Download - Laughs&Lifts June 2013
1 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 1
Issue 59 June 2013FREE Take One Home
2 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 2
Lead your life so you won't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
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3 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 3
Don't be irreplaceable,if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted
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4 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 4
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
Geoff M. Gaunt, DMD Aesthetic General Dentistry2431 West Main Street, Dothan, AL
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Sedation Dentistry is a revolutionary way to accomplish your dentaltreatments without fear or anxiety. You dream…we work. SedationDentistry is often used during procedures that require an extensiveamount of time in the treatment chair, and sedation is ideal forpatients who exhibit dental phobia. Sedation Dentistry offersanxiety-free dental procedures as the patient is in a deeply relaxedstate. though fully responsive. It means something even moreimportant, a comfortable experience, so that little is felt orremembered from the dentistry procedure. When you awake, youare well rested, and your smile is healthier and more beautiful.
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Curious Name Places Located in the USA
● Paradox, strange as it may seem, is in NewYork
● Crapo, unfortunately for them is in Maryland● Boogertown, is happily in North Carolina● Hellhole, is depressingly to be found in
Idaho● Purgatory, is sadly in Maine● Volcano, an explosive place in Hawaii● Needmore, is in the greedy state of
Arkansas● Hardup, is in the poor [you must be joking}
state of Utah● Rudeville, surprisingly perhaps is in New
Jersey
● Boring, can be found in Oregon [I wonder ifit is?]
● Hell, is in Michigan [Some other places too,I suspect]
● Hooker, can be found in California [Andother places too]
● Virgin, is a place in Utah● Dulls Corner, is in Maryland [Do they wear
pointy hats there?]● Bowlegs, is amusingly in Oklahoma● Beersville, is a fine town in Pennsylvania● Fleatown, is an itchy place in Ohio● Burnt Corn, can be seen in Alabama● Two Guns, famously in Arizona● Toad Suck, is a found in Arkansas● A Monkey's Eyebrow, is based in Arizona
Retirement Savings
Shirley and Abe, a retiredcouple from New York City,living in Miami Beach, aregetting ready to go out todinner.Shirley says, "Abe, darling, doyou want me to wear thisChanel suit or the Gucci?" Abe says, "Do I care?" A few minutes later Shirleysays, "Abe, should I wear myCartier watch or my Rolex?"Abe says, "Who cares?"A few more minutes pass andShirley says, "Abe, love, shall Iwear my five-carat peardiamond ring or my six-caratround diamond ring with thebaguettes?"Abe says, "Shirley, I reallydon't care what you wear,but if you don't getmoving, we're going tomiss the Early BirdSpecial."
Worry is like arocking chair, it willgive you somethingto do, but it won'tget you anywhere.
5 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 5
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
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Implementsof Math
Destruction
At New York'sKennedy airport todayan individual, laterdiscovered to be apublic school teacher,was arrested trying toboard a flight while inpossession of a ruler,a protractor, asquare, a slide rule,and a calculator.
The Attorney Generalbelieves the man is amember of thenotorious Al-gebramovement. He isbeing charged withcarrying weapons ofmath instruction.
"Al-gebra is a veryfearsome cult,indeed", the AttorneyGeneral said. "Theydesire averagesolutions by meansand extremes, andsometimes go off on atangent in a search ofabsolute value. Theyconsist of quiteshadowy figures, withnames like "x" and
"y", and, althoughthey are frequentlyreferred to as"unknowns", we knowthey really belong to acommon denominatorand are part of theaxis of medieval withcoordinates in everycountry.
"As the great Greekphilanderer Isoscelesused to say, there arethree sides to everytriangle." When askedto comment on thearrest, President Bushsaid, "If God hadwanted us to havebetter weapons of mathinstruction, He wouldhave given us morefingers and toes."
6 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 6
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
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I know you are looking forward to football Season. Here’s a little recap of last year…Alabama beats Arkansas…Arkansas fires their coach,
Alabama beats Tennessee…Tennessee fires their coachAlabama beats Auburn…Auburn fires their coach.
Alabama beats Notre Dame…The Pope resigns. I wish the White House had a team.
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7 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 7
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and sheshows him into the living room. She excuses herself togo to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he'sstanding there alone, he notices a cute little vase on themantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, shewalks back in.He says "What's this?"She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."He says, "Jeez...oooh....I..."She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchento get an ashtray."
