Love to Nurture is a relationship-driven, grace-based, trauma-wise

style of parenting that holds sacred the dignity of every child, the

uniqueness of every child, the emotional safety of every child, and

the developmental stage of every child.

FE

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IP

MONTHLY PARENTING JOURNAL

A P O W E R F U L

E M O T I O N A L

DE-ESCALATION TOOL

VA L I D AT I O N

Each and every day, kids are learning about the world around them. As they explore and engage, they’re also learning about emotions—about anger, sadness, fear, happiness, joy, excitement, and love. Sadly, so many kids entering foster care have learned that this big world is unsafe and uncertain. They have also often learned unhealthy ways to understand their emotions and engage with the world and others around them.

As foster parents, it is important to understand emotional regulation and co-regulation and how to best practice, model and teach about healthy, emotionally safe relationships with the kids in our care. As caregivers, we can help bring healing to children and teens through understanding and validating their emotions.

even crying—to be intolerable. Or perhaps anger isn’t

acceptable, but sadness is. Interpreted as disrespect,

weakness, or manipulation, emotions can be forced under

the surface even by well-meaning caregivers through

control, reactivity, intimidation, physical punishment,

minimization or subtle guilt trips. The results of these

dynamics can vary: some kids may become emotionally

flat and seemingly compliant (known as “shut down

syndrome”), yet silently seething with anger; some may

become rageful, explosive and “out of control;” others

may become physically ill (a chronic cough is sometimes

associated with “choked back” emotions); some children

may become depressed (depression has been described

by some as “anger turned inward”); and some kids,

afraid of the vulnerability of sadness, may resort to rage.

Even the emotion of happiness can be difficult for some

children—all too often their feelings of glee have been

bluntly abbreviated by a moody, critical, alcoholic or self-

absorbed parent.

Even healthy parents can struggle with managing and

expressing their own negative feelings adaptively, making

it harder to help children appropriately express theirs.

As foster parents, your ministry to infants, children, and

teens exposes you to intense complexities of emotional

expression from rage to depression and everything in

between. A lot of it, sadly, may even be directed at you!

How are you to deal with that? What has worked for you

in the past and what has backfired? As Love to Nurture

parents, one of your most powerful tools is the skill of

validation, which is simply giving children permission to

feel their feelings and empathetically communicating

that you “get” how they are feeling. I love this quote from

Trauma Through a Child’s Eyes, “Paradoxically, feelings

change once felt.”

Dysfunctional

families have three

unspoken rules:

don’t talk, don’t

feel, and don’t

trust. Often this

means that adults

can find children’s

emotions—

especially anger,

DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES HAVE THREE UNSPOKEN RULES: DON’T TALK, DON’T FEEL , AND DON’T TRUST

A TANGLED BALL OF EMOTIONS AND THE POWER OF VALIDATION By Jacque Thurman, MHR

A P O W E R F U L

E M O T I O N A L

DE-ESCALATION TOOL

VA L I D AT I O N

So before we look at validation techniques with children, here are two preliminary probes to

get you in tune with your own feelings regarding emotional expression. Talk these over with a

spouse, close friend or therapist.

First, explore how feelings—both pleasant and unpleasant—were handled in your family

of origin. Are there any similarities in your household today? Or, is there perhaps a sense of overcompensation for what you may have missed growing up? The goal is not to place blame but to uncover how your family of origin has impacted the dynamics and unspoken emotional rules in your home today.

Second, reflect on how you typically respond or react to children’s negative emotions and the

feelings these expressions elicit in you. Do your responses convey, “I’m a secure base and I can handle your intense feelings,” or “Your intense feelings are too much for me.” Does your tone of voice and body language match up with your words? Do you find yourself wishing a child would trust you, yet irritated if he or she speaks up when something is not working for him?

Although not a cure-all or quick-fix, there are some simple techniques that can both soothe the raw expression of emotion and

elicit the healthy expression of emotion within the context of your family. Use your discretion and intuition when choosing which

techniques to use. Every situation and child is different, but with a healthy dose of determination and practice, parents can

improve the dynamics of their relationships with their kids through the power of validation.

To quote from Kids in Crisis, “Saying the right words (based on developmental age) in the right tone of voice at the right time under

the right conditions can work wonders for any child.”

