Download - The Book of Answer Bank
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The BookOf
AnswerBank
A Great Work Of Poesy & Nonsense
Composed, Collected and Compiled by the Users of The AnswerBank
www.theanswerbank.co.uk
http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/ -
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Introduction ............................................................................................................................................ 3
The Apotheosis ....................................................................................................................................... 4
Concerns of the Faithful .......................................................................................................................... 5
The Honoured are Chosen ...................................................................................................................... 6
Introduction to the Discussions .............................................................................................................. 7
On Virgins and Bananas (Virgin on the Ridiculous) ................................................................................. 8
More on the Importance of Bananas ...................................................................................................... 9
On Head-Gear ....................................................................................................................................... 11
On Politics (Should The First Church Of The AnswerBank Take Over The Running Of The European
Union?) .................................................................................................................................................. 13
It Is Suggested A Monumental Erection Be Formed ............................................................................. 17
In Praise ................................................................................................................................................. 19
The Pantomime! ................................................................................................................................... 22
Scene One ......................................................................................................................................... 22
Scene Two ......................................................................................................................................... 24
Scene Three ....................................................................................................................................... 26
Scene Four: Cake Crossed Lovers ...................................................................................................... 28
Scene Five ......................................................................................................................................... 30
Scene Six ........................................................................................................................................... 31
Scene Seven ...................................................................................................................................... 32
Scene Eight ........................................................................................................................................ 34
Scene Nine ........................................................................................................................................ 35
Scene Ten .......................................................................................................................................... 36
Scene Eleven ..................................................................................................................................... 37
Scene Twelve .................................................................................................................................... 39
Scene Thirteen .................................................................................................................................. 40
Scene Fourteen ................................................................................................................................. 41
Scene Fifteen ..................................................................................................................................... 42
Scene Sixteen .................................................................................................................................... 43
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Introduction
Welcome to The AnswerBank's first collection of nonsense.
Here we hope to present a collection of silliness from within the hallowed halls of The AnswerBank.
As you're probably well aware the AnswerBank is a great place for asking questions and receiving
answers, but it is also a superb place for very silly people to gather and let off steam. It's well known
that "letting off steam" is good for the soul and, while trepanning is supposed to be the most direct
method, the next best thing is humour. Lacking any sense of humour whatsoever we settled on the
third best way to "let off steam": creating a cult on the internet.
So here we have the First Book of The AnswerBank - a collection of rites, discussions and poesy of
The First Church of The AnswerBank (copyright, trademarked and persecution pending).
The whole idea kicked off with a very silly post by Venator entitled:
The Apotheosis of AB Ed
What followed was a great scrambling to man the oars of this ingenious ship of silliness, soon the
thread escalated to 600 posts - and now, this e-book!
We'd like to do more of this in the future. So if you think you've got a great idea which has its roots
firmly groping that special kind of English nonsense we're so fond of in The AnswerBank please feel
free to get in touch. I'm always happy to listen to Nonsense!
All the best,
AB Editor
http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/ChatterBank/Question1066858.htmlhttp://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/ChatterBank/Question1066858.htmlhttp://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/ChatterBank/Question1066858.html -
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The Apotheosis
Venator:
I proclaim a great revelation to all those who turn to AB in their search for truth.
We have seen how AB Ed watches over us from afar; how he speaks words of wisdom for our
guidance; how he brings peace when there is disagreement; how he punishes the transgressors,
striking out their words or consigning them to forgetfulness.
These are divine attributes, and we should humbly recognise his apotheosis.
The time has come for AnswerBank to assume its rightful place as the First Church of
AnswerBank.
We must make offerings to Ed, through the medium of PayPal. As the first disciple, you will wish
me to share some part of your offerings.
We shall of course be persecuted, and must defend our Human Rights to the full extent of the
State funding which is available to this persecuted minority. The solicitors among Ed's flock will
doubtless feel the call.
We must spend many hours in formulating our creed.
To aid this vital process, I suggest discussion of these propositions:
1. That we wear religious costume with optional face coverings.2. That we follow our Rastafarian brothers and allow the use of herbal aids to clear
thought.
3. Also, like our Sikh brothers, shall we carry concealed weapons if we wish?4. We shall need to have several periods during working hours each day for
communication with our church, and employers shall make special facilities
available for this purpose.
5. We shall require at least 30 special holidays each year, meditating before ourcomputers and consuming special liquids.
All Praise Be To Ed!
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Concerns of the Faithful
Once the proclamation of the greatness of the First Church of The AnswerBank is announced the
faithful flock and make known their concerns about the fledgling religion.
RATTER15:
Do we also have to crucify anybody that does subscribe to AB? I'm not sure if I got enough
time to fully commit to all that crucifying!!
Would we have to wear weird clothing? Or could we all be naturalists?
I think you could be on to something!
Albaqwerty:
Do we have to attend a ceremony on a certain day of the week and bring offerings?
