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Writing Effectively
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REVISING FOR CONCISENESS
Revise the following sample sentences
(1 6), making them more concise.
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SAMPLE SENTENCE #1
ORIGINAL: The reason buying a new house is so
difficult is because the process is so complex.
PROBLEM: Redundancy reason is
because
REVISED: Buying a house is so difficult because
the process is so complex.
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SAMPLE SENTENCE #2
ORIGINAL: The first step is to achieve
familiarization with the area in which you plan
to buy.
PROBLEM: Nominalization to achieve
familiarization
REVISED: Buying a house is so difficult becausethe process is so complex.
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SAMPLE SENTENCE #3
ORIGINAL: A realtor who is experienced and well
recommended is a must.
PROBLEM: Unnecessary clause.
REVISED: An experienced, well-recommended
realtor is a must.
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SAMPLE SENTENCE #4
ORIGINAL: Trying to find a low-interest loan
complicates the home-buying situation.
PROBLEM: Roundabout construction using
situation.
REVISED: Trying to find a low-interest loan
complicates buying a home.
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SAMPLE SENTENCE #5
ORIGINAL: It is when you can find a fixed-
interest mortgage loan with single-digit interest
that you should lock it in, rather than settling for
a variable rate loan.
PROBLEM: Unnecessary expletive construction.
REVISED: When you can find a mortgage loan
with a single-digit fixed rate, you should lock it
in, rather than settling for a variable rate loan.
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SAMPLE SENTENCE #6
ORIGINAL: Dont forget that your down payment is only
one part of your closing costs. Closing costs may also
include having the home inspected, prepaying a years
worth of taxes in advance, insuring the house and evenhaving the property surveyed.
PROBLEM: Awkward repetition. Revise by combining
sentences and reducing phrases to single words.
REVISED: Dont forget that your down payment is onlyone part of your closing costs, which may also include
having a home inspected, prepayment of taxes, home
insurance and even a survey.
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REVISING FOR COORDINATION OR
SUBORDINATION
Revise the following sample sentences
(7 12); focus on identifying and
correcting problems of coordination or
subordination.
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SAMPLE SENTENCE #7
ORIGINAL: Joan was 35 and she had not lost her
taste for learning and she wanted to finish her
degree.
PROBLEM: Excessive coordination, unclear
relationships among ideas.
REVISED: Although Joan was 35, she had not
lost her taste for learning and wanted to finish
her degree.
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SAMPLE SENTENCE #8
ORIGINAL: She announced to her husband and children
that she was going back to college. She registered for
classes. She found somebody to carpool with. She went.
She had a few misgivings. She found herself surrounded
by 18-year-olds. She kept at it.
PROBLEM: Sentences are repetitive, primer-style. Needs
subordination to clarify relationships among these ideas.
REVISED: She announced to her husband and children
that she was going back to college, registered forclasses, found somebody to carpool with and went. She
had a few misgivings when she found herself surrounded
by 18-year-olds, but she kept at it.
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SAMPLE SENTENCE #9
ORIGINAL: She had a few early successes, but
she felt she could do it after all.
PROBLEM: Illogical coordination.
REVISED: When she had a few early successes,
she felt she could do it after all.
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SAMPLE SENTENCE #10
ORIGINAL: Although her new status as a student
put a great strain on her family, she often felt
like quitting.
PROBLEM: Illogical coordination.
REVISED: Because her new status as a student
put a great strain on her family, she often feltlike quitting.
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SAMPLE SENTENCE #11
ORIGINAL: Her children adjusted to the shock of
having a college student for a mother, and she
redoubled her efforts.PROBLEM: Unclear - Subordination would make
the connection between ideas clearer.
REVISED: When her children adjusted to theshock of having a college student for a mother,
she redoubled her efforts.
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SAMPLE SENTENCE #12
ORIGINAL: Her family transformed itself into a
support system. She wondered how single
people could manage the workload by
themselves.
PROBLEM: Unclear - Subordination would make
the connection between ideas clearer.
REVISED: As her family transformed itself into asupport system, she wondered how single
people could manage the workload by
themselves.
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REVISING FOR PARALLELISM
Revise the following sample sentences
(13 - 18); focus on identifying and
correcting problems of parallelism.
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SAMPLE SENTENCE #13
ORIGINAL: My fathers boss, losing his temper,
lashed out at my father and my father quit after
running out of patience.
PROBLEM: Unclear - Use parallel construction to
emphasize the contrast.
REVISED: My fathers boss, losing his temper,
lashed out at my father and my father, losing
his patience, quit.
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SAMPLE SENTENCE #14
ORIGINAL: My father had been unprepared for this major
change, which forced him to spend a large portion of
his time around the house performing domestic chores
and leading to what I would call a mid-life crisis.PROBLEM: Performing and leading look parallel, but
arent.
REVISED: My father had been unprepared for this major
change, which forced him to spend a large portion ofhis time around the house performing domestic chores.
His new status led to what I would call a mid-life crisis.
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SAMPLE SENTENCE #15
ORIGINAL: He had lost his job, but his sense of
identity was also gone.
PROBLEM: Improper conjunction Need to use
correlative conjunctions and parallel form.
REVISED: He had lost not only his job, but alsohis identity.
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SAMPLE SENTENCE #16
ORIGINAL: When he wasnt depressed he was
angry: with us, himself, and total strangers.
PROBLEM: Parallel items are not in climacticorder; need to repeat the preposition for
emphasis.
