Download - Matrimonial minefields -part one--track one--smmr

Matrimonial

Minefields

Matrimonial Minefields May Appear In Serene Settings

Satan Wants To Destroy Your Marriage!

MatrimonialMinefields

Constant Conflict and Criticisms

EXERCISE Relationship Dynamics Scale

Use the following 3-point scale to rate how often you and your mate or partner experience each situation described: 1 = almost never or never, 2 = once in a while, 3 = frequently.

1.Little arguments escalate into ugly fights with accusations, criticisms, name-calling, or bringing up past hurts.

2.My partner criticizes or belittles my opinions, feelings, or desires.

3.My partner seems to view my words or actions more negatively than I mean them.

Markman, Howard J.; Scott M. Stanley; Susan L. Blumberg (2010-03-18). Fighting for Your Marriage: A Deluxe Revised Edition of the Classic Best-seller for Enhancing Marriage and Preventing Divorce (p. 42). John Wiley and Sons. Kindle Edition.

4. When we have a problem to solve, it is like we are on opposite teams. 5. I hold back from telling my partner what I really think and feel. 6. I feel lonely in this relationship. 7. When we argue, one of us withdraws—that is, doesn’t want to talk about it anymore or leaves the scene.


Ted, a 34-year-old construction worker, and Wendy, 32, who runs a catering business, had been married for 8 years. Like many couples, their fights started over small issues:

TED: (sarcastically) You’d think you could put the cap back on the toothpaste. WENDY: (equally sarcastically) Oh, like you never forget to put it back. TED: As a matter of fact, I always put it back. WENDY: Oh, I forgot just how compulsive you are. You are right, of course! TED: I don’t even know why I stay with you. You are so negative. WENDY: Maybe you shouldn’t stay. No one is barring the door. TED: I’m not really sure why I do stay any more.


Sarcasm Kills

Dara is upset that Oliver has not been doing his part around the house. When he suggests they keep a list of his chores on the refrigerator to help him remember, she says, “Do you think you work really well with lists?”

Next, Oliver tells her that he needs fifteen minutes to relax when he gets home before starting to do chores.

“So if I leave you alone for fifteen minutes, then you think you’ll be motivated to jump up and do something?” she asks him.

“Maybe. We haven’t tried it, have we?” Oliver asks.

DARA: “So you think that’s the cure-all, to give you fifteen minutes?” (sneering) OLIVER: “No, I don’t think that’s the cure-all. I think, combined with writing up a list of weekly tasks that have to get done. Why not put it on a calendar? Hey, I’ll see it right then and there.” DARA: “Just like when I write stuff in your Day-Timer it gets done?” (mocking him; more contempt) OLIVER: “I don’t always have a chance to look at my Day-Timer during the day.” (defensive) DARA: “So you think you’ll look at a calendar, then?”

OLIVER: “Yeah. At any point in time, if I’m not up to speed, you should ask me about it. But when that happens now, it’s not you asking, it’s you telling me, “You haven’t done this and you haven’t done that.” Instead say, “Is there any reason why you haven’t done this or that?” Like, I mean, when I stayed up and did your résumé that one night. Stuff like that happens all the time, and you just don’t take that into account at all.” (defensive) DARA: “And I don’t just all of a sudden do things for you, either?” (defensive) OLIVER: “No, you do. . . . I think you need to relax a little bit.” DARA (sarcastic): “Hmm. Well, that sounds like we solved a lot.” Gottman, John; Nan Silver (2002-02-04). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (pp. 32-33). Random House, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

• This sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt. So are name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor.

• In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relation-ship because it conveys disgust.

• It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message you’re disgusted with him or her.

• Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict rather than to reconciliation.

Peter, the manager of a shoe store, was a master at contempt, at least when it came to his wife. Listen to what happens when he and Cynthia try to discuss their disparate views about spending money. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He says, “Just look at the difference in our vehicles and our clothes. I think that says a lot for who we are and what we value. I mean, you tease me about washing my truck, and you go and pay to have somebody wash your car. We’re paying through the nose for your car, and you can’t be bothered to wash it. I think that’s outrageous. I think that’s probably the most spoiled thing that you do.” -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He’s not merely pointing out that they spend their money differently. He is accusing his wife of a moral deficiency—of being spoiled.

Cynthia responds by telling him that it’s physically difficult for her to wash her car herself.

Peter dismisses this explanation and continues to take the high moral ground. “I take care of my truck because if you take care of it, it’ll last longer. I don’t come from the mentality of ‘Ah, just go out and buy a new one’ that you seem to.”

Still hoping to get Peter on her side, Cynthia says, “If you could help me to wash my car, I’d really love that. I’d really appreciate it.”

But instead of grabbing this chance at reconciliation, Peter wants to do battle. “How many times have you helped me wash my truck?” he counters.