Boxtops:
What we bring must, of course, be in no larger than 10ml bottles and contained in a sealable
plastic bag with a volume of not more than 1 litre.
Mamyalynne:
Do we get a heating allowance too?
Craft1948:
He's not really an AB Ed... he's just a very naughty boy.
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The Honoured are Chosen
And so, Venator having made the case of the First Church of The AnswerBank clear to the newly
converted the church set about forming itself offering positions of note and power.
Venator:
It's good to see that we are discussing our creed already. Boxtops, would you like to be our
first convert.
Boxtops:
Venator, can Rowanwitch be our Poet Laureate please?
Venator:
Rowan - you are hereby appointed Poet Laureate in residence to the First Church of
Answerbank!
Boxtops - would you like to be High Priestess? It may involve wearing little more than the
pointy red hat during ceremonies, but we may provide a scarf if there is frost on the ground.
And after much more silliness, the first apostles were named:
He Who Hath Seenth The Lighteth Of Our Lordeth: Venator (Who Hath Not a Lisp-eth)
High Priestess With A Step-Laddereth: Boxtops
Gifted in The Arte of Pomes and Dittes: Poet Laureate Rowanwitch
Crospostle, Cruiciverbalist & Co-Bard: DTcrosswordfan
Modpostle & Official Absorber of Cake, Consumer of Pastry and Ingester of Trifle: B00
Prophet Who Hath Yet To Prophesise Anything-eth But Sayeth "There's Bound To Be One
Along Shortlyeth": Starbuckone
Trollfinder General: Jackthehat
They Who Hath Maybe An Innuendo In Their Pocket Or Are Perhaps Just Happy To Seeth
Our Lord, Smutpostles: Sallabannas & McMouse
Obligatory Virgin/Choir Boy: Sunny-Dave
Recycled Virgin Extraordinaire: Askyourgran
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Introduction to the Discussions
As anyone who has started their own religion from a thread on a question and answer site will tell
you: "There's a lot to sort out".
Most churches set about nailing proclamations to doors or nailing people to wooden crosses. As we
didn't have any nails we instead set about deciding on our rites, practices and rules.
This is what you will find in front of you on the following pages.
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On Virgins and Bananas (Virgin on the Ridiculous)
Like most major religions the first port of call was to attempt to tell people what they can and can't
do with their bodies, and specifically, how we felt about virginity. As such the daily sacrifice ofbananas and, on occasions where bananas were no available, virgins, was an easy call to make.
High Priestess Boxtop Takes The Floor
Boxtops:
I think we need to reconsider these virgins, what purpose will they serve in our set-up? We
could always offer a virgin re-creation service; I believe it can be done... hmm...
Venator:
I thought we might sacrifice them on special occasions to save on bananas?
DTcrosswordfan:
Agree there. The re-creation of virgins - should Rowan and I compose hymens for that, sorry
- hymns?
AskYourGran:
Just thought you'd like to know that I am a re-cycled virgin. But I do not wish to put myself
forward for any ritualistic stuff, however if you can persuade George Clooney to join I may
reconsider.
Nibble:
All Hail to the miraculous all-recidivist efforts from Our benighted Ed, (health & youth be
heaped upon Him - in all his guises)...
AB Editor:
AYG, I can't offer George Clooney, but we could organize a bus-trip to Offord Clooney, I think
they've got a nice church and there might be a cake shop?
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More on the Importance of Bananas
Aside from the excellent health benefits awarded by eating bananas (such as seeing around corners,
being better at tennis and making you taller) there is also a significance of the waxy-skinned fruit inwithin the creed of The First Church of AnswerBank.
As such there was a remarkable degree of interest in the divinely curved fruit and rituals began to
grow around it.
Note: It is strongly refuted, with red faces, that there is a link between the curve of a banana and The
Angle of the Midlands.
Venator:
Ab Editor is in consultation with the Gnomes of Zurich and the Elves in the Black Forest to
conclude a Treaty, under the terms of which, all horizontally challenged supernatural
creatures will be entitled to free bananas.
A referendum of the members of Answerbank is being rigged.
Boxtops:
I have partaken of the dawn banana, I'm now fit to face the second month!
Venator:
Your religious observation does you credit - I too had my banana, with a couple of rounds of
homemade bread, at around 6.30
Venator:
There can be no discrimination in our congregation. Whether your banana is straight or bent
is a matter for each individual.
Zeuhl:
What's the position on male circumcision?
Jno:
"Legs crossed" is the usual.
DTcrosswordfan (Crospostle, Cruiciverbalist & Co-Bard) Takes To The Floor To Present His Most
Magnificent Re-versioned Poem on the Subject of Bananas: "Have You No Bananas?"
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"Have You No Bananas?" (With Thanks To Rudyard Kipling)
Have you no Bananas, AB townsfolk all?
