fairy tales are awesome sampler
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ÂTRANSCRIPT
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�
nce Upon a Time there was
an academy to train Princesses
for battle, a Troll stuck at the
bottom of the middle school social ladder, a
W itch too polite to be considered wicked, a
Hamster princess who couldn’t wait for her curse to come, and a Brother and Sister who kept falling into the wrong story.
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airy are WESOME
Tales
� Table of Contents �Pennyroyal Academy
by M. A. Larson• Page 1 •
Life of Zarf: The Trouble with Weasels
by Rob Harrell • Page 17 •
Castle Hangnail by Ursula Vernon
• Page 25 •
Hamster Princess: Harriet the Invincible
by Ursula Vernon • Page 33 •
A Tale Dark and Grimm by Adam Gidwitz
• Page 41 •
[PENNYROYAL COVER PAGE]
[Pennyroyal Academy Ch. 1]
� Table of Contents �
The realm is on the brink of war and a school for training to fi ght witches and
dragons opens to all. Does Cadet Evie have what Pennyroyal Academy is looking for?
When Evie enlists at Pennyroyal Academy, she’s met with multiple challenges—dealing with the harsh training regimen of her fairy drillsargent and navigating new friends and enemies, to name a few. With the threat of witches growing nearer, Evie discovers that this war is much more personal than she could ever have imagined.
M. A. L A R S O N
• 2 • • 3 •
Pennyroyal Academy
If I ’m still in this forest by nightfall, I’ll never leave it again.
The girl’s eyes darted through the misty pines. The air
was wet, though it wasn’t exactly raining. Everywhere
she turned she found dull gray shadows, and her mind
put monsters in all of them. The only sound was her own
frantic breath. No birdsong. No tumbling water. Nothing.
A leafy tendril snaked up from the undergrowth and
began to slither around her ankle. She tore her leg free
and raced into the mist, her bare feet crackling through
a carpet of dead leaves and fallen needles. Towering trees
swayed overhead like mossy giants, and the small patches
1
• 2 • • 3 •
Pennyroyal Academy
of sky she could see were black with clouds. Night was
coming. And so were the things that lurked in the fog.
As she hurdled over a rotting stump, a heart-sized
dragon scale necklace bounced against her chest. A
matted drape of spiders’ webs covered her body, her only
protection against the elements. The rest of her was streaked
with mud. She had been lost in this forest for three days.
Had seen and heard things that still didn’t seem real—a
weathered thighbone so thick and long it could only have
belonged to a giant; the deafening thunder of thrumming
wings and the shadow of an enormous dragonfly passing
above the canopy. Three days lost and she knew, one way
or another, there would not be a fourth—
CRACK! The girl jumped at the sound, then heard the
popping crackle of splitting wood somewhere above. She
wheeled just in time to see the hairy branch of a beech tree
swooping down. It slammed into her, knocking her over
the edge of a hill. She tumbled through moldy black sludge
to the bottom, where she collided with a pine trunk. She
eased herself up, rolling her shoulder to be sure her arm
wasn’t broken.
• 4 •
Fairy Tales are awesome
• 5 •
Pennyroyal Academy
The first day, the day she had left home, she had taken a
savage beating from the trees. Her father had always warned
her to stay out of enchanted forests, but she was still taken
aback by the trees’ ferocity. She had slowly begun to learn
their moods and patterns, and before long was able to antic-
ipate their attacks. She tried to avoid beeches especially, as
they seemed the most malicious.
Today it wasn’t the trees that frightened her. The sun and
moon and stars had all gone, along with chirping birds and
skittering goblins. In their place, the clouds and mist, and
the distinct feeling that something else was out there.
But what?
She listened, silent and still, though all she heard was wind
shivering through leaves. As she stood, her emerald-green
eyes narrowed. There, faintly visible through the dusk, was a
distant pinpoint of light. The window of a cottage.
She had always been cautious, much more so than her sis-
ter, but once she saw that light, she ran for it. The cottage was
small, its timbers frayed and soggy. This was the first shelter
she had seen since leaving home, and yet something inside
her screamed to turn back and run and then run some more.
• 4 •
Fairy Tales are awesome
• 5 •
Pennyroyal Academy
Would I rather be out here when the sun is gone, or inside?
She ignored her instincts and edged to the window,
grabbing hold of the sill. Clumps of rot crumbled off in her
hands. She wiped them away, then leaned in again.
Firelight washed across her face, and her stomach
roared. At the far side of the room, a thick, brown liquid
bubbled over the rim of a cauldron, sizzling on the em-
bers. She couldn’t see anything else, but that was enough.
Her hunger drove her to the door, but as she clutched the
handle, panic swarmed up through the soles of her feet
like a million wasps.
Something’s not right here—
A wolf’s lonesome howl echoed down from the moun-
tains, and she knew she had no choice. She gave the door
a hard shove, but it didn’t budge. She threw her shoulder
into it and finally it barked open.
“Hello?” she said with a small, shaking voice. There was
no answer, only the soft pop of the fire. The floorboards
screamed as she stepped inside and shouldered the door
shut with a resonant thud.
