dyscalculia by theroyalus

8/11/2019 Dyscalculia by Theroyalus

1/49

DysCaLcu1ia:the social math of multiplicity

Dyscalculia(n):

1. innate difficulty in learning or comprehending mathematics.

2. the erroneous assumption that one always equals one.

3. the ignorance of or resistance to accept multiplicity of self.

Multiplicity(n):

the condition or e!perience of more than one independent self

sharing the same physical "ody as distinct from the multiple

#social sel$es% or different #sides% of a non&multiple or

#singlet.% 'opularied in psychiatry as the condition #ultiple

'ersonality Disorder% (now updated to #Dissociati$e *dentity

Disorder%) there are ne$ertheless many people who e!periencethis state outside of a psychiatric conte!t.

"y theDesired Conste11ation

(if this document seems oddly scaled or proportioned see the about this documentsection in the appendices.)


2/49


3/49

the society of multiples. part one. (onin 4llis)

ou can-t e$en count. *t-s sad. our dyscalculia of personhood

assumes singularity of "eing from counting heads on torsos.

our condition in a society of multiplicity is a constant sourceof confusion. ou constantly mista,e strangers for friends and

are wary around friends lea$ing them wondering if they-$e

said something wrong or if you-re in a strange mood. ou-$e

learned all your life to recognie people "y their faces their

height and weight and shape. 5ow you-re slowly relearning to

recognie people "y their rings and nec,laces their posturetheir tone of $oice their dri$ing ha"its what they put in their

coffee. *t-s all in the small cues.

6o to fit in you e!plore your own multiple nature. Li,e most

people you ha$e your own inner comple!ities. ou name your

feeling of familial understanding when you feel li,e your

mother-s child. ou name the wild carefree spirit you carrywithin you when you go out to the clu"s. ou name the dar,

"rooding side of yourself that sometimes /ust wants to a$oid

people and sit alone with a "oo,. ou carry distinct sets of

/ewellery su"di$ide your wardro"e.

0ut they /ust loo, at you strangely. *nside they ,now it-s all/ust you. ne person many facets. Li,e each of them within

their groups "ut alone "etween your ears. ou start to get the

sense that they pity you. +here$er you go you are always

alone.


4/49

excerpt fromMultiples(o"ert 6il$er"erg)

"It bothers me that you aren't real, Judy."

She caught her breath. "What the hell do you mean by that?"

"You know what I mean," he said quietly, sadly. "Don't try to pretend any

longer. There's no point in it."

It was like a jolt in the ribs. She turned away and was silent a long while,

wondering what to say. Just when everything was going so well, just when

she was beginning to believe she had carried off the masquerade

successfully.

"So you know?" she asked timidly.

"Of course I know. I knew right away."

She was trembling. "How could you tell?"

"A thousand ways. When we switch, we change. The voice. The eyes. The

muscular tensions. The grammatical habits. The brain waves, even. An

evoked-potential test shows it. Flash a light in my eyes and I'll give off a

certain brain-wave pattern, and Ned will give off another, and Chuck stillanother. You and Lisa and Cleo and Vixen would all be the same. Multiples

aren't actors, Judy. Multiples are separate minds within the same brain.

That's a matter of scientific fact. You were just acting. You were doing it very

well, but you couldn't possibly have fooled me."

(for the rest of the story see:

http:77astraeaswe".net7plural7multiples&sil$er"erg.html)
http://astraeasweb.net/plural/multiples-silverberg.htmlhttp://astraeasweb.net/plural/multiples-silverberg.html


5/49

size six shoes(8effrey 8aco" 4llis)

it was time * wore sie si! shoes

"ac, from school

and "arefoot to schoolo$er and o$er

and clim"ed trees li,e i ne$er did

and could not do again

and "e a child

who ne$er was

with rays of sun heating the layers and layersof s,in on his face his eyes

clenched shut against

its e$erywhere

&ness

and

hurting

&ness

i would ha$e put my feet "arefoot again in my own feet

on the long wet grass of the dewy lawn

and run in circles li,e you did

until i fell o$er

until i feel it

all o$er

me

could you share your toys with me

when we were children

again now

"uilding spaceships from legosas our only possi"le

means of escape from that place.

we hung our feet o$er the edge

of the dry wooden dec, again

into an ocean of soft long lea$es


6/49

and lady"ugs

ru""ed our little hands on the smooth

surface of the weeping "irch

until they glowed white

and we sat down

and wept

with

it

(self portrait sketch by athan, with lessons from !onin)


7/49

discovery. (*an 5ight)

ne of the common o"/ections to the idea of multiplicity is

incredulity that someone could "e multiple and not ,now it. *n some

rare cases *-$e heard of groups who claim that they-$e always,nown. *n most cases there is a main fronter who e!periences

"lac,outs of the time the others spend on front or in cases where

there is shared memory they shrug off the strange e!periences

"ecause multiplicity seeming so rare and e!otic doesn-t e$en

occur to them as an e!planation.

