family mediation quarterly summer 2011

Vol. 10 No. 3 Summer 2011

M C F M

FAMILY MEDIATION QUARTERLYM C F M

FAMILY MEDIATION QUARTERLY

INSPIRING SETTLEMENTS SINCE 1982 • INSPIRING SETTLEMENTS SINCE 1982 • INSPIRING SETTLEM

ENTS

SINC

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MCFMMCFM

The Massachusetts Council On Family Mediation is a nonprofit corporation established in 1982by family mediators interested in sharing knowledge and setting guidelines for mediation. MCFMis the oldest professional organization in Massachusetts devoted exclusively to family mediation.

PRESIDENT’S PAGE

Family Mediation Quarterly

[email protected]

As the summer moves into a lighter work load and vacation time, I find myselfreflecting on the lessons of my first year as MCFM president. At this moment, theexperiences that stand out the most in my mind are those of learning to trust, tolean on, and to value my Board of Directors. In addition to our truly wonderfuladministrator, Ramona Goutiere, we have a truly wonderful Board of Directors.The smooth and collaborative energy of our once-a-year all-day Long RangePlanning meeting in early June was, to me, a delight to behold (if there were otherpoints of view, I haven’t heard them!) Your Board gives of their time and energywith no remuneration except for a cafeteria dinner every couple of months (unlikesome other boards recently in the news….)

The two most recent past presidents — Kathy Townsend and Lynda Robbins —have unfailingly been there to coach me, to provide needed information, and Kathyhas also gracefully shouldered the burdens of Treasurer in addition to chairing theNominating Committee (which, with the help of Marion Wasserman and JonathanFields — who is also our loyal scribe — helped give us our newest and excellentBoard member, Barbara Kellerman). Les Wallerstein continues to create andproduce this publication — truly the voice of MCFM. Laurie Udell is again busilyplanning our fabulous yearly Fall Institute, with its history of rave reviews. A priorBoard member, Laurie Israel, spent a big chunk of last summer revamping ourwebsite, with the help of Tracy Fischer (who has also taken on the chairpersonshipof the Certification committee), Lynda Robbins, and the able addition of KateFanger. Rebecca Gagné, Tanya Gurevich, and Fran Whyman have reviewed andimproved our Membership policies. John Fiske and Steve Nisenbaum are againbusy creating quarterly members’ meetings that have proven so popular we’veneeded to find more space for them (stay tuned for a particularly exciting event forour April meeting). Diane Spears is gearing up to help create a celebration forMCFM’s 30th anniversary in 2012. Bill Leonard’s efforts are bringing our audio-visual capabilities into the current century — and he keeps us laughing too. Ourloyal western Massachusetts contingent (Kathy Townsend, Mary Samberg, MarySocha) drives for hours to contribute to each of our Board meetings. I’m runningout of space here, but you get the idea.

So when September arrives, I’ll be happy to continue the work in support of thisprofession we love — with this collaborative and hardworking Board.

Kindred mediator spirits are welcomed to join us — our spring election is open tomembers in their second year of membership — how about you?

CONTENTS

25 MCFM News28 Announcements

34 Join Us35 Directorate

Summer 2011 • Vol. 10 No. 3

1 GREYING By Gail L. Perlman

6 FEAR AND DIVORCE: A FOUR-LETTER TOOL FOR MOVING THE DIVORCE PROCESS FORWARDBy Marion Lee Wasserman

8 MISLEADING NOTES IN THE MA CHILD SUPPORTGUIDELINES By June Adams Johnson

10 TRANSPARENT MEDIATION: GIVING AWAY OURSTRATEGIES By Alan E. Gross

13 TRACKING NON-ADVERSARIAL, NO-FAULTDIVORCES IN MASSACHUSETTS: 2005 – 2010

15 MCFM MEDIATOR PROFILE: Betsy Williams

16 ULTIMATE CONFLICT RESOLUTIONBy Oran Kaufman

20 DIVORCE HUMOR By Pete Desrochers

22 MASSACHUSETTS FAMILY LAW: A Periodic Review By Jonathan E. Fields

23 WHAT’S NEWS? National & International FamilyNews Chronologically Compiled & Edited By Les Wallerstein

COPYRIGHT NOTICEMCFM grants permission to reproduce and disseminate

articles & graphics provided that MCFM and the authors are credited, each author consents

and distribution is not-for-profit.MCFM © 2011

36 Editor’s Notice

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GREYINGBy Gail L. Perlman

Editor’s Note: The Mediation andTraining Collaborative (TMTC) inGreenfield hosted “CelebrateMediation” on June 2, 2011, and theauthor was their keynote speaker.

The signs came slowly – in briefannouncements given months andmonths apart, no thread of consciousreason connecting them. They cameas jokes, really, and not until the 3rd

sign did I see the thread ofcommonality, the suggestion thatsomething was happening thatneeded our attention.

• In the first sign, the DailyHampshire Gazette about a year agolisted a “mediation” program beingoffered at an Ashram. Didn’t we oldtimers spend our first ten years inthis field teasing that mediation inthe public media was alwaysmisspelled “meditation?” Now, allof a sudden, the typo was reversed,this typo that seemed to define ourearly invisibility. H-m-m-m.

• Then came the new cable showabout mediation titled “FairlyLegal”: the star was interviewedbefore the premiere and said that herrole as the mediator positioned hersomewhere between Law and Orderand Sex in the City. Mediation witha TV show of its own? Mediationand sex in the same sentence? H-m-m-m.

• Then came the newest law showcreated by David E. Kelley, “Harry’sLaw,” starring – okay – KathyBates. USA Today said on January14, 2011, “Kelley says Harry won’tbe a conventional courtroom drama.‘As the series progresses, we spendless and less time in the courtroom.A lot of justice we practice in thislaw firm is street justice that takesplace in bizarre places. A lot ofalternative dispute resolution goeson.’” A David E. Kelley TV serieswith a lot of ADR? H-m-m-m.

Now fast-forward to the report in theWall Street Journal on May 3, 2011of some research on publicacceptance of new ideas. It’s called“Under the Influence: How theGroup Changes What we Think.”Why do so many people start sayingthings like “awesome?” Or startwearing Uggs? How do the rules ofa group and behavioral norms getestablished and changed over time?Experiments show that evensomething very personal like ourtaste in music can be influenced byhow others rate the music we thinkwe like.

Research shows that often aninnovator of new trends or ideas issomeone who is quite isolated fromthe mainstream group. People in thatkind of social isolation tend to be theones to come up with new ideas,says this research. But, before

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Continued on next page

people in the group will take up anew idea, someone pretty central tothe group – much more central thanthe innovator, usually – has torecognize the idea and adopt it.People outside themainstream initiated the ideaof gay rights, but when EltonJohn and Elizabeth Taylorspoke out in support of gayrights, the broad communitybecame more ready to acceptthe idea.

Another finding seems to be thatthe more public the idea or object orbehavior is, the more it is likely tospread – like the colored braceletsthat let you “speak” by yourbehavior in support of a particularcause that matters to you. They’reeverywhere! Will mediation beeverywhere?

Were all the mediation innovatorsaround the country and around theworld – those giants we look up toand identify with – a little outsidethe mainstream culture? And whowere the leaders, then, from insidethe group who took a look at thenew idea and liked it? Somegovernors, some legislators, somebusiness executives, some schoolofficials, some prison wardens,some international negotiators?

I don’t remember Elton or Lizspeaking out in support ofmediation. And forget for a momentthat the mediation TV show is atravesty of real mediation as we

know it and as we want it to beknown. And I don’t think we’re yetat the pink or yellow or orangebracelet stage, but something’shappening out there in the popular

culture, don’t you think? Don’tthese little signs have meaning?Don’t they tell us that the idea ofmediation has come a long waytoward public recognition andacceptance as a common endeavor?

How shall we think about that?Does it take us somewhere wemeant to go, this new-foundbursting into public life of our littlebaby? We sent it off toKindergarten, and now, in the blinkof an eye, it’s trying to be sexy? Doyou think we have to have that littletalk? Will we change because that’snow happened? Will mediationchange? Is this what we wishedfor?

Well, I don’t have the foggiest idea.There’s no predicting specificallywhat happens to ideas that make itinto the marketplace. On the otherhand, we know that powers wayoutside of our own ability to controlthe future do take over and buffetabout a new idea, stretching itsboundaries, challenging its

The idea of mediation hascome a long way toward

public recognition and acceptance as a

common endeavor.

3


principles, burnishing it andbattering it – until we may notrecognize it someday. So, of courseit will change. Of course we willchange. But I think I know us. Wewill not let mediation changewithout a fight to preserve what isalready fine about it. And we willnot resist change that makes it shinein new ways we’ve never dreamedof til now.