The cottage was warm and tidy. Beneath the lone
• 6 • • 7 •
Pennyroyal AcademyFairy Tales are awesome
window sat a wooden table, where waterflies buzzed
around a pile of blackish-red slop. Next to that were a
rusted hand-crank machine and several neat stacks of
multicolored candies. A chill ran down her arms.
In the corner, beyond the hearth, next to the open door
of a small bedchamber, stood a large cage, oranged with
rust and age. It was just the right size to hold a person. Next
to it, a small pile of children’s shoes spilled across the floor.
She turned to run, but the door that had just been so
solidly stuck now hung open. And outside, footsteps
crackled through the leaves.
She looked for another way out, but it was too late, so
she dove under the table and hugged her legs to her chest.
A thick drip of red slid through the slats of the table and
plopped on the floor at her feet.
Oh please oh please oh please . . .
A pair of muddy riding boots clomped across the floor-
boards, shoved along by an old woman draped in layer
upon layer of decaying black robes. The door slammed
shut behind them, though no one was there to slam it.
The girl’s blood ran cold. She was trapped.
• 6 • • 7 •
Pennyroyal AcademyFairy Tales are awesome
The old woman, hunched and bent like a river, shoved
her prisoner into the cage and rattled the latch home.
He was around the girl’s same age, and wore a dark gray
leather doublet embroidered in burgundy. His dark hair
was in knots from countless hours on horseback, and his
arms were bound behind his back. The cage was too small
for him to stand, so he threw his shoulder into the door.
The frail metal clanged, but held fast.
His captor went to the cauldron to stir her bubbling
broth, which hissed against the flames like a chorus of
angry snakes. “Now then, what have I done with my jars?”
Her voice was full of contradictions, soft and sweet, but
with a knife-edge of menace. “It’s been so long since I had a
heart to put in them. Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh . . .” She leaned her
ladle against the stone gently, like a kindly grandmother
might, then shuffled into the bedchamber.
Now! Now! NOW!
But the girl sat frozen in place, watching as the boy
strained and writhed against his bonds. He leaned back to
give the door a solid kick, and that’s when he saw her.
“Hey!” he hissed, jerking his head toward the latch. Tears
• 8 • • 9 •
Pennyroyal AcademyFairy Tales are awesome
welled in her eyes, and she suddenly felt as though she
might faint. “I know you’re scared, but open this cage and you’ll
leave here alive. I swear it.”
She pulled her legs tighter, clinging to them like the last
jagged stone before a waterfall. But as her tears fell and her
heart thumped in her chest, she noticed something in his
eyes that calmed her. He wasn’t afraid. When he said he
could keep her alive, he believed it.
Somehow, before her own fear could stop her, she
began to scoot forward. Each creak of the floorboards
made her want to scream and run for the door, but she
kept her eyes fixed on his and crept closer and closer to the
cage.
“Hurry!” he whispered.
Her trembling fingers reached for the latch. She tried
to work it free as gently as she could, but the metal had
become violently angry over the ages. It screamed open.
“What’s this?”
The girl wheeled and fell back against the cage. She
had never seen a witch before, but there could be little
doubt that that was what stood before her now. The witch
• 8 • • 9 •
Pennyroyal AcademyFairy Tales are awesome
didn’t move, just stared at her with milky yellow eyes and
a wide, toothless grin. Her skin was the color of a worm
after three days’ rain, and it drooped from her bones like a
melted candle.
“Open the latch!” shouted the boy, slamming his shoul-
der against the door.
But the witch’s gaze paralyzed the girl. The hag’s eyes
bored straight into her own, slicing through her brain and
down her throat. The girl gasped for air as the witch stared
deeper, deeper, straight for her heart. She was choking
on hate, anguish, fear . . . the feeling that she had already
seen the sun for the last time without even realizing it. The
witch was inside her—
“RUN!” shouted the boy as the cage door finally crashed
open.
The girl snapped free of the witch’s gaze. All that
choking awfulness slid out of her throat and she could
breathe once more. The dragon scale whipped round to
her back as she sprinted for the door. She threw it open
and burst out into the night. The blackness of the woods
and the swirling fog made it seem like the witch was
• 10 • • 11 •
Pennyroyal AcademyFairy Tales are awesome
everywhere at once. Even in the open forest, the girl was
trapped.
“Over here!” The boy stood next to a massive white
horse that glowed in the moonlight like a ghost.
“What? On that?”
“These are her woods! We’ll never make it on foot!”
She grimaced, but knew she would have to trust him.
As she raced to the horse, the flickering firelight inside
the cottage was suddenly extinguished. Smoky blackness,
darker than the night, wafted from the door.
“Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh . . .” The cackle was
no longer that of a feeble old lady. It had morphed into
something elemental and terrifying.
The girl swung onto the horse’s back. Beneath the
smooth white needles of hair she could feel sweat and
muscle and knew the boy was right: this was their only
chance of escape. She reached down and grabbed the
rope binding his arms, hauling him facedown across the
horse’s backside. Black smoke billowed from the door,
and the cackling reverberated through the forest like it
was coming from the fog itself.
