Female Monologue – Serio-comedy

My name is __________ and I will be performing A monologue from the book "Snow White Gets Her Say" by chris wind

Summary

Cinderella's sister has something to say.

Excerpt

The story goes that my sister and I were proud. True enough. What’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with being proud of what you can do, of what you’ve worked hard to learn well? All those gorgeous clothes people kept talking about were of my sister’s making she was into fashion design. And as for me, well, it was known I could ride a horse to win most competitions in the land. So sure we were proud. But vain? Yes, we spent a lot of time in front of that full-length mirror: my sister had to see the effect of her creations (and so I suppose she’s as vain as one gets in that line of work), and as a favor, especially on days too wet or too cold for the horses to be out, I often modeled her half-finished pieces for her. But that’s it. I wasn’t even good-looking, by contemporary standards, no peaches and cream in my complexion!

As for what happened at the ball, that’s true. She was very beautiful, our new little stepsister, we never denied that. And when beauty and wealth come together, most people fall over themselves like asses. Those at the ball were no different: to them, appearance is everything. My sister was stunned by Cinderella’s gown, and she gawked, it’s true. But out of professional interest, not jealousy as most people think. I wasn’t jealous either I just wanted to ride one of those impressive silver stallions she came with.

The rest of the story is pretty much accurate. All three of us went to the second ball, Cinderella forgot about her curfew, lost her slipper on the way out, and there is one thing I want to set straight: I did not try on the glass slipper. Quite apart from the fact that I didn’t want to marry that prince (or any prince, or anyone at all, actually) a glass slipper? You’ve got to be kidding, that’d be worse than wearing high heels! Not only would it make walking difficult, but with the obvious risk of broken glass, cutting, embedding, it would discourage movement altogether. No thank you!

Female Monologue – Comedy

My name is __________ and I will be performing A monologue from the film "Addams Family values" by Paul Rudnick

Summary

Debbie Jellinsky (Joan Cusack) is a scheming baby-sitter who plans to seduce uncle Fester (Christopher Lloyd) and then steal his money. She tries to separate Fester from the rest of the family but things don't go as planned...

In this monologue Debbie is about to electrocute the Addams family. She expresses her frustrations about them

Excerpt

Debbie Jellinsky: " I don’t want to hurt anybody. I don’t enjoy hurting anybody. I don’t like guns or bombs or electric chairs, but sometimes people just won’t listen and so I have to use persuasion, and slides.

My parents, Sharon and Dave. Generous, doting, or were they? All I ever wanted was a Ballerina Barbie in her pretty pink tutu. My birthday, I was 10 and do you know what they got me? Malibu Barbie. That’s not what I wanted, that’s not who I was. I was a ballerina. Graceful. Delicate. They had to go.

My first husband, the heart surgeon. All day long, coronaries, transplants. “Sorry about dinner, Deb, the Pope has a cold.” Husband number 2: the senator. He loved his state. He loved his country. Sorry Debbie. No Mercedes this year. We have to set an example.” Oh yeah. Set this!

My latest husband. My late, late husband Fester, and his adorable family. You took me in. You accepted me. But did any of you love me? I mean, really love me? So I killed. So I maimed. So I destroyed one innocent life after another. Aren’t I a human being? Don’t I yearn and ache…and shop? Don’t I deserve love…and jewelry? Good-bye everybody. Wish me luck."

Female Monologue –Comedy

My name is __________ and I will be performing A monologue from the play "Five Women Wearing the Same Dress" by Alan Ball

Summary

This play takes place during the wedding reception of a newly married couple, Tracy and Scott. Georgeanne is a friend of Tracy's and in this monologue she tells the other bridesmaids how she felt when she saw a guy she used to date at the wedding.

Excerpt

"I was walking down the aisle, first thing I saw was the back of his head. It just jumped right out at me. I recognized that little hair pattern on the back of his neck, where his hair starts, you know where it comes to those two little points, and it’s darker than the rest? I always thought that was so sexy. Then I looked at him during the ceremony, and something about the way the light hit his face … I swear, it just broke my heart. And then outside, I saw him talking to this total bitch in a navy blue linen dress with absolutely no back, I mean you could almost see her butt. And he was smiling at her with that smile, that same smile that used to make me feel like I really meant something to him. And then it all came back, just bang, all those times I sat waiting for his phone call, me going out of my way to make things convenient for him. Having to take a fucking taxi cab to the Women’s Health Center that day because It was so cold my car wouldn’t start. And later that awful, awful night I sat out in front of his apartment building staring at Tracy’s burgundy Cutlass in the driveway, just wishing I was dead. You know, I started smoking cigarettes that night. And if I ever die of cancer I swear it’s going to be Tommy Valentine’s fault. (She lights a cigarette, stands and wanders around listlessly.) God! I feel like I am going crazy! My cousin George, he’s a nurse, he says I am the perfect type to get some weird disease because I’m so emotional.

Female Monologue – Lamenting/Frustrated

My name is __________ and I will be performing A monologue from the Original/Stand alone monologue "Wrong and Ready" by Greta Zehner

Summary

This girl hates teenage life.