"Nay, but Ed has them certainly.
"We buy them off the Internet, with the venator-marrows
"And the Suspended of our own country,
"(From the trollers of our own country.)"
Those are not Bananas, AB townsfolk all.
(Plantains from AB Poundland maybe!)
For the true are red and gold, and they fill no Boxie's hold,
But flourish in a Rowan country,
(That Folk go far to see.)
Their stiff Boos point the nooning down, AB townsfolk all,
Or rear against the Seadoggs off the sea;
Or Ratter and Mamya again, through the curtains of the Jayne
That Lady A's estates let free-
(Bellying 'twixt the Sara and Naomi).
Chaffinches inhabit there, AB townsfolk all-
jewelled ABers no bigger than dr b;
And the feline Lie-in-Kings plane and settle, flare and rise,
Through the low-arched greenery,
(That is Mamya and Mollie of the sea.)
The Jenna works and whispers there, AB townsfolk all,
AB Day and night in fecundity,
That the Banana and the Snake lie open and awake,
As it was by Nungate Tree,
(When the First Moonie slithered over TTFN)...
But you must go to business, AB townsfolk all,By Buenchico train, tram and tube must flee!
For your DaisyNonnas and Abanas do not include Bananas
(And NoM wine is a magnum to drink of, AB townfolk all),
Which leaves the more for me!
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On Head-Gear
Funny hats are the sign of any real religion. To add legitimacy to the Rites and Doctrine of the Creed
of our most Holy Church the First Church of The AnswerBank a discussion ensured as to the natureof head-gear was required.
Venator:
Perhaps Ed's dinky red hat would be a suitable starting point?
A later suggestion is made, again by Venator:
Where can I get a pointy hat like Ed's? Of course, Christmas is coming - I can just cut off the
fur trimmings from my Santa hat!
Note: Some believe this is to signify the rejection of the modern commoditized Santa; cutting back to
simpler times. Many more however know that this is simply the best way to produce a red-pointy-
hat/fluffy beard combo on the cheap.
Askyourgran:
Re: the face covering, am I allowed to keep my crown? Or will it look a bit tacky in church? I
have to confess that my concealed weapon consists of a hatpin, and the herbal aid is an
Olbas Oil inhaler at the moment (feeling a bit sniffy). Virgin wise I can't help much except
that I'm halfway there to being re-cycled. That's about the gist of it, but it's the thought that
counts. I'd like to have the first two weeks in August off for the special holiday.
Praise be to Ab Editor.
Poet Laureate Rowanwitch (Who is Gifted in The Arte of Pomes and Dittes) offers a composition
on the use and wearing of headgear:
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On Headgear
Oh true believer in piety aspire
To the hat of scarlet for to wearIn true devotion Emulate
The mighty Ed in holy state
Oh true believer cast your crowns
As a tawdry vanity
Exception though for ask your gran
For it seems such a part of she
The only thing with Gnomish hats
Despite their holy red
The shape of them only works well
If you have a pointy head
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On Politics (Should The First Church Of The AnswerBank Take
Over The Running Of The European Union?)
A discussion on the merits of the EU being turned into a benevolent theocracy run by The
AnswerBank.
Venator:
We have a more credible leader in Ab Editor who has been in power without a whiff of
scandal or financial mismanagement.
Ab Editor for President!!
DTcrosswordfan:
Possibly a step too far - separation of Church and State is recommended.
Take Iran as a model... Ayatollah Gnome Ed?
Rowanwitch:
Being small he would be a Lowatollah I believe however that we have enough expertise to
form a replacement government for Greece... and the weather over there is a bit of an
attraction... We will need a group of lower order priestesses for the sole task of lying on
loungers and going brown... I am sure there will be volunteers
Poet Laureate of The First Church of AnswerBank presents a composition on the nature of a new
AnswerBank Theocracy taking place of the Greek Government:
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On Governance
The Governing of the land of Ed
Will be by a committeeMeetings will be regular
But really rather wittee
The Minister for Justice
That's Barmaid to those who know
Will deal with dodgy characters
And punish them you know
The minister for fisheries
Will catch some sacred eels
Then put them in a video
If that's the way he feels
The secretary for idleness
We won't need one for Work
Will guide us into the true path
His duties he won't shirk
The minister for smuttiness
Will turn up once a week
The minister from finance
Will do it like a greek
The head of education
MarkRae to those of faith
Will ensure our holy minutes
Have apothtoffees in plaith
The minister for health
Will give us sage advice
On ibuprofen and band aidsAnd as a bonus Vice
We will have a representative
From the sacred side
Priestess boxtops will attend
On rules of faith preside
We won't raise funds with taxes
As that gives the people grief
We'll make money hiring out
Craftys old false teeth
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We could have made more money
By selling AB cake
But Boo and the modpostles
Eat every bit we make
But this goverment is powerless
In this pseuedo democracy
For we are just the figure heads
In Ab Eds Theocracy
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A missionary returns! He enlightens us to his findings:
Nibble:
All hail to all! I return from the land of the Square-headed, attempting to further our cause,
(all hail the Ed), and have found little uptake. Methinks, maybe we're too advanced for this
week in Eurozone, and have to be wary of their pope?