• 10 • • 11 •
Pennyroyal AcademyFairy Tales are awesome
“Let’s go!” grunted the boy, but the girl was transfixed
by the figure floating out of the cottage. The witch’s body
had distorted into something monstrous, long-limbed and
inhuman. Her tattered robes billowed smoke. The skin
around her mouth began to crack and split as her smile
grew ever wider.
“Take the reins and go!”
The girl wrenched her eyes away. Straps of leather tack
dangled from the horse’s head and neck. She didn’t know
what any of it was, so she gripped the mane instead. With
her other arm twisted behind her, she clutched the rope
around the boy’s hands.
“Ride,” she whispered, and they lunged away into the
night. Every muscle in her body clamped down as she
felt the horse’s power beneath her. Her fingers clutched
the mane so tightly, the knuckles had already gone
white. As the horse sailed across uneven ground, each
stride threatened to break her grip.
“I can’t do it!” she screamed over the thunder of hooves.
“I can’t!”
“Please . . .” was all the boy could muster. His midsection
• 12 • • 13 •
Pennyroyal AcademyFairy Tales are awesome
slammed repeatedly against the horse, forcing the air from
his lungs. He couldn’t draw breath.
The girl closed her eyes and ground her teeth. I will not
let go. The horse or the rope may slip free, but on my father I will not
let go. She glanced back, and what she saw made her gasp.
The witch, a billowing, spectral fiend, swooped through
the trees like an enormous owl. Waves of frigid air swept
up from behind as her bony fingers reached forward.
The horse leapt a fallen tree. The landing nearly ripped
the mane from the girl’s fingers. Her legs, pinned tightly
around the horse’s shoulders, felt frail and insignificant. Her
entire body hurt, but the truly ferocious pain was in the fin-
gers holding the boy’s binding. It sawed deeper into her raw
skin with each stride. I can’t hold on . . . It’s all coming loose . . .
“Water . . .” he croaked.
She scanned the darkness until something in the
distance caught her eye. The pale reflection of moonlight
on water. A river.
She jerked the mane, steering the horse toward it.
The boy’s weight pulled the rope to the final joints of her
fingers. She was going to lose him.
• 12 • • 13 •
Pennyroyal AcademyFairy Tales are awesome
Suddenly, she released the mane and grabbed the
boy’s vest just as the rope slipped from her fingers. Now
her legs, locked around the horse’s neck, were the only
thing keeping them both alive. She lay twisted along
the horse’s back, and the headlong gallop was driving
the leather saddle into her side. The boy was barely on the
horse, and she had no way of knowing if he was alive or
dead.
The bristles of the horse’s coat scraped farther down
her legs. Lower . . . lower . . . nearly to the ankles. Behind
them, a wall of pure terror rose up. The witch was enor-
mous, wraithlike, her arms extending from a cloak of
swirling smoke.
Then, in an instant, the girl lost all sense of gravity. Her
body soared through the air. The boy was gone. The horse
was gone. And in the next moment, her lungs filled with
icy water. With shocking clarity, she realized she had made
it to the river. As she began to panic for breath, she found
the rippling moonlight beneath her. She righted herself
and kicked toward it until her head popped into the crisp
night air, and she coughed until her lungs were dry.
• 14 • • 15 •
Pennyroyal AcademyFairy Tales are awesome
The witch had gone, hiding no doubt in the fog at the
shoreline. On the opposite bank, where the air was clear
and stars painted the sky, the white horse staggered out of
the water.
She swam toward the bank until finally her feet touched
the rough, slimy stones of the river bottom, then pulled
herself ashore like some ancient creature, sobbing and
gasping for breath.
I made it. A miracle’s happened and I’m still alive.
Her legs buckled and she dropped to the pebbly shore.
She forced herself onto her back, filling her lungs with
the night until her panic began to recede. As she lay
there, astonished to be alive, a strange thought crossed
her mind. This night sky, a pale swipe of purple-white
across a black field of untold numbers of stars, was the
single most beautiful thing she had ever seen. Crickets
chirped rhythmically from the trees. The choking mold
stench was gone. Somehow, she really was alive.
“Here . . .” came a weak voice from farther down the
gurgling river. She sat up. The horse stood at the waterline
nuzzling a dark figure. It was the boy, arms still bound
• 14 • • 15 •
Pennyroyal AcademyFairy Tales are awesome
behind him, lying facedown in the sand, his legs dangling
in the current. She went to him, but her fingers were too
stiff and sore to grip the crude knot. She tried pulling
on the rope, and it suddenly crumbled away like it was a
thousand years old.
The boy, battered and weak, pushed himself over, too
dazed to drag his legs free of the water. His teeth chattered,
his whole body shuddering in the steady night breeze.
“You must be . . . f-frozen solid . . .”
The girl, barefoot, sodden to the bone, and wearing
only a thin covering of spiderwebs, said nothing.
“What . . . what’s your n-name?”
Her eyes fell to the rocks. “I don’t have one.”
Castle Hangnail
Castle Hangnail
Middle school is tough. Especially for a troll.