And why will we be like this, ourlittle community of slightly-outsiders? Because mediation isdifferent from lots of other ideas. Itgrounds us, it schools us, in theconcept of grey.

Of course, there’s the oldchicken/egg problem: Were wedrawn to mediation because we’reinnately people who love to resist

the poles of absolute certainty andrevel in the delight of complexity,loving to entertain radicallydifferent points of view within onemoment in time, within onecomputer screen of our brain? Ordid our training and practice ofADR teach us to resist the poles andto hold competing ideas in concert?The answer to that one may bedifferent for each of us. But I lovethe idea that there’s an ocean of us

out there now swimming in grey.

And BTW, I’m not talking hereabout the grey of compromise – thatmidpoint between competing ideas.I’m not advocating that every timewe find ourselves mired in thecomplexity of polarized thoughts,we have to give in and compromise.Although in any given mediation orin any given individual action, wemay decide to resolve a complexproblem with compromise. I’mtalking about the grey ofcomplexity. Learning to linger therefor a time, not run from it. Allow ourminds to feel puzzled, confused,overwhelmed, even, (which isusually not a comfortable feeling),but allow ourselves to feel itbecause the embrace of complexitycan enrich us. I’m talking aboutlearning to love that discomfiting

embrace of complexity.

Now, grey doesn’t have agreat PR team in our culture.Grey skies. Grey heads.Grey moods. It’s made up ofall color and no color, the

allowance of not much light. Thegrey area: the desert between oneapparent clarity and another. Itimplies at its worst: somethingnegative. At its best: something dull.Not much respect for grey in sunny,young, upbeat America.

We want our politicians to tell us onthe campaign trail exactly what theywill do when they’re confrontedwith a challenging situation. We

Mediation is different from lots of other ideas.It grounds us, it schoolsus, in the concept of grey.

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press our federal judicial candidatesto expose in advance their decisionson the litmus test questions. We’reimpatient with delay. We’re annoyedwith wishy-washy. We makejudgments about people who don’trespond fast and straight. That’s a yesor no question, sir.

Grey is a problem for people trying tolead an examined but useful life inour culture. On the one hand, there’sthe danger of living entirely in limbo:Seeing grey can lead to stuckness. Areluctance to take action. You’reright. You’re right. We can’t both beright. You’re right. Then what do wedo?

The danger is on all sides: If weimmerse ourselves in the intellectualexamination of the grey, we might notknow how to act. If we act, we mightforget to force ourselves to examinethe grey.

And of course, it’s easier to see greyand not feel stuck when it’s aboutsomeone else’s problem: theneighborhood property line conflict,the couple’s custody dispute, theemployee’s gripe about workplacepolicies, the international borderdisputes.

It’s much, much harder to get to greyin our own lives, on the issues thatdrive us personally, that we careabout deeply. It’s much, much harderto look at the things we think weknow for a fact, the beliefs we live

on, and ask ourselves whether or notthere’s any grey there, whether thepeople on the other side of thosebeliefs have any valid points to make,might hold any deeply humanconcerns that we could empathizewith if only we could allow ourselvesto see the grey.

Remember the mantra of the 60s and70s? THINK GLOBAL, ACTLOCAL.

Maybe the mantra for today could be:THINK GREY. ACT IN COLOR.That is, never give up the complexthought that’s required if we mean tosee and understand the grey in any ofthe issues – all those coloredbracelets and all the thousands ofother vital, vibrant important causeswe choose to involve ourselves with.And then never let the complex greyprevent our taking action on thoseissues – action always framed by,built upon, carried out in concert withour self-imposed complex analysis ofthe grey.

Now, I need to correct myself a little.A few minutes ago, I told you only apartial truth: I said the worst of greywas the implication of somethingnegative; the best was the implicationof something dull. But that’s notentirely right. The best of grey canalso mean something burnished bylife experience, something venerable.Venerable is a word and a conceptmore often associated with ancienthistory than with the modern world,

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more often with other cultures thanwith the youthful United States. Butthe idea of venerable IS embeddedthere somewhere in the definition ofgrey.

Tonight is all about a local andvenerable institution that hascommitted itself for years to helpingus consider the grey. TMTC – itsfounders, its leaders over the years,its roster of mediators, its supporters,its contributors – TMTC has helpedso many of us learn to use greyeffectively and re-learn it andpractice re-learning it over years andyears. The reach of this extraordinaryorganization is felt in westernMassachusetts, across theCommonwealth, and even further asits leaders and followers make theirvoices heard widely and clearly. I

have so valued my association withTMTC as, I suspect, has nearlyeveryone gathered in this room. So,when I say for myself and for all of ustonight that we that we send ourenormous respect and thanks andlove to TMTC – I say that havingexamined the grey and havingdetermined that we can perform thathappy act without one hint ofsomething negative and without onehint of something dull.

Gail L. Perlman is a pastpresident of MCFM, and hasrecently retired as First

Justice of the Hampshire Probate and Family Court. Gail can be contacted [email protected].

“You can’t depend on your eyeswhen your imagination

is out of focus.”

Mark Twain

6


FEAR AND DIVORCE: A FOUR-LETTER TOOLFOR MOVING THE DIVORCE PROCESS FORWARD

By Marion Lee Wasserman

Note: The case facts and client namesused in this article are fictional.

Fear and divorce go together. Pointingthis out to divorcing individuals, aspart of the divorce process can beextremely helpful. “Fear” is apowerful word. It puts the truth of thematter, emotionally speaking, on thetable — plainly, clearly, non-euphemistically. When the divorceclient I am representing is angry at hisor her spouse and feels too hurt tonegotiate, or when spouses in divorcemediation are each so convinced oftheir conflicting positions on an issuethat constructive conversation hascome to a halt, I often find that thisevocative word — FEAR — is a keythat can be inserted into the process tomove it forward.

Take, for example, Matt, a husband inmediation who is angry at his wife,Jen, because, without prior notice tohim, and in violation of a writtenmediation agreement they signed, shehas withdrawn ten thousand dollarsfrom their joint savings account anddeposited it into a new, individualaccount in her name. Even thoughthere is still a hefty sum in the jointaccount, and even though the partiesagreed at the prior session toeventually divide the joint accountfifty-fifty, Matt is hurt and angrybecause Jen moved a portion of the

funds without talking it over first withhim.

In this case, I might say to Matt, “Youknow ... everyone going through adivorce is struggling with a set offears. Everyone. It’s part of theterritory.” (Pause. Matt nods. Icontinue.) “I’m guessing that youhave a set of fears about what thedivorce will mean.” (Matt nods somemore.) “And I’m guessing that Jendoes, too.” (I look at Jen. She isnodding, too.) “You each have adifferent set of fears. But there mayalso be overlap. Some fears may bethe same for both of you. You eachknow what your own fears are. It maybe really helpful to our process if youcan each understand more about theother’s fears.” At this point, I may askJen what some of her fears are. I maythen ask Matt about his. Or I may askeach party to tell us one of the fears heor she thinks the other party has.

In the above example, theconversation about fear leads togreater understanding and empathybetween Matt and Jen. One of Jen’sfears is that she will have troublefunctioning on her own after thedivorce. She opened her own bank

Clients find it a relief todiscuss fear head-on.


7


account in order to have fundsavailable to help her start experiencingwhat it feels like to act moreindependently than she has in the past... especially now that she has movedinto an apartment of her own. Mattbegins to feel less hurt and angry whenhe understands Jen’s fears. Jen, for herpart, apologizes for having actedunilaterally in withdrawing jointfunds.

Although one might expect divorceclients to want to avoid the subject offear, I have found that clients find it arelief to discuss fear head-on.Divorcing spouses are relieved toacknowledge and confront their own

forebodings and to acknowledge eachother’s as well. This acknowledgementcomes from an authentic place in eachindividual, and for that reason it is apowerful tool for moving the divorcesettlement process forward.

Marion Lee Wasserman is afamily lawyer and mediatorwith an office in Newton.She is sole proprietor of

Reach Accord Law and MediationServices. She can be contacted at 781-449-4815, or [email protected]. She invitesyou to visit her website atwww.reachaccord.com.

“The first human who hurledan insult instead of a stone

was the founder of civilization.”

Sigmund Freud

8



MISLEADING NOTES IN THE MASSACHUSETTSCHILD SUPPORT GUIDELINES

By June Adams Johnson

Recently I had the disconcerting experience of having a mediation client tell me thatthe reviewing attorney he consulted said I had calculated the child support wrong.

It was a family where the mother was physical custodial parent and was alsoreceiving SSDI benefits. I had calculated mother’s income to include both her owndisability award and the children’s dependency benefit, and father’s income based onhis verified employment income.

