ebony scrooge

8/2/2019 Ebony Scrooge

1/26

THE THREE WISE MEN'S DUMBER YOUNGER BROTHERS

by Nick Zagone

CHARACTERSPRINCE 1PRINCE 2PRINCE 3HERODROYAL SUBJECTEXECUTIONER

SALLYMARY JANEGEORGEMARYTHREE KINGSEXTRAS[PRINCE 1, 2, and 3, aka The Three Wise Mens Dumber Younger Brothers, huddle downstage in cloaks and sandals. They also carry walking staffs.Theyre waiting for something.]

PRINCE 2: Oh man, we are so in for it, we are so screwed.

PRINCE 1: Shut up.

PRINCE 2: King Herod Man, King Herod wants to see us! The King! THE King. What did we do wrong? King Herod man you know what he does

when you screw up? Do you?PRINCE 3: What? What does he do?

PRINCE 2: He whacks it off.

PRINCE 3: It? What's it?

PRINCE 2: IT. IT!

PRINCE 3: It?

PRINCE 1: Dude man, come on think about it. It.

PRINCE 3: Oh! It! [beat] I still don't know what you're talking about.[Enter King, Royal Subject, and company.]

ROYAL SUBJECT: All rise! May I introduce his royal ominous and infinite badness. Ladies and Gentlemen, one night and one night only, hiseminence, let's give it up for King Herod! [applause]

HEROD: Thank you, thank you, I just flew in from Galilee and boy are my arms tired. You ever wonder why everyone around here carries staffs?What is up with that? I mean do we need that much help walking? Are sandals nowadays that bad? And where do these staffs come from anyway?We live in the desert! I mean I haven't seen a tree around here in 20 years! I mean that burning bush must have caused quite a fire-storm huh?HUH? [silence] All right never mind let's get on with business

ROYAL SUBJECT: I'm sorry your royal eminence, King of Comedy might not be your calling.

HEROD: What was that? What did you say?ROYAL SUBJECT: Nothing! Nothing sire!

HEROD: Crucify this man! Out of here! Out!

[Several grab the SUBJECT.]

EXECUTIONER: Excuse me your worship. Don't you want us to "whack it off"Sire?

HEROD: Of course! Of course I want you to whack it off, then I want you to crucify him! No wait, whack it off and then crucify IT! Ha!

[All agree and carry off Royal Subject. Herod sees the Princes.]


2/26

HEROD: Who are you three dufusses?

PRINCE 1: Uh. We sir, we were left a message to see you sir. We're your three royal astrologers' younger brothers, sir.

HEROD: Oh yes! My three wise men, Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh. And what are your names?

PRINCE 1: Oh, I'm Bronze, this is Incense, and he's Gum Resin.

HEROD: Do you know where your brothers are?

PRINCE 1: Well last I heard

PRINCE 2: No sir! No we don't! Have no idea! Uh-uh, no way, couldn't tell you. Can we go now?

HEROD: You sound like you know where they are but you aren't telling me!

PRINCE 2: Oh no sir, I always sound like this. Perpetually guilty, even when I'm not, it's a cross I have to bear. Ooops.

HEROD: Sounds like you want me to whack it off!

PRINCE 2: No!

PRINCE 1: Nevermind him your royal uptightness he's adopted, we think he's half Greek

PRINCE 3: Excuse me sir.

HEROD: Yes!?

PRINCE 3: Question. What exactly is this "it" you whack off? Just wondering.

HEROD: Well you know. It. It!

PRINCE 3: No I don't know. Is it like my arm? My hair? My toe? What?

HEROD: Well tell you the truth, I don't really know, I just said it once and everybody laughed and then they carried some poor sap off. I neverreally checked. Hmmm you truly ARE wise men.

PRINCE 2: Oh you bet sir, we're wise, we're very wise, why we're so wise we well I don't know, I'm the stupid one.PRINCE 1: Shut up!

HEROD: All right here's the scoop! I sent my three astrologersslashkingsslashwisemenslashyourbrothers to go search under that big star that wasout last week for this so called Baby King that was supposed to be born and then

PRINCE 1: Yes?

HEROD: I told them to rub the little bugger out.

PRINCE 3: Kill him? Why?

HEROD: Why? Because I'M the king stupid! I'm the one who does King stuff around here. Is it not obvious? You just saw me order somebody's "it"

whacked off right?PRINCE 2: Oh yes sir, sir. You're the best it whacker offerer we've had in power for years. After all youre a Democrat!

HEROD: That's right! [beat] I actually took power with a majority vote and don't you forget it! Anyway, your brothers were supposed to be back bynow, and they're not, so I want you guys to go out and find them and bring back the official news of this new little King's demise, ya know what I'msayin'? And if you don't come back soon. Whack! Whack! Whack it!

[Herod exits with entourage fanfare to Devo's "Whack it!" (Whip it). Get the rights or youll get sued. Beat.]

PRINCE 3: But we don't know what "it" is!

[Cross-fade to a Manger Scene. Friends Sally and Mary Jane.]


3/26

SALLY: You must be absolutely devastated!

MARY JANE: Well now Sally come on, not really devastated

SALLY: But Mary Jane you must be! I'd be devastated, you must be devastated to not know who the father of your own baby is

MARY JANE: I'm pretty sure he's George's, I just had a quick little fling with my old boyfriend Jacob before we got married that's all so maybe it'shis. But hey, it doesn't matter, little Achmed is a beautiful bouncing baby boy and I love him

SALLY: Devastating! Absolutely devastating I tell you! George at least must be devastated!MARY JANE: George doesn't know. But we're peachy compared to next door in the other stable.

SALLY: Who's next door?

MARY JANE: Mary and Joseph and their new little baby. Our lives are easy compared to their situation.

SALLY: Why what's going on? Tell me, tell me, tell me! Is it devastating?

MARY JANE: Devastating isn't the half of it. Mary doesn't even know how she got pregnant cause she's a virgin and Joseph doesn't know how shegot pregnant either because they never ya know

SALLY: Oh my, that's absolutely devastating!

MARY JANE: But that baby of theirs? Absolutely beautiful I tell you. I thought little Achmed was beautiful, but let me tell you this baby is somethingspecial!

SALLY: Why? Is it bad? Is it devastating?

MARY JANE: Well he can speak already for one thing, he sat right up and blessed me when I came through the stable door.

SALLY: Blessed you?

MARY JANE: Yea, I don't know, you got me, but it was nice.

SALLY: They must be devastated!

MARY JANE: They're takin' it pretty good all in all. There's word around the campfire that they may have the New King on their hands.SALLY: That must be what that bright star is all about.

[Enter George, with Albertson's Striker's Sign smashed over his head.]

GEORGE: Hi Mary Jane, Sally.

MARY JANE: Hi George.

GEORGE: All I could rustle up was some unleavened bread and some manna.

MARY JANE: George you know I'm on Atkins!