It’s not easy being Zarf. As a troll, he’s stuck at the bottom of the middle school hierarchy, way below the prince and knights (populars), ogres and giants (jocks), and even the lowly minstrels (band geeks). Plus, trolls aren’t exactly known for their brain power or cool demeanor. But when the king disappears, it’s up to Zarf and his friends to find him and save the kingdom.
• 19 •
Life of Zarf: The Trouble with WeaselsFAIRY TALES ARE AWESOME
• 18 •
• 1 •
Introductionsare in order
Zarf.
That’s the name they gave me.
Not a majestic name, by any means. You don’t
hear about many kings or leaders named “Zarf
the All-Powerful” or “Zarf the Merciless.” Not a
melodic name, either. Sort of falls out of your mouth
in one big lump and just lays there.
• 19 •
Life of Zarf: The Trouble with WeaselsFairy Tales are awesome
• 18 •
It’s also a really easy name to mock, seeing as how
it rhymes with “barf.” But I’m doing with it what I
can. It’s a family name, after all.
I am a troll. I know the term “troll” has become
a popular insult these days, but I mean it literally. I
come from a long line of Eastern Prairie Trolls. My
grandfather (also named Zarf) is the one you’ve
probably heard the most about, what with the
“billy goats gruff” business. That story got a lot of
traction in the papers and the anti-troll literature.
He’s still living that whole thing down.
Fairy Tales are awesome
• 2 0 • • 21 •
Life of Zarf: The Trouble with Weasels
And before you ask, yes, my family does live under a
bridge. My folks claim they rent the place because it’s in
a good school district and the price is right, but I’m not a
complete idiot—my dad and Gramps still get their kicks
scaring the stuffing out of unsuspecting bridge-goers
from time to time.
Fairy Tales are awesome
• 2 0 • • 21 •
Life of Zarf: The Trouble with Weasels
We live in the village of Cotswin in the king-
dom of Notswin, and I can assure you that
nothing exciting has happened around here since
Goldie Locks was in short pants. And that was a
LOOONG time ago. Old Lady Locks has been the
lunch lady at my school since time began, slop-
ping out porridge to generation after generation of
Cotswinians. And her hair is a lot more blue than
it is gold these days. Anyways, Cotswin is a fairly
• 2 •
Kingdomcome
Fairy Tales are awesome
• 2 2 • • 23 •
Life of Zarf: The Trouble with Weasels
quiet place where kids my age are free to perish from acute
boredom, and often do.
Sure, there’s your occasional small dragon attack or
croquet match, but mostly the days just drag out like the
last few minutes of algebra class. That is, until the last
couple of weeks, I should say.
I attend Cotswin Middle School for the Criminally
Insane. Okay, I added that last part, but it’s not far from the
Fairy Tales are awesome
• 2 2 • • 23 •
Life of Zarf: The Trouble with Weasels
truth. Good old Cotswin—Home of the Prancing Knights.
(Trust me, no one is happy about that mascot name.
Petitions have been filed.)
School is tough. In a lot of ways. Trolls aren’t exactly
known for their book smarts. I’m doing my best to over-
come my heritage, but it ain’t easy. I was doing a word
problem the other day in class and actually caught myself
grunting. Grunting! So embarrassing. Fortunately it was
kind of a quiet grunt. More like a gruntlet.
This is one of the reasons it’s important to surround
yourself with a quality crew . . .
• 24 •• 24 •
B Y Ursu la Vernon
• 24 •
There’s a new Wicked Witch in town . . . a wicked GOOD witch.
When Molly shows up on Castle Hangnail’s doorstep to fi ll the vacancy for a Wicked Witch, the castle’s minions are confused—she’s twelve years old, barely fi ve feet tall, and quite polite. While she’s nothing at all like the tall, demand-ing sorceresses they’re used to, Molly seems up to the tasks set out by the Board of Magic. But it turns out Molly is hiding quite a few secrets, including one that could mean the end of Castle Hangnail.
• 27 •
Castle Hangnail
• 26 •
Castle Hangnail
Chapter
I t was a
marvelously dark and dour
twilight at the castle. Clouds the color
1
of bruises lay across the hills. Rooks and ravens
f lapped into the battlements and were met by
bats leaving for the evening.
True, there were only three ravens, but
there were plenty of bats, so the over-
all impression was of a small
• 26 •
• 27 •
Castle Hangnail
• 26 •
Castle Hangnail
• 26 •
cloud of winged smoke hanging over the highest tower.
The castle guardian was pleased.
Sadly, Castle Hangnail was not surrounded by jagged
mountains, which would have been ideal, but you couldn’t
have everything. The grassy hills around the castle were
doing their best impression of a blasted moor. The guard-
ian tried not to notice the dandelions growing on the
hillside. They were much too cheerful. He would go and
have a word with the gardener tomorrow.
It was a good Evil castle, he thought fi ercely. Anyone
would be proud to have it! Even with the dandelions and
the aging ravens and the unreliable plumbing. Castle
Hangnail had history. Dark and terrible deeds had been
done there. Probably.
He shuffl ed an empty teacup out of the way. Some-
one had left it on an end table near the door, and he hid
it behind a stuffed crocodile.
The ravens had assured him that the new Master or
Mistress of the castle would arrive tonight.