Cynthia tries again to reconcile. “I will help you wash your truck if you will help me wash my car.”

But Peter’s goal is not to resolve this issue but to dress her down. So he says, “That’s not my question. How many times have you helped me?”

“Never,” says Cynthia. “See?” says Peter. “That’s where I think you have a little responsibility, too. It’s like, you know, if your dad bought you a house, would you expect him to come over and paint it for you, too?”

Cindy says, “Well, will you always help me wash my car if I always help you wash your truck?” “I’m not sure that I’d want ya to help me,” Peter says, laughing. “Well, will you always help me wash my car, then?” Cynthia asks. “I will help you when I can. I won’t give you a blanket guarantee for life. What are you gonna do, sue me?” asks Peter.

And he laughs again. Listening to this discussion, it becomes clear that Peter’s main purpose is to demean his wife.

His contempt comes in the guise of assuming the high moral ground, as when he says: “I think that says a lot for who we are and what we value,” or “I don’t come from the mentality of ‘just go out and buy a new one.’ ”

Gottman, John; Nan Silver (2002-02-04). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (pp. 29-30). Random House, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

Philippians 2:3ff; 1Cor. 13:4-7

To sustain love, we have to learn how to negotiate ... differences of all kinds ... and to speak to each other in ways that allow us to be heard, that allow us to be received. —DEE WATTS-JONES

Proverbs 13:3; 15:1-4, 28; 18:6-7;21:23; 29:11, 20

INVALIDATION: PAINFUL PUT-DOWNS

WENDY: (very angry) You missed your doctor’s appointment again! I even texted you to remind you. You are so irresponsible. I could see you dying and leaving me, just like your father. TED: (bruised) Thanks a lot. You know I am nothing like my father. WENDY: He was useless, and so are you. TED: (dripping with sarcasm) I’m sorry. I forgot my good fortune to be married to such a paragon of responsibility. You can’t even keep your purse organized.


Preventing Invalidation

WENDY: (very angry) I am very angry that you missed the doctor’s appointment again. I worry about your being around for me in the future. TED: (surprised) It really upset you, didn’t it? WENDY: You bet. I want to know that you are going to be there for me, and when you miss an appointment that I’m anxious about, I worry about us. TED: I understand why it would make you worried when I don’t take care of myself.


Negative Interpretations—When Perception Is Worse Than Reality

Negative interpretations occur when one partner consistently believes that the motives of the other are more negative than is really the case. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Margot and David have been married twelve years, and they are generally happy with their relationship. Yet their discussions at times have been plagued by a specific negative interpretation. Every December they have had trouble deciding whether to travel to her parents’ home for the holidays. Margot believes that David dislikes her parents, but in fact, he is quite fond of them in his own way.


MARGOT: We should start looking into plane tickets to go visit my parents this holiday season. DAVID: (thinking about their budget problem) I was wondering if we can really afford it this year. MARGOT: (in anger) My parents are very important to me, even if you don’t like them. I’m going to go. DAVID: I would like to go—really I would. I just don’t see how we can afford a thousand dollars in plane tickets and pay the bill for Joey’s orthodontist too. MARGOT: You can’t be honest and admit you just don’t want to go, can you? Just admit it. You don’t like my parents. DAVID: There is nothing to admit. I enjoy visiting your parents. I’m thinking about money here, not your parents. MARGOT: That’s a convenient excuse. (storms out of the room)


Given that we know David really does like to go to her parents, can you see how powerful her negative interpretation has become? He cannot penetrate it.

What can he say or do to make a difference as long as her belief that he dislikes them is so strong? In this case, David wants to address the decision they must make from the standpoint of the budget, but Margot’s interpretation will overpower their ability to communicate effectively and will make it hard to come to a decision that makes both of them happy. Fortunately for them, this problem is relatively isolated and not a consistent pattern in their marriage.

Proverbs 18:13; John 7:24


Alfred and Eileen are a couple who were high school sweethearts; they have been married eighteen years and have three children, but have been very unhappy in their marriage for more than seven years—in part due to the corrosive effect of strong negative interpretations.

Although there are positive things in their marriage, almost nothing each does is recognized positively by the other, as illustrated by this recent conversation about parking their car.

Markman, Howard J.; Scott M. Stanley; Susan L. Blumberg (2010-03-18). Fighting for Your Marriage: A Deluxe Revised Edition of the Classic Best-seller for Enhancing Marriage and Preventing Divorce (pp. 51-52). John Wiley and Sons. Kindle Edition.

ALFRED: You left the car out again.EILEEN: Oh. I guess I forgot to put it in when I came back from Lizzie’s. ALFRED: (with a bit of a sneer) I guess you did. You know how much that irritates me. EILEEN: (exasperated) Look, I forgot. Do you think I leave it out just to irritate you? ALFRED: (coldly) Actually, that is exactly what I think. I have told you so many times I want the car in the garage at night. EILEEN: Yes, you have. But I don’t leave it out just to tick you off. I just forget.

