dr. mckellar - perfectly imperfect

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Cultivating the Art of the Perfectly Imperfect John D. McKellar, PhD Private Practice SF Bay Area Bay Area Pain and Wellness Center

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Page 1: Dr. McKellar - Perfectly Imperfect

Cultivating the Art of the Perfectly Imperfect

John D. McKellar, PhDPrivate Practice SF Bay Area

Bay Area Pain and Wellness Center

Page 2: Dr. McKellar - Perfectly Imperfect

Definition 1 Perfectionism• A perfectionist is one whose standards are high beyond

reach or reason and one who strains unremittingly toward impossible goals -who measures their own worth entirely in terms of productivity and accomplishment.(Burns 1980)

Page 3: Dr. McKellar - Perfectly Imperfect

Definition 2 Perfectionism• Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your

best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It’s a shield. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight. (Brene’ Brown, 2009)

Page 4: Dr. McKellar - Perfectly Imperfect

The 3 Faces of PerfectionismSelf-Oriented Perfectionism- Having standards for yourself that are unrealistically high and impossible to attain

Other-Oriented Perfectionism- A tendency to demand that other meet your unrealistically high standards. This can lead to unwillingness to delegate tasks.

Socially Prescribed Perfectionism- Tendency to assume that others have expectations of you that are impossible to meet. To gain approval of others these high standards must be met

Page 5: Dr. McKellar - Perfectly Imperfect

Origins of Perfectionism• Genetics- Evidence suggests it is partially inherited (but it can

also be changed…)

• Rewards- Praise from parents, teachers, peers, or supervisors

• Punishment- Criticism, disapproval or severe punishment for small mistakes

• Media- Barrage of images online or on t.v.

• Instruction- Highly critical teachers/mentors

Page 6: Dr. McKellar - Perfectly Imperfect

Striving vs. PerfectionismImportant questions to consider for beliefs or standards:

Is it possible for me to know if I have achieved the goal or met the standard?

Am I sure I need to meet this standard?

Am I able to adjust the goal or standard based upon performance?

Is this belief or standard about finding the best path to a goal or is it about proving my worth?

Page 7: Dr. McKellar - Perfectly Imperfect

Perfectionism is about Worth!

1. Create greater Self Compassion

2. Push back on Fears

3. Goals Vs. Aspirations

Page 8: Dr. McKellar - Perfectly Imperfect

Self Compassion1. Self Kindness- Being warm and kind to our self

when we suffer or fail rather than avoiding feelings or going straight to self-judgment.

2. Common Humanity- Recognize that suffering and self doubt are part of the human condition- you are not alone.

3. Mindfulness- Learn how to observe negative emotions without “over-identifying” with them. Try this link for a brief meditation (http://johndmckellar.com/zone_mindfulness.html)

Kristina Neff (2003)

Page 9: Dr. McKellar - Perfectly Imperfect

Push Back on Fears1. Learn to “lean in” to discomfort and test your

boundaries when self worth is threatened.

2. Don’t cover up mistakes. Shame feeds on our tendency to hide mistakes.

3. Find a “trusted” confidant to share your fears and mistakes

Page 10: Dr. McKellar - Perfectly Imperfect

Goals vs. Aspirations1. Aspirations are not pass fail

2. Aspirations focus our effort to increase learning

3. Monitoring our progress does not indicate success or failure but does allow flexibility

4. Aspirations suggest progress or lack of progress- I am on the right track, or I need to try another door

Page 11: Dr. McKellar - Perfectly Imperfect

Self Worth vs. Self Discovery• Living fully is more about figuring out who we are

than how we should be recognized

• Discovering our talents or gifts is a lifelong process that is only inhibited when we apply standards to ourselves or allows others to do so

• Pursue activities that engage your full attention, make you lose track of time, make you feel more alive ( hint.. “Flow activities”)

Page 12: Dr. McKellar - Perfectly Imperfect

ResourcesThe Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are Brene’ Brown, Hazelden Publishing. 2009