Fairy Tale Gone Wrong

Prologue:Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there lived a young man

named Robert. Robert was a very kind fellow, but also very poor.

Besides that, he had no problems in his life…

So let’s forget about him and move on to our real heroes. (Ok, we admit that wasn’t a

typical beginning, but this isn’t a typical fairy tale.) In fact, we are here to shatter all

those preconceptions people have about fairy tales. So, we present to you a fairy tale

without a fairy Godmother (though there is a Fairy Godfather), without a typical ending,

and involving a clumsy dwarf named Carl. Enjoy… at least one person might.

It was early morning when Prince Minamoto awoke to the sounds of a bugle blaring its

annoying anthem into his bedroom window. He was the next in line to rule his homeland,

the Kingdom of Dreams, and he didn’t think someone with his position should have to

get up this early on a Saturday. He looked out his window to see a man who served as

the kingdom’s messenger and hurried downstairs to see what he wanted.

“Good morning, sir,” The messenger greeted cheerfully. Depends on your interpretation

of ‘good’, the Prince thought. “I bring you greetings from the Kingdom of Purity,” the

man added. The Prince’s heart almost stopped beating; the beautiful Princess Calypso,

who Prince Minamoto was in love with, lived in the Kingdom of Purity. Was that what

this was about? The messenger handed him a sealed envelope without another word, and

Prince Minamoto saw it was indeed from Princess Calypso.

Ripping it open, the Prince saw a letter:

From the desk of her most royal highness, Princess Calypso:

I need your help! I was trapped in Cloud Tower by an evil sorceress

who sent a troll to guard me. Please help me escape.

-Princess Calypso

Calypso needs help? Minamoto thought. Of course, he would help. But little did he

know, he was being watched.

The sorceress Malsquanda was gazing angrily into her crystal ball. Brutus was watching

her constantly! How did she manage to send a letter?! She raged. Her troll guard, Brutus,

wasn’t supposed to let so much as a telegram enter or leave the tower, but he had

apparently failed. “CARL!” Malsquanda yelled for the tiny dwarf she’d bullied into

serving her a few years ago. “Coming,” the poor dwarf said. “There you are. I need

something to stop Prince Minamoto… and fast.” “Yes, ma’am,” Carl ran over to a

wooden cupboard labeled Potions used to give the villain the advantage and create the

story’s rising action. Malsquanda followed, browsing her options. “Poison apple… too

cliché. Instant Prince… tempting, but no.” She stopped about halfway through the first

shelf. “Ahh, this will be just perfect.” For the first time in years, the sorceress smiled.

Prince Minamoto knew that Cloud Tower was located in a pleasant location known

often as “The Vallies”, places where magic had preserved all the shrubbery and trees in a

state of perpetual health and green color, where most members of the Race of Elves lived.

The Vallies were also the outskirts of the Kingdom of Dreams, where its boundaries

touched those of the Kingdom of Purity. It wasn’t a very long journey, but that wasn’t

what Minamoto was worried about; he was worried about what would happen when he

got there.

“Am I good or am I good?” Malsquanda asked.

“Oh, yeah. This is much better than that time you hired the Big Bad Wolf,” Carl mused.

Apparently, he’d said the wrong thing.

“What did I tell you about that?” Carl glanced down in shame. “If we bring it back up,

the Three Little Pigs will sue,” he mumbled. “So, what’s this big plan you have?” Carl

asked, grateful for a change of subject. Malsquanda smiled deviously. She turned to Carl

and held up a tube containing a green liquid. Then, she explained her plan.

“In my hand, I hold one of the best potions in my entire collection.” Carl sensed he was

going to hear this whether he wanted to or not.

Malsquanda spun the bottle around so Carl could see the label: Love Potion No. Nine.

He stared in wonder for a minute, and then asked:

“You’re going to make him love Calypso?”

“Not Calypso, me. And when he loves me, he won’t have the heart to attack me. And I

can do as I please with him. Now, pull the lever and cue the diabolical thunder effects.”

Carl ran to a lever in the wall and pulled it. Thunder flashed in the background and

Malsquanda laughed her evil laugh.

“Bwhahaha! Thank you, Carl.”

Prince Minamoto scanned the map in front of him. Even though the Kingdom of Purity

wasn’t far away, there were still a few obstacles standing in his path:

The Prince decided that he’d better get going, and so he set off on his way.