One of our most important responsibilities as parents is to provide an atmosphere of emotional safety where kids can express

a full range of emotions, and to help our children express their feelings adaptively in the context of relationship. Their patterns

of relating can often be traced back to their first year of life or trauma, but showing love over time, through validation, helps

them learn that relationships can be safe. Experiencing emotionally safe relationships can improve their academic performance,

boost the effectiveness of interventions, and even help them catch up developmentally. As someone once said, “Healthy brain

connections depend on healthy human connections.”

1. HOW WERE FEELINGS HANDLED IN YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN?

2. HOW DO YOU REACT TO CHILDREN’S NEGATIVE EMOTIONS?

Sources: Kids in Crisis, Ross Wright; Soul-Healing Love, Drs. Tom and Beverly Rodgers; The Patriarchs, Beth Moore; Trauma Through a Child’s Eyes, Peter Levine and Maggie Kline; Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss, Claudia Jewett-Jarratt

Here is an example of God validating negative feelings

from Genesis 16. The story can be summarized like this:

Pregnant and angry, Hagar, an Egyptian maidservant,

had fled her overwhelming circumstances. She had been

manipulated into bearing her master’s offspring and was

treated harshly by the wife, who set up the whole thing

in the first place. Feeling used and alone, she ran away,

hoping to make it back to her homeland of Egypt. Verse 7

says, “God found Hagar.” In the following encounter, God

asks her, “Where have you come from and where are you

going?” Even though He already knows, He asks her the

question to draw her out. He tells her to “go back,” thus,

holding her accountable for her reactivity and running

away. He validates her feelings of misery. And through

that encounter, He builds trust.

From then on, Hagar referred to Him as “the God who

sees me.” The theme of this story, as Beth Moore writes,

is that God “sees when no one else cares to look. He sees

through the smile we wear when we’re dying inside. He

sees our hurt when we’re mistreated. He sees us when

we cry into our pillow because we feel unloved. He sees

beyond our sin into the depth of our need. He sees when

we’re hiding. Running...” As foster parents, you have an

amazing window to “see” into the souls of the children in

your care.

May you be empowered by “the God who sees” to

manifest His love in a tangible way to the hurting children

among you—not only when they’re cute and compliant,

but also when they’re pushing you away, afraid to trust,

and experiencing intense negative feelings.

VALIDATION TIPS

1

2

3

Relate to children according to their

emotional age, rather than their

chronological age, and watch for

seasons of emotional regression too.

Anger is a secondary emotion. Use the

following acronym, developed by Drs.

Tom and Beverly Rodgers, to help you

sort out your own angry feelings and

those of the kids in your care.

It’s the GIFT exercise.

Under the anger is it

Guilt, Inferiority, Fear,

and/or Trauma/Pain

G

I

F

T

Remember, “Paradoxically, feelings

change once felt.”

— guilt

— inferiority

— fear

— trauma/pain

CRYING, SADNESS,FEAR

• Mirror their feelings (even babies need to feel

heard and validated).

• Give them permission to feel these emotions: (“It’s

okay to feel sad or scared. I’m here for you.”).

• Give them time to express themselves.

• Ask them if they’re going to be okay when you

sense that resolution is in sight. This empowers

them to define their experience.

• Minimize by saying, “You’re

okay. You’re okay.” This

comment teaches them not to

trust their feelings and puts

distance between them and you,

inhibiting trust.

• Shame them for crying or being

scared over “nothing.”

• Rush or hurry them through it.

ANGER • Pause and take a deep breath.

• Adopt a soothing tone of voice (this helps a child’s

“feeling center” of the brain calm down).

• Get down to their eye level and empathetically

make statements that convey, “I can see that

you’re mad, I’m secure enough to handle your

anger, why don’t you tell me how mad you are...”

Once they feel this sense of safety, their anger will

often turn to sobs. Open your arms to hold them if

appropriate and be that emotional “container.”

• Be permissive with the feelings, but set limits

with the behavior. For example, say, “It’s okay to

be mad, but it’s not okay to hit.” This is a two-fold

opportunity to teach them how to express anger

and to build trust by validating their feelings.

• If they make hurtful statements to you during a

tirade such as, “You’re not my real mom,” or “I hate

you,” when the time is right, validate their feelings

while also modeling vulnerability. Without taking

on a victim role, compassionately say, “It’s okay for

you to be made at me, and I understand that I’m

not your real mom. I’m wondering what you need

from me the next time you feel really angry.” This

builds trust.

• When appropriate, give them space (if they go to

their room and slam the door, give them some time

to cool down before you approach them).

