executive leadership coaching manual

The change starts from me3, now!

coachingguidee3

What is it in a nutshell? To get an idea of what to expect from E3 training you simply need to know what the three e’s stand for. The first e represents enabling. E3 training chal-lenges the way people think and the way people behave. It will enable them to make big changes to their lives, both at home and at work. This in turn leads us to the second e, which stands for “em-powering”. By helping people take a closer look at themselves and better understand their actions, we believe you as trainers will empower your train-ees to grow as individuals.

Inevitably, looking at the world and yourself differ-ently can prompt some big emotions, which is why the final e stands for emotional. We want people to get emotional, to feel anew as well as think anew. It might sound like a grand vision, but we believe you need to aim high. Happily, as experience

shows, participants really do expand their minds and learn how to unleash the enormous potential in each and every one of us.

This book will help you to do that for yourself and for the people you are training.

Why is it important for the individual and the company?Harri Oikarinen, Head of R&D Center Ericsson Fin-land, says, “Some people believe changing a work-ing culture takes years. They’re the ones who aren’t ready to change themselves or to influence others today.” A company, no matter how large, is only as good as the individual within it. It’s for this reason alone that it makes sense for us to do everything we can to help individuals realize and utilize more of their potential. If you love yourself, and love what you do, people will love your work. That’s a fact.

e3 coaching

DAY 1Day One is all about examining ourselves as individuals and how our fixed patterns of thinking and behaving affect our lives.

DAY 3Day Three we’ll bring all this together and see how we can influence the direction of our own lives and the lives of others.

DAY 2Day Two is about the world around us and how we build stronger, more productive relationships with others.

E3 Coaching Guide 3 2 E3 Coaching Guide

coachingguide

e3

How does it work in practice? Our goals might be grand, but our methods are incredibly practical. We recommend that participants have the chance to stay away from the hustle and bustle of working and daily life for 48 hours. This gives you, and them, the chance to fully focus. It keeps people’s minds clear and bodies relaxed, while helping participants to bond with you and each other.

If this isn’t possible, try and find a place as chilled out and private as possible. Ideally, this should mean no other companies or groups in the same place. Imagine some-where you’d like to relax and you get a sense of the perfect loca-tion.

What results should I expect? Everyone is different and so is every group. You will face different challenges and enjoy different successes. That said, by follow-ing this guide and adding your own personal touches, there are

certain key results you should expect. Firstly, expect your ways of thinking about the world to be analysed and challenged.

Famed British Philosopher Sam-uel Alexander said: “Curiosity be-gins as an act of tearing to pieces our analysis.”

The first step to getting partici-pants truly engaged and genu-inely curious about how they can change their lives is self-reflection and analysis. Once they have a greater and more honest under-standing of themselves, they can better understand how to work more effectively with their peers. And from that stage comes the ability to share that knowledge and self-awareness with others.

Put simply, you should expect yourself and your participants to have a far greater idea of what they need to do to make a real difference in their lives as soon as they walk out the door.

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E3 Coaching Guide 7

er whether there’s enough diversity in gender, age, roles and energy levels. Too little diversity can make the sessions more challenging for everyone involved.

With the group and venue organized, you’ll need to arrange transport. We sug-gest a bus, so the participants don’t need to get stressed out about traveling to and from the venue.

Before the course kicks off, make sure you have all the material you need, both to run the course and to showcase the relevant theories and philosophies. You’ll find a wealth of helpful materials at the back of this guide. It’s also worth remem-bering that we always use flip charts and pen to illustrate the models rather than PowerPoint presentations. A standard checklist is also always a good idea too.

One key element of the training is music. This is used in a number of ways, to set the mood, to demonstrate a point, to inspire discussion and to give people time to reflect and think about the issues that have been discussed.

Last but by no means least, make sure participants have an empty notebook and pen waiting for them. They’ll have lots to write down.

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Firstly, as we’ve already mentioned, you need a venue. Ideally this should be an intimate, private place without any distractions. To help the group bond, we traditionally have a sauna or Jacuzzi in the evening. The venue should also be able to provide hearty food and be far enough away from the office that people can’t pop out to do some work. If you need help, please ask your fellow trainer for suggestions.

Once you’ve organized the venue, you’ll need to send out an invitation to your selected participants. It’s important to think of the group dynamic when putting together your participant list. Consid-

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Practical preparationsTypically in E3 Coaching sessions, there’ll be two of you doing the training. But be-fore you can properly start, you and your training partner need to take some very concrete steps to help make your partici-pants’ journey as easy possible.

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First and foremost, go over the material until you’re totally comfortable with each section. Remember to think about examples to illustrate your points and the best way to structure your day. Make your own notes and agree with your partner on how you’re going to divide the days. Every training session will be different, but having a set structure will make this unpredictability easier to manage.

It’s important to discuss your group beforehand with your fellow trainer. If you know the participants you’ll have a better idea about how best to inspire them and get them involved in discussions. If you’re not familiar with them, you can look at their demographic and discuss approaches and story exam-

ples, which might encourage them to contribute.

If you have a group with many participants who don’t know each other, think of ways of making it easi-er for people to introduce themselves. For example, you could prepare a pile of pictures and have partici-pants pick which one reflects something in their life or personality. With the picture as an aid, they could then tell something about both their professional and personal lives.