He hung about the main door, waiting. Would it be an
Evil Wizard? A Dark Sorceress? A Loathsome Hag?
Fairy Tales are awesome
• 2 8 • • 29 •
Castle Hangnail
He hoped it wasn’t the Hag. A certain degree of dust
and cobwebs were expected in an Evil castle, but a really
dedicated Loathsome Hag would have slime dripping off
the walls and dead mice at the dinner table. It got to the
point where you were embarrassed to have
people over.
But an Evil Wizard, now . . . well, there
was a lot to be said for an Evil Wizard. Or a
Witch. A Wicked Witch would be just fine.
Perhaps she’d even have a cat.
The guardian was fond of cats.
Really, though, he wasn’t
picky. Any proper Master would do.
Necromancer. Cursed Beastlord. Even
an ordinary Mad Scientist.
“It’s been so long . . .” he said out loud.
“I was afraid no one would answer the
letters.”
“You’re telling me,” said Edward, clank-
ing. “And all those nasty letters from the
Board! I was starting to worry that I’d
Fairy Tales are awesome
• 2 8 • • 29 •
Castle Hangnail
have to go down to the crypt and see if I could find our old
Master, the ancient Vampire Lord, but I wasn’t sure I’d be
able to get back up again, with my joints.”
“I’ll get you some oil for them tomorrow,” said the
guardian absently.
“Oil won’t help. I’ve rusted solid all through the knees.”
The magical suit of armor sighed. “Well, it wouldn’t have
mattered. We’d need blood to bring him back, and I don’t
think you’ve got much in you.”
“I’ve got plenty of blood,” said the guardian, peering
out the peephole. “I keep it down in the cellar, where it’s
nice and cool. We gave away at least a dozen bottles of O
negative during the blood drive last Christmas.”
A blood drive was not the sort of thing you could imag-
ine an Evil Sorceress allowing, mind you, but you had to
move with the times. That was one of the problems with
raising the old Vampire Lord. He was very old-fashioned.
He’d have been flitting around the town, biting people’s
necks, before you could say “stake.” It was easier just to
leave him quietly dead.
“Did the ravens say anything?” asked Edward.
Fairy Tales are awesome
• 3 0 • • 31 •
Castle Hangnail
The guardian shrugged. “They’re ravens. They mostly
see the tops of people’s heads. They said the Master-or-
Mistress was walking.”
“Hmm.” Edward thought about that.
There was nothing inherently wrong with walking to
your new castle, of course. The last Witch had walked.
The Evil Sorceress before her had ridden in on the back
of a Dark Phoenix, though, and the Wizards all had
dragons. There was nothing like a dragon to really make
an entrance.
“Perhaps the new Master just wants to take in the
scenery,” said the guardian.
“That’s probably it.”
He hoped the scenery would be satisfactory. By dark-
ness it should be all right. By daylight, the land around
Castle Hangnail insisted on being picturesque, and Miss
Handlebram down the road had a white picket fence, but
perhaps the new Master wouldn’t notice.
And the castle had crypts! Proper crypts, not just a wine
cellar with a coffin shoved in the back. Plus a moat. Well, a
mini-moat. Surely that would make up for the picket fence.
Fairy Tales are awesome
• 3 0 • • 31 •
Castle Hangnail
The guardian looked through the peephole again.
“Getting on full dark soon,” said Edward as he leaned
back.
“Perhaps they’ll come at moonrise,” said the guardian.
“Moonrise is perfectly respectable.”
It was actually a few minutes before moonrise when the
someone lifted the door knocker and banged it down, hard.
The guardian wanted to throw the door open. He wanted
to cheer and throw confetti. The Master—or Mistress—
had arrived!
But he had been a castle guardian for centuries, and he
knew what was expected.
He waited for five long seconds, then allowed the door
to creak open. The hinges squealed like a dying rabbit.
He looked out.
He looked up.
He looked left.
He looked right.
Finally he looked down.
Ravens mostly see the tops of people’s heads. It does
not occur to them that some people are shorter than
• 32 •
others, because when you fl y, everyone is shorter than you
are.
A small, determined face looked up at him. It belonged
to a girl wearing black clothes, a black coat, and a silver
necklace with a vulture on it.
She looked to be
about twelve years
old.
“My name is
Molly,” said the
girl. “I’m here to
be your Wicked
Witch.”
• 32 •
Harriet Hamsterbone is not your typical princess.
She fi nds the royal life rather…dull. So when Harriet’s parents tell her of the curse placed on her at birth, she’s ecstatic—it means she’s invincible until she’s twelve! After all, no good curse goes to waste. Thus begins Harriet’s grand life of adventure with her trusty riding quail Mumfrey…until her twelfth birthday arrives and the curse manifests in a most unexpected way.
• 35 •
Hamster Princess: Harriet the Invincible
• 3 4 •
Once upon a time, in a distant land, there was a
beautiful princess named Harriet Hamsterbone,
who, as her name indicated, was a hamster.
• 35 •
Hamster Princess: Harriet the Invincible
• 3 4 •
She was brave and intelligent and excelled in traditional
hamster princess skills, like checkers and fractions.