Upon receiving the phone call from the client I consulted the Notes in the ChildSupport Guidelines as to the appropriate influence of an SSDI benefit. They areverbatim as follows:

If a parent receives social security benefits or SSDI benefits and thechild(ren) of the parties receives a dependency benefit derived from thatparent’s benefit, the amount of the dependency benefit shall be added tothe gross income of that parent. This combined amount is that parent’sgross income for purposes of the child support calculation.

If the amount of the dependency benefit exceeds the child supportobligation calculated under the guidelines, then the Payor shall not haveresponsibility for payment of current child support in excess of thedependency benefit. However, if the guidelines are higher than thedependency benefit, the Payor must pay the difference between thedependency benefit and the weekly support amount under the guidelines.Rosenberg v. Merida, 428 Mass. 182 (1998).

The attorney my client consulted interpreted that Note to mean that the wage earnerfather could then subtract from his obligation the amount of the SSDI dependencybenefits the mother was receiving, thereby reducing his own child supportobligation.

Consulting the actual case Rosenberg v. Merida, 428 Mass 182 (1998) cleared up thematter by very succinctly stating that it was only a noncustodial spouse receivingSSDI with a child support obligation that received a credit against his child supportobligation in the amount of the dependency benefit paid to the custodial parent as aresult of the noncustodial spouse disability.

9


I was relieved, but it makes a good practice point.

If the Guideline language is ever revised, the first sentence of the second paragraph should be prefaced with, “For the noncustodial Payor spouse”...making the meaning crystal clear.

June Adams Johnson is a family law attorney-mediator and founder of Common Ground Mediation in Groton, MA. June can be contacted [email protected] or at 978.448.8800

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow.

Learn as if you were to live

forever.”

Mahatma Gandhi

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Editor’s Note: This article is excerptedfrom the full article of the same title available atwww.mediate.com/pdf/transparentmediationgivingawayourstrategies.pdf Readersare welcome to post their comments oneither article atwww.mediate.com/articles/grossa1.cfm

When mediators act as trainers, they oftenoffer classes designed to improve conflictmanagement and to convert disputes intoopportunities for understanding andchange. However, during mediationsessions convened to deal with specificdisputes, these same mediators rarelyshare or explain the strategies that theyadvocate in trainings.

Disputants, in contrast to trainees, usuallyagree to mediate voluntarily as a meansof dealing with conflict or because theyare required to mediate by a court or otherauthority. These mediation sessions,designed primarily to facilitate dialogaimed at increasing understanding andpossibly leading to resolution of aspecific conflict, can also provide anopportunity to acquire and practicegeneral skills similar to those presented intraining classes.

In this note, I will ask you to considerhow and when you and other mediatorsmight reveal and demystify some of ourkey concepts and tools. After introducingthe concept of “transparent mediation”(hereinafter TM) and providing some

examples of its use, I will request somefeedback about how you have used thesetechniques in your own practice.

When parties in a dispute learn how touse and practice these tools, they can beempowered to apply them beyond theinstant dispute that brought them to thetable. A main goal of TM then is to raiseawareness of mediation communicationskills so that they are more likely to beused during the mediation session, andalso taken away from the session andemployed effectively in everyday life.

Making some of our strategiestransparent is not a new idea. Mostmediators at one time or another subtly orovertly make specific practices known totheir clients. For example, a mediatormight ask one party to reflect anotherparty’s position or interest to demonstrateunderstanding. However, what I advocatehere — consciously making an effort toinsert training principles into an actualmediation session — remains relativelyrare. Moreover, the effectiveness of suchtransparent training during a mediationsession, like most mediation proceduresand strategies, has not, to my knowledge,been empirically tested.

Although the conscious practice of TM isnot common and its efficacy has not beenevaluated, the concept of transparencyhas not entirely escaped the attention ofthe field. Notably, almost 15 years ago,Michael Moffitt published a seminal

TRANSPARENT MEDIATION: GIVING AWAY OUR STRATEGIES

By Alan E. Gross

11


article (Moffitt, 1997), “Casting Light onthe Black Box of Mediation: ShouldMediators Make Their Conduct MoreTransparent?”

Although Moffitt never directly answersthe subtitled question, he points out thatnone of the major mediation models haveaddressed the potential utility of TM2, heincludes interesting instances of places inthe mediation process where TM mightbe introduced appropriately and heprovides illustrations of how revealingmediator strategy to parties can be moreor less effective depending on thecontext.

In addition Moffitt distinguishes twokinds of transparency — “process” whenmediators decide to share what strategiesor steps they will employ from “impact”transparency when mediators alsoexplain why they choose to take theseactions. He also conjectures (Moffitt,1997 p.2) that TM is rarely employedbecause mediators fear that TMinterventions are less effective thanstandard non-transparent ones. However,he also hypothesizes (p. 42-3) that

mediators may be more comfortableusing impact-transparent approachesaimed at specific behavior, e.g., notinterrupting, than those targeting analysisor perceptions, e.g. how to think aboutthe problem at hand. How easy or likelyit is for mediators to introduce TM is notnecessarily correlated with the potential

utility of such interventions.

However, despite Moffitt’s clearpresentation and analysis, there has beenvirtually no follow up research or writingon the topic in the decade followingpublication. This dearth of TM researchand application may be related to amediator belief that revealing what theyare doing and why they are doing it cannegatively impact effectiveness.However the relative absence of TMusage may also reflect a professional“posture” found in many fields. Byposture, I mean that some mediators, likephysicians, attorneys, computertechnicians and others, may feel thatsharing strategies and information withthe public they serve will somehow dilutetheir perceived professional expertise andreputation. As mediators, we may beespecially vulnerable to this concern,because unlike our fellow professionalsin law, medicine and science, we use veryfew unfamiliar terms that in moretechnical fields may function as markersof superior knowledge to clients and thegeneral public.

Some of the tools, tactics, principlesand strategies that my colleagues and Ihave shared and demonstrated withparticipants during mediation sessionsinclude active listening especially

reflection, agenda building, reactivedevaluation, reality checks, BATNA,encouraging empathy, generatingoptions, identifying interests,constructive emotional communication,and delaying quick reactions to otherparties. Following are examples first of asample TM opening statement, and then

Mediators rarely share orexplain the strategies thatthey advocate in trainings.

12


how these typical mediator strategiesmight be revealed and explained todisputants at appropriate points during asession.

Opening Statement Afterpresenting an introduction ofthe main elements ofmediation, including valuessuch as neutrality, confidentiality andself-determination, and outlining generalgoals of the process such asunderstanding each other’s points ofview, facilitating dialog, generatingoptions and seeking common ground, asample TM opening might proceed likethis: “As mediators we use certaintechniques to facilitate understanding andconstructive dialog. Occasionally duringthis session I will point out some of themethods we use and that we mayencourage you to try. For example weoften practice a form of active listeningwhere we will reflect back what each ofyou say to see if we have understood youbefore any new information or response isadded to the dialog. After reflecting, weoften check with each of you to make sureyou feel accurately heard beforecontinuing. This is a bit different from“normal” conversation where each partyoften reacts before checking to see if theother party feels understood.”

In addition to pointing out active listeningtechniques, we may use and explain othermediation strategies such as building an

agenda to insure that all relevant issueswill be discussed, and brainstorming togenerate options for resolution. Many ofthese techniques are likely alreadyfamiliar to you; however emphasizingthem may increase your awareness oftheir potential usefulness, and encourageyou to use them effectively when you talkabout the situation that brought you here.In addition, some of the strategies that wepractice today may prove useful in otherconflict situations.”

Alan E. Gross, Ph.D. mediates,arbitrates, facilitates and trainsmostly in New York City wherehe has served as Senior Director,

Training Coordinator, and 9/11 MediationCoordinator for the Safe HorizonMediation Program soon to be known asNew York Peace Institute. He is a Boardmember of Mediators Beyond Borders.Alan can be contacted at 570-643-3434,or [email protected].

What I advocate here [is]consciously making an effort

to insert training principles intoan actual mediation session.

“The road to success is always under construction.”