• Raise your voice (this provokes

the release of more adrenaline

in both of you).

• Threaten punishment,

exaggerate the situation, or

shame them.

• Use threatening body language.

• Nag, lecture, or follow them

around, especially if they need

their space.

HAPPINESS • Pay attention to any tendencies on your part to

put a damper on a happy mood.

• Join in on the fun or laughter (if dinner is on

the table and you find your kids being silly and

laughing, join them for a few minutes before you

end their fun).

• Thank them when they help, even if they missed a

corner sweeping the floor, even if they spilled the

juice while helping themselves.

• Smile at them a lot and share their enthusiasm or

excitement with them.

• Criticize. This can prevent them

from fully expressing happiness

out of fear of criticism.

• Force them to feel happy all the

time.

EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION DOs AND DON’Ts

— guilt

— inferiority

— fear

— trauma/pain

• Teach and coach self-regulation skills through

modeling, instruction, opportunities for practice,

prompts for skill enactment, and reinforcement

of each step towards successful use of skills. Like

a coach on a sports team, caregivers should first

teach skills, and then provide needed supports, or

scaffolding, for self-regulation enactment in the

moment.

There are three broad categories of support that

caregivers can provide to children, youth, and young

adults that will help them to develop foundational

self-regulatory skills and expand these skills to meet

increasingly complex regulatory needs as they grow

(Murray et al., 2015):

• Provide a warm, responsive relationship by

displaying care and affection; recognizing and

responding to cues that signal needs and wants;

and providing caring support in times of stress.

Caregivers can build strong relationships with

children, youth, and young adults by communicating,

through words and actions, their interest in the

young person’s world, respect for the young person

as an individual, and commitment to caring for the

young person no matter what (i.e., unconditional

positive regard).

• Structure the environment to make self-

regulation manageable, providing a buffer against

environmental stressors. This means creating an

environment that is physically and emotionally safe

for children, youth, and young adults to explore and

learn at their level of development without serious

risk to their wellbeing. Consistent, predictable

routines and expectations likewise promote a sense

of security by providing clear goals for behavior

regulation.

CO-REGULATION FROM BIRTH THROUGH YOUNG ADULTHOOD By K.D. Rosanbalm and D.W. Murray, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services

HOW TO CO-REGULATE

PROVIDE WARM,

RESPONSIVE RELATIONSHIP

STRUCTURE THE

ENVIRONMENT

TEACH/COACH SELF-REGULATION

SKILLS

HOW MUCH CO-REGULATION IS NEEDED?

Capacity for self-regulation develops over time, from infancy through young adulthood (and beyond). Consequently, the amount

of co-regulation a child, youth, or young adult needs will vary as they grow. The graph below presents a theoretical model of

the balance of a young person’s capacity for self-regulation and need for adult support. This is merely a conceptual depiction

of normative growth in self-

regulation capacity; the exact

ratio will vary by individual and

situation. One way of thinking

about this ratio is that, for optimal

functioning in the moment,

children, youth, and young adults

need to have their self-regulation

“bucket” filled. Depending

on developmental stage,

environmental circumstances,

and individual differences,

young people themselves have

the capacity to fill their self-

regulation bucket to varying

levels. To successfully manage

their thoughts, feelings, and

behaviors, they need caregivers

to provide co-regulation that fills

the remainder of the bucket.

As illustrated by the red ovals in

the graph below, there are two

clear developmental periods

where child and youth abilities to

self-regulate can increase dramatically due to corresponding changes in brain development. These are early childhood and early

adolescence. During these periods, intervention and co-regulation support can capitalize on child and youth readiness to build

and practice new self-regulation skills. Support in these developmental windows may be particularly well-timed to smooth life

transitions, first into school and then into adulthood.

BALANCE OF SELF-REGULATION AND CO-REGULATION

YOUTH SELF-REGULATION

FULL “BUCKET”

RE

GU

LAT

ION

INFANT/TODDLER PRESCHOOL CHILDHOOD ADOLESCENCE YOUNG ADULT

CAREGIVER CO-REGULATION

WHAT ABOUT CAREGIVER SELF-REGULATION?

The first thing for caregivers such as parents, teachers, coaches, and other mentors to focus on is their own capacity for self-

regulation. To co-regulate successfully, caregivers will need to:

• Pay attention to their own feelings and reactions during stressful interactions with a child, youth, or young adult.

• Pay attention to their own thoughts and beliefs about the behaviors of others.

