The White Family

The White Family

A Simple Look at One Families Attachment Issues

Lacey Desper

Johnson County Community College

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Abstract

The point of this paper is to discuss Attachment Theory as it relates to White Family; taking care

to look specifically at Adult Attachment Issues and their relationship to childhood development

theories. Looking at the personal views from a mother, and correlating those remarks to real life

issues and their realities.

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The White Family Life Situations

When you take a first look at the White family, they appear to be a family that has it all

together. They are extremely supportive, caring and seem to be helpful people. Though, like

many families there are issues under the surface, which is kept blind from the rest of the world. I

started dating the oldest son in July of 2008. We were married quickly, with some mitigating

circumstances; which at this time is honestly unnecessary information. We were informed very

shortly after getting married, that I had little time or choice, if I wanted to have a baby it was

now or never. This situation accelerated a relationship with my husband’s family, while at the

same time was throwing the last sticks of deconstruction on the relationship with my own. To be

honest, I really do not regret ending the relationship with my family of orientation, in most ways

I have found the family I always needed with my family of procreation.

Let’s start our look into this family with the self-proclaimed patriarch Dan Sr. who is for all

intents and purposes in his immediate family the authoritarian parent. He rules with an iron fist,

his rule is law and anybody disagreeing with his point of view brings a flurry of angry words and

fighting. I myself butt heads with him more than most people in the family, but I don’t put up

with that type of personality; so it is to be expected. He joined the military shortly after

graduating high school, and stayed in the military until he retired at thirty-eight. He then joined

the police department and just recently retired from the police force a few years ago. It would

seem his career choices match up to his authoritarian parenting style. He has become a bit more

passive with age but, this is not the way he raised his children. When his wife was asked about

his parenting styles she answered, “For the most part yes, he tends to be the “fly off the handle

type sometimes but I am the “mediator” but we do believe in the same values system and that the

kids need Stability and Consistency.”

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The matriarch of the family is Susan White; she has been married to Dan Sr. for thirty-six

years. She is what you would consider a passive person, always working and the background and

doing anything she can to help. She does all the chores and asks for no extra help from her

spouse. She lives within the traditional bounds of marriage, and seems content to stay there. She

married immediately after high school and was quickly whisked away into the life of a military

spouse. This was quickly preceded by the birth of her first son Dan Jr. While, Susan appears to

self-identify with the authoritative parenting style this is once again something that has been

grown into with age. I have spoken with her on many occasions about speaking up; it is slumped

away and mostly ignored. I have a good example that will shed light on the nature of her

relationship with her husband. On the day of my daughters preschool orientation she came with

me and my husband to see the school and spend some time with us, when twenty minutes after

arriving she announced she had to leave. Why did she have to leave? Her husband just arrived

home from fishing and she had to get home to cook him dinner right now! I was appalled and

extremely upset, why is he not capable of waiting another thirty minutes? Why can he not eat a

piece of toast until she gets home? This is the nature of their relationship, and it is the same role

Susan has taken with her children. She rules with a permissive parenting style and while her

husband is an authoritarian, it was her permissive parenting style that was with the children most

often.

The first born son is my husband Dan White Jr, as notated above we were married in 2008;

so I have had a fair bit of time to observe his family. My husband while seemingly unscathed by

severe mental issues that impair him in life seems to lack the fundamental ability to live by

himself or take care of himself. One might gather from the way Susan bends the needs of her

husband, that she might also do so with her children especially her first born son. Susan was a

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military spouse alone in another country with no family. It would be assumed that she clung to

her children at least while they were young for attention and company. There are times that I am

frustrated with my husband to no end; there are times when I feel more like his mother then a

wife. Dan take a shower it’s been five days since your last shower. Dan go shave you can’t go to

work like that. Dan you can’t wear those pants they have holes in them. Dan take your socks off

when you sleep. Dan you have to wash your hair bar soap is not acceptable. Dan you have to eat

more than one meal a day. Dan you cannot just consume Coca-Cola you must drink water. Dan

you cannot live off McDonalds and potatoes eat some fruit or vegetables. Dan you have to brush

your teeth; you wonder why you have had four teeth pulled out and two abscesses. It is a

constant annoying almost soul shattering battle. He has a very limited capability of taking care of

himself; it was always done for him or just ignored. He lived with his parents until about two

years after graduation, and then left for the military; he lived in barracks for six years. This was

followed by moving in with his parents for six months then moving in with his sister and his

