EQUIPPING Counselors

TO EMPOWER

Students

Directors of Guidance Conference September 2012

Presenter: Marcey Mettica, MS, LPC-InternUnder supervision of Dr. Brandy Schumann, LPC-S, RPT-S, NCC

WelcomeWhat do you hope to learn today?

Goals of Misbehavior Recognizing it and what to do about it

Internal Motivation Encouragement vs. Praise Specific Tools

Limit setting Choice giving Coping skills

Wheel of Choice Brain Works

What’s Ahead

Objective 1 – Participants will learn four goals children have for misbehavior and how to meet the children’s needs with positive alternatives.

Objective 2 – Participants will learn the difference between an internal and external locus of control, how to create internal motivation, and the importance of doing so.

Objective 3 – Participants will learn the difference between encouragement and praise and be exposed to the latest research on the importance of the distinction.

Workshop Objectives

Objective 4 – Participants will learn how to teach positive coping mechanisms for children and specific activities and tools to do so.

Objective 5 – Participants will learn how to teach positive problem solving skills to children and specific activities and tools to do so.

Objective 6 – Participants will be equipped with information and tools to improve the effectiveness of their counselors in supporting students and training teachers.

Workshop Objectives (Cont.)

Why do they do that?What should I do about it?

Children’s Goals of Misbehavior

1.Gaining attention2.Gaining power and control3.Proving inadequacy4.Getting revenge

CHILDREN’S GOALS OF MISBEHAVIOR

Rudolph Dreikurs, “Children the Challenge”

GOAL 1: Getting Attention

CHILD’S FEELINGS / ACTIONS

• I only count when I am being noticed.

• I’m only important if I keep you busy with me.

• Child bothers others, shows off, minor mischief, class clown OR shy, uptight, messy anxious, or lazy.

GOAL 1: Getting Attention

• Annoyed, irritated, exasperated.

• Reminds, coaxes, pleads, gives attention.

• Temporarily halts child’s behavior when given attention.

ADULT’S FEELINGS / REACTIONS

• Reflect understanding – I care about you and will spend time with you later

• Redirect by assigning a task so the child can gain useful attention

• Set up routines and regular duties• Use problem solving skills• Ignore unwanted behavior when possible• Touch without words and use of nonverbal signs

POSITIVE ACTIONS TO MEET CHILD’S GOAL FOR ATTENTION

GOAL 2: Gaining Power

CHILD’S FEELINGS / ACTIONS • I only count when I am

dominating you or others.• I only count when you do

what I want you to do.• “You can’t make me!”• Argues, contradicts,

tantrums, defiant, dishonest, power struggles OR forgets, stubborn, disobedient, lazy.

• Let me help, give me choices.

GOAL 2: Gaining Power

• Angry, threatened, challenged, provoked

• Preachy, domineering, engages in power struggle

• Punishment escalates behavior because child works harder to be the boss

ADULT’S FEELINGS / REACTIONS

• Redirect to positive power by asking for help or assigning task

• Offer limited and age appropriate choices• Don’t fight or give in• Don’t engage in a power struggle• Be firm and kind• Whisper• Let routines and rules be the boss• Encourage positive behavior and choices

POSITIVE ACTIONS TO MEET CHILD’S GOAL FOR POWER

GOAL 3: Proving Inadequacy

CHILD’S FEELINGS / ACTIONS

• I can’t do anything right.• If I try, I will fail, so I won’t

try.• Child gives up, is

discouraged, and isolative.

• If corrected feels nothing or even worse and stops even small efforts.

GOAL 3: Proving Inadequacy

ADULT’S FEELINGS / REACTIONS

• Helpless• Gives up • Does too much for the

child• These actions will

reinforce feelings of inadequacy in the child.

• Encourage any attempt and celebrate small successes

• Break tasks down into small steps• Set up opportunities for success• Teach skills / model• Don’t do it for the child• Build on child’s interests• Stop all criticism• Have faith in child’s abilities• Don’t give up!

POSITIVE ACTIONS TO MEET CHILD’S GOAL FOR INADEQUACY

GOAL 4: RevengeCHILD’S FEELINGS /

ACTIONS • I need to push others away

to protect myself.• I am unlikeable.• People hurt me.• Malicious, violent, bad loser,

steals, hurts OR pouts, threatens, withdraws, moody.

• Help me, I am hurting, acknowledge my feelings, care about me.

