dying to forget book 1 of the station series

8/11/2019 Dying to Forget Book 1 of the Station Series

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Dying to ForgetThe Station - Volume 1

By Trish Marie Dawson


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Text copyright 2012 Trish Marie Dawson

All Rights Reserved. No part o this !oo" #ay !e reprod$ced or trans#itted in any or# or !yany #eans witho$t prior per#ission o the a$thor.

Smashwords Edition

Than" yo$ or downloading this ree e%oo". Altho$gh this is a ree !oo"& it re#ains thecopyrighted property o the a$thor& and #ay not !e reprod$ced& copied and distri!$ted or

co##ercial or non'co##ercial p$rposes. ( yo$ en)oyed the !oo"& please enco$rage yo$r riends todownload their own copy& where they can discover other wor"s !y this a$thor.

Than" yo$ or yo$r s$pport.


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For Teresa.Though you left us too soon, you will always be lo ed and ne er forgotten.

!our oi"e is always inside my head.

#nd for my family$ Shane, %ory and Fo&&'you are my lo es.


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TA%*+ o ,-NT+NT

PrologueChapter 1Chapter 2Chapter 3Chapter 4Chapter 5Chapter 6Chapter 7Chapter 8Chapter 9Chapter 10Chapter 11Chapter 12Chapter 13Chapter 14Chapter 15Chapter 16Chapter 17Chapter 18Chapter 19Chapter 20AcknowledgementsA out the Author !ooks and Colla orat"ons


5/82

/R-*- +

#Come on P"per$ "t%s &ustone dr"nk' (omorrow%s )our "rthda)$ a*ter all'+#,ka)$ &ust one'+#(hat%s a good g"rl'+-)an nu..les h"s mouth aga"nst m) neck and e/er)th"ng "ns"de me melts' peek up at h"m through m)

curled lashes and see h"s r"ght lue e)es ga."ng "nto m"ne' (he mus"c "s lar"ng around us "t%s loudconcert loud$ ut don%t m"nd' (he most gorgeous gu) "n the room "s talk"ng to me' ot to the per*ectcheerleader g"rls decorat"ng the packed room w"th the"r short sk"rts and t"ght tops and r"d"culousl) per*ectha"r' Me. g"/e h"m a hes"tant sm"le and he w"nks' can%t help the g"rl"sh g"ggle that escapes *rom m)mouth and *eel m) cheeks heat up'

dr"nk *rom the red plast"c cup he *"rml) pushed "nto m) hands$ e/en though don%t l"ke the taste o*the "tter eer' ormall) on a r"da) n"ght d e at home read"ng or watch"ng ohnn) epp mo/"es$ utton"ght was d"**erent' had a date an actual date' As he pulls gentl) on m) *"ngers$ *ollow h"m throughthe crowd o* cele rat"ng sen"ors$ wea/"ng "n and out o* the &ocks and prepp) g"rls all "n /ar"ous stages o*drunkenness' watch -)an%s ack as he walks grace*ull) "n *ront o* me' (he contours o* h"s musclesr"pple del"c"ousl) elow h"s *oot all &erse) as he mo/es around our classmates w"th determ"ned ease' want to reach out and touch h"s ack ut he has one o* m) hands "n h"s and the other "s carr)"ng th"sstup"d plast"c cup$ so &ust stare' arel) not"ce we are go"ng up the steps to the second *loor unt"l wereach the top and m) ga.e "s pulled *rom -)an%s acks"de as he turns down the hallwa)$ st"ll tugg"ng me

eh"nd h"m' Where is he taking me? almost th"nk he heard m) thoughts ecause he turns to look o/er h"s shoulder to sm"le at me' # t%s

u"eter up here'+#,h$ oka)'+ He wants me all to himself! struggle to keep *rom &ump"ng up and down w"th e c"tement

and sm"le sweetl) ack at h"m "nstead' Play it cool, Piper. Jeez.:e pass two closed doors and one that must e the athroom ecause there are se/eral g"rls wa"t"ng

outs"de "t *l"pp"ng the"r long$ sh"n) ha"r across the"r shoulders and glower"ng at me as walk ) w"th the-)an !urke' They re ealous! "f me! ;ometh"ng "ns"de me laughs at them and *"nd "t s not hard to keep

m) sm"le plastered to m) *ace as walk )' take another s"p o* m) eer$ eager to *"n"sh the cup so can put "t down'

(he room he p"cks "s at the end o* the hall and looks l"ke "t m"ght e a guest edroom' ,nce "ns"dew"th the door closed$ he *l"ps on the sw"tch and two eds"de lamps *lood the room w"th a so*t )ellowglow warm"ng the dark lue edspread and cast"ng deep shadows around us' A g"ant m"rror hangs &usta o/e the head oard o* the ueene has large round e)es and long londe lashes thatmatch h"s th"ck ha"r' gulp down the last o* the nast) eer and "gnore the *u..) *eel"ng "n m) head as watch h"s mouth mo/e' >"s l"ps curl up at the edges as he talks and when he laughs$ m) stomach clenchest"ghtl)' % hope he wants to kiss me.

#Are )ou done?+ >e asks'#:hat? ,h$ )es'+


6/82

hand h"m m) empt) cup and he leans across me to put "t onto the small$ wooden eds"de ta le' >esmells o* soap "t%s a /er)$ /er) good smell' :hen he stra"ghtens up$ he gra.es m) knee w"th h"s hand and &ump$ m) heart sk"pp"ng at least a do.en eats' >e gr"ns up at me e*ore lean"ng ack on the ed$

propped up on h"s el ows' A*ter cop) h"s mo/e and rest on m) s"de$ *ac"ng h"m$ th"nk$ now what?#@ou ha/e /er) eaut"*ul e)es$ P"per' can ne/er tell what color the) are green$ or rown$ or lue'

:hat color are the) reall)?+ >"s /o"ce "s l"ke maple s)rup th"ck and sweet' &um.# m ha.el'+ =) /o"ce "s etra)"ng me completel)' t s as "* can t speak louder than a wh"sper w"th

h"s *ace ho/er"ng &ust "nches *rom m"ne';m"l"ng ner/ousl)$ can t help ut chew on the corner o* m) l"p and not"ce that he%s watch"ng m)

mouth$ so /er) slowl) l"ck m) lower l"p w"th the t"p o* m) tongue' >"s e)es dart up to m"ne$ surpr"sed$ th"nk' He '"() want to kiss me! scream *or &o) "ns"de m) head'

A ruptl) he s"ts upr"ght$ startl"ng me' push o** the mattress slowl)$ unsure o* what to e pect' =)head *eels hea/) and the room seems to t"lt wh"le take a deep reath to stead) m)sel*' *an one $eermake you #runk? don%tthink "t can and glance ner/ousl) at m) empt) cup' press m) *"sts to m) e)es$tr)"ng to ru awa) the sleep) sensat"on that *eel eh"nd m) l"ds'

And then h"s mouth "s on m"ne' >"s warm$ wet l"ps push aga"nst me as he pr"es m) mouth open w"thh"s tongue' "h wow, % +e ne+er $een kisse# like this! As close m) e)es$ get lost "n the *eel"ng and tasteo* h"m wh"le he runs h"s hands up m) arms$ then m) neck and "nto m) ha"r' :hen he releases me h"s *ace"s *lushed h"s e)es *ull o* r"ght des"re' % can t $elie+e yan -urke likes me!

:"th trem l"ng *"ngers$ reach up and touch the hard and ch"seled contours o* h"s chest wh"le -)an slarge and strong hands roam o/er m) ent"re od)$ *eel"ng and s uee."ng e/er)th"ng' /e ne/er eentouched l"ke th"s e*ore and m) "ns"des are start"ng to *reak out'

B want )ou$ P"per$B he murmurs "nto m) neck'=) mouth drops open "n surpr"se and e/en though m) ra"n seems to e tell"ng me to &ump and run out

o* the room$ %m una le to mo/e$ stuck *"rml) to the same place on the mattress' :"th m) ner/es on h"ghalert$ glance at the door repeatedl)$ sure that someone w"ll come urst"ng through "t at an) second utthe stead) thump"ng o* the mus"c downsta"rs rem"nds me that no one can hear what "s happen"ng "n th"sroom' o one cares that -)an !urke took me$ o* all people$ "nto a edroom' (hat real".at"on h"ts mesuddenl)' "h. My. o#. What am % #oing here?

This is wrong. don t *eel oka)$ *eel s"ck' =) head "s hurt"ng and reall) want to get up and lea/e'(he room starts to sp"n ut m) ra"n and od) seem to e suddenl) d"sconnected$ so slump ackwardsaga"nst the edspread and stare up at the ce"l"ng' :hen was a k"d$ the ("lt


7/82

don t th"nk ll e/er trust another o) aga"n' =) heart *"lls w"th someth"ng hea/) th"nk "t m"ght ehatred' My first time, this was my first time. How #i# this happen1to me?


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, A/T+R 1

(he w"nd lasts "ts wa) "nto the open w"ndow as we race down the road at reakneck speed' 2ree#om,at last! "gnore the trees that wh". ) on the passenger s"de o* the car and the )ellow stoper l"ght rown ha"r wh"rls around her

*ace and laugh as she races her arms out "n *ront o* her'#,h$ rela %m slow"ng down$+ pout'#Dood$ don%t want to d"e on graduat"on da)$ )ou know'+;he laughs and /"s" l) rela es when rake at the ne t "ntersect"on' :h"le we s"t at the red l"ght lean

m) el ow aga"nst the open w"ndow as !ree launches "nto )et another length) stor) a out her last datew"th her new o)*r"end$ Preston' tr) not to seem too un"nterested as her del"cate hands wa/e the a"r asshe goes on and on a out d"nner and the mo/"e she doesn%t e/en remem er ecause she was too us)mak"ng out w"th Preston "n the last row o* the theater' &uck.

:hen she *"nall) pauses to take a reath$ push the rad"o utton and on comes the croon"ng /o"ce o*!runo =ars' esp"te the compet"t"on to e heard o/er the mus"c$ !ree cont"nues her stor)$ or"ng menearl) to death' "tch a sentm"ndedl) at the andage under m) long slee/ed sh"rt and push hard on theaccelerator when the l"ght turns green$ lurch"ng us *orward' !ree s"ghs and know she%s glar"ng at me ut stare stra"ght ahead$ pretend"ng to care a out the tra**"c as we make our wa) through the "rr"tat"ngl) slowdr"/ers'

#;o$ are )ou com"ng to the part) ton"ght?+ she asks "n a perk) s"ng


9/82

#:h)%d )ou wear that sh"rt *or )our graduat"on? t%s e"ght) degrees out here +#!ree$ %m *"ne$ reall)'+ laugh and pla)*ull) tug at the collar o* her sh"rt' #Are we go"ng "n$ or what?+

ask as Preston s"dles up es"de her and wraps h"s arms around !ree%s t"n) wa"st' s u"rm and tr) not tolook uncom*orta le'

#@ou%re go"ng to skate$ r"ght?+ Preston asks'# m + hes"tate &ust long enough *or !ree to chast"se me'#P"per :"llow$ )ou sa"d )ou would @ou ha/e to +# hg' "ne$ let%s go$ e*ore &ump ack "nto the car and escape'+

EEE

As lean aga"nst the carpeted wall w"th m) sandals on the wooden ench "n *ront o* me$ watchcouple a*ter couple skate around the room$ and the *ew stragglers that wea/e "n and out o* the crowd$hop"ng *or a partner' ,nce we got "ns"de !ree *orgot completel) a out m) prom"se to skate andd"sappeared w"th Preston' saw her tw"rl around the room a *ew t"mes and sm"led at each o* her *r"endl)wa/es$ ut made no mo/e to &o"n them' (h"s wasn%t m) scene$ not an)more'

B:anna skate?B A o) *rom m) Fngl"sh class "nterrupts m) da)dream"ng as he slows to a stop andleans aga"nst the low wall that separates the seat"ng area *rom the skat"ng *loor'

shake m) head a "t too *ast and mum le$ B o$ thanks'B don t other to *eel ad a*ter h"s *ace *alls and he shrugs e*ore skat"ng o** "nto the mass o* happ)

teenagers' ;" months ago would ha/e &umped at the "n/"tat"on' !ut now almost hate o)s' ha/ede/eloped a cold shoulder s"nce what happened w"th -)an' dou t an) gu) w"ll e/er seem attract"/e tome aga"n' ot now that know what the) are reall) capa le o*'

