweknewabout.”LaterthateveningRyanandAnnaconnectedonlineviainstantmessaging.OverthenextfewweeksAnnMarieandWendyhadseveralphonecallsandeventuallytheyallhadagroupphonecall.TheytalkedaboutmeetingandallwantedthattohappenASAP. ABC's Primetime had expressed interest in updating a story that they haddonemore than four years ago onRyan and the beginnings of theDSR, and theythoughtthatRyanandAnna'smeetingwouldbeaperfectupdate.Amonthlater,WendyandRyanflewtoNYCandalmostinfrontoflivecameras(thecamera folkswere thankfully abit off track),AnnaandRyanmet inCentralPark.Wendy remembers it as if was yesterday, “We were all extremely excited. Ryanbought Anna aUniversity of Colorado sweatshirt. Themorning of themeeting eachfamilyhadacameracrewtowalkwithtowardseachotherinCentralPark.Theyhadsetameetingplace,butbecauseofdisorganization,ourtwofamiliesbasicallybumped

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intoeachotherwalkingalongtheparkroad.Itwastremendous.Weallhugged,andthesmilesonAnna'sandRyan'sfacesweretelling.Therewasanundeniablebondandrecognitionofthefamiliarinoneanother.Theparentswerescouringthefacesofthekids, looking for similarities. Itwasveryemotional forus,andamazing tomeet thisyounggirlwhohadbitsandpiecesofmysoninher.IwasoverwhelmedwithgratitudeforAnna'sparentsthattheyhadbeenhonestwithAnnaandhonoredhercuriosityandneedtosearchforandconnectwithRyan.WhileAnna'smomandIhadamoreobviousbond,IfeltextremegratitudeforAnna'sdad.Iwassoimpressedthathehadputanypossible fears or concerns about Anna finding biological family to the side, insteadhonoringhisdaughter'sneedstoconnecttothatinvisibleandunknownpartofherself.We spend the first hour or so asking each other questions, taking pictures andcomparingnotes.RyanandAnna'ssmilesseemedpermanentlyadheredtotheirfaces.Therewasasenseofpeaceaboutthebothofthem.We spent the next 48 hours getting to know each other and marveling at thesimilarities(anddifferences)inRyanandAnna.Itwascleartous,thateventhoughwehadjustmet,thatwewereconnectingasfamily.Strangetobegettingtoknowfamilyforthefirsttime.Wewerelayingthegroundworkforaconnectionthatcouldlasttheirlifetimes.WemadeitclearthatRyanandAnnawouldbedefiningtherelationshipandthattherewasnopressureforittolookanycertainway.Wealsomadesurethekidsknewthattheirrelationshipat13and16wouldcertainlychangeanddevelopastheyyearswenton.Fornow, theparentswouldmost likelymake the logisticalplanning,butthiswouldonlybebasedonthedesiresofbothAnnaandRyan.AnnaworeherCUsweatshirtwithpride,despitethe75degreeweather.”ThetwofamiliessharedalovelyweekendandRyanfinallyhadhislongawaitedhalfsibling.AyearlatertheygottogetherasecondtimecelebratingRyan’s18thbirthdayandAnna’s15th.TheywouldbetogetheragainforRyan’scollegegraduationwhereAnnaandherparentswouldgettomeetLanceandhisparents.AlthoughLancehadearlieron“banned”photos,Wendy ishappytoreport thatshehasanynumberofphotosofanynumberoffamilymixesatRyan’sgraduationparty.2008 and another Oprah show. As with the first, the show brought many newmemberstotheDSRandamongthemwereNatalieandKristinawhoturnedouttobe Ryan and Anna’s half sisters. Their mom had watched the Oprah show andreachedouttoWendyabout“thatladyandhersonIjustwatchedonOprah”,notfullyrealizingthatWendywas“thatlady”!ThemompostedhertwodaughtersontotheDSRassheandherhusbandwereinfullsupportoftheirrighttobecuriousandtoknowtheirdonorkin. SincetheylivedinBostonandAnnaandherfamilywereinNew York and all wanted to meet, Wendy and Ryan flew east for another NYmeeting.“BythistimeRyanandAnnawerepros.”Wendy remembers. “Theyledthewayandmade it easier for Natalie and Kristina. They provided the girls with medicalinformationandansweredquestionstheyhadaboutLance. Theyalsohelpedsetthe