*n my case it-s complicated. 0efore the realiation came * always,new * had a $ery strange sense of time and memory. 9or myself

memories were generally without a sense of personal conte!t. *

,new that certain e$ents had happened to me "ut there was no

real sense that * was there for them. ecalling #real life% was on the

same le$el as recalling a mo$ie * was distanced from it. *n this

conte!t * e!perienced what could "e called "lac,outs "ut * use the

term #greyout.% ;here-s no sharply&defined sense of "eing in oneplace and then "eing somewhere else the edges are always fuy

and since the memories on either side of the "lac,out didn-t seem

real anyways the missing sections didn-t seem to matter.

ccasionally though someone would comment on something from

the missing time and * would feel lost. * was descri"ed as acting or

"eha$ing in ways that seem alien to me. * would deny ha$ing said

things others were sure they-d heard. * would often choc, it up tomy diagnosed "ipolar disorder which can cause people to act in

$ery different ways at different times. 0ipolar is also thought to

affect memory. * ha$e a lot of trou"le remem"ering the past and

most of my childhood and adolescence are lost from me. 5ow *-m

not e$en sure * e!isted "efore a"out 2


8/49

and near&realiation. *t was around 2


9/49

a"out multiples who didn-t identify as the mainstream pathological

model. * read a"out things li,e co&running and co&fronting. =nd 8on

Day said #oh. ;hat-s /ust li,e us.%

=nd then there was that moment& one of those rare moments when

you ,now that your life has /ust changed irre$oca"ly and

permanently& and * found myself sitting ne!t to 8on Day and fullyconsciously realiing for the first time that this wasn-t another side

of myself. ;his was a fully independent other self.

+e disco$ered o$er the ne!t few months how it all wor,ed. ost of

the time we operated on a le$el where we o$erlapped almost

completely. Descri"ing it is difficult. *t-s a mode of "eing that-s so

entirely interconnected that we were for practical purposes oneentity. 0ut at any time either of us could ta,e o$er completely

while the other watched or simply left into a sort of sleep. *t was

this interconnectedness this fuiness that had ,ept either of us

from seeing the truth. 5ow recogniing each other as 8on Day and

8on 5ight we were free to e!plore our differences and similarities.

n most things we had the same tastes attitudes and "eliefs. ur

outloo,s were different in some important ways. Day is morepositi$e spiritual impulsi$e and understanding. *-m more

deli"erate serious reflecti$e and sceptical. ;o a$oid confusion

"etween oursel$es and the original 8on we too, on the names *an

5ight and 5athan Day.

+hen operating interconnected we wondered at one point #what

do we call ourself now@ ;his com"ined self@% and the answer wasquic,ly o"$ious. 4$en though we were capa"le of this complete

o$erlap underneath it all we were still two distinct people. ;here

wasn-t really any #com"ined self% we were simply operating with

complete co&operation as con/oined twins do.

6oon after we started to disco$er the others and the question of

whether we were median or multiple was answered. ;he others didnot operate in shared space when they too, o$er they too, o$er

entirely. ;hey couldn-t operate in the same fuiness that Day and *

did. 9or me "ecoming aware of the others was sometimes

fascinating and sometimes terrifying. 9rom time to time * would

deny that the whole thing was real and 5athan would patiently and

carefully coa! me "ac, into dealing with it. +ithout him * would


10/49

pro"a"ly still "e in denial now. 0ut as foreign as the others seemed

* couldn-t deny 5athan. Ae was so immanent and so familiar and

undenia"ly distinct. Ae helped me cope. Ae helped me ma,e peace

with it all.

*n a short period of time he and * disco$ered that we had feelings

for each other "oth romantic and erotic. *t had "een there all along"ut without a conte!t to understand it it couldn-t really go

anywhere. 0ut now we "egan to fall in lo$e. +e cuddled ,issed

made lo$e. +e held hands in pu"lic& not "ody-s&left&hand holding

"ody-s&right&hand "ut a su"/ecti$e sense of "eing two "odies

wal,ing ne!t to each other hand in hand. *t felt amaing. =s a gay

man wal,ing hand&in&hand in pu"lic is not /ust a display of affection

"ut necessarily a political protest and a ris,. 9or the first time *

,new what it felt li,e for heterose!uals for their outward displays of

lo$e to "e uncharged with any contro$ersial political weight or ris,

of personal harm.

+e li$ed in secret as a gay couple. +e dated polyamorously

without our dates ,nowing that there were two of us there. +e

would compare notes did you thin, he was a good ,isser@ Doesn-the ha$e a se!y "eard@

$er time we spent less and less time in our com"ined state. ur

fullest e!pressions of romance came "est when "oth of us were

present "ut separate. +e would only com"ine for the no$elty of it

no longer "urdened "y ha$ing to hide from each other. +e "ecame

more different o$er time too as we had the chance to e!ploreoursel$es independently.

=nd then things started to change. * don-t really ,now what caused

it. onin who until then had "een the #other% who fronted most

(a"out B of the time) "egan to front more often. +e encouraged

this. ears of "eing cooped up in hiding had ta,en their toll on him

and finally recogniing him and letting him "e free to act on his ownwas therapeutic for "oth him and myself. Ae "egan to ma,e

decisions for the group a"out finances and lifestyle. $er the course

of a few months he "egan fronting more than B


11/49

less interested in the front.

=t a"out the same time onin officially "ecame the new main front

5athan disappeared completely. Ae-s still around of course in a

coma&li,e state waiting for his ne!t time to "e on front.

*-$e ne$er missed anyone. +ith my memory pro"lems anddisconnected sense of time not seeing someone for a year feels the

same as not seeing them for fi$e minutes. * rarely thin, a"out

people who aren-t physically around.

0ut * miss 5athan.


12/49

THE PROOF(onin 4llis)

+hen *an and 5athan had freshly disco$ered their multiplicitythey were "ewildered and scared. ;hey turned to the onlinemultiple communities see,ing answers and support.

6omeone whimsically suggested comfort food namelychocolate pudding.

* ate their pudding as a practical /o,e and left a note saying;A4 '9 *6 *5 ;A4 '?DD*5 06.