We’ve already talked about the importance of music in E3 coaching and that applies just as much to you as to the participants. Listening to the right tunes can really help get you in the right mood, too.

Mental preparations Once you’ve sorted out the practical arrangements, you’ll need to make sure that you’re also mentally prepared. Every trainer has a different way of doing this, but there are certain things each of us should do.

Getting started:What you need before you begin

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DAY 1: The individual A closer look at our own lives

8 E3 Coaching Guide

It all begins with you

2 Setting

the stage

1

Stress

5

DAY 1 Energy

3

Body & mind

4

Creativity

6

Freedom

7

Happiness

8

8 E3 Coaching Guide

Top tips for kicking off in style

E3 Coaching Guide 9

Firstly, it’s important that everyone under-stands they’re in a safe and trusting environ-ment. Make sure they’re aware that while it’s fine to discuss topics in general outside the session, personal information shared in the session remains in the session. Make sure you and the participants have a new empty notebook at the start of the session. Not only is it great for recording and drawing things, but it’s a great reminder of how the session went and helps you to learn during the session and afterwards. What’s more, research has shown that writing things down actually activates different parts of your brain than that used for listening. Be sure to highlight that you’re all in the same boat and that you’re on the participants’ side. In effect, ask them for permission to be their coach. Be humble and reinforce how “we are here to help each other grow”.

On the inside flap, make sure you write down the structure of the days, so you have it firmly fixed in your mind:

Quotes are a great way of kicking off any discussion. Make a note of a few you think might be useful and see how they work out. Poems or song lyrics can also be great tools for getting people to think differently.

Day 1: Our own life and our fixed thinking patterns examined

Day 2: A detailed look at human interaction

Day 2: The necessity and reasons why we need to learn and grow

Day 3: How to lead and coach ourselves and others

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DAY 1: The individual A closer look at our own lives

It all begins with you

2 Setting

the stage

1

Stress

5

DAY 1 Energy

3

Body & mind

4

Creativity

6

Freedom

7

Happiness

8

1.1 Discussion: Why are we here?

In order for a company to change and evolve, the individuals must change and evolve too. To showcase this, draw a picture showing the gap between people’s current status and the status they aspire to.

Tell the participants about our belief that, in order to get radi-cal improvement in everything we do and think, we need to move emotionally to next lev-el. Ask them what they think this means?

Ask them about the ways the rapid changes happening in the world today affect us.

How should we as individuals, organizations and companies evolve and develop? What are the possibilities and what are the challenges?

Discuss the different states of a human being and whether they consider themselves frozen, sleeping, awake or enlightened? Give examples of how different philosophies, such as Buddhism, focus on the importance of enlighten-ment.

Highlight how managing our business is a “contact sport”, in the sense that we all need to be in contact with each other to get better results. Then ask them to give exam-ples of how they do that.

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In the spirit of its radical nature, we kick off the training with a question that examines the participant’s personal mo-tives, asking them why they’ve agreed to join the session. It is this very first question, and the answers it provokes, which will help you make the rest of the session unique.

There are many ways to help kick start the discussion but one thing you should keep in mind is that the more you give of yourself the more you’ll gain. Your aim should be to fuel the participants’ thinking. The more fuel, the more ener-getic and the more rewarding the session will become.

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5 easy ways to get a discussion going

1.2 The difficulty with dogmas

E3 Coaching Guide 11

What are dogmas and why they’re all wrong Now that you’ve discussed why we’re all here, we want to take a look at some of the established models that try to explain reality and the very nature of existence. Our purpose here is to show we’re not wedded to any one dogma, but open minded about them all. It’s important to tell the partici-pants that we’re not there to tell our truth or a single way of think-ing about life. We’re there to share stories that we’ve found meaning-ful, and to hopefully also to hear the participants’ stories. So how do we begin?

A good way to prove our point is to draw a picture about reality, which shows that all theories and models are simply a snapshot. None of the models can present reality as it really is. Plato’s Allego-ry of the cave is great example to get the discussion going.

Once you’ve presented some of the models, highlight how differ-ent people can have very different views of the world. Take people representing polar opposites, for example Nelson Mandela and the leaders of the apartheid, and ask how people who view the world from such different perspectives can possibly co-operate.

“Tell me a fact, and I’ll learn.Tell me a truth, and I’ll believe, but tell me a story and it will live in my heart forever.”

– Indian Proverb

1.3 Change begins with you


Here’s five quotes you might want to use, alterna-tively feel free to use your own role models.

wise men on why change is important

Why you need more energy and how to get it Once you’ve established that change is something to aspire to and that people’s lives can only change when they change as indi-viduals, it’s time to talk about what they need to do it. One key factor is energy. Here are the five forms of energy defined. Be sure to note them down and give examples.

Matthew Syed: Bounce: How Champions are Made

tips for reading:

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi

“To improve is to change, to be perfect is to change often.” Winston Churchill

“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.” Lao Tzu

“Things do not change, we change.” Henry David Thoreau

“They must often change, who would be constant in happiness and wisdom.” Confucius

1.4 Importance of energy


Physical: The ability to do what you want and recover from it

Intellectual: The ability to learn, absorb, apply, and create

Emotional: The ability to main-tain constructive emotions

Spiritual: The belief and trust in the non-rational

Social: The ability to cooperate, tolerate, appreciate difference

The forms of energy defined

Discussion: How energetic are you in everyday life? After you’ve presented the different types of energy, it’s time to have a discussion about how people get energized in their everyday lives. Questions you might want to ask include:

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How do people around you impact on your energy level? How do you impact on others?