GOAL 4: Revenge

ADULT’S FEELINGS / REACTIONS

• Hurt, shocked, angry.• Wants to get even or withdraw.• Punishment and retaliation leads to more hurtful

actions and escalating pushing others away.

• Encourage strengths and positive behaviors• Acknowledge hurt feelings• Use reflective listening• Avoid punishment• Build trust• Show you care

POSITIVE ACTIONS TO MEET CHILD’S GOAL FOR REVENGE

• Hardest to like – and they know it• Must build a connection with them• Non-verbals account for up to 93% of what we communicate• Notice and comment when he/she makes an improvement –

even a small one• Apologize if necessary – “what you do may not be as important

as what you do next”• Reflect feelings BEFORE taking action – communicate

understanding• Spend time with the child when he/she is being good• Take a time out if you need one

THE MOST DIFFICULT CHILD

BREAK OUT SESSION

What is the child’s goal of misbehavior?How should it be handled?

Motivation: The general desire or willingness of someone to do something

CAN YOU MOTIVATE?

INTERNAL AND EXTERNAL MOTIVATION

Internal• Driven by intrinsic

factors (self, pride, goals)

• Driven by curiosity and exploration

• Enjoyable • Self motivation

External• Driven by extrinsic

factors (parents, teachers)

• Rewards, deadlines, threats, social pressures

• Driven to please others, seek rewards or avoid punishment

http://positivepsychologynews.com/news/eleanor-chin/200901041123

Integrating The Two

• Intrinsic motivation is important to self-motivation• Too much makes us self-indulgent • External motivation is needed to “fit” in the world • Too much decreases motivation

Balance the goal with finding the right path

• Listen – what motivates and excites the child?• Observe – what are the child’s strengths? What do

they enjoy?• Reflect – help the child notice these things about

him/herself• Encourage rather than praise

Praise vs. EncouragementWhat’s wrong with saying “Good job!”

A confusing and difficult concept for some

• Praise after a task then becomes expected• Children learn to “perform” rather than “create”• Praise is evaluative and judgmental• Praise reduces self-reliance and self-control• Encouragement influences success later in life• Encouragement enables self-motivation • Encouragement recognizes effort• Effort, discipline, and emotional strength = critical life

skills

WHAT’S WRONG WITH SAYING “GOOD JOB”

http://www.noogenesis.com/malama/encouragement.html

ENCOURAGEMENT VERSUS PRAISE

PRAISE• Promotes rivalry and

competition• Focuses on quality of

performance• Child feels “judged”• Fosters selfishness • Creates quitters• Fosters fear of failure• Fosters dependence

ENCOURAGEMENT

• Promotes cooperation and contribution for the good of all

• Focuses on effort and joy• Child feels “accepted”• Fosters self-interest,• Creates triers• Fosters acceptance of being

imperfect• Fosters independence

http://www.thekidcounselor.com/articles/encouragement-vs-praise

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?

PRAISE

• You did great!• You are the best student!• You are always on time!• Your picture is so pretty!• I am so proud of you!• You’re a good helper!

ENCOURAGEMENT• Focus on effort and improvement

• You figured it out!• Describe and show interest

• You decided to . . . I see you are really thinking about this . . .

• Show confidence• Sounds like you have a plan . . . You

know a lot about . . . That is tough but I bet you’ll figure it out

• Focus on contributions• You made a difference by . . . Would you

help me?• Notice positive actions

• You didn’t give up . . . That was a kind thing to do . . . You are determined to get that done

Helpful Articles and Videos about Praise VS Encouragement

 Articles:  How Not to Talk to Your Kids: The Inverse Power of Praise. By Po Bronson

http://nymag.com/print/?/news/features/27840/  Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job!” By Alfie Kohn

http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm

If Praising Kids Is Bad, What Should I Do? How I Negotiate the Encouragement Problem. By Heather Turgeon

www.babble.com/kid/child-development/how-to-praise-kids-encouragement/ Videos:

The Myth Of Praise, ABC News. http://abcnews.go.com/video/playerIndex?id=8487839

Michael Jordan “Failure” commercial. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45mMioJ5szc

Michael Jordan “Maybe It’s My Fault” commercial. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=PH8nTfxwByY

SO WHAT’S A COUNSELOR TO DO?YOU NOW – Understand children have goals

for their misbehavior Know why encouragement is

better than praise Know why developing an internal

locus of control will reduce the need for external control

NOW WHAT?• Specific tools and programs

• Limit Setting• Choice Giving• Healthy Coping Skills

• Wheel of Choice Problem Solving• Brain Works

SPECIFIC TOOLS

A-C-T• A – Acknowledge the child’s feeling

• Accept the feeling not the behavior• C – Communicate the limit

• Simple, calm, and firm• T – Target alternatives

• What is acceptable

• EXAMPLE:• A – You are really mad that you can’t have the book right now• C – But someone else is reading it • T - You may read the book when we return from lunch or tomorrow,

which do you choose?