husband. He then moved in with me two months before we were married. He has never lived on

his own, and has never had to handle chores and nutrition

The issues run deeper than just the annoyed bantering is of a wife. . My husband has no

drive and no ambition. He skated through high school doing only the limited amount of work

necessary to pass, and does the same thing now. I dragged him through his associate’s degree

kicking and screaming, I only convinced him to do it by finding out the VA would pay him to

go. My husband is also a chronic collector; before we were married he had thousands of dollars

in comic books, mad magazines, playboys, transformers, magic the gathering cards, baseball

cards the list goes on. He had so many collected items they were stored in a storage unit. He did

to his credit sell his comic books to buy me an engagement ring. With all the information you

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have about my husband it is easy to understand that he had very little dating life. He had zero

serious girlfriends before me and had only had sex twice in his life. While, he claims it was not

for lack of attempt on his part, from the stories he has told me about other girls he attempted to

date; it is my understanding that he acted like his mother in most cases in relation to the dating

process. While, I will be the first to admit that my husband is slowly improving, it has been a

long and exhausting process that truly tests me at times. It would seem my son pulled most of his

personality from his mother.

The second born is their daughter Debra. She is a unique being who has had many issues

since she was young. Susan, in the interview blames it all on being teased as a child for psoriasis

but, it is to be seen if that could be the issue of all the issues she has. Considering, they bounced

around schools while living in the military; it was not until my husband was in the seventh grade

that they finally settled down in one place. While, the constant bouncing could lead to issues

with attaching and bonding relationships with peers I think some of the issues lay closer to home.

Debra has always identified and been closer with her father, even though he was absent working

overnights most of their lives, she has absorbed more personality from her father then her

mother. Which, I concede is why she has so many personality and attachment issues, she

identified and looked up to her father, but he was never around. When asked Susan stated “most

of the time it was me but their dad worked shift work and was not home with them.”

Debra has many issues a few that have been diagnosed but, when you relate the

authoritarian father who was absent most of the time with attachment issues, Susan hit her issues

right on the head but, is just pointing the fault at someone else, “only one of my children have

attachment issues, she would say that she was picked on because she had psoriasis really bad as a

child and therefore she always “fell in Love” with the first guy that came along no matter if he

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was good or bad, Once she attached herself to him she was afraid to lose him so she did anything

and everything that she thought he wanted her to do. She has always looked for unconditional

Love from someone.” During the duration of time I have known Debra she has lived in ten

different places, dated eight different guys. Including, having sex with the guy I was dating when

I met my husband at the same time I was. “This was found out years later.” She recently got

married, which is amazing but the relationship is already having sever stressors. Debra has two

children ages seven and twelve, who are currently living with Susan and Dan. This is not the first

time this has happened, she visits every other weekend or so and calls every other night. This is

the relationship she currently has with her children. While, I have nothing but second hand

knowledge of this apparently not long after her oldest was born she disappeared of the face of the

earth of about two years. Both children have different fathers that she has no contact with now. I

would also like to notate an interesting side thought that she married a man with two children as

well. He also sees them very infrequently.

While, this is honestly just the tip of the iceberg with the issues that she deals with while

studying my DSM-IV-TR I came across a disorder that I was just marveled at how much it

described her. It was Borderline Personality Disorder it is considered a pervasive patter of

instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and impulsivity that begins at young

adulthood. Intense abandonment fears, inappropriate anger and unrealistic time separation issues,

intolerant of being alone and is manipulative, suicidal to gain attention and prone to dramatic

shifts in view of people who they are romantically involved with. This explains her down to a

tee, twice in the six years I have known her she has dropped her kids off at her parents’ house,

and submitted herself to the mental institution because she was feeling suicidal. I curiously asked

Susan with what Debra has been diagnosed with and she stated Bi-polar disorder and Borderline

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Personality Disorder. This made me a bit proud of my investigative skills. Though, if I kept

looking I was bound to find something eventually that fit, and there are probably many that fit

her psychosis.

The last born was Erin, while she seems normal upon first look she like my husband have

issues that while they are annoying and a bit disrupting; she is capable of functioning by herself

well as long as her husband is around. She got married to her husband years before I came into

this family’s life. Generally, Erin is an underachiever like both of her other siblings but she

managed to get her license to be a hair dresser. She had her first and most likely only child two

years ago. The major issues that Erin has are that she is extremely dependent upon her husband

for everything. I would assume that she gets these issues from watching her mother bow down to

her husbands every whim and will.