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8 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 8
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
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AGENTMURPHY
The CIA lost track of it’soperative in Ireland“Murphy. ” The CIA bosssays, “All I can tell you isthat his name is Murphyand that he’s somewhere inIreland. If you think you’velocated him, tell him thecode words, “The weatherforecast calls for mist in themorning. ” If it’s really him,he’ll answer, “Yes, and formist at noon as well. ” Sothe spy hunter goes toIreland and stops in a bar inone of the small towns. Hesays to the bartender,“Maybe you can help me.I’m looking for a guy namedMurphy. ” The bartenderreplies, “You’re going tohave to be more specificbecause, around here, thereare lots of guys namedMurphy. There’s Murphy theBaker, who runs the pastryshop on the next block.There’s Murphy the Banker,who’s president of our localsavings bank. There’sMurphy the Blacksmith, whoworks at the stables. And,as a matter of fact, myname is Murphy, too. ”Hearing this, the spy hunterfigures he might as well trythe code words on thebartender, so he says, “Theweather forecast calls formist in the morning. ” Thebartender replies, “Oh,you’re looking for Murphythe Spy. He lives right downthe street. ”
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9 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 9
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
LaughsLaughs&&LiftsLiftsDisclaimerDisclaimer
PARRISH PUBLISHINGP.O. BOX. 681 • OZARK, AL 36361
Laughs&Lifts is an outreachministry to inspire, informand entertain the reader.Any resemblance containedwithin this publication tosome one or some thing ispurely coincidental and notintended to bring harm orinsult to anyone.Information, stories, helpfulhints, jokes, studies and allother miscellaneouswritings, drawings, andpictures are publishedwithout malice, but with theintent to inspire andentertain, not to causedisillusionment or confusionto anyone; person, partyaffiliation, company,denomination or othernamed or unnamed entity.The writings containedwithin Laughs&Lifts do notnecessarily reflect the viewsor opinions of the publisher.
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10 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 10
Shopping around for car insurance?Auto-Owners Insurance offers broad, flexible
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ircle Insurance AgencyCall or visit us today!
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Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
I love spring time. It is a time when everything in the woods comes alive. All the trees areblooming and the grass is green. Everything that was dead through the winter has found newlife again. For me this time of year means that it is time to get on the water. I love to get inmy canoe and navigate the rivers and lakes fishing up and down the shores. It is easy to enjoyGod’s creation this time of year. The weather is perfect and the fish are biting. My boys and Ilove to camp and fish as much as we can and this time of year is perfect for teaching about thedifferent trees and plants because everything is in bloom and has found new life. God provideseverything we need just like He does for His creation. As outdoorsmen we harvest wild gameand catch fish to eat which is provision given by Him. These are blessings from Him. God has an awesome way of bringing new life in His creation but you can’t experience it unlessyou are out there in it. The spring time also provides a good opportunity to get friends and familyin the outdoors to learn and build your relationships with each other. There is nothing likespending time with my boys and watching them put into practice what I have taught them overthe years about the outdoors while also creating life time memories that we will never forget. God brings new life to you as well. Jesus said that He has come to give you life and give itmore abundantly. The bible says that when you accept Christ as Lord and Savior of your life thatyou are a new creation in Him. We need to pass this way of life down to our children and we alsoneed to pass down the way of salvation is through Christ. Looking to Him in order to have life andhave it more abundantly. Jesus died for you so that you can live for him. Take your kids out andenjoy this world that God has created but also teach them that as God has created new creationin the world around them that he can also create a new you! I’m TJ with Trails to God’s GreatOutdoors. I will see you on the trail.
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11 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 11
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
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Men Are Like...
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12 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 12
BEAT THE HEAT WITH A SLICE OF
PIEAunt T’sKitchen
CANDY BAR PIE
Ingredients
5 Snickers candy bars(2.07 ounces each), cut into 1/4-inch piec-es
1 pastry shell (9 inches), baked12 ounces cream cheese, softened1/2 cup sugar2 eggs1/3 cup sour cream1/3 cup peanut butter2/3 cup semisweet chocolate chips2 tablespoons heavy whipping cream
Directions
Place candy bar pieces in the pastry shell; setaside. In a large bowl, beat cream cheese andsugar until smooth. Add the eggs, sour creamand peanut butter; beat on low speed just untilcombined. Pour into pastry shell. Bake at 325° for 35-40minutes or until set. Cool on wire rack. In a large heavy saucepan, melt chocolatechips with cream over low heat; stir until smooth.Spread over filling. Refrigerate for 2 hours orovernight. Cut with a warm knife.