GEORGE: Hey, you try finding food out there with the strike on and all the holiday shoppers and there's still no room at the Inn! And next door,criminy sakes, it's like a revolving door for Kings and shepherds to take a gander at that little baby of Mary and Joseph's. I mean what's the big deal,like they haven't seen a baby before, I mean what's wrong with our baby? He's nice, look at him [looks] Honey wipe his face he's got like puke andsnot all over him. Yuck.

SALLY: So George you must be devastated the baby might not be yours.

GEORGE: What?

MARY JANE: Sally!

SALLY: Oh I'm sorry, I wasn't supposed to tell? But now that you know George, you must be devastated.


4/26

GEORGE: Did you screw around with that little pissant Jacob? I'm gonna kick that boy's ass.

MARY JANE: It's yours George, of course it's yours look at him! He has your eyes!

GEORGE: [looks] Yea, he's a cute little bugger. Oh-oh he just vomited again.

SALLY: The devastation in this stable, oh the horrible devastation, it's all so wonderful! I mean horrible

GEORGE: You want devastation? I'll give you devastation. That's the last of the food. I got no job. And my stock portfolios in the tank okay? I don'tknow how we're going to feed the little stinker.

SALLY: Oh the devastation! Oh my God! Yes! Yes! The devastation! [orgasms] Oh! Devastate me! Ohhh! [beat] okay all better.

[Enter the three princes.]

PRINCE 1: Excuse me is this where the new King is born?

GEORGE: What?

MARY JANE: Oh the new King baby? No you want to go

GEORGE: Wait a minute! Ho! Wait a minute! Uh who's askin'?

PRINCE 1: We're the Princes of the three astrological Kings for King Herod.

GEORGE: Princes from King Herod huh? Well uh what do you want?

PRINCE 3: Hey they have a baby [to George] I see you have a newborn baby.

PRINCE 2: With a very pukey face.

GEORGE: Yes we do have a baby, why?

PRINCE 2: Were there three Kings in here who might have given you Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh?

GEORGE: Uh, yea, yea, sure I think those guys were in here. Did they look like Kings?

PRINCE 1: Yea.

GEORGE: Did they look like Kings that were uh astrologers?

PRINCE 2: Yes, yes, that's them!

GEORGE: Yea, they were here. Sure.

PRINCE 3: Can you tell us where they went?

GEORGE: Sure, sure, but first you have to uh make an offering ya know, to our uh, to the new King.

PRINCE 1: So this really is the birthplace of the new King.

GEORGE: That's right. Our little baby King Achmed, wrapped in swaddling clothes and laid in manger you saw the star right?

PRINCE 2: Star?

GEORGE: Up in the sky! You can't tell me you missed the thing, it's been keeping us up all night!

PRINCE 1: Excuse me.

[PRINCE 1 pulls his comrades aside.]

PRINCE 1: That's him! Dude that's the King! The baby our brothers were supposed to knock off!

PRINCE 3: You think so?


5/26

PRINCE 1: Yea, remember the New King that King Herod was all hot under the collar about?

PRINCE 2: Oh yea! The King! But it looks like our brothers didn't finish the job and kill the little bugger, I wonder why?

PRINCE 1: It doesn't matter man, now we can do it, and King Herod will like love us and shower us with gifts, and money and, and beautiful chicks!

PRINCE 3: Beautiful chicks?

PRINCE 2: Yea, but most of all he won't whack our "it" off!

PRINCE 1: Let's kill this l ittle baby, get out of here and get showered with presents and beautiful naked dancing broads.PRINCE 3: Wait a sec! The King didn't say anything about no dancing naked broads.

PRINCE 1: Yes he did!

PRINCE 3: No he didn't! And what? We're supposed to kill a baby? I ain't killin' no baby. Are you gonna kill a baby?

PRINCE 2: No I couldn't kill a baby. I can barely milk a camel.

PRINCE 3: You don't milk a camel.

PRINCE 2: Oh yea!? Well what was that I was pulling on! [beat] Nevermind.

PRINCE 1: Look, I'll kill the baby you wusses.PRINCE 3: Fine smart alec. You kill a little helpless baby. I'm not having any part of it.

GEORGE: So you guys ready to make an offering? Huh? We take cash, check, money order

PRINCE 1: Sure! Sure! We'll give you many gifts of fine bronze, incense and gum resin!

GEORGE: Food?

PRINCE 1: Sure! We got food too! But I just want to take a look at the little tyke first, may I?

[MARY JANE and GEORGE exchange a look, then MARY JANE hands over her baby.]

PRINCE 1: Oh there he is! Now aren't you a cute little guy. Let me wipe off some of your green and chunky disgusting spit-up there[Sally sashays over to Prince 1 and talks in his ear.]

SALLY: It must be devastating for you.

PRINCE 1: What's that?

SALLY: Being the younger brother of a wise astrologer for the King.

PRINCE 1: Well

SALLY: Never to be the first born, always getting second hand crowns and cloaks, never thought of as a leader, never taken seriously

PRINCE 1: It ain't a picnic I'll tell you thatSALLY: Devastating. Absolutely devastating I'm sure. Living your life like a second class citizen. Never the first at anything. Forever merely afollower. Devastating.

PRINCE 1: Well my dear, not today!

[He pulls a knife! Everyone screams!]

MARY: Excuse me.

[MARY, the mother of God enters. Everyone freezes.]


6/26

MARY: Just Mary from next door, I'm sorry if I'm interrupting.

GEORGE: No, not at all!

MARY: Joseph, Jesus and I would like to invite you over for a quiet celebration. Nothing big just a little holiday get-together.

GEORGE: Really? Will there be food?

MARY: Loaves and fishes for everyone.

MARY JANE: Can I bring anything Mary? I hate to go over empty handed, George just got some fresh manna!MARY: Well bless your heart.

GEORGE: You all want to go?

[Everyone says sure, okay, fine, why not? George takes baby back.]

GEORGE: I think I better take this. I 'm not even sure it's mine, but either way I'm positive I can't have you kill it or nothing.

PRINCE 1: Right, right, sure, of course, I understand.

[Reveal tableau manger scene with Older Brother THREE KINGS and shepherds.]

MARY: Come in please, make yourself at homePRINCE 123: Brothers!

3 KINGS: What are you doing here!

PRINCE 123: Looking for you!

3KINGS: We're glad you came/ We need you to help us spread the word/ about our new king!

PRINCE 123: Us?/ Really?/ Are you sure?/ That's great!

PRINCE 3: Wait, what about King Herod. He's gonna whack our "it" off.

PRINCE 2: That's right! We're all goners!3KINGS: Don't you worry 'bout him/ We got a new king/He's old news/ and he's a democrat, he'll get voted out soon enough/ We love youbrothers

PRINCE 123: [burst into tears] You do? You love us? That's beautiful man, we thought you hated us.

3 KINGS: Well we did actually, cause you're so stupid. Then we saw this little baby and well, we don't really care what you are anymore.

[They group hug.]