Erin takes it to a new level, absorbing her husband’s ideas and interests; playing MMO’s

something she never showed an interest in until her husband started playing. Suddenly, she is

into hockey when she never cared for sports a day in her life. This extension of her husbands will

has moved to their son already, rather than watching cartoons the only thing allowed on tv most

of the time is hockey, giving their child no choice but to have an interest in it. This is a simple

example but I think it proves a point. While, her husband is not disliked by my In-laws he does

not come around very often, you can’t have two alpha males under one roof. Though, weirdly

enough Erin’s husband is not just the patriarch of is family of procreation but also his family of

orientation. His father lives with him and until last week his brother has lived with them their

whole marriage. Her husband’s rules apply to all of them and they all go to him for everything.

Erin rarely visits her parents besides holidays and dropping her son off to Grandma for daycare

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but, the moment he goes out of town for work, she is over at her parents’ house every day

without exception. The whole day she refuses to be home alone.

If you have any kind of background in Phycology it should be easy to pinpoint as

Dependent Personality Disorder (which now that I think about it, could almost be applied to my

husband as well.) It is characterized by an inability to function correctly without the help of

others, difficulty with every day decisions, and difficulty with imitating projects dependently but

can work if given directions; considered a tag along in their social and personal life. They

generally avoid being alone for any duration of time and avoid positions of authority

management. All these things are issues that I have seen in Erin, and the more I look at it the

more I see it in my husband. It might be worth noting that the DSM-IV-TR did notate that this is

the number one encounter and diagnosed Personality Disorder in Mental Health Clinics.

After looking at the issues, that the children have and looking at the parents, it would seem

that even parents with the best of intentions can harm. Susan and Dan even with their flaws are

the best set of parents I have ever had and they are my third set. Though, just because they are

good grandparents and doing well now, does not mean that they were so calm and collected on

their own children.

The best I can do is watched their mistakes and attempt to fix these issues with my child. I

actively force my husband to send time with my daughter every day. Playing games, reading or

putting her to bed; he often complains about having to put her to bed each night but that is their

time. He sees it as me being lazy but that is not the case. It has been a working progress to stifle

some of the temper he inherited when I married him but, he has come leagues in respect to that.

With the right kind of love and support most personality disorders are curable with counseling

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and guidance, which is good. You must be able to see past these issues, I know I did when I

finally saw the light within my husband.

The funniest thing about our relationships is that when we met and a mutual friend

attempted to set us up at a poker game. I told him that Dan was a “sad, angry little man and it

would never happen.” It was only four months later that we were married. It is funny how life

works out like that. In conclusion, it is by looking at the past and acknowledging our own faults

and the faults of the people around us that we are capable of attempting to fix our issues, and

stopping the transfer of these issues to the next generation. While, I know I did not mention the

life that either of my In-Laws lived while they were children. I can promise you that they did

leagues better raising their children than their parents did for themselves. It is these improvement

generations after generation that will give us a better future and help us resolve issues that have

built up.

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Bibliography

Berk, L. E. (). Development through the lifespan (Sixth Ed.). :

Cherry, K. (n.d.). Parenting Styles. . Retrieved July 5, 2014, from http://psychology.about.com/od/developmentalpsychology/a/parenting-style.htm

Cherry, K. (n.d.). What Is Authoritative Parenting?. . Retrieved June 3, 2014, from http://psychology.about.com/od/childcare/f/authoritative-parenting.htm

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (). (2010). Personality Disordrs. Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing Inc..

Marriages, Families & Relationships: Making Choices In A Diverse Society (11th ed. / Lamanna & Riedmann / ISBN: 9781111301545)

Zayas, V., Mischel, W., Shoda, Y., & Aber, J. L. (2011). t Roots of Adult Attachment : Maternal Caregiving at 18 Months Predicts Adult Peer and Partner Attachment. Social psychological and personality science, 2(3), 289-297.

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Appendix

Interview of Susan White

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Interview of Susan White

I interview Susan White, who is my mother-in-law, after six years of having been inserted into her family’s lives I thought she would make a good resource for an interview. Susan is 53 years old with three children and four grandchildren; she started her life in the lower middle class and moved up to middle class within her lifetime. She is white, and has been married to the same married for 36 years. I interviewed her in her house in her living room, on 6/14/14. I would like to compare the parenting style that the individual identifies with in correlation to the parenting styles that she actually is. Also, how they have evolved as individuals from the time of their children to how they handle their grandchildren.

