Download - Diary of a wimpy kid script
RODRICK: Greg!
GREG: Huh?Wwhat?
RODRICK:Mom and dad have been calling you for an hour your aobut to be late for your first day of middle school
Greg: wHAT?!
gREG LOOKS AT CLOCK READS 8:01
Greg: oh jeese, how did that happen?Rodrick: Go, go, go mom's about to flip out she told me to
get you, shes waiting in the car
Greg runs down stairs and gets ready for school. His dad runs in with baseball bat
Dad: Hiah!What are you doing?What's going on?Greg: Getting rady for(llooks out window and sees
darkness)School...Dad: are you insane?School doesnt start till next week and fyi it also doesn't start at 4 am! You woke up manny and if he doesn't go ack to sleep(omom and manny wlak in)good
morning.Mom: There is no way he's going back to bed. I just wanted
to sleep till six.Dad: go to bed i got him.
Momo:Greg what are you up for making all this noise?Greg: It was rodrick he woke me up and he changed my
clock
cut to rodrick sleeping in bed in his room.
Greg: But i swear he was just...Mom: Go to bed.(exits with manny)
Dad:(while exiting) What is that smell?Camera moves back to rodrick who smiles.
Greg:First of all let's get somthing straight this is a hournal not a diary i knoew what it says on the cover but when my
om went out to buy it i specifically told her to gewto get one that didn't saY "DIARY" ON IT.This just proves mom doesn't understand anything about kids my age.The only reason i
even agreed to write in this thing was because when i'm rich and famous i'll have better things to do then sit around and
answer people's stupid questions all day long.Reporter: Greg, tell us about your childhood
Reporter 2: Greg were you always so smart and handsome?Greg: Heres my Journal
Mom got me this thing so i could write down my feelings about starting middle school, but i'll be fine its' my best
friend rowley jefferson i'm worried about.hE'S DEFINATELY NOT MIDDLE SCHOOL READY.He doesn't really get the concept og rowing up.I ALWAYS FIGURED THEY WOULD
AMEK A MOVIE ABOUT ME BUT I DIDNT THINK THEY WOULD START HERE, I MEAN WHO WANTS TO SEE A MOVIE ABOUT A
KID STUCK IN MIDDLE SCHOOL with a bunch of morons
gREGS ROOM ALARM CLOCK RINGS
greg gets out of bed and wlaks into hallway. rodrick attacks him
Greg: Let me go rodrick.(wiggles out of headlock)
Rodric: Come on just having some fun right?No ok so look mom told me to give you some adveice about starting
middle school, look its real simple... don't talk to anyone, dont look at anyone dont go any where, dont raise your
hand, dont go to the bathroom,Dont get noticed,dont choose the wrong locker, dont..ah who am i kidding you'll be dead or
homeschoold by the end of the year anyway.
Cut to kitchen. eatsing breakfeast.
Mom: let's get a move on don't want to be late for your fist day of school.
School outsideBell rings, reg walks into mayhem
Greg: Let me just say for the record i think middle school is the worst invention ever.There are juvinile delinquents,
Wweirdos...
Kid1:hey Greg.
Greg: Hey...Thank god their are a few normal people or this place would be a freak show.
Walks int homeroom.
Greg: If your as discriminating as i am it can be tuff to figure out where to sit on your first day of middle school.One bad omve and your stuck next to some idiot for the rest of the
year.
Rowley walks in in som forien thing
Rowley;Greg!!(Waves)
Greg: remember how i said rowley wasnt middle school ready?Wwell there you go...
Rowley: Hola amigo.Spanish,Spanish,Spanish
v Wwhat are you waering?
Rowley: My family just gto back from guatemala its my serbare.Nice huh?
Teacher: Alright class I'm mrs.WalkerEverybody take your seats.
reg sits near rowley
Teacher: Wwelcome to your first day f middle school.Remember your seats you'll be sitting here everyday.
Outside on bleachersGreg:Rowley if you had to rank yourself on a popularity scale
of 1 to 200 where would you put yourself? i would put myuself at 19 maybe i would even have a shot a t the top
spot by the end of the year.
Rowley: I s 200 good or bad?
Greg: I would say your around the 154 mark.
Rowley: Wwell who's at the bottom?
Frigglton: Hey guys wanna see my secrewet freckle? it has a hair on it!!!
Greg:Fregly, sent home for hygene issues at least once a month.
Fregly: Check it out.. its got a hair on it!!!
Rowley: What color is that?
Fregly: You wanna help me name it?
Gym Teacher: Alright ladies gather aroundpit the knitting down let's go. alright everybody i am coach molone i will be your gym teacher.P.E. Is as much a part of my life as waking up in the moring and going to the bathroom.I live and breath
phyiscal education! who's with me?Are you ready to have some fun out there?
Rowley: YAH!!
Gym teacher:Great now wwe are gonna divide you into to teams... you there you 2 there you over there ...good.Ok let's
sart with a game i like to call GLADIATOR!
Shots of them playing gladiator(very rough)
Other team runs at them
Rowley: Oh god
They run.
Rowly: Were never gonna out run these guys...
Greg: wew dont have to outrun them we just have to outrun Fregly
Other team tackles fregly
Rowley And greg run under the bleachers
Rowley: Do you think they saw us?