Kingdom of Dreams

Bridge O

ver T

roubled Waters

Kingdom of Purity

Cloud9.5

Kingdom of Illusion

Memory Lane

The Road Less Traveled

Cloud Tower

Strawberry Fields(Forever)

River Styx

Isle Of Comedy

Council of Climaxes

Malsquanda’s Fortress

The first obstacle he came to was the Bridge Over Troubled Waters, which was protected

by a group of trolls. As the Prince neared the bridge, a troll grumbled,

“Who are you and what do you want?”

“Prince Minamoto, and nice to see you, too. I’m going to rescue Princess Calypso.”

“Come with me,” the troll said in a tone that didn’t leave room to negotiate.

Minamoto obeyed. But had he known where he was going, he probably would never

have listened.

The High Councilor of the Council of Climax was just about to go into one of his

meetings when a secretary from his office stopped him.

“Telephone for you, sir.”

The High Councilor grumbled; he was sick of some poor misguided fairy tale character

begging him to change the ending of their story. One time, each of the Seven Dwarves

had called him with a separate plea, as if he had the time when he was supposed to be

writing other character’s stories.

“Hello?” The Councilor asked.

The voice on the other end was deep, one the High Councilor didn’t recognize.

“Good morning, Councilor. I was hoping I could get through to you.”

“Who is this?” he asked.

“My name is Lin. I live in the Kingdom of Illusion. I need you to do me a favor…”

“Look, if you’re another one trying to rig the Unicorn Races, I already told you I won’t

do it!”

Lin chuckled slowly.

“That wasn’t quite what I had in mind. My idea is a bit more… let’s say, complicated. If

I could meet you at the Council’s Headquarters, I promise to make it worth your while.”

“I have a meeting, but I can send someone from my department.”

Again, Lin chuckled.

“Excellent. How’s nine o’clock?”

The Councilor confirmed the time, wondering what the mysterious man known as Lin

could possibly want.

The place Minamoto had been brought to was dark and eerie.

Reminds me of that hotel I went to in The Kingdom of Illusion. Never trust advertising by

a guy who calls himself The Illusionist, the Prince thought.

“Where are we?” Minamoto asked.

“We are in the palace of her royal highness, the sorceress Malsquanda!” The troll

declared.

In the darkness, Minamoto heard a tiny voice clear its throat.

“Oh, yeah: and Malsquanda’s loyal servant, Carl!”

“That’s better,” The voice said. He stepped up to meet the Prince.

“If you’ll follow me, Malsquanda’s waiting.”

Minamoto was led into a massive chamber that was probably four times the size of the

hotel he’d stayed at in the Kingdom of Illusion. The wall to his right had a large painting

showing King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table. The wall to his left was

decorated with bumper stickers that piqued one’s interest: My minion is smarter

than your Honors Student, I brake for Sorcerers, and My other vehicle’s

a broom. Minamoto’s admiration of the stickers was interrupted by Malsquanda’s

shrill voice.

“Prince Minamoto?”

The Prince nodded.

“Nice to have you here,” she said in a way that didn’t seem sincere.

The Prince feigned a smile. What could she possibly want with me? He wondered.

“Not to be rude, but what am I doing here?” Minamoto asked.

“You’ll see soon enough. Tea?” She snapped her fingers and a full cup appeared

“Thanks,” Minamoto was a bit cold, and he supposed he could use a warm drink.

He reached for the cup and took a sip. Bad idea.

The mysterious man named Lin trekked up Blueberry Hill to the place where the

Council of Climaxes was located. As he approached, he saw two trolls were guarding the

entrance. He knew it wouldn’t be hard to bypass them; trolls were rumored to be quite

dim-witted.

“Name?” The troll on the left bellowed, holding a clipboard and pen.

“Lin. I have an appointment with one of the High Councilor’s aides,” he said self-

righteously.

“You’re good.” The troll checked his name off.

Lin thanked him and entered. At first glance, the Council’s office seemed to be nothing

more than a front desk operated by a secretary and a sign pointing visitors in the right

direction, but Lin knew better; the people that worked here wrote the stories of all the

fairy tale creatures there were. In short, they determined their fate. And if all went

according to plan, Lin had a reason to believe his former childhood friend, Prince

Minamoto, would be miserable.

After a few sips of tea, Minamoto’s head was reeling.

“What’s in this stuff?” He asked.

“Beats me,” Malsquanda lied.

I’m Brilliant! She raved to herself.

Minamoto’s senses failed, and then everything went black.

Malsquanda turned to her servant.

