Family and Home Stress

A refuge from the storm or part of the problem?(45 slides)

creatively compiled by dr. michael farnworth

What is the nature of home and family stress?

• What causes it?

• What are the issues involved?

• What understanding do we have of it?

• Why don’t we do more to resolve it?

• How do we contribute to our own family’s discomfort and harassments?

• Is it important enough to change to create less stress at home?

How much of the stress that we feel is self imposed?

And how much of it is environmentally imposed?

Why do people feel stress at home?

• Time demands…?

• Expectations and obligations…?

• Relationships tensions…?

• Tensions of unprocessed and processed energies…?

• Chores, responsibilities and work…?

• Fears, threats, not feeling safe…?

“Our culture is at war with the family!” Mary Pipher

Our families have been: • Invaded by technology. • Isolated by the automobile.

• Victimized by corporate values of the bottom line.

• Traumatized by crime and its presence.

• Assaulted by economic forces.

• Overwhelmed by time demands.

• Seduced by a mechanistic morality.

To survive, families need to “differentiate” from the culture.

• Differentiate means to grow up, separate, create boundaries.

• Families need to create a buffer zone of safety around the family.

• That can only be accomplished if adults awaken to the

culture’s onslaught of the family and how you and I, each contribute to it.

How to differentiate

• Learn to say no to requests for your time and energy.

• Limit your involvement in outside extracurricular activities.

• Have your home priorities come before your church or social priorities.

• Keep your home life simple.

• Consciously structure your time so that you are at home.

• Curtail the amount of media that infiltrates your home. (cable, internet, TV, music)

Family pathology

• Pathology is engaging in repeating patterns that do not work.

• Pathology is being cut off from patterns of health and balance.

• Pathology is sickness and dis-ease with self and others.

• Pathology is found in the paradigms of morality, what we value and esteem.

The culture’s morality:

• We live in a culture that exploits the use of power, control and money.

• It nurtures violence and sexual victimization of the weak.

• Its most sublime and central belief system revolves around the importance of money.

Mary Piper has said:

• “If a family just lets the culture happen to them, they end up fat, addicted, broke, with a house full of junk and no time.”

• I want to add: stressed and sleep deprived to the list!

• This is the state of many families today and if you don’t want to end up there, its time to awaken.

Now lets do some exploring of home and family stress its causes and origins.

The Hurried Child Syndrome by David Elkind

• Putting pressure upon children by setting high and unreasonable expectations.

• Living out your dreams and goals via your children.

• Wanting your children to grow up.

• Expecting your children to embrace adult thinking and goals.

• Being disrespectful of childhood.

The immature and wounded parent…

• As someone once said, Its not that parents are bad, they are just immature.

• Parents have a tendency to pass on the pain of their own childhoods.

• They pass on the pain by: controlling, shaming, hitting, yelling, abandoning, enmeshing, ignoring, etc.

• Parents do to their children what was done to them!

Passing on the pain...

• Hitting your children.• Name calling and shaming them.• Love withdrawal.• Never taking them seriously.• Never mirroring for them.• Regressive behaviors where you act like the child,

yelling, selfish, destructive voices.• Hiding from your self and your children in roles.• Abandonment via time.• Setting high expectations

Home as the problem

• A lot of chores and work...punishments.• Critical and demanding, shaming parents...• Piano/music practice...• Homework/grades…negative energy.• Contention and pressure…climate of home.• Conflict and fear of reprisals…threats.• Sibling harassments…teasing, being made fun of,

fighting, abuse.• Conflict energies… being yelled at, hit, etc.• Punishments…groundings, privileges taken.• Schedule and time demands… too busy.

The “work ethic” as stress:

• Some fathers think that their last and best gift to their children will be teaching them how to work.

• As a result, many fathers spend an inordinate amount of time harassing their children with work demands and shaming comments about being lazy.

• The issue is really about them and their own shame revolving around trying to prove their own worth by producing and accomplishing.

The unintended consequence

• Many children get stressed just having their fathers about.

• They feel safer when he is not around.

