1. AND

2. POINTS DISCUSSED IN THIS PRESENTATION SIGNIFICANCE OF NIKAH IN ISLAM CRITERIA TO SELECT SPOUSES OBJECTIVES OF MARRIAGE IN ISLAM MUSLIM MARRIAGE CRISIS An epidemic: Unmarried and over 30 Delayed marriages- new trend in late adulthood Immigrant families issues Issues specific to African American Muslims Issues related to revert Muslims Divorced or widowed Muslim Men and Women Shortage of resources 8 WAY TO FINDING GOOD MUSLIM SPOUSE 12 WAYS TO A HAPPY FAMILY (12 Fs) 3. Marriage is a law of Allah (SWT) And of everything We have created pairs: that ye may receive instruction. (Zariyat,51:49) O mankind! reverence your Guardian-Lord Who created you from a single person created of like nature his mate and from them twain scattered (like seeds) countless men and women; reverence Allah through Whom ye demand your mutual (rights) and (reverence) the wombs (that bore you): for Allah ever watches over you. (Nisa, 4:1) 4. ISLAM URGES MUSLIMS TO GET MARRIED Marry those among you who are single or the virtuous ones among your slaves male or female: if they are in poverty Allah will give them means out of His grace: for Allah encompasses all and He knows all things. (Noor, 24:32) 5. Prophet (SAW) urged young people to get married 6. CRITERIA TO LOOK FOR IN A SPOUSE 7. Accept the proposal for marriage- if you are satisfied with Deen and character TIRMIDHI 8. CRITERIA TO SELECT SPOUSE 9. CRITERIA TO SELECT SPOUSE 10. Explanation of this Hadith This also means, Mary a man for four reasons. So sisters also get to choose their spouses. Many people think this hadith means to marry only one who is religious. Everything else does not matter. This is incorrect. It means if you find a man/woman who is religious, it is good If you find a man/woman who is religious and beautiful you have two of four good qualities If you find one with all four qualities, you hit the jackpot Prophet Mohammad (SAW) did not marry anyone when he was married to Khadija (RA). She was beautiful, came from noble family, she was wealthy and she had Deen. She was the epitome of a perfect woman. 11. Objectives of Islamic Marriage And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in peace and tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are signs for those who reflect" (Quran 30:21). Tranquility, Mawaddah, Rahmah Procreation To achieve Ihsan by fulfilling natural sexual urges for the purpose of procreation strictly in marriage. Fulfilling and satisfying parenthood instinct in loving family environment. Stronger society with high morals. Proper distribution of tasks. 12. MUSLIM MARRIAGE CRISIS Young Muslim men women who really want to get married face a myriad of issues finding a good match. Issues are as diverse as the American Muslim community scattered all over the country A major deterrent to suitable match is few meeting venues and forums Adherence to cultural norms and expectations Generational disparity Neglect of Islamic standards 13. An epidemic: Unmarried and over 30 There are extra ordinary number of very educated women in their thirties and above who can not find a spouse Women in their late 20s and early 30s, urged to be educated all their lives, settle into their careers or studies suddenly become less desirable to some men. Many educated men marry outside of their community, race or religion Men are not as bound by the ticking biological clock factor Men can usually( but not always) find a wife when they get serious about marriage 14. Alarming facts At any Muslim marriage event, there are more female attendees than males ISNA marriage banquet sells out for the womens section weeks in advance while men stroll in at the last moment At Rahmah Marriage Bureau in Baltimore, there are two women for every man in the database At a local marriage brunch, many of the women attending were born and raised in the US, educated and articulate. Most of the men at the brunch were first generation immigrants, without large local network 15. Regrettable consequences Fewer marriages Practicing good sisters may never get married Single families Broken homes Young Muslim girls when compare life of Mumin versus life of dominant culture , latter may appear more alluring with opportunities In another generation , we end up in a community with large number of sisters either not married or married outside faith Children grow up thinking having children of their own in two parent home is high ideal 16. Emerging late adulthood 5 Milestones of adulthood defined by psychologists: 1. Completing school 2. Leaving home 3. Financial independence 4. Marriage 5. Have a child New York Times: 1960- 77% of women and 65% of men 2000- < 50% of women and 33% of men American society in general is seeing trend of delayed marriages Adults see marriage as capstone rather a