BestFriend’sBrother#4
BOOK4
ByAlyciaTaylor
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CHAPTERONE
IAN
Iwasstandingthere,lookingatKristieandAlexa’sfaces.Kristielookedlikeshewashavingfun.Sheprobablywas.Shelivedforthisdramashit.Alexawasdefinitelynothavingfun.
“Kristie,youneedtogo.”
“Youdon’tevenknowwhatIcamebyfor.”
“Itdoesn’tmatter.Iwantyoutogo.You’renotwelcomehereandyouneedtostayawayfromme.”
KristielookedoveratAlexawhowasshootingfireoutofhergreeneyesattheotherwoman.Kristiesmirked.“Oh,Igetit,”shesaidinaconspiratorialtone.“Yournewlittleflingwasn’tsupposedtoknowaboutus.”
“Jesus,Kristie!There’snothingtoknow.NowgetthehelloutbeforeIgetreallypissedoff!”
ShewasgoingtomakeAlexathinkwedidsomething.Shit!IshouldhavetoldAlexaIhaddinnerwithher.ThiswasgoingtobesomethingelsethatmadeitlooklikeIhadsomethingtohide.
“I’llgo,”shesaid,“butyou’ll
becallingmeandbeggingmetotakeyouback.Likeyoudidtheothernight.”
“It’snotgoingtohappen,Kristie.YouandIarethrough.Getout!”
WithasmileandawinkinAlexa’sdirectionshesaid,“That’snotwhathesaidlastnight.”
“Out!”Isaidagain.Shewent
outthedoorandAlexaandIbothstoodtherejustlookingafterherforafewseconds.Finally,Alexaturnedtomeandsaid,
“Whatdidshemeanbythatlastcomment?Didyouseeherlastnight?Didyoucallherandtellheryouwantedherback?”
“Yes,Isawher,butneversaidIwantedherback.It’s
notwhatyouthink,andit’snotwhatshemadeitsoundlike.Canwesit?”
Alexalookedlikeshewasgoingtobolt.Shewasn’tevenreallydressed,butshewaseyeingthedoor.AllIcouldthinkwasthatshewasgoingtotakeoffandneverwanttoseemeagain.Iscrewedup…again.
“Idon’twanttosit,”shesaid.
“Iwanttoknowwhyyoukeepsayingthereisnothingbetweenyoutwoyetthenightwe’renottogether,you’rewithher…”
“Itwasn’tlikethat,Iswear.YouwereangrywithmeandItriedgoingtomyparents’becauseIreallyneededsomeonetotalkto.They’restillsobrokenthatitdidn’thelp.Itonlymademefeel
worse.BetweenthestuffthatisconstantlygoingoninmyheadaboutEmmaandthefactthatIwassotornupoverwhathappenedbetweenus…IjustneededsomeonetotalktoAlexa.Iwasgoingcrazy.ShetextedmeandIdidsomethingthatIhadn’tdoneinaverylongtime…Itextedherback.Ishouldhaveknownitwouldturnoutthisway.Iamguiltyofbeingan
idiot,butthat’sall,Iswear.WewentouttodinnerandthewholetimeIlistenedtohergoonaboutstupid,superficialthings,allIcouldthinkaboutwashowmuchIwantedtobewithyou.IrealizedwhyIbrokeupwithherandIcan’tevenimaginewhatIwasdoingwithherinthefirstplace.You’retheonlyoneIfeelcomfortabletalkingtoaboutEmmaand
beyondthat,Ilovespendingtimewithyou.Wehavesomuchfuntogether…beingwithyouistheonlytimeIreallyfeelwholeagain.Idon’twantKristie…I’msorry….Inevershouldhavegoneoutwithher….Butpleasebelieveme,Alexa,nothinghappened.”
“Ibelieveyou,”shesaidatlast.
Iwasshocked.Thatwasn’tatallwhatIexpected.Surelyitwasn’tgoingtobethiseasy…..
“But…”
Okay,herewego,Iknewtherewasgoingtobeabut…
“I’mnotsurewhyIbelieveyou;youprobablywouldn’thaveeventoldmeyousawherifIhadn’tbeenherewhen
sheshowedup.Omissionisthesameaslying,Ian.Ithoughtwehadclearedthatupbefore…”
“Iknow,andwedid.I’msorry.IwasgoingtotellyouaboutKristiebutthetimingjusthadn’tbeenright.Alexapleaseletme…”
Ireachedoutforherandshetookastepback.IknewIwasscrewed.Shewasgoing
toleaveandIalreadyfeltlikeIcouldn’tbreathe.Damnit!Ihatedfeelingthisway.Ihatedit,andIlovedit.Itdidn’tmakeanyfuckingsense.I’veneverreallycaredifagirlwalkedoutbefore.It’salwaysbeenprettyeasytoeithergetanotherone,orjustbealone.BeforeEmmadied,Iwasneverafraidofbeingalone.Now,thethoughtofAlexaleavingandnotcomingback
terrifiedme.I’dliketoblameitallongrief,butthefactwasthatIsimplywantedher.
“Ijustneedsometime,Ian.”
Shewasgatheringupherstuffasshetalked.