She was not very good at trailing around the palace
looking ethereal and sighing a lot, which are also tradi-
tional princess skills, but her parents hired deportment
teachers to try and make up for it.
• 37 •
Hamster Princess: Harriet the Invincible
• 36 •
• 37 •
Hamster Princess: Harriet the Invincible
• 36 •
Her deportment teacher tried to make her walk
around with a book on her head to improve her posture.
He was later found in the library with a book stuffed
in his mouth, and Harriet was grounded for a month.
She loved her riding quail Mumfrey, and rode him
all over the countryside.
Riding quail can’t
actually f ly, but
they make excel-
lent steeds for
hamsters. Harriet
and Mumfrey
rode everywhere
pretending to slay
monsters, since
her parents would
not actually let
her go out to slay
real dragons. This
was a source of
great disappoint-
ment for her.
• 37 •
all over the countryside.
FAIRY TALES ARE AWESOME
• 38 • • 39 •
Hamster Princess: Harriet the Invincible
FAIRY TALES ARE AWESOME
• 38 • • 39 •
Hamster Princess: Harriet the Invincible
Despite being kept away from monsters, Harriet
was generally happy and not as irritating as some prin-
cesses. Yet her mom and dad were often depressed, for
they knew that a dark cloud hung over the princess, and
indeed, the very kingdom.
For when the princess was only twelve days old, on the
day she was to be christened, a dreadful curse had been
placed upon her, and despite their best efforts, the hamster
king and queen had no idea how to break it.
Once upon a time, fairy tales were awesome.
Hansel and Gretel walk out of their own story and into eight other classic fairy tales brimming with menacing foes. Will the two siblings be able to take control of their destinies to create their own happily ever after?
• 43 •
A Tale Dark and Grimm
once upon a time, fairy tales were
awesome.
I know, I know. You don’t believe me. I don’t
blame you. A little while ago, I wouldn’t have
believed it myself. Little girls in red caps
skipping around the forest? Awesome? I don’t
think so.
But then I started to read them. The real,
Grimm ones. Very few little girls in red caps in
those.
Well, there’s one. But she gets eaten.
“Okay,” you’re probably saying, “if fairy tales
are awesome, why are all the ones I’ve heard
so unbelievably, mind-numbingly boring?” You
know how it is with stories. Someone tells a
story. Then somebody repeats it and it changes.
Someone else repeats it, and it changes again.
• 43 •
A Tale Dark and Grimm
Then someone’s telling it to their kid and taking out all
the scary, bloody scenes—in other words, the awesome
parts—and the next thing you know the story’s about an
adorable little girl in a red cap, skipping through the forest
to take cookies to her granny. And you’re so bored you’ve
passed out on the fl oor.
The real Grimm stories are not like that.
Take Hansel and Gretel, for example. Two greedy little
children try to eat a witch’s house, so she decides to cook
and eat them instead—which is fair, it seems to me. But
before she can follow through on her (perfectly reason-
able) plan, they lock her in an oven and bake her to death.
Which is pretty cool, you have to admit.
But maybe it’s not awesome.
Except—and here’s the thing—that’s not the real story
of Hansel and Gretel.
You see, there is another story in Grimm’s Fairy Tales.
A story that winds all throughout that moldy, mysteri-
ous tome—like a trail of bread crumbs winding through
a forest. It appears in tales you may never have heard,
like Faithful Johannes and Brother and Sister. And in some
Fairy Tales are awesome
• 4 4 • • 45 •
that you have—Hansel and Gretel, for instance.
It is the story of two children—a girl named Gretel and
a boy named Hansel—traveling through a magical and
terrifying world. It is the story of two children striving,
and failing, and then not failing. It is the story of two
children finding out the meanings of things.
Before I go on, a word of warning: Grimm’s stories—the
ones that weren’t changed for little kids—are violent and
bloody. And what you’re going to hear now, the one true
tale in The Tales of Grimm, is as violent and bloody as you
can imagine.
Really.
So if such things bother you, we should probably stop
right now.
You see, the land of Grimm can be a harrowing place.
But it is worth exploring. For, in life, it is in the darkest
zones one finds the brightest beauty and the most lumi-
nous wisdom.
And, of course, the most blood.
Fairy Tales are awesome
• 4 4 • • 45 •
once upon a time, in a kingdom called Grimm, an
old king lay on his deathbed. He was Hansel and Gretel’s
grandfather—but he didn’t know that, for neither Hansel
nor Gretel had been born yet.
Now hold on a minute.
I know what you’re thinking.
I am well aware that nobody wants to hear a story
that happens before the main characters show up. Sto-
ries like that are boring, because they all end exactly
the same way. With the main characters showing up.
But don’t worry. This story is like no story you’ve
ever heard.
Fairy Tales are awesome
• 4 6 • • 47 •
A Tale Dark and Grimm
You see, Hansel and Gretel don’t just show up at
the end of this story.
They show up.
And then they get their heads cut off.
Just thought you’d like to know.
The old king knew he was soon to pass from this world,
and so he called for his oldest and most faithful servant.