“When he wakes up, Love Potion No. Nine will have taken its effect. Hit it, Carl!”

Carl threw a lever, and music began playing.

“Let’s all get along….” A woman’s voice sang.

“The other CD, Carl!” She snapped.

“Sorry.” Carl changed CD’s and pulled the lever again.

The sharp notes of suspenseful music echoed throughout the chamber.

“Mwhahaha! Good job, Carl.” Malsquanda gave an evil laugh.

When Prince Minamoto awoke, his eyes were stinging and he had a headache the size

of a small country.

What the heck happened?

Slowly, his eyes adjusted and his vision returned to normal.

He saw the woman called Malsquanda standing in front of him, and something about her

caught his eye that he hadn’t seen before.

“Did it work?” Carl asked his boss, knowing the Prince would be too dazed to hear him.

“You’re pretty,” Prince Minamoto gushed.

“Apparently.” Malsquanda turned to Minamoto, glancing at him like he was some kind of

vermin.

“Ok. Would you like to stay here for a while?” Malsquanda pretended to be hospitable,

while she secretly had thoughts of tying him up.

“I’d love to!”

Malsquanda smiled deviously. “Excellent...” Prince Minamoto was eating out of the palm

of her hand.

Lin knocked went up to the secretary and told her about the appointment he’d had.

“The Councilor’s sending an associate. You can meet him in the Cruel Irony room. It’s

the first door on your left.”

Lin thanked the secretary and followed the instructions to the place where he was

supposed to go. He knocked on the door and a voice with a heavy Italian accent said

“Come in.” Lin pushed open the door of the Cruel Irony Room and was surprised by who

was behind it.

The man behind the door was short, on the fat side, and balding. What was even more

shocking to Lin was the fact that he had wings, yes, wings.

“Are you the High Councilor’s aide?” He asked skeptically.

“Yeah. You gotta problem wit dat?” The man spoke in a New York-Italian tone.

“No, just not what I expected. Are you a fairy?”

The man nodded.

“To be exact, I’m the Fairy Godfather.”

“How’d you get that job? Did you lose a bet?”

The man obviously didn’t take well to insults.

“Look, do you want me to change someone’s story or not? Because I could be on a beach

in the Fairy Kingdom right now, but instead I’m here.”

Lin gave in. “Ok. I need you to change Prince Minamoto’s story. Here’s how. He began

to whisper his plan into the Fairy Godfather’s ear.

The Fairy Godfather nodded as he heard the plan. It was brilliant, certainly something

worthy of the Cruel Irony room.

“So, can you do it?” Jin asked expectantly.

The Fairy Godfather nodded slowly.

“Well, I could use that reward you promised,” The man hinted.

“Oh, right.”

Jon reached into his pocket and drew out eighty golden coins. It was a large sum, but he

knew it’d be worth it.

“Consider it done.”

Jin thanked him and smiled; Prince Minamoto would have no idea what hit him.

“So, what do you want to do?” Carl asked Prince Minamoto.

Minamoto shrugged. “I don’t know. What do you guys do for fun?”

“Well, I just got a new video game. It’s called Space Invaders II.”

“Awesome! Is that the one with the big Robot boss?”

“Yeah, it has twenty new villains! Wanna play?”

“Sure!”

Carl motioned for Minamoto to follow him to a wooden door labeled “Carl’s Room.”

“Do you like it here?” Minamoto asked as they went inside.

Carl shrugged. “It’s all right, but I miss my family a lot.”

“What happened to them?”

“There was a war before I was born between dwarves and elves. They were forced to

abandon their homeland.”

“That’s so sad..” Minamoto silently vowed he would reunite Carl with his family.

Too bad he didn’t know that Malsquanda had other plans.

Jin left the Council of Climaxes feeling satisfied with himself. On the way home, he

passed a shop called “Herb’s Herbs and Magical Foods” and decided he’d buy himself a

treat. As Jin entered, the smell of freshly brewed coffee tickled his nose.

“Hey, Herb,” he greeted the store’s owner, who he’d gotten to know over the years.

“Jin… it’s good to see you again.”

The shopkeeper was an older man in his fifties, but he loved his work too much to retire.

Every time Jin came in, he was greeted with a smile, which, he supposed, was what had

made him come back so many times.

“What can I get you?”

Jin took a moment to scan the menu:

“Humble Pie- Guaranteed to throw anyone off their high horse! Take home a whole pie

for just $4.50!