Excerpt

Oh, my gosh. I think I've just come up with the best theory. Teenage life sucks. That's it. I mean, once you hit 13, your life just goes (rocket). All the adults are like "I loved being a teenager!" Ha, sure. Well, I'm sorry but this isn't "Sunshine 70's" anymore. They're just trying to make us feel better. And the little kids are like "I can't wait to be a teenager! It would be so fun much to be older!" Haha, no you don't. No, you really don't.Okay, first of all, you're in Middle School when it all starts to happen. For some weird reason, it seems like when you're a teenager, all your friends start to turn on you. I mean, at first they're like "Hey, best friend!" and you know, you do the regular things like hang out and stuff. And then once you leave, they go around gossiping "Oh, my gosh, did you know that Gretchen made out with Justin at movies... oh yeah, it was definitely tongue," (what expression) I don't even know a Justin! Then, there's puberty. Actually, I'm not even gonna get into that.And then there's high school, the black-hole of all teenage life. Once you get there, everything starts to fall apart. First, everyone expects you to be this pencil thin stick or you're considered "fat", but when you are that thin, they just go spreading around that your anorexic! And all through high school, it's nothing but college this or college that, and the college-councilors are not much help about it. They're like "You fail! You lose! You fail at life! You better memorize the phrase 'You want fries with that?'! Grrr! I hate them! I wish they'd die!!!! (Sigh) Where was I? Oh yeah, life sucking. You know what, I'm tired of complaining. So, I just say two things to say: Adults, you're wrong, and kids, get ready."

Male Monologue – Comedy

My name is __________ and I will be performing A monologue from the film "Anything Else" by Woody Allen

Summary

David Dobel's funny insights on jokes..

Excerpt

"There's great wisdom in jokes, Falk, really. There's an old joke about a prizefighter in the ring. He's getting his brains beat out. And his mother's in the audience, and she's watching him getting beaten up in the ring...and there's a priest next to her and she says, "Father, pray for him." And the priest says, "I will pray for him but if he could punch, it would help...". There's more insight in that joke into what I call the Giant So What than most books on philosophy.... Women.... Camus said that women are all that we're ever going to know of paradise on earth. Now, in your case, Falk, there is a seminal joke that Henry Youngman used to tell that I think is perfect. It sums it up perfectly as far as you go. Guy comes into a doctor's office. He says, "Doc, it hurts when I do this." The doctor says, "Don't do it."...think about that.....

Male Monologue – Comedy

My name is __________ and I will be performing A monologue from the film "Anything Else" by Woody Allen

Summary

David Dobels tells his young protegee why he was in the nuthouse....

Excerpt

You're wrong. I am completely familiar with psycho analysis. Similar hustlers tried to fob it off on me at Payne Whitney. That's right, I was in Payne Whitney. A nuthouse.

I was in the psycho ward for six months, a vacation I don't look back on with great nostalgia. Hey, relax, you don't have to move away...I mean, I was violent. That's why they put you in a straightjacket. But I'm not going to take an ax and split your head open. You don't have to be scared....

I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, "Why did you get so depressed and do all those things you did?". I said, "I wanted this girl and she left me."... and he said, "Well, we have to look into that."... and I said, "There's nothing to look into! I wanted her and she left me." And he said, "Well, why are you feeling so intense?" And I said, "Cause I want the girl!" and he said, "What's underneath it?"... and I said, "Nothing underneath it! You know, I want the girl!... he said, "I'll have to give you medication or something...".... I said, "I don't want medication! I want the girl!" and he said, "We have to work this through." and at that point I took a fire extinguisher from the casement and struck him across the back of his neck. And before I know it, guys from Con Ed put jumper cables in my head”

Male or Female Monologue – Comedy

My name is __________ and I will be performing A monologue from the film "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" by John Hughes

Summary

Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick) a street-wise high school kid, decides to take a day off from school and takes his best friends along for the ride..

In this intro monologue Ferris Bueller gives us his smart-ass views on school.

Excerpt

"The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It's a good non-specific symptom. A lot of people will tell you that a phony fever is a dead lock, but if you get a nervous mother, you could land in the doctor's office. That's worse than school. What you do is, you fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, (confidentally) you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.I did have a test today. That wasn't bullshit. It's on European socialism. I mean, really, what's the point? I'm not European, I don't plan on being European, so who gives a crap if they're socialist? They could be fascist anarchists - that still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car. Not that I condone fascism, or any ism for that matter. Isms in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an ism - he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon: "I don't believe in Beatles - I just believe in me." A good point there. Of course, he was the Walrus. I could be the Walrus - I'd still have to bum rides off of people. "

Male or Female Monologue – Dramatic

My name is __________ and I will be performing A monologue from the play "Cooking with Elvis" by Lee Hall

Summary

Jill tries to commit suicide but survives. In this monologue, after surviving her suicide attempt, Jill reflects on her life, on what keeps her or her mom going through all that darkness. "It's the little things, maybe life's about those tiny moments that ....