* scrawled it in "ig e!aggerated letters "ecause * ,new that*an would see that our handwriting is the same and chal, it up

to proof that he-s not actually multiple. 5e$ermind that * ateall of his pudding.

+hy should my handwriting "e different anyways@ 6hould *start from scratch and teach this "rain how to write all o$eragain so that * can ha$e my own handwriting@ +hy when it-salready there@

Later he wor,ed up the courage to go through his old /ournalsand note"oo,s and found at least three completely distinctauthors shown "y different handwriting.

5ot that it matters. 6ometimes there is no proof that will e$er"e proof enough.


13/49


14/49

ournal entry !"pril #$% #&&'((*an 5ight)

,ay fol,s *E$e got to le$el with you. *E$e got to nip this whole thing

in the "ud. * donEt ,now whatEs "een inspiring the histrionics lately

"ut this isnEt for real. * ha$enEt led anyone on intentionally *E$e /ust

"een really confused lately. * am not multiple /ust caught in some

self&perpetuating delusion and ha$ing periods of disassociation. 5otthe same thing and itEs time * made the distinctions clear for

myself.

;han, you for all the support. * apologie for unintentionally

misleading e$eryone. y heart goes out to those of you who

actually struggle with this pro"lem.

ournal entry !October #)% #&&'((5athan Day)

+ell today it happened. ;oday was my appointment with the

psychiatrist who as,ed a lot of questions and made a lot of notes. *

told him our story as "est as * could piece it together and what life

is li,e for us. =t the end he seemed fairly confident in gi$ing us theDissociati$e *dentity Disorder as a second diagnosis to the 0ipolar

and agreed that the 0ipolar was most li,ely the cause.

* feel pretty good a"out this. * donEt agree with how the psychiatric

community loo,s at multiplicity "ut * thin, theyE$e got some of it

right at least as far as D*D goes. * also thin, theyEre failing to see

that D*D is not the only form of multiplicity. *t seems to "e the "estfit for us though. ;his doctor seemed to "e fairly foward&thin,ing

though. Ae called the old form of integration&centred therapy a

EfantasyE (without dismissing it outright) which * agreed with. (*

"elie$e that integration to some degree is possi"le and e$en

desira"le for some "ut not for us.) Ae suggested continuing to get

to ,now all of the other mem"ers and learn to wor, co&operati$ely.

Came out to an old friend last night. Ae was $ery recepti$e and

respectful. * was worried "ecause heEs ,ind of a sceptic "ut it

turned out alright.


15/49

*th chance(=lice)

;hat is not the way that things went down at all.

;hat was not the answer. 5ot your call.

*Em in your "ed wearing your hat again8ust wishing that it would rain.

8ust wishing * could let go of you. Let go of the all of the all of

you.

;urn out all of your poc,ets and sell your pants.

0o! all of your "oo,s. 6et fire to the "ones of the "ones ofyou.

0lame it all on second third and se$enth chance.

0ut thereEs no room for these mista,es.

;hat was not for you to say. 5ot for you to ta,e.

*Em writing in your /ournal again8ust wishing * could feel pain.

=nd *Em wishing * could hate you. Aate the all in the all of you.

;urn up in your lowest of nightmares to assist

=ll of the demons who set fire to the "ones of the "ones of

you.

0lame it all on punches that "lame it all on fists.


16/49

The society of multiples. part two. (onin 4llis)

*n a society of multiples you find little in the entertainment

media to identify with. 'lots are con$oluted and relationships

"etween characters comple! and nuanced. 'acing is often

"iarre due to multiples- strange and $aried sense of time.

6cenes cut forward wee,s or months without e!planation.

6inglets appear rarely and are usually flat stoc, characters

often portrayed as psychotic dangerous pitia"le or

deranged. ou feel deeply uneasy whene$er you see this sort

of portrayal. *s this how they $iew you@ 5o wonder they a$oid

you when they find out you-re a singlet. 5o wonder they ,eep

you away from their children.

ou /oin a clu" for singlets they ,eep their meetings on the

down&low. 5o"ody is really sure how many there are in this

city "ecause most ,eep to themsel$es and stay in the closet.=ttendance is spotty. 4$entually you go to the meetups less

and less as you realie that you don-t really ha$e anything in

common with the others there "esides your singular nature.

ou feel a little /ealous of the multiples and their adapti$e

nature their a"ility to find common interests "etween $arious

mem"ers of different systems.

ou e$entually gi$e up on the idea of dating and li$e a $ery

limited social life. 'eople are sometimes $ery uncomforta"le

when they learn a"out you. ;he few that accept you still don-t

seem to really #get it.%

=t times hopelessness sets in. 6ometimes you wish for glue

to hold you together sometimes for scissors to ta,e you

apart.


17/49

mineField+part one. (onin 4llis)

* could lose another B< pounds. Chemical straighten and dye

my hair. 6ha$e off all my chest hair. 'ut "rown contacts in my

eyes. et rid of the "eard. 4$en get plastic surgery to narrow

my face change my nose. *t wouldn-t matter. 4$en after the

most e!treme measures * would still loo, in the mirror and

feel disgust and alienation. *-ll still "e o$er si! feet tall and

thirty years old and not me.

*t-s not my hair *-m messing with not my chest *-m sha$ing.

;his is not my "ody no matter how much * treat it li,e a

mannequin and dress it up in my clothes.

*-$e always felt an empathy with transgendered people no *

can-t say * ,now what it-s li,e to "e you "ut when * hear your

stories * feel an understanding.