# s th"s seat taken?+;tartled *rom m) thoughts aga"n$ &ump at the sound o* a *am"l"ar /o"ce es"de me and take a deep

reath to calm m)sel* e*ore look"ng up "nto -)an !urke%s sm"l"ng lue e)es' -astar#.#@es'+ pract"call) sp"t the word out'#-eall)$ don%t see an)one around'+>e gestures around me e*ore ra"s"ng h"s e)e row$ as "* challeng"ng me to argue' glare at h"m e*ore

look"ng ack "nto the crowd o* skat"ng teenagers$ hop"ng to see !ree' can t help ut cr"nge as -)anlowers h"msel* onto the ench ne t to me and puts h"s *eet up$ loung"ng com*orta l) at m) s"de$ l"ke we re

est *r"ends' "gnore h"m *or as long as can e*ore the s"lence eats awa) at me'#:hat do )ou want?+ snap$ w"thout look"ng at h"m' Where are you -ree?#,h$ come on a )$ wh) the host"l"t)?+>e has the decenc) to look awa) r"e*l) when settle m) "c) ga.e on h"s *ace' :hen he meets m)

e)es$ he seems uncerta"n and *or &ust a second < less threaten"ng' (hen he l"nks and the old -)an "s ack'>e stretches h"s long legs out e*ore h"m and leans casuall) aga"nst the wall$ look"ng me up and down'

snort w"th d"sgust as remem er how attract"/e once thought he was' >"s ha"r "s too th"ck$ almost w"r)$and h"s nose "s crooked' don t get what e/er saw "n h"m' ow all see "s an ugl) monster'

#@ou *"nd someth"ng *unn)?+ >e l"*ts an e)e row at me'

#Do awa)$+ sa) angr"l)' 'amn -ree1where are you!? =) "nner /o"ce "s loud and clear$ et away from him!

stand up and turn to walk awa)$ ut -)an hooks a *"nger "nto one o* m) ack pockets$ tugg"ng on m)shorts unt"l lose m) alance and *all ack "nto h"s lap' :a/es o* pan"c *lood through m) od) as oursk"n makes contact and scream$ cutt"ng o** h"s laugh a ruptl)'

#P"per calm #own + he sa)s as he l"*ts me on h"s legs$ h"s arms t"ghtl) around m) wa"st'People are watch"ng now$ ut don%t care' l"*t m) hand and slap -)an so hard across the *ace that m)

palm st"ngs' >e stares at me "n w"de


10/82


11/82

;he nods "n the darkness and reaches *orward to turn on the rad"o' :e l"sten to C"/"l (w"l"ght as pushdown on the accelerator' !ree "s the onl) one told a out what happened w"th -)an' ;he "s the onl) onewho knows wh) /e changed so much$ so u"ckl)' And she knows when don%t want to talk a out "t' lo/e her *or that'

#@our place$ or m"ne?+ ask'#Can )ou take me home? told m) parents Preston would drop me o** later' don%t want them to

worr)'+ >er /o"ce "s t"n) as she stares out the w"ndow'#;ure'+ thump m) hands on the steer"ng wheel to the eat o* the mus"c and "gnore the r"s"ng num er on the

speedometer' ha/e e/er) street "n etween !ree%s house and m) apartment memor".ed' *loor the pedalas we head up a h"ll and let the car arrel down the other s"de at nearl) *"*t) m"les an hour' A sl"/er o*moon "s all that shows "n the "nk) sk) and "t seems e/en the stars are h"d"ng'

t%s !ree%s scream that a ruptl) )anks me out o* m) mus"c re/er"e ut see the car ack"ng out o* thedr"/ewa) too late and the *ront end o* m) ocus slams "nto the ack o* the >onda' (he last th"ng see asm) od) "s p"tched *orward "nto the a"r ag "s !ree%s eaut"*ul rown ha"r "llow"ng out around her e*oreshe crashes through the w"ndsh"eld'


12/82

, A/T+R 2

t seems l"ke hundreds o* people show up *or the *uneral' !ut dou t e/en hal* o* them actuall) knowwho she reall) was' *eel l"ke ha/e a scarlet letter sewn onto the *ront o* m) sh"rt' ot e/er)one knew!ree$ ut the) all know %m the g"rl that got her k"lled' >er mom wouldn t e/en look at me' ot that wanted her too'

(he ree.e has settled around us$ wh"ch makes the trees at the cemeter) look l"ke stock) and st"llsecur"t) guards' stare at them$ wonder"ng "* the) hate me too' (r)"ng not to ru at the small cut a o/em) e)e row$ s u"rm "n m) scratch) lack dress$ tugg"ng "n aggra/at"on at the tooone)$ w"sh )ou

could tell us what%s go"ng on' s th"s a out !ree?+ st"**en when hear her name' # o' %m *"ne =om'+(here%s a pause and then a long s"gh on the other s"de o* the phone' #,ka)$ let me talk to )our *ather'+ get up and carr) the rece"/er "nto the l"/"ng room where ad "s s"tt"ng$ sulk"ng on the couch "n *ront

o* the (I$ where he "s most e/en"ngs'#;he wants to talk to )ou'+


13/82

A*ter toss"ng the phone "nto h"s lap$ return to the *am"l"ar sol"tar) con*"nement o* m) room' cl"munder the com*orter w"th m) clothes on and pull the sheets up o/er m) head' &ust want to go ack tosleep'

EEE

:hen open m) e)es$ the sun "s r"ght eh"nd m) orange curta"ns and groan "n protest' roll awa)*rom the w"ndow and catch a gl"mpse o* m)sel* "n the *ull length m"rror that hangs *rom the "ns"de o* m)

edroom door' =) e)es look a green"sh< rown toda) and m) ha"r hangs around m) *ace l"mpl)' t s anun*am"l"ar and desolate *ace star"ng ack at me' pucker m) pale l"ps at m) re*lect"on$ hop"ng the poutw"ll r"ng some color ack to m) mouth ut when that doesn%t work "te down on them unt"l the) turn aros) red color' -etter.

hear m) cell p"ng w"th a te t message alert so roll o/er onto m) stomach to reach *or the phone' ha/en%t used "t much s"nce !ree d"ed$ ut s"nce no one reall) calls me$ m) cur"os"t) "s p" ued' (hemuscles "n m) *ace go slack when open up the te t' t%s *rom an una/a"la le num er' And sa)s onl) onewordJ = - F-F-'

throw the phone across the room and *l"ng m)sel* ack onto the ed$ urrow"ng under the co/ersonce aga"n' pra) *or sleep to take me ut "nstead the tears eg"n to *low and cr) "nto m) p"llow unt"l"t%s damp' can t control m) moods' F/er) *"/e m"nutes m angr)$ sad$ "tter$ weak$ de*eated$ roken$ or/enge*ul' *eel ugl) *rom the "ns"de out$ alwa)s'

F/entuall)$ roll onto m) ack and stare up at the ce"l"ng *an as the lades make the"r slow rotat"onsaround the room and m) m"nd takes me to dark places places don%t want to go$ ut can%t seem to keepm)sel* awa) *rom latel)' What/s the point in fighting it?

ad "s at work$ wh"ch means the house "s empt) *or at least another s" hours' get up and wash m)*ace "n the athroom' ;uddenl)$ m tempted to rush m) teeth$ someth"ng ha/en t othered to do *orthree da)s' open the ca "net and one o* ad%s med"c"ne ottles catches m) e)e' reach "ns"de and slowl)remo/e the ottle$ shak"ng "t gentl) "n m) hand' t%s *ull' Perfect.

A *ew m"nutes later s"t down at m) desk$ w"th a p"ece o* paper "n m) hand and m) *a/or"te lue penw"th the chewed cap' le*t m) w"ndow open and the warm summer a"r *lutters through the curta"ns$ gentl)

caress"ng m) sk"n' or a wh"le ru the *resh andage on m) arm and l"nk at the r"ght da) outs"de'(ears pr"ckle at the edges o* m) e)es and start cascad"ng down m) cheeks$ dr"pp"ng o** m) ch"n and

plopp"ng onto the paper "n *at splats' hate that cr) all the t"me now' % hate it. l"ck m) l"ps and take adeep reath e*ore scr" l"ng two words onto the paperJ

% m )orry.(ak"ng a "g gulp o* a"r$ push awa) *rom the desk u"ckl) and acc"dentall) knock the empt) ottle o*

"a.epam onto the *loor' A*ter p"ck"ng "t up$ care*ull) place "t ne t to the paper e*ore walk"ng o/er tothe w"ndow to peer "nto the too< r"ght sunsh"ne' n the court)ard elow there are two )oung o)s r"d"ngthe"r "kes and an older woman s"tt"ng alone ) the pool$ watch"ng them' ;he%s wear"ng a r"ght )ellowhat and e/er) t"me she looks up at the ch"ldren$ the glare *rom her hat *orces me to s u"nt' can smell!!K *rom somewhere near ) and "nhale "t deepl)' t m" es oddl) w"th the cucum er


14/82

, A/T+R 3

groan at the r"ght l"ght eh"nd m) closed e)es$ hop"ng that "* s uee.e m) l"ds t"ght enough the l"ghtwon%t get through' t doesn%t work' What am % lying on? %m *lat on m) ack$ on someth"ng hard andcold' Where am %? "h no. %t #i#n t work. % m in the hospital! *rap. :"th that thought m) e)es *l) w"deopen and olt upr"ght' "sor"ented *rom the l"nd"ng glow around me$ almost *all o** a ench'

stead) m)sel*$ gr"pp"ng the edge o* the cool mar le sur*ace as sw"ng m) naked legs slowl) aroundunt"l m) *eet touch the ground' &erk them upwards "mmed"atel)$ surpr"sed ) how cold the ground "s'F/er)where look "t%s the same wh"te l"ght' can%t tell "* %m "ns"de or outs"de and m) stomach clenchesw"th an "et)'

#>ello?+ wh"sper at *"rst'(he sound o* m) small /o"ce echoes so*tl) around me$ ut no one responds' %m hes"tant to place m)

are *eet on the ground aga"n wh"ch oddl) *eels l"ke glass$ ut do$ and though "t%s st"ll cold the "n"t"alshock wears o** u"ckl)' ;lowl) and caut"ousl)$ stand up and m) ha"r cascades around m) shoulders$loose$ clean and smell"ng l"ke grapefruit ? reach up to touch "t and run m) hand along the smoothstrands' :hen went to ed m) ha"r was not th"s clean' What s going on?

#>ello$ "s an)one there?+A*ter hear"ng no response$ step awa) *rom the hard ench and turn "n a sem"e ra"ses one o* h"s ush) e)e rows at me'# m )eah'+ tug at the ottom hem o* m) long tank top$ w"sh"ng was wear"ng more than m) pa&amas' *eel

e posed and naked stand"ng e*ore th"s stranger' >e seems to rela a "t a*ter answer and he thrusts ahand out "n *ront o* h"m *or me to shake' take "t weakl)$ lett"ng h"m pump m) arm tw"ce'

#P"per$ m) name "s "les "les A ott' And need )ou to come w"th me please'+>e sm"les h"s gentle sm"le aga"n and e/en though don%t know h"m$ *eel safe. =) *eet make so*t

sounds on the cold$ glass) sur*ace o* the ground as *ollow the strange man through the l"nd"ng l"ght'>ow he can see where he%s go"ng$ ha/e no "dea' sta) close eh"nd h"m$ a*ra"d that "* he gets too *arahead o* me$ w"ll lose s"ght o* h"m'

#F cuse me$ "les mean$ =r' A ott' !ut$ where are we?+# %ll e pla"n e/er)th"ng to )ou dear$ &ust as soon as we reach the ;tat"on'+ >"s answer attempts to e

reassur"ng' >"s pat"ent /o"ce "s calm and mattere turns awa) and cont"nues on through the l"ght' hang m) head$ star"ng at m) are *eet as we walk'

F/en though m) cuts are gone$ keep ru "ng m) arm' t%s sooth"ng' almost ump "nto "les when hestops a ruptl)'


15/82

#:e%re here$+ he sa)s so*tl)' look up to see a long and rust) metal gate$ entw"ned w"th *lower"ng /"nes and two g"ant redwood

trees stand"ng at each end$ l"ke tower"ng guards' stare at the mass"/e trunks "n awe' %/e ne/er seen a treeso tall e*ore' (he redwoods reach up so h"gh that the tops d"ssol/e "nto the surround"ng "ncandescence'

"les steps as"de and gestures *or me to approach the gate'#Gad"es *"rst'+ >e sm"les' th"nk lush "n em arrassment as pass h"m and step up to the large gate w"th trep"dat"on' ha/e no

"dea how to open "t ut place m) hands on "t and "t gl"des eas"l) to the s"de' push harder unt"l there "senough room *or oth me and "les to pass through$ gr"nn"ng w"ldl) at h"m as "* %/e d"sco/ered the cureto cancer wh"le he nods at me "n appro/al' A*ter he steps "n eh"nd me$ tug on the gate to close "t' teas"l) sl"des "nto place w"th a sat"s*)"ng clank'

(he l"nd"ng wh"te l"ght "s muted ut not gone' As turn around *"nd m)sel* "n a court)ard o* sorts' can%t see the sk)$ ut guess that we are outs"de' (here are se/eral ster"le look"ng u"ld"ngs l"ned up "n acur/ed row$ *ac"ng us' gape at them as read the s"mple lock letters pr"nted a o/e the doors'