Excerpt

“Somewhere in that fall something was irrevocably changed and when I woke up I couldn’t remember why it was that I’d tried to commit suicide...And I knew it was alright. Even if Dad was a cripple. And I asked Mam what had kept her going. Through everything that had happened. And she said she didn’t know..

But she said there was one time when she first brought him home. There was this one day when she just couldn’t cope any more and she got all these pills and a bottle of whisky and lined them all up in a row. And just before she was going to take them, she heard Dad moan from next door and she went in to see him. And she looked down at his face and on it was a smile. Just a brief smile. For a second. And then it was gone.

And maybe life isn’t about the tragedies. Maybe that’s just what’s normal, hurt and heartache, and loneliness and despair. Maybe life’s about those tiny moments that keep us going through all that darkness. The little things. Like a delicious supper, or a tiny moment of kindness, or a smile- just for a brief second. Maybe it’s about not giving up, and maybe we all have to try. But I’ll tell you one thing life’s weird, isn’t it?”

Male or Female Monologue – Dramatic

My name is __________ and I will be performing A monologue from the film "A Few Good Men" by Aaron Sorkin

Summary

Colonel Nathan Jessup (Jack Nicholson) is put on trial for the murder or private Santiago. Two marines are initially accused of the murder and they are defended by Lt. Daniel Kaffee (Tom Cruise), an inexperienced lawyer.Kaffee argues that private Santiago was given "code red" by Col Jessup for being incompetent. In this scene Col Jessup is in court and confronts Kaffee about the reasons and facts that he can't understand regarding what is necessary to keep the country safe. Yes he did order "code red".

Excerpt

"You can’t handle the truth! …Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinburg? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse the marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Santiago’s death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to."

Female Monologue – Comedy

My name is __________ and I will be performing A monologue from the film "Freaky Friday" by Heather Hach

Summary

In this monologue Anna Coleman flips out on her teacher Mr Bates, who unjustly gave her a bad grade because her mother Tess turned him down for a school dance when they were at school and now he is taking his revenge on her daughter.

Excerpt

"Mr. Bates, may I please speak with you? By what stretch of the imagination . . . I mean, like, how could I, like, get an "F"? I mean, what mistakes did I make? That was a college-level analysis. In a matter of fact I most certainly am qualified of making that point. "As in Hamlet, 'what's done is done'"? That's "Macbeth," you know-nothing twit.

Bates. Elton Bates. Griffith High School. Well, you asked me, I mean, my mom to the prom, but she turned you down. And now you're taking it out on her daughter, aren't you? Aren't you?! Oh come on, it was high school dance. I mean, you've got to let go and move on, man. And if you don't, I'm ! sure the school board would love to hear about your pathetic vendetta against an innocent student. Oh, and by the way Elton, she had a boyfriend, and you were weird."

Female Monologue – Comedy

My name is __________ and I will be performing A monologue from the Original/Stand alone monologue "Hi, Brian." by Brenna Allen

Summary

Brian breaks up with Ella after he finds out she is a stalker. Ella calls him in attempts to get back together.

Excerpt

Hey, Brian. It’s Ella. Again. I just saw this story in the newspaper that made me think of you. The headline was “I Married My Stalker” and it got me thinking-that could be me and you, but you keep calling the cops. Not that I’m upset about that or anything. Actually I thought I was kind of funny. Me? Being arrested for stalking? Ok. I mean, I wouldn’t call it stalking. It's more like.....investigating someone....you’re attracted to. Anyways, I thought it was kind of romantic. Like in Twilight when Edward watched Bella sleep. We could be Edward and Bella! My point is: I need you, Brian. And I think you need me. Remember that time I made you breakfast in bed? (Bitterly:) Although, I have to admit, you weren't very grateful. All I needed was a simple thank you… not “How did you get in my house?". But I can forgive you for that. We all make mistakes. So uh, call me when you get this. Bye! Love You!

Male Monologue – Dramatic

My name is __________ and I will be performing A monologue from the film "Mr. Deeds Goes to Town" by Robert Riskin

Summary

A desperate homeless man threatens Mr. Deeds with a gun but then breaks down and cries

Excerpt

"A moocher? Sure, everybody's a moocher to you. A mongrel dog eating out of a garbage pail is a moocher to you. (Takes out a gun from his pocket). Stay where you are young fellow! Get over there! You're about to get some more publicity, Mr. Deeds. You're about to get on the front page again. See how you're going to like it this time. See what good your money's gonna do when you're six feet under? You never thought of that. Did you? No....all you ever thought of was pinching pennies, you money-grabbing hick. You never gave a thought to all of those starving people in the bread lines...not knowing where their next meal was coming from...not able to feed their wife and kids. Not able to----(breaks down, throws the gun and sits on a chair). I'm glad I didn't hurt nobody. Excuse me. Crazy. You get all kinds of crazy ideas. Sorry. I didn't know what I was doing. Losing your farm after 20 years work. Seeing you kids go hungry. Game little wife saying everything's going to be all right. Stand there in the bread lines. It killed me to take a handout. I---I ain't used to it. Go ahead and do what you want with me, mister. I guess I am at the end of my....rope