every man needs a band of brothers

8/7/2019 Every Man Needs a Band of Brothers

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Dssp rN Hrs HEART, EVERy MAN wANTS To BE A pART oF A

team that does something great. Just look at the movies men adore. A

team comes together to save the world, steal the money, or win the

championship. The Lord of the Rtngs, X-Men, The Mawk, Saving Private

Ryan, Ocean's Eleven, Remember the Titans-dozens of these movies hit

the screens each year. They feature a band of brothers who attempt the

dangerous, the outrageous, the impossible. (Nowadays there's usually a

woman on the team, but she's as angular and muscled as a man.) Each

member of the team has a specialty and makes a vital contribution.

They take turns saving each other's life.

A band of brothers. Though he may not reaTize it, every man longs

to be part of one. It's the modelJesus left us. If the church was offeringthis kind of fellowship-united in purpose, mutually supportive, and

accomplishing great things-you would not be able to blast men out of

the church.

God looked at Adam and said, "It is not good for the man to be

alone" (Gen. 2:18 Nrv). Yet evidence suggests most men are alone, iso-

lated, and friendless-even at church. Gallup reported that 51 percent

of,.women had a best friend in their congregation, while only 35 per.

cent of men did.' Dan Erickson and Dan Schaeffer observe, "Even in

the church, very few men have close friends. For the most part, men are

spiritually fed but relationally bankrupt."'

You can implement every suggestion in this book, and men will still

fall away if they do not find a band of brothers to run with. According

toJohn

Eldredge, men need a little platoon where they can be real,

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EVERY MAN NEEDS A BAND OF BROTHERS IIt

where they challenge each other in their faith, where no one gets left

behind.

So how do we get men into platoons if they don't even like to go to

church?

First, fight the Lone Ranger mentaliry in our churches. christianity

has evolved into a me-and-God pursuit: read your Bible (alone), pray

(alone), come ro church (alone in a crowd). This spiritual individualism

is killing men.

Second, see little platoons as the basic unit of the church rather than

a desirable add-on. Small discipleship groups must become the cells

that form the body rather than appendages to the existing church body.

Ideally, Sunday morning church should be a garhering of litde platoons

to form the larger redemptive communiry.

Finally, create an environment where men can form meaningful

relationships. Pat Morley tells of a church that attracted large numbers

to its men's events, but few men grew spiritually despite the great

teaching: "Then the pastor decided to recruit shepherds to lead their

small groups instead of teachers. When the men had the opportuniry

to [talk about] what was going on in their lives (instead of having some-

one lecrure them), they began to open up. By building around relation-

ships, the church has grown tremendously."' Hear that? When men

started forming little platoons, the entire church grew! Masculine rela-

tionships build the church, and they build men.

RrlmlonsulPs: A Mlnnrnln FoR MEN

Relationships are a sensitive area for the average fellow Here are four

things you should know about men and relationships:

1. Though Men Want and N eed Relationships,

Thry Rarely llse the Term or Think Relationally

The term relanonship is loaded. A lot of guys have messed up every

relationship they've ever had, so they associate the word with hurt, mis-

understanding, and pain. In a man's mind, relationships are something

men have with women, not with other men. A man has to overcome a

truckload of fear and suspiciontohaye arelationship with another man.



tt'l MEETING MEN,S DEEPEST NEEDI

As I said in an earlier chapter, men comprehend relationships interms of activify. Ken has his work buddies, his fishing buddies, hiifootball buddies, and so on. Ken would never approach another man

and say, "Hey, Roger, can we have a relationship?" Such a request wouldarouse suspicion, because it's not expressed in terms of activiry Instead,

Ken would say, "Hey, Roger, let's go fishing." Ken and Roger could go

fishing every weekend for thirry years and never describe what they

have as a relntionship.

My advice: avoid the term relationship altogerher when dealing with

guys. At my church, we don't encourage folks to have relationships,Instead, we encourage them to get !)artnered up. partnership strggests

activify and a goal. It's a term that motivates men and women.

2, Women Form Relationships Face-to-Face;

Men Form Relationships Side by Side

In the church we form relationships the feminine way. Wb putpeople in circles and ask them to share. But men form relationshipe

while doing something else-driving a truck, going fishing, painring a

wall, or working on a car. Have you ever noticed when a man wants to

talk, he'll often suggest going for a drive? Men are intimidated by face.

to-face communication.