Transhumanism: the futurist "elief7theory7hope that one day

our technology will allow us to modify our "odies and minds to

any e!tent we please or e$en lea$e them for machine "odies

or simply e!ist as pure thought.

* am a transhumanist "ecause it-s my only concei$a"le way

out of this flesh cage. * ha$e li$ed as a sardine in a can my

entire life and * often wonder what it-s li,e to swim free and

alone.

one 0ody two =rms F two Legs F two 4yes F one outh F

two 4ars F one 5a$el F ten 9ingers nothing that "elongs to

me.


18/49

reactions(onin 4llis)

+e ha$e "een fetishied distanced cut off a su"/ect of

curiosity a su"/ect of scepticism a su"/ect of derision

depersonalied and sometimes recognied and "efriended.

#ou ha$e to pic, a single name for all of you to use or *refuse to communicate with any of you.%

#y lo$e will cure you.%

#*-m not saying you-re possessed *-m saying you-re

demonied.%

#* thin, that-s amaingG *-m e$en more attracted to you

now.%

#=re you in therapy@%

#* donEt e$er want to "e around you again.%

#* lo$e all of you.% #0ut you ha$en-t met all of us.% #0ut

they-re allyou.%

#;hat-s so coolG Can * meet one of your alters@%


19/49

procedures for silence(8effrey 8aco" 4llis)

there are procedures for silence.

"egin: open all $aria"les for o"ser$ation

close all e!ternalitieswithdraw into each line

line "y line unco$er and unra$el

the meanings of words the nuances of sym"ols

the cases and styles of punctuation.

ignore the man at the door.the hand too close to your face.

the meowing cat the whining dog.

reshape the shapes you see in the dar,

"olt off from sight the light that creeps

"eneath the door.

there is only now and this:

the procedure.

continue silence until the need for silence

ends.


20/49

sub,ective-ob,ective experiences+(onin 4llis)

6u"/ecti$e e!periences:

6ince =pril of 2


21/49

mineField+part two. (onin 4llis)

;here-s $ery little that * actually own. *-m pretty sure * could fit

all of it into a "ac,pac, with room to spare for a lunch. * ha$e:

9our rings two of which are currently in e$eryday use.

(ings are $ery significant in our system each of us is

encouraged to ha$e our own /ewellery to identify us among

those who ,now we-re multiple and for our own sense of self.

wnership of property is an important part of feeling li,e a

person e$en if that idea-s only culturally "ound. 9or some of

us it also ser$es as an anchor in times of stress.)

= "lac, leather wrist"and.

;hree t&shirts.

= "elt with a "elt "uc,le.

= pair of /eans.

= note"oo, which is open to the rest of the group touse.

;hree paintings two of which are currently in progress.

(,ay may"e they wouldn-t fit in the "ac,pac,.)

+ell that-s it for physical items anyways. *f you want to

include attri"utes * also ha$e:= surly disposition.

= strong disli,e distrust and disgust of other people.

Creati$e talent.

6elf&organiation. * "alance the finances for our group.

=n ase!ual orientation.

;hings * do not ha$e:

ther sel$es. * don-t own them they ha$e themsel$es.

*n fact #your other sel$es% is an o!ymoron a self is a self&

owned thing.

;he things in my apartment. *-$e ne$er really felt


22/49

ownership of any of it * sleep in someone else-s "ed use

someone else-s computer eat off someone else-s plates often

wear someone else-s clothes. * usually refer to these things as

#mine% "ut in actuality they "elong either to someone else in

our system or to the system as a whole. ur group owns the

plates in the ,itchen so they might as well "e #mine.%=n e!&hus"and. * was ne$er married. ;he thought of it is

"oth hilarious and disgusting to me as an ase!ual. *

sometimes refer to him as #the e!&hus"and% and rarely #my

e!&hus"and% I * only use this phrase around people who don-t

,now we-re multiple.

'arents. ;han, od what a headache that must "e.= "ody. * a$oid loo,ing in the mirror. +hen * sha$e *

focus only on the part of the chee, *-m sha$ing at the

moment. * ha$e my own self&image 1H years old "lac, hair

"rown eyes scowly. 6eeing someone else-s face in the mirror

is disconcerting.

one 0ody many inds one 0irth Certificate one Dri$er-s

License one 0an, =ccount not enough Aours in a Day

one Life


23/49

Flash.For/ard. (*an 5ight)

*n early 2


24/49

arch se$enteenth. ;o this day they still don-t ,now their son

is multiple.

* wo,e to find that my life was heading down a $ery different

trac, now. * was fifty pounds lighter clean&sha$en my

finances were "alanced to the penny my plans of "ecoming alandscape designer were supplanted "y plans of "ecoming an

artist. * had a dead&end /o" for now in a con$enience store.

=nd my social life helmed "y the ase!ual anti&social onin

was almost completely none!istent.

* hardly recognied myself in the mirror.

Long ago * was sceptical. r pro"a"ly /ust in denial. * dou"ted

that * was multiple that onin really e!isted. * thought it was

/ust some act * was fooling myself with. *t too, me time to

accept that onin was my #alter.%

5ow things ha$e changed. 5ow *-m onin-s alter.