Greg: No, We will hide here for the rest of class.
Rowley: Why?
Greg: Beacause im not playing that game..its not fair... it's barbaric
Haley: It's completey bararic
Boys turn around to see a girl under the bleachers reading
Haley: This place is an itellectuall wasteland
Rowley: You girls get to jump rope..what are you doing hiding?
Haley: Avoiding the pain.It all starts in middle school you no youre not a kid anymore but not an adult either, the prople here are separated bvy intellegance, you know like the girls
youve been friends with since kindergarten.. .they wont evne talk to you anymore.
Greg: K weel ll it sounds like youve got it all figured out so go back to your book
Haley: Thisplace is a glorified holding pen, its where adults put you when you make that akward transition from child to
teenager, Hi im halkey(stick pout her hand for them to shake)
rowley rechees out bt greg stops him.
Greg:We're gonna go now
Rowley: why this is a good spot.
Haley:This is a perfect spot, i survived the entire sixth grade under here and i would enjoy some company to get me
throught the seventh...
Greg: Is that the whistle: I think i hear the whistle, we better go(takes rowley's hand and leads him out)
Howley: Wwhy are we leaving we'll get killed out nhere i n the open
Greg: Put your shirt on theyll tihnk wrere on thewre team.besides being crushed is better than being seen with that freak job, trust me you cant recover from social suicide
Rowley: Ive never talked to a girl that long before
Greg: wow check that out(walks over to cheese with rowley)
Rowley: Is that cheese?
grge reaches down to touch it but fregly runs up and stops him.
Freggly: godnbess man you almost got the cheese otuch\
Greg: The waht?
Kid: The cheese touch. nobody knows when or how but one dat that cheese mysteriously appeared on the blacktop.
nobody knew who ti belongewd to so nobody touched and nobody ever cleaned it up.growing more fowl and powerful by the day then one day a boy named darren walsh made
the biggest moiistake of his life.
kid2: Darren touched the cheese
Darren: no i didnt i just looked at it raly
all the kids ran away
Kid: Darren had the cheese touch it was worse then nuculear cooties.he became an outcast the only way to get rid of the
cheese touch was by passing it on to someone else
darren touches girl
Kid: so it began the cheese touch frenzyfriend turning on friendbrother turning on sister it was maddness until a
german exchange studenttook it away saddley for him he didnt understand the cheese touch thing. tat was lost in
translation so when he moved back to germany he took the cheese touch with him. so the cheese sits patienly waiting
for its next victim.
Rowley;wow
Kid: This is a terrible place
cut to hallway greg walks into the girls bathroom screams then he runs out
cut to cafeteria
Greg: The cafeteria possibly the creulest place on earth but i was about to make some kids day by sitting next to them
walks up to a seat and is about to sit down when kid comes up
Kid 3: That seat is saved
Greg:For who?
Kid 3: Its just saved.
greg walks around to other chair and kid 3 says:
kid3: that ones saved to.
walks up to 3 other people and they say thigs like so not happening, not gonna work, etc.
Rowley: Where are we supposed to eat?
eat next to wal by trash cans with freggly
Freggly: I guess this is where the cool guys hangout?
Greg: Freggly must have bumped his head when he was little like really hard.Ok, Ok so my first day could have gone
better but at least iwasnt humiliated
AS kids are xitingrowley runs twords grg loudly saying:
Rowley: Greg wanna come home with me and have a playdate?
Everyone freezes and looks at greg
Cool kid 1: Waht did he just say to you?
Greg: Oh well I think my ride's here
Cool kdi: So this guy says to that guy you wanna come over and have a playdate..
Rowley:(Puts his arm around greg) Ya do you wanna come to?
See here's the problem right now i have to take ase fromt these morons but in 20 years they will be working for me.
Coolkid adult: Greg please dont fire me i need this job scoping your dog'spoop
Greg rich: I'll think about it.
maid brings himice cream sundae no i said vanilla on bottpom choclate on the top i cant eat this!
cuts to boys walking home
greg: palydate?! ive told you lieka million times that guys our age say hangout
Rowley: Whooops.
Greg: I f your not gonna listen toi me just tell me cause if you keep saying that im gnna be sitting on the cafeteria floor for the rest of middle school i cant e the guy woh eats off his lap
in the caferteriai should be at the top of the food chain by
nowsomthing gotta change, fast
Rowley: My mom told me to just be myself and people would like me
Greg: Tha would be good adveice if you were somone else.
lolded diaper van pulls up in fornt of the house
Rodrick gets out of van.
Rodrick: Hey little brother, your firsat day as crappy as i said it would be?
Greg: No not at all you were wrong it was acuallly-
Rowley: Worse
Rodirck: You didnt listen to me did you? i told you not to talk look or go anywhere and look what that got you
Rowley: He had to eat his lunch on the floor
Rodrick: If no one wants you sitting at there table you think they want chummy buttons?I was right your not gonna make
it out of there alive!The only chance you have of making yearbook is when they dedicate it to your memory.Laughs
and exitsRowley: So wanna play twisted wizard?
Greg: No i have abetter idea...