(he Adm"ss"ons epartment "s the largest u"ld"ng and "t s"ts &ust "n *ront o* us' (o the r"ght "s the(ra"n"ng epartment and ne t to that "s a much smaller u"ld"ng la eled #;ta** ,nl)+' ,n the other s"deo* the Adm"ss"ons u"ld"ng "s an e uall) "mpress"/e structure Cons"gnment epartment accord"ng tothe s"gn' A smaller u"ld"ng s"ts on the *ar end and th"nk see ch"ldren runn"ng around "ns"de "t' What isthis place? so adl) want answers' can%t see e)ond the u"ld"ngs there &ust seems to e a wall o*wh"te eh"nd them$ though not as l"nd"ng as where woke up'

#:here am ?+ ask "les$ st"ll sweep"ng m) e)es across the u"ld"ngs and the people mo/"ng "n andout o* them' And there are a lot o* people' >undreds$ th"nk ma) e e/en more'

#P"per$ th"s "s the ;tat"on' %m )our ntake ;pec"al"st'+3%ntake )pecialist?4 wh"sper$ not understand"ng' At all'>e gestures *or me to walk es"de h"m and match h"s slow pace as we stroll around an "mmense water

*ounta"n that takes up a good amount o* space etween the gate and the Adm"ss"ons epartment u"ld"ng'esp"te "ts s"gn"*"cant s".e$ the des"gn "s s"mple' t%s the lue t"le that *"nd so attract"/e' ga.e at the r"m$w"de enough to use as a seat$ and the "ns"de o* the *ounta"n *ollow"ng the tur uo"se t"le that rolls up anddown "n a wa/e pattern' t%s reathtak"ng and *or a moment *orget completel) that "les "s talk"ng to me'

#P"per? Are )ou l"sten"ng? t%s "mportant that )ou hear me now'+ >"s /o"ce "s gentle$ not at allauthor"tat"/e' nod at h"m$ em arrassed'

#Get%s s"t down$ shall we?+ >e po"nts at a mar le ench /er) much l"ke the one awoke on'# s th"s place real?+ ask "les as s"t down' (he mar le *eels cool aga"nst the ack o* m) th"ghs'#,* course "t "s'+ >e laughs so*tl)$ e*ore h"s e press"on turns ser"ous' #P"per$ what "s the last th"ng

)ou remem er?+#-emem er?+ scrunch m) *ace together as struggle to remem er someth"ng an)th"ng' =)

memor"es *eel *u..) and *arawa) at *"rst$ ut slowl)$ as "* a *og l"*ts *rom m) m"nd$ eg"n to see m) edroom' (he pale purple walls that hadn%t een pa"nted s"nce was *ourteen come "nto *ocus''''and m) edspread see the )ellow u"lt w"th "ts p"nk order and m)sel* l)"ng mot"onless "n m) ed'

# remem er m) edroom$+ sa) u"etl)$ as a *eel"ng o* dread spreads through m) od)'

"les *ull head o* gre) ha"r mo/es slowl) w"th an empath"c nod' #@es$ )our edroom$+ he pauses tolook up at me e*ore tak"ng m) hand "nto h"s' # t%s where )ou d"ed$ dear'+

EEE

*eel m) lower &aw drop open and stare at "les l"ke a un"corn horn sprouted *rom h"s *orehead' !ut &ust e*ore eg"n to argue$ see m) edroom aga"n and me s"tt"ng at m) desk wr"t"ng the last two words thought o* to tell m) ad' And the p"lls' "h my go#, the pills. l"nk slowl) and real".e that "les "sru "ng m) hand'

# %m #ea# ?+


16/82

#@es dear' @ou are dead'+ >e emphas".es the words care*ull)$ clearl) hop"ng hear each one'# o wa)'+

"les cocks h"s head to one s"de and looks at me cur"ousl)' >e seems surpr"sed$ ut don%t th"nk heunderstands %m "n shock' must e' % can t really $e #ea#, can %?

#;o$ "* %m dead$ where am ? s th"s >ea/en?+ look awa) *rom m) hands to peek up at h"m'>e shakes h"s head slowl)' # o'+ *eel the color dra"n *rom m) *ace' # s th"s >ell?+

"les sm"les pat"entl) at me$ aga"n w"th that know"ng e press"on'# o$ th"s "sn%t >ell$ dear' (h"nk o* th"s place as a sort o* sp"r"tual we"ghe wa/es a hand "n *ront o* h"m casuall) wh"le he talks ut looks around us w"th a lo/"ng e press"on'

th"nk three th"ngs at that moment *rap. % really #i# it, % kille# myself ' How long has 0iles $een here ?When will % finally pass out? pull m) hand *rom h"s and gr"p m) legs$ lower"ng m) head etween m)knees' *eel the sudden urge to pass out'

Just $reathe, Piper. -reathe.#P"per$ know th"s "s a lot to take "n' th"nk should take )ou to the Adm"ss"ons epartment now$ the)

w"ll take care o* )ou there'+ >e pats m) ack and then stands'%m sure won%t e a le to walk ut when s"t upr"ght m) head "sn%t *u..) and m) knees don%t knock

together l"ke e pect when take the *"rst *ew steps awa) *rom the ench' remem er %m are*oot andlook down at m) pa&ama shorts w"th shame'

# on%t worr) a out )our clothes$ P"per'+ >e stops to chuckle' #;ome people arr"/e "n &ust the"r "rthda) su"t'+


17/82

, A/T+R 4

stand "ns"de the Adm"ss"ons epartment$ ama.ed at how long the hallwa) "s' (he *loor *eels &ust ascold "ns"de as "t d"d outs"de$ ut now "t has more o* a m"lk) color to "t' want to reach down and touch "talmost sure m) hand w"ll come up wet$ ut s"nce "les "s stand"ng ne t to me$ urg"ng me to mo/e downthe w"de hallwa)$ m a*ra"d to stop'

(here are large lue doors e/er) *ew *eet and tr) not to ump "nto people as the) m"ngle around us' Atall man$ so th"n that can see the outl"ne o* h"s r" cage eneath h"s *ra)ed gre) ta/e a seat$ P"per' =rs' erd"nand w"ll e w"th )ou shortl)$+ "les sa)s w"th a sm"le'#:a"t$ are )ou lea/"ng?+ start to pan"c at the thought o* e"ng alone w"th ("ght !un Gad) er$ =rs'

erd"nand'*rap.# w"ll see )ou later$ P"per' !ut now ha/e other work to do'+

'ou$le crap.

>e w"nks at me e*ore clos"ng the hea/) lue door eh"nd h"m' look around the room$ tr)"ng tocontrol m) ner/es and ru at m) le*t *orearm unt"l %m sure the sk"n "s raw' :hen glance down$ m) arm"sn%t raw "t%s not e/en red' Hmm. tug m) loose *"tt"ng tank top o/er m) h"ps$ tr)"ng to h"de theshortness o* m) cotton pa&ama ottoms'

hear the cha"r s ueak so*tl) on the hard *loor "n *ront o* me and the )oung As"an g"rl w"th the ner/oussm"le stands and sa)s someth"ng to ("ght !un Gad) that can%t make out' :hen she turns awa) *rom thecounter$ she "s hugg"ng a wh"te p"ece o* paper to her chest' ;he sm"les sh)l) at me as she walks ) and wonder how old she "s at least two )ears )ounger than me' >er )ellow sundress *lows around her kneesas she s uee.es through the lue door and then she%s gone' %m st"ll star"ng a*ter her when ("ght !unGad) curtl) sa)s m) name'

#P"per :"llow?+ ;he sm"les ut "t doesn%t show "n her e)es'

approach her caut"ousl) and clear m) throat e*ore speak"ng' # m$ )es'+#>a/e a seat'+;he nods at the cha"r "n *ront o* me' s"t down "n "t a l"ttle too hard and she scowls sl"ghtl)' =) cheeks

*lush and p"n m) hands "n etween m) knees to keep them *rom shak"ng as process how terr"*)"ng("ght !un Gad) must ha/e een e*ore she came to the ;tat"on' ;he was pro a l) a G" rar"an' (hethought makes me g"ggle and clamp m) teeth down onto m) lower l"p to keep the sound "n'

# ot man) ew Arr"/als laugh at m) desk$ ="ss :"llow'+"ops.


18/82

;he "s star"ng hard at me$ oth e)e rows ra"sed *"rst "n surpr"se and then *urrowed together w"tha solute d"spleasure' mmed"atel) the urge to laugh "s gone and s uee.e m) knees harder aga"nst m)hands'

# %m sorr)$+ mum le'=) apolog) seems to please her and she nods wh"le she shu**les papers around on the counter etween

us' Paperwork, e+en after #eath1how ironic. (he thought makes me want to laugh aga"n and clampdown hard on m) l"p once more$ hop"ng ("ght !un Gad) d"dn%t catch m) near sl"p aga"n'

# "d =r' A ott e pla"n wh) )ou are here$ ="ss :"llow?+ ;he looks up *rom her paperwork to stare lankl) at me' nod$ a*ra"d to speak'

#Dood' %m sure )ou ha/e man) uest"ons$ ut *"rst$+ she wa/es one o* her hands "n *ront o* her *ace$# paperwork'+

reall) can%t help "t and the laugh "s out o* m) mouth e*ore can stop "t' u"ckl) r"ng m) hands upto co/er "t ut the look o* shock on ("ght !un Gad)%s *ace makes the sound "n m) throat /" rate harder

etween m) l"ps$ sp"ll"ng out around m) *"ngers' ;he slowl) leans ack "nto her cha"r and purses her l"pstogether t"ghtl) and m) m"nd screams$ 5i$rarian! onl) laugh harder now ha/e to lean *orward$ andgr"p m) stomach wh"le struggle to catch m) reath' :hen %m done %m w"nded as "* ran up a *l"ght o*sta"rs' ("ght !un Gad) looks /er)$ /er) unhapp) w"th me'

w"pe a tear *rom m) e)e and take "n se/eral ragged reaths e*ore she speaks'#Are )ou u"te done now$ ="ss :"llow?+# %m sorr)' t%s &ust paperwork here? @ou don%t *"nd that *unn)?+ sm"le at her';he leans *orward onto the counter and steeples her chu ) *"ngers "n *ront o* her' >er large osom

rests aga"nst the edge o* the w"de desk and her t"ght un pulls at the corners o* her e)es$ stretch"ng hersk"n t"ght' =) sm"le *ades as she stares "c"l) at me'

# o$ ="ss :"llow$ do not *"nd paperwork *unn)' * )ou%re *"n"shed w"th )our out urst$ %d l"ke tocont"nue m) &o now' :ould that e oka) w"th )ou$ or do )ou need another moment to compose )oursel*accord"ngl)?+

"h, it s like this is it?("ght !un Gad) has a solutel) no more pat"ence w"th me' s u"rm "n m) cha"r wh"le she shu**les the

papers etween us once more and pulls someth"ng *rom the p"le$ sett"ng "t "n *ront o* me' t looks l"ke a

checkl"stJ

:FGC,=F (, (>F ;(A( ,

Please *ollow the checkl"st "n th"s gu"de to help accommodate )ou w"th the purpose o* the ;tat"on' :e/alue each and e/er) person that passes through our gates$ whether )ou choose to mo/e on or ecome aIolunteer' * )ou e/er need ass"stance please re uest a meet"ng w"th )our ntake ;pec"al"st' -emem er$e/er)one deser/es a second chance' Please do the *ollow"ngJ

< Complete )our appropr"ate paperwork w"th the Adm"ss"ons epartment< Attend )our G"*e n -e/"ew meet"ng L "rst oor o* Adm"ss"ons epartmentM< Attend ,r"entat"on

< Gocate )our ntake ;pec"al"st *or *urther "nstruct"ons

What?! What the hell is a Iolunteer ? Mo+e on? To where?! look up at ("ght !un Gad) and shesm"les roadl) at m) con*used e press"on'

#;o ="ss :"llow$ let%s get )ou processed$ shall we?+

EEE

can%t help *"dget"ng w"th the edge o* m) checkl"st as s"t "n the lo ) o* the -e/"ew room' (he large$open space rem"nds me o* a church$ though "nstead o* pews$ sturd) cha"rs s"t neatl) ne t to each other'


19/82

>al* o* the cha"rs are *ull and at the *ront o* the room$ "nstead o* where a church pod"um would e$ thereare three doors' A man$ dressed "n all lack$ announces a name e/er) *"*teen m"nutes or so a*ter a persone "ts one o* the three doors and someone else gets up *rom the"r wh"te cha"r to *ollow h"m "ns"de theroom' not"ce /er) u"ckl) that no one has returned to the lo ) w"th a dr) *ace'