“Ineedtowrapmyheadaroundallofthis.Sofar,intheshorttimewe’vebeenseeingeachother,thingsseemtobemore“off”than
theyare“on”.I’mnotsureIcandothisroller-coasterthing….”
“Itwon’tberoller-coaster.Iwon’tseeheragain,ever.Icanpromiseyouthat…”
“Ian,I’mnotsayingwe’reover.I’mnotmad.Ijustneedtospendsometimegettingmythoughtstogetherandfigureoutif…whateverthisisbetweenusishealthyforme.
I’llcallyou.”Shewentintothebedroomandfinishedgettingdressed.IstoodrootedtothespotIwasin,wonderinghowIcouldpossiblekeepscrewingthisup.Whenshecameback,shelookedatmesadlyandsaidagain,“I’llcallyou,okay?”
Ithinkitwasanunspoken,“Don’tcallme.”
“I’msorry,”Isaid.
“Don’tbesorry.I’mreallynotmad.Thishasjustallhappenedsofast.Maybewebothneedtoputmorethoughtintoit.Domeafavorandspendyourowntimethinkingaboutallofthistoo.We’vebeenthroughalot.AtfirstitwasokaythatweweretogetherbecauseofEmma.Webothdesperatelyneededthat.Butnow,Ithinkweneedtolookatwhetherornot
thereareotherreasonstobetogether,andifthisisworthpursuing.”Ijuststoodtherelookingatherlikeanidiot.Iknewthatthiswasworthpursuing.Ididn’thavetothinkaboutit.Iwasn’tsurewhyIfeltdifferentlyaboutherthanIeverhadanyotherwomanorgirl…butIdid.Iwatchedhergowithouttellingherthat.Ishouldhavejusttoldher…whatdidI
reallyhavetolosewhenshewasalreadywalkingoutthedoor?Idroppeddownontothecouchandwonderedwhenmylifewouldeverstopbeingonedramaticsceneaftertheother.
Ifinallypulledmyassupoffthecouchandgotintotheshower.ThemoreIthoughtaboutKristie’sperfecttiming,themorepissedoffIgot.
Yes,IshouldhavetoldAlexathatIwentouttodinnerwithher,butsincethatwasalltherewastoit,Ireallyhadn’tthoughtitwasabigdeal.KristieshowingupmadeitabigdealandImayhavejustlostAlexabecauseofit.Howmanythingswasshegoingtohavetofindout…thingsthatIshouldhavetoldhermyself…beforeshegaveuponme?
Igotdressedforthegymandthrewmythingsinmybag.Ineededtogoworkoutorthisangerwasgoingtooverwhelmme.Ican’tgetthroughthisshitwithoutAlexa.Ifitwasn’tforher…I’dprobablybecurledupinacornersomewhere…Shit!WhatthehellamIgoingtodonow?
Igrabbedmybagandmy
keysandheadedout.BythetimeIgottothecarIrealizedthatIcouldn’tjustletthisgo.IhadtotryanddosomethingtoconvinceherIwasworthtakingariskon.ThingshavejustbeensoscrewedupsinceEmmadied…buttheywouldgetbetter,aslongasweworkedthroughittogether.Iunderstandwhyshewouldneedsometime.Iplannedongivingthattoher.But,then
somehow,I’mgoingtomakethingsright.Somehow,I’mgoingtofixthis.I’dgiveheraday…ortwo,andthenIwouldgotalktoherandtellherhowIfeel.CHAPTERTWO
ALEXA
IdrovehomefromIan’swithmyheadspinning.Iwasgrowingsotiredofbeing
pulledinsomanydifferentdirections.Mybestfriendisdead.ImetaguywhoIreally,reallylike…andIjustcan’tseemtomakeitworkwithhim.Ian’snotabadguy.He’sjusttheoppositeasamatteroffact.He’skindofanenigma.Hespendsalotoftimealone,yethe’sperfectlycomfortablearoundpeople.Herebelledalotwhenhewasakid…yethehasagreat
relationshipwithhisparents.He’sananimalintheoctagon.Yethe’ssweetandgentleinbed.Hesayshewantsnothingtodowithhisex-girlfriendandyetshekeepspoppingupinourlives.SinceI’dstartedseeinghimhe’sprovokedsomanydifferentemotionsinsideofme,morethananyoneelseeverhad.I’msureithasalottodowiththewaywecame
together,alreadyinemotionalturmoil.Wewerebothdealingwithourgriefanditjustseemedsomucheasiertodealwithittogetherinstead…maybethat’swherewewentwrong.Maybeweshouldhavedonethatseparatelybeforewegottogetherandthendatingwouldbegoingmoresmoothly.Maybetherearetoomanyemotionstangled
upandmaybeitwasgoingtobeimpossibletountanglethemanddecidewheregriefbeganandourfeelingsforeachotherstarted.Ormaybetherearenorealfeelingsforeachother.Maybeit’sourminds’waysoftryingtocompensateforthealternative…theemotionalhellofrememberingthatEmmawasdeadeveryminuteoftheday.