Rdoricks "attic"
Rowley: If he catches you up here your dead, he will kill you literally kill you
Greg: He's rehearsing, as long as we hear the music we are okay
gets catalog from under bed
Rowey: wow i didnt know rodrick was inot motorcycles
Greg: Now look rodrick's middle school yearbook,Rowley this thing is lieka bible see this is where a person liek me needs
to be, class favorites.There the best in ther class these people arent nobodys there famous, they dont need to worry
about getting a seat in the cafeteria either.Check this out there are tons things i can try for Most likely to suceed best
looking class clown they should just give that to me right now
Rowley; DOnt you have to be funny for that?Hey we could try for cutest friends
Rodrick enters
Rodrick what did i tell you would happen if you ever came in my room again?
Rowley: But your band is still playing...
Rodrick: Its the bass solo turdx buglar dont yuou now anything about music?! i came up here to get a new
drumstick and since mom and dad are gone im gonig to kill you literally kill you
Rowley: I told you
Rodrick:Beat it rowley
Ok but i just want to say grabs rodricks leg run greg rungreg runs
Rodrick: LET GO BABY HIPPO
Greg runs into his roommand closes and locks the door
Rodrick: Your gonna have to come out sometime lsoer and ills tand here as long as it akes then your dead
greg lloks under door and rodricks shoes are there
Greg: Timeout rodrick i have to pee
Rosrick: No timeouts... only death
Greg: but i reallly have to gorodrick: dont care
greg steps back ff of greg in his room sees man watering outside,speinkler,water drippinghis fish tanklooks under the
door and still sees rodrick's shoes gets armed in hocjey mask and tennis raqet then opens the door and says hiah! there is
none there
looks down and sees rodrick's shoesthen runs to the bathroom
Greg:ahh much better rodrick jumps out of bathtub
Greg and Rodrick: AHHHHH
greg pees on rodrickmom walks in
Mom: What is going on?
Rodrick: Greg sterted it i was just coming in to take a shower
Greg: Hes lying hes trying to kill me cause i was in is room
Mom: So you peed on hium?
Greg: Yes, i mean no i mean
Rodrick: Yes
cut to greg scrubing the bathroom floorCut to janitor sweeping, he skips the cheese
Rowley: Wow theres a lot to sign up for you could be class favorite in a lot of things. Jazz Dancing! we could do that one
together
Greg:I cant believe all these activities they're all so much work.Stayingafter school meeting before school,on
weekends.What kind fo extracirricular activities are these?
Becky:Out of my way.Who let you into this chool greg heffley?
I was thinking the same thing about you patty farrell
Becky:You listen to me Greg heffley Im riunnging for student concilvicepresedent and im warning you,I foyu get in my way ill beat yoiu up jus like i did in kindergarten, and forth grade.
Rowley: Fourth gradse that one was ugly.
Greg:wHATS HER PROBLEM? wHAT DID I EVER DO TO HER?
Rowley: You called her fat AND UGLY
Greg:Come on thta was pretty funny. She needs a sense of humor.And i need somthing to make me a class favorite.
Hely: What about class favorites?
Greg:Doont you ever say hi or hello before you start talking?
Haley:Hi
Rowley:Hello. Oh greg is only here because he really wants to be somthing...
Greg:Rowley!!I was just saying that i would really like to nail these people because its so obvioous that there only doing
these activities to get in the yearbook.
Haley: You know i like your point of view.You should sign up for the school paper. were the voice of the people,Wwell the people are mostly idiots so i guess technically speakingwere
the voice of the people maing fun of the people,
Greg:thanks but i cant be in the paper because im going to be in the paper a lot so that would be a conflict of interest.
Haley: Youre the people got it.
Greg:do you believe me now that girl is crazy town.
rowley:look they have wrestling!
Greg:thats it im gret at wrestling ive watched it for years i know
allt the moves
Flashack
Greg:tombstone piledriver. chair shot.vader bomb.
cut to gym
Greg:okay somthing is seriously worng here.
rowley: these dont look like wrestling costrumes to me.
coach:welcome to wrestling, you future olypians!so just to make sure we all get off on he right foot and nobody gets
seriously injured, were gonna teach you a few basic moves,remember this is about having fun and learning the
sport!ALL RIght itsa not a competiion because everyone here is already superstars to me.
greg raises hand
ya hefflly
what about pile drivers and vater bombs
coach:that is fake wrestling.This is real wrestling!lets go!!
if i have to wrestle benny wells hell kill me
coach:Lets omve comeon!
greggly vs. heffly
coach:alright lets see what you got
Greg:dont worry gregly ill go easy on you
freggly tackles greg
Greg:hEY i wasnt ready
coach:nobody's keeping score but that was a sweet takedown freggly!
shots of freggly fighting greg
coach all right fregly! outstanding. and lets hear it for our other winner
rowley stand up and cheers for greg
greg and rowley waling up hill
Gready?reg:
i cant lose to freggly again
if i get beat by the wierdest kid in school nobody's ever gonna let me sit at thier trable.
rowley:how are you gonna beat him?ts like he had super human stregth
Greg:im gonna gonna beat him. im gonna gain 10pounds this week so i can move up wieght classes and you and i can
wrestle each other.ready?
can i throw at yo now?
Greg:later youre better at riding and im a much better thrower
greg trows ball and he misse s and hits ceramic
dinner
mom:save some for everyone else greg.
