emmys 2013
TRANSCRIPT
The year of pretty pastels and way too much visible underwear.
Alfre Woodward
On anyone else it
might be too Glinda-
The-Good-Witch, but
Alfre carries it off. It’s
like a really sparkly
lolly-wrapper, and I’m
okay with that.
Al Pacino’s Girlfriend
The pose isn’t selling
it, but the dress is
objectively lovely.
Alison Williams
This looked nicer on
the red carpet – less
garish, a deeper blue,
and more matte.
Here it looks classic if
a bit high- school-
prom.
Alison Janney
I don’t love this
colour, but the style
is lovely and Alison
looks stunning.
Alyson Hannigan
Uh, no.
Amanda Peet
I don’t totally
understand what is
going on here.
My emotions include
bewilderment,
exasperation and
something akin to
concern.
Amy Poehler
Amy Poehler is fun.
This frock isn’t. It
makes her arms look
chubby and
truncated.
Andrea Anders
This is too literal a
take on mosaics. It
looks like if you
hugged her, it would
feel like hugging a
sack of pebbles.
Anna Chlumsky
I think Anna just had
a baby, so we’ll let
this slide. It’s fine, I
guess. Her lipstick is
the right colour. I
guess.
Anna Faris
The dress is fine, but
if this person took off
her wig and wiped off
her makeup and
revealed that she was
in fact a pizza boy
dressed as Anna Faris,
I would not be
surprised. Something
just doesn’t look right.
Anna Gunn
I keep thinking this is
Blake Lively which,
while I can’t stand
Blake Lively (for
irrational reasons), is
probably a
compliment to Anna
Gunn. She looks
statuesque and
pretty.
Ariel Winter
Yeah, it’s fine.
Whatever.
Aubrey Plaza
Now this fills me with
a kind of existential
despair. Americans
think Aubrey Plaza is
really special, but I’ve
seen her in things
(things other than
this unforgivable
dress) and I don’t get
it.
Betsy Brandt
I don’t know who this
is. I also don’t know
why humans do this to
their hair. As for the
dress, I had curtains in
this exact fabric in my
first flat, and I turned
them backwards so I
wouldn’t have to look
at them.
Carla Gugino
The cut and colour
are great, but I’m not
loving the detail.
Carrie Ann Inaba
I don’t know who this
person is or why she
is wearing what is
essentially a giant
arrow pointing to her
crotch.
Carrie Brownstein
This is really sweet
and offbeat, but I’d
rather it had two
straps, and was not
flanked by unkempt
hipsters.
Carrie Preston
I love it when
supporting actresses
end up stealing the
show.
This is really
beautiful. And it has
buttons.
Carrie Preston
See? Buttons!
Carrie Underwood
She looks like a
Southern debutante.
Which is kind of the
way I think of her
anyway. When I do
think of her.
Biannually.
Cat Deeley
This is just a puzzle
wrapped in an
enigma wrapped in a
garbage bag.
Christina Hendricks
Her hair looks pretty,
and the dress is
adequate, but I can’t
understand why she
isn’t knocking it out
of the park.
Christina Hendricks
See what I mean?
The frocks she
chooses just don’t do
much for her, and by
rights she should look
amazing.
Clare Danes
Meh, this is pretty
average. Her hair is
really cute, but a
dress that makes
your chest look like a
plate of pancakes is
not a great dress.
Cobie Smulders
I have no issue with
this, it’s very
luminous and pretty.
Connie Britton
I’ve never seen
Connie in anything,
so I have no affection
for her, and I don’t
love her brassy hair
and orangey makeup,
but the dress itself is
unique and quite
beautiful.
Constance Zimmer
I don’t know who
Constance Zimmer is,
but I think I like this.
It has an Art Deco
flavour.
Edie Falco
I tend to object to
dresses that
reference swimwear,
but the vibrant
cornflower blue is
really flattering.
Elisabeth Moss
It doesn’t excite me,
but it’s classic and
beautifully cut and
her hair gives it an
edge.
Emilia Clarke
I think she was going
for ethereal, but she
looks drowsy.