Closing Statement from DTcrosswordfan:
So were gonna start our own religion
The religion of the Ed ABers playing in the dirt;
Moonie romping in the fields till the cows come home;
Mamya's cherry pie not eaten but taken to a sick neighbor;
saying Hic for the NoM wine we have; not what we dont.
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It Is Suggested A Monumental Erection Be Formed
In honour of the First Church of AnswerBank's creation it is proposed an erection is formed.
Rowanwitch:
I have run out of bananas so may have to resort to a very holy cadbury flake...
for did not the most Blessed Ed say
"pursue ye the williness" ... Or was that Cynthia Payne? I forget, it's been a heavy week
Barding.
Boxtops:
Rowan, I approve it has the correct amount of williness!!
DTcrosswordfan:
I suggest that Venator and I erect an honour to williness. The Lord AB Editor, praise be to
him, will be most delighted to have a twenty foot priapus in his garden.
Nibble:
I'll hire the scaffolding... (If required).
DTcrosswordfan:
We won't ask about the helmets, Nibble.
I knew a man who wore the wrong sort of helmet when he was a youngster and it
remoulded the shape of his head.
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Rowanwitch:
I think the giant willy should be our totem pole... And we should light fires and cook many
sausages (barbecue sauce optional).
By the way there is an excellent stall at the German market this year selling all manner of
gnome idols in many forms of dress and colour... Such a glorious array of AB Editor Sculpture
that I was awestruck... and wanted to fall to my knees praising... Redman would have been
mortified though.
Venator:
This will be a mighty project to rival the Angel of the North!
There will be pilgrims from all parts of the world, and beyond wanting to bow down before
this monumental erection!
Gird your loins, sharpen your bananas and anoint your bratwursts with barbecue sauce!
Rowanwitch:
I wonder if Mr Gormley could make us a willy.... if it was bent and located in Northampton it
could be the Angle of the Midlands.
And so it came to pass that the Angle of the Midlands was commissioned.
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In Praise
Like all good religions there are plenty of thanks to be paid to a deity up-high. We've provided our
favourites below.
Poet Laureate Rowanwitch offers the following praise:
To Our Editor Who Art Above Us
Ed like a magpie
perched on the bough
How did he get there
Fluff knows how
High in the leaves
All you see is his hat
Climbed up to rescue
Boo's new cat
Ed in the oak tree
Where the wind blows
Avoiding being mobbed
By a murder of crows
Ed in the branches
High above the town
Ok bring the ladder back
I want to get down
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DtCrosswordFan offers praise in the form of a re-versioning of Keats:
Honour to our praiseworthy Apostolic Gnome (Cheers Keats!)
Our heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
Our senses, as though of tailcock we had drunk,Or emptied some dull opiate to the Castle drains
One minute past, and Lie-in-King had sunk:
Tis not through envy of thy happy lot,
But being too happy in thine happiness,
That thou, light-winged Mamya of the trees,
In some melodious plot
Of Naomi green, and AB Chucks numberless,
Singest of summer in B00-throated ease.
O, for Ratters vintage! that hath beenCoold a long age in the deep-delved earth,
Tasting of Craftie and the country green,
Dance, and Boxtops song, and Slinky mirth!
O for a beaker full of Sunny-Dave South,
Full of the true, the blushful Carakeel-cream,
With beaded Nungate winking at the brim,
And purple-stained mouth;
That we may drink, and leave the world unseen,
And with thee fade away into the forest dim:
Fade far away, dissolve, and quite forget
What thou among the leaves hast never known,
The Seekeerz, the fever, and the fret
Here, AB men sit and hear each other groan;
Where Murray shakes a few, Sqad, last gray hairs,
Where youth grows pale, and postdog-thin, and dies;
Where but to think is to be full of sorrow
And Venator-eyed despairs,
Where Jogger Jayne cannot keep her lustrous eyes,
Or new Love pine at them beyond to-morrow,
Away! away! for we will fly to thee,
Not charioted by PolarBear and her pards,
But on the viewless wings of Poesy,
Though the Miss Meg perplexes and retards:
Already with thee! tender is the night,
And haply the Lady Alex is on her throne,
Clusterd around by all her starry Fays;
But here there is no light,
Save what from heaven is with the Bakers blown
Through Ankou glooms and winding Gitty ways.