Greg:i cant i need to bulk up
mom: why i trhin youtrre bdoy kool sbuetiful just the way it
is.
rodrick: ah i h
eard e got his butt kicked at wrestling.Now whats wrong with you? why would you sign up for somthing you dont have to
do?
dad: you signed up for wrestling?
Greg:kinda
rodrick:you never sign up for anything at school you fly below the radar that way you nver raise anyones
expectations.dad:L thank you rodrick for those words of motovational
wisodm but perhaps a better way to look at it is that it is a chance to learn and excel at somthing.
rodrick: what could i learn at school that i cant teach myself?
dad:well i think think its great youre trying somthing new this is the first step to responsibility!I think you could be big and strong we could train get the right nutrition cardio.you
woul dbe in tip top shape and it would only take like 3 months
Greg:three months?
yeah
ill just stick to eating
well i dont know ere you put it heffley ,but you gained 10 pounds and moved up a classs
yes
rowley: i thought you ididnt gain any wiehg this wwekk
Greg:i used my moms ankle wieghts
alright heffley time to meet youre new opponent
becky is standiong in ready position
wat but his is boys wrestling
becky:ever hear of title nine?
her parents threatened to sue so you show her what its like to wrestle a real live boy!!
they wrestle
circling each other
haley: come on what are yo waiting for dont be such a woose heffley
shes a girl where do i grab her?haley tackles him.
stay down
haley: paty over here
haley takes picture
passing the bleachers.
well look who's in the paper.
rowley: greg your famous! right on the front page!
rowley's bedroom
and if i had pinned her, which i could have done easily,you know i would have gotten in trouble for hutrting a girl.
rowley; why does she even eant to wrestle?
who knows girls are very confusing like today for example i heard somone in the hallway say bryce anderson has a cute
butt
rowley: a butt cant br cute...its a butt
i know but thats' what theyre saying.i dont see why firls cant just talk like normal people
rowley: so how are you gonna become a class favorite now?
two wordsbest dressed
rowley: how are ytou gonna do that?
fashion is easy you wear a shirt and a tie and kids are impressed.Im telling you this is gonna wok.
grge walks down hallway in suit
ses rowley is wearing same thing ta da!
i tod you i was weARING THIS
I KNOW!I WANted to be matchers
Greg:you know maybe rodrick was right about rowley. maybe i do need a new best friend but i cant just ditch him i mean if any
body has a better idea i would like to hear it. Well seince i cant leave rowley and ditch him maybe i can fix him!because
thats the kind of firend i am
what are you doing?
making you clothes more middle school friendlylook at this tuss to babyish and...wird,to"why dont you just punch me
now", wat ar u a fir iexchange dstudent?, oh man this one we burn!!
that was a present from ym mom
well then youre momo is trying to get you killed.
outside
reday steady goorowley walks
non no no you look like one of the seven dwrfs.You only need one strap. One strap is cool
but theres two straps why do they make teo straps if you only usew one?
because the people who make backpacks arent cool!if they werere cool theyd give it one strap like the cool one strap guys do.You know what has one strap?Machine guns.you
know what else electric guitarsyou knoiw wat else-ause i discoveed him.
rowley; purses
but joshie is cool
rowley joshie is not cool hes a lip synchining pop star whose fsans are eight years old girls
youre just jealous because i discovered him
who you gonna trust joshie or me?
joshie says respect your parents and follow your dreams
then joshie must get beatan up a lot.
next day at school
Rodrick: Greg!Greg: Huh?Wwhat?
Rodrick:Mom and dad have been calling you for an hour your aobut to be late for your first day of middle schoolGreg: wHAT?! gREG LOOKS AT CLOCK READS 8:01
Greg: oh jeese, how did that happen?Rodrick: Go, go, go mom's about to flip out she told me to
get you, shes waiting in the car
Greg runs down stairs and gets ready for school. His dad runs in with baseball bat
Dad: Hiah!What are you doing?What's going on?Greg: Getting rady for(llooks out window and sees
darkness)School...Dad: are you insane?School doesnt start till next week and fyi it also doesn't start at 4 am! You woke up manny and if he doesn't go ack to sleep(omom and manny wlak in)good
morning.Mom: There is no way he's going back to bed. I just wanted
to sleep till six.Dad: go to bed i got him.
Momo:Greg what are you up for making all this noise?
Greg: It was rodrick he woke me up and he changed my clock
cut to rodrick sleeping in bed in his room.
Greg: But i swear he was just...Mom: Go to bed.(exits with manny)
Dad:(while exiting) What is that smell?Camera moves back to rodrick who smiles.