PEANUT BUTTER PIE
Ingredients
1-1/4 cup chocolate cookiecrumbs (20 cookies)1/4 cup sugar1/4 cup butter, meltedFILLING:1 package (8 ounces) cream cheese, softened1 cup creamy peanut butter1 cup sugar1 tablespoon butter, softened1 teaspoon vanilla extract1 cup heavy whipping cream, whippedGrated chocolate or chocolate cookie crumbs,optional
Directions
In a small bowl, combine cookie crumbs andsugar; stir in butter. Press onto the bottom and upthe sides of a 9-in. pie plate. Bake at 375° for 10minutes. Cool on a wire rack. For filling, beat the cream cheese, peanut butter,sugar, butter and vanilla in a large bowl untilsmooth. Fold in whipped cream. Gently spoon intocrust. Garnish with chocolate or cookie crumbs ifdesired. Store in refrigerator.
PINEAPPLE COCONUTPIE
Ingredients
1 cup cold milk 1 package (3.4 ounces) instant vanilla pudding mix 1/2 cup flaked coconut 1 can (8 ounces) unsweetened crushed pineapple, drained 1 pastry shell (9 inches), baked Whipped topping, optional
Aunt T’sKitchen
BEAT THE HEAT WITH A SLICE OF
PIE
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Directions
In a large bowl, whisk milk and pudding mix for2 minutes. Let stand for 2 minutes or untilthickened. Stir in coconut and pineapple. Pour intopastry shell. Chill for at least 2 hours. Garnish withwhipped topping if desired.
APPLE CREAMPIE
Ingredients
4 cups thinly slicedpeeled tart apples 2 tablespoons sugar 2 tablespoons lemon juice 1/4 cup butter 1 package (8 ounces) cream cheese, softened 1-1/2 cups cold milk, divided 1 package (3.4 ounces) instant vanilla puddingmix 1 teaspoon grated lemon peel 1 pastry shell (9 inches), baked 1/4 cup apricot preserves or strawberry jelly,melted
Directions
In a large skillet, saute apples, sugar andlemon juice in butter until apples are tender.Cool. In a bowl, beat the cream cheese untilsmooth; gradually beat in 1 cup milk, drypudding mix and lemon peel. Add remainingmilk; beat until thickened. Spread into pastryshell. Arrange apples over filling. Brush withpreserves. Refrigerate for 1 hour before serving.Brush with additional preserves if desired.
It's not hard to meetexpenses…
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14 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 14
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
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15 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 15
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
Dale County’sDale County’sSmall Business IncubatorSmall Business Incubator
“Where Business Begins &Industry Grows.”
Call 334-774-4952 • E-mail: [email protected] Hwy 231 S. Ozark, AL 36360
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PARTS & SERVICE
BoomerangBy: Wallace Kennedy, Jr.
A Boomerang is a bent orcurved piece of toughwood used by theAustralian Aborigines as athrowing club, one formof which can be thrown soas to return to the
thrower. In modern days other materials canbe used to fabricate one.
Today’s encouragement foryour spiritual enrichment:
Whatever in life that we giveaway comes back to us, somemay use the term of “reaping
what you sow.”
All through the Bible we see different verses ofScriptures that let us know; how we treatothers will impact how we are treated inreturn. Jesus said: Give and you will receive.Your gift will return to you in full—presseddown, shaken together to make room formore, running over, and poured into your lap.The amount you give will determine theamount you get back. Luke 6:38This is an old Principle of God that will neverchange. Genesis 8:22 While the earth remains,seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summerand winter, and day and night shall not cease.In simple terms, if you sow something, therewill be a harvest for what was sown.Food for thought: If life was a Boomerang, wethrew it and it was covered with: love, joy,peace, kindness, grace, forgiveness, mercy(tolerance for others mistakes/longsuffering)temperance (self-control) faithfulness,gentleness (not easily angered) and such likethese. These are the same things that willcome back to us. See Galatians 5:22-23
Now, throw your Boomerang, check what it iscovered with because those are the lifeexperiences that will be returned to our lives.
16 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 16
COMMUNITY
PEOPLE
QUALITY
HEALTHCARE
Dale Medical CenterHealth Focus
The Dale Medical Center DiabetesEducation & Nutrition ServicesProgram becomes an AADE-accrediteddiabetes education program.