Anonymous

TRACKING NON-ADVERSARIAL, NO-FAULT

Editor’s Note: Based on data compiled by the Administrative Office of the Probateand Family Court, following are charts tracking non-adversarial, no-fault divorcesin each of the commonwealth’s 14 divisions since 2005. Due to the relatively recentintroduction of data collection for the filing of Joint Petitions, there are only twocomplete fiscal years of data on cases filed as Joint Petitions. Prior to 2009 thenumber of “1A divorces” were reported based on the number of

13


TRACKING NON-ADVERSARIAL, NO-FAULT DIVORCES IN MASSACHUSETTS: 2005 – 2010

Editor’s Note: Based on data compiled by the Administrative Office of the Probate and FamilyCourt, following are two charts tracking non-adversarial, no-fault divorces in each of thecommonwealth’s 14 divisions since 2005. Due to the relatively recent introduction of datacollection for the filing of Joint Petitions, there are only two complete fiscal years of data oncases filed as Joint Petitions. Prior to 2009 the number of “1A divorces” were reported based onthe number of “Findings Under 1A” that were docketed. Accordingly, please note this statisticalcaution: the number of cases listed as “Findings Under 1A” below includes divorces first filed ascontested actions, (either per c. 208 § 1B or on fault grounds per c. 208 § 1), and subsequentlyamended to Joint Petitions. Conversely, the number of divorces reported as “Joint Petitions”since 2009 may not account for all cases that have been initially filed under G.L. c. 208 § 1B orc. G.L. 208 § 1 and later converted to Joint Petitions.

Findings and Order Filed: 2005 – 2008

BARN BERK BRIS DK ESX FRAN HAMD HAMP

Findings Under 1A

FY 2005 379 221 653 30 923 131 531 186

Findings Under 1A

FY 2006 378 223 699 44 946 152 581 187

Findings Under 1A

FY 2007 399 229 765 39 1100 133 565 227

Findings Under 1A:

FY 2008 392 184 759 26 1078 124 553 248


MSX NT NORF PLYM SUFF WORC TOTAL

Findings Under 1A

FY 2005 1628 28 696 529 561 1101 7597

Findings Under 1A

FY 2006 1919 36 785 673 725 1211 8559

Findings Under 1A

FY 2007 2244 31 833 676 812 1279 9332

Findings Under 1A:

FY 2008 2286 35 805 546 644 1205 8885

Joint Petitions Filed: 2009 – 2010


Joint Petitions filed

FY 2009 322 192 525 18 864 113 505 246


FY 2010 370 201 583 28 923 120 553 234




FY 2009 1975 27 723 554 798 1085 7947


FY 2010 2092 44 719 633 913 1216 8629

14


TRACKING NON-ADVERSARIAL, NO-FAULT DIVORCES IN MASSACHUSETTS: 2005 – 2010

Editor’s Note: Based on data compiled by the Administrative Office of the Probate and FamilyCourt, following are two charts tracking non-adversarial, no-fault divorces in each of thecommonwealth’s 14 divisions since 2005. Due to the relatively recent introduction of datacollection for the filing of Joint Petitions, there are only two complete fiscal years of data oncases filed as Joint Petitions. Prior to 2009 the number of “1A divorces” were reported based onthe number of “Findings Under 1A” that were docketed. Accordingly, please note this statisticalcaution: the number of cases listed as “Findings Under 1A” below includes divorces first filed ascontested actions, (either per c. 208 § 1B or on fault grounds per c. 208 § 1), and subsequentlyamended to Joint Petitions. Conversely, the number of divorces reported as “Joint Petitions”since 2009 may not account for all cases that have been initially filed under G.L. c. 208 § 1B orc. G.L. 208 § 1 and later converted to Joint Petitions.



Findings Under 1A

FY 2005 379 221 653 30 923 131 531 186

Findings Under 1A

FY 2006 378 223 699 44 946 152 581 187

Findings Under 1A

FY 2007 399 229 765 39 1100 133 565 227

Findings Under 1A:

FY 2008 392 184 759 26 1078 124 553 248



Findings Under 1A

FY 2005 1628 28 696 529 561 1101 7597

Findings Under 1A

FY 2006 1919 36 785 673 725 1211 8559

Findings Under 1A

FY 2007 2244 31 833 676 812 1279 9332

Findings Under 1A:

FY 2008 2286 35 805 546 644 1205 8885

DIVORCES IN MASSACHUSETTS: 2005 – 2010

“Findings Under 1A” that were docketed. Accordingly, please note this statisticalcaution: the number of cases listed as “Findings Under 1A” below includesdivorces first filed as contested actions, (either under c. 208 § 1B, or on faultgrounds under c. 208 § 1), and subsequently amended to Joint Petitions.Conversely, the number of divorces reported as “Joint Petitions” since 2009 maynot account for all cases that have been initially filed under G.L. c. 208 § 1B or c.G.L. 208 § 1 and later converted to Joint Petitions.




FY 2009 322 192 525 18 864 113 505 246


FY 2010 370 201 583 28 923 120 553 234




FY 2009 1975 27 723 554 798 1085 7947


FY 2010 2092 44 719 633 913 1216 8629

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MCFM MEMBER PROFILE: BETSY WILLIAMS

Address: The Mediation & Training Collaborative (TMTC), 277 Main Street, Suite 401 Greenfield, MA 01301

Website/email: www.mediationandtraining.org / [email protected]

Professional background & mediation history: In 1992-1993 I studied mediationat the year long program at Woodbury College, then located in Montpelier,Vermont. I graduated from that program in August of1993. I then worked as a consultant andvolunteer for TMTC, then FranklinMediation Service, until 1995 when I washired as a case coordinator, mediator andtrainer. I am still employed at TMTCand since May 2006, I have been a Co-Director in addition to my otherresponsibilities.

Describe your mediation practice:TMTC is a community mediationcenter that provides mediation in abroad spectrum of dispute situations,including: divorce, family, small claims,landlord-tenant, workplace, permanency,neighbor, elder and guardianship.

Describe your mediation workspace: We have asuite on the 4th floor of a building in downtownGreenfield, Massachusetts. There are two potential mediation rooms available.

What made you decide to be a mediator? For a long time I had been involved inpolitical actions promoting non-violence and opposing war. This seemed like away to put my personal beliefs into every day action.

Most memorable mediation moment: Watching the face of an incarcerated fatherlight up when he saw a photograph of his daughter, while I facilitated a meetingbetween him and the couple who were planning to adopt his child.

One thing about you that might surprise people: I actually enjoy watchingfootball!

If you could meet anyone, living or dead, who would it be and why? Jesus.Wouldn’t it be amazing to hear about all that stuff from his point of view!

Hobbies & interests: Bicycling, hiking, gardening, singing, and shutting downnuclear power plants.

Some of my most favorite movies: Lars and the Real Girl, The African Queen andThe King of Hearts.

All MCFM members are welcome to fill out the Member Profile Questionnaire foundon the MEMBERS ONLY page of mcfm.org and submit it for publication in the FMQ.

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ULTIMATE CONFLICT RESOLUTIONBy Oran Kaufman

Huck it deep! Nice pull! No break! Greatflick! If you live in Amherst, MA, youare probably familiar with these terms.Anywhere else, maybe, but probablyonly if your child happens to playUltimate Frisbee. Amherst has its variousclaims to fame, Emily Dickinson, RobertFrost, Amherst College and UltimateFrisbee. I like to call Amherst the“Ultimate Center of the Universe.”Ultimate (it is kind of passé to refer to itas Frisbee anymore) is a passion inAmherst. The Amherst High Schoolboys’ and girls’ Ultimate teams have foryears been among the best high schoolultimate teams in the country. (Many intown would probably even take offenseat my uttering the word “among” in thesame sentence as “best”). With a fewexceptions, they win all games they playagainst other high school teams and mostof the games they play against collegeteams. And this has been true for years. Itis a dynasty. Ultimate begins here at ayoung age. There are Ultimate summercamps for elementary school children,Ultimate leagues during the summer forall ages including geezer leagues for theover 40 set. My kids started playing itduring recess in elementary school.

I love the athleticism of Ultimate and ifyou have never seen a good high schoolor college team play, it is something tosee. But what, you may be asking at thispoint, does this have to do withmediation or conflict resolution? A lot!Ultimate has a unique and inspiring (and

inspired) mechanism for resolvingconflict. You see, Ultimate matches haveno referees, no umpires or outsidearbiters. Unlike any other competitiveteam sport I know of, Ultimate is self-refereed by the players. If there is a foul,it is called by the player. What happensthen (when compared to the normalsports world) is in my opinion, trulyamazing. When a foul is called, playstops, the players involved have aconversation about it, a decision is madeby the players on what should happenand play resumes. This “conversation” isout of earshot of the coaches andspectators. Coaches do not get involvedand parents do not get involved. In fact,it is frowned for anyone from thesidelines to get involved and it is a statedrule that coaches are not to get involvedin the resolution of the foul call. Whetheror not there was a foul is a question thatis resolved by the players on the field.There are never long arguments or fightsabout the call. A call is made, there maybe a 10-20 second conversation by theplayers on the field (usually less thanthat) and everyone moves on. There arerules for the game and rules about whatis a foul and what is not. But the actualconflict resolution method seems prettyinformal and fluid. And yet, fouls getresolved, usually without a lot of fanfareor obsessing. And here is the amazingthing, play resumes without grumbling,or whining or shouting or acting out.