How can you gain energy?

In which areas do you think you’re doing well and in which areas do you think you need improvement?

If you’re exhausted in one area, how can you challenge yourself in another area to balance the situation?

Success often comes from perseverance, and carrying on when you want to quit. How do you sustain your energy in difficult situations?

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1.5 Gaining a balance between body and mind

The fast pace of our modern lifestyle means that many people have lost their natural connection to their body’s way of working. Consequently, we often interpret our body’s signals in completely the wrong way. For example, according to research many people have weight problems because they are eating, when they are actually thirsty. When you learn things like this, it’s easy to see why it’s so important to try and regain our balance.

Discussion: Which is in charge, body or mind?This is a great opportunity for participants to look closely at their own lives and try to analyze which takes precedent, body or mind? To help them decide, here are some useful questions to ask them.

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Is it the body’s natural desire for comfort and rest that guides you, or is it your focused mind that gets you to exceed your limits?

Can you think of any real life examples, in which either your mind or body has overruled the other?

Finland’s Aalto University studied the connec-tion between the mind, body and feelings. This picture highlights some of their conclusions. What do you think of their theories?


Daniel Kahneman: “Thinking fast and slow”

Suggested reading:

circleofc

ontrol

Middle partof the circle:

Things you can influence but not decide or

control

Inner part of the circle:

Things you can control

Outer circle: Things you

cannot influence decide nor

control


1.6 How to control mental stress

Discussion: What do you think of this model? The great thing about the Circle of Control is how easy it is to understand and how easy it is for people to relate to. One great way to kick off the discussion is simply to ask for participants’ real life experiences. Once they’ve talked about their personal lives, you can direct the discussion towards working life, with questions like this:


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A closer look at the Circle of ControlThe outer part of the circleThe outer circle represents those things you cannot influence, decide or control. A good example of this is the weather. If you focus on things you can’t control it leads to frustration, apathy, depression. Move your focus away from this part of the circle.

The middle part of the circle The middle part of the circle represents those things you can influence, but cannot decide nor control. This would include things such as whether you get promoted or not. Too much focus on this part of the circle can lead to anger, stress and burnout.

The inner part of the circle The inner part of the circle represents those things you can control. This include things like what time you get up and how you spend your free time. If you focus here you gain a sense of freedom. However, you need to take responsibility for your actions.

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When working teams have more pow-er and agility, how does it change the middle and inner circles?

Which areas should you focus on, both at home and at work, and in which ones do you get most stressed out?

Where does stress come from? Is it the fear of failing or something else?

How do you handle stress? Can you lessen it by changing how you view a situation using analytic, suggestive or conditioning methods like athletes do?


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Why do we have limitations and where do we learn them?

To be creative we need to allow our-selves to make mistakes, but why do we fear making mistakes so much?

Discussion: Why do we find it so difficult to just go crazy creative? Useful questions to help open the discussion might include things like:

A good way of showing how messing around can provide unexpected results is by showing this video by Gever Tulley.

Once the participants have watched this, it’s discussion time again.

“Life lessons through tinkering”

1.7 Why creativity matters and how to enhance it

“Life lessons through

tinkering” – Gever Tulley

Unleashing our creativity is essential to us growing as individuals. Author Julia Cameron tackles this idea by introducing the Little Creator and the Inspector. According to her theory, there are two internal forces at work, the Little Creator and the Inspector.

The Little Creator manages our intuition, creativity and sensitivity. The Inspector controls our reputation by fear, intelligence and knowledge, and is extremely aware of rules.


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All people are creative. Creativity is diverse. We are not creative in the same way.

Creative diversity has 4 key variables which describe the differences in creativity.

1. Your creative level: This means your mental capacity, the skills you have and your experiences. 2. Your creative style: How your brain likes to work? How do you prefer to approach situations? In a structured or less structured way?3. Your motives: What motivates you to solve problems and change things? What makes you put your energy into something?4. Your opportunities: We see opportunities differently. Which opportunities interest and inspire you most?

There’s no ideal form of creativity.

4 Principles of Creative Diversity

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Unleashing your creativity has a lot to do with freeing yourself of your inhibitions. Of course that is easier said than done, but there are some simple questions we can all ask ourselves.

1.8 How to be truly free


Viktor Frankl: “Man’s search for meaning”

Suggested reading:

Viktor Frankl: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms – to choose one’s atti-tude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

J. Eloranta: “Never act outside the norms of your tribe.”

You’d be surprised how simple it is to analyze how much importance, time and effort we should give to a life issue. Ask your participants to apply these three simple questions to practically any issue and they’ll be amazed by the results.

Ask yourself a question in regard to a specific issue or life in general.

Discussion: How free are you right now? Freedom is a concept, which can mean different things to different people. The most important question for us, though, is what it means to our participants. To get a better idea of how they view freedom as a concept and in their lives, you can ask questions like these:

What is freedom? What or who is limiting yours?

Whose life are you living?