Ozark, Alabama —Through the combined effortsof the Administration and Staff at Dale MedicalCenter and their consultant, Universa Diabetes,LLC of Dothan, AL, The Dale Medical Center Diabe-tes Education & Nutrition Services was recentlynamed an accredited diabetes education programby the American Association of Diabetes Educa-tors. This will allow residents in and around DaleCounty increased access to critical diabetes educa-tion services.
Diabetes education is a collaborative processthrough which people with or at risk for diabetesgain the knowledge and skills needed to modifybehavior and successfully self-manage the diseaseand its related conditions. It is provided by diabe-tes educators.
The Dale Medical Center Diabetes Education &Nutrition Services Program will be offering diabe-tes education and nutrition classes at Dale Medi-cal Center’s Outpatient Department, 126 HospitalAvenue, Ozark, Alabama 36303.
“We know how important diabetes self-manage-ment is to the diabetic community. We are grate-ful for the opportunity to work for the people of
Dale County, Program Coordinator, Lanora Medley,RN, BSN.
Leslie E. Kolb, RN, BSN, MBA, Program Director,Diabetes Education Accreditation Program. “DaleMedical Center Diabetes Education & NutritionServices is exactly the type of program we envi-sioned when we set up our accreditation programin 2009.”
Kidney stones are rock-like pieces that can form in theurinary system, usually in the kidney. They may bevery small or may grow to the size of a small pebble orlarger. Small kidney stones often leave the bodywithout a person even knowing about them, whilelarger stones may get stuck in one of the two ureters,causing pain and sometimes blocking urine flow.Anyone can get kidney stones, but they are mostcommon in men aged 20 to 60.Kidney stones are usually caused when water andwaste in the urine are out of balance. When this hap-pens, certain types of waste crystals separate fromthe urine. Instead of going out of the body in theurine, the crystals build up. Examples of these crystalsare uric acid, calcium, phosphate and oxalate. As thecrystals build up, they form clumps, or kidney stones.According to Dr. Juan Fernandez, Urologist at DaleMedical Center, you might be at higher risk of havingkidney stones if:
· You don't drink enough liquids(especially water) each day.
· You have urinary tract infections often.· You eat a certain type of diet. For example,
people who eat diet high in meat or salt maybe at higher risk of developing kidney stones.
17 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 1717 LaughsLaughs&&LiftsLifts LaughsandLifts.com 334-379-7603 September 2012 17
126 HOSPITAL AVE • OZARK, AL 36360334-774-2601
Visit Our Website Atwww.DaleMedical.orgFor the latest news &
Health information
People who eats foods higher in oxalate(found in nuts, chocolate, coffee, tea and greenleaky vegetables) may also be at a higher risk.
· You take certain medicines. These include some diuretics, steroids, and antacids.· Someone else in your family has had kidney stones.· You were born with a kidney or bowel disorder, or you have other medical problems such as gout.
Signs and Symptoms include pain in the middle of your back that moves across to your side. The pain maycontinue down toward your groin and may come and go.Other symptoms may include:
· Fever and chills· Nausea and vomiting· Problems with urination· Tenderness on your lower back, side and stomach.
The treatment will depend on the size and location of your kidney stone. For more information orappointment please contact, Dr. Juan Fernandez, at Advanced Urology, 334-774-1200.
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18 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 18
New Kitten 101
Congratulations on your new kitten! While youget to know each other, we want to provide youwith some information that will help make thetransition easier for you and your new familymember.
An ounce of prevention.•Immunizations: Your new kitten will need to visitthe veterinary clinic every 3-4 weeks duringkittenhood to build immunity through vaccination.•Frequent, regular fecal examinations anddeworming•Testing for Feline Leukemia Virus•Heartworm/Flea/Tick preventive•Identification tag/Microchip•Spay/Neuter your kitten•High quality diet formulated for kittens•Kitten-proof your home: remove toxins,electrical cords and heavy objects that could fallon your kitten.•Indoor cats live longer, healthier lives. If cats gooutdoors, they should be closely supervised at alltimes.•Handle your kitten’s mouth, feet and ears oftenso they learn to tolerate tooth brushing, nail trimsand ear cleanings.
Exercise and mental stimulation.Playtime with your kitten is great bonding timeand gives your kitten a chance to learn how theworld works. Offer toys that stimulate movement,such as fishing toys, balls and boxes. Toys thatemulate the wild nature of your kitten (e.g.: tallscratching posts, perches) help stimulate normalbehaviors and prevent unwanted behaviors. Usecaution with string and small objects for toys asthey can become stuck inside your cat’s body. Donot allow your kitten to play with electrical cords.