• Use strategies to self-calm and respond effectively and compassionately. Caregivers greatly benefit when they take

a moment for some deep breaths or self-talk. When a caregiver responds calmly to a child, youth, or young adult, it

helps to keep the young person’s feelings from escalating and also models regulation skills.

Self-regulation during a stressful interaction with a child, youth, or young adult is no easy task, particularly when there are

multiple activities and stressors vying for a caregiver’s mental and emotional resources. Caregivers may need support, practice,

and coaching from friends/family or professionals to build their own coping and calm-down skills, which in turn will aid them in

promoting these skills for the children, youth, and young adults in their care.

In Infancy:

• Provide warmth and nurturing

• Anticipate needs and respond to cues

• Provide structure and consistent routine

• Provide physical and emotional comfort

when child is distressed or dysregulated:

speak calmly and give affection

• Modify the environment to decrease

demands and stress

In Toddlerhood, in addition to above:

• Teach age-appropriate rules and

expectations

• Label emotions; teach and coach use of

words to express emotions

• Model waiting and self-calming strategies

• Redirect child attention to regulate

behavior

In Preschool-Aged Children, in addition to

above:

• Teach and coach identification of

solutions to simple problems

• Coach and incentivize rule-following and

task completion

• Model, prompt, and reinforce self-

calming strategies like taking a deep

breath

• Provide external structure for calming

down, including a calm-down space and

materials

DURING THE PRESCHOOL YEARS

Children will need considerable repetition, prompting,

and practice in using these new skills. Likewise, caregiver

modeling of these skills is important, as children

watch adults closely to learn how they should behave.

Co-regulation in this stage will include teaching and

communicating clear rules and expectations.

As in earlier developmental periods, preschool children

continue to need structured, predictable environments

and warm, responsive caregivers that provide a

supportive context in which to practice new skills.

DO ALL CHILDREN, YOUTH, AND YOUNG ADULTS

REQUIRE THE SAME LEVEL OF CO-REGULATION

SUPPORT?

Though all children, youth, and young adults need co-

regulation support, there are individual differences in self-

regulation capacity and need for co-regulation support.

These differences may be based on internal factors such

as biology, temperament, and/or skill development. They

may also result from environmental factors including

experiences of stress and adversity. Children, youth,

and young adults with self-regulation difficulties due to

either internal or environmental factors may have more

sensitized neurological responses to interpersonal and

environmental stimuli, and may need greater levels of

caregiver support, skill-building, and coaching. These

young people may be more easily overwhelmed by

physical sensations (e.g., sound, touch, sight) and by

emotions, and are likely to have strong reactions when

they find the environment overstimulating. Effective

co-regulation, including the presence of a supportive

caregiver in a calm environment, can provide safety and

stability for these children, youth, and young adults,

creating a space where they can begin to learn and enact

self-regulatory skills.

CO-REGULATION FOR YOUNG CHILDREN

• Continue to provide a warm, nurturing,

supportive relationship

• Assist in problem-solving more complex

academic, behavioral, and social

situations

• Model conflict resolution strategies

• Prompt and coach coping skills and calm-

down strategies, including self-talk and

relaxation

• Teach and support organization and

planning skills needed for academic

success

• Provide opportunities to make decisions

and self-monitor behavior

WHAT CO-REGULATION SUPPORT DO ELEMENTARY-

AGED CHILDREN NEED?

Skills for caregivers to teach and practice with children

during the elementary years include:

• Emotional literacy, including recognizing emotions

and using words to express more complex feelings

• Emotion regulation:

• Ignoring things that are mildly irritating,

distracting, or frustrating

• Calming down using strategies like deep

breathing, relaxation, imagery, or positive

self-talk

• Social flexibility, such as trying a friend’s idea or

considering others’ perspectives

• Social skills, like being patient and taking turns

• Paying attention and staying focused

• Working independently

• Persistence with difficult tasks

• Problem-solving skills and flexible thinking

CO-REGULATION FOR ELEMENTARY AGED CHILDREN

WHAT CO-REGULATION SUPPORT DO ADOLESCENTS NEED?

In adolescence, brain architecture once again undergoes major changes, bringing both benefits and challenges for self-regulation.

In early and mid-adolescence, brain systems that process emotions and seek rewards are more developed than the cognitive

control systems responsible for good decision-making and future planning. This means that teens are biased towards choices

that offer short-term reward rather than long-term benefit, and their emotions heavily influence their decisions. Given that poor

decisions during adolescence can have long-term negative consequences, this is not the time for caregivers to step back from

their supportive roles; co-regulation support during this developmental period is crucial.

