effective writing practices

Effective Writing Practices

Practical skills to own, whenever you write.

Kevin [email protected]

Session Objectives

1) Explore what is meant by “Going GREEN”

2) Explore how Going GREEN impacts other aspects of writing

Weighting of Domain Scores Weighting means that the scores in some writing domains will be given more weight than others in determining the total score that

a student receives.

Scoring Domain

Domain Weight % of total score

Ideas 2 x raters’ scores 40%

Organization 1 x raters’ scores 20%

Style 1 x raters’ scores 20%

Conventions 1 x raters’ scores 20%

Zeroing in: IDEAS

•

The Key Elements of the IDEAS domain

Controlling Idea (Focus)

Relevant Supporting Ideas

General Details

Specific DetailsAnd Elaboration

General Topic

Context for theTopic

Writer’s task

Writing Situation This unit, we have been studying rocks and minerals native to Georgia. Examples include Quartz and Kaolin.

Directions for WritingPick one rock or mineral we have been

studying. In one paragraph, describe its physical characteristics.

Grade 3

Quartz

Physical characteristics:

1) Color2) Hardness

Ideas: Emerging

• Hi my name is JR. I will like to tell you about quartz. They look they feel soft and some are kind of rough.

Ideas: Focusing

• Quartz has many interesting physical features. It is one of the hardest minerals. It comes in many colors, like purple, grey and white.

Ideas: Extending

• The physical characteristics of quartz are awesome. You can find quartz in grey, white, purple, brown and pink. Purple quartz is called amethyst. It is one of the hardest minerals. It is so hard it can scratch other minerals. It’s a number 7 on the Moh’s hardness scale so it can scratch one through six.

General Topic


Writer’s task

Writing Situation This unit, we have been studying rocks and minerals native to Georgia. Examples include Quartz and Kaolin.

Directions for WritingPick one rock or mineral we have been

studying. Write a report describing its:

a) physical characteristicsb) usesc) location

Grade 3

Quartz

Uses

Physical characteristics

Conclusion

These elements illustrated (Grade 3))

• Sample Body Paragraph

• The color, shape, size and location of quartz can be different. You can find quartz in grey, white, purple, brown and pink. Purple quartz is called amethyst. Quartz is found worldwide. You can find quartz at the beach. Yep, that’s right, quartz is in sand.

Supporting Idea

General Detail

Specific Details and Elaboration

Controlling Idea: Quartz is a really interesting mineral found in GA.

Ideas Score: Does Not Meet

• Hi my name is JR. I will like to tell you about quartz. They look they feel soft and some are kind of rough. The loctain in Goirge an other place. They uses for window glass wactchs.

Ideas Score: Meets• I think quartz is a very interesting mineral

for several reasons

• Quartz has many interesting physical features. It is one of the hardest minerals. It comes in many colors.

• Did you know that quartz can be found in rocks all over the world? It’s the most common minerals and is found all over the world.

• Quartz has many uses. One thing I did not know is that quartz it is used to make windows, paint, glass, lens, for eyeglasses and even clocks.

• So, I think you should go study quartz.

Ideas Score: Exceeds

• Imagine you are climbing Georgia’s mountains. You find a big rock. Then you hit it with a hammer. Ta da! Something shiny and sparkly is in it. That is a quartz. It is one of the hardest minerals. It is so hard it can scratch other minerals. It’s a number 7 on the Moh’s hardness scale so it can scratch one through six.

• The color, shape, size and location of quartz can be different. You can find quartz in grey, white, purple, brown and pink. Purple quartz is called amethyst. Quartz is found worldwide. You can find quartz at the beach. Yep, that’s right, quartz is in sand.

• Quartz changes by weathering. It doesn’t break down easy though. Unlike many minerals it doesn’t expand when it is heated or crack when it is cooled. Quartz is also used in many ways. One thing I did not know is that quartz it is used to make windows, glass, lenses for eyeglasses and even clocks.

• Now that I know so much about quartz I feel like a geologist.

IDEAS feedback/exercise

# 1: GEN/SPEC

Quartz has many interesting physical features. It is one of the hardest minerals. It comes in many colors.

Specific Details

• It’s a number 7 on the Moh’s hardness scale.

• You can find quartz in grey, white, purple, brown and pink.

General Details• It is one of the hardest minerals.

• It comes in many colors.

General Topic


Writer’s task

Writing Situation All of us have things that make our life difficult at times.