I. How many children do you have?R. 3

I. What is your name?R. Susan WhiteI. How old are you?R. 53

I. Did you plan on having that many children?R. yes maybe more

I. Do you have grandchildren?R. yes

I. What has been your role in their life?R. I have been grandma to 2 of my grandchildren and have acted as the parent (mother) to the other 2 for a good part of their lives. By grandma I mean take those places, have them over to my house for play time and other activities, acting as a mother I have had the two grandchildren living with me and caring for them when their mother has not been able to.

I. Give a brief description of your background prior to having children?R. I lived with my parents till I finished high school, I got married immediately after high school I worked until for about three years, then l had my first child,

I. When did you marry?R. at age 17

I. How long have you been married?R. 36 years

I. What economic class were you raised in?R.I was raised in the lower class, we were just above the poverty level.

I. When your first child was born what was your socio-economic status?R. My husband was in the Air Force we were probably considered low income

I. Is there a success difference in your children?R. yes

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I. Do you find you have more troubles with any one child then the others?R. yes

I. How would you describe your parenting style?R. open communications, allowing the child to talk about whatever and answering their questions, explaining to them why and what we expected them to do and why. If they did something wrong we talked to them to explain what they did and asked them why they did whatever it was and then gave encouragement so that they knew we loved them and that we knew they could do better.

I. How supportive would you say you were of your children and their endeavors?R. very supportive

I. Do you believe there are any areas in their development that you could have done a better job?R. no we did the best we could

I. Looking back is there anything you would change in how you raised your children?R. I don’t think so

I. Do you believe your husband had a healthy relationship with your children?R. most of the time

I. Describe the relationship you viewed your husband had with your children?R. He worked shift work and was not home during their at home time, but he was the stronger disciplinarian of the two of us, he did play with the kids and kept an open line of communication with the kids, he tried to be involved as much as his work schedule would allow in their activities.

I. What kind of moral views do you say you raised your children with?R. to give respect to others and then you will get respect from others, be honest and you have to work for what you want.

I. Was the views your raised your children with considered normal for your time?R. I believe so

I. Did you have any views that were controversial during raising them?R. I don’t think so

I. How were you raised?R. to respect my parents and elders, I was raised in an Alcoholic home and was exposed to a lot of verbal abuse that my parents gave each other, I knew they loved me but they had their own problems they were dealing with.

I. What was your relationship with your parents growing up?R. good

I. What affect do you think your socioeconomic status has had on your parenting abilities?R. when the kids were younger we could not afford to do things like take them to the circus or things like that but we took them to the park, played outside, had water gun fights and activities

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like that, If we would have had more money than we would have liked to taken to the circus and such, But we always kept food on the table and clothes not always new clothes maybe second hand but clean, they had what they needed, maybe not everything they wanted.

I. Did you feel opportunities were closed to you because of your socioeconomic status?R. no

I. Do you feel any of your children have issues with attachment?R. yes

I. Do you feel you had any role in that?R. no

I. Can you pinpoint why you believe these children have these issues?R. only one of my children have attachment issues, she would say that she was picked on because she had psoriasis really bad as a child and therefore she always “fell in Love” with the first guy that came along no matter if he was good or bad, Once she attached herself to him she was afraid to lose him so she did anything and everything that she thought he wanted her to do. She has always looked for unconditional Love from someone.

I. What advice would you take away from your experience to make the parenting experience for new parents easier and more reliable?R. Always listen to your kids and they want you to be a part of their lives, play with them get down on the floor with them to play, as they grow continue to be involved with their interests, they don’t need all the newest technology to be Happy, they need your time and for you to be involved If at all possible one of the parents need to be a stay at home parent, kids need love and stability and consistency more than new toys. Of course they need discipline as well but consistent not erratic discipline they need to know that they can’t get by with whatever it is that they can’t get by with every time they do that.

I. Do you think that all your children have healthy relationships with their spouses?R. No, one of my daughters does not have realistic views and has very little self-confidence and a low self-esteem, therefore she tends to “cling” and become obsessive compulsive in her relationships, now she is married but she is still showing some OCD tendencies towards her husband

I. Would you say your husband and you have the same parenting style?R. For the most part yes, he tends to be the “fly off the handle type sometimes but I am the “mediator” but we do believe in the same values system and that the kids need Stability and Consistency

I. When your children had issues, who did they prefer to speak to about them?R. most of the time it was me but their dad worked shift work and was not home with them

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