Grooming•Begin brushing your kitten’s teeth to ensuregood oral care•Regular nail trims•Brush the coat to prevent matting
Litter box. Kittens tend to naturally have goodlitter box habits. Litter boxes should be placed ina readily accessible location without stressfulnoises (e.g.: washing machines) nearby. To keepthose good habits, be sure to clean the box atleast once each day. By checking the litter box
daily, you will also be able to detect healthproblems sooner.We look forward to watching your kitten grow. Besure to call the clinic if you have any questions orconcerns about your new kitten. Call us to discusshow we can help prevent disease in your belovedpet's and let us know if we can help with your furryfamily members in anyway! We are hear for yourpet and you! Your Pets. Their Health. Our Passion!Lee Windham, DVM
Healing Hands Animal Hospital652 W. Roy Parker RoadOzark, Al 36360334-774-2263
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
0
ANIMAL HOSPITAL, LLC
“Your Pet. Their Health. Our Passion.”
FREE In Home Estimates by Dan Barefield
Cabinets Designed For LivingImagine our beautiful and functional custom designed
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19 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 19
If a man does his best, what more can we ask from him?
Do you find yourselflooking at others your ownage and thinking, "Surely I
can't look that old?"
If so, you'll love this one!
I was sitting in the waitingroom of my new dentist. Itwas my first appointment. Inoticed his diploma on thewall, which had his full name.
Suddenly, I recalled a tall,dark haired, handsome boywith the same name hadbeen in my high school classnearly 50 years ago. Couldthis be the same boy I had asecret crush on, way backthen?
When I saw him, however, Iquickly discarded thatthought. This gray haired,balding man with the deeplywrinkled face was way too oldto have been my classmate.Hmmm! Or could he?
After he examined my teeth, Iasked him if he had attendedNorthampton High School.
"Yes, I did!" he said. "I'm aKonkrete Kid." He gleamedwith pride.
"What year did yougraduate?" I asked.
"In 1959," he said. "Why doyou ask?"
"I was in your class!" Iexclaimed.
He looked at me closely.Then, that ugly, wrinkled, old,fat, bald, gray, decrepit SOBasked, "What did you teach?"
Artisan�Shopping�On�The�Square
Summer CampA counselor was helping his kids put their stuffaway on their first morning in Summer Camp.He was surprised to see one of the youngstershad an umbrella.The counselor asked, "Why did you bring! anumbrella to camp?"The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?
Old Saying Hidden in a Word Picture Puzzle
THE ANSWER IS IN PLAIN SITE IN THIS ISSUE.
20 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 20
LOGAN’S ALL PROLOGAN’S ALL PRO
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ACCESSORIES
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Tricare, AllKids, BC/BS & Most Other Insurance Plans AcceptedDoctor’s referral accepted but not required ~ All Military Families Welcome
● Behavioral Problems● Academic Problems● Marital Problems
● Depression● Anxiety● ADHD
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Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
SPECIAL ORDERS WELCOMEWe do birthday, wedding
and special occasion cakes and cupcakes.Also available are cookies, candies, bars,
loaf breads, muffins, cheese straws,cheese balls, and other light hors d’oeuvres.
SOUP & SANDWICH LUNCH11 AM - 2 PM Monday - Saturday
Facebook.com/EastAvenueBakeShoppe
Michelle Glaze, Owner158 Broad Street
Ozark, AL334-479-2253
Giant Burger
Denny's Beer Barrel Pub, inClearfield, Pennsylvania,already held the title with a6lb burger; owners thought a15-pound burger would provean even bigger attraction,reports the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.Diners who can finish the $44burger in less than five hourswin $350, a T-shirt and theirname posted on the pub'swall of fame. They also gotthe burger for free." Everyrestaurant needs a gimmick -ours is big burgers," saidDennis Liegey III, son of therestaurant's owner. Visitors come from as faraway as Australia andCalifornia just to see the 6-pounders and try to eatthem. The new burger,dubbed the Beer Barrel BellyBuster, is as big around asthe inside of a car tire. Eachone comes with a cup andhalf of mayonnaise, mustardand ketchup, a head oflettuce, two onions, threetomatoes and 25 slices ofcheese.
2) Another Whopper
Burger King's left handedwhopper:In 1998 Burger Kingpublished a full pageadvertisement in USA Todayannouncing a new item totheir menu: a "Left-HandedWhopper" specially designedfor the 32 million left-handed Americans.According to theadvertisement, the newwhopper included the sameingredients as the originalCONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE
21 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 21
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
BEAUTIFULBEAUTIFULBARBOUR COUNTY STATE LAKEBARBOUR COUNTY STATE LAKENEAR CLAYTON, AL.NEAR CLAYTON, AL.