Emily Deschanel
Her hair and makeup
are pretty, but the
dress is dull, and too
loose in the middle.
Gia Coppola and Zac Posen
Zac Posen of Zac
Posen and Gia
Coppola of the
Coppola dynasty. She
looks chic, I love this.
Giuliana Rancic
This colour actually
looked stunning on
TV, but as ever I can’t
get past her achingly
thin frame. It’s
intervention time.
Heidi Klum
Speaking of
interventions: Heidi,
honey, stop trying so
hard.
Ireland Baldwin
Ireland Baldwin is
really trying to make
herself happen.
Jane Krakowski
Great colour. On
someone else it
might have looked
really beautiful, but I
find Jane’s colouring a
bit…trashy? Is that
really mean?
January Jones
I feel like she’s angry
at me. The
combination of dusty
pink and soft barely-
there makeup
probably looked really
pretty at home in the
mirror, but on the red
carpet it looks tired
and sad.
Jennifer Westfeldt
It’s just okay.
Jessica Lange
While I’m not a fan of
the pattern, she looks
lovely.
Jessica Paré
I love this. I love her. In
a sea of tangerine-
coloured blondes, her
dark hair and skin-
coloured skin with the
bold turquoise dress is
so striking. She looks
pretty and romantic
and timeless. Does it
have pockets? I love
pockets!
Jewel
This is very pretty up
close. She looks really
feminine and lovely.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Not very exciting, but
flattering and radiant.
There were a lot of
luminous pastels on
the red carpet this
year, which was
refreshing.
Julianna Margulies
From the front this
looks a bit sack-
shaped and I think
the style is too old for
her.
Julianna Margulies
It looks better from
the side, and also
with the dreamy
husband!
Mr Margulies & mini Margulies
And look, there’s a
little one too!
Julianne Hough
I want to throw something
at her. This is just not
acceptable. I’m not sure
whether I’m more
perturbed by the boob-
squishing, the droopy bit
in the middle or the
blatant display of
underpantage! What’s
worse is the fabric is
lovely, and someone could
have done something
pretty with it.
Julie Bowen
This just isn’t right. It
looks lovely through
the middle, despite
the creasing, but the
shoulders aren’t right
and the flouncy thing
isn’t right.
Kaley Cuoco
Did you notice Kaley
Cuoco publicly dated
Henry Cavill for about
three days and then when
everyone worked out that
it was a publicity stunt
they quietly broke up?
This russet red is lovely,
but it emphasises her
weird proportions, and
people need to stop
flashing their bras please.
Kate Mara
I think she should
leave the
monochromes and
sulky poses to her
sister, and also
seriously can people
please stop wearing
stuff that looks like
visible bras.
Katrina Bowden
I actually think the
belt detail cheapens
it. It would be classier
without the belt and
with an intricate
necklace instead.
Kelly Osbourne
You know, the dress is
objectively quite
lovely, but if
someone could
explain the purple
hair to me, that
would be great.
Kerry Washington
It’s beautiful, and she
looks amazing in it.
The gold detail on the
bust is a bit
distracting, but I think
there are gold bits
throughout the dress
so it’s probably
something that looks
better up close.
Kiernan Shipka
Her parents must be
doing something
right, because she
always looks, and
dresses like, a happy
kid. Which is exactly
what you want.
Kristen Connolly
I don’t know who this
is, but I don’t hate
the dress. It’s
interesting and
offbeat. Am I wrong?
Laura Dern
This is a beautiful
dress. I kind of wish it
was on someone else.
Sorry, Laura.
Lena Dunham
She looks ridiculous.
Laugh-out-loud, drop-
kick straight into the
worst-dressed bin
without a second look
ridiculous.
However, I kind of love
the dress, just not on her.
Don’t tell anyone.
I magically
photoshopped it on to
Kat Dennings just to
make a point.
Doesn’t she look
pretty?
And here are some
pictures by Barbier to
justify my affection
for the sprawling
floral print and the
bold colours.