MARY: [to Sally] I'm so sorry, little Jesus told me you can't join us. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

SALLY: That's devastating, absolutely devastating for me! Why?

MARY: Something about The Christmas Spirit. Out you go!

[Sally backs off, pouts.]

[The manger scene tableaus around the baby Jesus.]

[Mary sees Sally watching, gets up.]

MARY: Excuse me.

[She shuts the curtain.]


7/26

SALLY: Oh my God. I'm devastated!


8/26

THE FIRE

Ten Minute PlaybyD. M. Larson

Cast of Characters

TANDE lost person with only an address and no memory of anything else

SLEEPER a person to be feared who is the only one who can guide TANDETERRY a friendly and concerned person who befriends TANDE

SHOUTER an angry individual who is annoyed easily

HYPE quick to get into other peoples business

WHINER complains about everything and everyone

SWEET an overly friendly person who is upset by harsh words

DOWNER willing to cast a dark shadow on any situation

Scene 1

(Lights in this play are dim to show darkness. A blue tint to the lights might add to the effect.On stage are several cots with people sleeping on them. TANDE enters cautiously among the sleepingpeople. He reaches about center and is distracted by a sudden loud snore behind him. This causes him to run into a cot, C)

SLEEPERWho that? What's with knockin' my bed?

SHOUTERQuiet!

SLEEPERYou quiet yourself.

TANDEI'm sorry. Please go back to sleep.

SLEEPERDon't you start tellin' me what to do. You done plenty already.

TANDEIt was an accident.

SHOUTERWill you shut up?!

HYPEWho's yellin'?

WHINERHey, man. Go to sleep. There's other people around here ya' know.

SLEEPERYeah, I know. So shut your trap.

TANDEPlease, all of you, go back to sleep.


9/26

TERRYWho's the fancy talker? I bet he wears a tie?

SLEEPERI don't see none on him. He lucky. I would a used it to strangle him.

TANDEI'm sorry. I just need a place to sleep.

SLEEPER

There ain't none here.TERRYYou got two cots. Why don't you give him one?

SLEEPERWhat with you? You take a l ikin' to him?

TERRYWell, he ain't got no tie.

SLEEPERAnd I ain't got no cot. So go somewhere else.

TANDEI'll go. It's okay.

SWEETYou can always sleep with me, honey, I got lots of room.

DOWNERWhat're you talkin' about? You're the one who needs two cots.

SWEETCareful what you say, I might cry.

WHINEROh, man. Last time she cry, she wouldn't shut up all night.

TANDEEveryone, please. I didn't mean to cause so much trouble.

SLEEPERYou too late. You already did. Now, you have to pay.

SWEET(Almost a whisper)Be gentle with him.

SLEEPERShut up, woman!

SHOUTERWhy don't you?! I'm tryin' to sleep here.(Silence. SLEEPER crosses to SHOUTER's bed, DR. Hestands over him a moment)What do you want?!

SLEEPERNo one mouths off at me.

SHOUTERToo late, I already did.(In a quick motion, SLEEPER tips the cot, kicksSHOUTER, and pins him to the floor with his foot.


10/26

TANDE tries to escape L during this but is caughtby HYPE and WHINER. HYPE and WHINERpush TANDE roughly into a sitting position ona cot, DL. Once again everything is still again)

SLEEPERWhat you say to me, boy?

SHOUTERNothin', nothin' at all.

SLEEPERAnd what you say to me later?

SHOUTERNothin'.

HYPE(Holding TANDE)We got this one.

WHINERWhat you gonna do with him?

SLEEPER(Crosses to TANDE, grabs his face roughly andmakes TANDE look up at him)Does I scare you?

TANDE(Softly)Yes.

SLEEPER(Smiles, still holding him, looking into his eyes)It's that look I love. I loves it more than women. And you's got it.(He roughly releases TANDE. Others leave himalone and go to the corners to converse. SLEEPER

sits on his cot. TERRY goes to TANDE)TERRYHi, there.

TANDEHi.

TERRYMy name's Terry.(Holds out hand. They shake)

TANDETande.

TERRYI think Sleeper likes you.

TANDEI think you're wrong.

TERRYHe's not as bad as he looks. He's really a pussy cat deep down.

TANDEYeah, with long claws, long teeth, and rabies.


11/26

TERRYOh, youre funny. I like you.

TANDE(Brushing off the unwanted intimacy)Where am I?

DOWNER(Joins them)You're down, man. You're at the end of existence.

TERRYHe exaggerates.

DOWNERYou eg-za-der-dates if you's sayin' otherwise.

TANDEI was told to come here. At least, I think so.(Takes out paper)Here's the address.(TERRY is silent when he sees paper)

DOWNER

That's bad man. Real bad.TANDEWhat is?

DOWNERThat place.

TANDEThen this isn't it?

DOWNERThis place is far from it, man. This is Disneyland to that.

TANDEMaybe I shouldn't go.

TERRYYou have to.

TANDEWho will take me there, then?

TERRY(No longer cheerful)Sleeper can take you.

TANDE

Sleeper? Why him?DOWNERThat's a bad place. Only Sleeper goes there.(To TERRY)They say he's from that neighborhood.

TERRYIf that's possible.

TANDECan it be that bad?


12/26

DOWNERWhere you comin' from, man? Don't you know nothin' about this neighborhood?

TANDEThis is all new to me.

DOWNERIt better be unnew and fast or you's gonna lose yourself here.

TERRY

That place where you're going...TANDEYeah?

TERRYIt's dangerous... cops don't even go there.

DOWNERAnd when Sleeper goes, he don't bring no one back.

TERRYYou didn't have to tell him that.

DOWNERIt's the truth, ain't it?

TANDEI'm free, aren't I? I just won't go. I'll stay here. That's easy enough.

DOWNERYou forget. Sleeper won't let you. You're stuck.

TANDEDamned if I do, damned if I don't.

DOWNERHey, he catches on quick.

TERRYNot quick enough I'm afraid.

TANDEWon't Sleeper help me through?

DOWNERSleeper? Help? Those words don't go, man. Sleeper would sooner see you hurt than helped. That's his way.

TANDEI may as well go alone then.

TERRY

Sleeper would go anyway. Its his job. You may as well go with him.DOWNERYou stick with Sleeper in that neighborhood, man. You'll be glad you did. With them the way they are there, he'll be your best friend.

TANDEI don't understand any of this. What is this stupid address? I don't want to go, but what else can I do? There's nothing behind me. There's nothinghere. The only thing I have is this address.

DOWNERKeep what you got. It could be worse but not much.(Moment of silence. SLEEPER gets up and puts on ajacket. SLEEPER crosses over to them. DOWNER sees


13/26

him and crosses away. TANDE and TERRY noticeSLEEPER when DOWNER leaves)

SLEEPER(To TANDE)You comin'?(TANDE looks to TERRY pleadingly)

TERRY

You'd better go.(TERRY gets up and crosses away)

SLEEPERShow me your paper.

TANDEPaper?