• They know that as soon as he walks through the door the harassment is bound to begin.

• It (work) seems to be 95% of the relationships content.

Children have few resources...

• Are you as a parent going to be a comfort or a harassment to your child in times of stress?

• Will you be applying your own unique pressure for performance, chores, work, practice, compliance and obedience.

• Think about the implications.

Where can children go to feel safe?

Where did you feel safe at?

Stress buffers for children

• Hobbies/sports

• Fantasy• • Surprise activities: going out to eat, seeing a movie

• Television

• Their room

• Video games/computer

• Play

“Baseball isn’t any fun without someone there to cheer for you.”

• For many children their involvement in sports and classes like dance, gymnastics and the like, are not about the activities themselves.

• Its about pleasing mom/dad and enjoying their positive energies of them being pleased and proud.

• Not to mention the time involved having them (mom/dad) involved.

Coping mechanisms children use:

• Waiting out the problem.

• Pretending the stress is not there.

• Seeking support through friends, teachers, parents.

• Not being needy.

• Turning to activities, sports.

• Blaming, begging, bugging.

• Nail biting, thumb sucking.

• Being good.

• Compliance.

Self nurturing/parenting behaviors:

• Children who are experiencing feelings of being ignored or passed over will often engage in self nurturing behaviors like: thumb sucking, role playing, fantasy, being good, not needing.

• This is an attempt to secure some sort of safety and meaning.

• Middle children will often resort to self nurturing, as they often get lost in the shuffle.

“Looking back, I’m not sure I could put words to what I was feeling.

I know I didn’t want to impose my moods on her or even let her know I was having some uncomfortable feelings.

I never much liked having to ask for anything.

It’s easier to take care of these kinds of things myself.”

Did any of you ever hear a resemblance of this statement?

• “You were such a good child- you never caused us a moments concern or problem.”

When families are too busy- children will act out!

• How fast paced and chaotic will/is your family be?

• How busy will/is your schedules and home life feel?

• How will/does a child feel growing up in your home?

Acting out versus acting in

• Acting out: is the process of being angry, sad, fearful, happy. It is the congruent authentic behavior that is grounded in experiencing your life.

• Acting in: is the process of keeping things inside, stuffing them, denying them and pretending like they don’t exist.

Families that do not allow acting out:

• Families that do not allow children access to their own realities will often produce/condition two kinds of children:

• Children who will not act out at home (because of parental fear, control, reprisals) but who will act out at church, school, neighbors, etc. (the smart mouth, rebel, trouble maker)

• Children who will keep everything neatly inside, who roll over and play dead and who eventually struggle with feelings of worth, depression and meaning. (the hero, saint, quite one)

Families that do allow their children to act out:

• Families that do allow their children to act out at home produce/condition children who are in touch with their energies and realities and feel confident in and safe in expressing them.

• These children can be a nuisance to controlling adults because they threaten the power and control of adults who are demeaning of children in general. (confident, smart mouth, trouble maker)

• These children can also be perceived as healthy, grounded and mature. They typically are well behaved in public because they are allowed their acting out energies at home.

Traumatic Stress and Bonding…

• Traumatic bonding occurs when there is abuse in the family.

• Children are bonded by energy and with abuse there is always a lot of energy floating around.

• Children will identify with the aggressor as a means of survival (Stockholm Syndrome) and internalize the voice, behavior and stance of the offender.

Surviving abuse…

• Children will survive the abuse but in doing so their survival techniques will haunt them in their adulthood.

• Survival techniques such as disassociating, forgetting, denial, fantasy and pretending will enable the child to get through the abuse.

• Addictive- self nurturing behaviors will cut the children off from their own histories and realities and thus make it next to impossible to connect with others in healthy constructive ways.

Fantasy bonds and addictions

• Fantasy bonds will be present because they will be the only thing that they know.

• Intimacy will be suppressed and pretence, hiding and role playing will be the norm and means to surviving.

• Addictions will help numb the effects of sanctuary process but will become the source of secondary stress and pain in their lives.