Directions for WritingWrite a personal narrative explaining why you feel it’s hard being you (at your age: 9 or 10)

Grade 4 Narrative

Why it is hard being nine

Homework is hard.

>>details

I have lots of chores.

>>details

Conclusion

These elements, illustrated:

Sample Body Paragraph

First of all, is responsibilities. I have one pet that is a cat. I need to sometimes scoop up the nasty poop and pee. The good thing is I get to play with my cat. Then, I have to sometimes clean my dirty room when I don’t want to. Also, I have to be a big sister. I have to teach her and help her.

Supporting Idea

Major Details

Specific details and elaboration

Controlling Idea: It is really hard being nine.

Ideas: Score Point 1

Do you think It is hard to Be 10. Well I do Because I hate taking out the trash and It stinks. If the sink is full I don’t like doing that Because the water is cold. I absolutely hate doing homework Because It is super hard. I say It is hard Being 10.

Ideas: Score Point 3Hi, I am 9 years old. Have you ever had anything difficult in your life? While your thinking here’s some difficult things in my life.

First of all, is responsibilities. I have one pet that is a cat. I need to sometimes scoop up the nasty poop and pee. The good thing is I get to play with my cat. Then, I have to sometimes clean my dirty room when I don’t want to. Also, I have to be a big sister. I have to teach her and help her.

Next is school. In school I have to learn a lot of things and some things I’m not good at. Then, I have to do homework and make sure I turn it in on time.

Then, I have sports. In sports I have to practice a lot and sometimes it takes away some of my playtime. Also, I have a lot of games and sometimes it gets boring, but I love it.

Last but not least is my family. My sister and cousins can sometimes be bossy. Oh, and we fight a lot but not much. Also, we sometimes be mean to each other too.

Now you know what is difficult in my life. Have you thought of yours yet.

Ideas: Score Point 4+Do you think it’s hard being your age? It’s even harder being 9. Here is why.

I’m usually too short to ride the roller coasters I want to ride. A lot of my friends are taller than me so they can ride them and when they come down they talk about how much fun they had.

In addition I have to take care of my dog. I have to take the dog on walks, feed her, give her a bath, and play with her. It’s hard doing that by yourself.

Also it’s hard having younger siblings. They can drive you crazy! They always expect me to take care of them. I don’t understand why.

Here is another reason: There is so much homework! Between coming home and going to bed, I don’t have time to do it all.

It’s hard to play softball for fast-pitch. The ball comes way faster than when you’re playing coach pitch. The girls also throw faster and are really good at pitching.

Next you have to wait to grow up. I would love to be driving right now. That would be awesome, but I can’t reach the pedals so I’ll have to wait.

Also my parents embarrass me sometimes. Like when they ask “Do you need to go to the bathroom?” when they just asked that 5 minutes ago. That drives me insane.

Even though it’s hard being nine I’m glad I have all that I have. I have a great family, a great home, and more. Being 9 has its hard times but in the end I’m glad I’m still 9.


# 1: GEN/SPEC

Next is school. In school I have to learn a lot of things and some things I’m not good at. Then, I have to do homework and make sure I turn it in on time.

Specific Details• Lately, I’ve had to learn how to multiply fractions, which is really hard. • I usually have two hours of homework each night. I have to have it done by the next day.

General Details• In school I have to learn a lot of things and some things I’m not good at.

• Then, I have to do homework and make sure I turn it in on time.


# 2: ELABORATE

Lately, I’ve had to learn how to multiply fractions, which is really hard.

Great example. Add 1 more sentence explaining how you feel when you are asked to multiply fractions.

It makes me feel so confused all I want to do is put my head on my desk.

General Topicand context

Writer’s task

Writing Situation Your principal is asking your class for ideas to

improve the school. What change would you make to improve your school?

Directions for WritingWrite a letter to convince your principal to make

your change.

2011 Grade 5 Persuasive

We need to make some lunch changes

Cleaner lunchroom

>>details

More drink options

>>details

Conclusion

These elements, illustrated:

Sample Body Paragraph

Something needs to be done about our drink options at lunch. Right now, we have very few options. There is milk, chocolate milk, and orange juice. I think we should add drinks like Gatorade, Smart Water, and Fuze. These are healthy drinks that are a lot more exciting than the ones we have now. And who doesn’t want more excitement during the school day?