SLEEPER(Louder and sharper)The address!(TANDE quickly gives it to him)

SLEEPER(Laughs darkly)Bad place. What's a fancy talkin' little wuss like you doin' in a neighborhood like this?

TANDESomeone gave me the address. I don't remember them saying anything else.

SLEEPERProbably better that way.

TANDEWhat is this place anyway?

SLEEPER

That depends on you.TANDEWhat is that supposed to mean?

SLEEPER(Laughs)You see. What that they say. "Patience is a..." What's that word?

TANDE"Virtue."

SLEEPERYeah. You got to get yourself some of that.

TANDEI thought I had plenty before this.

SLEEPERYou find you got a lot less after.(Starts R)It's time.

TERRY(Goes up to TANDE)Keep safe.


14/26

SLEEPERI ain't got the time!

TERRYYou'd better go.

TANDEGood-bye. Perhaps I'll be back this way again.(TERRY smiles sadly)

SLEEPERYou comin'?(TANDE follows SLEEPER off R. TERRY watchessadly. DOWNER glances reluctantly, but turns away.Lights fade to black)


15/26

10 minute selection from: Big Nose (A Modern Cyrano) by D. M. Larson

Cast of Characters

CYRIL (MAN): A local man who has a rather large nose.

CAPTAIN: A bad actor who makes William Shatner look good.

SOLDIER: Another equally bad actor.

FRIEND(S): A friend of CYRILs in the audience who can be played by one or more actors of either gender.ROXY: An actress in the CAPTAINs play who catches CYRILs eye.

KELLY: CYRILs friend who runs the theatre.

Time and PlaceA modern day community theatre in small town USA.

Scene 1

(Lights come up on a poorly constructed set. There is a balcony with odd colored cloth hanging down and a backdrop that is supposed to be acastle. Two men enter in Shakespearean type dress. They are very bad actors who think they are very good)

CAPTAINLook at yonder window, friend. She awaits me, she does.

SOLDIERDoth she?

CAPTAINShe does.

SOLDIERBut doth she love thee?

CAPTAINShe does.

SOLDIERSo good for you.

MAN(From audience)So bad for us!(He and FRIENDS laugh. The two actors take a quick glance out in surprise then quickly get back in character)

CAPTAINUh... yes. She loveth me. She wroteth a letter. (Takes it out. Sniffs lovingly) Ah, doth though smelleth her fragrance? Doth thou find it heavenly?

SOLDIER(Excited) I smell. I smell.

MANYou can say that again. (He and friends laugh. The two actors try to hide their anger, but they don't do it well)

CAPTAINTonight, I shall go to her. Tonight. Tonight!

MANWhen?!

CAPTAIN(Angry. Trying to be more dramatic)Tonight!


16/26

MAN(Mocking)I can't hear you.

CAPTAIN(Turns to run off the stage)Now look here!(SOLDIER grabs him)

SOLDIERI can not let you go to her.

CAPTAIN

(One more look at MAN then gets back to play)Why doth thou stopeth me?SOLDIERBecause she is to be mine.

CAPTAINThen we must fight to our deaths.

MANWe can only hope.

SOLDIER(They pull swords)We fight for love!(They dual. MAN sings "Love Boat Theme." He gets FRIENDS to join in. CAPTAIN is stabbed)

CAPTAINOh, my heart. My loving heart. My heart is stabbed. I can love no more.

SOLDIEROh, my captain. I have slain thee. But how?

MANWhat do you mean "how"? What's that in your hand, a swizzle stick?

CAPTAINI die now. I die. I leave thee to love for I can love no more. My heart is worn. My blood will pour this night no more. I leave my sword, my rank, mylove. You have it all now. You have everything I desire.(Cough)I die and leave thee. I die and leave thee these words.

MAN

Will you just die already?!CAPTAIN(Jumps up)I've had it with you!

MANIt's a miracle. He's alive.

CAPTAIN(Picks up his sword)Come on, whoever you are. I've had it with you. One night is bad enough but three in a row!

MAN(Leaps up onto the stage)Do you not know me?(The man is CYRIL DE BURG, local jokester. He is well known for his big nose)

CAPTAINOh, yeah. I know you now. I've heard about you. You're the one with the big nose.(Gasp from CYRIL'S FRIENDS)

FRIEND(From audience)You shouldn't have said that.

CYRILYou're offended by my nose?

CAPTAINIt is no stranger than a dog with two tails.


17/26

(He laughs but no one laughs with him)

CYRILThere was a poem a read once. It goes something like this: (Picking up a sword)"Roses are red. Violets are fuchsia. What you dish out, comes rightback to ya'.(And CYRIL quickly unarms the CAPTAIN with a twistof his sword)

CAPTAIN(Looks at empty hand) How did you?(Backs away)No hard feeling, huh?

CYRIL

None at all.(CAPTAIN starts to go)CYRILI look forward to seeing your performance tomorrow night.

CAPTAINOh, no.

CYRILOh, yes.

CAPTAINOh, golly.(Exits)

ROXY(Comes out on balcony)What's going on out here?

CYRIL(To audience)Now, for the moment you've all been waiting for. The farewell. When we last left our hero, he was flat on the floor, bleeding and giving someterribly boring speech. But his fair lady comes out and sees him dying. She calls out to him:(He points to her)

ROXY(She gives him a dirty look)What is this?

CYRIL

And she says...ROXY(Sighs. Speaks flatly)Oh, but I must have one good-bye kiss.

CYRILAnd so our hero, though he is bleeding to death, uses his last bit of strength to climb up to her.(He does actions. The ROXY looks very annoyed. Heis almost to her)He wants that one last kiss. The kiss he has been dreaming of. But before he can reach her he tosses the mortal coil. UHHH!(He dies and falls. Looks out at audience)And dies.(Stands up)Finally.

ROXYThat isn't how it ends.

CYRIL

It isn't?ROXYNo.(She looks at him)It ends with a kiss.

CYRILIt does?

ROXYYes.

CYRILReally?(He climbs up again)Could you perhaps... show me?


18/26

ROXY(She looks at him critically and then smiles. She leans to almost kiss him)In your dreams.(She pushes him off. KELLY rushes out and faces audience)

KELLYWell, folks. That was an interesting twist in tonights show. We will now have a ten minute intermission

CAPTAI N(Storms onto the stage. Rips up a contract in front of KELLY)I quit!

(Exits)KELLYLets make that a twenty minute intermission and well be back with something.(Angrily calls to CYRIL under her breath)Get over here.

CYRILSomething wrong?

KELLYThanks to you, the theatre group canceled the rest of tonights performance. Now what am I going to do?

CYRILHey! Lets have a community talent show.

KELLYYou mean right now?

CYRILGive a prize. That will make them happy.

KELLY(Sighs)I guess. What else can I do?

KELLY(ROXY exits as CYRIL enters. He watches her go)You ready?