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We cannot see what Daisy Nonnas are at our feet,
Nor Flip-the-Switch hangs upon the boughs,
But, in Rowan darkness, guess each sweet
Wherewith the seasonable month endows
The TonyV, the thicket, and the Jack-Hat wild;
White hawthorn, and D97 eglantine;
Fast fading Nibble coverd up in leaves;
And AYGs eldest child,
The coming Ena, full of Moonie wine,
The murmurous haunt of flies on summer eves.
Forlorn! Venators word is like a bell
To toil us back from Ed-land to ourselves!
Adieu! the Delphians cheat so well
As they famd to do, deceiving all AB elves.
Adieu! adieu! our plaintive anthem fades
To Apotheosis, over the still stream,
Up AB hill-side; and now tis buried deep
In the suspension-glades:
Was it a vision, or a waking dream?
Fled that music:Do we wake, praise or sleep?
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The Pantomime!
(A Great Tale Of Woe & Tragedy, Also Known By The Names Of Little Ed Reading Hood, Golden-Ed-
Socks And The Three Trolls, The Lie-in-king... The Rowanwitch And The Wardgnome etc)
Scene One
An office with lots of computer screens... Gnomes sitting in front of them, working away, singing:
We're busy being busy
Trying our best for you
Hoping to answer a lot of stuff woo-hoo!
Were busy being busy keeping the site on line
We'd like to go for muffins but...
Boo eats them all the time
To keep the posters merry
They're often a stroppy bunch
oh well hi ho... Mercia's providing lunch
We're busy being busy
It is what gnomes must do
Hoping to spot a sneaky troll or twoWe're busy being busy so Ed gets a chance to say
Well done well done and let us out to play.
Cut to large screen with red lights flashing... Alert! Alert! Incoming message:
"Oh Ed someone has spotted a banned poster who has rejoined"
Ed strides up to the front of the sage and sings (oh Sole mio)
AB Editor:
Oh Troll amigo
No friend to me
You are to be zapped
Eternally
Today..... your time has come
To be removed and ...(presses large red button) Kaboom! you're gone
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Oh Troll we see you
We know that you
Were a nudgescuffler - we warned you too
Tomorrow will be too late
Now go and others will know your fate...
A pretty girl gnome, silky beard bit of lace around pointy hat, brings in a tea tray filled with cakes:
Tea for two and then at three
four o'clock we stop for tea
If you like we stop at five as well
Cos it makes it pleasant...see
Lots of cakes and buns for tea
Oh how happy we who work fr'AB
The door opens and in walks Modpostle B00:
I see cake before I go to sleep and focus on the cake that's been
I realise it's there in my fridge and I can't resist it
Oooh she's here again....the girl with the cake on her cart....oooh, she's here again
and I want a bun and a tart
Tries to steal the trolley a food fight ensues lots of flan flinging
End of Scene
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Scene Two
A dark and dank space under a bridge a group of ugly trolls sit chewing old bones
Troll One:
(To the tune of "nobody knows the trouble I've seen")
Nobody know the trouble I cause... nobody know but Jack does
Nobody knows the posters I've been
Nobody knows but Jack does
Troll Two:
(To the tune of "I don't know how to love him")
I don't know how to stay there
How to post without showing
I can Choose...another name
But in the end it seems
Despite my schemes
She watches out and knows
She always knows
Troll Three:
I thought I'd go there Monday
To wind up those who knew me
But it's a game
They know my name
And I've tried so many names beforeThey are no real disguise
They spot us guys...
Troll One:
We need some help...there must be some amid the banned and disillusioned who believe in
us still
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(To the Tune of "I Want To Break Free")
I want to break in...I want to break into this site
Ruin every night on AB
I want to break in
God knows... somehow I've got to break in
I've so much to say...I've got so much to say
that a normal site days
not enough
For all of my stuff
I've so much to post
And I want to break in
Troll Three:
We need to find a way that won't alert the guard dogs...
Troll Two:
Maybe if we picked user names that were really different and posted sensibly for a while...
Troll Three:
(To the Tune of "I Shot The Sherriff")
Where's the fun in that
I want the chaos... but I don't want someone spotting me
I want the rowing... but I just don't want it pinned on me
People will begin to fight
If I stay around
They all have the appetiteFor a row that's begun by me
Oh yeah... I'll do it sneakily...
End of Scene
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Scene Three
A pond up north (To the tune of "Gone Fishin'")
Gone fishin' I can't go on AB
Gone fishin' because they have banned me
Gone fishin' I posted too much spam
Gone fishin' ...to be back...I'm just a wishin'
To bingo...I need something to do
To bingo To win a bob or two
To Bingo I didn't have a clue
Gone bingo 'cos no video to do
So fishin' instead of dirt I'm dishin'
Troll One pokes his head through the reeds
Troll One:
Oh is that you Doctor... thought it was....
Fancy getting involved in a little trouble...
Troll Two emerges from pond with a duck on his head. The Doctor puts his hand in his fishing bag and
gets out a bottle of rum
The Doctor:
Go on...