An important paradigm

• Healthy/balanced families do not differ in kind from unhealthy/dysfunctional ones, but in degree.

• We are all in the soup together.

• No one is that special or wonderful or exempt from the effects of Life.

Your marriage will be the bone marrow of your family…

• The time, effort, knowledge and skill which you bring to your marriage will flood your family with like dynamics.

• Too many families are struggling, stressed out and addicted because too many marriages are.

• And too many marriages are stressed because too many individuals are stressed.

• Family and marriage simply reflect back to us who we really are!

Fighting the battles…

• We do not have to leave far from home to fight the destructive forces of stress, dysfunction, addiction, violence, contempt and meanness that is rampant in our culture and society.

• All we need to do is awaken and we will find our hands full of the forces with in our own homes and hearts.

The nature of home and family stress

• The etiology (origin) of home and family stress is found within the loss of sanctuary.

• It is a psychological wound that needs healing so the passing on of the pain will not occur.

• Family stress is caused by personal stress.

• And personal stress is caused by living in an addicted and wounding culture/society.

But all stress in the family is not created equal.

Categories of Stress

• Chronic stress: Comes from addictive living, being over booked, not getting enough sleep, not exercising. etc., etc.

• Environmental stress: Comes from situations like traffic, an intrusive boss, children who are acting out, a bully at school, etc., etc.

• Trauma stress: Comes from internal or external events that overwhelm and flood the family with energy events like unemployment, suicide, accidents, death, jail, etc.

Measuring crisis and stress…

• Major stressful life events instruments ask respondents to report which of a list of events (ranging from 10 to 200) happened to them in a specific time line, usually the last year.

• The events on the list are supposed to be representative of the

population of major stressful life events that occur in people’s lives.

• Examples of events include: death of a loved one, loss of a job, being

divorced, moving, and going to court.

• In general, the idea of life events instruments is that whatever major

events do to us (e.g., require adaptation, induce negative affect and cognition), this accumulates as the number of events accumulate.

Seldon Cohen

Stressful Events…

• Death of a spouse• Divorce• Having a child• Marriage• Being fired• Retirement• Major injury

• Major illness• Care giving• Marital separation• Legal problems• Marital reconciliation• Unplanned pregnancy• Jail time

Social Readjustment Scale

• Some very interesting work in this area has been done by Drs T. H. Holmes and R. H. Rahe, with the Social Readjustment Scale.

• This allocates a number of Life Crisis Units (LCUs) to

different events, so that you can evaluate them and take action accordingly.

• While this approach is obviously a simplification of

complex situations, using LCUs can give you a useful start in adjusting to life crises.

Mind Tools

Life Crisis Scoring Table : Event LCUs

Death of spouse 100-Divorce 73- Separation 65- Jail term 63- Death of close family member 63- Personal illness or injury 53- Marriage 50- Fired at work 47- Marital reconciliation 45- Retirement 45- Change in health of family member 44- Pregnancy 40- Sex difficulties 39- Gain of new family member 39- Business readjustment 38- Change in financial state 38- Death of close friend 37- Change to a different line of work 36- Change in number of arguments with spouse 35-

A large mortgage or loan 30- Foreclosure of mortgage or loan 30- Change in responsibilities at work 29- Son or daughter leaving home 29- Trouble with in-laws 29- Outstanding personal achievement 28- Spouse begins or stops work 26- Begin or end of school or college 26- Change in living conditions 25- Change in personal habits 24- Trouble with boss 23- Change in work hours or conditions 20- Change in residence 20- Change in school or college 20- Change in recreation 19- Change in church activities 19- Change in social activities 18- A moderate loan or mortgage 17-Change in sleeping habits 16-Change in number of family get-together 15- Change in eating habits 15- Holiday13- Christmas 12- Minor violations of law 11-

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This well known but simplistic scoring method is very popular for exploring how stress might effect your life.

Life Crisis Units and the Probability of Illness

Totals LCUs Probability of illness 300+ 80%200-299 50% 150-199 33%

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