Ray Windham, Manager Michael Horne, AssistantRay Windham, Manager Michael Horne, Assistant
334-367-8448334-367-8448CLOSED ON WEDNESDAYCLOSED ON WEDNESDAY
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This Property Is Wooded Has Lots Of Wildlife, Deer, Turkey,Rabbit Run Bountifully. 10 Acres In Mature Planted Pines.Rock Road To Pond. The Eight Acre Pond Is Beautiful And
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BUILDERS CASH & CARRYBUILDERS CASH & CARRY
FISHING TACKLE &FISH BAIT
Crickets, Worms & More
Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburgerpatty, etc.), but all the condiments wererotated 180 degrees for the benefit of theirleft-handed customers.
The following day Burger King issued afollow-up release revealing that although theLeft-Handed Whopper was a hoax,thousands of customers had gone intorestaurants to request the new sandwich.Simultaneously, according to the pressrelease, "many others requested their own'right handed' version."
22 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 22
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
MENTAL PATIENTSJack and Sue were both in a mentalhospital. Once they were walking pasta swimming pool, Jack suddenlyjumped into the deep end. He sunk tothe bottom and stayed there.Sue promptly jumped in to save him.He swam to the bottom and pulled Jackout. When the medical director becameaware of Sue's heroic act, heimmediately ordered him to bedischarged from the hospital, as he nowconsidered him to be mentally stable.When he went to tell Sue the news, hesaid, “Sue, I have good news and badnews. The good news is you're beingdischarged because since you were ableto jump in and save the life of anotherpatient, I think you've regained yoursenses.”The bad news is Jack, the patient yousaved, hung himself with his bathrobebelt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, buthe's dead.'Sue replied, “He didn't hang himself. Iput him there to dry.”
774-3294 ~ Downtown Ozark ~ 173 S. Union
THE BEST CHILI DAWGS & HAMBURGERS AROUND!PLUS SANDWICHES, SALADS & WRAPS
GET YOUR LOYALTY CARDGET YOUR LOYALTY CARDBUY 6 LUNCHES AND RECEIVE 7TH FREE
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Thursday, Friday & Saturday Nights 4:30 - 9:003½ Miles North of Ariton at 4822 Hwy 51 762-9837762-9837
Great Gift for Soldiers, Prisoners,Your Pastor, Out of Area Friends
or Yourself!$30 for 1 year (12 issues)
$50 ($25 ea.) For 2 or more yearsOr 2 or more subscriptions
Send name(s) address & check toParrish Publishing
P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al 36361
LaughsLaughs&&LiftsLiftsSubscription
GUNS, AMMO, & ACCESSORIESGUNS, AMMO, & ACCESSORIES
MIKE’SGUN SHOP
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9 - 5:30Mon - Sat
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We Aim To Please
23 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 23
SU
DO
KU
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
OLD ICE HOUSELUNCH BUFFET 11 AM - 2 PM TUESDAY- FRIDAY AND SUNDAY
PRIVATE PARTY ROOM AVAILABLE140 Jones Street Ozark, ALwww.theoldicehouserestaurant.com
OzarkOzarkTire & serviceTire & service
● New & Used Tires 774-1416● Oil Changes● Road Side Service
453 South Union Ave.Ozark, AL
RESIDENTIAL & COMMERCIAL….WE GET IT DONE!
CONGRATULATIONS TO:
They found Thor in the May Edition of Laughs&Lifts
They Have Won 1 Green Fees & Cart Fee fromFox Ridge Golf Course,
2 FREE Passes & a Bucket of Animal Food fromMcClellans Zoo,
Free Lunch Mon-Fri from KC’s Donuts & Dogs in Ozark,& 1 Laughs&Lifts T-Shirt
Arthur Webb of HeadlandTiffany Munn of Ozark
24 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 24
There is always death and taxes however death doesn't get worse every year.
Across1. Had a meal4. Mail carrier7. Regret10. Breakfast foodsometimes11. Uncooked12. ____ with her head!13. Back when14. Overwhelmingadmiration15. Land area16. Cultivation19. Puffed up21. Not very bright24. Dark black26. Like ocean water27. Strengthen the muscles29. Flower holder30. Curved entry area32. Jiffy lube product34. Dove call35. Hockey rink surface38. Everything39. Banking machine40. Criticize a lot41. Go on a plane42. Show grief43. Main mail center, abbr.