Greg:First of all let's get somthing straight this is a hournal not a diary i knoew what it says on the cover but when my
om went out to buy it i specifically told her to gewto get one that didn't saY "DIARY" ON IT.This just proves mom doesn't understand anything about kids my age.The only reason i
even agreed to write in this thing was because when i'm rich and famous i'll have better things to do then sit around and
answer people's stupid questions all day long.Reporter: Greg, tell us about your childhood
Reporter 2: Greg were you always so smart and handsome?Greg: Heres my Journal
Mom got me this thing so i could write down my feelings about starting middle school, but i'll be fine its' my best
friend rowley jefferson i'm worried about.hE'S DEFINATELY NOT MIDDLE SCHOOL READY.He doesn't really get the concept og rowing up.I ALWAYS FIGURED THEY WOULD
AMEK A MOVIE ABOUT ME BUT I DIDNT THINK THEY WOULD START HERE, I MEAN WHO WANTS TO SEE A MOVIE ABOUT A
KID STUCK IN MIDDLE SCHOOL with a bunch of morons
gREGS ROOM ALARM CLOCK RINGS
greg gets out of bed and wlaks into hallway. rodrick attacks him
Greg: Let me go rodrick.(wiggles out of headlock)
Rodric: Come on just having some fun right?No ok so look
mom told me to give you some adveice about starting middle school, look its real simple... don't talk to anyone, dont look at anyone dont go any where, dont raise your
hand, dont go to the bathroom,Dont get noticed,dont choose the wrong locker, dont..ah who am i kidding you'll be dead or
homeschoold by the end of the year anyway.
Cut to kitchen. eatsing breakfeast.
Mom: let's get a move on don't want to be late for your fist day of school.
School outsideBell rings, reg walks into mayhem
Greg: Let me just say for the record i think middle school is the worst invention ever.There are juvinile delinquents,
Wweirdos...
Kid1:hey Greg.
Greg: Hey...Thank god their are a few normal people or this place would be a freak show.
Walks int homeroom.
Greg: If your as discriminating as i am it can be tuff to figure out where to sit on your first day of middle school.One bad omve and your stuck next to some idiot for the rest of the
year.
Rowley walks in in som forien thing
Rowley;Greg!!(Waves)
Greg: remember how i said rowley wasnt middle school ready?Wwell there you go...
Rowley: Hola amigo.Spanish,Spanish,Spanish
v Wwhat are you waering?
Rowley: My family just gto back from guatemala its my serbare.Nice huh?
Teacher: Alright class I'm mrs.WalkerEverybody take your seats.
reg sits near rowley
Teacher: Wwelcome to your first day f middle school.Remember your seats you'll be sitting here everyday.
Outside on bleachersGreg:Rowley if you had to rank yourself on a popularity scale
of 1 to 200 where would you put yourself? i would put myuself at 19 maybe i would even have a shot a t the top
spot by the end of the year.
Rowley: I s 200 good or bad?
Greg: I would say your around the 154 mark.
Rowley: Wwell who's at the bottom?
Frigglton: Hey guys wanna see my secrewet freckle? it has a hair on it!!!
Greg:Fregly, sent home for hygene issues at least once a month.
Fregly: Check it out.. its got a hair on it!!!
Rowley: What color is that?
Fregly: You wanna help me name it?
Gym Teacher: Alright ladies gather aroundpit the knitting down let's go. alright everybody i am coach molone i will be your gym teacher.P.E. Is as much a part of my life as waking up in the moring and going to the bathroom.I live and breath
phyiscal education! who's with me?Are you ready to have some fun out there?
Rowley: YAH!!Gym teacher:Great now wwe are gonna divide you into to
teams... you there you 2 there you over there ...good.Ok let's sart with a game i like to call GLADIATOR!
Shots of them playing gladiator(very rough)
Other team runs at them
Rowley: Oh god
They run.
Rowly: Were never gonna out run these guys...
Greg: wew dont have to outrun them we just have to outrun Fregly
Other team tackles fregly
Rowley And greg run under the bleachers
Rowley: Do you think they saw us?
Greg: No, We will hide here for the rest of class.
Rowley: Why?
Greg: Beacause im not playing that game..its not fair... it's barbaric
Haley: It's completey bararic
Boys turn around to see a girl under the bleachers reading
Haley: This place is an itellectuall wasteland
Rowley: You girls get to jump rope..what are you doing hiding?
Haley: Avoiding the pain.It all starts in middle school you no youre not a kid anymore but not an adult either, the prople here are separated bvy intellegance, you know like the girls
youve been friends with since kindergarten.. .they wont evne talk to you anymore.
Greg: K weel ll it sounds like youve got it all figured out so go back to your book
Haley: Thisplace is a glorified holding pen, its where adults put you when you make that akward transition from child to
teenager, Hi im halkey(stick pout her hand for them to shake)
rowley rechees out bt greg stops him.
Greg:We're gonna go now
Rowley: why this is a good spot.
Haley:This is a perfect spot, i survived the entire sixth grade under here and i would enjoy some company to get me
throught the seventh...
Greg: Is that the whistle: I think i hear the whistle, we better go(takes rowley's hand and leads him out)
Howley: Wwhy are we leaving we'll get killed out nhere i n
the open
Greg: Put your shirt on theyll tihnk wrere on thewre team.besides being crushed is better than being seen with that freak job, trust me you cant recover from social suicide
Rowley: Ive never talked to a girl that long before
Greg: wow check that out(walks over to cheese with rowley)
Rowley: Is that cheese?
grge reaches down to touch it but fregly runs up and stops him.
Freggly: godnbess man you almost got the cheese otuch\
Greg: The waht?