The servant’s name was Johannes; but he had served the
king’s father, and his father’s father, and his father’s
father’s father so loyally that all called him Faithful
Johannes.
Johannes tottered in on bowed legs, heaving his
crooked back step by step and leering with his one good
eye. His long nose sniffed at the air. His mouth puckered
around two rotten teeth. But, despite his grotesque ap-
pearance, when he came within view, the old king smiled
and said, “Ah, Johannes!” and drew him near.
The king’s voice was weak as he said, “I am soon to die.
But before I go, you must promise me two things. First,
Fairy Tales are awesome
• 4 6 • • 47 •
A Tale Dark and Grimm
promise that you will be as faithful to my young son as
you have been to me.”
Without hesitation, Johannes promised.
The old king went on. “Second, promise that you will
show him his entire inheritance—the castle, the trea-
sures, all this fine land—except for one room. Do not show
him the room with the portrait of the golden princess. For
if he sees the portrait he will fall madly in love with her.
And I fear it will cost him his life.”
The king gripped Johannes’s hand. “Promise me.”
Again Johannes promised. Then the wrinkles of worry
left the king’s brow, and he closed his eyes and breathed his
last.
Soon the prince was crowned as the new king. He was
celebrated with parades and toasts and feasts all through-
out the kingdom. But, when the revelry finally abated,
Johannes sat him down for a talk.
First, Johannes described to him all of the responsibili-
ties of the throne. The young king tried not to fall asleep.
Then he explained that the old king had asked him to
• 49 •
A Tale Dark and Grimm
• 4 8 •
Fairy Tales Are Awesome
show the young king his entire inheritance—the castle,
the treasures, all this fine land. At the word treasures the
young king’s face lit up. Not that he was greedy. It was just
that he found the idea of treasures exciting.
Finally, Johannes tried to explain his own role to the
young king. “I have served your father, and your father’s
father, and your father’s father’s father before that,”
Johannes said. The young king started calculating on his
fingers how that was even possible, but before he could
get very far, Johannes had moved on. “They call me
Faithful Johannes because I have devoted my life to the
Kings of Grimm. To helping them. To advising them. To
under-standing them.”
“Understanding them?” the young king asked.
“No. Under-standing them. In the ancient sense of the
word. Standing beneath them. Supporting them. Bearing
their troubles and their pains on my shoulders.”
The young king thought about this. “So you will
under-stand me, too?” he asked.
“I will.”
“No matter what?”
• 49 •
A Tale Dark and Grimm
• 4 8 •
Fairy Tales Are Awesome
“Under any circumstances. That is what being faithful
means.”
“Well, under-stand that I am tired of this, and would like
to see the treasures now.” And the young king stood up.
Faithful Johannes shook his head and sighed.
They began by exploring every inch of the castle—the
treasure crypts, the towers, and every single room. Every
single room, that is, save one. One room remained locked,
no matter how many times they passed it.
Well, the young king was no fool. He noticed this. And
so he asked, “Why is it, Johannes, that you show me every
room in the palace, but never this room?”
Johannes squinted his one good eye and curled up his
puckered, two-toothed mouth. Then he said, “Your father
asked me not to show you that room, Your Highness. He
feared it might cost you your life.”
I’m sorry, I need to stop for a moment. I don’t know what
you’re thinking right now, but when I first heard this
part of the story, I thought, “What, is he crazy?”
Fairy Tales are awesome
• 5 0 • • 51 •
A Tale Dark and Grimm
Maybe you know something about young people,
and maybe you don’t. I, having been one myself once
upon a time, know a few things about them. One thing
I know is that if you don’t want one to do something—
for example, go into a room where there’s a portrait of
an unbearably beautiful princess—saying “It might
cost you your life” is about the worst thing you could
possibly say. Because then that’s all that young person
will want to do.
I mean, why didn’t Johannes say something else?
Like, “It’s a broom closet. Why? You want to see a
broom closet?” Or, “It’s a fake door, silly. For decora-
tion.” Or even, “It’s the ladies’ bathroom, Your Maj-
esty. Best not go poking your head in there.”
Any of those would have been perfectly sufficient,
as far as I can tell.
But he didn’t say any of those things. If he had, none
of the horrible, bloody events to follow would ever
have happened.
(Well, in that case, I guess I’m glad he told the truth.)
Fairy Tales are awesome
• 5 0 • • 51 •
A Tale Dark and Grimm
“Cost me my life?!” the young king proclaimed with a toss
of his head. “Nonsense!” He insisted he be let into the room.
First he demanded. But Johannes refused. Then he com-
manded. Still Johannes refused. Then he threw himself on
the floor and had a fit, which was very unbecoming for a
young man the king’s age. Finally, Faithful Johannes real-
ized there was little he could do. So, wrinkling his old, mal-
formed face into a wince, he unlocked and opened the door.
The king burst into the room. He found himself star-
ing, face-to-face with the most beautiful portrait of the
most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life. Her hair
looked like it was spun from pure gold thread. Her eyes
flashed like the ocean on a sunny day. And yet, around her
lips, there was a hint of sadness, of loneliness.
The young king took one look at her and fainted dead
away.