What type of things do you have the freedom to choose?

What is this actually all about?

What do I really want?

What do I need to do in order to get what I want?

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questions that will change your life


1.9 Why happiness is a choice


The Dalai Lama said: “Happi-ness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” There are many defi-nitions of happiness, but like those of the Dalai Lama most revolve around the belief that you need to make the choice to be happy. The question is, what sort of choices do you need to make? Here are three simple rules to share with participants, which can have a profound and immediate effect.

What exactly is happiness?

super simple rules to a happier life

The

Give up negativity

Focus on things that are in your control

Be honest to yourself, do what you like

Don’t expect or even try to be happy all the time. Happiness doesn’t mean that you are happy all the time.

Learn to be grateful

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Discussion: How do you make yourself happier? Everybody has their own way of trying to make themselves happy and this is a great opportuni-ty to get the group to discuss their own per-sonal methods. To start the discussion, here are some statements you can share and questions you can ask.

Do you consider yourself happy? Are you successful?

You can’t necessarily decide what will happen in your life, but you can always choose your attitude towards it. True or false?

What is the relation between happiness and success? Are they related? Which one comes first?

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To be honest to yourself and avoid hav-ing to deal with past feelings later, you should always face your feelings, both negative and positive. Even when you’re feeling negative towards something you still can decide how to react to the situa-tion. True or false?

One definition of success: You wake up in the morning and go to bed in the evening and in between you do something you like. Does that describe you?

1.10 What have you learnt about yourself?

me


Reality: Miracles happen only in dogma-free zone.

Energy: People with energy succeed because they have the power and persistence to get what they want.

Focus: You can save yourself from plenty of stress and harm by focusing on the essential and ignoring what harms you.

Dare:Become the person you already are.

Attitude: Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character. (Albert Einstein)

Choice: Remember you have the power to decide how you feel.

awe-inspiring insights that will change your life today

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Discussion: How do you feel about taking control and full responsibility of your own lives?


end of day 1:

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DAY 2: Being part of the community: Encountering others and personal growth


Love

2 Safety1

Revelation

5

Enthusiasm

3

Miracles

4

Change and crisis

6Feelings

and motiva-tion

7

Growth

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Learning9

Day Two is about the

world around us and how we build

stronger more productive rela-

tionships.

DAY 2: Being part of the community:


Love

2 Safety1

Revelation

5

Enthusiasm

3

Miracles

4

Change and crisis

6Feelings

and motiva-tion

7

Growth

8

Learning9

Encountering others and personal growth

Day Two is about the

world around us and how we build

stronger more productive rela-

tionships.


Day Two in a nutshell

During Day One you and the participants looked at yourselves as individuals, now in Day Two it’s time to start discussing how our behavior impacts those around us. It’s important for you and the participants to remember that the way we encounter others can have a long-term impact on our own wellbeing. What’s more, when we better understand our own thinking, we can build stronger relations with others too.

Consequently, during Day Two, try to ensure people listen and learn from each other via discussions on selected themes. This will lead participants to share their thoughts related to personal growth, learning and building motivation.

By now you and the participants will know each other a lot better. In Day Two you’ll get even closer. To reflect this newfound sense of camarade-rie, choose an appropriately upbeat song to kick start the day.

Kick off the day with a song

Top tip:


Recap: A quick overview of Day One Once the song has finished, start the day by summarizing the main themes from Day One and discuss how they resonated in the group. This is a fantastic opportunity to gauge how the coaching thus far as has affected the participants. Of course, all groups are differ-ent and have different needs and interests. By getting feedback in this opening session you can run the day on the fly and more easily adapt the agenda for Day Two.

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Ask what the participants learned from yesterday.

Ask them to share their reflections or feelings about Day One themes.

Share your own emotions with the group and ask the participants how they feel.

If you need to make the atmosphere buzzier, you can also share one of your own life stories.

Praise the group’s contribution and high-light some interesting contributions.

for getting the discussion going

Tips

Often this discussion needs very little encouragement. However if you do need help, here are some foolproof tips to get the discussion going.



The world around us – How we interact with each other


Day Two is about the world around us and how our interaction with it changes both us and the people we live our lives with. With this in mind, you and the participants will cover three topics.

How to build strong relationships with others

What do we hide about ourselves?

How are we set in our ways of thinking?

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2.1 three questions we’ll discuss today

“The quality of our lives is dependent on the quality of the lives of our closest ones.”

2.2 Why our quality of life is dependent on others

The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater our own sense of wellbeing. This idea is nothing new, yet in the modern world, where the primacy of the individual is celebrat-ed more and more, it’s easily forgotten. One very potent example of the power of we have upon each other was demonstrated in 2010 at the Museum of Modern Art in New York.

“The Artist is Present”, a 736-hour and 30-min-ute static, silent piece, in which Marina Abram-ović sat immobile in the museum’s atrium while spectators were invited to take turns sitting opposite her. On the first night, she was reunit-ed with her ex-lover and collaborator Ulay, after 22 years. The video shows what happened next.


questions to ask4

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How does this video make you feel?

What does it take to really know a person?

What kind of things can make it easier or more difficult to really know a person?

What really happened in the video?

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“The Artist Is Present” (2010)

This story is a powerful example of the effect we have on each other, so feel free to use some artistic freedom here when discussing it.