CYRIL

Of course.(To audience)Everyone? Can I have your attention please? Due to a sudden attack of stupidity, we will not be showing our regularly scheduledplay. Instead I present to you a talent show where you, the audience, can be a part of it. First prize $100.

KELLY$100?

CYRIL(Aside)Just play along.

KELLYEasy for you to say. Its not your $100.

CYRIL

Ill start things off by reciting some of my poetry.CAPTAIN(Appears out of audience)I thought you said this was a talent show. It cant be one with you in it.

CYRILYoure still here? Did the rest of the theatre group leave without you?

CAPTAINAren't you being a l ittle nosey?(Referring to CYRIL'S nose)I guess you're probably always nosing around.(CYRIL is mad. ROXY, SOLDIER, KELLYreappear on stage)What's wrong? I guess nobody nose!


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CYRILIs that all you can think up?

CAPTAINI'm sure I could come up with a few more.

CYRILI bet you can't.

CAPTAIN

Wanna bet?CYRILGladly.

KELLYCyril. What are you doing?(CYRIL waves her down)

CYRILI challenge you to a dual of jokes. Whoever tells the most nose jokes...(CAPTAIN is up on stage)

CAPTAINYes?

CYRIL(Thinks. CYRIL motions to ROXY)Gets a kiss from the lovely lady.

KELLYCyril!

ROXYNo, it's okay.

CAPTAIN(Comes onstage. Eyeing ROXY)I'll gladly accept as long as its a real kiss, not one of those stage kisses.

ROXY(Winks at CYRIL)It depends who wins.(FRIENDS cat call from audience)

CYRILShall we begin?

CAPTAINOkay, big nose.(Laughs)There's one.

CYRILThat's it? I guess I shouldn't expect much from someone who must use his nose to count to eleven.

FRIEND(From audience)One - one!

CYRIL

No, no. We are insulting my nose, not his. Let's see. Oh, yes. Aggressive: Sir, if I had such a nose, I would cut it off to please, not spite, my face.(Looks at audience)One - one.

CAPTAINYour nose is so big you must use a box of tissues a day.(A few boos from FRIENDS)

CYRILOh, let's give it to him. Two - one.(Thinks)Hmmm. Ah, here's one: Hey, that thing's nearly a house... and wow, what a view!

FRIENDTwo - two!


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CAPTAIN(Frustrated. Then smiles)I've seen a bigger nose. On an elephant.

CYRILVery good. Three - two.(Thinks. Smiles)On exercise: I've heard of people developing their muscles, but developing your nose? Itsthe noseflex exercise challenge.

FRIENDThree all!

CAPTAIN(Annoyed)Uh, your nose is so big you... you...

CYRILSee the snot before you hear the sneeze?

FRIENDThat point goes to Cyril.

CAPTAINHe didn't let me finish.

CYRIL

Go ahead.CAPTAINIt's so big... you're always nosing around.(Boos)

CYRILNo point.(CAPTAIN scowls)Gracious: How kind of you! How many people put a bird perch on his face?

CAPTAINNow look here...

CYRIL

When you have a cigarette and blow out your nose, do the neighbors cry, "Look out! A chimney's on fire!"CAPTAINForget it... I'm through...

CYRIL(Stops him)But I'm just getting started. When you go to the movies, do they charge you twice?

FRIENDSeven to three!

CAPTAINIt is not!

CYRIL(CAPTAIN is really ticked)And for my final insult: Musical. Sing with me now:(FRIENDS sing)Nobody NOSE the trouble I've seen. Nobody NOSE my sorrow.(FRIENDS give wild applause)

CAPTAINI'm out of here.

CYRILDon't forget to write.


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ROXYIts about time somebody put that jerk in his place.(Smiles at CYRIL who suddenly becomes shy)And for your prize... a kiss.(She kisses him. LIGHTSFADE TO BLACK)


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THE BOOR

by: Anton ChekhovThis English translation was published in Contemporary One-Act Plays. Ed. B. RolandLewis. New York: Charles Scribner's Sons, 1922.

PERSONS IN THE PLAYHELENA IVANOVNA POPOV, a young widow, mistress of a country estate

GRIGORI STEPANOVITCH SMIRNOV,proprietor of a country estate

LUKA, servant of MRS. POPOV

A gardener. A Coachman. Several workmen.

TIME: The present.SCENE:A well-furnished reception-room in MRS. POPOV'S home. MRS. POPOV is discovered in deep mourning, sitting upon a sofa, gazingsteadfastly at a photograph. LUKA is also present.LUKA: It isn't right, ma'am. You're wearing yourself out! The maid and the cook have gone looking for berries; everything that breathes is enjoyinglife; even the cat knows how to be happy--slips about the courtyard and catches birds--but you hide yourself here in the house as though you werein a cloister. Yes, truly, by actual reckoning you haven't left this house for a whole year.MRS. POPOV: And I shall never leave it--why should I? My life is over. He lies in his grave, and I have buried myself within these four walls. We areboth dead.LUKA: There you are again! It's too awful to listen to, so it is! Nikolai Michailovitch is dead; it was the will of the Lord, and the Lord has given himeternal peace. You have grieved over it and that ought to be enough. Now it's time to stop. One can't weep and wear mourning forever! My wife

died a few years ago. I grieved for her. I wept a whole month--and then it was over. Must one be forever singing lamentations? That would be morethan your husband was worth! [He sighs.] You have forgotten all your neighbors. You don't go out and you receive no one. We live--you'll pardonme--like the spiders, and the good light of day we never see. All the livery is eaten by mice--as though there weren't any more nice people in theworld! But the whole neighborhood is full of gentlefolk. The regiment is stationed in Riblov--officers--simply beautiful! One can't see enough ofthem! Every Friday a ball, and military music every day. Oh, my dear, dear ma'am, young and pretty as you are, if you'd only let your spirits live--!Beauty can't last forever. When ten short years are over, you'll be glad enough to go out a bit and meet the officers--and then it'll be too late.MRS. POPOV: [Resolutely.] Please don't speak of these things again. You know very well that since the death of Nikolai Michailovitch my life isabsolutely nothing to me. You think I live, but it only seems so. Do you understand? Oh, that his departed soul may see how I love him! I know, it'sno secret to you; he was often unjust to me, cruel, and--he wasn't faithful, but I shall be faithful to the grave and prove to him how I can love.There, in the Beyond, he'll find me the same as I was until his death.LUKA: What is the use of all these words, when you'd so much rather go walking in the garden or order Tobby or Welikan harnessed to the trap,and visit the neighbors?MRS. POPOV: [Weeping.] Oh!LUKA: Madam, dear madam, what is it? In Heaven's name!