cornerstone- Brookings Institute It means they do it after they have all their other objectives in life 17. Reasons for delayed marriages amongst Muslim Youth-(Survey by Al-maghrib) For Men 1.Parents 2.Career & Finances 3.Education 4.Fear of rejection 5.Commitment For Women 1.Fear of control 2.Intimidation 3.Wait for suitable proposals 4.Education 18. Immigrant families issues Parents disregard the fact that their children are raised in the West Some elements of their personality are influenced by the West Parents believe that a spouse from their country would be better They believe their culture, ethnicity and religion will be better preserved Elitism, looking at the class and career Dowry (Mahr, Sidaaq) is major issue faced. Context differs in ethnicities South Asians with daughters- expected to give hefty gift to the groom Arab and African- demand for large mahr deters men from proposing and offer of too little mahr deters women from accepting 19. Immigrant families issues In South Asian Culture arranged marriages are prevalent. Some men and women complain about too much interference of parents In cultures ( like Somali community) where arranged marriages are not prevalent, young people are finding it extremely hard to meet some suitable match Somali community in Fairfax, VA has substantial number of unmarried women in late thirties An unmarried sister from this community said, I am a devout Muslimah and my religion tells me not ever to date a guy. I along with many Somali females are now in their 30s and single. The older generation needs to change its disgusting norm 20. More issues Waiting for older sisters to get married first. There are young men who are well established but have older sisters in different stages of their education and careers. Culture dictates them to wait for their marriage Tribalism- more than racism is prevalent. A matchmaker in Baltimore area for more than 24 years says, We get requests that cand idate must be Indian and not Pakistani, Durrani not Mazari,must be African American and not African. Unrealistic focus on physicality- Some people are too picky. They want someone who looks like a model. Muslim men pursuing women who are not practicing and without hijab Social media has made it more difficult as there is little accountability. It is easy to cross boundaries Increased physical mobility is a hurdle also. If one works at one place but has his family or friends circle somewhere else, it is hard to make connections at either place 21. Issues specific to African American Muslims In an African American only Facebook Forum, questions were asked about barriers they faced in getting married: 1.Women blame the lack of good Muslim men 2.Men blame the lack of good Muslim women. They have idealistic notions of a good Muslim woman. 3.Some blame media gloom and doom portraying myths about black marriages 4.Racism is faced by a large number of people trying to get married 22. Issues related to revert Muslims Many reverts are often urged to get married as soon as they take Shahada. They are still learning and get high pressure to be married With no family or support system, many turn to the imam to act as their wali Majority of the time, imam does not know them Many are influenced into decisions that are not culturally suitable to them. When women and men are introduced by the imam, they do not share their legal or financial history Lives we live as Muslims must include who we are, where we come from Many have dealt with prison and abuse and need to be deprogrammed 23. Divorced or widowed men & women They face even harder road to marriage The stigma is so huge. They are divorced and then divorced from the community EternalGarment.com is a new website which caters to the previously married men and women Salaam Nikah is a local service offered for divorced and widowed Muslims by Islamic Center of Northern Virginia 24. Shortage of resources Imams say they are overwhelmed with other duties Others do not want to take responsibility of making a bad match Many religious leaders do take an active role in arranging events and suggesting matches to their community members Islamic Centers MSA, ICNA, ISNA On line marriage sites Local professional match makers Volunteer match makers (Khalas and Aunties) Facebook Groups 25. 8 WAYS TO FIND GOOD SPOUSES Dream of sisters- Marry the amazing brother who has: Character of the Messenger of Allah Iman of Abu Bakr (RA) Courage of Hamza (RA) Wealth of Abdul Rahman Ibn Awf (RA) Dream of brothers: Marry that Hoorul Ain who lost her way from Jannah This is all day dreaming and one must be realistic 26. #1 Dua My Lord, I am ever needful of any favor that You may send my way. (O Allah, I beseech Your mercy, so do not abandon me to my own devices even for an instant; and straighten all of my affairs for me.) (O Allah, make me self-sufficient with what You have declared as halal for me and make me self-sufficient with Your favor so that I do not need to look to others for favor.) 