REVISED: When he wasnt depressed he wasangry with strangers, with us, with himself.
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SAMPLE SENTENCE #17
ORIGINAL: He fretted over his financial situation.
The fate of his family concerned him. He also
wondered what he would do next.
PROBLEM: Does not underscore closely related
ideas with parallelism.
REVISED: He fretted over his financial situation,his family and his future.
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SAMPLE SENTENCE #18
ORIGINAL: My father began to regain his footingwhen he met Dr. Elizabeth Randall, aprofessional counselor who listens carefully,does not judge, and that helps her clientsarticulate their own feelings.
PROBLEM: Faulty parallelism.
REVISED: My father began to regain his footingwhen he met Dr. Elizabeth Randall, aprofessional counselor who listens carefully,who does not judge, and who helps her clientsarticulate their own feelings.
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REVISING FOR VARIETY
One sign of an undeveloped style is a
series of simple sentences, all very close
to the same length. Without variety in
length and complexity, they lose the
potential for emphasis.
The result is a flat, unemphatic effect.
An unrelieved string of long, complex
sentences can be equally deadly.
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EXERCISE: CREATING VARIETY
Count the number of words in each of the
sentences in the text given.
Describe each sentences structure: simple,
compound, complex or compound-complex.
Then revise the paragraph for variety andemphasis.
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VARIETY EXERCISE TEXT
(1) After the funeral, the family of the deceased has to go
into mourning. (2) In Judaism, this period of mourning is
called Shiva. (3) This lasts for seven days. (4) Upon
returning home, the familys mirrors have been covered so
they cannot look at themselves. (5) A candle is lit for the
memory of the departed. (6) Friends and neighbors supply
the family with eggs as a traditional symbol of mourning. (7)
During the period of mourning, the persons thoughts are
considered to be involved only with the deceased, and themourners are expected to do nothing for themselves. (8)
The making and serving of meals and other household
tasks are done by friends.
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VARIETY EXERCISE TEXT (cont)
(9) The role of friends and relatives is to comfort themourners. (10) During the Shiva the mourners do not leavethe house and the Kaddish or mourners prayer is saidtwice a day by those in mourning. (11) A thirty-day
mourning period is in effect if any close relative dies. (12) Ifit is a parent the period of mourning lasts a year. (13) At theend of the year the family must go to another service calledthe unveiling. (14) This is where the gravestone isuncovered after being covered for a year. (15) A prayer is
said at the gravesite where friends and relatives aregathered. (16) Yahrzeit is the anniversary of the deceased.(17) A memorial candle is lit annually to commemorate thepersons death.
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ANALYSIS FOR VARIETY OF SENTENCE
LENGTH AND STRUCTURE
Sentence number # of words Structure
1. 13 simple
2. 9 simple
3. 5 simple
4. 15 complex
5. 10 simple
6. 14 simple7. 27 compound
8. 14 simple
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ANALYSIS FOR VARIETY OF SENTENCE
LENGTH AND STRUCTURE
Sentence number # of words Structure
9. 11 simple
10. 25 compound
11. 12 simple
12. 12 complex
13. 16 simple
14. 13 complex15. 14 complex
16. 7 simple
17. 11 simple
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REVISED FOR VARIETY
After the Jewish funeral, the family of the deceased goes
into a seven-day period of mourning, known as Shiva.
During Shiva, a candle is lit in memory of the departed;
friends and neighbors supply the family with eggs, atraditional symbol of mourning. As family members are
expected to think only of the deceased, their mirrors are
covered so they cannot look at themselves. Nor are they
expected to do anything for themselves: meals are made
and served and other household tasks performed by
friends and relatives, whose role it is to aid and comfort the
mourners.
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REVISED FOR VARIETY (cont)
During Shiva the mourners do not leave the house. Twice a
day, they repeat the Kaddish or mourners prayer. If the
deceased was a close relative, the entire period of
mourning lasts thirty days; if a parent, one year. At the end
of that year the family attends an unveiling service where
the gravestone, covered for the year, is uncovered.
Friends and relatives say a prayer at the gravesite. In
subsequent years at Yahrzeit, the anniversary of the death,
the family lights a memorial candle.
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VINCENT VAN GOGHS FIRST STEPS
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FIRST STEPS: WRITING AS PROCESS
EXERCISE
Van Gogh (1853 -
1890), whose lurid
colors and bold brush
strokes often bring tomind a rush of
adrenalin, tries here
to capture that
excitement.
Prepare to use the
four process steps to
write about the
painting: Planning and
Shaping
Drafting
Revising
Editing
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Look at the wholepicture.
What visual
parallels do yousee?
What contrasts?
What happened
right before thismoment?
Right after?
Of all the milestones in achilds development, nothing- except possibly the firstsmile or the first words -
causes as much excitementas the first steps.
How do you convey that levelof excitement in words,without using capitalization,
underlining or exclamationmarks?
How much can you capturewith sentence structurealone?
PLANNING AND SHAPING
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DRAFTING
Draft a paragraph that leads up to the
climactic moment of this childs first steps.
Establish the setting, then focus on theadults, then the child, then the actual first
step.
Try to capture the parents excitement.
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EDITING
Reread your paragraph, checking for
correctness of sentence structure,
grammar, spelling, and punctuation.
Make any necessary changes.
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DISCUSSION
Compare the two paragraphs you have
written.
Which one does a better job of capturing
the excitement of the moment?
Why?