What e6actly happens to them in there?%/e een *ocus"ng on the pale eams o* the ce"l"ng when the m"ddle door opens and the )oung g"rl

ahead o* me at Adm"ss"ons comes out' ;he "s weep"ng so*tl) and passes ) me w"thout look"ng up' (hesadness that en/elopes her "s a stark contrast to her happ) sundress that dances w"ldl) around her legs asshe rushes out o* the room'

#P"per :"llow$+ the man "n lack announces sto"call)' gulp and r"se on shak) legs$ ump"ng "nto the person s"tt"ng "n *ront o* me as step out "nto the center

a"sle' (he walk "s long and *eel as "* e/er) set o* e)es eh"nd me "s or"ng "nto m) ack' tell m)sel* won%t come out cr)"ng'

% won t.#(h"s wa)$ please'+ >e ushers me "nto the m"ddle room and now can see "t%s empt)' Con*used$ turn

to look at h"m as he pulls the door shut eh"nd me w"th onl) a sl"ght nod'Wait! What happens in this room?! stand completel) st"ll' (he small s uare room "s all walls w"th no w"ndows' ,nl) a s"ngle wh"te l"ght

ul hangs *rom the center o* the ce"l"ng' %m wa"t"ng *or the walls to close "n around me$ or the *loor todrop$ when hear her /o"ce'

Mom.or what seems l"ke hours$ the walls *lash /"/"dl) around me w"th e/er) monumental moment "n m)

l"*e *rom m) "rth$ to m) *"rst "rthda) the hosp"tal /"s"t a*ter *all"ng o** m) "ke when was e"ght$*ollowed ) a tr"p to the "ce cream shop to cele rate m) *"rst cast ad hugg"ng me to h"s chest e/er)n"ght *or a month a*ter =om le*t m) (um l"ng per*ormances !ree sm"l"ng -)an !urke dump"ngsometh"ng "nto m) eer at the part) !ree *l)"ng through the w"ndsh"eld ecause d"dn%t tell her to put aseat elt on and the last da) o* m) l"*e' see "t pla) out "n slow mot"on$ me toss"ng ack hand*uls o*ad%s sleep"ng p"lls$ me star"ng out the w"ndow$ me tak"ng m) last shallow reath' (he last th"ng see "s aclose


20/82

, A/T+R 5

#P"per$ come walk w"th me' @ou%ll *eel etter soon'+ tr) to nudge h"s hand o** m) shoulder ut "les l"*ts m) arm and pulls me to m) *eet' =) *ace "s st"ll

ur"ed "n m) hands and don%t want to look at h"m'#F/er)one here has een through th"s$ trust me$ )ou%ll e oka)$+ he sa)s gentl)' *"nall) glance up at h"m' #-eall) e/er)one here has + =) /o"ce tra"ls o** as he nods'#@es$ dear' (hat "s what we all ha/e "n common here'+#,h'+>e nudges me aga"n and *ollow h"m ack outs"de though %m st"ll not sure what to call "t ecause

there%s no sk) and no ground es"des the cold m"lk) glass that am st"ll walk"ng are*oot on'#:here can get a pa"r o* shoes?+ ask$ em arrassed'#;hoes?+ >e stops to look down at me' #Are )our *eet uncom*orta le?+ he asks care*ull)'#,h + l"nk up at h"m$ and then down at m) *eet' 7re they uncomforta$le? # o$ guess not'+

"les sm"les and starts walk"ng aga"n' real".e he%s gu"d"ng me toward the smaller u"ld"ng on the endw"th the ch"ldren "ns"de$ &ust pass the Cons"gnment epartment' st"ll don%t know what all the u"ld"ngsare *or$ ut *eel rel"e/ed when hear ch"ldren laugh"ng' >e walks stra"ght up to one o* se/eral large a)w"ndows and leans *orward' cop) h"m and peer "nto the room eh"nd the sl"ghtl) ra"n owe pauses to sm"le down at me' #!ut$ some o* us ha/eour guesses'+

uesses? 7re you ki##ing me?!>e w"nks and steps awa) *rom the w"ndow' don%t want to lea/e the ch"ldren$ "les was r"ght the)

make )ou *eel happ) &ust watch"ng them' !ut "les "s walk"ng awa) *rom the u"ld"ng ack toward the

center o* the ;tat"on$ where the g"ant a ua


21/82

e cept these doors are a *aded green$ "nstead o* lue' >e pauses at the /er) *"rst door$ w"th h"s sl"ghtl)wr"nkled hand on the kno '

# can%t attend ,r"entat"on w"th )ou$ dear$ ut )ou w"ll see me when )ou are *"n"shed$ oka)?+#,ka)'+ (he word comes out a s ueak and hes"tantl) walk through the door when he holds "t open

*or me w"th a sm"le'#@ou%ll e *"ne' ust choose what )ou *eel "s r"ght'+ >e u"ckl) pulls the door shut eh"nd h"m'"h no. *hoose what s right?=) stomach tw"sts "n a all o* restless ner/es as turn slowl) around to *ace the open room' (here "s

another small hallwa) "n *ront o* me$ w"th two closed doors on m) le*t and two closed doors on m) r"ght' *eel m) knees ang together as repla) the last th"ng "les told me' Just choose what you feel is right.reach out to touch the *"rst door to m) le*t when the one "mmed"atel) across *rom "t opens w"th a *lurr)'

#,h no$ hone)' (hat room "s currentl) "n sess"on'+A short woman wear"ng a long$ wh"te n"ghtgown sm"les at me *rom under a g"normous co"* o* rusta"r makes me *eel welcome and rela ed' ;he rem"nds me o*

"les$ though the) look noth"ng al"ke' s"t ack "n m) cha"r and take a moment to scan the room' :hat%s"nterest"ng "s that most o* the o)s are *ull) clothed$ w"th one e cept"on a th"n )oung man$ a out m)age$ who "s wear"ng noth"ng ut pa&ama pants' ;uddenl)$ don%t *eel as naked as d"d e*ore'

#;o$ know most o* )ou are con*used$ ma) e e/en upset a out e"ng here' =) &o "s to e pla"n to )ouhow the ;tat"on works and what )our opt"ons are'+

=) "nterest "s "nstantl) p" ued' lean *orward "n m) cha"r$ l"ke most o* m) *ellow Hclassmates% wh"lewe l"sten to =rs' ;weet !"g >a"r tell us wh) we are here'

# won%t e a le to answer all o* )our uest"ons$ ut can sa) that each one o* )ou has a cho"ce tomake'+

;he sm"les at the room sweetl)' can%t "mag"ne an)th"ng depress"ng th"s woman enough to take herown l"*e$ she%s too darn happ)'

#(he ;tat"on ser/es two +ery "mportant purposes' :e help man) people mo/e on to the"r ne t &ourne)o* course$ ut most "mportantl)$ we help those "n need'+

Those in nee#. *urrow m) rows together$ clearl) con*used' (he o) ne t to me s u"rms "n h"s seat and he too looks

con*used and ma) e a l"ttle worr"ed' or the *"rst t"me not"ce the ce"l"ng matches the m"lk) *loor "t%snot e actl) mo/"ng$ ut "t rem"nds me o* someth"ng organ"c'

#;ee$ when )ou chose to end )our l"*e )ou took a path that landed )ou here' (h"nk o* "t as a *ork "nthe road that wasn%t meant to e there' An)hoo$ now )ou are here and )ou can e"ther return ack$+ there "sa collect"/e gasp "n the room$ # or$ )ou can opt


22/82

A chunk) o) w"th small$ ead) e)es "nterrupts her$ #:hat do )ou mean$ go ack?+#:ell$ "t%s not u"te what )ou th"nk$+ she sa)s$ w"th that sweet sm"le aga"n' #@ou can%t return ack to

your l"*e' @ou d"ed$ remem er? :hat )ou can do "s /olunteer to go ack as the temporar) su consc"ouso* a person "n need'+

t"lt m) head to the s"de at the same t"me as the person "n *ront o* me' *eel m) heartell$ ut oth o* these cho"ces seem l"ke pun"shment to me'

!e*ore ,r"entat"on "s o/er$ know wh"ch one w"ll choose and "t%s an eas) cho"ce *or me to make ecause %m not strong or ra/e'

0ot anymore.

EEE

stand "n the short l"ne eh"nd @ellow ;undress D"rl wa"t"ng *or =rs' ;weet !"g >a"r to pass me m)or"entat"on pass' %m to take "t ne t door to the (ra"n"ng epartment "mmed"atel)' A*ter she places thesmall rectangular o &ect "n m) hand$ turn "t o/er once$ not"c"ng no mark"ngs on the smooth red glasssur*ace' ;he nods k"ndl) at me and shakes m) hand e*ore turn to lea/e the room'

;tand"ng "n the *ar corner "s a o) much taller than me' >e wears all lack cloth"ng and h"s th"n$ dark

ha"r l"es *lat on top o* h"s head' >e glares at the room and makes no e**ort to get "n l"ne *or a pass' mo/e/er) slowl) *rom the *ront o* the room$ ack to the door$ lett"ng =rs' ;weet !"g >a"r reach h"m *"rst'

# erem)$+ she sa)s to h"m$ w"th a so*t look "n her e)es$ #ha/e )ou made a dec"s"on?+# won%t go ack$+ he sa)s *latl)' see her nod$ understand"ng on her *ace' !ut %/e reached the door now and "* don%t go through "t$

the) w"ll oth know %m ho/er"ng' open "t slowl) and r"sk a *"nal glance at the tall )oung man e*ore hear =rs' ;weet !"g >a"r talk aga"n'

# * th"s "s what )ou want$ can help )ou mo/e on$ erem)'+# can%t go ack' won%t do "t'+ >"s /o"ce "s stra"ned$ t"ght w"th emot"on'#,ka)' @ou%ll ha/e to come w"th me'+


23/82

Wow.


24/82

, A/T+R 6

#Come on e/er)one$ u"et down' Attent"on$ please +(he room settles "nto an uneas) hush' stand near the ack$ two people awa) *rom @ellow ;undress

D"rl' (he (ra"n"ng epartment lo ) "s mass"/e' And &ust as e pected$ "t looks l"ke the other ma"n u"ld"ngs e cept the entr)wa) "s much w"der' To accommo#ate group arri+als?

# need teens through door one$ twent"es through door two$ th"rt"es through door three$ *ort"es throughdoor *our )ou get the p"cture?+

A ha"r) ma"n w"th a portl) ell) "s wea/"ng through the crowd o* people po"nt"ng at doors andanswer"ng uest"ons "n l"ttle u"ps' et he%s w"shed a m"ll"on t"mes he chose a d"**erent last out*"t' >"stoo


25/82

another' (hat s when spot "les com"ng toward the *ounta"n and gr"n at h"m' m e)ond happ) to see a*r"endl) *ace'

# "les + stand to hug h"m as he approaches and he pats me l"ghtl) on the ack'#;o$ see )ou ha/e dec"ded to sta) and ecome a Iolunteer?+ nod ut m) *ace must g"/e awa) m) dou ts ecause he leans *orward and pla)*ull) p"nches one o*

m) cheeks'#@ou w"ll make a great Iolunteer'+ >"s gentle sm"le warms me' turn s"dewa)s so that "les "s *ac"ng Nerr)e sm"les h"s per*ect "les ;m"le and *ollow

h"m pass the (ra"n"ng epartment to the much smaller sta** u"ld"ng':hen he pushes open the *ront door$ stand awkwardl) eh"nd h"m unsure o* what "t "s he wants me to

do'# t%s oka) P"per$ there%s someone who wants to meet )ou and th"s "s the most pr"/ate place a/a"la le

r"ght now'+ >e urges me "ns"de and closes the door eh"nd us' &ump as the large p"ece o* wood clunks"nto place'

#>a/e done someth"ng wrong?+ ask t"m"dl)'#,h$ gosh no %m sorr) d"dn%t mean to worr) )ou' >ere$ come th"s wa)'+=) naked *eet pad so*tl) on the cold *loor as *ollow h"m around a corner and through a small open

doorwa)' (here "s a large con*erence st)le ta le s"tt"ng "n the center o* the room and a startl"ngl) eaut"*ulg"rl a out m) age s"tt"ng w"th her el ows rest"ng on the ta le' :hen we enter the room she stands a ruptl)and looks ner/ousl) etween me and "les' ;he%s wear"ng a long


26/82

=allor) s"ghs and sh"*ts "n her cha"r' %m tr)"ng not to stare at her *eatures$ ut her large$ lue e)es$ *ulland per*ectl) ros) l"ps and long londe ha"r "s a "t d"stract"ng' ;he%s the ;tat"on%s /ers"on o* a l"/"ng!ar "e doll'