Tell the story of how renowned Serbian-born performance artist Marina Abramović, met Ulay, but don’t reveal the details of the video before people see it. This will help build up the emotion when people view the clip.

top tip:


enthusiasm

love

safety

miracles

the pyramid of interaction

There are many different things, both per-sonal and in the world at large, which help or hinder us to realize our full potential. As you’d expect, this subject has been widely studied within psychology and there are several different models, which try to cap-ture the essentials.

One thing that these models all share is the idea that if we can put all the nec-essary pieces in place, together we can

make miracles. This sounds like a bold claim so it’s necessary to go into greater detail with the participants about how this can happen.

To illustrate some key aspects that are of utmost importance in all successful interactions with others, you can use this pyramid model. Be sure to write down one layer at a time, and explain it, before moving onto the next layer.

2.3 A closer look at the pyramid of

interaction



“The people you humiliate won’t pay for your dreams.”

2.4 Why we need to feel safe

Once your basic needs have been satisfied, the feeling of safety is the basis for all well-functioning relationships. When you feel safe, you can work on everything else. This feeling of security goes hand in hand with love. People don’t want to get involved with you if you make them feel like outsid-ers or nervous. This destroys any chance of working together productively.

One way of looking at this is to remember that you represent the

human side of your colleagues’ work environment, and they rep-resent the human side of yours. Consequently, how we act and communicate influences others, whether we want it to or not. A good question to get partic-ipants to illustrate this point is to ask whether the atmosphere gets better when they enter a place or when they leave it.


This discussion can really be helped when you share some of your own experiences with the participants.

quick tip Remember safety is the base for all co-operation and this should be empha-sized in discussions.

top tip

Discussion: How do you create a sense of secu-rity amongst the people around you?

questions to kick- start the discussion5

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How do you create a feel-ing of safety around you both at home and work?

What kind of things have a negative impact on the feeling of safety?

How do you retain your own feeling of safety in difficult situations?

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Sometimes people feel un-comfortable when other peo-ple openly share their feelings. For whom is this situation the most scary and why?

What sort of positive and neg-ative experiences have you had in the office?

If you want to find out more about commu-nicating in a way that will help you arrive at solutions and be truly understood by other people, read Marshall B. Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication.

Suggested reading:


2.5 let’s talk about love...

The Beatles famously sang that “love is all you need”, and while this is a simplification of the reality, it’s true that to be truly satisfied we should be truly loved. Every single one of us needs to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance among our social groups. There are, of course, different forms of love.

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

– Maya Angelou, American author and poet

Scott M. Peck: “The Road Less Travelled”

Suggested reading:


Discussion: How can you show unconditional love at work? What type of love have you experienced at work? There’s no doubt that unconditional love benefits us all. Yet it’s not always easy to show it or act upon it. In this discussion try and find out why not. If you need help getting things started, try these questions.

What sort of things do you do to show you care for others in the best possible way? How can that be ap-plied to work life?

Would you be willing to feel discom-fort for others’ sake if, for example, you had to coach them in subjects they’d benefit from but didn’t want to hear about?

Love drives fear away. What do you think of the following statement: “If you care for someone, you cannot win or lose the situation?”

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Agapespiritual, true unconditional love

erosromance, “physical” passionate love

The different forms of love:4

These definitions came from Greek.

STORGEaffection such as that which you felt for family members

philiAfriendship, “mental” love, brotherhood

If you really want to get yourself and your team to the next level, there needs to be both energy and enthusiasm. Emotions are con-tagious. When people are sad, they spread sadness, when they’re happy, happiness radiates all around them. To see this in action, show your participants this video of the dancing guy, and then ask them whether they

have ever considered what kind of emotions they spread to others.

Ask them what they think is impor-tant in making a movement?

Do they have the courage to be the first follower? And do

they love their colleagues so much that they get joy

from supporting their ideas as well as their

own?


2.6 Living an enthusiastic life “Dancing guy”

Situational

Work you love

Pyramid of Success

Work you need to do


2.7 Why miracles are real and why

they matter

“What a man

can be, he must

be.”

Discussion: How do miracles happen in your life? Have you seen miracles in your work environment? Can failure be a miracle?

Look in the dictionary and you’ll find that miracles are defined in a number of ways. The most commonly known is “an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause.” However, another definition is simply “a wonder or marvel.” This is the miracle we are talking about.

It’s in human nature to long for miracles and once we achieve them they can totally change our lives. It’s impor-tant for participants to realize that in normal life a miracle is a sudden positive devel-opment towards something better.


j o h a r i w i n d o w

increasing openness

aroma of your houseliving room

atticbedroom

Known to self

Arena

Facade

Blind spot

Unknown

Kno

wn

to o

ther

sN

ot k

now

n to

oth

ers

Not known to selffeedback 2.8 Why revealing your true self can make a differenceThe Johari window is a technique created in 1955 by two American psychologists, Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham. Its aim is to help people better understand their relationship with themselves and others.


Discussion: After one day of E3 coaching, how well do you think you know this group?

How can you increase your “living room” so you increase openness and free up energy by not needing to hide things?

How can you find your blind spots by using feedback and feed-forward as tools?

