The Ten Rules For Your Home

Billy Barnett MS, LMHC

This presentation can be viewed at http://billythecounselor.blogspot.com

My Website: http://barnetttherapyservices.weebly.com

Guiding Verse

Colossians 2:8-10

See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ. For in Him the whole fullness of deity dwells bodily, and you have been filled in him who is the head of all rule and authority.

Part One:

Our job as parents is to point our children to the Bible, where they can develop a way to view the world through the truth that God has revealed.

Scenario 1

Dillon is in seventh grade. He comes home from school and sits in front of the television. He watches tv while his mother tells him he needs to clean his room and do his homework. He says, “I will” each time she asks. After two hours mom gets mad and yells at him. She says, “Why do you do this to me every day? Do you like making me mad? Don’t you love you mother Dillon?”

Dillon continues to procrastinate but slowly moves around his room putting a few things away. He does not want to start his homework because he knows it will take him an hour to finish.

Dad comes home at 8pm and sees that Dillon is continuing to work on his room as slowly as possible. Dad asks, “Why haven’t you done your homework yet Dillon?” Dillon tells dad that mom is making him clean his room. Dad thinks…doesn’t she know it’s time for him to go to bed soon? He won’t finish his homework. What is she thinking? I can’t believe she doesn’t use any discipline with him. Dad tells Dillon, “I am your father. You do what I tell you to do. You need to stop messing around in your room and do your homework.”

Unintended Consequences

Instead of pointing Dillon to his own responsibility, Mom tries to get her need for affection met, by indicating that Dillon must not love her.

Dad gives Dillon the opportunity to blame mom for his choices to avoid his homework.

Dad overrides mom’s discipline attempt without communicating with her.

Alicia is in the eighth grade. She has been coming home from school and crying in her bedroom off and an on for the last two weeks. She is experiencing verbal abuse from the other girls because she “sticks out.” Alicia feels that her friends pick on her because she is a Christian. She is proud of her faith, but she knows that she is different. She is struggling to talk to her parents. Her father gets frustrated when he hears that she is getting bullied. He yells about the school and immediately gives advice about what to say to win the arguments with the girls. Mom said she was going to the school to get the teacher involved. Alicia assumes that her father wants her to stand up for herself. She thinks her mom wants to fight her battles for her. She imagines how the other girls will laugh at her for “bringing her mommy to school.”

She becomes more depressed and does not know where to turn.

Scenario 2

Alicia will feel robbed of her individuality in a few years if her parents continue this pattern.

Dad’s actions demonstrate his belief that this is his responsibility to fix by giving her advice.

Mom’s actions demonstrate her belief that this is her responsibility to fix by threatening to go to the school to confront the teacher.

Notice how we have two conflicting forms of help from the parents. Neither strategy helps Alicia learn a healthy lesson about herself or her

identity in Christ.

They did not ask Alicia what kind of support she needs to make choices with this struggle at school. Neither of them demonstrated confidence in their daughter’s abilities to learn from life’s struggle to make decisions.

Unintended Consequences

Little Johnny is running around the store, hiding in the clothes racks and just bouncing off the walls. His mother is clinging to her infant while little Johnny runs wild. She keeps telling him, “stop” and “don’t do that” , but she is too embarrassed to yell…for the first half-hour of her shopping trip. After she has had enough of trying to get him under control with her constant pleading with him, she finally explodes and tells little Johnny, “That’s it! Your grounded for a week!” Little Johnny begins to scream and break down in the middle of the store. He throws himself on the ground and rolls around on the floor, which makes his mom even more embarrassed. The other shoppers try not to look shocked, but mom can see it in their eyes…they show a look of judgment and scorn at her inability to get Johnny to behave.

Scenario 3

Unintended Consequences

Mom continues to feel that she does not have what it takes to manage Johnny’s behaviors in public.

Johnny learns that he can push mom’s limits and boundaries since there are no negative side effects to his choices.

Johnny may not learn to connect cause and effect later in life. It may be especially difficult for him later to understand how other people feel or respect their feelings. (Empathy)

The Ten CommandmentsExodus Chapter 20

The best behavior modification template follows God’s design.

1. God gave us ten commandments which are His rules.2. He tells us He is God and we are not.3. These rules (The Word of God) are written on the hearts

(Conscience) of everyone.

Part Two: The Word

Ten Rules for our home…

As understood by our two year old Elizabeth, Lauren and me.

1. We tell the truth.2. We only put food in our mouth.3. We clean up when we are done.4. We say “yes, ma’am/sir”5. We don’t throw our toys.6. We say “please” and “thank you.”7. We are gentle with books.8. We stop when mom/dad says stop.9. We don’t bang on the table.10. We don’t yell inside.

Ten Rules for Alicia:

1. I will finish my school work before it is due.2. I will not argue with my parents after they have considered my request or frustrations.3. I will not try to get permission from one parent after the other has already said no. (Splitting, boundaries, respect)4. I will not use my friends as an example of how my life should be.5. I will tell the truth.6. I will not with-hold the truth.7. I will tell my parents where I am going and who I am going with.8. I will not go off with people my parents do not approve of.9. I will be home by 10pm on Friday and Saturday night.10.I will spend 15 minutes per day doing chores.

How to use the ten rules for your home.

If you ______ then _______ will happen.

Gen. 2:17 …but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die.

If you eat from that tree…then you will die.

We ate from the tree…and began to die in our sin…

InterventionJohnny, if you go into the clothes rack again, we are going to go to that corner over there and have time out. Do you want to go to time out?

Johnny’s response option 1. No.Then stop going into the clothes rack. If you go in the clothes rack again you will go to time out.

Johnny’s response option 2. Sure, I’ll go to time out.Take Johnny to time out…repeat as necessary.

If the child does not stop the behavior you can find something more valuable for him to lose. (This is most fun with teenagers and dad’s car.)

Their stuff can go to time out too! (Or your stuff for that matter.)

It’s okay for a non-compliant child to go to time out many, many, many times.

Eventually, after you consistently point to the rule he will realize that he is responsible for his choices.

He will change his behavior, because he sees that you will not be split from the rules.

What if it doesn’t work?

Part Three: Jesus was the word.

One of the biggest struggles we have as parents is to have our children comply with what we say.

We put ourselves on the throne.

Our goal should be to help them make decisions, not just do what we say…

Sometimes we put mom on the throne or dad on the throne. But we have to take Jesus off of the throne to do this.

Splitting or Divisions:

Sometimes we model to our kids that we are the rule…”do what I say.” This is called splitting in psychology and divisions in the Bible.

By pointing to the rules, I am pointing them back to God, and their choice to follow His standard. It keeps me and my flaws out of it.

Jesus is the only exception to the difference between rules and people.

John 1:1-2 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God.

Verse 14: And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us.

Isaiah 53:5 But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by his wounds we are healed.

Jesus laid down His authority on the cross. Therefore, I should remain humble too. He was the Word (or the rules). If I point my child to the rules I point them towards Christ.

One of the most important lessons your child can learn is that you are very comfortable not being God. This teaches them to “internalize” or take in their responsibility for their choices. When they learn a lesson it contributes to their identity, and they grow in character. Teaching them structure and consistency teaches them to build internal boundaries against sin.

Internalization

We follow the ten rules to communicate a clear understanding of our expectations for our children.

We follow them because these are the rules that the children have agreed are fair.

We follow them as parents because we are demonstrating that we live by the same standards, values and rules that they do.

We follow them because God gave ten commandments for His people to follow.

Why we follow the ten rules

We follow them because Jesus was the ten commandments in bodily form, and we want to point our children towards Him.