# do *eel as "* let )ou down' hope )ou know that$+ she sa)s "t u"etl)'#:hen d"d )ou ecome m) Iolunteer?+ ask'# ust shortl) a*ter -)an'+ ;he r"ngs her ga.e up *rom the ta le and looks d"rectl) at me' "nhale sharpl)' #-)an? @ou know a out that?+#,* course$ P"per' was "n )our head *or se/eral months' know prett) much e/er)th"ng'+=) mouth *alls open and %m sure m) &aw has h"t the *loor' :hen reg"ster the *act that m) tongue "s

st"ll attached and work"ng$ swallow hard'# don%t l"ke the "dea o* someone e"ng "n m) head$+ sa) a "t harshl) and =allor) *l"nches'#!ut P"per < that "s what )ou%/e &ust /olunteered to do'+"h. *rap. )he s right. % hate that she s right. glare down at m) hands$ wh"ch %/e een tw"st"ng "n m) lap' t was a ha "t m) ad hated' take a

deep reath and set m) hands calml) on the ta le top' let the coolness o* the lueer *ace darkens a "t and somehow know what she%s go"ng to sa)' # %m so sorr) a out !ree' reall)l"ked her'+

ow "t%s m) turn to cr)' l"nk rap"dl)$ hop"ng that keeps the tears *rom sp"ll"ng out onto m) cheeks$ ut one manages to escape' ts salt) tra"l tr"ckles o/er m) l"ps e*ore ha/e a chance to w"pe "t awa)' can%t speak$ so &ust nod m) head' =allor) gets up slowl) *rom her cha"r and walks around the ta le$s"tt"ng down care*ull) "nto the seat ne t to me'

#G"sten$ P"per' @ou%/e een through a lot' =ore than an) e"ghteen )ear old should ha/e to' knowmore than an)one what "t *eels l"ke to e "n )our s"tuat"on' -emem er$ we were matched *or a reason? :ecan%t go ack and change the past$ ut we can make a d"**erence w"th the *uture *or others'+

>er words are l"ke a so*t lanket draped around m) shoulders and look up at her w"th a small sm"le';he%s r"ght o* course aga"n' can%t go ack and change the past$ e/en though know would do "t

d"**erentl) "* could' (o th"nk how sel*"sh m) dec"s"on was r"ngs me nearl) to tears aga"n' can t go ack and *" m) l"*e' !ut can make someone else%s l"*e etter' could e/en sa/e someone *rom themsel*'

#>ow long ha/e )ou een here?+ ask her';he laughs that throat) per*ect laugh aga"n' #,h P"per$ ha/e no "dea' !ut %/e handled 72 cases'

adm"t took a "t o* a reak a*ter )our case'B ;he sa)s the last sentence u"etl) and looks down at herhands'

can%t stop m)sel* *rom lurt"ng out what know "s true$ # t wasn%t )our *ault'+;he sm"les a *ace


27/82

Me1$ra+e? hope she%s r"ght' ;omeone else%s l"*e w"ll e/entuall) depend on "t'


28/82

, A/T+R 7

t seems l"ke (herap) lasts *ore/er "n (ra"n"ng' /e p"cked apart m) e per"ence w"th -)an !urke and!ree s death w"th our (ra"ner' And surpr"s"ngl)$ m) stor) "sn t that much d"**erent *rom the others "n m)classes' t makes me *eel l"ke less o* a *a"lure and more l"ke a sur/"/or$ as "ron"c as that seems' knowwhat happened w"th -)an wasn t m) *ault now and that not all )oung men are l"ke h"m' oes that changeth"ngs? :ell$ not )et$ guess' can st"ll *eel a wall around me when "t comes to m) thoughts a out theoppos"te se '

And as *or !ree$ what happened w"th her was an acc"dent careless on m) part$ ut an acc"dentnonetheless' t takes man) hugs and so "ng sess"ons *or me to eg"n to understand th"s' n t"me start to*eel stronger ut now ha/e a permanent ache "n m) heart at the thought o* what and who le*t eh"nd'll ne/er "mpro/e "* cont"nue to th"nk a out ad and home$ and what so eagerl) le*t eh"nd "n a

moment o* weakness$ so e/entuall) ha/e to put "t awa) tucked deepl) and sa*el) "nto m)su consc"ous'

A*ter se/en tra"n"ng sess"ons "les th"nks %m read)' :e are s"tt"ng outs"de near the *ounta"n wherewe /e met a*ter each o* m) sess"ons' A*ter drag m) hand through the cool water$ creat"ng l"ttle wa/esthat reach all the wa) around the owl$ *"nall) look up at "les$ who "s wa"t"ng pat"entl) *or me to speak*"rst'

#>ow d"d )ou know )ou were read) *or )our *"rst case$ "les?+#:ell$ d"dn%t' reall) d"sl"ked m) tra"ner' *elt had to do someth"ng else$ or %d go cra.)'+ "les

sm"les at me as gawk at h"s honest answer'# "les A ott$ d"dn%t th"nk )ou had an "mpat"ent one "n )our od) + :e oth laugh'# %m ser"ous though$ P"per' do th"nk )ou are read)' @ou%/e een through most scenar"os and )ou

ha/e a good m"nd' @ou can *"gure out what to do "* )ou get stuck' Plus$ the most as"c rule )ou alread)know' rom =allor)'+ >e sa)s her name so*tl)'

#@es' (hat we can onl) do our est to gu"de and regardless o* the outcome "t%s not our *ault "* ourAss"gnments *a"l'+ s"gh hea/"l)'

% was a failure. Poor Mallory.

#F actl)$ m) dear'+ >e sm"les gentl) at me' #@ou know$ ha/en%t seen )our *r"end Nerr)


29/82

#(o s"gn up$ )ou%ll want to wa"t "n the *"rst l"ne$ here$+ "les tells me' (here aren%t more than *our people s"tt"ng "n each sect"on' >ope*ull) th"s means the wa"t won%t e long'

#,ka)' o )ou ha/e to go?+ ask h"m$ hop"ng he w"ll sta) w"th me'#@es dear$ dut) calls'+>e g"/es me a w"nk and turns to lea/e the u"ld"ng' stare at the lue d"amond pattern o* h"s sweater

/est as he walks awa)' wonder how long "les has een here and make a mental note to ask h"m when%m done "n l"ne'

wa"t onl) m"nutes e*ore m) name "s called' ortunatel)$ the man eh"nd the counter "s much*r"endl"er than ("ght !un Gad) was and etter look"ng too' (hough h"s sk"n "s pale$ he has r"ght greene)es and a so*t sm"le' m so grate*ul he s *ull) clothed$ otherw"se m prett) sure d e star"ng at themuscles he seems to ha/e eneath h"s te shows a *ull mouth o* per*ectl) al"gned$ wh"teteeth when he sm"les' tr) to l"nk' reall) do'

)top staring, Piper!#Ahh' (here )ou are' A relat"/el) ew Arr"/al$ "s that r"ght$ P"per?+Where #i# he pull this paperwork from? answer$ #@es' %/e een wa"t"ng *or the r"ght t"me to come "n$ guess'+>e wa/es d"sm"ss"/el)' # o need to e pla"n$ P"per' Iolunteer"ng "s a /er) ser"ous &o ' ot to e taken

l"ghtl)' :e want )ou to e a solutel) read)'+:"th that comment m) *rag"le con*"dence goes catapult"ng at mache sm"les

and h"s teeth sparkle aga"nst the wh"te o* the room' w"ggle "n m) seat and stare at rew$ who "s pat"entl) wa"t"ng *or m) dec"s"on' #,ka)$+ s ueak'#Are )ou sure?+ >e ra"ses a l"ght rown e)e row at me'#@es$+ sa)$ w"th a *"rmer tone'

% m rea#y. % can #o this.#Dood'+ >e stands and gra s at the p"le o* paperwork etween us' # %ll e r"ght ack'+ watch h"m walk all the wa) to the end o* the counter$ wh"ch "s en&o)a le$ to sa) the least$ where an

older woman w"th long rown ha"r "s stamp"ng someth"ng' ;he pauses to look up at h"m e*ore tak"ng thestack o* papers' ;he r"**les through them and then stamps se/eral e*ore hand"ng them ack to rew' tr)

to act as "* wasn%t star"ng when he returns to our end o* the counter'#All appro/ed' @ou re all set to go$ P"per'+ >e sm"les at me wh"le dropp"ng m) paperwork "nto

someth"ng eh"nd the counter' 'rawers, may$e?#(hat%s "t?+ tr) not to look too shocked'#@ep$ that%s "t' ow check "n w"th the "ll oard on the ack wall to see that )our pro*"le "s act"/e' (hat

w"ll show when )our case "s read)$ )our current status$ etc' on%t worr) "t m"ght e a l"ttle wh"le e*ore)ou are g"/en )our *"rst case' :e take great pa"ns to ensure each Iolunteer "s matched properl)' (ake th"sw"th )ou < "t w"ll l"ght up "n case )ou aren%t "n the u"ld"ng when )our new ass"gnment comes "n'+


30/82

nod at h"m e*ore stand"ng *rom the cha"r to accept the small glass d"sk that hangs *rom a long metalcha"n *rom h"s pro**ered hand' t s clear and stud) "t to see where "t w"ll l"ght up *rom$ ut see noth"ng"ns"de'

#,h$ and P"per?+ look up at rew once more' #@es?+#Dood luck'+ >e sm"les reassur"ngl) and start to p"ck m) shattered con*"dence up o** the *loor'#(hanks'+

EEE

(he glass *eels cool and re*resh"ng as lean aga"nst the a) w"ndow$ watch"ng w"th a sentm"ndedcur"os"t) as the ch"ldren run around the"r large pla)room' (h"s "s where go when "les "s us) and %mnot "n a tra"n"ng sess"on' looked at m) pro*"le "n the Cons"gnment epartment e*ore head"ng ackouts"de' t was strange to see m) p"cture on the mass"/e oard w"th m) name elow "t and the statusJAC( IF$ :A ( D A;; D =F (' was a le to *"nd Nerr)e%s th"n w"th /er) dark sk"n$ dressed "n car pa&amas and less eager to pla) l"ke the others are$ thoughthe) keep tr)"ng to engage h"m "n some sort o* act"/"t) l"ke tag or h"de and seek' F/entuall) he pa"rs upw"th another o)$ a out ele/en$ and the) eg"n a *r"endl) game o* dodge all aga"nst two g"rls aroundthe"r age' >e can t e o/er ten )ears old' ;omewhere hope h"s parents m"ss h"m'

laugh watch"ng them and hope that none o* them sta) at the ;tat"on *or long' %m engrossed "n the"rgame when a r"ght redd"sh


31/82

her straw


32/82

# %ll go *"rst$ so )ou can see what do oka)?+ nod and watch as she sl"des her glass card "nto one o* the a/a"la le slots' (he door to our r"ght slowl)

opens and =allor) walks con*"dentl) toward "t' :"th her hand on the kno $ she looks o/er her shoulder atme a *"nal t"me and sm"les e*ore clos"ng the door'

That s it? stare at the wall$ look"ng *or the slot want to use$ and as reach up to sl"de m) glass card "nto the

spot /e p"cked$ the door eh"nd me *l"es open' "les stands "n the doorwa)$ look"ng *ra..led'# "les?+#P"per %m glad made "t e*ore )ou le*t + >e takes a deep reath e*ore enter"ng and walks u"ckl)

to me' return h"s hug and when he steps ack he takes another reath e*ore talk"ng'# %m reall) sorr) %m late' had a ew Arr"/al to accompan) to ,r"entat"on' wasn%t e pect"ng )our

*"st case to come so soon'+# "les$ "t%s oka)' =allor) showed me what to do'+ sm"le "g at h"m$ hop"ng m) *ace "s *ull o*

con*"dence'#(hat was /er) k"nd o* her'+ >e nods appro/"ngl)' # w"ll ha/e to thank her'+#;he &ust le*t on an ass"gnment' ;he went *"rst so could see what to do'+ nod at the door she passed

through &ust moments e*ore'#:ell$ when she returns then'+ >e gestures to the wall' #:h"ch one w"ll )ou p"ck?+#,h$ was th"nk"ng th"s one'+ ra"se the glass ke) up to the wall and sl"de "t "nto an empt) space' "les

gr"ns as he watches and the door to our le*t opens w"th a so*t whoosh sound'#:hat?+ send a cur"ous glance h"s wa)'#(hat%s the portal used *or m) *"rst case'+#>ow do )ou remem er wh"ch portals )ou used?+ %m surpr"sed'#P"per$ %/e had man)$ man) cases' =ore ass"gnments than there are portals' guess had m)

*a/or"tes'+ >e sm"les unt"l a *unn) look spreads across h"s *ace'# o )ou m"ss "t?+ ask u"etl)'#;omet"mes$ ut m) &o now "s e uall) as *ul*"ll"ng'+ >e nods at the door$ #,ka)$ "t%s )our turn' %ll e

here when )ou come ack'+ walk slowl) toward the door and =allor) was r"ght$ "ts p"tch lack on the other s"de' glance at "les

and he "s nodd"ng w"th a sm"le plastered to h"s wr"nkled *ace$ us"ng h"s hands to Hshoo% me *orward'#Do ahead' @ou%ll e *"ne$+ he sa)s' stop at the threshold and g"/e h"m a *"nal sm"rk' :"th m) hand on the kno $ hear h"s /o"ce

reassur"ng me once more'#Dood luck$ P"per$ know )ou w"ll do great'+


33/82

, A/T+R 8

stand a solutel) st"ll$ a*ra"d to mo/e$ a*ra"d to reathe' :"th the door closed eh"nd me$ see noth"ng ut lackness' t%s eer"l) u"et other than m) own thoughts and %m on the /erge o* pan"ck"ng when *eela p"nch"ng sensat"on start at m) *eet and u"ckl) tra/el up m) legs'