Introduce the Johari window picture and discuss how you can increase your “living room” area and find your “blind spots”. Then try and list the ways to do that.

top tip1

2

3


characteristics of the connected5The

Are wholehearted

Have the courage to be imperfect

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Though these two groups share certain characteristics, people in the connected group

Discussion: What’s the difference between feedback and feed-forward?

Did you know: The word courage comes from the Latin Cor, which means heart. So, tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.

Brene Brown believes vulnerability is central to shame, fear and the struggle for worthiness. However, it’s also the birth-place of joy, creativity, belonging and love.

Why you need to reveal your true selfOne of our basic needs is to feel con-nected with others. Simply put, we all long to belong. This feeling gives our lives purpose and meaning. Conse-quently, shame is related to the fear of not being good enough and worthy of connection. In a study on shame and vulnerability, author and scholar Brene Brown identified two kinds of groups: Those who have sense of worthiness and believe they’re worthy of love and belonging and those who wonder if they’re good enough. Which group do your participants belong to?

Are true to themselves and behave not as they think they should, but as they really are

Embrace vulnerability

Have compassion for themselves and others

“Believe me, the crown of life is not the happiness, but the courage and the ability to be true.” – Martin Buber


Let ourselves be seen, vulnerably seen To love with our whole hearts To practice gratitude & joy To believe that we’re enough

Working from that place, We stop screaming & start listening, We’re kinder and gentler to others and to ourselves.” – Brene Brown

“The power of vulnerability”

2.9 What have we learnt so far?


enthusiasm

love

safety

miracles

RE

VE

LA

TIO

NGROWTH


Discussion: How do you feel about these ideas? What have you taken away from the themes we’ve discussed today?

things to remember about dealing with others7 Deep connection is based on the ability to be

authentic, your true self.

Be the first one expressing your own vulnerability; that makes it easier for the other person to follow.

You can learn to be loving by doing acts of love and by showing genuine respect for others.

Commiting yourself to the wellbeing of others will strengthen the connection.

The person you humiliate won’t pay for your dreams.

There is a reason why we have two ears and only one mouth.

Which one is most important to you: Being right or being happy?

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“It isn’t necessary to

change. Survival isn’t

mandatory”– W. Edwards Deming


Now that we’ve established that change is both good and necessary, it’s time to help the participants learn how to implement that change. A way to begin is to ask them if their past is a prison or a school? If it is a lesson, you use everything you have experienced as a tool for learning. Each failure is an investment. You forgive your past and let it go, because living your life is like climb-ing a ladder: you cannot move on before moving off the previous step. It is not only about growing and learning something new but also getting rid of and unlearning of something old.

The certainty-uncertainty see-sawCertainty and uncertainty are basic human needs. These need to be in balance. If there is too much uncer-tainty, the need for certainty in-creases and vice versa. In situations of change, the need for certainty often increases and we should do everything we can to act upon that need.

Discussion: What is your attitude towards change?

2.10 How to change learn and grow

Charles Duhigg: “The Power of habit”

Suggested reading:


Human beings instinctively try to keep things stable. Just think about working life and how people resist job rota-tion, changing teams, changing office premises and even changing desks. However, there are things we can do right now to adapt easier to change.

Why we shouldn’t fear changeFor most of us, change is something that naturally causes discomfort, fear and resistance. To overcome this, ask yourself some questions. What is there exactly to fear? What can happen? Why do you have these fears? What-ever the answers, we should remem-ber that a crisis equals both risk and opportunity, and focusing on the latter is far more beneficial than focusing on the former.

2.11 Why change always meets

resistance

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” – Andy Warhol

A good time to ask the participants what their attitude to change is.

Top tip:

Risk & Opportunity

Crisis =

You might find participants now ask the question, “Why even bother trying to change?” The simple answer is that your standards define the quality of your life. If you aim higher, your quality of life will be higher.

The only way to grow is to enter your discomfort zone. By staying there long enough, you’ll actually enlarge your comfort zone. Why? Because the only thing that typically limits us is our belief in what it’s possible to achieve.

That’s how you raise your standards, but just as importantly, how do you make them stay higher? To begin with, you need to remember that each one of us has more potential than we use and that you need to choose your refer-ence group carefully, as it defines your accepted level of standards.


2.12 How to get out of your comfort zone and why you should try it

comfort zone

discomfort zone

Things that are EASY

How to increase comfort zone

Miracles happen HERE

Things that are POSSIBLE


The Marshmallow Test A good example of the Anthony Robbins quote is the Stanford marshmallow exper-iment, which was a series of studies on delayed gratification. In these studies, a child was offered a choice between one small reward (often a marshmallow) provided im-mediately or two small rewards if they waited until the tester returned 15 minutes later. In follow-up studies, the researchers found that the children who were able to wait longer for the preferred rewards tended to have better life outcomes.

“The marshmallow test”

“If you don’t set a baseline standard for what you’ll accept in life, you’ll find it easy to slip into behaviors and attitudes or a quality of life that’s far below what you deserve.” – Anthony Robbins


We all know how much our hearts can sometimes rule our heads. In fact, every single day we experience how our feelings drive our actions. However, you can learn to take a short break before acting upon your emotions. During that break you can choose how you react and what you choose to do. In effect, you’ll be channeling your emotional energy in the right direction.

The bestselling author Daniel Pink’s research shows that motivation and fulfillment are the consequence of three things.