Though adolescents are developmentally separating from caregivers and seeking more independence, maintenance of a

warm and accepting relationship with a caring adult is as important as ever. Adolescents will need caregivers who can listen

supportively in times of strong emotion, provide space and support for youth to calm-down in times of conflict, and coach coping

skills for a multitude of stressful situations. Likewise, though adolescents do need opportunities for independent decision-making

and action, they have equal need for caregivers to monitor their actions, protect them from dangerous situations, and support

responsible choices. Skills for caregivers to teach and coach across adolescence include:

• Awareness of and attention to emotions

• Strategies to tolerate and manage normal levels

of stress/distress

• Strategies for seeking help when stress is

unmanageable or the context is dangerous

• Effective organization, time management,

and task completion skills

• Setting longer-term goals and self-

monitoring to achieve them

• Problem-solving complex life situations

• Effective decision-making “in the

moment”

• Anticipating challenges and

problem-solving in advance

• Decision-making with a future

perspective

• Compassion for self and others

WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT CO-REGULATION

INTERVENTIONS ACROSS DEVELOPMENT?

A recent review of 312 studies of interventions to

promote self-regulation in children, youth, and young

adults found that all infant/toddler interventions and

more than half of interventions for preschool-aged

children employed a co-regulation component.

By elementary school, however, only a third of

interventions for child self-regulation included a focus on

caregiver co-regulation.

This number fell to 20% in middle school, 5% in high

school, and 0% in young adulthood, which indicates a

missed opportunity to support youth and young adults

as they enter more complex environments requiring

increasingly sophisticated skills.

Source: Excerpts from: Rosanbalm, K.D., & Murray, D.W. (2017). Caregiver Co-regulation Across Development: A Practice Brief. OPRE Brief #2017-80. Washington, DC: Office of Planning, Research, and Evaluation, Administration for Children and Families, US. Department of Health and Human Services.

SUMMARY

For children, youth, and young adults, development of self-regulation is dependent on predictable, responsive, and supportive

caregivers and environments. Through an interactive process called “co-regulation,” adult caregivers such as parents, teachers,

coaches, and other mentors play a critical role in shaping and supporting self-regulation development from birth through young

adulthood. Co-regulation involves three types of caregiver support: a warm relationship, environmental structure, and skills

instruction and coaching.

Because stronger self-regulation predicts higher income, better financial planning, lower rates of substance use and violence, and

decreased long-term health costs, investment in caregiver co-regulation can help us to build healthier communities for our families.

• Provide a warm, responsive relationship

• Provide support and empathy in times of

intense emotion

• Model, monitor, and coach more

sophisticated self-regulation skills across

different contexts

• Monitor and limit opportunities for risk-

taking behavior

• Provide opportunities to make decisions

and self-monitor behavior in less risky

situations

• Give time and space to calm down in

times of conflict

• Monitor and prompt use of

organizational and planning skills for

CO-REGULATION FOR ADOLESCENTS

Hope & Home | hopeandhome.org

4945 N 30th Street, Colorado Springs, CO 80919

719-575-9887 office | 719-237-5739 on-call

De-Escalation & Co-Regulation Training: Volume 7 Tags: 7.708.65.C.4. Behavior Management Techniques/Prohibited Restraint, 7.708.65.C.5. Discipline Techniques, 7.708.65.C.7. Positive and Constructive Methods/De-escalation

SUMMARY

For children, youth, and young adults, development of self-regulation is dependent

on predictable, responsive, and supportive caregivers and environments. Through

an interactive process called “co-regulation,” adult caregivers such as parents,

teachers, coaches, and other mentors play a critical role in shaping and supporting

self-regulation development from birth through young adulthood. Co-regulation

involves three types of caregiver support: a warm relationship, environmental

structure, and skills instruction and coaching.

Because stronger self-regulation predicts higher income, better financial planning,

lower rates of substance use and violence, and decreased long-term health costs,

investment in caregiver co-regulation can help us to build healthier communities

for our families.

DON’T FORGET

If you are in the middle of a

stressful situation with your child

and need additional support,

please contact your mentor,

home supervisor, and in urgent

situations, the on-call number.

The on-call number is answered

24/7 by a Home Supervisor who

is there to help and can advise in

emergency situations.

Hope & Home

On-Call Number:

719-237-5739