Down1. "Now I get it!"2. You're it game3. _____ stressed4. Russian river5. Bars that go into theteeth of ratchet wheels6. Gym wear7. Actor's job description?8. Alien craft9. Newt17. Kind of tube18. Tropical fruit19. Ex-GI20. Blood group system22. "___ show time!"23. Salon application25. State flowers of NewMexico28. Snapshot31. Baby growth area32. Clodhopper33. Not well36. Baseball headgear37. ___ trip
THE PLUNDER PALACETHE PLUNDER PALACEHIGHWAY 123 NORTH • OZARK
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Hello faithful readers,This month I'd like to start an idea for the nextseveral articles based on "tough decisions". Iwould really like for this thread of topics tostimulate you readers to send me a questionrelated to a tough dental decision you and yourdentist have had to make regarding your dentalhealth. I speak for my colleagues in saying thatthe toughest part about dentistry much of the timeis not so much doing the work, but decidingbetween several options for treatment. Whiletechnology has blessed us with some great newmaterials and techniques to use, it has also addedto the number of options for treatment. I'llsometimes confuse patients with more optionsthan they can comprehend at one time! I don'tmean to do that, but it is our obligation ascaregivers to give the options that are available tous.We'll dig right into that next month and pleaseconsider sending your "toughdecision" to me. The publisher and I will keep allquestions anonymous.
Health and Happiness,Geoff Gaunt,DMDdothancosmeticdentistry.com
ASK DR. GAUNTŸour Hometown Dentist”
25 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 25
THORBaby African Lion
Born 03/29/2013 Wed-Sun M & T by Appt.
COME SEE THOR &ALL THE BIG CATS AT
McCLELLAND’S
BANKS, AL334-243-4039
Adults are just kids who owe money
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Monday-Friday 6-5Saturday 6-12
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334-403-0134
Bob had finally made it to the last round of the$50,000 Question. The night before the bigquestion, he told the host MC that he desired aquestion on American History.The big night arrived. Bob made his way onstagein front of the studio and TV audience. He hadbecome the talk of the week. He was the bestguest this show had ever seen. The MC steppedup to the mike."Bob, you have chosen American History as yourfinal question. You know that if you correctlyanswer this question, you will walk away $50,000dollars richer. Are you ready?"Bob nodded with a cocky confidence -- the crowdwent nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.
"Bob, yours is a two-part question. As you know,you may answer either part first. As a rule, thesecond half of the question is always easier. Whichpart would you like to take a stab at first?"Bob was becoming more noticeably nervous. Hecouldn't believe it, but he was not sure, butAmerican History was his easiest subject, and heplayed it safe."I'll try the easier part first."The MC nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. Iwill ask you the second half first, then the firsthalf."The audience grew silent with gross anticipation..."Bob, here is your question: And in what year didit happen?"
TWO PART QUESTION
26 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 26
If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
1000 BUSINESS CARDS
$55Tax &
ShippingINCLUDED
Parrish Publishing322 Andrews Ave. Suite 3 Ozark, AL 36360
Colby’s RestaurantColby’s Restaurant“All You Can Eat Buffet”“All You Can Eat Buffet”
Downtown Ozark • 129 East Ave. Downtown Dothan • 191 N. FosterDowntown Ozark • 129 East Ave. Downtown Dothan • 191 N. Fosterwww.colbysplace.comwww.colbysplace.com
We Cater any Special OccasionBanquets • Receptions • Showers
Drunk in Saudi Arabia
An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate ofbooze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol isa severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming thebooze, they are all sentenced to death!However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfullyappeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi nationalholiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could bereleased after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthdaytoday, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back.This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When thepunishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix twopillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went throughagain and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to himand said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest inthe world. For this, you may have two wishes!""Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Englishman replied. "In recognition of yourkindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.""Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikhsaid with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And yoursecond wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.The Englishman smiled and said, "Tie the Frenchman to my back."
THE BESTTHING TO
DO BEHINDA PERSON’S
BACKIS TO
PAT IT..
27 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 27
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
TOMATOES
TheSawyers Produce220 W. Malvern HwyMalvern, Alabama
334-793-6690
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LaughsLaughs&&LiftsLiftsSubscriptionSubscription
Great Giftfor Soldiers, Prisoners, Your Pastor,
Out of Area Friends, Or Yourself.