25/49

0once i /as o/ned1(8effrey 8aco" 4llis)

once i was owned "y the things that own me:

the trin,ets of shape and mass

lying on the ,itchen windowsill collecting dust

my collections of

mar"les candles light "ul"s lonely wires "olts

discarded shopping lists of strangers

wants and needs unspecified: i own nothing that

does not own me:

itEs tric,y when

this detritus claims its own pro$iders:

gi$es names to the unnamed who li$e

in shadows crannies drains

fore$er lur,ing in the corners of my i.

feet that sin, into shoes someone else "ought&

hands that refuse all glo$es and draw themsel$es into

the arms of coats i do not own.

i li$e in someone elseEs wa,ing life:

forgi$ing their de"ts erasing

the footprints of their trespassingresol$ing their irresol$a"le past.


26/49

2oh% ,ust li3e in that sho/+++4(onin 4llis)

#h so you-re multiple@ 8ust li,e in

The "nited #tates of Tara. The Three $aces of %&e. #ybil.

'hen !abbit Howls. r. ekyll and *ister Hyde. $ight +lub.The ark Tower. Identity. !aising +ain. *e, *yself Irene.

Heroes. -ne ife to i&e. /0*en@%

#h so you-re singlet@ 8ust li,e in

ightmare on %lm #treet. The 1eople 2ersus arry $lynt. The

3d&entures of Tom #awyer. %!. 3ll 3bout %&e. $rankenstein.esperately #eeking #usan. #uperman. 3ce 2entura, 1et

etecti&e. 3s The 'orld Turns@%


27/49

n. (onin 4llis)

= cle$er friend from another system was once as,ed how many

people were in his group. Ae refused to gi$e a num"er saying

instead that multiples compare group sie li,e /oc,s in a loc,er

room.

Aow many are in our group@ 5o"ody seems to "e entirely sure. *an

after two years of trying to map each of us on a chart and list our

characteristics to organie us quantify us and "y doing so get a

sense of control o$er us& finally ga$e up and when as,ed #how

many@% /ust says #enough.%

* decided against doing a roll call for this ine and getting each of

us to gi$e a little "lur" a"out oursel$es and introduce oursel$es as

though this was some sort of parade or sideshow. ou can see our

names associated with our entries and articles and artwor,s. ;he

things we-$e said shown and done should say more than some

sterile list of names ages genders se!ual orientations li,es anddisli,e. 5ot all of us ha$e contri"uted to this ine "ut itEll gi$e you a

sense of our group. (5ote that materials "orrowed from outside

sources such as 0/Jr, and o"ert 6il$er"erg are in a different

font.)

5athan once suggested to the community of multiples the adoption

of a #multiple pride% sym"ol: the italic letter n in a circle. *nstatistics n represents #an un,nown num"er of people.% ;he circle

represents the single "ody they share.

Aow many people are in our system@ n.


28/49


29/49

the society of multiples. part three. (onin 4llis)

*n a society of multiples there is no warfare. Aow do you ,ill an

enemy who shares a "ody with an ally@ *nstead there is tension

and constant discussion de"ate argument agreement

understanding "ic,ering yelling peacema,ing seduction support.

=nd some of it is silent.

0ut $ery little flattery or deceipt or "ac,sta""ing or gossip& withinsystems anyways. Aow can you "e disingenuous to someone who

might hear your thoughts or see the things you do@


30/49

only the ori5inal counts(5athan Day)

#+ell youEre not really...

...gay

...straight ..."ise!ual ...ase!ual

...omnise!ual

...a woman ...a man ...a "oy ...a girl

...eighteen ...twenty&nine ...twel$e

...forty ...fifty&se$en

...BEH ...KEK ...BE> ...KE1

..."rown&eyed ...green&eyed

...e!tro$erted ...misanthropic ...cheery ...antisocial

...transgendered ...hispanic ...genderqueer

..."londe ...redheaded ..."lac,&haired

...autistic ...atheist

...catholic

...pagan ...angry

...upset

...disinterested

...in lo$e

...my friend

..."ecause only the original counts.%

(...or may"e you /ust canEt count past one.)


31/49

mineField+part three. (onin 4llis)

6o much of con$ersation re$ol$es around #;his one time *...%

'ersonal e!perience dictates our opinions and $iew of the

world. *t-s offered up as e$idence shared as humour gi$en as

insight into oursel$es.

0ut 4nglish for all of its a"surdly large $oca"ulary is sadly

lac,ing in e$en the most e$eryday pronouns: no gender

neutral third&person singular (he7she7@) and no separate

second&person singular and plural (you7you). 9or me li$ing ina system where shared memory is muddy and it-s possi"le to

remem"er something without ha$ing e!perienced it (or not

remem"er something you e!perienced firsthand) * find myself

lac,ing se$eral important pronouns. Aow do * start a story that

* remem"er clearly "ut didn-t e!perience@ *-$e muddled

around with it. #;his one time we...% sounds odd as if * wasalso personally there or as if * was there with a group of

(physical) people. #;his one time my headmate *an...% is

wordy and what happens if * don-t ,now who the e!perience

happened to@ ;he memory might "e $ery rele$ant or

poignant in the con$ersation and * might want to share it "ut

* might "e forced to not share it for reasons of inadequatelanguage to e!press myself truthfully.

=round those who don-t ,now *-m multiple of course * always

refer to the group in first&person singular. #;his one time *...%

e$en though it-s not correct and *-m stealing someone else-s

e!periences. *t-s not actually mine.


32/49

6these are my split6(8effrey 8aco" 4llis)

these are my split

personality rules:

no "ic,ering. falls followpride folly is the de$ilEs

playmate lo$e "efore war

peace "efore suffering.

only fools rush into

these sorts of things without licences.

sometimes you awa,en tocon$ersations and things

happening: you ha$e to

e!plain

that life is sleepwal,ing: only moments "efore

e$erything was "lan,:

you are "ehind the wheel

"ut do not ,now where you

are dri$ing. you ma,e these sorts of things

up as you go:

the past is a fiction some"ody else wrote as "iography

&ne$er auto"iography.