Supporting Idea

Major Details

Specific details and elaboration

Controlling Idea:If you make these changes, our school will be so much better. (response to 2011 Persuasive topic)

Ideas: Score Point 1

One day our teacher made us watch a elmo video when suddenly the door opened. It was Mrs. H. aka the principal. Mrs. A. paused the video and turned around without moving her feet. Then Mrs. H. came in front of us and told us that are going to improve the school. She told us if anyone has an idea write a letter an give it to your teacher. Then our teacher turned the video back on. Meanwhile I was talking to Jake, “Jake now’s my chance.” After schoo, I wrote a letter.

Dear Mrs. H.,

I have a few ideas, so here’s a list. 1-3.

1. We would like to have a buffet line or a food court.

2. We would like to have longer recesses.

3. We would like to have shorter school hours too.

Sincerely,

G.H.

Ideas: Score Point 2We would love a clean school! Are school needs to be the cleanest school on earth! I would enjoy a clean school, with nice students. If we have a nice school it would be the best school in the world. A nice, clean, and beautiful school is the best school of all.

We need a clean lavatory. It really stinks in there now. It is also really dirty. It would be great to get it all cleaned up.

Recess and other fun things would be great. It would be fun to move around. I think we should have a nice long recess. It would be fun to sit in the grass.

Ideas: Score Point 3This paper you are about to read shows the improvements I think are fair. I hope you agree with these suggestions. I also do believe they are reasonable for the school.

First off I think morning work should be put to an end. It would give us more time to get ready for the day. I think it would prepare us to be organized.

The second thing is the washing of tables. It would be more healthy if the school used hot water with five drops of soap. The table washers would wear gloves, so the things they touch won’t get on the table. So, in conclusion the table would be bacteria free, and students would not get sick a lot!

Third, I think it would be more fun if we all get into all the holiday spirits with arts and crafts. Then it would give even more ideal time for young artists. It would also give older students a chance to have more fun with art.

I hope these are good enough to improve the school. I hope you also agree with my choices. Goodbye to you.

Ideas: Score Point 4I am writing this letter to tell you my opinion on how to improve the school. I hope it will come in use. My opinion is for the school to have cameras installed. This way you can see who has done something against school rules. I think that this way would be easier than trying to have someone confess and keep taking priveleges away from innocent children.

The place I think is the worst is the bathrooms. In our fifth grade bathrooms, boy’s mostly, people do not behave too well. Sometimes they do something so bad that the whole fifth grade can’t use the bathroom! This is why the bathrooms should be installed with cameras.

The next place is the lunchroom. I am a quiet person who does not talk much so I usually just listen and spetate. Kids at the lunch table do bad things. They do stuff behind lunch ladies’ backs and make fun of the picture on the wall. Sometimes they play with their food. All the time I can hear them shout loudly, even when the lights are off! That is why I say, if not the bathrooms, put cameras in the lunchroom to catch those kids.

The last place I think kids act bad is the classrooms. They sure do shout and argue with each other! Another way is when they put their hands on someone. I get board of having to listen to lectures of behaving good when I already do!

This is why my opinion of helping the school is to put cameras in the school.

Ideas: Score Point 5I am having problems with the stoplight in the cafeteria. I think it is not such a good idea to have it. Of the few times in the school day we have to talk to our friends, lunch is one of them. Actually, lunch is the best time to talk freely. But the stoplight won’t let us. Yes, I know sometimes we make too much noise, but the problem is, it’s on red too much. We don’t make that much noise do we? Honestly, I have only seen the stoplight on green three times this year.

The stoplight is also the reason a lot students talk in class. They probably feel that since they barely talk in the lunchroom, that they should replace that time with learning time. I’m not the only one who feels this way. The whole fifth grade thinks this also. Some of the fourth graders are even making petitions.

I know that you’re a busy person so I came up with my own ideas to help the situation. First of all, what about getting rid of the stoplight? Go back to the way you used to handle noise. Whenever it got too noisy, the cafeteria monitors would turn the lights off. Some people can’t see what color the stoplight is on so they keep talking. But everyone can see if the lights on the ceiling are off.

Another solution I thought of is just reprogramming the stoplight to go on green more often. If you don’t have any technicians, or if it’s too expensive to hire one, I can do it. I’m a tech expert. All I need are the tools and permission from you. I’m clean out of ideas for now. Thank you for taking your time to read this letter.


# 1: GEN/SPEC

First off I think morning work should be put to an end. It would give us more time to get ready for the day. I think it would prepare us to be organized.

Specific Details• It would give us more time to study for tests and to finish any homework we forgot about. • We could take the time to organize our desks so we will be ready for the day.