Gaining autonomy, i.e. you can decide how, with whom and when, etc. you do things.

Gaining mastery, i.e. you can master and learn new things.

Gaining purpose, i.e. there’s pur-pose in what you do.

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sources of motivation

Daniel Pink’s

3

2.13 Why feelings matter to motivation


How emotion is created by motionGood leaders and coaches are able to associate and disassociate with other peo-ple’s feelings whenever necessary. When stepping into another person’s world, you need to empathize with how they are feeling. Ask yourself “What are they really missing?” and see if you can give that person what they need, whether it’s safety, certainty, the feeling of being important or the feeling of being unique. It’s important to remember that what they need is not necessarily what they want. When leading and coaching you also need to be able to step back out of their world so you can also see the big picture.


If you look at true professionals in any discipline, they voluntarily go to places where they can learn and grow the most, the discomfort zone. It’s sometimes said that “The teacher arrives when the student is ready”. Put simply, you will get opportunities when you are ready to learn. Another often quoted pearl of wisdom is that “Learning starts when the teacher leaves,” meaning that real wisdom comes only from doing. If you don’t read, it’s the same thing as not being able to read.

However, to lessen the resistance to change, we must respect the fact that clever people will not swallow without biting, that is, they won’t simply accept just any new information.

The question you should now ask participants is “How can they boost their learning?” And then highlight how it really is never too late, for example by playing the “Never leave the playground” video.

2.14 When and how does a human being learn?

“Never leave the playground”


To learn, give yourself a wider perspective on the world.

Push yourself to the discomfort zone.

Learning is about solving bottlenecks.

The real truth is often hidden.

Your beliefs dictate how much you can learn and observe.

The real professionals go where they grow most rapidly.

Raising your standards, changing your beliefs and correcting your strategy boosts learning.

Discussion: What is competence management really about? Have choices you’ve made in your career helped you to grow and learn?

important truths about learning 7

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2.15 Summary: What have we learnt so far?


We“When you plant seeds you might not know what they’ll grow into, but you do know how good a quality they are and how many you planted.”

things to remember about learning and teaching9


Discussion: How do you feel about these ideas?

Revealing yourself is aprerequisite for growing.

It’s impossible to live a free, creative life unless you reveal your inner self to yourself and to others.

Your current life is a result of your current beliefs.

We have more potential than we use in reality.

If fear is part of your relationship with others, you’ll never be able to co-operate successfully.

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Focus more on people’s potential rather than their limitations.

We instinctively aim for our com-fort zone, away from pain towards pleasure.

The more you exert yourself, the bigger your comfort zone gets, the greater your abilities become and the wider your possibilities are.

It is the task of coaches and lead-ers to push the employee into the discomfort zone.

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Tom Demarco: “SLACK”

Suggested reading:


Day Three in a nutshellDay Three is always special. It’s the summary of the whole emotional expe-rience of the group and, consequently, you’ll need to tailor content based on the previous days reflections and your own experience. In the following pages, you’ll find examples of the themes you might want to discuss, but experience tells us that the last day of every ses-sion is very different.

An example of how Day Three might look: 1. Start with the Keating video, how to influence others.2. Discuss the process of responsibility. 3. Analyze the Golden Circle.4. Talk about the challenges and benefits of coaching.5. Revisit topics which people were enthusiastic about in Day One and Two. 6. End with an appropriate video or story.

Recap: A quick overview of the

days before

One good way to start this day can be with the “spot on” video, or with a longer personal story.

Top tip for kicking off:

DAY 3: How to effectively influence your own and other people’s lives


2

Keating video, how to influence

others

1

Topic which people had lot of

interest during day 1 or 2

5DAY 3

3

Coaching

4

Ending video / story

6

Golden circle

Responsibility process

DAY 3: How to effectively influence your own and other people’s lives


3.1 The 3 things you need to do

to influence othersThe ability to influence others is crucial to successful leadership. It’s something you can teach your partici-

pants to do by following three simple rules.

1 Gain permission to approach (and influence)Here you can show the Mr. Keating “I’m on your side” video, which is rele-vant for all three of these rules.

2 Make contactBy this we mean make sure you’re on the same side as the people you influence.

3 Have something valuable to give When it’s clear you have knowledge and experience to share, people listen.

2

Keating video, how to influence

others

1

Topic which people had lot of

interest during day 1 or 2

5DAY 3

3

Coaching

4

Ending video / story

6

Golden circle

Responsibility process

“I’m on your side”

3.2 To be able to lead others, you first need to be able to lead yourself


“A leader is best when people barely know he exists, when his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say: we did it ourselves.” Lao Tzu

“Leadership is the capacity to translate vision into reality.” Warren Bennis

“Before you are a leader, success is all about growing yourself. When you become a leader, success is all about growing others.” Jack Welch

thoughts about leadership5

“A leader is a dealer in hope.” Napoleon Bonaparte

“The art of leadership is saying no, not saying yes. It is very easy to say yes.” Tony Blair


They can move between association and disassociation.

They can measure the things they want to develop.

They can give immediate and accurate feedback.

They can make people willingly take action that they wouldn’t otherwise necessary do.

They lead people rather than processes.

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essential qualities of a winning influencer

The96

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They don’t take themselves too seriously.