Maybe a quick Ultimate 101 lesson


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might help. In Ultimate, a team of 7players on each team try to move the discdown the field with the goal being for aplayer to catch the disc over the goal line.If the disc is dropped it turns over to theother team who moves it towards theopposing goal. Players cannot run withthe disc. It is moved down the field bythrowing it from one player to the next. Itis sort of like football in that the Ultimategoal is to get the disc over the goal line.It’s actually more like rugby in that thedisc can be thrown forward or back.There is no clock but there is a time limitfor the game. Games are typically to 15points although sometimes games are to13.

I love watching this sport. Kids hurlthemselves through the air, oftencompletely parallel to the ground in anattempt at a “d-block” (i.e.: to stop a passon defense) or to catch the disc from ateammate. This hurling is commonlyreferred to as a “layout.” But I am alsofascinated by the sport from my vantagepoint as a mediator and conflictresolution trainer. Think about probasketball for instance where it seemsthat the players argue and complainabout every foul a referee calls. Orsoccer, where yellow cards are handedout not infrequently for penalties and

where players seem to have made an artof “flopping” in an attempt to draw afoul. There is none of that in Ultimate.Because there is no referee that the

players are trying to snow or convince,fouls are called infrequently. Because thegame is self-regulated, it keeps theplayers in check from calling too manyfouls or from calling unnecessary fouls;there is probably recognition that twocan play the game of callinginappropriate fouls, so it is generally notdone. It also not the ethos of the sport.

Ultimate gives me hope that teaching ourkids conflict resolution skills is not anuphill battle. We often hear that humanshave a natural fight or flight instinct andthat the skills necessary to mediate orresolve conflicts peaceably iscounterintuitive. To some extent I stillbelieve that those skills run counter toour natural reaction. When a ten-year oldis taunted by a classmate and threatenedor embarrassed, how “normal” or likelyis it that the one being taunted says to histormentor, “so tell me more about whyyou feel that way.” Or, “So what I hearyou saying is …” The normal reaction isprobably to taunt back, maybe even getinto a physical altercation or to walkaway. But Ultimate gives me pause tohope. For in Ultimate I see that kids havemuch more ability to resolve conflictappropriately than we give them creditfor. Fouls are called, a short discussionensues, problem is resolved and they

move on, seeminglyseamlessly. Kids caneasily adapt to resolvingconflict peaceably. Weadults can learn a lot

from watching our kids when they playUltimate. It is kind of like what they sayabout dog training, it is usually the dogowners, rather than the dog, who need

Ultimate has a unique andinspiring (and inspired)mechanism for resolving conflict.

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the training. How has Ultimate achievedthis enlightened realm of conflictresolution? Here are some theories:

1. Ultimate culture and the spirit of thegame looks down on arguing about calls orcalling unnecessary fouls as badform. In professional soccer itseems like the ethos is to try and getaway with as much as you canwithout getting caught. In hockey itseems acceptable and even expectedthat players pummel each other. InUltimate, neither of these tacticswill work since there are noreferees. But also, it is simply notaccepted. The culture of non-violentconflict resolution is passed downto kids from coaches and the organizers ofthe sport and the kids’ themselves. There isa conscious attention to resolving theconflict through words and dialogue ratherthan brute force, charades or bullying.

2. This is a case where the kids areteaching their parents a new approach toconflict resolution. You never hear parentstaunting the other team in Ultimate.Because parents don’t see their kidsgrumbling and arguing about “calls”, theydon’t. I mean, heck if the kids are notworried about a foul being called, whyshould I? As parents, we do not hear theconversation on the field. We watch withfascination as the kids discuss the call,return the disc to another location on thefield and continue play. There are nonegative hand gestures, yelling or bodygestures suggesting anger or frustration.They literally just move on. Parents as aresult do the same.

3. Here is another interesting thing aboutthe Amherst Ultimate program. If you areon the sideline and go up to a player andask them what the score is, 9 times out of10, the answer will be, I don’t know. Theparent walks away in bewilderment

wondering how they can possibly notknow the score. This again seems to bepart of the ethos (at least in Amherst).Winning is great and certainly teams striveto win and work and run like mad in aneffort to win. But this is a sport that isfocused on the moment. It is about the effort, the teamwork, communication andgiving 100%. Try to imagine any otherteam sport where the players have no ideawhat the score is. Isn’t this what we strivefor in mediation? The process. If as amediator, rather than focusing on theoutcome I could be in the moment andfocus on the process, what my clients areneeding, what I am needing and how weare interacting, I will have achievedmediation nirvana. As a parent I realize Ihave been hardwired to always be askingwhat the score is. I finally get it. It doesnot matter. Watching Ultimate has mademe a better mediator. It has taught me stayfocused on process.

If as a mediator, rather thanfocusing on the outcome I

could be in the moment andfocus on the process, what

my clients are needing, what I am needing and how we are

interacting, I will haveachieved mediation nirvana.


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4. The creators of Ultimate and/or thefolks who run high school tournamentshave done something else that I think isbrilliant. At every tournament, there is theobvious winner of the tournament. But atevery tournament, there is also one teamthat wins the “spirit” award. This awardgoes to the team which has the bestpositive spirit and best sportsmanship.

And winning the spirit award meanssomething to the teams. The focus againis not just on the result but on the process.If you argue a call, how will that affectthe team’s spirit score? The winner of thespirit award is chosen by the players, notthe adults. As an adult watching, youhope that your team will win, no doubt.But getting the spirit award carries aspecial badge of honor.

I am aware that in college, they now have“observers” on the sidelines whose role isto resolve disputes in the event that theycannot be resolved by the players. I amalso told (by those in the know) that at thecollege and club levels, there are now redand yellow cards (like soccer) handed outfor bad behavior and that in fact a lot ofthe spirit of the game that I describedabove has started to erode. Somehow as

kids get older, the stakes seem to getbigger and the need to win starts to takeover. It may be that this is just the naturalcycle of a relatively young sport growingin size and popularity and needing tomake adjustments and rules toaccommodate the growth. This is nodifferent in some ways from theadjustments that small businesses need tomake as they grow from a small mom andpop operation to a larger business withmore employees and more conflicts.Alternatively, maybe there is aneuroscientific explanation for this andthe change from middle school and juniorvarsity to varsity and college has to dowith a developmental shift whichhappens as kids develop. I think thechanges described above are unfortunateon so many levels. At least for now, whilemy son continues to play high schoolUltimate I will keep my blinders on andmy head in the sand, indulge in andappreciate the ultimate conflict resolutionI see on the high school field and take thelessons I can for my own life and work.

Oran Kaufman is a domesticrelations attorney and familymediator who founded AmherstMediation Services in 1995. He

can be contacted at (413) 256-1575, or byemail at <[email protected]>.

Ultimate is self-refereed by the players.

“Strive mightily, but eat and drink as friends.”

William Shakespeare

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Humor in life is wherever you find it, but divorce mediations aren’t exactly the bestvenues for humor…or are they? A couple of colleagues and I started jotting downsome of the funnier and more bizarre happenings, and they almost read like acomedy script. Undoubtedly, you have had similar experiences, and I’d love to hearabout them. This certainly won’t compensate for all your rougher mediations, butallow me to share a few snippets of lighter moments....

“My husband had his project cut off a few months ago, and he hasn’t provided mewith any relief since.”

“In accordance with my lawyer’s instructions, I gave birth to the twins in thisenvelope right here.”

“Hey, the only beast in you is a jackass!”

“I don’t think I was to blame for the bad marriage, or him either. But if either was toblame, it was him.”

“If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean.”

“Do we have to bring that steamroller in high heels back into the room?”

“Sharing his bed was OK. Sharing his bathroom was gross.”

“She took a baseball bat to the motorcycle I was building in the garage. It just laythere, silent and motionless.”

“Shut up, you prehistoric old bugger…does it still have to be his turn to talk?”

“My husband is very abusive. He always hits me back a lot harder than I hit him.”

“She had an affair without warning me of her intensions.”

(To the mediator) “Did you notice how she dresses better for these mediations thanshe does for me?”

“Calling him an idiot is an insult to stupid people.”

DIVORCE HUMORBy Pete Desrochers


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“It’s men like him that make women gay.”

“He was stationed back in the States after being injured by a roadside IUD”

“Isn’t having an affair with one man for a long time better than what he did? Hehad affairs with lots of women and they never lasted long. At least with me youknow where it’s been.”

“The only thing that will get a rise around you is my middle finger!”