General Details• I would give us more time to get ready for the day.

• I think it would prepare us to be organized.


# 2: ELABORATE

First off I think morning work should be put to an end. I think it would prepare us to be organized. We could take the time to organize our desks so we will be ready for the day.

Great work so far. Now, add one more sentence explaining how being ready for the day will help you.

When we are ready for the day, we won’t waste time looking for books or papers. We can get more learning done.

Zeroing in: Organization

Better sequencing through Going GREEN

Drafting

Proofread/

Publish

Planning/

Prewriting

Revising &

Editing

Final

Draft

Success through…

…the Writing Process

The Big Picture: How do I get there?

• What is my position (in persuasive writing)?

• What am I explaining (in informational writing)?

• What are my supporting ideas (main points)?

General Topicand context

Writer’s task

Writing Situation Your principal is asking your class for ideas to

improve the school. What change would you make to improve your school?

Directions for WritingWrite a letter to convince your principal to make

your change.

2011 Grade 5 Persuasive

Clean the bathroomsHave ice cream everyday

Get rid of the stoplight in the cafeteria

Kids need to talk at times.

Add details in your draft.

• Kids need to talk at times• It is expensive to operate.• It is ugly.• Go back to the old system.

Go back to the old system.

Add details in your draft.

Planning / Prewriting

Connecting parts of the BIG Picture

• Grouping: occurs when the writer uses relevant details

to elaborate particular supporting ideas.

The next place is the lunchroom. I am a quiet person who does not talk much so I usually just listen and spetate. Kids at the lunch table do bad things. They do stuff behind lunch ladies’ backs and make fun of the picture on the wall. Sometimes they play with their food. All the time I can hear them shout loudly, even when the lights are off! That is why I say, if not the bathrooms, put cameras in the lunchroom to catch those kids.

Sequencing: Order Matters

Quartz has many interesting physical features. It is one of the hardest minerals.

Good! What is its hardness on Mohs Scale of Hardness?

It’s a number 7 on Mohs hardness scale.

It comes in many colors.

Yes, that’s true. Now, add one more sentence about the specific colors it comes in.

You can find quartz in grey, white, purple, brown and pink.


Putting it all together…

Quartz has many interesting physical features. It is one of the hardest minerals. It’s a number 7 on Mohs hardness scale. It comes in many colors. You can find quartz in grey, white, purple, brown and pink.


Next is school. In school I have to learn a lot of things and some things I’m not good at.

Good. Give an example of one thing you learn in school.

Lately, I’ve had to learn how to multiply fractions, which is really hard.

Great work so far. Now, add one more sentence explaining how you feel when you are asked to multiply fractions.

It makes me feel so confused all I want to do is put my head on my desk.



Next is school. In school I have to learn a lot of things and some things I’m not good at. Lately, I’ve had to learn how to multiply fractions, which is really hard. It makes me feel so confused all I want to do is put my head on my desk.


First off I think morning work should be put to an end. I think it would prepare us to be organized.

What would you organize?

We could take the time to organize our desks so we will be ready for the day.

Great work so far. Now, add one more sentence explaining how being ready for the day will help you.

When we are ready for the day, we won’t waste time looking for books or papers. We can get more learning done.



First off I think morning work should be put to an end. I think it would prepare us to be organized. We could take the time to organize our desks so we will be ready for the day. When we are ready for the day, we won’t waste time looking for books or papers. We can get more learning done.

More Effective Transitions

• However

• For example

• Therefore

Connecting parts of the BIG Picture

However

When you want to show contrast between ideas

Many people think kids won’t drink milk. If you get chocolate milk, however, they will take it down in big huge gulps!

For example

When you want to set up a SPECIFIC example

I think it would prepare us to be organized. For example, we could take the time to organize our desks so we will be ready for the day.

Therefore

When you want to show how one thing leads to another.

We could take the time to organize our desks so we will be ready for the day. Therefore, we won’t waste time looking for books or papers. We can get more learning done.

General Topic


Writer’s task

Writing Situation You have been chosen by a company to make a

new product. Your product could be a food, a toy, a game, or any other item you want.

Directions for WritingWrite a report for the company that describesyour idea for a new product and explains how itcan be used.

2010 Grade 5 Informational

Organization Score Point 1

Hye, my name is David Jones. I have just come on to one of the greatest game ever made. This game is called “The Iner Street Racer.” On this game you race at midnight so 5.0 won’t catch you. To make this game even funner it has different races on it. On this game you can customize your car.