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pace and tone for how the four teens would get to know each other and begin toestablishsiblingbonds.Gameswereplayed,andteenshungout,asteensdo.AsRyanhadlongsincelearned,“Itbeginswithsimpleconversation.”ItwouldbesonicetobeabletoreportthatallproceededsmoothlyanduneventfullywithRyanandhishalfsistersbutthishasbeenastoryof joyanddisappointment,unexpected delights and some bumps in the road.While they have enjoyed somegoodtimestogether,includingaweekendinwhichallthreeEastcoastgirlsspentaweekend at theKramer’s home inColorado, onebump in the road cameviaDNAtesting—theverytoolthathadledRyantoLance.In2012WendywascontactedbyanewDNAtestingcompanywhowereofferinganew testing tool that couldbeofgreatbenefit todonor families inparticular.Thecompany—whichwillsurelygounnamedhere—neededthreedonorfamilygroupstotestthemothersandthehalfsiblings.WendyandRyansignedon,Annaandhermomjoinedin,asdidNatalieandKristinaalongwiththeirmom.Thecurveballthatno one ever saw comingwas thenews thatAnnawas “not genetically related” toRyan,NatalieandKristina.Thisscientificuntruth,testedtwice,anddeclared“100%accurate”bythenotedscientistattheDNAcompany,sentalltheparticipantsintoatailspin.ItwasconfusingandhurtfultoallbutmostdifficultforAnnawhohadherunfolding identity temporarilychallengedandsnatchedaway fromher.UltimatelyandonlyafterWendy’ssheergritprevailed,Anna’sgeneticconnectiontotheotherswasconfirmed.Aswithmanyhalf-siblinggroups,distancecanbeamainfactorwhendeterminingtheprogressionandclosenessofnewlyfoundgeneticrelatives.Havinghalfsiblingsspreadacrossthecountry(ortheworld)canmaketheconnectionsmoredifficulttodeepen,asspendingtimetogether ismorechallenging.Aswithanyfamily, it’s thepeopleyouseemostoften,andthosewithwhomyouhavethemostincommon,thatyouseemtoholdmostclose.Ryanandhishalfsistersnowhavebusyadultlives,soget-togethersjustdon’thappenasoftenaseveryonewishes. AndHereWeGoAgain…Over the years,Wendy and Ryan have hadmany conversations about howmanysiblings he might have. They have worked with various numbers and somehowlanded on “between 20-30.” Wendy explains that they really don’t know. At onepoint,CaliforniaCryobankhadtoldthem“one.”Thenthetalkativewomantheretoldthem“many.”ThebanktoldLance12.Thosewerethereports.Thentherewerethefacts.Lancedonated three timesaweek for fiveyears. Eachdonationcouldhavebeensplitintobetween8-24sellablevials.WhenWendyandRyanranthenumbers,they found that there could have been asmany as 18,000 sellable vials of sperm.“We’llgowith20-30.”Wendysaid.

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In 2008 Ryan was aware of 6 half sisters, the three he had met, the two whoseparentswould not tell them that theywere conceivedwith a donor, and the onewhose mother had forbid all contact. Wendy says that in some ways, this wasenough.RyanhadhadhisquestionsansweredandhealsofeltthatheandtheDSRwere visible enough that others could find him. “Still there was some curiosity,“Wendy says. “Whyallgirls? Ryan couldn’t helpwonder if hewas the onlymaleoffspring.August2016:enteranewhalfbrother.TheemailcameAugust22,2016. Theheadingwasfamiliar.“Donor1058? Itwasanothermotherwriting.ShehadreadanarticleaboutWendy,RyanandtheDSRintheNYTimesandasked,“Isyouractualdonornumber1058?”Wendyrepliedthatitwasandwithinmomentsthetwomomsweretalkingbyphone.Theothermotherexplained that she had a son,who is a year younger than Ryan,who did not yetknow he was donor conceived. His parents would soon be telling him about hisconceptionandaboutRyan.Wendywouldsoonlearnthatitisverydifferentwhenpeoplearematchedasadultsthan as children. And she observes, “men do things different thanwomen.” WhileWendyandRyan’snewhalfbrother’smomareformingareallynicefriendshipandhave enjoyed long telephone conversations, Ryan and his new half brother havethusfarhadlimitedcontact.Theyhaveexchangedemails,andspokenbyphonebutneitherseemseager—atthispoint—formore.Althoughcloseinageandsharing½theirDNA,theyareindifferentplacesintheirlivesandhavehadvastlydifferentlifeexperiencesregardingdonorconception.WhattheexperiencewiththenewhalfbrotherandhismomconfirmsforWendyisthatdonorconceptionconnectionscomeinallflavors.Sheisespeciallyfondofthisnewmomandtheyseemtohavealotincommonthatgoesbeyondtheirsons’DNA.Wendy hopes they will forge strong bonds. In some ways this is similar to herexperiencewithLance’sparents—sheisclosewiththegrandmother,Ryanisclosewith Lance andhis parents andRyan’s half sisters and their families haveno on-goingcontactwithLanceorhisparents,althoughonehalfsisterrecentlyexpressedinterestinreachingouttoLanceandhisparents.Wendyisfriendlywithoneofthemoms, but not so much with the other (since the DNA debacle). All flavors. Allshapesandsizes.Everchanging.LessonsLearned:WhyTellOneFamily’sStoryLookingbackatthe26or16-yearpointdependingonhowyoucount(fromRyan’sbirthorfromthebirthoftheDSR),WendyandRyanhavelearnedalotthattheyfeelisrelevanttootherdonorfamilies.Whileeveryfamilyisdifferent,thesearesomeofthemessagesthattheywanttopassontoothers.1.Parentsneedtolistentoandheartheirchildrenandtrusttheywillguidethem.As