“How he can have such a narrow mind in that expanse of nothingness is beyondme.”

“He keeps telling our daughter that I’m illiterate. That ain’t right, ‘cause he knowswe were married a week before she was born.”

“He tells so many little white lies he could repaint the kitchen.”

“He’s an instant idiot…just add the booze.”

“I’m not a whore, and even if I was, I’d have better clients than him.”

Pete Desrochers is the Founding Director of The Negotiators, amediation and negotiations firm based in metro Atlanta, Georgia, servingthe U.S. and Canada. A strong proponent for settling divorces anddomestic issues out of court, Pete believes that gentleness and

compassion can only come from strength, endeavoring to provide a safe, friendlyenvironment to resolve even the most volatile disputes. He can be contacted [email protected] or through his website: www.thenegotiators.com

“Make crime pay.Become a lawyer.”

Will Rogers

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MASSACHUSETTS FAMILY LAWA Periodic ReviewBy Jonathan E. Fields

Military Pension – Income Streamor Marital Asset? The AppealsCourt reversed a Probate Courtjudgment in which a husband’smilitary pension (in pay status) wastreated as a stream of income. TheCourt noted that, while judges havethe discretion to characterize militarypensions as either streams of incomeor marital assets, the majority of casestreat them as marital assets. Under theparticular facts of this case, accordingto the Appeals Court, treating thepension as a stream of income wouldhave been inequitable to the wife.Casey v. Casey, 79 Mass.App.Ct. 623(June 7, 2011).

Support Obligations UnderImmigration Law Where a foreign-born spouse is involved in a divorce,drafters should be mindful that anAmerican-citizen spouse may havesigned an Affidavit of Support inconnection with a petition forpermanent residency. In certaininstances, federal immigration lawrequires the American spouse toguarantee support for ten years fromthe date of the petition (at the level of125% of the federal povertyguidelines.) An Indiana man signedan affidavit of support in 1999 onbehalf of his foreign-born fiancée.They were divorced a year later andthe divorce agreement (incorporatedin a judgment) contained a broadwaiver of support. Years later, the ex-

wife sued in federal court, claimingthat the husband’s failure to supporther violated the immigration law. Thecourt found that the ex-husband’sduty to provide support was notextinguished by the Indiana divorcedecree. Chang v. Crabill, N.Ind., No.1:10 CV 78 (June 21, 2011)

Mediation as the UnauthorizedPractice of Law? Non-attorneymediators beware! In the comingmonths, the Supreme Judicial Courtwill be deciding a case of utmostimportance to you and the entiremediation community. The caseinvolves an attorney, Anthony Bott,who resigned the practice of law as adisciplinary sanction and soughtpermission from the Single Justice towork as a mediator. The Board of BarOverseers filed an opposition to theattorney’s request. The Single Justice,without deciding the issue, sent theissue to the SJC. While the SJC couldnarrowly tailor the issue to the scopeof Bott’s discipline, the Court couldconceivably find that mediation is thepractice of law. In re: Anthony RaoulBott, No. SJC 10935

Jonathan E. Fields, Esq. isa partner at Fields andDennis, LLP in Wellesley.Jon can be contacted

at 781-489-6776, or [email protected]

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WHAT’S NEWS?National & International Family News

Chronologically Compiled & Edited by Les Wallerstein

Brazil: Court Backs Civil UnionsBrazil’s Supreme Court has ruled thatcivil unions between same-sex couplesmust be allowed in the nation, which hasmore Roman Catholics than any other. Ina 10-0 vote, with one abstention, thejustices said gay couples deserve the samelegal rights as heterosexual pairs when itcomes to alimony, retirement benefits of apartner who dies and inheritances, amongother issues. The ruling, however, stoppedshort of legalizing gay marriage. (NewYork Times, Associated Press, 5/6/2011)

US Census Data Reveals a Shift inPatterns of Childbearing College-educated women are waiting longer tohave children than those without a collegeeducation, according to new data from theCensus Bureau. In 2000, the portion ofwomen with college degrees between theages of 25 and 34 who had children was42 percent. Ten years later, the samegroup of women, now ages 35 to 44 —representing about three millionAmericans — were far more likely to bemothers: About 76 percent had children,according to the data. By contrast, about83 percent of women ages 25 to 34 whodid not have a high school diploma hadchildren in 2000. The percentage rose to88 percent by 2010. Just 3 percent ofwomen who had never been married had achild in 1976. Now the number is about21 percent, up sharply even from 2008,when it was 15 percent. (SabrinaTavernise, New York Times, 5/10/2011)

Study Finds Women Slower to Wed,and Divorce Easing Nearly half of allwomen between the ages of 25 and 29have never been married, up from about aquarter of that age group in 1986,according to a report released by theCensus Bureau. Among the changes foundin the research is the rising median age offirst marriages, which in 1950 was 23 formen and 20 for women. In 2009, it was 28for men and 26 for women. Divorce rateshave leveled off after reaching a higharound 1980, the report said. In 2009,about 35 percent of women 40 to 49 haddivorced, down from 40 percent in 1996.About 10 percent of first marriages endedin divorce within five years. Among thosewho had married a second time by 2009,the median age at the second marriagewas 36 for men and 33 for women. Firstmarriages that end in divorce last amedian of eight years for men and forwomen. The median length of secondmarriages was similar. Half of men andwomen who remarried after a first divorcedid so within four years, the report said.(Sabrina Tavernise, New York Times,5/19/2011)

Married Couples in US No Longer aMajority Married couples have droppedbelow half of all American households forthe first time, the Census Bureau says, amilestone in the evolution of theAmerican family toward less traditionalforms. Married couples represented just48 percent of American households in2010, according to data being made public

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Thursday and analyzed by the BrookingsInstitution. This was slightly less than in2000, but far below the 78 percent ofhouseholds occupied by married couplesin 1950. What is more, just a fifth ofhouseholds were traditional families —married couples with children — downfrom about a quarter a decade ago, andfrom 43 percent in 1950, as the iconicimage of the American family continuesto break apart. (Sabrina Tavernise, NewYork Times, 5/26/2011)

New York Allows Same-Sex MarriageNew York is poised to become the 6thand the largest state in the US where gayand lesbian couples will be able to wed.The law which was enacted will allowsame-sex couples to begin marrying inNew York by late July. The other fivestates that currently permit same-sexmarriage are Connecticut, Iowa,Massachusetts, New Hampshire andVermont, as well as the District ofColumbia. (Nicholas Confessore andMichael Barbaro, New York Times,6/25/2011)

Rhode Island Lawmakers ApproveCivil Unions The Rhode Island StateSenate approved a bill allowing notmarriage, but civil unions for gaycouples, despite fierce opposition fromgay rights advocates who called the

legislation discriminatory. The bill,which already passed in the state’s Houseof Representatives and which thegovernor said he was likely to sign,grants gay and lesbian couples most ofthe rights and benefits that Rhode Islandprovides married couples. (AbbyGoodnough, New York Times,6/29/2011)

U.N. Cites Global Gaps in Women’sRights Most countries still do notexplicitly criminalize rape withinmarriage, according to a sweepingUnited Nations report of global women’srights. The report also found that morethan half of working women lack basiclegal protections on the job. Amongcountries that have still not formallyoutlawed domestic violence are twomembers of the European Union —Hungary and Lithuania — and amongthose still not explicitly criminalizingmarital rape are a dozen more, includingpioneers of gender equality like Norwayand Britain. (Katrin Bennhold, New YorkTimes, 7/7/2011)

Les Wallerstein is a familymediator and collaborativelawyer in Lexington. He can becontacted at (781)862-1099, or

at [email protected]

“Law is mind without reason.”Aristotle

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MCFM NEWS

2011-2012 ELECTION RESULTSBased on the results of MCFM’s annual elections, we are pleased to announcethat the following people will serve as MCFM Officers and Directors.

MCFM OFFICERS:

MCFM DIRECTORS:

MCFM PRESENTS ITS 10th ANNUALFAMILY MEDIATION INSTITUTE

COME MEET PAULA M. CAREY, CHIEF JUSTICEMASSACHUSETTS PROBATE AND FAMILY COURT

& OTHER CONFIRMED PRESENTERS: Fern Frolin, Lynda Robbins & Oran Kaufman

SAVE THE DATEFRIDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2011

8:30 - 5:00 PMWellesley Community Center

CHECK WWW.MCFM.ORG FOR UPDATES

President: Lynn K. CooperVice President: Laurie S. UdellVice President: Rebecca J. Gagné

Clerk: Jonathan E. FieldsPast President & Treasurer:Kathleen A. Townsend

Kate Fanger S. Tracy Fisher Tanya GurevichBarbara KellmanWilliam C. Leonard

Steven NisenbaumLynda J. RobbinsMary A. Samberg Mary A. Socha

Diane W. Spears Les WallersteinMarion Lee Wasserman Fran L. Whyman

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MCFM’S NEXT TWO FREEPROFESSIONAL DEVELOPMENT WORKSHOPS

Both at Weston Public Library from 2 to 4 pm

SEPTEMBER 14, 2011WHAT MEDIATORS SHOULD KNOW

ABOUT ARBITRATIONThe panelists are Anthony Adamopoulos, David Hoffman, Bill Levine and JackWofford. Fern Frolin will be the moderator.