The response is too brief to receive more than a 1 in Organization.

Organization: Score Point 2

The products that I am writing to the company are a drink maker so that you’ll have a drink on a sunny day without in and out of the house.

The other product I thought of is a silent scooter for people who can’t walk. It has a senser for when your about to bump into something.

I also thought of a robot that can help you when your hurt. For an example, you had surgery on your leg of whatever, this product can give you food and something to drink.

My next product is a safe with a D.N.A. scanner so nobody will get your money.

Minimal evidence of control (e.g., there is some grouping.)

Introdiscusses only

1 product

MinimalGrouping

NoConclusion

Organization: Score Point 3If I worked for a company my new product would be a game. It would be called a Playstation 4 2010 special edition.

It is a computer, DVD player, 5 disc changer, 5 controllers. It is portable and has wireless controllers and cords. You can put on a helmet and use a steering wheel to play the game. That is wireless too. It comes with 5 of those too.

Games come with it too. It comes with three games. There are also lots of different games you can buy. There are sports games. There are action games. There are also adventure games. You can play these for hours and have fun.

It has surround sound and bass to it. It is so loud that it might bust your eardrums.

It has cool graphics. When you play the game it looks so real.

It has a special controller that you can use all the time. It is called the mean machine 6,000. It is the best controller that you can use. It has vibration on it too. It is computerized. When it gets to the hard part you can kick some video game butt with the ultra mean machine 6,000. It is the best controller that anybody could use.

That would be the best product I would make for the whole world to see.

There is clear grouping and generally clear sequencing, but transitions are not varied. The intro and conclusion are brief.

Briefintro

Grouping

Sequencing()

Transitions

Briefconclusion

Organization: Score Point 4If your like me, I never get good sleep with a bed filled with springs. I wake up two times at night if I’m lucky. Well that’s going to change with my bed called the dreamer bed.

Here’s how it works. It is filled with tiney beads so it will form your every position. Also if you don’t want it just filled with beads, you can blow air in there, too. To fill it with air you get a pump that plugs into a small hole on the side that lets air in and out, but does not let the beads out. If you put air into the bed and you decide you don’t want the air in it, then pull the plug and the air will come out.

If your wondering what it is covered with and how it is held together, it is a soft material called cotton. We thread the cotton into thick string that is very strong. Don’t worry it won’t come apart.

You can take it anywhere you want. If your going on a trip like going camping and you don’t want to sleep on the hard ground, then bring the dreamer bed with you! The dreamer bed is made so the string can bend easily.

You can get the dreamer bed in any colors you want. You can even put two, three, or four different colors. Many people think nothing is perfict, but the dreamer bed is perfict! You can never get sick of the dreamer bed.

This one has more consistent sequencing and more effective transitions than the previous example.

Intro setsstage

Grouping

Sequencing()

Transitions

Conclusion:Reminder of the

product’s benefits

Organization: Score Point 5Imagination Inc, I introduce to you the toy that’s sweeping kidsoff their feet and making them play to the Robotic Simon’s beat. Say hello to fun in the future, it’s Robotic Simon.

This toy is so awesome it comes in three modes. I bet your wondering what a robot named Simon can do. Well, it can do everything you do in the first mode. I call this mode “Simon Says.” (get it?) In this mode Simon does everything you do. Wherever you go he goes. You lift your arm, he lifts his. You lift your leg, he lifts his. Even if you jump, he has springs in his shoes so he can jump. Lets say you get tired of Simon being your shadow. Then break out the controller to control Simon. With this controller you can make Simon do a weird dance. Maybe you can make him spin or jump. Now Simon wants to be the boss. So I call his third mode the “Bossy mode.” In this mode Simon goes wherever he wants. If he wants to walk he walks. Maybe he wants to dance then he’ll dance. Just for the fun of it he jumps then he will jump.

Now that I told you about Simon it’s time to introduce Simorina. Simorina is exactly like Simon just acts like him in a more female way.

Okay now that you have played with Simon/Simorina with all you energy and you want to put him/her away. The only problem is you can’t find the off switch. All you do is clap your hands and he/she turns off. Make sure she/he is not on “Simon Says” mode or he’ll/she’ll just clap.

Let’s say a child under three tries to eat Simon/Simorina. This toy sees the danger with its eyes and plays a lullaby. The baby puts Simon/Simorina down and goes to sleep.