Troll One:
(To the tune of "Greensleeves")
Alas old friend they did you wrong
To cast you out when you love AB
You have both laboured hard and long
To delight them with video we can see
Doctor you need revenge
Doctor come join the fight
Doctor they will let you back
Because they think you good company
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The Doctor:
I have been thinking though find it hard
About my role's lack of empathy
I've tried to see where I might offend
but I'm a blunt bloke and I cannot see
If changing would make much good
How changing would make it right
But I won't join in your battle boys
I'll just have a fag I'm not in your fight
The trolls look perplexed: mumbles of "who's next on the list?" they sink into the pond and disappear.
End of Scene
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Scene Four: Cake Crossed Lovers
The Gnome Office at AB Towers, the gnomes sing:
Good morning good morning...we've worked the whole night through
Good morning good morning to you
Good morning Good morning We've banned a troll or two
Good morning good morning to you...
Spare Ed wanders in holding an extra large coffee...
Spare Ed:
(To the Tune of "Witchita Lineman")
I'm on duty 'til the evening
and I've got a bad cold
Waiting by my screen for another overload
And I need this fix of caffeine
and I'll need to carry on
I've got a dozen emails from Viv and or Ron
Tea pixie wanders through with the trolley to be surrounded by hoard of hungry gnomes. Shouts of
"who's grabbed my crumpet" and "nice buns..." ensue. She moves sheepishly (Down Mooney)towards Spare Ed.
Tea Pixie:
(To the tune of 'Scarborough Fair")
Would you like a strawberry tart...
Wouldn't ask but you seem so down
Remember there's a cake for you here...If you want it any old time
Thank you I'll have it later I think
Nice of you to bring it to me
There's many here who fancied it first
You are really terribly kind
She blushes and turns to the Audience (are you listening boys and girls?)
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How to tell him how I do feel
With his hat so noble and fine
When he slays trolls My heart misses a beat
How I wish that spare Ed was mine...
She wanders out pushing her empty trolley.
Spare Ed looks at the cake.
That was nice she's awfully kind
Don't know if she will work here for long
Someone must have stolen her heart
And mine must pine while I stay alone...
End of Scene
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Scene Five
A house somewhere... anonymous, a woman sits in front of a screen scanning the text.
The Trollfinder General (for it is she):
(With apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan)
I am the very model of an IT Trollfinder general
My expertise phenomenal be they post as man or animal
I get them every time indeed my art is most phenomenal
I am the very model of the best troll finder general
(Pause)
aah got you! ...I recognise your style
The Trollfinder General types a quick message before the search is resumed.
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Scene Six
A cake shop somewhere in the UK, staff singing:
(To the tune of "16 tons")
I'll have just 16 buns oh and in case I forget
Box me some donuts and some muffins and yet
I'll have 16 buns and then some more
I 'll have some gateaux and be out of your door
The Modpostle B00 takes her purchases and is heading for the bus when she is confronted by a
woman in a plastic mac.
Woman in Plastic Mac:
I'm the crazy cake woman who no one dares to mention
I steal your buns your muffins and macaroons without exemption
I take them home and stuff them all
And there is no prevention
'Cos the way it seems I'm saving you a weigh in full of tension
Stand and deliver your patisserie or your life
I'll try a donut cos the gateux needs a knife
Even though you love these cakes
Your conscience will be clear
wah wah da didddly wah wah etc
So stand and deliver...your muffins or your life...uh
Modpostle B00 prepares to fight
Modpostle B00:
I know who you are! You're-
- roll of drums "dah dah dah!" melodramatic music as played before villain is revealed!
End of Scene
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Scene Seven
Under the troll bridge
(To the tune of "Vindaloo")
Will not do...will not doo
Will not do, Will not doo will not do ooo
We are sick of being exiles
It really will not do
It s sad but true, sad but true
just won't do just a big heap of poo-oo
We need to... find a way back
And we all must do it too
They sit in a huddle with odd mutters of ...
Clique... Biddies... Jack the (bleep bleep bleep)
FinallyTroll One stands up and tells them
(To the tune of "I Want to Break Free)
We need to break in
We need to break inWe need to upset all their plans
In the best way we can and you see
We have to be free
I've got an idea..
I've got an idea for the first time
This time I know it 's a plan
I've got an idea
Ed knows...I've got an idea
We turn up in masks
We go there in masks just like redman
Like V for vendetta you see
They won't know it's me
I'm gonna get free
Once we are inside
Once we are inside for the first time
it's time to do what we need
Cause chaos indeed
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Inside... We can get inside
Troll Oneshouts:
Get down to St. Pauls lads and steal some masks from the protestors, If they believe in theircause why do they need to hide their faces....
They scurry out
End of Scene
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Scene Eight
The Enchanted forest. Tea Pixie sits by a stream.