$30 for 1 year (12 issues)$50 ($25 ea.) For 2 or more years
Or 2 or more subscriptions
Send name(s), address& check to:
Laughs&Lifts, IncP.O. Box 681 Ozark, AL. 36361
We Have Hidden This DalmatianIn 6 ads in this Months Edition Of
Laughs&Lifts
2 People will win a prize packageFrom area business’
Find All 6 Dalmations &FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS:
Mail the names of the 6 business in whichYou found the Dalmatians along with
Your Name, Phone # and Address, TO:Parrish Publishing
P.O. Box 681 Ozark, AL 36361OR
E-mail same to:[email protected] Line: Dalmatians
NO PHONE CALLSDrawing Held On the 20th of the Month
FIND THEDALMATION
Win Surprise Prize Package!Win Surprise Prize Package!
28 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 28
What is LAUGHS&LIFTS?LAUGHS&LIFTS is a FREE publication, published monthly and distributed anywhereconsumers experience wait times... hair salons, physicians’ offices, local schools,hospitals, hotels, senior centers, dentist offices, restaurants, mom's clubs, car washes,Laundromats, dance studios, martial arts centers, gymnastics clubs, and many more.
Each Edition of LAUGHS&LIFTS contains clean jokes, uplifting articles of faith, recipes, acrossword puzzle, Sudoku puzzles, interesting facts, and quotes...plus coupons, offers,and value for consumers to take home. LAUGHS&LIFTS is intended to stimulate theminds of customers and their families while they wait.
The goal of LAUGHS&LIFTS is to engage, entertain, encourage and provide valueeverywhere within the local community to maximize enjoyment for our readers andexposure to our advertisers.
Why Advertise in LAUGHS&LIFTS? Because Laughs&Lifts Deliver…...
1. Greater loyalty – When Laughs&Lifts is read by the readers. They sharetheir magazine or tell their friends about Laughs&Lifts.
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3. Multiple readers – Many are read multiple times in Doctors’ offices, beautyshops and auto repair shops.
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6. Over 200 sites in your market area gladly display and offer Laughs&LiftsFree to their customers.
7. 98% Pick-up ratio- For every 10,000 Laughs&Lifts printed, 9800 are pickedup and read… many are read by several of your potential customers. The2% of magazines that are not picked up are given to organizations thatdistribute to overseas soldiers, prisoners, and shut-ins.
8. Low Cost – Laughs&Lifts rates are lower than other magazines andnewspapers. Ad rates start at about $8.00/1000 magazines printed.
Laughs& Lifts 334-379-7603
Half of being smart, is knowing what you're dumb at.
29 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 29
Funny how small our sins seem, but how big 'their' sins are.
STAND OUT & ATTRACTSTAND OUT & ATTRACTATTENTION WITH FULL COLOR ADSATTENTION WITH FULL COLOR ADS
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You gotta stopwearingyour wishbone whereyour backboneoughta be!
The officer said,“Youdrinking?’
I said “YouBuying?”We justlaughed andlaughed.
I need bail money.
30 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 30
ANTIQUES
APPLIANCE REPAIR & SALES
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4-7
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494.0300
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abcapplianceozark.com32 Years Exp
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Take It Up or Let It Out!Buttons, Zippers, Hems & MendingQuality Work at Fair Prices
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KC’S DONUTS AND DAWGSKC’S DONUTS AND DAWGSServing Donuts Breakfast and Lunch
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173 S. UNION
BAKERY
SOUP & SANDWICH LUNCH11 AM - 2 PM Monday - Saturday
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Michelle Glaze, Owner158 Broad Street
Ozark, AL334-479-2253
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618 S. Union Ave.Ozark, Al.774-8012 M-F 6-5
Sat 6-12
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Check Printing Services
322 Andrews Ave.Ozark, AL
CHECK PRINTING
SMALL 1” AD $25 -$35Larger 2” AD $50 - $70
BUSINESS DIRECTORY
31 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 31
SEWING MACHINES SALES & SERVICE
THRIFT STORES
TAX PREPARATION
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& SILVER4177 Montgomery Hwy. Unit 6 Dothan, AL 334-699-4653
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ircle Insurance AgencyCall or visit us today!
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32 Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine [email protected] 334.379.7603 Issue 59 June 2013 32
Ben BakerFLOORING LLCWood ~ Ceramic ~ Carpet936 Andrews Ave.Ozark, AL.334-445-2866
CERAMIC TILENow ourLowestpricesOf the year!
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