27. #2- Sincere Intention Marriage is part of faith and make intention to marry to complete your faith. Make intention to follow the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (saw). Before marriage, intention should be I am looking for someone with whom I will build an Islamic family. Marriage is a commitment and relationship that starts in this Dunya (world) and will continue Insha Allah in Paradise together. 28. #3- Preparation for marriage Some people rush into marriage They think since they are physically ready, they should get married Even Prophet (SAW) said that those who have the means to get married should do so. Means does not just refer to mature body or even cash. It means mentally stable, mature and able to cope with responsibilities of married life. Even though love is the key element in marriage, it is not always what keeps marriage going. Your spouse and children are your responsibility and you will be held accountable for it 29. #4-Involve your parents Most boys/girls are too shy to bring subject of marriage up to their parents Some are afraid parents may look at them as victims of teenage hormones. Others are afraid if they involve their parents, they will feel pressured into marrying them to someone they do not like Bring the subject to your parents who will consider your best interest If you are shy, then speak to our sister or brother who could bring the subject to their attention. Ask your parents to look for a suitable match. Final decision still lies with you 30. #5- Be realistic If you think that you will marry that one complete person who has everything, you will never marry and that is harsh truth Sisters like to marry a super pious person, who owns a house, has a car plus he should be real knowledgeable. We often forget that when you marry someone, they still have their whole life ahead of them. Most of the wives of major scholars married them when they were no body. Similarly, you teach your wife all the knowledge you have after marriage 31. #6-Be at good places Volunteer at the masjid Attend study circles and lectures at masjid Be part of Islamic organizations activities Be part of Islamic social service activities Attend regional and national conventions Matrimonial meetings at Islamic conventions 32. #7- Befriend good pious people This will open the door for networking with good people and families These could be friends you meet at masjid or big events like conventions. These individuals must be practicing Muslims who can then introduce you to others in their circle. Some of them may be looking for good spouses Just do not become that one sister or brother who always talks about marriage and the opposite gender. You may get labelled as thirsty if not worse 33. #8-Avoid Facebook Spouses We spend lot of time on social media and like to fulfil all our needs on it Everyone tries to seem holier than they really are on line. You may find about person you met on internet, that he /she is not regular in Salah. He/she has tons of friends of opposite gender. He/she forgot to tell you about smoking habit etc. If a person is really serious about marriage proposal, drop him your walis number then you will know how serious the person was. Consider a match-making site as last step. In terms of sites Pure Matrimony is the best one out there. 34. Steps for parents and families to facilitate marriage The family enquires, discusses, and suggests candidates from among the network of people that they know. They consult with each other to narrow down potential prospects If the young couple and their families agree, the couple meets in a chaperoned, group environment. Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, "Not one of you should meet a woman alone unless she is accompanied by a relative (mahram) If the couple seems compatible, the families may investigate further - talking with friends, family, Islamic leaders, co- workers, etc. to learn about the character of the potential spouse Before making a final decision, the couple prays salat-l- istikhara (prayer for guidance) to seek Allah's help and guidance. Islam has given this freedom of choice to both young men and women - they cannot be forced into a marriage that they don't want 35. A Beautiful Dua for marriage 36. 12 (Fs) Fundamentals of a Happy Marriage 37. 1-Be Forgiving Spouses must be able to forgive one another Must not hold grudges Must not be judgmental towards each other Situations will arise where we say or do things that hurt our spouses. The challenge is not to dwell on it or lay blame but to move past it. This can only happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we are not stingy to forgive. If we hope for Allah to forgive us then we must learn to forgive. 