Sneezewort- A favorite of pranksters. Feed this to someone and they’ll have an

uncontrollable sneezing fit for about ten minutes.

Dragonburger-Real dragon meat sandwiched between two buns with your choice of

toppings.

The Camelot Special- One Dragonburger customized to your liking with dessert, fries

and a special toy (The Holy Grail has been discontinued as King Arthur needs it back.)

There was more on the menu, but Jin stopped, having made his choice.

“I’ll have a Camelot Special. Can you put cheese on the Dragonburger?”

Herb nodded.

He turned to the back and yelled to the cook:

“I need one topsy-turvy rollercoaster ride with a grumpy ride technician!”

“You want a what?” The fry cook came out, looking confused.

“One Camelot Special.”

“Oh.”

Herb sighed; I’m surrounded by geniuses.

“This is awesome!” Minamoto shouted.

“Carl! Can I see you for a minute?” Malsquanda yelled.

“Hang on; Minamoto’s about to get the new high score on Space Invaders II!”

“Well, you’re about to be out of a job!”

“Yes, ma’am.” Carl ran to the sorceress.

“What’s wrong?”

“We need to get to Minamoto and keep him here before the love potion wears off.”

“But… I’ve never had anyone to play with before.”

“He can still be your friend… he’ll just be your hostage as well.”

“Ok...” Carl was a bit leery of Malsquanda’s version of “reason.”

“So… let’s get him.” Malsquanda handed Carl a rope.

Slowly, Carl snuck up on his former playmate.

“Hey!” Minamoto barely had time to shout before Carl tied him up from behind.

“I think you know what’s next, Carl.”

“Evil theme music?” Carl asked, looking at a paper that Malsquanda had given him.

“Other side,” she said.

Carl flipped the paper over to see a diagram labeled “Plan B” and saw the next step.

He pointed it to the picture and his master nodded.

“Just like the plan…”

Hours later, when Minamoto fell asleep, Carl and Malsquanda got to work The Prince

was still tied up, and Carl knew this would make his work easier.

He slipped as quietly as he could into the room the Prince was sleeping in, not even

bothering to close the door for fear it would wake him up. Carl examined the Prince: he

wasn’t tall by Human standards, but still seemed huge to Carl. Carl snapped himself out

of it; it was time for the final part of Malsquanda plan to begin. This was one part that

was definitely worthy of the evil theme music.

Jin had just finished his Camelot Special and was opening the toy package when he saw

something on the TV mounted overhead that nearly made him drop the toy.

A newswoman was in the middle of a story, with his face up on screen.

“…. The man, named Jin, is charged with conspiracy to add an extreme plot twist, and he

is being ranked as the number one most wanted by Plot Police.”

The Plot Police, Jin knew, were the ones who enforced the Council’s rules and kept peace

in the fairy tale world. They were some of the best around; if they were after him, he was

pretty sure they’d find him. The newswoman continued.

“Plot Police Captain William Shakespeare was available for a statement earlier this

morning.”

The figure of a large man appeared onscreen.

“Hello, everyone. We are currently working on the taming of this shrew. In the

meantime, we ask for your help in capturing this notorious criminal. In my line of work, I

have seen words gone astray, punctuation marks go bad, but never something like this.

It’s like A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Anyway, if you have any information, please call

1800-393-PLOT. We can only hope All’s Well That Ends Well. Thank you, and good

night. By the way, that was totally not an ad for my work and it’s a complete coincidence

that I just happened to use that sort of wording. Thank You.” Shakespeare stepped down

from the podium he’d been speaking from. Jin realized that he’d put himself in danger..

not to mention the shopkeeper just by associating with him. He had to leave immediately.

If the Plot Police learned he was frequently here, he was sure it was one of the first places

they’d come. He thanked Herb, paid and turned to leave, but he was too late:

Three men stood at the door, blocking him. They were wearing badges that said:

“Plot Police.”

Jin had to find a way to hide his face. Would that arouse too much suspicion? He didn’t

care; if they identified him, there was no chance of a getaway. He grabbed a newspaper

from the top of a stack near the door, pretended to be very interested in it, and tried to

make an exit. Unfortunately, one of the Plot Policemen stopped him before he got to open

the door. “Hey. We’re looking for a guy named Jin. Tall, dark hair, a mustache.. have

you seen him?”

“Sorry, no,” Jin lied.

“Uh-huh. Would you mind lowering the paper for a second?”

Jin lowered it slowly, knowing he was about to get what was coming to him.