They focus on things they have the power to influence.

They know how to inspire change by generating urge to change some-thing better.

They motivate people by creating feelings of success about things that are important to them.


top tips that will help you coach better10

First thing is to ask for the permission to coach.

Find out what is the most important to the person you’re coaching.

Clarify first the vision and purpose.

Say out loud what you are observing, as well as what you are sensing and hearing between the lines (body language).

Be bold to challenge people.

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Discussion: What needs to change in your inner world?

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Respect the fact that everyone is unique with own experiences.

Summarize and reflect back what you hear.

Help to identify what motivates the other person.

Learn to understand non-verbal hints and weak signals and active listening.

Focus on the success of the other person; it’s not about you.


Coaching can mean different things to different people – influencing, helping others or even a service – but how does the participant view it?

Discussion: What exactly is coach-ing? Is it mentoring, facilitating or leading?

3.3 Coaching defined and

analyzed

why

how

what


3.4 Golden circle: The Martin Luther King

way to communicate

Simon Sinek is a British author who has analyzed how greatleaders inspire action and why some people are able to achieve things, when others are not. His simple theory is called the Golden Circle and he believes it shows a pattern found in all great leaders. Simply put, they all think in the same way, and it’s the opposite of everybody else. When they influ-ence people they use an inside out way of communicating, asking why, how and what.

Draw the picture of the Golden Circle, explain and discuss.

Responsibility Owning your ability and power to create, choose, and attract

Quit

Giving

up

to a

void

the

pain

of

Sham

e an

d Obl

igat

ion

Obligation Doing what you have to instead of what you want to

Shame Laying blame onto oneself (often felt as guilt)

Justify Using excuses for things being the way they are

Lay Blame Holding others at fault for causing something

Denial Ignoring the existence of something

step-by-step process*)


*) rights registrated to Christopher Avery

No one thinks about personal responsibility when things go well. However, when some-thing goes wrong, no matter how large or small the prob-lem, The Responsibility Pro-cess kicks in. The mind offers “Lay Blame” as a reason. If you accept blame as a suffi-cient reason for things going wrong, then you will act on that blame. If you don’t accept it, then your mind offers you an excuse (Justify). And so on.

This means taking personal responsibility is a step-by-step process of refusing to act on a series of irresponsible thoughts that your mind offers up.

Discussion: Do you take full responsibility of your life and your choices?

3.5 Why leading others begins

by taking responsibility for yourself


3.7 An overview of the whole

three days3

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3.6 How to lead yourself so you can lead others

Getting enlightened: Find out what it is that you really want. What is your purpose in life?

Gaining commitment: Be committed to work for your purpose. Are you ready to pay the price?

Aiming for rebirth: Connect to your feelings and deep emotions; examine your thinking and behavior. Get ready to grow and learn new thinking and behavior. Also be ready to unlearn past patterns of behavior and beliefs.

Finding role models: Look for support from others and set new standards for yourself.

Doing, doing, doing! Whatever it is that you’ve decided to work for, you need to continue do-ing it. You need to act in order to make things a reality.

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The best way to look at the whole three days is to start from the beginning again, asking

the same question about changing the world and what that now means to the group. Try

to raise the discussion from within the group. This will make the whole experience more

complete and emotional. Remember that we are aiming for sustainable change for both

individuals and the organization.

In this final discussion, put some people in the spot-light and ask them to share their thoughts.

Top tip:


3.8 Ending of the session

Write a letter to your-self that will be sent to you after 6 months. In the future you can read what you planned to do and reflect upon what has changed. www.futureme.org

List 4 or 5 characteristics, which describe you. These can be strengths but also things, which you could improve. Place these in the “What I am today” column and then title another column “How I can be better tomor-row” and list your thoughts.

Share a touching story, which sum-marizes the different topics discussed during the previous couple of days.

There are a variety of ways to finish the session. Needless to say, you know your group best, but if you’re stuck for ideas, you could try these:


Top tip:

Congratulations! You’ve made it to the end of the three days. The question on most of the participants’ minds now is what happens next. It’s important at this point to remind them that learning really starts when the teacher leaves. Simply put, what matters the most is what they do next and how and why they change.

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”Shiny eyes”

thank you!


• Anthony Robbins: Awaken the giant within• Brene Brown: Gifts of imperfection• Charles Duhigg: The Power of habit• Daniel Kahneman: Thinking fast and slow• Daniel Pink: Drive• David Novak: Taking people with you• Eckhart Tolle: Power of Now• Jim Collins: Good to Great• Julia Cameron: The artists Way• Marshall Rosenberg: Non Violent Communication• Martin Seligman: Flourish• Michaly Csikszentmihalyi: Finding Flow• Michaly Csikszentmihalyi: Flow, The psychology of optimal experience• Robert Cialdini: Influence• Robert Fly: Iron John• Robin Sharma: The monk who sold his Ferrari• Robin Sharma: The saint, the surfer and the CEO. A remarkable story about living your heart’s desires• Robin Sharma: Who will cry when you die• Scott M. Peck: Road Less Travelled• Syed: Bounce, The Myth of Talent and the Power of Practice• Tom Demarco: SLACK• Viktor Frankl: Man’s search for meaning

tips for reading:


www.ericsson.com

executive leadership coaching manual

Leadership & Management