38. 2-Be Willing to Forget When we constantly remind our spouses of all the times they have let us down or hurt us, we have not truly forgiven. Things that happened in the past must be left there and not be used as fresh ammunition in new situations. Couples who use this technique usually fall in a rut and become victims of their own pettiness, unable to break free. 39. 3-Be Flexible Many couples unnecessarily make themselves miserable because they are unwilling to bend a little. We should not expect our spouses to be extensions of ourselves; they are their own person, with their own personalities and likes and dislikes. We must respect their right to be themselves as long as it does not compromise their deen. Being inflexible and not accommodating for individual differences leads to a very stressful and tense home atmosphere. 40. 4-Be Faithful It is commanded by Allah (swt) that we be faithful to our spouses. Adultery is a crime in Islam that is punishable by death. Maintaining friendships with the opposite sex beyond the boundaries set by Islam is being unfaithful to spouse. The latest trend of Internet relationships is also contrary to Islamic adab and is causing serious problems between couples. Once a sense of betrayal sets in repairing that relationship is difficult. Betrayal of confidences. This is a trust issue and when compromised, that eats away at the heart of a marriage. 41. 5-Be Fair Usually when we are angry or displeased the tendency is to not play fair. We try to convince ourselves that since we have been wronged it is OK to be unjust in our behavior and our statements. Allah (SWT) states in the Quran, do not be unjust under any circumstances, even to your enemy, and here we are talking about our life partners and the parent of our children. To use words such as never and always when describing the behavior of the partner is unfair and puts the other on defensive. 42. 6-Be Flirtatious A sure way to keep romance in a marriage is to flirt with your spouse. Many successful marriages have maintained a youthful demeanor by adopting special names for each other and secret communication styles. It is essential that your spouse always feel special and desired. 43. 7-Be Frank Misunderstandings happen when couples are not honest with each other. Partners must feel safe to speak their mind with due consideration to the others feeling, but without compromising their own views. When the communication is not frank it hinders the development of closeness and deep understanding of each others inner self 44. 8-Be a facilitator When choosing our life partner, we must as the Prophet (SAW) advised look for a pious Muslim. The reason is that, their first and foremost goal is the pleasure of Allah (SWT). This commitment to Allah(SWT) makes them an excellent facilitator for enhancing their partners spiritual development. In essence the couple facilitates their familys commitment to Allah (SWT)) and His deen. 45. 9-Be Flattering Paying compliments and indulging in honest flattery is a very inexpensive way to win your spouses heart. Every one likes to be appreciated and noticed. So being miserly about compliments is actually depriving one self of being appreciated in retur 46. 10-Fallible It often happens that our expectations sometimes are so high that we lose sight of the fact that we are fallible beings. When couples start to nitpick and demand the impossible they must remind themselves that only Allah (SWT)) is perfect. 47. 11-Be Aware of Feelings Prophet Mohammad (SAW) stated that Allah(SWT) forgives all sins if we repent but not those we have committed against others, i.e. hurt their feelings, unless the person we have hurt forgives first. Couples are sometimes very careless when it comes to their spouses feelings; They take them for granted and assume that the other knows what they mean. It is surprising that people are more sensitive and courteous to strangers than they are to their loved ones. One must be ever vigilant and careful that they do not hurt the feelings of their spouses If they do they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one does not know when someone they love will leave this world, is it not better to make amends when we have the time? 48. 12-Be Fond of Each Other So many times couples fail to work on developing fondness for each other They ignore to see their spouses as people through the eyes of their respective friends. Spending quality time alone doing and sharing activities are ways in which one can develop fondness. 49. Dua And those who pray "Our Lord! grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous Furqan,25:74