MRS. POPOV: He loved Tobby so! He always drove him to the Kortschagins or the Vlassovs. What a wonderful horseman he was! How fine helooked when he pulled at the reigns with all his might! Tobby, Tobby--give him an extra measure of oats to-day!LUKA: Yes, ma'am.[A bell rings loudly.]MRS. POPOV: [Shudders.] What's that? I am at home to no one.LUKA: Yes, ma'am.[He goes out, centre.]MRS. POPOV: [Gazing at the photograph.] You shall see, Nikolai, how I can love and forgive! My love will die only with me--when my poor heartstops beating. [She smiles through her tears.] And aren't you ashamed? I have been a good, true wife; I have imprisoned myself and I shall remaintrue until death, and you--you--you're not ashamed of yourself, my dear monster! You quarrelled with me, left me alone for weeks--[LUKA enters in great excitement.]LUKA: Oh, ma'am, someone is asking for you, insists on seeing you--MRS. POPOV: You told him that since my husband's death I receive no one?LUKA: I said so, but he won't listen; he says it is a pressing matter.

MRS. POPOV: I receive no one!LUKA: I told him that, but he's a wild man; he swore and pushed himself into the room; he's in the dining-room now.MRS. POPOV: [Excitedly.] Good. Show him in. The impudent--![LUKA goes out, centre.]MRS. POPOV: What a bore people are! What can they want with me? Why do they disturb my peace? [She sighs.] Yes, it is clear I must enter aconvent. [Meditatively.] Yes, a convent.[SMIRNOV enters, followed by LUKA.]SMIRNOV: [To LUKA.] Fool, you make too much noise! You're an ass! [Discovering MRS. POPOV--politely.] Madam, I have the honor to introducemyself: Lieutenant in the Artillery, retired, country gentleman, Grigori Stapanovitch Smirnov! I'm compelled to bother you about an exceedinglyimportant matter.MRS. POPOV: [Without offering her hand.] What is it you wish?


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SMIRNOV: Your deceased husband, with whom I had the honor to be acquainted, left me two notes amounting to about twelve hundred roubles.Inasmuch as I have to pay the interest to-morrow on a loan from the Agrarian Bank, I should like to request, madam, that you pay me the moneyto-day.MRS. POPOV: Twelve-hundred--and for what was my husband indebted to you?SMIRNOV: He bought oats from me.MRS. POPOV: [With a sigh, to LUKA.] Don't forget to give Tobby an extra measure of oats.[LUKA goes out.]MRS. POPOV: [To SMIRNOV.] If Nikolai Michailovitch is indebted to you, I shall, of course, pay you, but I am sorry, I haven't the money to-day. To-morrow my manager will return from the city and I shall notify him to pay you what is due you, but until then I cannot satisfy your request.Furthermore, today is just seven months since the death of my husband, and I am not in the mood to discuss money matters.

SMIRNOV: And I am in the mood to fly up the chimney with my feet in the air if I can't lay hands on that interest to-morrow. They'll seize my estateMRS. POPOV: Day after to-morrow you will receive the money.SMIRNOV: I don't need the money day after to-morrow; I need it to-day.MRS. POPOV: I'm sorry I can't pay you today.SMIRNOV: And I can't wait until day after to-morrow.MRS. POPOV: But what can I do if I haven't it?SMIRNOV: So you can't pay?MRS. POPOV: I cannot.SMIRNOV: Hm! Is that your last word?MRS. POPOV: My last.SMIRNOV: Absolutely?MRS. POPOV: Absolutely.SMIRNOV: Thank you. [He shrugs his shoulders.] And they expect me to stand for all that. The toll-gatherer just now met me in the road and askedwhy I was always worrying. Why, in Heaven's name, shouldn't I worry? I need money, I feel the knife at my throat. Yesterday morning I left my

house in the early dawn and called on all my debtors. If even one of them had paid his debt! I worked the skin off my fingers! The devil knows inwhat sort of Jew-inn I slept; in a room with a barrel of brandy! And now at last I come here, seventy versts from home, hope for a little money, andall you give me is moods! Why shouldn't I worry?MRS. POPOV: I thought I made it plain to you that my manager will return from town, and then you will get your money.SMIRNOV: I did not come to see the manager; I came to see you. What the devil--pardon the language--do I care for your manager?MRS. POPOV: Really, sir, I am not used to such language or such manners. I shan't listen to you any further.[She goes out, left.]SMIRNOV: What can one say to that? Moods! Seven months since her husband died! Do I have to pay the interest or not? I repeat the question,have I to pay the interest or not? The husband is dead and all that; the manager is--the devil with him!--travelling somewhere. Now, tell me, whatam I to do? Shall I run away from my creditors in a balloon? Or knock my head against a stone wall? If I call on Grusdev he chooses to be "not athome," Iroschevitch has simply hidden himself, I have quarrelled with Kurzin and came near throwing him out of the window, Masutov is ill and thiswoman has--moods! Not one of them will pay up! And all because I've spoiled them, because I'm an old whiner, dish-rag! I'm too tender-heartedwith them. But wait! I allow nobody to play tricks with me, the devil with 'em all! I'll stay here and not budge until she pays! Brr! How angry I am,how terribly angry I am! Every tendon is trembling with anger, and I can hardly breathe! I'm even growing ill! [He calls out.] Servant![LUKA enters.]LUKA: What is it you wish?SMIRNOV: Bring me Kvas or water! [LUKA goes out.] Well, what can we do? She hasn't it on hand? What sort of logic is that? A fellow stands withthe knife at his throat, he needs money, he is on the point of hanging himself, and she won't pay because she isn't in the mood to discuss moneymatters. Women's logic! That's why I never liked to talk to women, and why I dislike doing it now. I would rather sit on a powder barrel than talkwith a woman. Brr!--I'm getting cold as ice; this affair has made me so angry. I need only to see such a romantic creature from a distance to get soangry that I have cramps in my calves! It's enough to make one yell for help![Enter LUKA.]LUKA: [Hands him water.] Madam is ill and is not receiving.SMIRNOV: March! [LUKA goes out.] Ill and isn't receiving! All right, it isn't necessary. I won't receive, either! I'll sit here and stay until you bring thatmoney. If you're ill a week, I'll sit here a week. If you're ill a year, I'll sit here a year. As Heaven is my witness, I'll get the money. You don't disturbme with your mourning--or with your dimples. We know these dimples! [He calls out the window.] Simon, unharness! We aren't going to leave righaway. I am going to stay here. Tell them in the stable to give the horses some oats. The left horse has twisted the bridle again. [Imitatinghim.] Stop! I'll show you how. Stop! [Leaves window.] It's awful. Unbearable heat, no money, didn't sleep last night and now--mourning-dresses

with moods. My head aches; perhaps I ought to have a drink. Ye-s, I must have a drink. [Calling.] Servant!LUKA: What do you wish?SMIRNOV: Something to drink! [LUKA goes out. SMIRNOV sits down and looks at his clothes.] Ugh, a fine figure! No use denying that. Dust, dirtyboots, unwashed, uncombed, straw on my vest--the lady probably took me for a highwayman. [He yawns.] It was a little impolite to come into areception-room with such clothes. Oh, well, no harm done. I'm not here as a guest. I'm a creditor. And there is no special costume for creditors.LUKA: [Entering with glass.] You take great liberty, sir.SMIRNOV: [Angrily.] What?LUKA: I--I--I just----SMIRNOV: Whom are you talking to? Keep quiet.LUKA: [Angrily.] Nice mess! This fellow won't leave![He goes out.]SMIRNOV: Lord, how angry I am! Angry enough to throw mud at the whole world! I even feel ill! Servant![MRS. POPOV comes in with downcast eyes.]