33/49

ident7ty theft. (onin 4llis)

*t-s all fine to call yourself a person and declare yourself a free

moral agent. 0ut isn-t it /ust a philosophical e!ercise@ ;he

country * li$e in currently has a history of some of the most

li"eral and progressi$e human rights in the world women-s

suffrage equal rights for all races and creeds the right to

practice one-s culture low censorship freedom of religion

representation in court the right to peaceful demonstration

and free association. ;hese rights in practice aren-t a"solute

"ut they impro$e and e$ol$e all the time.

0ut in an important way& at least an important way to me&

they-re $ery hea$ily "iased. ;hey-re all human rights not

person-s rights. ;hey-re first&person&"ody rights.

* ha$e no means of o"taining a "irth certificate dri$er-slicense social insurance num"er "an, account

representation in court copyright trademar, "usiness

license or marriage certificate. =nd when * mention these

things singlets sometimes remar, #"ut you ha$e all these

things already.% 8ust as many argued for the longest time that

homose!uals ha$e always had the right to marry& so long asthey marry someone of the opposite se!. es in practice * can

use 8on-s paraphernalia of personhood as necessary and as

the main front * ha$e "een gi$en the responsi"ility to do so. *

hold a /o" under his name * rent an apartment and pay "ills

under his name. *n an election it is my choice to cast a $ote.

*t-s not li,e he can ha$e me charged for identity theft& youcan-t charge a person who doesn-t e!ist. 4$en if you could

how could * "e fined or sent to /ail without punishing the

innocent $ictims who are other mem"ers of our system@ *n

practice the idea of e!tending legal personhood to indi$iduals

in a multiple system falls apart. ur entire system of human

rights is dependent on the idea that one "ody is one person.


34/49

=nd li,e it or not there-s no way to pro$e that you are

multiple. 6ome people would lie to use that e!tension of rights

to cheat the system. *magine if each ident had the right to

$ote@ Legally esta"lishing oneself as a system of thousands

would "e an easy way to stuff a "allot.

;here is no real solution. ;hat is one of the reasons why this

ine is pu"lished without copyright none of us e!cept 8on

can legally claim copyright on it anyways. *-d rather thum" my

nose to the system that has ne$er heard of me than sign my

rights away to someone * "arely ,now. 0esides *-m not a "ig

fan of the copyright system anyways. *-m not writing for profit.*-m writing to "e heard. Copy away. 6pread the word.

* ha$e one right that singlets do not ha$e. * am a person with

the right to legal nonpersonhood my e!istence moc,s the

system from the shadows in ways that they can not. * ha$e no

indi$idual right to $ote "ut also no indi$idual responsi"ility to

$ote.

0esides: who needs a "irth certificate if you were ne$er "orn@

(next page4 !onin5s 6certificate of nonbirth,7 by Ian)


35/49


36/49


37/49

the Desired 8onstellation. (onin 4llis)

ou can-t hide fore$er and when the time was right a decision

was made to let *an and 5athan ,now that they weren-t alone.

+e ,new it would "e a difficult time "ut it was hard

sometimes to "e patient.

*an is the sort of guy who feels that if he can systematie and

analye something he has control o$er it. ?na"le to ma,e the

rest of us go away he instead "ecame o"sessed with mapping

and charting us all.

5athan e!asperated put on some gentle music.

*an scrawled away on a note"oo, page finding connections

and drawing lines "etween names "ased on superficialities

li,e similar names and character traits.

0/or, came on o$er the spea,ers. = song called #Desired

Constellation% which "egins: #*t-s tric,y when you feel that

some"ody has done something on your "ehalf.%

9rustrated he scrawled ?5D46*4D C56;4LL=;*5 acrossthe top of the page.

ently =na too, the pen and crossed out the ?5. #ou-$e

missed the point. ;his isn-t a "urden or a disease. ;his is the

cure. +e-re all of the right pieces in all of the right places. +e

would all "e nowhere without each other whether you ,newthat or not.%

*t was unanimous we too, the group name Desired

Constellation.


38/49

the Desired 8onstellation. (lyrics "y 0/Jr,)

It's tricky when you feel someone has done something on your behalf

It's slippery when your sense of justice murmurs underneath and is asking you,How am I going to make it right?

How am I going to make it right?

With a palm full of stars

I throw them like dice, repeatedly

On the table, repeatedly

I shake them like dice

And throw them on the table, repeatedly

Until the desired constellation appears.




And did you hear, how am I going to make it right?


39/49

9hat do you /ant from us:(=nna"elle&Lee #=na% Minder)

ost people when faced with multiplicity for the first time

donEt really ,now what to thin,. ;hereEs not much to go on.

6ociety hasnEt really weighed in on what it thin,s of us. *n that

$acuum itEs always puling7frustrating7amusing7worrying to

watch people try to sort it out in their head. ;hey fum"le

around for a "it grasp at straws and then start as,ing

questions:

N*s one of you a serial ,iller@N

N=re they all li,e you@N

N=re there li,e anyy5know chic,s in there@N

N+hich one is the gay7straight7e!tro$erted7tidy7any7spoo,y7goth7emo one@N

N*s it difficult li$ing li,e this@N

N+hich one are you@ Aa$e * met any of the others@N

N=re you dangerous@N

N+ere you molested as a child@N

=ll shots in the dar, all the wrong questions. *an is pretty

patient and good at gi$ing answers to these sorts of things.

