Download - Self confidence to do be-get
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Here's the outline of 28 Oct 14 Lesson Call about Self-
Confidence and Self-Worth.
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REVIEW: How many legs are on the stool of Self-Esteem?
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Answer = Three: Self-Confidence, Self-Respect, and
Self-Worth.
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Self-Confidence comes from knowing you are competent.
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Self-Respect comes from knowing you are trustworthy,
to others and to yourself.
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Self-Worth comes from feeling deserving of good things and
lovable just as you are.
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QUESTION: Can you feel self-confident when you are NOT
competent?
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ANSWER: Yes, but you shouldn't.
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We Americans tend to think being optimistic about what
you can do is a Very Good Thing.
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But it's more rational to be realistic about what you don't
yet know how to do.
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And being realistic and rational leads to saying, "I might eventually be able to."
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That doesn't sound like optimism, but when you consider practical limits...
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It's more realistic to acknowledge that some things
are hard to learn how to do.
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And it's rational to acknowledge that some obstacles are tough to
overcome.
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And it's smart to see that the ecology of your life might
prioritize other goals.
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So, even though it feels almost unpatriotic to say it, the most
realistic view is:
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Self-Confidence makes sense only after you have a track
record of learning to mastery.
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When you take on a new challenge, you have three steps that are essential:
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1) Learn new concepts 2) Practice new skills 3) Achieve
mastery of tasks
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You're not competent just because you have gained knowledge or memorized
facts.
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You're closer when you have gained knowledge AND
practiced new skills.
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But you aren't really competent until you have
practiced those new skills long enough --
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That you have passed a test, achieved a goal, or mastered
some task that matters.
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Once you can say with pride, "I know how to do that, because
I have done it well, before!"
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Then you are truly competent, and your Self-Confidence is
justified.
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And that confidence is not easily shaken, because you
have a track record of mastery.
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You can point to a certificate on the wall, a trophy on the shelf, or a birdhouse built.
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Self-Confidence based on competence is no brag, just
fact.
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QUESTION: Shouldn't parents try to build their children's Self-Confidence early on,
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by saying things like "You can do anything you set your mind
to!" or ...
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"The sky is the limit for someone like you. If you can dream it, you can achieve it!"
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ANSWER: Only if it's good to teach your children to really
believe in Santa Claus.
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We Americans love the sentiment of "You can do
anything you set your mind to," and
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We have lots of examples of ordinary people who learned
to do extraordinary things.
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But it isn't factually true that anyone can do anything they
can dream of doing.
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And it isn't even factually true that anyone can do anything if
they work hard enough.
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And it is probably true that some things are so hard for
you to learn, you won't.
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And even if you learn the facts, you might not have time or
talent to learn the skills.
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And even if you learn facts and practice skills, you might not
be able to pass tests.
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And some tasks are herculean, even if you could learn how,
practice skills, and
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master the basics: eg. "I want to read every book written by
an American!"
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The parenting instinct to empower our children to think
positively feels right.
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And is right if we help them recognize how real power to
do things is gained:
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By learning things, practicing skills, and getting good enough
to do stuff well.
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When we teach our kids that learning new things is fun, we
help empower them.
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When we help our kids practice skills so they get
better, we empower them.
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And when they practice enough to master something,
they own their power.
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Instead of giving them a falsely optimistic version of reality
that sounds good,
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We can give them a reality-based process that actually
helps them be good.
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Step 1: "You can learn lots of new things; you already have!"
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Step 2: "It's hard now, but as you practice it gets easier and
you get better."
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Step 3: "When you practice well, your skills grow till you
can master tasks."
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This process grows Self-Confidence, because it grows
competence.
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And what does it have to do with Self-Worth?
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It's hard to feel deserving of good things unless you have
earned some of them.
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In America, our culture tends mostly to reward people who
can do things well.
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(There are exceptions. Good teachers aren't well paid, but
the Kardashians...)
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And we label folks who think they deserve good things
unearned as 'spoiled.'
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Maslow labeled the third level of his heirarchy of needs "Self-
Esteem."
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And his definition fits ours of both Self-Respect and Self-
Confidence.
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(We'll be looking at Self-Respect in more detail next
week.)
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It's American to believe if you are able, you should earn your
keep.
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And if you can add great value to others, you should earn
more than enough.
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From the inside, we tend to believe we deserve good things if we earn them.
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Competence that leads to rewards builds Self-Confidence
and Self-Worth.
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Would you agree with Maslow that we i>need</i> to be competent at something?
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Or with Freud that love is one hand but work the other of
healthy selfhood?
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Even mostly dysfunctional parents tend to give praise to
kids who DO well,
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Though they are stingy with approval for kids who deserve
their BEing affirmed.
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Not only our children deserve to know how the three steps
to competence.
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Our inner-child can benefit from that knowledge too.
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What kind of affirmations or empowering beliefs can you
install that:
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a) Excite you about learning new things?
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b) Encourage your practicing new skills as you gain
proficiency?
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c) Endorse your setting challenging goals that stretch
you to mastery?
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These would be affirmations that install beliefs that work as
you work:
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"I can learn new things I've never known before, think
what I never thought."
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"I can improve by practice what I am not skilled at yet,
until I do know how."
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"I can keep working till I reach my goals, pass my tests, stretch to get success."
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Instead of trying to get myself to believe what is not yet true,
hopeful lies:
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"I am bright, smart, brilliant, and a genius, regardless of
how little I know."
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"I am capable, competent, able, proficient, though I never
rode a bike before."
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"I am masterful and skilled, accomplished and admired,
without having tried."
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These are crazy affirmations, perfect invitations for the
snarky self to sneer at.
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What we need are affirmations that are true now, that also
affirm a future reality.
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Affirmations that can't be sneered at by the snarky self,
but are also true now.
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Next week's tool is another kind of affirmation, the kind
that grows competence.
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Affirmations that avoid the snarky self discounting because they are true.
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And also empowering a future that is not yet here, affirming
as real what will be.
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These affirmations are of the DO - BE - GET format. And
they are good for kids.
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Our offspring and our younger-selves. We create them in
reverse order.
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So you can be thinking ahead, if your younger-self is wanting
to feel capable.
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Imagine what it is that your younger-you wants to GET?
What goal? Outcome?
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And imagine how you would have to BE or BECOME to
achieve that.
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Then imagine what you would have to DO to become that
kind of person.
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More to follow. More to grow.
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