Kid: The cheese touch. nobody knows when or how but one dat that cheese mysteriously appeared on the blacktop.
nobody knew who ti belongewd to so nobody touched and nobody ever cleaned it up.growing more fowl and powerful by the day then one day a boy named darren walsh made
the biggest moiistake of his life.
kid2: Darren touched the cheese
Darren: no i didnt i just looked at it raly
all the kids ran away
Kid: Darren had the cheese touch it was worse then nuculear cooties.he became an outcast the only way to get rid of the
cheese touch was by passing it on to someone else
darren touches girl
Kid: so it began the cheese touch frenzyfriend turning on friendbrother turning on sister it was maddness until a
german exchange studenttook it away saddley for him he didnt understand the cheese touch thing. tat was lost in
translation so when he moved back to germany he took the cheese touch with him. so the cheese sits patienly waiting
for its next victim.
Rowley;wow
Kid: This is a terrible place
cut to hallway greg walks into the girls bathroom screams then he runs out
cut to cafeteria
Greg: The cafeteria possibly the creulest place on earth but i was about to make some kids day by sitting next to them
walks up to a seat and is about to sit down when kid comes up
Kid 3: That seat is saved
Greg:For who?
Kid 3: Its just saved.
greg walks around to other chair and kid 3 says:
kid3: that ones saved to.
walks up to 3 other people and they say thigs like so not happening, not gonna work, etc.
Rowley: Where are we supposed to eat?
eat next to wal by trash cans with freggly
Freggly: I guess this is where the cool guys hangout?
Greg: Freggly must have bumped his head when he was little like really hard.Ok, Ok so my first day could have gone
better but at least iwasnt humiliated
AS kids are xitingrowley runs twords grg loudly saying:
Rowley: Greg wanna come home with me and have a playdate?
Everyone freezes and looks at greg
Cool kid 1: Waht did he just say to you?
Greg: Oh well I think my ride's here
Cool kdi: So this guy says to that guy you wanna come over and have a playdate..
Rowley:(Puts his arm around greg) Ya do you wanna come to?
See here's the problem right now i have to take ase fromt these morons but in 20 years they will be working for me.
Coolkid adult: Greg please dont fire me i need this job scoping your dog'spoop
Greg rich: I'll think about it.
maid brings himice cream sundae no i said vanilla on bottpom choclate on the top i cant eat this!
cuts to boys walking home
greg: palydate?! ive told you lieka million times that guys our age say hangout
Rowley: Whooops.
Greg: I f your not gonna listen toi me just tell me cause if you keep saying that im gnna be sitting on the cafeteria floor for the rest of middle school i cant e the guy woh eats off his lap
in the caferteriai should be at the top of the food chain by nowsomthing gotta change, fast
Rowley: My mom told me to just be myself and people would like me
Greg: Tha would be good adveice if you were somone else.
lolded diaper van pulls up in fornt of the house
Rodrick gets out of van.
Rodrick: Hey little brother, your firsat day as crappy as i said it would be?
Greg: No not at all you were wrong it was acuallly-
Rowley: Worse
Rodirck: You didnt listen to me did you? i told you not to talk look or go anywhere and look what that got you
Rowley: He had to eat his lunch on the floor
Rodrick: If no one wants you sitting at there table you think they want chummy buttons?I was right your not gonna make
it out of there alive!The only chance you have of making yearbook is when they dedicate it to your memory.Laughs
and exitsRowley: So wanna play twisted wizard?
Greg: No i have abetter idea...
Rdoricks "attic"
Rowley: If he catches you up here your dead, he will kill you literally kill you
Greg: He's rehearsing, as long as we hear the music we are okay
gets catalog from under bed
Rowey: wow i didnt know rodrick was inot motorcycles
Greg: Now look rodrick's middle school yearbook,Rowley this thing is lieka bible see this is where a person liek me needs
to be, class favorites.There the best in ther class these people arent nobodys there famous, they dont need to worry
about getting a seat in the cafeteria either.Check this out there are tons things i can try for Most likely to suceed best
looking class clown they should just give that to me right now
Rowley; DOnt you have to be funny for that?Hey we could try for cutest friends
Rodrick enters
Rodrick what did i tell you would happen if you ever came in my room again?
Rowley: But your band is still playing...
Rodrick: Its the bass solo turdx buglar dont yuou now anything about music?! i came up here to get a new
drumstick and since mom and dad are gone im gonig to kill you literally kill you
Rowley: I told you
Rodrick:Beat it rowley
Ok but i just want to say grabs rodricks leg run greg rungreg runs
Rodrick: LET GO BABY HIPPO
Greg runs into his roommand closes and locks the door
Rodrick: Your gonna have to come out sometime lsoer and ills tand here as long as it akes then your dead
greg lloks under door and rodricks shoes are there
Greg: Timeout rodrick i have to pee
Rosrick: No timeouts... only death
Greg: but i reallly have to gorodrick: dont care
greg steps back ff of greg in his room sees man watering outside,speinkler,water drippinghis fish tanklooks under the
door and still sees rodrick's shoes gets armed in hocjey mask and tennis raqet then opens the door and says hiah! there is
none there
looks down and sees rodrick's shoesthen runs to the bathroom
Greg:ahh much better rodrick jumps out of bathtub
Greg and Rodrick: AHHHHH
greg pees on rodrickmom walks in
Mom: What is going on?