Later, in his room, he came to. Johannes hovered over his
bed. “Who was that radiant creature?” the king asked.
“That, Your Majesty, is the golden princess,” Johannes
answered.
Fairy Tales are awesome
• 52 • • 53 •
A Tale Dark and Grimm
“She’s the most beautiful woman in the world,” the
young king said.
And Johannes answered, “Yes, she is.”
“And yet she looked almost sad. Why is that?”
Johannes took a deep breath, and replied, “Because,
young king, she is cursed. Every time she has tried to
marry, her husband has died; and it is said that a fate worse
than death is destined for her children, if ever she should
have any. She lives in a black marble palace, topped with a
golden roof, all by herself. And, as you can imagine, she is
terribly lonely and terribly sad.”
The king sat straight up in his bed and grabbed the front
of Faithful Johannes’s tunic. And though he stared into
the old man’s face, he saw only the princess’s ocean-bright
eyes and her lips ringed with sadness. “I must have her,” he
said. “I will marry her. I will save her.”
“You may not survive,” Johannes said.
“I will survive, if you help me. If you are faithful to me,
if you under-stand me, you’ll do it.”
Johannes feared for the young king’s life. But he had
under-stood the young king’s father, and his father’s
Fairy Tales are awesome
• 52 • • 53 •
A Tale Dark and Grimm
father, and his father’s father’s father before that. What
could he say?
Johannes sighed. “I’ll do it.”
It was widely known that in all the golden princess’s days
of loneliness, the only thing that gave her any modicum
of happiness was gold. So Johannes told the king to gather
all of the gold in the kingdom and to command his gold-
smiths to craft the most exquisite golden objects that the
world had ever seen. Which soon was done.
Then Johannes disguised himself and the king as mer-
chants and loaded a ship with the golden goods. And they
set off for the land of the golden princess.
As their ship’s prow split the sea, Johannes tutored the
king in his part: “You’re a gold merchant, Your Majesty.
The princess has always loved gold, but these days, it is the
only thing that gives her any joy. So when I bring her to the
ship, charm her not only with your gentle manners and
fine looks, but also with the gold. Then, perhaps, she will
be yours.”
When they landed, the king readied the ship and tended
Fairy Tales are awesome
• 5 4 • • 55 •
A Tale Dark and Grimm
to his merchant costume, while Johannes, carrying a few
golden objects in his bag, made his way to the towering
ramparts of black marble where the golden princess lived.
He entered the courtyard, and there discovered a serving
girl retrieving water from a well with a golden bucket.
“Pretty maid,” he said, smiling his kind but unhand-
some smile, “do you think your lady might be interested
in such trifling works of gold as these?” And he produced
two of the finest, most exquisite golden statuettes that
man’s hand has ever made.
The girl was stunned by their beauty. She took them
from Johannes and hurried within. Not ten minutes had
elapsed before the golden princess herself emerged from
the castle, holding the statuettes in her hands. She was
as gorgeous as her portrait—more so in fact—and as she
greeted Johannes, her golden hair flashed in the light and
her ocean-blue eyes danced with pleasure. Still, around
her lips there was sadness.
“Tell me, old man,” she said, “are these really for sale?
I’ve never seen anything so beautiful, so fine.”
Faithful Johannes bowed. “But there is more, fair
Fairy Tales are awesome
• 5 4 • • 55 •
A Tale Dark and Grimm
princess, much more. My master’s ship is full of such won-
ders. And they can be yours, if you will just accompany me
down to the harbor.”
The princess hesitated for a moment—since her last
husband-to-be had died, she had not set foot outside the
palace. But the allure of the gold was too strong. She threw
a shining traveling cloak over her shoulders and followed
Johannes to the boat.
The young king, in his disguise as a merchant, greeted
her. Her beauty was so stunning, her sadness so apparent
and so tender, that he nearly fainted again. But somehow
he did not, and she smiled at him and invited him to show
her all the treasures he had brought to her fair land.
As soon as they had descended below the deck,
Johannes hurried to the captain of the ship, and, in
whispered tones, instructed him to cast off from shore
and set sail for home immediately.
Now, my young readers, I know just what you’re
thinking. You’re thinking, Hmmm. Stealing a girl. That’s an
interesting way of winning her heart. Allow me to warn
• 56 •
Fairy Tales are awesome
you now that, under any other circumstances, steal-
ing a girl is about the worst way of winning her heart
you could possibly cook up.
But, because this happened long ago, in a faraway
land, it seems to have worked.
For the golden princess came back up to the deck and saw
that her land was far away from her. At first she did indeed
protest, and fiercely, too, that she’d been carried away by
lowborn merchants. But when one of the “merchants”
revealed himself to be a king, and revealed that, in addi-
tion, he was madly in love with her, and when, besides,
Johannes assured her that, if she really wanted to, she could
go home, but she couldn’t take the gold if she did, the
princess realized that in fact the young king was just the
kind of man she would like to marry after all, and
decided that she’d give the whole matrimony thing one
last shot.
And they all lived happily ever after.
The End
• 56 •
FAIRY TALES ARE AWESOME
Coming in January 2016!
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