The Expat is Speaking Elementary Level Vietnamese
most fluently
In a small artsy looking café somewhere near the storied/
fabled/ legendary/ iconic Hoan Kiem Lake in Hanoi, a male
expat is speaking elementary level Vietnamese most
fluently on his mobile phone.
He is doing this quite loudly as he wants to impress the
two rather ravishing, well-heeled young local women who
moments ago strutted in to this cafe as if they owned the
place (and maybe they do). The expat had expected a bit of
eye contact and he probably would have been content with
that. It would have been enough to have encouraged him to
linger over his coffee a little longer, or maybe order another
juice. But as they hadn't even deigned to glance at him he
had felt quite affronted not just on a personal level but as a
representative of a whole tribe of resident expats who have
taken the trouble to learn how to speak elementary
level most fluently.
That's why he had pulled out his phone and called his
mechanic a minute ago. By speaking elementary level
Vietnamese most fluently (he is basically telling his
mechanic his motorbike is broken, asking if he can come to
fix it sometime this afternoon and giving his address), he is
making a point to these uppity women that: 1) He is not a
tourist! 2) He is a long-term resident! 3) As elementary-level
Vietnamese speakers go in this town, he is very possibly
one of the most fluent—certainly top 5! 4) Next time they
see him, they should glance flirtatiously at him, if not go a
little further, perhaps even say (in very clear, easy-to--
understand Vietnamese) "Anh oi, you're most impressive...
who are you, what do you do, et cetera et cetera…" and
well, who knows where things would go from there but let's
not rule out 12 events in the Bedroom Olympics with at
least one of these women.
After he has given his address for the third time to his
mechanic, the expat ends the call. He notes, without
looking, the two women have stopped chatting. No doubt
they have been stunned into this rare period of silence by
his most fluent elementary level Vietnamese. With his task
accomplished, the expat stands up and in that ever-so-
slightly-grumpy-Hanoi-way-that's-completely-acceptable-
in-Hanoi he tells the mousy, 15-year-old waitress with a t-
shirt that says "ALL THIS BUT BRAINS TOO" to calculate
his bill.
He imagines the whole time the women are furtively
checking him out. In his mind, their continuing silence
basically implies they're thinking: Who is the impressively
authoritative foreign man with such a command of our
language and our culture? I WANT ONE! I WANT ONE, TOO!
The waitress very quietly places a piece of paper on the
table and without looking the expat slaps down VND50,000
as if money is no object to people like him. He then steps
outside, quickly mounts his motorbike, and drives onto the
road where he attempts an awkward looking U-turn which
involves trying to avoid a broom sticking out of a street
cleaner's wheelie-bin and a pair of socked feet jutting out of
a parked taxi’s window.
Out of the corner of his eye he can see the waitress waving
at him as he completes his U-turn. She is holding the
VND50,000 note in the air and saying something. No doubt
she's trying to return the leftover change. He raises his
hand and waves her away. He also notes the two women
are looking at him and laughing as he drives away. He
assumes they are all flabbergasted at his most
fluent elementary level Vietnamese not to mention his
flagrant generosity but actually it's because the waitress is
trying to tell him he hasn't left enough money for his ca phe
sua da and an orange juice, the latter of which costs
VND50,000 alone.
Oblivious to his error, the expat man rides away with his
back straight, feeling both quite manly and rather
knowledgeable. After he drives around the corner, he
remembers he needs to call his mechanic to cancel the
pick-up. He pulls up on the pavement and nails this very
short conversation so perfectly that he wishes someone else
overheard it other than a 75-year old green tea and
cigarette vendor who had nothing else to do but listen to
him. Although, he would note at least she was most
impressed by his elementary level Vietnamese which is
most fluent.