This toy is completely safe. This a toy that kids in the future will play with all day. Out motto is “Make every kids imagination run free” and that’s exactly what Simon/Simorina is going to do.

The difference here: a variety of effective transitions link all parts of the response.

CatchyIntro sets

stage

Grouping

Sequencing()

Transitions

Compelling statement

inconclusion

More Effective Intros

• Thought-provoking Questions

• Setting the stage for the

body of the paper

• Directly Addressing the Reader

Thought-provoking Questions

Have you ever wanted to breath underwater? Here’s your chance. It’s called the U.B.I. It stands for Underwater Breathing Item. It will definitely be one of the most useful items ever invented.

Setting the stage forthe body of the paper

My product is called the Grab and Get 3000. The Grab and Get 3000 is a wire that you attach to your television and remote. What happens is that you put your hand right through the television and grab anything you want. When you put your hand in everything freezes so nothing will disturb you.

Directly Addressing theReader

Dear Mrs. Smith,

I’m glad you have decided to make some changes, and I think that adding an after-school football league is the way to go. I think you will see happier students and teachers. If we’re happy, I bet you’ll be happy too.

More Effective Conclusions

•Summary of Key Points Without

Repetition

•Reminder of Personal Connections

the Reader Has to the Topic

•Compelling Statement

Summary of Key PointsWithout Repetition

Can’t you see now that we need more soap in the bathrooms? We want to prevent germs and people from getting sick. This way, everyone can come to school and do their best.

Reminder of Personal Connections the Reader Has to the Topic

People will love new Mega Nails. Remember, tons and tons of hard, cold cash will come from this product. And what company couldn’t use more of that these days?

Compelling Statement

Cats around the world will purr for Oat Bran Delights. If there are any problems with the food, just call our 800 number and you will get real people with real answers. Remember, Oat Bran Delights will make you and your cat happier.

Zeroing in: Style

• Effective word choice through Going GREEN

• Varying sentence structure

More Effective Word Choice

•Descriptive

•Figurative

•Technical

Descriptive Word Choice

Gives the reader a much clearer sense of your ideas

Simple

In school I have to learn a lot of things.

Descriptive

In school I have to learn to multiply fractions.

Figurative Word Choice

Allows you to emphasize a point in a humorous way.

Simple

It really stinks in there now.

Figurative

The bathroom stench will knock you off your feet. Those little pink pucks can’t cover it up.

Technical Word Choice

Works well in informational writing.

Some

It is one of the hardest minerals.

More

It is a 7 on Mohs scale of hardness.

Sentence Variety and Style

• Avoid too many simple sentences.

• Avoid similar sentence beginnings.

Avoid too many simple sentences

Too many: I really hate regular milk. I do like chocolate milk. I like the taste. I know it is good for me too.

Better: I really hate regular milk, but I do like chocolate milk. I like the taste, and I know it is good for me too.

Avoid similar sentence beginnings

Repetitious: I really hate regular milk. I do like chocolate milk. I like the taste. I know it is good for me too.

Better: I really hate regular milk, but I do like chocolate milk. I like the taste, and I know it is good for me too.

General Topic


Writer’s task





Style: Score Point 1Hye, my name is David Jones. I have just come on to one of the greatest game ever made. This game is called “The Iner Street Racer.” On this game you race at midnight so 5.0 won’t catch you. To make this game even funner it has different races on it. On this game you can customize your car.

The response is too brief to receive more than a 1 in Style.

Style: Score Point 2

The products that I am writing to the company are a drink maker so that you’ll have a drink when you want a drink.

The other product I thought of is a scooter for people who can’t walk. It has a senser for when your about to bump into something.

I also thought of a robot that can help you when you don’t feel good. For an example, you fell or whatever, this product can give you food and something to drink.

My next product is a safe, nobody will get your money. Its not good when you lose your money. So you can put your money in it.

• Word choice is mostly simple and ordinary.

Simple,repetitive

wordchoice

Style: Score Point 3If I worked for a company my new product would be a game. It would be called a Playstation 4 2010 special edition.

It is a computer, DVD player, and 5 disc changer, with 5 controllers. It is portable and has wireless controllers and cords. You can put on a helmet and use a steering wheel to play the game. That is wireless too. It comes with 5 of those too.

Games come with it too. It comes with three games. There are also lots of different games you can buy. There are sports games. There are action games. There are also adventure games. You can play these and have hours of fun.

It has surround sound and bass to it. It is so loud that it might bust your eardrums.

It has life-like graphics. When you play the game it looks so real.