What the heck is that?! dance on m) toes$ th"nk"ng someth"ng "s crawl"ng on me "n the dark' (he p"nch"ng mo/es o/er m)

h"ps and around m) stomach' g"ngerl) touch m) m"dsect"on w"th onl) m) *"ngert"ps ut there "s noth"ngthere$ other than m) cloth"ng' (he p"nch"ng works "ts wa) up m) chest and a strangled sound escapes m)mouth as "t passes o/er m) throat' !) the t"me "t reaches the top o* m) head$ %m "n *ull

this what $eing paralyze# feels like? can%t see an)th"ng and "t%s st"ll /er) dark and u"et' o$ wa"t #ohear someth"ng' )noring? %s that someone snoring? Dreat' =) *"rst Ass"gnment "s asleep < wh"ch means%m stuck "n the darkness *or who knows how long'

* had *"ngers$ %d e tw"ddl"ng them' * had toes$ %d e tapp"ng m) *oot "mpat"entl)' !ut seem"ngthat "t%s reall) &ust m) awareness that "s present$ ha/e to wa"t'

How irritating. (he t"me mo/es slowl) ut e/entuall) the snor"ng stops' A peek o* l"ght *loods aroundme e*ore "t%s gone almost "nstantl)'

*ome on, wake up. !r"ghtness encompasses me once more and a *ew seconds pass ) e*ore "t "s goneaga"n'

Wake up, sleepy:hea#.(h"s t"me$ the glow o* l"ght sta)s put and see through m) Ass"gnment clearl)' struggle to process

what s r"ght "n *ront o* me "s "t$ )es "t%s a p"llow "ns"de a urgund)


34/82

(he sleep) *ace o* the most eaut"*ul o) %/e e/er seen greets me' This coul# $e $a#, really $a#. (helast t"me thought an)one was th"s cute$ learned the hard wa) that cute doesn t mean n"ce' pla) m)(ra"ner s /o"ce through m) head tr)"ng to remem er all the scenar"os that were placed e*ore me to

prepare me *or th"s moment' m completel) lank'>e runs h"s hand along h"s ch"seled &aw$ wh"ch "s *ull o* dark morn"ng stu le' don t know what to

th"nk ut m sure "* had m) mouth$ %d e gawk"ng' >"s l"ps are *ull and lusc"ous *rom sleep and h"shooded e)el"ds l"nk at h"s re*lect"on slowl)' not"ce$ as well as *eel the sadness *rom h"s e press"on' (he

loodshot wh"te o* h"s e)es clash aga"nst the lue o* h"s "r"ses and th"nk he%s e"ther /er) t"red$ or hunge "s not mak"ng our *"rst da) eas) on me'

EEE


35/82

:hen he *"nall) stops and locks h"s "ke up "n *ront o* a small ut posh look"ng co**ee shop$ w"llm)sel* to rela ' ;urel) we are sa*er w"th ca**e"ne than h"s two wheeled horror


36/82

, A/T+R 9

so adl) want to *orget what %/e seen through ;loan%s memor"es' want to cr) *or h"m$ hug h"m andmake "t all d"sappear' th"nk o* =allor) and wonder "* th"s "s how "t was *or her when she ecame m)Iolunteer' want to shudder$ hug m) knees and rock ack and *orth on the ground l"ke a scared toddler'

7n# % thought ha# pro$lems. Poor )loan. don%t e/en know how to eg"n process"ng the "n*ormat"on %/e collected *rom h"m$ so start at the

eg"nn"ng' :hen he was *our h"s uncle egan molest"ng h"m' t lasted unt"l he was n"ne$ when h"s motherremarr"ed and the lended *am"l) mo/ed *rom Cle/eland to ;an ranc"sco'

@ears o* e"ng the th"rd careg"/er *or h"s m"ldl) Aut"st"c step< rother changed ;loan *rom an"mag"nat"/e$ creat"/e )et o*ten t"mes sh) o) "nto a ner/ous and u"et recluse' And then he turned s" teen$started learn"ng how to dr"/e a car and w"th the *ew outs o* *reedom he was a le to get$ he had &uststarted com"ng out o* h"s shell e*ore the acc"dent happened'

,n a ra"n) da)$ he came down the h"ll near the"r townhome too *ast and the sl"ck road caused the car tosl"de out o* control' Pla)"ng "n the t"n) *ront )ard$ dressed "n a )ellow sl"cker w"th green *rogs$ was ="ck$h"s )ounger step< rother' ;loan couldn%t stop and the *ront o* the car catapulted o/er the dr"/ewa) columnand crashed down /"olentl) "nto the *ront )ard r"ght on top o* ="ck$ crush"ng h"m' ;loan%s mother saw "tall happen *rom the k"tchen w"ndow' t took ="ck three /er) pa"n*ul da)s to d"e "n the hosp"tal'

Gess than a )ear later$ h"s stepe ought "t the da) e*ore )esterda)$ o** a street punk *or 50' That s how he plans on #oing it1shooting himself? t seems graph"c ut learned "n m)tra"n"ng that more men than women choose a gun *or su"c"de "t%s more e**"c"ent'

"h, )loan. How #o % $ring you $ack from here?>e s"ghs "n h"s sleep and know he%s dream"ng o* ="ck and h"s goo*) sm"le'

EEE

urge ;loan awake as soon as *eel see the so*t glow o* the sun as "t makes "ts sleep) appearance onthe hor".on eh"nd h"s closed l"ds' ha/e an "dea on how to start h"s da) d"**erentl) *rom )esterda) s$ ut%ll need h"s help'

Wake up, sleepy hea#. %t s time to start a new #ay!:hen that doesn%t work$ tap the ghost o* m) *oot "mpat"entl) and chew on m) m"ss"ng l"p' Hmm.

Perhaps someth"ng w"th a "t more /olume "s needed?

2% (! 2% (! 2% (! TH( ( ) 7 2% (! (T


37/82

wa"t as pat"entl) as can wh"le he does h"s morn"ng dut"es "n the athroom and pra"se h"m when hetakes *"/e e tra seconds rush"ng h"s teeth' >e grum les when he stands "n *ront o* h"s dresser' know he"s ser"ousl) cons"der"ng m) plea to go *or a run and want to &ump up and down l"ke a ca/eman$ ut alas$ ha/e no legs' ;o do what an) g"rl would do$ help h"m p"ck the r"ght out*"t'

ressed "n dark lue workout shorts$ a t"ght wh"te te reaches *or the cheese and actuall) sn"**s "t e*ore snap at h"m'

rocery store, 0"W!>e gl"des through h"s apartment and stands "n *ront o* h"s old and surpr"s"ngl) cool d"stressed dresser

aga"n$ ru "ng the stu le on h"s ch"n' 7n# % thought girls ha# a har# time picking out clothes. A*terhelp"ng h"m dec"de on a pa"r o* &eans and a *ash"ona l) *ra)ed *oca:*ola sh"rt$ he pulls on h"s shoes and

tugs on h"s 49ers cap aga"n' tr) to tell h"m that%s gross cons"der"ng he put the sweat) hat on top o*clean ha"r$ ut he "gnores me'

&ou re going to ha+e awful hat:hair, ust watch.(o m) d"sma)$ "nstead o* ha"l"ng a ca $ he uncha"ns h"s horrore%s not rushed at all and seems to e en&o)"ng tak"ng h"s t"me "k"ng through thene"gh orhood' (h"s g"/es me a chance to le"surel) look up at the Kueen Anne row houses "n h"s neck o*the woods' >ow come ne/er /"s"ted th"s c"t)? t%s not that *ar awa) *rom ;an "ego' May$e $ecause youwere only eighteen when you #ie#? ;adness washes o/er me u"ckl) and thoughts o* m) ather and !ree*lood m) m"nd' Aware that am /"olat"ng one o* the ma&or Ass"gnment rules$ wh"ch "s to Hne/er$ e/er$make th"ngs a out @, %$ struggle to turn m) thoughts awa) *rom m) past and stare through h"s e)es at

the da) around h"m'

EEE

ood$ *"nall) don%t th"nk he knows what to do w"th hal* the stu** he rought home$ ecause nearl)lost m) /o"ce shout"ng out the names o* color*ul /egeta les and *ru"ts and whole gra"ns "n the store' t wasan almost pa"n*ul challenge to keep h"m *rom the cand) and *ro.en *ood sect"ons'

>e sets the ags on the counter and starts unpack"ng them slowl)' :hen he pulls the p"neapple out$ thelargest th"ng M7'( h"m u)$ he stares at "t w"th wonder$ e*ore sett"ng "t care*ull) ack down on the


38/82

countere slumps up aga"nst the *r"dge "n *rustrat"on' know he can hear me$ so d"/e "n once aga"n'&ou are 0"T or#ering greasy unk foo#, no matter how won#erful it tastes, $ecause you worke# out

to#ay1an# it ma#e you feel goo#. 7n# you want to feel goo#. M7;( TH( '7M0 2 e%s asleep "n *ront o* the (I aga"n' >e has aw*ul sleep"ng ha "ts %ll ha/e to work on that' ;"nce hehas to e at )team ) n"ne the ne t morn"ng$ dou t he%ll want to get up earl) aga"n *or a run ut planon tr)"ng an)wa)' n order *or h"m to "mpro/e he has to reak h"s ad ha "ts *"rst' >e has to learn to carea out h"msel* aga"n O "ns"de and out' %t s possi$le, 9olunteers #o this e+ery #ay $ rem"nd m)sel*' ;loanseems l"ke a tough case though' And not *or the *"rst t"me wonder wh) an)one at the ;tat"on would th"nkhe was a good match *or me' dou t w"ll e/er understand the pol"t"cs o* m) new e "stence'

%m dawdl"ng on that "dea when ;loan%s cell r"ngs' t%s s"tt"ng on the co**ee ta le$ &ust es"de h"s propped up *eet' >e doesn%t mo/e on the *"rst r"ng$ or e/en the second$ ut he st"rs on the th"rd and s"ts upto gra the phone ) the *ourth'

#:hat?+ >e answers w"thout read"ng the caller '

3)loan 0ash. 7re you ignoring me for a reason?4 A s)rup) /o"ce teases h"m *rom the other s"de o* the phone'

# ess?+ >"s *eet *l) o** the ta le and he leans *orward on the couch$ ru "ng h"s hand through h"s ha"r r"skl) to wake h"msel* up'

3Were you e6pecting someone else to call this late, $a$y?4;he%s st"ll teas"ng h"m' udg"ng her /o"ce alone$ et she%s eaut"*ul tall perhaps$ th"n o* course$ "g

reasted$ t"n) wa"st$ long and per*ect ha"r$ orthodont"st


39/82


40/82

, A/T+R 10

t%s dawn aga"n and m) gentle urges to wake h"m up aren%t work"ng$ so elt out Nat) Perr)%s Part "f Me unt"l hear ;loan%s hal*e alls up h"s shorts and t"s hand actuall) ho/ers "n *ront o* h"s mouth and *or a r"e* moment el"e/e he%s heard me$ ut then

the *ood goes "n and he takes a mass"/e "te$ sp"ll"ng gra"ns o* r"ce onto h"s plate' would pout "* ph)s"call) poss" le ut m) suddenl) dour mood "s l"*ted when he pushes h"msel* up *rom the couch$ st"llchew"ng h"s *ood and walks across the room to turn on h"s rad"o' Punching %n 7 'ream "s &ust end"ng and

tap m) m"ss"ng hands on m) m"ss"ng knees' lo+e th"s song'A*ter d"nner ;loan washes h"s d"shes and though encourage h"m to w"pe them o** and put them awa)$

he lea/es them out to a"r dr) on a large hand towel "nstead' ;o mo/e on to the ne t chore' t takes a hal*hour o* m) nagg"ng to con/"nce h"m to do laundr) ut e/entuall) he ca/es and drops h"s nearl) *ull ottleo* laundr) soap on the top o* the heap"ng hamper w"th o /"ous d"spleasure'

(he laundr) room "s a short walk downsta"rs and across the court)ard' (hank*ull) "t%s empt) when heenters$ ecause there are onl) two sets o* mach"nes' >e o/er


41/82

ust as ;loan slams the washer l"d down$ a woman "n her th"rt"es comes "nto the small room andthumps her laundr) asket onto the counter' A )oung o) a out *"/e )ears old "s entw"ned around herlegs$ o /"ousl) sh) around ;loan'