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MRS. POPOV: Sir, in my solitude I have become unaccustomed to the human voice and I cannot stand the sound of loud talking. I beg you, please tocease disturbing my rest.SMIRNOV: Pay me my money and I'll leave.MRS. POPOV: I told you once, plainly, in your native tongue, that I haven't the money at hand; wait until day after to-morrow.SMIRNOV: And I also had the honor of informing you in your native tongue that I need the money, not day after to-morrow, but to-day. If you don'tpay me to-day I shall have to hang myself to-morrow.MRS. POPOV: But what can I do if I haven't the money?SMIRNOV: So you are not going to pay immediately? You're not?MRS. POPOV: I cannot.SMIRNOV: Then I'll sit here until I get the money. [He sits down.] You will pay day after to-morrow? Excellent! Here I stay until day after to-

morrow. [Jumps up.] I ask you, do I have to pay that interest to-morrow or not? Or do you think I 'm joking?MRS. POPOV: Sir, I beg of you, don't scream! This is not a stable.SMIRNOV: I'm not talking about stables, I'm asking you whether I have to pay that interest to-morrow or not?MRS. POPOV: You have no idea how to treat a lady.SMIRNOV: Oh, yes, I have.MRS. POPOV: No, you have not. You are an ill-bred, vulgar person! Respectable people don't speak so to ladies.SMIRNOV: How remarkable! How do you want one to speak to you? In French, perhaps! Madame, je vous prie! Pardon me for having disturbedyou. What beautiful weather we are having to-day! And how this mourning becomes you![He makes a low bow with mock ceremony.]MRS. POPOV: Not at all funny! I think it vulgar!SMIRNOV: [Imitating her.] Not at all funny--vulgar! I don't understand how to behave in the company of ladies. Madam, in the course of my life Ihave seen more women than you have sparrows. Three times have I fought duels for women, twelve I jilted and nine jilted me. There was a timewhen I played the fool, used honeyed language, bowed and scraped. I loved, suffered, sighed to the moon, melted in love's torments. I lovedpassionately, I loved to madness, loved in every key, chattered like a magpie on emancipation, sacrificed half my fortune in the tender passion,

until now the devil knows I've had enough of it. Your obedient servant will let you lead him around by the nose no more. Enough! Black eyes,passionate eyes, coral lips, dimples in cheeks, moonlight whispers, soft, modest sights--for all that, madam, I wouldn't pay a kopeck! I am notspeaking of present company, but of women in general; from the tiniest to the greatest, they are conceited, hypocritical, chattering, odious,deceitful from top to toe; vain, petty, cruel with a maddening logic and[he strikes his forehead] in this respect, please excuse my frankness, but onesparrow is worth ten of the aforementioned petticoat-philosophers. When one sees one of the romantic creatures before him he imagines he islooking at some holy being, so wonderful that its one breath could dissolve him in a sea of a thousand charms and delights; but if one looks into thesoul--it's nothing but a common crocodile. [He siezes the arm-chair and breaks it in two.] But the worst of all is that this crocodile imagines it is amasterpiece of creation, and that it has a monopoly on all the tender passions. May the devil hang me upside down if there is anything to loveabout a woman! When she is in love, all she knows is how to complain and shed tears. If the man suffers and makes sacrifices she swings her trainabout and tries to lead him by the nose. You have the misfortune to be a woman, and naturally you know woman's nature; tell me on your honor,have you ever in your life seen a woman who was really true and faithful? Never! Only the old and the deformed are true and faithful. It's easier tofind a cat with horns or a white woodcock, than a faithful woman.MRS. POPOV: But allow me to ask, who is true and faithful in love? The man, perhaps?SMIRNOV: Yes, indeed! The man!

MRS. POPOV: The man! [She laughs sarcastically.] The man true and faithful in love! Well, that is something new![Bitterly.] How can you makesuch a statement? Men true and faithful! So long as we have gone thus far, I may as well say that of all the men I have known, my husband was thebest; I loved him passionately with all my soul, as only a young, sensible woman may love; I gave him my youth, my happiness, my fortune, my life. worshipped him like a heathen. And what happened? This best of men betrayed me in every possible way. After his death I found his desk filledwith love-letters. While he was alive he left me alone for months--it is horrible even to think about it--he made love to other women in my verypresence, he wasted my money and made fun of my feelings--and in spite of everything I trusted him and was true to him. And more than that: heis dead and I am still true to him. I have buried myself within these four walls and I shall wear this mourning to my grave.SMIRNOV: [Laughing disrespectfully.] Mourning! What on earth do you take me for? As if I didn't know why you wore this black domino and whyyou buried yourself within these four walls. Such a secret! So romantic! Some knight will pass the castle, gaze up at the windows, and think tohimself: "Here dwells the mysterious Tamara who, for love of her husband, has buried herself within four walls." Oh, I understand the art!MRS. POPOV: [Springing up.] What? What do you mean by saying such things to me?SMIRNOV: You have buried yourself alive, but meanwhile you have not forgotten to powder your nose!MRS. POPOV: How dare you speak so?SMIRNOV: Don't scream at me, please; I'm not the manager. Allow me to call things by their right names. I am not a woman, and I am accustomed

to speak out what I think. So please don't scream.MRS. POPOV: I'm not screaming. It is you who are screaming. Please leave me, I beg you.SMIRNOV: Pay me my money, and I'll leave.MRS. POPOV: I won't give you the money.SMIRNOV: You won't? You won't give me my money?MRS. POPOV: I don't care what you do. You won't get a kopeck! Leave me!SMIRNOV: As I haven't had the pleasure of being either your husband or your fianc, please don't make a scene. [He sits down.] I can't stand it.MRS. POPOV: [Breathing hard.] You are going to sit down?SMIRNOV: I already have.MRS. POPOV: Kindly leave the house!SMIRNOV: Give me the money.MRS. POPOV: I don't care to speak with impudent men. Leave! [Pause.] You aren't going?SMIRNOV: No.


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MRS. POPOV: No?SMIRNOV: No.MRS. POPOV: Very well.[She rings the bell. Enter LUKA.]MRS. POPOV: Luka, show the gentleman out.LUKA: [Going to SMIRNOV.] Sir, why don't you leave when you are ordered? What do you want?SMIRNOV: [Jumping up.] Whom do you think you are talking to? I'll grind you to powder.LUKA: [Puts his hand to his heart.] Good Lord! [He drops into a chair.] Oh, I'm ill; I can't breathe!MRS. POPOV: Where is Dascha? [Calling.] Dascha! Pelageja! Dascha![She rings.]