It has a special controller that you can use all the time. It is called the mean machine 6,000. It is the best controller that you can use. It has vibration on it too. It is computerized. When it gets to the hard part you can kick some video game butt with the ultra mean machine 6,000. It is the best controller that anybody could use.

That would be the best product I would make for the whole world to see.

• There are some lapses into simple, repetitive word choice, but more often than not, word choice is engaging.

Simple,repetitive

wordchoice

Moreengaging

wordchoice

Style: Score Point 4If your like me, I never get good sleep with a bed filled with springs. I wake up two times at night if I’m lucky. Well that’s going to change with my bed called the dreamer bed.

Here’s how it works. It is filled with tiney beads so it will form to your every position. Also if you don’t want it just filled with beads, you can blow air in there, too. To fill it with air you get a pump that plugs into a small hole on the side that lets air in and out, but does not let the beads out. If you put air into the bed and you decide you don’t want the air in it, then pull the plug and the air will come out.



You can get the dreamer bed in any colors you want. You can even put two, three, or four different colors. Many people think nothing is perfict, but the dreamer bed is perfict! You can never get sick of the dreamer bed.

• Word choice is consistently engaging.

Engagingword

choice

Less effectivecontrol

oflanguage

Style: Score Point 5Imagination Inc, I introduce to you the toy that’s sweeping kids off their feet and making them play to the Robotic Simon’s beat. Say hello to fun in the future, it’s Robotic Simon.

This toy is so awesome it comes in three modes. I bet your wondering what a robot named Simon can do. Well, it can do everything you do in the first mode. I call this mode “Simon Says.” (get it?) In this mode Simon does everything you do. Wherever you go he goes. You lift your arm, he lifts his. You lift your leg, he lifts his. Even if you jump, he has springs in his shoes so he can jump. Lets say you get tired of Simon being your shadow. Then break out the controller to control Simon. With this controller you can make Simon do a weird dance. Maybe you can make him spin or jump. Now Simon wants to be the boss. So I call his third mode the “Bossy mode.” In this mode Simon goes wherever he wants. If he wants to walk he walks. Maybe he wants to dance then he’ll dance. Just for the fun of it he jumps.

Now that I told you about Simon it’s time to introduce Simorina. Simorina is exactly like Simon just acts like him in a more feminine way.

Okay now that you have played with Simon/Simorina with all your energy you want to put him/her away. The only problem is you can’t find the off switch. All you do is clap your hands and he/she turns off. Make sure she/he is not on “Simon Says” mode or he’ll/she’ll just clap.



• The writer uses a variety of carefully crafted phrases to engage the audience. Audience awareness is strong (e.g., “Now that I told you”).

Engagingword

choice

Less effectivecontrol

oflanguage

Zeroing in: Conventions

Identify/Eliminate Major Editing Errors:

• Comma splice• Fused sentence

• Fragment• Agreement errors

Conventions Breakdown

Major Editing Errors

• Comma splice• Fused sentence

• Fragment• Agreement errors

Conventions

Sentence Correctness

Sentence Clarity

Sentence Complexity

End Punctuation

Subject-Verb Agreement

Word Forms

Verb Tenses

Internal Punctuation

Spelling

Paragraph Breaks

Capitalization

Comma Splice

Happens when you try to join two sentences with a comma.

Fault: It has surround sound and bass to it, it is so loud that it might bust your eardrums.

Fix 1: It has surround sound and bass to it. It is so loud that it might burst your eardrums.

Fix 2: It has surround sound a bass to it; it is so loud that it might burst your eardrums.

Fused Sentence

Happens when you try to join two sentences without any punctuation.

Fault: It is the best controller that you can use it has vibration on it too.

Fix 1: It is the best controller that you can use. It has vibration on it too.

Fix 2: It is the best controller that you can use; it has vibration on it too.

Fix 3: It is the best controller that you can use, and it has vibration on it too.

Fragment

Happens when a sentence is missing a subject or predicate.

Fault: The Playstation 4 comes with many games. Lots of excitement.

Fix: The Playstation 4 comes with many games, so kids will enjoy lots of excitement.

Exception—functional fragment: The Playstation 4 has many appropriate games that parents can feel good about. Games with no violence. No blood and gore. There are actually many games that are educational.

Agreement/Word Form Errors Agreement Errors

Fault 1—Subject/Verb Disagreement: Kids already has a Playstation 3.

Fix: Kids already have a Playstation 3.