Rodrick: Greg sterted it i was just coming in to take a shower
Greg: Hes lying hes trying to kill me cause i was in is room
Mom: So you peed on hium?
Greg: Yes, i mean no i mean
Rodrick: Yes
cut to greg scrubing the bathroom floorCut to janitor sweeping, he skips the cheese
Rowley: Wow theres a lot to sign up for you could be class favorite in a lot of things. Jazz Dancing! we could do that one
together
Greg:I cant believe all these activities they're all so much work.Stayingafter school meeting before school,on
weekends.What kind fo extracirricular activities are these?
Becky:Out of my way.Who let you into this chool greg heffley?
I was thinking the same thing about you patty farrell
Becky:You listen to me Greg heffley Im riunnging for student concilvicepresedent and im warning you,I foyu get in my way ill beat yoiu up jus like i did in kindergarten, and forth grade.
Rowley: Fourth gradse that one was ugly.
Greg:wHATS HER PROBLEM? wHAT DID I EVER DO TO HER?
Rowley: You called her fat AND UGLY
Greg:Come on thta was pretty funny. She needs a sense of humor.And i need somthing to make me a class favorite.
Hely: What about class favorites?
Greg:Doont you ever say hi or hello before you start talking?
Haley:Hi
Rowley:Hello. Oh greg is only here because he really wants to be somthing...
Greg:Rowley!!I was just saying that i would really like to nail these people because its so obvioous that there only doing
these activities to get in the yearbook.
Haley: You know i like your point of view.You should sign up for the school paper. were the voice of the people,Wwell the people are mostly idiots so i guess technically speakingwere
the voice of the people maing fun of the people,
Greg:thanks but i cant be in the paper because im going to be in the paper a lot so that would be a conflict of interest.
Haley: Youre the people got it.
Greg:do you believe me now that girl is crazy town.
rowley:look they have wrestling!
Greg:thats it im gret at wrestling ive watched it for years i know
allt the moves
Flashack
Greg:tombstone piledriver. chair shot.vader bomb.
cut to gym
Greg:okay somthing is seriously worng here.
rowley: these dont look like wrestling costrumes to me.
coach:welcome to wrestling, you future olypians!so just to make sure we all get off on he right foot and nobody gets
seriously injured, were gonna teach you a few basic moves,remember this is about having fun and learning the
sport!ALL RIght itsa not a competiion because everyone here is already superstars to me.
greg raises hand
ya hefflly
what about pile drivers and vater bombs
coach:that is fake wrestling.This is real wrestling!lets go!!
if i have to wrestle benny wells hell kill me
coach:Lets omve comeon!
greggly vs. heffly
coach:alright lets see what you got
Greg:dont worry gregly ill go easy on you
freggly tackles greg
Greg:hEY i wasnt ready
coach:nobody's keeping score but that was a sweet takedown freggly!
shots of freggly fighting greg
coach all right fregly! outstanding. and lets hear it for our other winner
rowley stand up and cheers for greg
greg and rowley waling up hill
Gready?reg:
i cant lose to freggly again
if i get beat by the wierdest kid in school nobody's ever gonna let me sit at thier trable.
rowley:how are you gonna beat him?ts like he had super human stregth
Greg:im gonna gonna beat him. im gonna gain 10pounds this week so i can move up wieght classes and you and i can
wrestle each other.ready?
can i throw at yo now?
Greg:later youre better at riding and im a much better thrower
greg trows ball and he misse s and hits ceramic
dinner
mom:save some for everyone else greg.
Greg:i cant i need to bulk up
mom: why i trhin youtrre bdoy kool sbuetiful just the way it is.
rodrick: ah i h
eard e got his butt kicked at wrestling.Now whats wrong with you? why would you sign up for somthing you dont have to
do?
dad: you signed up for wrestling?
Greg:kinda
rodrick:you never sign up for anything at school you fly below the radar that way you nver raise anyones
expectations.dad:L thank you rodrick for those words of motovational
wisodm but perhaps a better way to look at it is that it is a chance to learn and excel at somthing.
rodrick: what could i learn at school that i cant teach myself?
dad:well i think think its great youre trying somthing new this is the first step to responsibility!I think you could be big and strong we could train get the right nutrition cardio.you
woul dbe in tip top shape and it would only take like 3
months
Greg:three months?
yeah
ill just stick to eating
well i dont know ere you put it heffley ,but you gained 10 pounds and moved up a classs
yes
rowley: i thought you ididnt gain any wiehg this wwekk
Greg:i used my moms ankle wieghts
alright heffley time to meet youre new opponent
becky is standiong in ready position
wat but his is boys wrestling
becky:ever hear of title nine?
her parents threatened to sue so you show her what its like to wrestle a real live boy!!
they wrestle
circling each other
haley: come on what are yo waiting for dont be such a woose heffley
shes a girl where do i grab her?haley tackles him.
stay down
haley: paty over here
haley takes picture
passing the bleachers.
well look who's in the paper.
rowley: greg your famous! right on the front page!
rowley's bedroom
and if i had pinned her, which i could have done easily,you know i would have gotten in trouble for hutrting a girl.
rowley; why does she even eant to wrestle?