LUKA: They're all gone! I'm ill! Water!MRS. POPOV: [To SMIRNOV.] Leave! Get out!SMIRNOV: Kindly be a little more polite!MRS. POPOV: [Striking her fists and stamping her feet.] You are vulgar! You're a boor! A monster!SMIRNOV: What did you say?MRS. POPOV: I said you were a boor, a monster!SMIRNOV: [Steps toward her quickly.] Permit me to ask what right you have to insult me?MRS. POPOV: What of it? Do you think I am afraid of you?SMIRNOV: And you think that because you are a romantic creature you can insult me without being punished? I challenge you!LUKA: Merciful Heaven! Water!SMIRNOV: We'll have a duel!MRS. POPOV: Do you think because you have big fists and a steer's neck I am afraid of you?SMIRNOV: I allow no one to insult me, and I make no exception because you are a woman, one of the "weaker sex!"MRS. POPOV: [Trying to cry him down.] Boor, boor, boor!

SMIRNOV: It is high time to do away with the old superstition that it is only the man who is forced to give satisfaction. If there is equity at all lettheir be equity in all things. There's a limit!MRS. POPOV: You wish to fight a duel? Very well.SMIRNOV: Immediately.MRS. POPOV: Immediately. My husband had pistols. I'll bring them. [She hurries away, then turns.] Oh, what a pleasure it will be to put a bullet inyour impudent head. The devil take you![She goes out.]SMIRNOV: I'll shoot her down! I'm no fledgling, no sentimental young puppy. For me there is no weaker sex!LUKA: Oh, sir. [Falls to his knees.] Have mercy on me, an old man, and go away. You have frightened me to death already, and now you want tofight a duel.SMIRNOV: [Paying no attention.] A duel. That's equity, emancipation. That way the sexes are made equal. I'll shoot her down as a matter ofprinciple. What can a person say to such a woman? [Imitating her.] "The devil take you. I'll put a bullet in your impudent head." What can one sayto that? She was angry, her eyes blazed, she accepted the challenge. On my honor, it's the first time in my life that I ever saw such a woman.LUKA: Oh, sir. Go away. Go away!

SMIRNOV: That is a woman. I can understand her. A real woman. No shilly-shallying, but fire, powder, and noise! It would be a pity to shoot awoman like that.LUKA: [Weeping.] Oh, sir, go away.[Enter MRS. POPOV.]MRS. POPOV: Here are the pistols. But before we have our duel, please show me how to shoot. I have never had a pistol in my hand before!LUKA: God be merciful and have pity upon us! I'll go and get the gardener and the coachman. Why has this horror come to us?[He goes out.]SMIRNOV: [Looking at the pistols.] You see, there are different kinds. There are special duelling pistols, with cap and ball. But these are revolvers,Smith & Wesson, with ejectors; fine pistols! A pair like that cost at least ninety roubles. This is the way to hold a revolver.[Aside.] Those eyes, thoseeyes! A real woman!MRS. POPOV: Like this?SMIRNOV: Yes, that way. Then you pull the hammer back--so--then you aim--put your head back a little. Just stretch your arm out, please. So--thenpress your finger on the thing like that, and that is all. The chief thing is this: don't get excited, don't hurry your aim, and take care that your handdoesn't tremble.

MRS. POPOV: It isn't well to shoot inside; let's go into the garden.SMIRNOV: Yes. I'll tell you now, I am going to shoot into the air.MRS. POPOV: That is too much! Why?SMIRNOV: Because---because. That's my business.MRS. POPOV: You are afraid. Yes. A-h-h-h. No, no, my dear sir, no flinching! Please follow me. I won't rest until I've made a hole in that head I hateso much. Are you afraid?SMIRNOV: Yes, I'm afraid.MRS. POPOV: You are lying. Why won't you fight?SMIRNOV: Because--because--I--like you.MRS. POPOV: [With an angry laugh.] You like me! He dares to say he likes me! [She points to the door.] Go.SMIRNOV: [Laying the revolver silently on the table, takes his hat and starts. At the door he stops a moment, gazing at her silently, then heapproaches her, hesitating.] Listen! Are you still angry? I was mad as the devil, but please understand me--how can I express myself? The thing is


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like this--such things are-- [He raises his voice.] Now, is it my fault that you owe me money? [Grasps the back of the chair, which breaks.] The devilknow what breakable furniture you have! I like you! Do you understand? I--I'm almost in love!MRS. POPOV: Leave! I hate you.SMIRNOV: Lord! What a woman! I never in my life met one like her. I'm lost, ruined! I've been caught like a mouse in a trap.MRS. POPOV: Go, or I'll shoot.SMIRNOV: Shoot! You have no idea what happiness it would be to die in sight of those beautiful eyes, to die from the revolver in this little velvethand! I'm mad! Consider it and decide immediately, for if I go now, we shall never see each other again. Decide--speak--I am a noble, a respectableman, have an income of ten thousand, can shoot a coin thrown into the air. I own some fine horses. Will you be my wife?MRS. POPOV: [Swings the revolver angrily.] I'll shoot!SMIRNOV: My mind is not clear--I can't understand. Servant--water! I have fallen in love like any young man. [He takes her hand and she cries withpain.] I love you! [He kneels.]I love you as I have never loved before. Twelve women I jilted, nine jilted me, but not one of them all have I loved as Ilove you. I am conquered, lost; I lie at your feet like a fool and beg for your hand. Shame and disgrace! For five years I haven't been in love; Ithanked the Lord for it, and now I am caught, like a carriage tongue in another carriage. I beg for your hand! Yes or no? Will you?--Good![He gets up and goes quickly to the door.]MRS. POPOV: Wait a minute!SMIRNOV: [Stopping.] Well?MRS. POPOV: Nothing. You may go. But--wait a moment. No, go on, go on. I hate you. Or--no; don't go. Oh, if you knew how angry I was, howangry! [She throws the revolver on to the chair.] My finger is swollen from this thing. [She angrily tears her handkerchief.]What are you standingthere for? Get out!SMIRNOV: Farewell!MRS. POPOV: Yes, go. [Cries out.] Why are you going? Wait--no, go!! Oh, how angry I am! Don't come too near, don't come too near--er--come--nonearer.SMIRNOV: [Approaching her.] How angry I am with myself! Fall in love like a schoolboy, throw myself on my knees. I've got a chill! [Strongly.] I loveyou. This is fine--all I needed was to fall in love. To-morrow I have to pay my interest, the hay harvest has begun, and then you appear! [He takesher in his arms.] I can never forgive myself.MRS. POPOV: Go away! Take your hands off me! I hate you--you--this is--[A long kiss. Enter LUKA with an axe, the gardener with a rake, the coachman with a pitchfork, and workmen with poles.]LUKA: [Staring at the pair.] Merciful heavens![A long pause.]MRS. POPOV: [Dropping her eyes.] Tell them in the stable that Tobby isn't to have any oats.

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