Fault 2—Pronoun/Antecedent Disagreement (often related to number): If a student wants to play games at school, now they can with my new PSP.

Fix: If a student wants to play games at school, now he or she can with my new PSP.

Fault 3—Incorrect Word Forms: The Playstation 4 comes with 2 game.

Fix: The Playstation 4 comes with 2 games.

General Topic


Writer’s task





Conventions: Score Point 1Hye, my name is David Jones. I have just come on to one of the greatest game ever made. This game is called “The Iner Street Racer.” On this game you race at midnight so 5.0 won’t catch you. To make this game even funner it has different races on it. On this game you can customize your car.

The response is too brief to receive more than a 1 in Conventions.

MajorEditingErrors

Conventions: Score Point 2

The products that I am writing to the company is a drink maker so that you’ll have a drink when you want a drink.

The other product I thought of is a scooter for people who can’t walk. It has a senser for when your about to bump into something.

I also thought of a robot that can help you when you don’t feel good. For an example, you fell or whatever, this product can give you food and something to drink.

My next product is a safe, nobody will get your money. Its not good when you lose your money. You can put your money in it.

• There is a mix of control here—about as many correct examples as incorrect.

MajorEditingErrors

Conventions: Score Point 3If I worked for a company my new product would be a game. It would be called a Playstation 4 2010 special edition.

It is a computer, DVD player, and 5 disc changer, with 5 controllers. It is portable and has wireless controllers and cords. You can put on a helmet and use a steering wheel to play the game. That is wireless to. It comes with 5 of those too.

Games come with it too. It comes with three games. There are also lots of different game you can buy. There are sports games. There are action games. There are also adventure games. You can play these and have hours of fun.

It has surround sound and bass to it, it is so loud that it might bust your eardrums.

It has life-like graphics. When you play the game it looks so real.

It has a special controller that you can use all the time. It is called the mean machine 6,000. It is the best controller that you can use it has vibration on it too. It is computerized. When it gets to the hard part you can kick some video game butt with the ultra mean machine 6,000. It is the best controller that anybody could use.

That would be the best product I would make for the hole world to see.

• There are some sentence, usage, and mechanics errors, but the writer demonstrates control in the majority of the response. Many of the sentences are simple.

MajorEditingErrors

Conventions: Score Point 4If your like me, I never get good sleep with a bed filled with springs. I wake up two times at night if I’m lucky. Well that’s going to change with my bed called the dreamer bed.

Here’s how it works. It is filled with tiny beads so it will form to your every position. Also if you don’t want it just filled with beads, you can blow air in there, too. To fill it with air you get a pump that plugs into a small hole on the side that lets air in and out, but does not let the beads out. If you put air into the bed and you decide you don’t want the air in it, then pull the plug and the air will come out.



You can get the dreamer bed in any colors you want. You can even get a pattern of two, three, or four different colors. Many people think nothing is perfict, but the dreamer bed is perfict! You can never get sick of the dreamer bed.

• There is consistent control demonstrated in Conventions, with few major editing errors.

Major EditingErrors

Conventions: Score Point 5Imagination Inc, I introduce to you the toy that’s sweeping kids off their feet and making them play to the Robotic Simon’s beat. Say hello to fun in the future; it’s Robotic Simon.

This toy is so awesome it comes in three modes. I bet your wondering what a robot named Simon can do. Well, it can do everything you do in the first mode. I call this mode “Simon Says.” (get it?) In this mode Simon does everything you do. Wherever you go he goes. If you lift your arm, he lifts his. If you lift your leg, he lifts his. Even if you jump, he has springs in his shoes so he can jump. Lets say you get tired of Simon being your shadow. Then break out the controller to control Simon. With this controller you can make Simon do a weird dance. Maybe you can make him spin or jump. Now Simon wants to be the boss. So I call his third mode the “Bossy mode.” In this mode Simon goes wherever he wants. If he wants to walk he walks. Maybe he wants to dance, so then he’ll dance. Just for the fun of it he jumps.

Now that I told you about Simon it’s time to introduce Simorina. Simorina is exactly like Simon, but she just acts like him in a more feminine way.

Okay now that you have played with Simon/Simorina with all your energy you want to put him/her away. The only problem is you can’t find the off switch. All you do is clap your hands and he/she turns off. Make sure she/he is not on “Simon Says” mode or he’ll/she’ll just clap.



• The writer demonstrates a full command in Conventions, with very few major editing errors.

MajorEditingErrors

effective writing practices

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