Lena Headey
Wow, okay. I accept
that visible underwear
is a thing at the
moment, but I don’t
think the high-waisted
Spanx, nude bra and
control-top pantyhose
are supposed to be on
display, ever. Even the
white shoes are all
wrong.
Leslie Mann
Leslie Mann usually
brings it. This is
interesting, but not as
much fun as I
expected?
Lily Rabe
Sewing machines are
so unpredictable.
Linda Cardellini
I don’t usually go for
this kind of draping,
but she looks pretty
amazing. Her hair is
pretty too, and works
beautifully with the
shape of the dress.
Matt Damon’s Wife
Meh, it’s fine. She
looks lovely, it’s
just…a gold dress.
Malin Akerman
I can’t stand her and I
don’t know why.
Every time I see a
picture of her, I think:
“Ugh. You again.”
It’s totally
unreasonable.
Maria Menounos
Maria always looks
like the
Entertainment
Tonight hostess that
she is. Just bland L.A.
red carpet fare. The
dress is fine, but it
makes her look hippy,
and I just can’t get
excited about it.
Mayim Bialik
The detailing looks
tacky. I think there’s
enough going on
without the
sequinned belt,
sleeves and
shoulders. But the
colour is lovely, and
she’s really come
such a long way.
Merrit Wever
An average dress and
a terrible photo, but
her acceptance
speech was the best.
Google it.
Michelle Dockery
She looks perfect and
she knows it.
Mindy Kaling
This would be
gorgeous without the
bizarre neckline. It
makes me think of a
bejewelled steering
wheel. The colour is
amazing and her hair
is really pretty.
Morena Baccarin
This dress makes her
look pregnant!
Just kidding. She
looks beautiful.
Grecian draping is
ideal for extremely
pregnant people, and
the colour is divine.
Morgan Saylor
I think she’s in
Breaking Bad, which I
haven’t seen. I don’t
like this but she’s
young and it’s
inoffensive and she’s
not twerking and she
looks very pretty, so
we’ll overlook the fact
that she looks like a
question mark.
Nancy O’Dell
Copy and paste
whatever I said about
Maria Menounos.
Nathan Fillion
She’s so little! Aww.
Padma Lakshmi
You can’t really tell,
but this dress
employs a lot of
illusion netting, which
I don’t love. It also
just kind of looks like
she needs to pull her
top down.
Robin Wright
Objectively this is a
great dress, but
maybe it looks a bit
severe on Robin? Is it
the hair?
Rose Byrne
Rose looks lovely and
rose-like, and the
radiant pink shade
with her softer hair is
so pretty, but it’s
hard to overlook the
fact that she looks
thin and a little bit
gaunt.
Sandrine Holt
I couldn’t get a great
picture of this (they
were all sort of glare-y
and overexposed, so I
darkened it), but even
though it looks like
streamers, she’s
elegant and interesting
enough to make it
work. Whoever she is.
Sarah Hyland
I love this shade of
green, and it’s a
beautiful dress. Her
hair and makeup are
overdone, though.
Sarah Paulson
I can see where she
was going with this,
and the colour makes
me think of guavas,
but just doesn’t quite
work. I don’t know
why.
Sarah Silverman
I loathe these heels
with the heat of a
thousand sons, and
the dress just looks
trashy.
Sofia Vergara
Yeah, this seems
about right. Next!
Mr and Mrs Colbert
I just put this in
because it’s so
goshdarn cute.
Tina Fey
Yes!
Michael J Fox & Tracy Pollan
I love these two,
because he has a
brain disease and
because they’ve been
married for, like, ever.
The satin panel on
this dress is
completely
unnecessary,
however.
The Widow Farmiga?
Every time I see Vera
Farmiga, I think "wow,
she looks good for
55."
She’s only 40.
Zooey Deschanel
I can’t make my mind
up about this. From
the side it looked stiff
and puckered, but
from the front it fits
beautifully and the
colour is pretty. It’s
just kind of staid and
a bit old for Zooey.
Zosia Mamet
What a note to end
on. Why are her
boobs wearing a
disguise?!?