=nd then once their mor"id curiosity is sated (and they still

,now almost nothing a"out multiplicity or a"out us) some

people start to get to the point:

N*Em not really sure how to react to all of this. +hat do you

want from me@N


40/49

5ow thatEs a good question. +hat do * want from you@ * thin,

the first thing * want is for you to see me. * donEt ta,e the front

$ery often "ecause "eing seen as a tall masculine man is

difficult for me to handle. * donEt loo, in mirrors. * spea,

quietly "ecause itEs hard to handle the sound of this $oice. *

cringe at "eing called "y our legal male first name.

+hat * want from you is to to see me instead of loo,ing at me.

;o ac,nowledge that *Em a woman e$en though due to my

circumstances * ha$e no recourse to transition and appear as

one on the outside. ;o see me as a sensiti$e "ut determined

soul. ;o laugh with me at the "lind folly of the humancondition. ;o yell with me in frustration at the ignorance of

people. ;o cry with me at the heart"rea, of it.

0ut that first step the telling is so hard and the second step

answering your stupid questions is so maddening and as,ing

you to see "eyond this e!terior is li,e as,ing you swim an

ocean to a foreign land. 6o you wonEt laugh with me or yell

with me or cry with me. *Em stuc, here on this other shore

waiting.

+hat do we want from you@ * donEt e$en ,now if * ,now how to

as,. *tEs far too much.


41/49

one 0ody F one +all F one 9all

not enough Aorses F not enough en

one piece of 4ggshell F one piece of 4ggshell F

many more pieces of 4ggshell

one "as,et of 4ggs

one floc, of 0irds

O

*ntegrationP

co&peration


42/49

appendices


43/49

;lossary(onin 4llis)

The following glossary mostly describes the words used by

multiples themsel&es to describe their own experiences, and

is drawn from communities of multiples. 3lso included are

words we&e coined to express our own experiences and

terms used in psychiatric literature.

#inglet: a person residing alone in their "ody.

*ultiple: more than one identsharing a single "ody. efers to

separate self&aware entities rather than pseudonyms

characters or personality facets. = group of idents sharing a

"ody are referred to as a groupor system. #ystemmay also

refer to not /ust the group of idents "ut the way they organie

and e!perience themsel$es as a group sometimes ,nown

tongue&in&chee, as their operating system or -#. Li,e any

group or organiation systems often ta,e on a group name.urs is the esired +onstellation.

Ident: a term coined "y *an of our group. *t refers to any

entity which percei$es itself as a separate antonymous

person regardless of the conte!t in which it e!ists. 9or

e!ample: a singlet is a "ody with one ident a multiple is a"ody with se$eral idents an artificial intelligence is an ident

residing within a computer. *dents are usually comple! and

multi&faceted ha$ing different moods and different sides to

their personality. ;he term is meant to "e less dehumaniing

than the psychiatric term alter which only applies to multiples

and insinuates a one&sided stoc, character. *n multiples

idents often ha$e names personalities and characteristics

not in line with the "ody they reside in. *dents generally $iew

themsel$es as distinct persons e$en when fully aware that

they share a "ody.

I8*1: stands for issociati&e Identity isorder pre$iously

,nown as *ultiple 1ersonality isorder. ultiples are thought


44/49

to ha$e "een studied "y science and medicine since ancient

reece "ut it wasn-t until the twentieth century that early

psychiatry (influenced "y "oth 9reud and 8anet) decided that

trauma was the cause of multiplicity and not until 1Q>3 (with

the pu"lication of #ibyl,a fictionalied "iography of a patient

with 'D) that se!ual a"use was specifically targeted as thecause. 5ot all multiples identify as ha$ing D*D. =mong

multiples groups with D*D are often referred to as trauma

multiples.

$ront: the ident currently in control of the "ody is referred to

as "eing on front or fronting. ay also refer to the ident who

is most commonly on front usually called the main front.

;hose who are not in the front may e!perience no passage of

time and ha$e no memory of e$ents or may remem"er

e$ents they didn-t personally e!perience from a disconnected

perspecti$e.

+o0fronting: the e!perience of more than one ident "eing incontrol of the "ody simultaneously. 6imilar to co0

consciousness, i.e. one ident "eing in control while others are

awa,e and conscious of the e!perience. +hile co&fronting or

co&conscious idents can communicate pool resources share

control and deli"erate on decisions together.

9lurring: co&conscious idents e!periencing an o$erlap of

consciousness temporarily e!periencing themsel$es as /oined

or e$en as one consciousness while "eing aware of

themsel$es as distinct indi$iduals underneath.

Headmate: a word descri"ing the relationship "etween

different idents li$ing in the same "ody analogous toroommate.

issociation: in psychiatry refers to two or more cogniti$e

processes operating in parallel "ut lac,ing connecti$eness.

9or e!ample someone e!periencing dissociation may see an

image that would normally cause a distinct emotional


45/49

response "ut feel nothing. ;hey may feel disconnected from

the world around them ha$e difficulties with concentration or

memory or feel that they are lac,ing in personality or

identity. Dissociation usually occurs in episodes and affects

most people from time to time usually only mildly and in

short duration. *t is a symptom of many se$eral mentalillnesses such as depression. =ccording to the trauma model

(D*D) se$ere trauma causes an indi$idual to dissociate so

hea$ily that their core personality "egins to fracture. =s an

escape mechanism new identities form to e!perience the

trauma so that the core doesn-t ha$e to.

yscalculia: analogous to dysle!ia dyscalculia is a disa"ility

affecting one-s a"ility to wor, with num"ers.