who knows girls are very confusing like today for example i heard somone in the hallway say bryce anderson has a cute
butt
rowley: a butt cant br cute...its a butt
i know but thats' what theyre saying.i dont see why firls cant just talk like normal people
rowley: so how are you gonna become a class favorite now?
two wordsbest dressed
rowley: how are ytou gonna do that?
fashion is easy you wear a shirt and a tie and kids are impressed.Im telling you this is gonna wok.
grge walks down hallway in suit
ses rowley is wearing same thing ta da!
i tod you i was weARING THIS
I KNOW!I WANted to be matchers
Greg:you know maybe rodrick was right about rowley. maybe i do need a new best friend but i cant just ditch him i mean if any
body has a better idea i would like to hear it. Well seince i cant leave rowley and ditch him maybe i can fix him!because
thats the kind of firend i am
what are you doing?
making you clothes more middle school friendlylook at this tuss to babyish and...wird,to"why dont you just punch me
now", wat ar u a fir iexchange dstudent?, oh man this one we burn!!
that was a present from ym mom
well then youre momo is trying to get you killed.
outside
reday steady goorowley walks
non no no you look like one of the seven dwrfs.You only need one strap. One strap is cool
but theres two straps why do they make teo straps if you
only usew one?
because the people who make backpacks arent cool!if they werere cool theyd give it one strap like the cool one strap guys do.You know what has one strap?Machine guns.you
know what else electric guitarsyou knoiw wat else-ause i discoveed him.
rowley; purses
but joshie is cool
rowley joshie is not cool hes a lip synchining pop star whose fsans are eight years old girls
youre just jealous because i discovered him
who you gonna trust joshie or me?
joshie says respect your parents and follow your dreams
then joshie must get beatan up a lot.There bryce anderson just be cool.hey bryce
yeah hey beyce, cute butt
look rowley your killing me you know that. tonight's halloween our favorite nght of the year so promise me look
wont wear llook or say anything wierd.
halloeen
youre kidding me right
my mom wanted me to be visible at night
from space? so well hit a few houses onj our way to the north siide
why are we going all the away over there?
thats where all thew rich people live
they hand out 2 oro 3 pieces of big candy to each kid. not that candy corn crap im tlakiing full size milky ways and
nutterbutters and if the people get tired of answerinbg the door they just elave the bowl out.we can clean up
wow youre lucky my momo doesnt let me play with makeup anymore
chut up tool loded diaper got a big gig tonite.
hmm going to the north side huh? well that takes you right past the devil worshiper woods.
devil worshiper woodds?
tyou know the story right? well thre used to e this house right there where the woods are they had to tear it down
because what happened threre was so terrible.
what happened?
cant tell you no one knows? but if i were you i would be be very careful ubeacuse until this day they come out on
halloween night and haunt the forset. and so..
dad: hey rodrick i need you to help me out like...are you wearing eyliner?(doorbell rings)susan!
mom: im on door duty
girl: thank you.
mom: frank can you go with them.dad: no icant cant im gonna gsaurd the house so if anyone
trys to tp us then thell get drenched fromt the roof.
honey for godness sakes dont do that agin.
can we go now?
mom; yes go and be carful and no north side.
we peorise
the north side
we have got to stay in this nieghborhood for the rest of the night
rowley: that guy gave me 3 full size snickers!
greg: did i tell you or didi i tell you?
these people have money to burn!
car puls up
teen1; hey reflector dude nice costume!
rowley: thanks my mom made it for me
spray them with silly string
carter;l oh that was awesome
greg: i saw your plates wre calling the cops
car everses
oh boy
run
hey there running throuhg the yard
go,go,go,go,gfo
where are we going?
weer totally exposed
my gradma's house hurry
they bang on door
hello?!
thats not helping! shes not answering!
oh no bingo night
get the key olopen the door hurry
carter: you guys are dead!
the boys run in and the door slams behins them they lock the door
wre gonna kick youre butts
greg: ya you and what army?
carter: whatever
boys babble
ou boys are so lucky you can hide behind your mommy
rowley: no were not this is myu grandam's house and she's not even home!
greg; what why would would you tell them that?! now there never gonna leave. you need to call youre mom to come and
get us mine will kill us if she knows we are here
mine will to she thinks your a bad influence
shes right.then wre gonna have to bust out of here
outside
got any threes?
go fish
creaking
hey whats that?
they come at the teens with weed wckers and leaf blowers
just back off i dont want to hurt anyone we jyust want to walk away and forget this ever happened.
are you kidding me?!im gonna rip offf your arms and punch you int he face with
your own fists
the boys run
they run tworads the devil worshiper woods
rowley: the devil worshiper woods no way
hey stay riht there were gonna egt you! rowlry runs in
there gonna into the woods well wre not
this isnt over
rowley: imrally scared
just keep running did you hear that? its them
they see shadow on rock and run screamingfreggly opos out
fregky:guys?
they run at gregs hiouserowley: are we safe?
greg: yeah and we still hav a ton of candy.
dad throws water n them.
dad: sorry i thought you were teenagers.
school
kid: i think shelly is ooking hot today
greg: are they taling bou tme?
teacher: alriht class just to let you know some positions have opened for saftey potrol.
greg: now thats what im talking about. the cops of middle school. you boss people around report the jerks and miss
calss three times a week