Tea Pixie:
How can I be sure... he's a gnome and I can't see him changing
How can I be sure where I stand with spare
I wonder why...I wonder why I want him so
My constant cry is I just want to love him though
Maybe I'm just fooling myself
And he thinks I'm only an elf
Maybe I will never make him see me so....
How can I make spare
See me as a date worth arranging
How can I make sure?
He wants me for his own...
She looks up to see a figure sitting on a tree stump nearby
Fairy Godmother (for it is she):
Hello little pixie
Tea Pixie:
Who are you?
Fairy Godmother:
I am your fairy godmother and I want to help you
Tea Pixie:
But I don't think he's even noticed me...
Fairy Godmother:
Well... perhaps we need some magic then... and some socks appeal
come with me to my cottage and we'll see what we can do...
End of Scene
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Scene Nine
Spare Ed sitting at a desk
Spare Ed:
(To the tune of "Sweet Molly Malone (aka The Tart with the Cart)")
In gnomelands fair city there's a pixie so pretty
I can't get my mind off that pixie at all
As she wheels her tea trolley
My heart goes oh golly
Its muffins and crumpets and she doesn't know
Sponge and gateaux
sponge and gateaux
she's sweeter than sugar but she doesn't know
I don't know her name and
I need her phone number
I want to hold her and not be alone
But I go pink and blushy
and feel oh so slushy
When she calls muffins and teacakes
And fairy cakes though
An email comes on screen claiming there is a delegation of AB'ers in reception... AB Editor is going
down to meet them leaving Spare to look after the office... He hits the shut down button and walks
out... sighing...
End of Scene
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Scene Ten
In the reception area of AB Towers.AB Editor stands at the door a group of trolls in v for vendetta
masks in front.
AB Editor:
Go away little trolls... It's annoying me more each minute that you delay
When you come here like this...
I just have to resist
Go away little trolls before I ruin your day
Troll One:
Oh little gnome, oh little gnome
How tiny are your chances
There's a crowd of us
So without fuss
We take over and our stance is
You can stay here as our slave
Or if you choose to be too brave
Oh little gnome oh little gnome
I do not rate your chances
With that they through a large Santa sack over his head and bundle him out of the door.
Right lads... onwards and upwards
Let's take over this tower!
End of Scene
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Scene Eleven
The Gnome Office, the Spare Ed has watched events unfolding on cctv:
Spare Ed:
Right folks! Grab as much gear as you can and go down the back passage... I will try to hold
them off as long as I can...
He bolts and barricades the doors and reaches for a paper knife. Shoutsfrom the corridor.
Spare Ed:
Someone's knocking on the door...somebody's planning on hellsomebody's trying and what's more somebody's starting to yell
should I surrender... and let them in....
Someone's beating down the door...someone's tryin' to break in
I'm just trying to ignore but they will soon just get in
It would be best if I just run...
Think its nasty... might be wrong
Trolls are hasty before long
I'll have to surrender... Oh yeah and let 'em in....
Outside the door the trolls are getting impatient
lets talk about mess bay be
Lets talk about troll and me
Lets talk about all the fun things and the evil that can be
Lets talk about it lets talk about mess
Troll Chorus:
Lets post lots of rudeness here
offend all and swear
Think about all the insults and the fighting
And its clear
We're making a mess
Spare looks round at the back door of the office to see tea pixie with her trolley
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Spare Ed:
What are you doing here?
Tea-Pixie:
I thought you might like a few cakes to give you strength
Spare looks at her with gratitude.
Spare Ed:
You have given me an idea...
There's a way for us
To save this place for usBut I will need you to be brave
So we can save the day
There is time enough
To win though it is tough
We can see off these trolls and then
Start AB again
She joins in
Tell me what to do
And then it's me and you
Against the trolls that are just outside
We can win... I feel inside
Somehow....we'll find a way of defeating
These monsters and Its worth repeatin'
Someway...somehow...somewhere....
End of Scene
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Scene Twelve
The trolls in the control room. The Spare Ed quietly removes the barricades, unlocks the door and
scarpers down the back passage. The trolls enter and realise they're in control.
Troll One:
'we're in..'
Troll Two:
What do we do first?
Troll Three:
Switch off the swear filter
Troll One:
Done...
Troll Two:
Are you sure? looks like it's still on?
Troll One:
No its off! They are so used to being filtered they are using the substations themselves, the
Salad chefs!
Ok now what?
Troll One:
What'll I do now I am in control?
I am not sure what'll I do
I used to dream of when this day would come
But now oh bum what'll I do?
I thought that I would make
A total wreck
And lead the others too
Wrecking this site
Would fill me with delight
But I feel blue
What'll I do
He picks up a well thumbed copy of Gnomessess with Gnockers and flicks through it morosely.
End of Scene
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Scene Thirteen
(In which we are spared dreadful versions of well known songs)
A bar near AB Towers.