#Are )ou us"ng oth mach"nes?+ she asks h"m w"th a sm"le'#,h$ no' (h"s one%s *ree'+>e gestures to the empt) washer and steps as"de so she can dump her clothes "nto "t' (he o) "s st"ll

wrapped t"ghtl) around her ut sends a u"ck sm"rk "n ;loan%s d"rect"on' *eel a st"rr"ng "n h"m as hewatches the pa"r'

#(hanks + she sa)s e*ore lea/"ng the room as her o) runs "nto the corner o* the court)ard' A plast"ctruck "s wa"t"ng *or h"m "n the d"rt order o* a *lower ed'

;loan watches them through the w"ndow *or a *ew m"nutes and know he "s th"nk"ng a out h"s mother'>e m"sses her ut he%s also /er) angr) w"th her st"ll' ;he a andoned h"m "n a sense$ le*t h"m when heneeded her most'

0o won#er you ha+e no functional female relationships.>e snorts$ as "* th"nk"ng o* someth"ng *unn) ut can%t catch what "t "s' F/entuall) he turns awa) *rom

the w"ndow w"th the /"ew o* the mom who "s s"tt"ng near her son as he pla)s w"th h"s dump truckcare*ull) maneu/er"ng around the planted Der era a"s"es so as not to d"stur them' ;loan *"nds an oldmaga."ne to *l"p through and when the u..er on the washer goes o**$ he hops down *rom the counter andtosses h"s clothes "nto the dr)er'

t w"ll e at least an hour e*ore the) are dr)$ so we head ack up the sta"rs to the second *loor o* thecomple ' ,* course ;loan plops down onto the couch and turns on the (I' wa"t unt"l he%s completel)engrossed "n a restaurant makeo/er show e*ore start m) orage o* uest"ons'

Who are your frien#s?What are your passions?*an you e+er forgi+e yourself for Mick s #eath?Why the gun, )loan? wa"t pat"entl) as h"s m"nd ponders through the answers slowl)' r"ends he trusts no one' Ier)

=ulder o* h"m$ ut get "t' Pass"ons O that%s d"**"cult he remem ers tak"ng gu"tar classes when he was)ounger ut a*ter ="ck well$ e/er)th"ng sort o* stopped a*ter the acc"dent' ,ther than random se w"th

strangers$ he hasn%t had much o* a pass"on "n )ears' !ut he l"kes nature$ he l"kes e"ng outdoors wh"ch "swh) he doesn%t m"nd us"ng the "ke as h"s ma"n *orm o* transportat"on' >"s m"nd sk"ms d"rectl) o/er thetop"c o* *org"/eness w"thout pause' (he gun he spends a cons"dera le amount o* t"me ponder"ng th"suest"on' %/e heard the same commerc"al *or to"let owl cleaner three t"mes e*ore he%s done'

&ou nee# to get ri# of the gun, )loan.# o$ not )et'+

%f you keep it, you won t heal. &ou ha+e to let it go.#(here%s noth"ng to let go o*' o one needs me here'+And there "t "s' (he real reason he *eels a andoned$ needed ) no one alone 'That s not true. % m sure it s not.#(here%s noth"ng *or me here' o one'+

&ou ha+e me, % m here with you.>e drags h"s shak) hands down h"s *ace and s"ghs hea/"l)' #(h"s talk"ng to )oursel* th"ng has gotta

stop$ ;loan$+ he sa)s w"th an empt) laugh'&ou #on t ha+e to talk $ack, ust listen.>e pounds h"s *"sts "nto h"s temple tw"ce and know he%s done *or the n"ght' u"et and let h"s m"nd

wander once aga"n to the (I' %t s okay. There s no rush.!) the t"me he heads ack downsta"rs to retr"e/e h"s clothes$ %m lost "n thought' (h"s "s hard' (r)"ng to

p"ck a pathwa) to steer h"m onto w"thout completel) tak"ng awa) h"s *ree


42/82

then remem er the o he has ur"ed "n the ack o* h"s closet and get an "dea' t m"ght not work$ "n *act"t m"ght acke doesn%t touch the all or cap' !ut he

la)s the 9a#er, -um$le$ee and small metal cars out on the ed' A*ter *"nger"ng each o* them lo/"ngl)$ hescoops them up us"ng the ottom o* h"s te%s tr)"ng to sm"le he "s

so ner/ous';he laughs and her short londe ha"r ounces on her shoulders as she nods at h"m' #@es$ remem er'

:hat can do *or )ou$ ;loan?+#,h' :ell'B >e opens up the *ront o* h"s sh"rt to show her the to)s through the screen' ;he ra"ses an

e)e row at h"m$ con*used$ and oth ;loan and Gaundr) =om &ump when her son s ueals eh"nd her legs'>e%s peek"ng at ;loan *rom etween her knees'

#Are those *or me + t%s not u"te a uest"on$ more an e c"ted declarat"on and ;loan gr"ns down at h"m'#:ell$ )es "* "t%s alr"ght w"th )our mom'+ >e looks up at her$ to see her sm"l"ng'

#Are those reall) *or h"m?+ she sa)s w"th a laugh as she struggles to keep her )oung son *romscram l"ng out the *l"ms) screen door' F/entuall) she stoops to l"*t h"m and props h"m e pertl) on herh"p'

#@eah$ the) used to elong to well$ don%t need them an)more'+ ;loan "s at a loss *or words'Gaundr) =om can%t hold onto her s u"rm"ng o) an)more and she opens the screen$ *ree"ng h"m *rom

her arms at the same t"me' not"ce her r"ng *"nger "s are' )ingle mom? ;loan s uats down and opens h"ssh"rt up once aga"n to show the cur"ous o) the small collect"on o* cars' >e%s most "nterested "n the

-um$le$ee to) and that%s the *"rst th"ng he snatches and drags across the ground' ;loan watches h"m w"thch"ld


43/82

;loan nods slowl) and stands so that Gaundr) =om can gather the rest o* the to)s *rom h"s sh"rt' >er lush deepens when she catches a gl"mpse o* h"s e posed a domen and %m sure she%s en&o)"ng how lowh"s &eans hang on h"s narrow and de*"ned h"ps'

#:ow$ thanks$+ she sa)s'# o pro lem' (he) were &ust s"tt"ng "n m) closet' "gure )our o) here can ha/e some *un w"th them'+#,h$ he w"ll prom"se$+ she laughs so*tl)'#,ka) then$ see )ou around'+ ;loan acks awa) *rom the door and steps care*ull) around the o)$ who

"s happ"l) turn"ng -um$le$ee around "n c"rcles on the : PF @, - PA:; mat'#;ure on laundr) da)s'+ ;he w"nks at h"m$ and th"nk she%s *l"rt"ng'Whoa now, calm #own Mrs. *ougar. He s at least fifteen years your unior!;loan laughs and reaches down to ru**le the small o)%s ha"r' (he ch"ld looks up at h"m r"e*l) and

stutters out a happ) thanks when prompted ) h"s mother'As we walk ack to the apartment *eel someth"ng d"**erent "ns"de ;loan a l"ghtness o* sorts' am

sure "t%s a good th"ng$ so pra"se h"m *or e"ng strong enough to go through ="ck%s o and *or e"ng ra/e enough to *"nall) let some o* h"m go'

A*ter ;loan cl"m s "nto ed$ he tosses and turns *or almost an hour e*ore *all"ng asleep' w"sh couldsleep too when the darkness surrounds me$ ut know there%s more work to do' ;loan has made a lot o*

progress ut he%s nowhere near clear o* danger' ot w"th that gun around'


44/82

, A/T+R 11

t takes &ust o/er a week *or ;loan to get "nto the ha "t o* runn"ng e/er) morn"ng w"thout m) nagg"ngh"m *"rst th"ng at dawn' t takes another week *or h"m to cons"stentl) put h"s d"rt) clothes "nto the hamperand not use the *loor' %/e een on ass"gnment w"th ;loan *or almost three weeks and he *eels l"ghter$ notas we"ghed down ) h"s sadness'

(oda) "s h"s da) o** and "nstead o* turn"ng on the (I and park"ng h"msel* on the couch w"th a g"ant o o* del"/er) p"..a across h"s lap$ he%s clean"ng the apartment' Ama."ngl)$ th"s "s not m) do"ng' >e hasa date' :ell$ sort o*'

Gaundr) =om turned cougar "s com"ng o/er w"th her son Da e *or d"nner' t wasn%t e actl) what wase pect"ng when spent three da)s urg"ng h"m to "n/"te a *r"end o/er to hang out' don%t reall) l"ke the*l"rt) looks the s"ngle mom g"/es ;loan ut she%s a person he%s w"ll"ng to make h"s *r"end' And th"s "s agood th"ng'

%f % knew you # actually clean your apartment for a guest, % woul# ha+e trie# to get you to throw a party weeks ago.

help h"m p"ck out season"ngs *or the spaghett" sauce and rem"nd h"m when "t%s t"me to pull the garl"c read *rom the o/en' G"/"ng w"th onl) m) ad *or a *ew )ears de*"n"tel) made me more o* a *ood"e' w"sh had apprec"ated that ack then' (nough1not a$out you, remem$er, Piper? turn m) thoughtsawa) *rom home and ack to d"nner'

:hen a so*t knock on the door "s *ollowed ) a *lurr) o* shorter knocks elow the door kno $ ;loan "ssl"d"ng the rest o* the chopped /egg"es o** the cutt"ng oard and "nto the owl o* lettuce'

# ust a sec + he hollers across the small apartment' t smells o* lemon Pine:)ol and tal"an *ood' w"sh could taste "t' % #o miss goo# foo#.

>e w"pes h"s hands on a towel and throws "t o/er h"s shoulder w"th a *l"ck o* h"s wr"st' catch h"sre*lect"on on the glass *ront o* the m"crowa/e as he walks )' >"s sm"le would send sh"/ers down m)sp"ne$ "* "t was connected to me st"ll' (he hand towel looks as "* "t s alwa)s een at home$ draped o/er thetop o* h"s upper od) he%s gett"ng more con*"dant "n the k"tchen$ "t su"ts h"m'

)ee that : you look like a $ona:fi#e chef now!

#>"'+ >e sm"les pol"tel) as he opens the door and "n/"tes the e pectant duo "n'Da e gra s at h"s legs momentar"l) *or a u"ck hug e*ore runn"ng around the small l"/"ng area$ *"nall)

settl"ng on the couch w"th h"s 'arth 9a#er and -um$le$ee to)s' can see ulges on oth s"des o* h"s &eansand assume he has also stashed some o* the match o cars "nto h"s pockets' >e reall) "s a cute k"d'

# rought some dessert w"ne' d"dn%t know "* )ou l"ke wh"te or red'+Cougar =om hands h"m the ottle o* ch"lled =oscato and he sm"les at her wh"le he carr"es "t "nto the

k"tchen' *eel st"rr"ngs "ns"de h"m as he lets h"s m"nd wander' >e%s actuall) "mag"n"ng her w"thout herclothes on t%s e/en eas) *or me to do$ s"nce she%s wear"ng a /er) short summer sk"rt w"th a gau.)slee/eless top' (he outl"ne o* her a )< lue ra "s clearl) de*"ned' (h"s "s ,( what )ou wear to a*r"endl)e sm"les at her aga"n$ can tell ecause she ats her e)elashes at h"m "n response' &es, % know his

smiles are ri#iculously se6y, $ut get o+er it woman, he s too young for you! scowl "nwardl)' %m tapp"ngm) m"ss"ng *oot "rr"ta l) and somewhere m) a*ter


45/82

% know it s $een awhile, )loan. -ut come on. )he s almost ol# enough to $e your mom!Da e adores ;loan and spends hal* the meal tr)"ng to cl"m "nto h"s lap' At *"rst ;loan seems surpr"sed

) the close contact$ ut he%s reall) rather good w"th ch"ldren and somehow he%s a le to get the o) toeat at least a th"rd o* h"s meal$ "nclud"ng three p"eces o* lettuce and a tomato wedge'

:hen Da e saunters awa) *rom the ta le to s"t on the couch *or a late e/en"ng /"ew"ng o* )ponge-o$,;and) makes her *"rst mo/e' t%s a su tle gesture ut "t r"pples through ;loan l"ke a &olt o* l"ghten"ng' canalmost smell the charred remnants o* m) "mag"nar) ha"r as m) head ursts "nto *lame somewhere *arawa) *rom here'

>e "s star"ng down at h"s lap$ where her pet"te hand "s rest"ng &ust "ns"de the top o* h"s th"gh wh"le shelaughs$ "n the m"ddle o* some stor) lost "nterest "n nearl) hal* an hour ago' !ack at the ;tat"on$ m)mouth gapes at her' *eel ;loan%s hearte%s currentl) preoccup"ed w"th ;and)%s sheer top' >er small reasts s"t up a "t too h"gh and assume "t%s mostl) padd"ng mak"ng her look that perk)' almost want h"m to str"p her clothes o** so hecan e d"sappo"nted ) her lack o* real reasts'