You may say "Our church has guys in small groups sharing their

hearts every week. They communicate face-to-face." But I'll bet these are

the higtrly verbal and relational men, or rhose who've been in church foryears. If you want to create an environment where any kind of man can

get into a little platoon, give men side-by-side bonding opporrunities.

The support groupstyle cirde is just too intimidating for many guys.

3. The Deepest Male Relationships

Are Formed in a Crucible

Men develop lasting friendships when theyve suffered rogerher. The

bonds formed on a battlefield are enduring. One time I asked my father

who his best friend was. He identified an old army buddy he'd hardly spo-

ken to in thirty years. Men who have competed together, sweat togethe!bled together, and overcome adversity together are bonded for life.

For most women, relationships are easy put two together over latt6s,

EVERY MAN NEEDS A BAND OF BROTHERS

and within minutes their hearts are open. But for many men, sruggle is the

only satisfactory backdrop for relationship. Let me give you an example,

Here in Alaska, men build their relationships through outdoor activities'

TVo guys will plan a hunting trip for six months. They'Il spend thousands

of dollars on gear and transportation. Then it's a week slogging through

mud, sleeping on hard ground in the cold, facing dangeq deprivation, and

adversity. Finally after the pair have suffered and overcome enough chal-

lenges, the men open up and tell what's on their hearts.

4, Don't Push Men Tbo Far,Too Fast, or Thq'llPult '\vvay

You can'tjust throw men together and expect them to become broth-

ers. It takes time. Sometimes we drive men off when we push for too

much depth too soon. I have a friend who, inspired byJesus' example,

decided to wash the feet of his small men's group during their first

meeting. This was too much, too soon. Most of the men were no-shows

the next week. Christ waited three years to gain that level of trust with

His disciples. Pushing the process will torpedo a men s group.

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It's not enough for men to connect with each other; they need to con-

nect with God. Our churches are fu1l of men who l<now about God, but

who do not know God personally.

For men the key question is not'Am I saved, confirmed, baptized,

a church member, a practicing Catholic, a believer, a Christian, or

Spirit filled?" All of these things are good, but they do not get to the

heart of the matter. The real question is not one of status but one of

practice: 'Am I walking with God? Am I followingJesus Christ today?"

Pastor Karl Clauson fiequently receives worried parents in his office.

They have adolescent or young adult children who are living a self-

destructive lifestyle. The conversation often goes like this:

PastoR: IsJohnny a follower of Jesus Christ?

. MorHsR: Well, he went to this camp when he was twelve, and

heaccepted...

22t



MEETING MEN,S DEEPEST NEEDS

PastoR: Wait a minute. Time out. IsJohnny a follower of Jesus

Christ?

FaTHsR: At fifteen he went through confirmation . . .

PesroR: Hang on. IsJohnny a follower of Jesus Christ today?

Once men are saved/confirmed/baptjzedlmembers, we tend to for-

get about them. We teach them principles and give them moral guid'

ance, but we do not show them how to walk with God. The average

churchgoing guy has no idea how to followJesus for three reasons: (1) he

has never been shown hov/ to do it, (2) he has never seen another man

doing it (other than a pastor), and (l) he thinks it's about religious prac-

tice and moral living.

We call men to confirmation, church membership, and salvation

because we can count these things. We can report them to headquar-

ters. It's harder to count the number of men walking with God, but is

there anything more important to the health of your church? Men

need to followJesus Christ, but we cannot expect them to do it alone.

It takes spiritual fathers and a band of brothers. It takes a team.

I've only scratched the surface of these important topics. If you

want to learn more, visit my Web site at www.churchformen.com. For

more on spiritual fathering, visit wwwbuildingbrothers. org.

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Jack received Christ during an invitation at his local church. Two

months later, he no longer went to church, had lost all contact with

believers, and was not living any discernible Christian life. More than

half of Christian conversions end this way.'

What if a spiritual father had taken responsibiliry forJack?

What ifhe'd been scooped up by a little platoon of men and discipled? With a

band of brothers spurring him on, do you thinkJack would abandon

the faith just eight weeks later? That's the strength of a little platoon-

no man gets left behind.

every man needs a band of brothers

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