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theylookbackontheoriginsoftheDSRandonRyan’ssearchforhisdonor,WendyandRyanbothacknowledgethattheirshasbeenajourneyinwhichshefollowshisleadortheymoveforwardtogether.InWendy’swords,“RyanandIheldhandsandjumpedofftheclifftogether.Wedidn’tknowwhowewouldfindorwhowouldfindusbut we were able to take each step—and make each leap-- because we had eachother’shand.”Sadly,WendyandRyanhaveencounteredparentswhoinWendy’swords,“actoutoffearnotlove.”“Itisnotenough,”Wendyobserves,“forparentstotelltheirchildrentheyweredonorconceived.Theymustalsoacceptandhonortheirchild’srighttobecurious,theirrighttosearch,theirrighttofindandtoconnectwiththeirfirstdegreegeneticrelatives”.2.Wendyisoftenpuzzledwhenpeopleaskherwhyshedidn’tclosedowntheDSRwhenRyan foundhisdonor. She isequallypuzzled,whenpeopleassumethat forher,theDSRwassimplyabusinessventure.ItwasneitherabusinessventurenoratooljustforRyan.AstheDSRhasunfolded,ithasbecomecleartoWendyandRyanand all those active in it, that the DSR’s mission extends beyond searching. Itincludessupportforthedonorfamilycommunity,educationandadvocacy.Wendycaneasilyrememberatimewhenspermdonorswereoftenwomen’sgynecologists,whenspermbanksofferedalmostnoinformationaboutdonorsandsurelywhennooneconsideredtherightsofdonoroffspring.Changewouldnothavecomeandwillnotcontinuewithouteducationandadvocacy.3. Many assume that the donor conceived people posted on the DSR are onlyinterestedinknowingaboutwhotheirunknownbiologicalrelativesare.Formanythough,it’smuchmorethanthat.Itisadesiretobeknown.Ryanwantedtofindhisdonor but more importantly, hewanted his donor to know that he existed. It alsomatteredalotthathecouldseekandsearchonhisowntermsandnotbedictatedbythespermbank’sseeminglyselfservingrules.Theage18isarbitrary,asmanydonor-conceived people, like Ryan, have established enriching relationships withtheirdonors longbefore the ageof 18.Ryandidnot feel itwas right for a spermbank towithholdessential informationabouthisancestryandbiological relatives,notevenofferingupapossibilityofmutualconsentcontact.4.Donorconceptionrelationshipscannotbenamed.Peoplemaytrytosay,“Itislikea special aunt” or it is “like a close cousin” but donor kinship cannot be named.Donor family connections rely onmutual consent. Thiswas somethingRyan fullyunderstoodatayoungage. AsWendyandRyan identifieddonorsibs, thereweretimeswhentherewasmutualconsentandsadly,timeswhenitwasabsent.IthasalsobeeninterestingtoWendyandRyantoseehowRyan’shalfsiblingshaverespondedtoconnections.Anna, forexample,metLanceandhisparentsatRyan’scollege graduation and all shared a warm family weekend together. And yet, toWendyandRyan’sknowledge, therehasbeen little follow-up.Lance’sparentsareveryclearthatRyanistheirgrandson.Infact,Lance’smomsaysshewentthroughagrievingperiodoverhavingmissedthefirst15yearsofRyan’slife.Bycontrast,they

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donotseemtoregardAnnaastheirgranddaughter,nordoesshereachouttothemas grandparents. Take away message? Sometimes genetic connections lead to astrongsenseofkinshipandothertimes,theydonot.5.Living inan “” instantaneous” timemakes itdifficult towait. Beingon theDSRinvolveswaiting.Not for all. Not all the time. But long stretches of time can passwhenone is simplywaiting. RyanKramer isExhibitA—he founded theDSRandwaited seven years to become the 2,910 donor offspring tomatch.His half sisterAnnamatchedtheverysecondshejoinedtheDSR.6. Navigating donor relationships always involves the balancing of privacy andsecrecyandsortingoutwhen,ifever,the“rights”ofthedonorsupersedetherightsofthechild.7.Languageispowerfulandcanbeunsettlingfordonorfamilies.Wendy’sapproach,fromthestart,wastohaveRyantaketheleadwithlanguage.Fromthetimehewasinpreschool,shelistenedashetriedonandexperimentedwithwaystotellhisstory.Sherealizedalongthewaythatheneededtotrywordson,toexperimentwiththem,todetermine forhimself,what felt right.Sheknewthatwordsare justwordsandtheydonotdefine relationships. She stoodbyasRyan triedonwords like “dad”,“donor dad” and “father” and “grandparents,” knowing always that nothing Ryanwouldsaywoulddiminishhisrelationshipwithher.Infact,atonepointhesaidtoher,“YouknowthatIhaveonlyoneparentandthatisyou.” Therehavebeentimes,also,whenshehasseenthatwordscanbeusedforconvenience.Forexample,RyanwasatLance’shome forasmallpartyrecently.Anotherguestwalked inandsaid,“HeyRyan,where’syourDad?”Ryanrememberspausingforjustamomentandthenrespondedwithasmile,“He’sinthekitchen.”Wendy’sadvicetootherdonorparentsistotakenoticeifthereisawordthatreallytroublesthemandifso,tothinkaboutwhyitsetsthemoff.

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