NOVEMBER 9, 2011HOW LAWYERS VIEW MEDIATION

& WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT ITConfirmed panelists are Peter Barlow and Gene Dahmen, and hopefully Hon.Robert W. Langlois, 1st Justice, Norfolk Probate & Family Court.

SAVE BOTH DATES & CHECK WWW.MCFM.ORG FOR UPDATES

ATTENDANCE AT ALL MCFM PROFESSIONAL DEVELOPMENTWORKSHOPS QUALIFY AS CREDIT EARNED TOWARDS

BECOMING AN MCFM CERTIFIED MEDIATOR

CONTACT TRACY FISCHER FOR CERTIFICATION [email protected]

AN INVITATION FOR MCFM MEMBERS ONLYAll MCFM members are invited to fill out the Member ProfileQuestionnaire posted on the MEMBERS ONLY page of mcfm.org andsubmit it for publication in the FMQ. Please email your questionnaire with apersonal photo (head shot) and an optional photo of your primary mediationspace (or office) to [email protected]. Since the questionnaire isintended to help others learn about you, feel free to customize it by omittingquestions listed, or adding questions you prefer. Only questions answered will bepublished, and all submissions may be edited for clarity and length. Please helpus get to know you.

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MEDIATION PEER GROUP MEETINGSCentral Massachusetts Mediators Group: We are pleased to announce the creationof a new professional education and support group for mediators in CentralMassachusetts. The group meets to discuss topics and/or cases in the offices ofInterpeople Inc., in Littleton, about 1/2 mile off Route 495, Exit 31. Meetings begin @8:30 AM on the last Thursday of every month, except December, July and August.There will be guest speakers at some meetings. If you are a family and divorcemediator — attorney or non-attorney — you are welcome to join us. For moreinformation please contact Shuneet Thomson at [email protected] orcall 978-486-3338.

North Suburban Mediators Group: Join fellow mediators meeting to learn and shareand network. Meetings are held at 8:30 a.m. on the second Tuesday of the month fromJanuary to June and from September to November at the offices of Lynda Robbins andSusan DeMatteo, 34 Salem Street, Suite 202, Reading. Please call Lynda at 781-944-0156 for information and directions. All MCFM members are welcome.

Pioneer-Valley Mediators Group: This Western Mass group is newly organized andwill be meeting monthly in December on the first Wednesday of every month at theend of the day, from 4 to 6 pm or 6 to 8 pm (depending on the interest) in Northamptonat a location to be announced. Please email Kathy Townsend for further information at<[email protected]>

Mediators in Search of a Group? As mediators we almost always work alone withour clients. Peer supervision offers mediators an opportunity to share their experiencesof that process, and to learn from each other in a relaxed, safe setting. Most MCFMdirectors are members of peer supervision groups. All it takes to start a new group isthe interest of a few, like-minded mediators and a willingness to get together on a semi-regular, informal basis. In the hope of promoting peer supervision groups a boardmember will volunteer to help facilitate your initial meetings. Please contact KathyTownsend <[email protected]> who will coordinate this outreach, and putmediators in touch with like-minded mediators.

“Vision without action is a daydream.Action without vision is a nightmare.”

Japanese Proverb

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ANNOUNCEMENTS

All mediators and friends of mediation are invited to submit announcements of interestto the mediation community to [email protected], for free publication.

ELDER DECISIONSAnnounces their new book...

MOM ALWAYS LIKED YOU BEST: A Guide for Resolving Family Feuds,

Inheritance Battles & Eldercare Crises

This guide addresses some of the most common causes of family discordwhere adult siblings are not on the same page regarding care for agingparents, contentious inheritance matters, property distribution and more— and it provides readers with a variety of skills and strategies forsuccessfully managing these situations.

“... Readers will find useful negotiation and communicationadvice for resolving many kinds of conflict. By explaining theessentials of negotiation theory in everyday terms, withexamples drawn from real cases, the authors have given us abrilliant Getting to YES guide for managing family issues.”David A. Hoffman, Esq., Boston Law Collaborative, LLC,John H. Watson, Jr. Lecturer on Law at Harvard Law School,former chair of the American Bar Association Section ofDispute Resolution

We hope you will read it and pass it on to your clients, colleagues, friends and family who may find it useful. The book is available on Amazon.com or through our website,www.MomAlwaysLikedYouBest.net.

www.ElderDecisions.com617-621-7009

[email protected]


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ELDER DECISIONS / AGREEMENT RESOURCES, LLCA Three Day Advanced Mediation Training in

Elder (Adult Family) Mediation

$100 DISCOUNT FOR MCFM MEMBERS

July 19-21, 2011 AND OCTOBER 25-27, 2011

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday9:00 AM - 5:00 PM on days 1 & 2

9:00 AM - 4:00 PM on day 3

Elder mediation helps seniors and their adult children resolve conflictsaround issues such as living arrangements, care giving, financialplanning, inheritance/estate disputes, medical decisions, familycommunication, driving, and guardianship. This three-day course willcover:

Mental & Physical Effects of Aging: Normal Aging, Physical Changes,Cognitive Changes, Alzheimer’s Disease and Other Forms of Dementia,Depression in the Elderly, Families and Caregiving- IntergenerationalRelationships, Long Term Care and In-Home Services, Costs of Care, Whopays for Services and Maintaining Independence.

Legal Planning: Planning for Financial Management, Medicaid Eligibility,Medical Decision Making, Asset Protection and Guardianship.

Advanced Multi-Party Mediation Skills & Challenges Of ElderMediation: Neutrality vs. Mediator Advocacy, Common Hurdles, NewStrategies for Intake, Exploring the Hybrid Model of Elder Mediation,Working with Large, Dispersed Family Groups, Ethical Concerns, Age Bias,Considering and Maximizing Capacity, Complex Multi-Party Role Plays andmore!

Seminar on Marketing Your Mediation Practice: Interactive exercises andspecific tools for elder mediators.

Elder Decisions’ Training Team: Arline Kardasis, Rikk Larsen, CrystalThorpe and Blair Trippe. Partners and Senior Trainers at Elder Decisions

Along With Expert Guest Presenters: Jeffrey Bloom, Esq., Emily Saltz,MSW, LICSW & Jennifer Decker, Mediation Marketing Specialist.

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Cost $875 / $775 for MCFM MembersIncludes breakfast pastries, coffee, lunch

on site, snacks and course materials.

Social Work CEUs offered

To be held at The Walker CenterA Charming B&B and Conference Center in Newton

Just off Rte 95 and the Mass Pike (Rte 90)Close to Riverside MBTA Station

See www.ElderDecisions.com for details

NEW BEGINNINGSAn interfaith support group for separated, divorced, widowed and singleadults in the Greater Boston Area. Meets year-round, every Thursday,from 7:00 to 9:00 PM, at Wellesley Hills Congregational Church, 207Washington Street. For more information call 781-235-8612. Annual Dues$50.

For program details & schedule visit www.newbeginnings.org

METROWEST MEDIATION SERVICES PROFESSIONAL MEDIATION TRAINING

MetroWest Mediation Services (formerly Framingham Court MediationServices) announces that it will hold a 32-hour Basic Mediation Trainingin October 2011.

This program uses role-plays and interactive exercises designed to help thestudent identify parties’ interests and generate options toward settlement.Students will observe and participate in mediations, practice mediationskills, and exchange ideas. This program qualifies to award CEUs andPDPs.

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This course is designed for those interested in mediation as a means of enhancingpersonal/professional practices.

In this training, role-plays and interactive exercises provide hands-on mediationskill development aimed at teaching how to identify parties’ interests, generatesolutions and resolve disputes.

This course satisfies the statutory requirement for mediator confidentiality inMass General Laws, Chapter 233, Section 23C.

Space is limited. Tuition is $675. Registration before October 1 is $650.Cancellation policy: cancellation prior to October 1, full refund minus $75administrative fee. Cancellation after to October 1, refund (minus administrativefee) only if the seat is filled.

For more details and to register go to www.metrowestmediationservices.orgor call 508-872-9495.