Spare Ed:
We need a distraction... so Welshy and Moony you two are the Bo-peep sisters (Baaarbarra
and Maaaartha) the sheep know you so it makes it easier.
And if a couple of the girls put on the Panto sheep suits to lead the flock into reception. Alba
and Noraq, can you comply?
Once you are in reception cause as much chaos as possible
Then while they are distracted Pixie will take round a trolley of buns and tea laced with a
potion hopefully most of them will eat without thinking while they are watching the antics
downstairs.
Chuck (for it is he) raises his hand.
Chuck:
Do we know where they are keeping the boss?
Spare Ed:
Not yet but they will tell us. Trolls always give the game away. They can't help it!
End of Scene
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Scene Fourteen
Outside AB Towers. Moony and Welshy looking very fetching in their shepherdess frocks are waiting
with their little flock. Noraq and Alba on all fours ready to lead the charge. Noraq starts giggling.
Noraq:
(With apologies to Ab-Baa baa)
Knowing me knowing ewe. Ah-haa...
There is something sad but true
I'm a ewe and its true Ah-haaa...
Brace yourself friends 'cos were going through
Alba looks behind
Albaqwerty:
The boys have their crooks ready... let's go!
Oi who bought these sheep... that one's a bloody ram!
They surge forward through the doors an mill around 'aimlessly' knocking stuff over while the bo
peeps try to round them up...
Noraq:
That ram reminds me of an old song.
Albaqwerty:
What one?
Noraq:
Love is a big sheep following me!
Albaqwerty:
Well don't let him get too close - these costumes are a bit too real for comfort...
End of Scene
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Scene Fifteen
The Gnome Office
Troll Three:
What the..? Have you seen this...
The trolls look on in amazement
I don't believe my eyes are telling me lies
I saw some sheep come in oh what a surprise
Shoobydoo ay shooby doo wee
There's lots of big sheep invading AB
Troll One:
I don't think much of the two shepherdesses though
Keep recording it will be great for you tube!
The Tea Pixie pushes her trolley into the control room. The trolls each take a cake, absentmindedly.
Troll Two:
I'll have an clair ta...
Troll One:
A fondant fancy for me...
They continue to take cakes from the trolley. Within minutes the trolley is stripped bare and the trolls
are slurping the last of the tea.
The Tea Pixie goes down the front stairs to reception and opens the doors
Tea Pixie:
It's working! Give them 5 minutes and they will be snoring!
End of Scene
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Scene Sixteen
In a small room off the Gnome Office the Spare Ed has the troll leader tied to a chair.
Spare Ed:
Ok. I'm notplanning on being nasty right now, so tell me where Ed is and I will let you and
your friends go unharmed!
Troll One:
No chance pointy head....while we have the main gnome we keep control
Spare Ed:
Ok let's start with something simple...what is your name?
Troll One:
Had so many I can't remember!
Spare Ed:
Perhaps I can persuade you: Pixie get Chuck to find the file! And get the sweetcorn thread on
screen, and send in the team!
They cruelly take turns in reading out the posts. By 50 the troll was, sweating. By a hundred he was
gibbering. By 150 troll leader begged them to stop.
Troll One:
He's downstairs in the wheelie bin! Please stop! This torture!
The Bo peeps run downstairs with a rustle of flouncy petticoats and return with a rather grubby and
disgruntled Ed
Spare Ed:
What shall we do with them oh Great Ed?
AB Editor:
First of all release the minor trolls and hangers on.
And thank you everyone
I'm not sure how you managed to rescue me,
and AB
But well done all!
The AB Editor now turns his attention to the troll leader.
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Now troll leader. I hereby banish you and remember we will be alert to your schemes!
And be aware that should you venture again into the hallowed towers, we have much more
nonsense to punish you with! And also many awful jokes!
The cast walk to the front of the stage and take a bow to the tune of God Save The Queen
Cast:
Praise to the mighty Ed
In his great hat of red
Praise be to Ed
he is set free and we
Are singing merrily
We have Normality
Praise Be to Ed
All hail the mighty Spare
His courage and his powers
Saved sacred AB towers
Praise be to Spare
With little Pixie he
defeats the troll army
Loud may this praising Be
Praise be to Spare...
With this Spare steps forward to The Tea Pixie
Spare Ed:
Pixie... I've admired you from a distance... Wondered at your confectionary...
I know I am a gnome and you are a pixie but would you like to have dinner with me
Pixie leaps into his arms and kisses him
The Tea Pixie:
I'm not a real pixie you know... My parents were gnomes...
TeaPixie is just my AB name... my real name is-
AB Editor:
Now, now... No real names on AB!
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The cast gather to sing the final goodbye:
(With apologies to everybody)
So long farewell
Our pantomime is done
Its at an end so tatty bye good friends
So long.... good bye... gooooood bye....
Curtain falls. Cast have backstage party.
Bard has lie down in darkened room.
Fin.