Healthy *ultiplicity: a term used "y non&trauma multiples and

multiples who ha$e wor,ed through the trauma "ut ha$e

chosen against integration(a psychiatric term referring to the

/oining together of the alters to return a patient to "eingsingular). = healthy multiple is a group who does not

e!perience their multiplicity as a disorder "ut has decided to

li$e together co&operati$ely.

:ou: one of the most frustrating words for multiples and those

who ,now them. 9or a language with such a ridiculously

"loated le!icon 4nglish is em"arrassingly short on pronouns.

;here is no gender&neutral third&person singular for people

(he she it@) and no distinction "etween second&person

singular and plural pronouns (you you). 9riends of multiples

often resort to clumsy constructions li,e #yous% and #you&all%

to clarify whether they-re referring to an ident or the whole

system. Constructing a possessi$e second&person plural ise$en worse: #yous-s@% #yours&all@% #you&alls-s@% #*s that your

t&shirt or yous-s t&shirt@% #*s that your opinion or yours&all

opinion@% =t least #yourself% gracefully ad/usts itself to

#yoursel$es.%


46/49

Further readin5(onin 4llis)

ines

The ;angs 3ll Hereedited "y Loony&0rain (contri"utions "y se$eral

systems)

$T*1"y ogan Lee (a great read "y a multiple transman)("oth hosted at

http:77healthymultiplicity.com7loony"rain7RinesAome.html)

"oo,s

'hen !abbit Howls"y the ;roops for ;ruddi Chase (a D*D

auto"iography "ut also an inspiration to many healthy multiples)

short stories

*ultiples"y o"ert 6il$er"erg (hosted at

http:77astraeaswe".net7plural7multiples&sil$er"erg.html)

we"comics

;emini 'ebcomic"y the Ryfron 6ystem

(http:77healthymultiplicity.com7Ryfron7emini7)

we"sites

Aealthyultiplicity.com(http:77www.Aealthyultiplicity.com) (an index of sites about functional

multiplicity)

=straea-s +e"

(http:77www.astraeaswe".net7plural7)(great for perspecti&es from a

wider range of multiples whose experiences are different from ours)

Li$e8ournal ultiplicity community

(http:77community.li$e/ournal.com7multiplicity7)(the main gathering

place on the internet for multiples and sympathetic singlets)

awesomeastrid-s ou;u"e channel

(http:77www.youtu"e.com7user7awesomeastrid)(a great resource by

the *osaic ;ang)
http://healthymultiplicity.com/loonybrain/ZinesHome.htmlhttp://astraeasweb.net/plural/multiples-silverberg.htmlhttp://healthymultiplicity.com/Zyfron/Gemini/http://www.healthymultiplicity.com/http://www.astraeasweb.net/plural/http://community.livejournal.com/multiplicity/http://www.youtube.com/user/awesomeastridhttp://healthymultiplicity.com/loonybrain/ZinesHome.htmlhttp://www.astraeasweb.net/plural/http://community.livejournal.com/multiplicity/http://www.youtube.com/user/awesomeastridhttp://www.healthymultiplicity.com/http://astraeasweb.net/plural/multiples-silverberg.htmlhttp://healthymultiplicity.com/Zyfron/Gemini/


47/49

about this document+(5athan Day)

;his document is in .pdf format and is scaled and formatted

to "e easily reada"le on an e&"oo, reader or printed in half&

page "oo,let format. *f you are $iewing this on a computeryou might want to ad/ust the settings from #9it to 'age% to

1


48/49

were reprogramma"le.% +hich is really mor"id as * descri"e it

"ut the doodle is pretty cute.

2mineField+ part t/o+4contains an image of the scrawled

words #* = 5; ? 4=L 65.%

2oh% ,ust li3e in that sho/+++4contains a doodle of a

deadfish innocently loo,ing upwards saying #* ha$eantennae@% (Ae does.)

2n+4is followed "y the multiplicity sym"ol onin descri"ed.

Ronin6s 8ertificate of th of arch 1QQB C.4.

(at the age of fifteen)

;his certificate of non&"irth not recognied "y any

go$erning "ody e!cept the

D46*4D C56;4LL=;*5

(signature) 8ade oslyn 'res.

2the society of sin5lets+4contains a doodle of a deadfish

loo,ing ner$ously down at a happy little dog wagging its tail.

;he deadfish is holding a "one and saying #i can ma,e you do

whate$er i want (i thin,).%

2contact4information in the appendi! (after this page)

contains an image of the Desired Constellation logo a fi$e&

pointed asteri! o$erlapped "y a circle.

;he deadfish are little critters *an originally designed for a

we"comic called #ou Aa$e ;o o ;hrough = Lot f Dead 9ish

;o 9ind = +arm odent.% ;he we"comic ne$er aired "ut *an

onin and * still occasionally ma,e these doodles.


49/49

5ratitude(*an 5ight)

+e owe our than,s to the following people and groups who

pro$ided resources and inspiration to ma,e this ine possi"le:

Men =straea olly Charlie S Co. 8en the osaics the L8

ultiplicity community and to anyone who reads hosts copies

quotes or in any way shares this wor,.

contact(*an 5ight)

;o contact the Desired Constellation email us at

dconstellationTgmail.com. 4mail us for any ridiculous or serious

reason you see fit.
mailto:[email protected]:[email protected]

dyscalculia by theroyalus

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