#:ant more w"ne?+ As he stands$ her hand slowl) sl"des o** h"s leg'#;ure$+ she purrs'#>ow d"d )ou l"ke d"nner?+ >e "s now "n the k"tchen$ re*"ll"ng her w"ne glass' not"ce he doesn%t top

o** h"s own')mart choice, )loan.#,h$ ;loan$ "t was great @ou%re such a tease + ;he has turned "n the cha"r to *ace h"m and he watches

as she slowl) uncrosses$ then re


46/82

# t%s late' should pro a l) take h"m home'+ ;he stares at ;loan *or a moment too long$ wa"t"ng *or a protest$ ma) e?

)en# her home, )loan.#Can help )ou?+ he asks$ gestur"ng to Da e'# o$ carr) h"m all the t"me'+ ;he sm"les e*ore t"lt"ng upward and plant"ng a so*t k"ss on ;loan%s

cheek her *"ngers caress the muscles o* h"s "ceps wh"le she slowl) pulls awa)' #(h"s was reall) n"ce'=a) e ne t t"me we can do "t at m) place$ s"nce Da e has h"s own room'+

>er "mpl"cat"on "s not lost on e"ther o* us' %m *um"ng'#,ka)$ sure'+ >e agrees a "t too eagerl) and then walks them to the door ;and) w"th her arms *ull

o* Da e%s sleep"ng od)$ and ;loan$ so*tl) chew"ng on h"s lower l"p'#(hanks$ aga"n' had a great n"ght'+#=e too'+ >"s answer "s short and s"mple$ ut h"s /o"ce "s husk) w"th emot"on'"h crap. % think he really likes her. F/en though know "t%s /er) wrong$ can%t help ut *eel a *"er)

pang o* &ealousl) sl"ce through me' t%s l"ke a dagger to m) heart' tr) hard to push th"s *eel"ng as"de' should e encourag"ng new relat"onsh"ps$ not hop"ng to keep ;loan all to m)sel*' t%s not appropr"ate$ know th"s'

;and) sm"les roadl)$ e*ore turn"ng to walk down the open hall to the concreteuh$+ he sa)s oute hasn%t thought o* the gun "n da)s'>e%s learn"ng to take care o* h"s od) O "nternall) and e ternall)$ wh"ch makes h"m happ)' >e%s mak"ng*r"ends too e/en "* the) happen to e older$ se e%d ne/er hurt her' !ut shedoesn%t understand$ not e/en a teen) "t$ how messed up ;loan "s' know "t all$ and don%t th"nk she canhandle "t' wonder "* an)one reall) could' t would ha/e to e the per*ect woman' Per*ect'

% hope you fin# her, the girl of your #reams1$ecause if anyone #eser+es to $e happy, it s you, )loan. sa/e m) near deluge o* repr"mand"ng *or another t"me' (on"ght$ %ll let h"m sleep "n peace' Plus$

ha/e to make a plan *or the ne t *ew weeks' can *eel the darkness "n ;loan e "ng awa)$ and m) graspon h"m "s sl"pp"ng' can tell now that our connect"on "sn%t as strong' %m not sure how h"s case w"ll close

ut know want to lea/e h"m w"th the est poss" le *uture can' won%t *a"l h"m'


47/82

, A/T+R 12

(he wet pa/ement sparkles l"ke gl"tter wh"le the sun eats down on "t a*ter the second downpour o* theweek' ne/er "mag"ned a c"t) could look so eaut"*ul a*ter a ra"nstorm$ ut the h"lls o* ;an ranc"scosh"ne and sh"mmer l"ke someth"ng ethereal' ;loan takes the streets a "t slower now$ en&o)"ng h"s "ker"des$ ut also more aware o* the dangers o* speed"ng recklessl)' >e%s start"ng to come around to the "deathat he may not want to d"e &ust )et'

:e pass the *am"l"ar corner w"th the maga."ne stand and osR wa/es at ;loan *rom eh"nd the co/er o*a ;pan"sh People maga."ne' ;loan wa/es ack o* course and not long a*ter we are pull"ng up "n *ront o*)team ' %m so *am"l"ar w"th the &o ) now that %m certa"n could e a master !ar"sta ack at the;tat"on "* the) had espresso there' %m sure can e/en do the l"ttle latte *lower art w"th m) e)es closedthat%s how con*"dant am'

(he lad"es o* the ne"gh orhood Land some that %m sure don%t l"/e an)where near )M *lock to the shopl"ke crack "s sl"pped "nto the co**ee ) the ta lespoon' ;loan "s much more rela ed around the *orwardwomen$ wh"ch "s great *or h"m "n the long run$ ut h"s change "n att"tude$ and h"s *r"endl"er demeanorclearl) g"/es some o* them hope that ;loan m"ght actuall) call the num er the) sl"p to h"m on the ack o*the"r us"ness cards and co**ee rece"pts' And he won t$ know he won t'

tr) to tell m)sel* "t%s not all ;and)%s do"ng ut %d e l)"ng' (he) see each other almost e/er) da)ha/"ng meals together at least tw"ce a week' And th"s weekend Da e w"ll e sta)"ng w"th h"sgrandparents' %m a l"ttle *reaked out'

(ra"n"ng was supposed to prepare all Iolunteers *or e per"enc"ng se through the"r ass"gnments ut trul) do not want to go there w"th ;loan and ;and)' ot onl) does she anno) me "ncessantl) ut don%tth"nk she%s r"ght *or h"m$ and e/en though r"ght now he seems a "t happ"er$ "t won%t last' And then what?:hat "* someth"ng happens etween them a*ter %m alread) gone? can%t stand the thought o* ;and)hurt"ng ;loan ut "t seems "ne/"ta le' ,* course O he doesn%t agree at all' >e%s on a ;and)"$ son'+ e"ther men mo/e$ the) &ust stare at each other' "nall) the !ar "e tw"ns e "t the co**ee shop and one

o* them hollers out a good )e to ;loan$ wh"ch seems to snap h"m ack to real"t)' >e shu**les ner/ousl) onh"s *eet as he care*ull) leans the "ke handle ars aga"nst h"s th"gh' May$e he s not going to $olt, after all?

#:hat are )ou do"ng here?+ ;loan asks the uest"on w"th surpr"se$ ut not anger'


48/82

#@our g"rl*r"end told me where )ou work and wanted to see )ou'+ >e looks ner/ous$ and rolls thenewspaper "n h"s hands unt"l the paper threatens to tear'

#=) g"rl*r"end?+ ;loan "s shocked$ r"ghtl) so e/en though know e6actly who h"s stepe gr"ps h"s *"ngert"ps "nto the handle ars so t"ghtl) %m a*ra"d the)

m"ght snap o** l"ke dr) tw"gs' (he race etween h"s heart and lungs has ceased and as h"s heart rate plummets$ %m a*ra"d he%s not reath"ng at all'

)loan! *rap! -reathe1$en# o+er : stick your hea# $etween your knees1something! - (7TH(!>"s "ke t"lts to the s"de suddenl) and crashes loudl) onto the cur as ;loan leans "nto h"s th"ghs$

lower"ng h"s head etween h"s legs'#;loan Are )ou oka)? +(he newspaper *alls w"th a *lour"sh to the concrete and *lops open to the sports page$ wh"le ;tep< ad

rushes to ;loan%s s"de and helps h"m to a us ench not *ar *rom the *ront door o* the co**ee house'# %m *"ne'+ >e sounds shak)$ not *"ne to me'#Dood lord$ )ou ga/e me a scare'+;tep< ad "s s"tt"ng on the edge o* the ench$ r"ght ne t to ;loan$ patt"ng h"s knee reassur"ngl)$ and now

know wh) he%s so *am"l"ar he has ="ck%s e)es and mouth' (he onl) memor"es ;loan has w"th h"s stepe looks up at ;loan then and can *eel "t$ the urn"ng hot sensat"on that roarsaround "ns"de h"m ;loan "s cr)"ng' % want to cr)' also want to launch m)sel* out o* ;loan%s m"nd andslap the hell out o* th"s man

&ou a$an#one# him! &ou left him with his #runk of a mother, when you all nee#e# each other. &ou lefthim alone!

;loan starts to sa) someth"ng ut the ser/er arr"/es at the ta le and sets three plates "n *ront o* them';pr"ng rolls s"t "n a t"n) mounta"n at the center o* the ta le$ steam"ng del"c"ousl)' really m"ss *ood'

or what seems l"ke hours ut "s pro a l) onl) ten m"nutes$ the) eat awkwardl)' Chew"s hand "s shak"ng sl"ghtl) as he reaches *or h"s cup' #=) octor urged me to see )ou$+ he

pauses to clear h"s throat$ #to sa) sorr) and good )e'+#Are )ou k"dd"ng me?+ (he anger "n ;loan%s /o"ce surpr"ses the older man' #@ou walk out on mom

and me$ and let her k"ll hersel* w"th oo.e$ now )ou come ack &ust to sa) good )e?+

(he tens"on etween them rad"ates outward l"ke a nuclear cloud and soon other d"ners eg"n to stare atour ta le' (he ser/er returns to *"ll the"r water glasses and asks "* the) would l"ke dessert$ though ne"therhas *"n"shed the"r heap"ng plates o* *ood )et' A*ter the short man scurr"es awa) a*ter e"ng unpleasantl)d"sm"ssed$ ;tep< ad nods slowl)$ and speaks'

#@ou ha/e e/er) r"ght to e angr)$ e/er) r"ght to hate me' thought hated )ou *or a long t"me' !utthe truth "s "t could ha/e een me that caused that acc"dent' t could ha/e een an)one'+ >e r"skslook"ng up at ;loan'

*eel the tears com"ng aga"n' # %m so sorr)$+ "t%s arel) a o/e a wh"sper$ ;loan%s /o"ce' G"ke a ch"ld%s';tep< ad "s nodd"ng' # know$ son' know' :e oth m"ss h"m'+


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, A/T+R 13

:e spend the rest o* the da) w"th ;tep< ad' >e has a *l"ght to catch late "n the e/en"ng and thegood )es are hard *or e/er)one' %m sure ;loan%s t"ght hugs are go"ng to lea/e wr"nkles "n ;tep< ad%sl"ght< lue l"nen sh"rt' %/e ne/er seen ;loan a**ect"onate l"ke th"s' can tell that the"r relat"onsh"p was agood one$ e*ore ="ck%s death'

# %m glad )ou came'+#=e too$+ ;tep< ad repl"es so*tl)'#Are )ou sure )ou don%t want me to come /"s"t$ )ou know later?+ ;loan "s re*err"ng to the upcom"ng

hosp"tal sta) and ;tep< ad nods stu ornl)'# o' @ou sta) here$ l"/e )our l"*e and l"/e "t well' want us oth to remem er toda)$ not the last *ew

)ears$ or me wast"ng awa) to noth"ng' ,ka)?+;loan nods$ sm"l"ng weakl)' (h"s "s closure *or h"m and e/en though he s hurt"ng O and hurt"ng adl)$

th"nk he w"ll e oka)' :e r"de across town "n a ca and ;tep< ad drops us o** "n *ront o* ;loan%sapartment' :h"le the dr"/er hops out o* the *ront seat to pull the "ke *rom the trunk$ the clouds partsl"ghtl) *rom the sk) and dew) sune s u"rms uncom*orta l) under the co/ers unt"l

he%s *lat on h"s ack$ w"th an arm tucked under h"s head$ eneath the p"llow' *eel a sm"le spread acrossh"s *ace and w"sh that he was look"ng "nto the m"rror so could en&o) the d"spla) o* happ"ness that makesh"s alread) attract"/e *eatures spectacular'

emem$er that time when you were fourteen an# you took Mick to the park to play catch? The sun wasup high an# the $reeze that flowe# through the trees ma#e the park seem ali+e. %t smelle# like fresh:cut

grass an# wil#flowers. &ou were there for so long that your parents came looking for you, thinking something $a# ha# happene#. &ou saw them $efore Mick #i#, so you tol# him to run long an# threw the$all #irectly at your #a#. &ou #i#n t think that Mick woul# actually catch it, $eing as uncoor#inate# as hewas, $ut he #i#. His glo+e# han# close# aroun# the $all perfectly an# he umpe# up an# #own with oy.


51/82

When he realize# your parents were ust $ehin# him an# ha# seen his catch, it was all he talke# a$out forweeks. %t was one of your fa+orite memories with him, remem$er? &ou still ha+e that glo+e an# $all.

;loan rose *rom under the co/ers and went stra"ght to the closet$ )pass"ng h"s usual morn"ng rout"neo* spend"ng eons dra"n"ng h"s ladder and dragg"ng h"s long *"ngers through h"s ha"r t"ll h"s scalp t"ngled'>e r"*led around unt"l he *ound th

dying to forget book 1 of the station series

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