LIMIT SETTING

• Using the word “CHOICE” or “CHOOSE” returns responsibility back to the child

• Choice giving is a great tool to empower children

• Give both parts of the choice – the consequence and the positive part

• Always follow through

CHOICE GIVING

• A FEW EXAMPLES:• Suzy, if you choose to put the doll

away now, you may choose to play with it again today. If you choose to not put the doll away now, you choose to not play with it again today.

• Sam, you may choose to sit quietly and continue listening to the story we are reading or you may choose to get a puzzle and sit quietly at your desk.

• Kelly, you may choose to walk to the back of the line or you may choose to hop to the back of the line.

CHOICE GIVING

Stress, anger, sadness = poor attention and memory

Poor coping skills lead to high risk behaviors School triggers stress but also a safe place

to learn Normalizes feelings Peer learning

Kids learn coping skills (+ & -) from parents, peers, and teachers

COPING SKILLS

Why teach positive coping skills? Increases students’ self confidence and self esteem Increases internal locus of control (intrinsic

motivation) Reduces behavior problems in the school Teaches positive life skillsTwo Programs

Wheel of Choice program (elementary) Brain Works program (pre-teen/adolescent)

COPING SKILLS

• Based on Positive Discipline in the Classroom• Curriculum based approach with 14 lessons• Teaches life skills• Students can create their own “choices”• Gives students a visual reminder and easy to use

tool

WHEEL OF CHOICE PROGRAM

Program created by Jane Nelson and Lynn LottInformation presented with permission from Jane Nelson

Positive Discipline Lesson Plans

1.Share and Take Turns2.Apologize3.Ask Them To Stop4.Be a Friend5.Go to Cool-off Spot6.Count to Ten7.Ignore It

8. Mistaken Goal Chart9. Put It on the

Agenda10.Say What You Want11.Try Again12.“I” Messages13.Work it out Together14.Ask for Help

Complete program available at www.positivediscipline.com

WHEEL OF CHOICE

WWW.EMPOWERINGPEOPLE.COMInformation presented with permission from author, Jane Nelson

CREATE A WHEEL OF CHOICE TOGETHER

Horizon School – Newport Beach, CA Classroom in Horizon School

Many Lesson plan ideas and comprehensive school program (www.copingskills4kids.net)

Teach brain knowledge – Brain development

Nearly fully developed by age 12 Frontal lobe development up to mid 20’s

Kids eager to learn about themselves What happens to the brain when we are upset? How can we better manage our emotions?

Brain Works Project

Handout of Project Example Emotional experiences Loss, rejection, betrayal or humiliation? How do I feel inside? How does this experience make me feel about

myself? How did I cope (+ and -)? What is something positive you’ve learned

about yourself through this upsetting experience?

Brain Works Project

Have older students brainstorm a list of positive coping skills

Explain that sometimes people choose negative coping skills (i.e. drugs, alcohol, self-harm, aggression, isolation etc.)

Distribute the list Each student can create their

own Wheel of Choice with coping skills that work best for them

POSITIVE COPING SKILLS

Great links from Polk Elementary School Website – Dearborn Heights, Michigan (see handout)

http://polkdhsd7.sharpschool.com/staff_directory/p_b_s_behavior_intervention/tier_1_interventions/teach_coping_skills

Additional Resources

Breakout Session

Create your own Wheel of Choice for Your Personal Coping Skills

PLEASE COMPLETE EVALUATION FORM

Marcey Mettica, MS, LPC-InternUnder supervision of Dr. Brandy Schumann, LPC-S, RPT-

SChild, Adolescent, Adult and Group Counselor

Play Therapist and Parenting Trainer

marcey@tots.pro

Therapy on the Square114 ½ E Louisiana, Ste. 201

McKinney, TX 75069972-439-5160 direct972-886-8375 office