DIVORCE IN MASSACHUSETTS:WITH OR WITHOUT A LAWYER

Jerome Weinstein & Les Wallerstein

The Cambridge Center For Adult EducationSaturday, October 22, 2011 • 9:30 AM - 12:30 PM • 42 Brattle Street

When the issue of divorce is raised, most people don’t know where to turn. Howdo I get information? Do I need an attorney? Should I pay a retainer? What willhappen to my children and my home? This course will give you information aboutwhat you can and cannot do and what kinds of risks are involved. It will also

Course Dates:Friday October 21 9-4:30Saturday October 22 9-4:30Tuesday October 25 4-8 Friday October 28 9-4:30Saturday October 29 9-4:30

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address when you need an attorney (with the attendant costs) or when you can usea mediator or do it yourself. You will also receive resources and a bibliography.

Online Registration: http://www.ccae.orgPhone Registration: 617-547-6789

Cost: $61.00 • Limited to 20

DIVORCE MEDIATION TRAINING ASSOCIATES (DMTA)October 26, 27 and 28, 2011, and November 4 and 5, 2011

Location: Wellesley College Club

John Fiske and Diane Neumann present Divorce Mediation Training, an intensive,5-day training program that equips you with the skills of a divorce mediator andgrants a certificate upon completion of the training. You do not need to be anattorney to take this course. We are one of the oldest and most recognizedmediation training organizations in the country because we’re not just trainers-we’re both full-time mediators.

John and Diane have been teaching mediation since 1988 and are proud thatseveral Massachusetts Probate Court judges have completed our training program.Each of us has over 30 years of experience in our respective private mediationpractice. This comprehensive training in mediation includes:

• 40 hours of training (exceeds the Massachusetts Mediator ConfidentialityStatute)

• A Certificate of Divorce Mediation Training upon completion of the 40hours of training

• Course materials include a DMTA training video and resource materials• Approved by the National Association for Conflict Resolution (ACR)

For more information:John Fiske: 617-354-7133

Diane Neumann: 617-926-9100

COMMUNITY DISPUTE SETTLEMENT CENTERBuilding Bridges • People to People • Face to Face


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THE FMQ WANTS YOU!

The Family Mediation Quarterly is always open tosubmissions, especially from new authors. Everymediator has stories to tell and skills to share.To submit articles or discuss proposed articles call Les Wallerstein (781) 862-1099or email [email protected]

NOW’S THE TIME TO SHARE YOUR STORY!

“If you have an apple and I have an apple

and we exchange apples,then you and I will still

each have one apple.

But if you have an ideaand I have an idea and

we exchange these ideas,then each of us

will have two ideas.”George Bernard Shaw

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JOIN US

MEMBERSHIPMCFM membership is open to all practitioners and friends of family mediation.MCFM invites guest speakers to present topics of interest at four, free, professionaldevelopment meetings annually. These educational meetings often satisfy certificationrequirements. Members are encouraged to bring guests. MCFM members also receivethe Family Mediation Quarterly and are welcome to serve on any MCFM Committee.Annual membership dues are $90, or $50 for fulltime students. Please direct allmembership inquiries to Ramona Goutiere at [email protected].

REFERRAL DIRECTORYEvery MCFM member with an active mediation practice who adheres to thePractice Standards for mediators in Massachusetts is eligible to be listed inMCFM’s Referral Directory. Each listing in the Referral Directory allows a memberto share detailed information explaining her/his mediation practice and philosophy withprospective clients. The most current directory is always available online atwww.mcfm.org. The annual Referral Directory fee is $60. Please direct all referraldirectory inquiries to Rebecca J. Gagné at [email protected].

PRACTICE STANDARDSMCFM was the first organization to issue Practice Standards for mediators inMassachusetts. To be listed in the MCFM Referral Directory each member must agreeto uphold the MCFM Standards of Practice. MCFM’s Practice Standards areavailable online at www.mcfm.org.

CERTIFICATION & RECERTIFICATIONMCFM was the first organization to certify family mediators in Massachusetts.Certification is reserved for mediators with significant mediation experience, advancedtraining and education. Extensive mediation experience may be substituted for anadvanced academic degree.

MCFM’s certification & recertification requirements are available online atwww.mcfm.org. Every MCFM certified mediator is designated as such in theonline Referral Directory. Certified mediators must have malpractice insurance, andcertification must be renewed every two years. Only certified mediators are eligible toreceive referrals from the Massachusetts Probate & Family Court through MCFM.

Certification applications cost $150 and re-certification applications cost $50. For moreinformation contact S. Tracy Fischer at [email protected]. Forcertification or re-certification applications contact Ramona Goutiere [email protected].

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DIRECTORATE

MASSACHUSETTS COUNCIL ON FAMILY MEDIATION, INC.P.O. Box 59, Ashland, NH 03217-0059

Local Telephone & Fax: 781-449-4430email: [email protected]

www.mcfm.org

OFFICERS

President Lynn K. Cooper, 262 Kenrick Street, Newton, MA 02458617-527-3152, [email protected]

Vice-President Laurie S. Udell, 399 Chestnut Street, 2nd Floor Needham, MA 02492, 781-449-3355, [email protected]

Vice-President Rebecca J. Gagné, The Renaissance, 180 Belmont Street,Brockton, MA 02301, 508-895-9300,[email protected]

Secretary Jonathan E. Fields, Fields & Dennis, LLP, 20 William Street,Suite 165, Wellesley, MA 02481, 781-489-6776, [email protected]

Treasurer & Kathleen A. Townsend, Divorce Mediation Group, Inc., 1441 Main Street, Springfield, MA 01103, 413-733-4444,[email protected]

DIRECTORS Kate Fanger, S. Tracy Fisher, Tanya Gurevich,Barbara Kellman, William C. Leonard, Steven Nisenbaum,Lynda J. Robbins, Mary A. Samberg, Mary A. Socha, DianeW. Spears, Les Wallerstein, Marion Lee Wasserman, FranL. Whyman

DIRECTORS John A. Fiske, Janet B. Weinberger, Jerome Weinstein & Barbara N. White

ADMINISTRATOR Ramona Goutiere, Goutiere Professional Business Services,P.O. Box 59, Ashland, NH 03217-0059, 781-449-4430, [email protected]

EMERITUS

Past President

MCFMFamily Mediation Quarterly

Les Wallerstein, Editor1620 Massachusetts Avenue

Lexington, MA 02420(781) 862-1099

[email protected]

The FMQ is dedicated to family mediators working with traditional and non-traditionalfamilies. All family mediators share common interests and concerns. The FMQ willprovide a forum to explore that common ground.

The FMQ intends to be a journal of practical use to family mediators. As mediation isdesigned to resolve conflicts, the FMQ will not shy away from controversy. The FMQwelcomes the broadest spectrum of diverse opinions that affect the practice of familymediation.

The contents of the FMQ are published at the discretion of the editor, in consultation withthe MCFM Board of Directors. The FMQ does not necessarily express the views of theMCFM unless specifically stated.

The FMQ is mailed and emailed to all MCFM members. The FMQ is mailed to all Probate& Family Court Judges, all local Dispute Resolution Coordinators, all Family ServiceOfficers and all law school libraries in Massachusetts. An archive of all previous editionsof the FMQ are available online in PDF at <www.mcfm.org>, accompanied by acumulative index of articles to facilitate data retrieval.

MCFM members may submit notices of mediation-related events for free publication.Complimentary publication of notices from mediation-related organizations is availableon a reciprocal basis. Commercial advertising is also available.

Please submit all contributions for the FMQ to the editor, either by email or computer disk.Submissions may be edited for clarity and length, and must scrupulously safeguard clientconfidentiality. The following deadlines for all submissions will be observed:

Summer: July 15th Fall: October 15thWinter: January 15th Spring: April 15th

All MCFM members and friends of family mediation are encouraged to contributeto the FMQ. Every mediator has stories to tell and skills to teach. Please share yours.

EDITOR’S NOTICE


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INSPIRING SETTLEMENTS SINCE 1982

• INSPIRINGSETTLEMENTSSINCE1982•INSPIRINGSETTLEM

ENTS

SINC

E19

82•

MCFMMCFM

The Family Mediation Quarterly is printed on paper stock that is manufacturedwith non-polluting wind-generated energy, and 100% recycled (with

100% post consumer recycled fi ber), processed chlorine freeand FSC (Forest Stewardship Council) certifi ed.

MASSACHUSETTS COUNCILON FAMILY MEDIATION

www.mcfm.org

MASSACHUSETTS COUNCILON FAMILY MEDIATION

www.mcfm.org

family mediation quarterly summer 2011

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hardworking board

wonderful board of directors

year of membership

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family mediators

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