ALFRED: If you cared what I thought about things, you’d remember. EILEEN: (anger rising in her voice now) You know that I put the car in nine times out of ten. ALFRED: More like half the time, and those are the times I leave the garage door up for you. EILEEN: (disgusted, walking away) Have it your way. It doesn’t matter what reality is. You will see it your way.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Proverbs 21:23We all have a very strong tendency toward “confirmation bias,” which is the tendency to look for evidence that confirms what we already think is true about others or situations.

WITHDRAWAL AND AVOIDANCE: HIDE AND SEEK

Withdrawal and avoidance are different manifestations of a pattern in which one partner shows an unwillingness to get into or stay with important discussions.

Withdrawal can be as obvious as getting up and leaving the room or as subtle as “turning off” or “shutting down” during an argument. The withdrawer often tends to get quiet during an argument, or may agree quickly to some suggestion just to end the conversation, with no real intention of following through.


Let’s look at this pattern as played out in a discussion between Paula, a twenty-eight-year-old realtor, and Jeff, a thirty-two-year-old loan officer. Married for three years, they have a two-year-old baby girl, Tanya, whom they adore. They were concerned that the tension in their relationship was starting to affect their daughter.


PAULA: When are we going to talk about how you are handling your anger? JEFF: Can’t this wait? I have to get these taxes done. PAULA: I’ve brought this up at least five times already. No, it can’t wait! JEFF: (tensing) What’s to talk about, anyway? It’s none of your business. PAULA: (frustrated and looking right at Jeff) Tanya is my business. I’m afraid that you may lose your temper and hurt her, and you won’t do a thing to learn to deal better with your anger. JEFF: (turning away, looking out the window) I love Tanya. There’s no problem here. (leaving the room as he talks)

PAULA: (very angry now, following Jeff into the next room) You have to get some help. You can’t just stick your head in the sand. JEFF: I’m not going to discuss anything with you when you are like this. PAULA: Like what? It doesn’t matter if I am calm or frustrated—you won’t talk to me about anything important. Tanya is having problems, and you have to face that. JEFF: (quiet, tense, fidgeting)PAULA: Well?

JEFF: (going to closet and grabbing a sweater) I’m going out to have a drink and get some peace and quiet.PAULA: (voice raised, angry) Talk to me, now. I’m tired of you leaving when we are talking about something important. JEFF: (looking away from Paula, walking toward the door) I’m not talking; you are. Actually, you’re yelling. See you later. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------If you are seeing this pattern in your relationship, keep in mind that it will likely get worse if you allow it to continue. That is because as pursuers push more, withdrawers withdraw more. And as withdrawers pull back, pursuers push harder.

Get Off To A Good Start!

After many years of research, John Gottman has begun emphasizing something that we find very compelling. Some years ago, he determined that how couples begin talks about issues determines 96 percent of the subsequent course of the conversation. That means that if you start out angry as you raise a concern, the resulting talk is likely to be an angry one, and you are not very likely to pull out of it. This is all the more true if you start with an edge of hostility. If you begin on a more positive note, you are very likely to be able to keep the conversation on that level.

Markman, Howard J.; Scott M. Stanley; Susan L. Blumberg (2010-03-18). Fighting for Your Marriage: A Deluxe Revised Edition of the Classic Best-seller for Enhancing Marriage and Preventing Divorce (pp. 59-60). John Wiley and Sons. Kindle Edition.

The Danger Of FilteringBOB: (thinking he’d like to go out to dinner with Mary, as she comes in the door) What should we do for dinner tonight? MARY: (hears “When will dinner be ready?”) Why is it always my job to make dinner? I work as hard as you do. BOB: (hears her response as an attack and thinks, “Why is she always so negative?”) It is not always your job to make dinner. I made dinner once last week! MARY: (The negative cycle continues, because Mary tends to feel she does everything around the house.) Bringing home hamburgers and fries is not making dinner, Bob. BOB: (With frustration mounting, he gives up.) Just forget it. I didn’t want to go out with you anyway.

MARY: (confused, as she can’t remember him saying anything about going out) You never said anything about wanting to go out.BOB: ( feeling really angry) Yes I did! I asked you where you wanted to go out to dinner, and you got really nasty. MARY: I got nasty? You never said anything about going out. BOB: Did too! MARY: You’re never wrong, are you?----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sound familiar? You can see where things went wrong for them on this evening. Bob had a great idea, a positive idea, yet conflict blew out the evening. Bob was not as clear as he could have been in telling Mary what he was thinking. This left a lot of room for interpretation, and interpret Mary did. She assumed that he was asking—no, telling—her to get dinner on the table as she walked in the door.

Download - Matrimonial minefields -part one--track one--smmr

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