BythetimeIgotoutofthecarandheadedintothehouseIwasbeginningtowonderifmaybeitwouldbeeasiertostraightenmyheadoutifIjustconcentratedonmeforawhile.MaybeIshouldgooutanddosomethingfunthathadnothingtodowithIanoranyoneelse.MaybeIshouldhavestayedatschool.
Iwalkedinthefrontdoorand
Dadsaid,“Isthatyou,Alexa?”Ialmostlaughed.I’mnotsurewhoelsehethoughtitmightbe,anditreinforcedthatmaybeIshouldhavegonebacktoschool.SinceI’dbeenhomeitwasalmostlikemineandDad’srelationshiphadrevertedbacktowhatitwaswhenIwasateenager.
“YeahDad,it’sme.”
“Comeoninthekitchen,Iwasjustmakingasandwich.Doyouwantone?”
Iwentintothekitchen.Hehadoutalmosteverycondimentweownedaswellasallofthelunchmeat,aheadoflettuce,tomato,onionandavocado.Ismiled,“Whatkindofsandwichareyoumaking?”
“It’smyversionoftheclub…
minusthebacon,unfortunately.IforgottobuysomewhenIwentgroceryshopping.Butthat’sokay.Ihaveseveraldifferentkindsofmeathere.”
IwishIcouldcareaboutthemeatonaclubsandwich.IfIdid,thatwouldmeanthatthingswerebacktonormal.I’mnotevensurewhatthatwasanymore.Isatdownat
thetableandheaskedmewhereI’dbeen.
“HangingoutwithIan,”Isaid.Hemadeaface,buthedidn’tsayanything.IguessitwasdifferentfromwhenIwasinhighschool.Backthen,heneverwouldhavemissedanopportunitytotellmewhatwaswrongwiththeguyIwasdating.Ithinkitwaswhatmademebemore
judgmentalthanIshouldbe.Iwasalwayslookingforsomethingtobewrong.Inspiteofthat,IwonderedifIshouldtalktohimandseewhathistakewasoneverythingthathadbeengoingon.IthoughtmaybeIalreadyknewwhathewasgoingtosay.HewasgoingtotellmethatIshouldstayawayfromIan.Hewouldgivemealistofreasonswhy
andtellmeallofthethingsthatwerewrongwithhimandthenhewouldsay,“It’snotthatIdon’tlikehim,it’sjustthathe’snotwhatIwantforyou.”
“Dad,IreallylikeIan.”Itoldhim.Iwasgoadinghim,sortof.IwantedhisadviceandyetIdidn’t.WhatIreallywantedwasforhimtosay,“Oh,Ian!He’sagreatguy!”
Iknewthatwasnevergoingtohappen,butitsurewouldmakeiteasierformetokeepseeinghim,whichwaswhatIthinkIreallywanted.
IwatchedhisfaceandIcouldseethesubtlechangeinitagain.Tohiscredit,hestilldidn’tsayanythingnegative.Hejustdidn’tsayanythingatall.Isatthereforawhileandwatchedhimslatheringthings
onthebreadforhissandwichandIconsideredtellinghimhowmuchIlikedIan.
God,ImissedEmma.IneverhadotherfriendsIcouldreallytalkto.Myotherfriendswereaboutgoingoutandhavingfun.IwasalsoalittlebitworriedthattheywouldjudgemeoverdatingEmma’sbrother.Emmawouldn’thaveeverjudged
me.ShemightverballykickmyassifshethoughtIwasinvolvedinsomethingthatwouldhurtme,butshewouldneverjudge.IlookedbackupatmyDadandrealizedhewastheonlypersonleftinmylifethatIcouldreallysaythataboutnow.Hemightjudgemyboyfriendslikecrazy,butnotme.
“Dad?”
“Yeah,honey?”
“Haveyoueverhadreallystrongfeelingsforsomeoneanditseemedlikenomatterhowhardyoutriedtomakeitworkwiththem,thingsjustseemedtokeepgettingintheway?”
HelookedatmeandIcouldseeinhiseyesthathewasthinkingaboutmymom.Ifeltbadforbringingitup.He
reallylovedher.Somuchthathewasstillsingleafterallthistime.Shehadreallydoneanumberonhim…onbothofus.IwasabouttotellhimIwassorryforbringingitupwhenhewipedhishandsandcameoverandsatwithmeatthetable.
“ArewetalkingaboutIan?”heasked.Heknewwewere,buthelookedlikehewanted
metotellhimweweren’t.
“Yeah.Youknowthatwe’vespenttimetogether.Thetruthisthatwe’vespentalotoftimetogether.ItstartedoutwithushelpingeachothertogetpastEmma’sdeath…butitturnedintomore.IhavesomuchfunwhenI’mwithhim.Ifeelcomfortableandsafe…Ireallycareabouthimbutmyfeelingsforhimareso
jumbledtogetherwithmyfeelingsoverEmma’sdeaththatI’mjustnotsurehowtohandleitall.”
“Maybewhatyouneedissometimetosortitalloutwithoutanyoneputtinganykindofpressureonyou.”Icouldseeonhisfacethatby“anyone”hemeant“Ian”.
“Ian’snotputtingpressureonme.He’sbeencompletely
willingtoletmetakethisasfastorasslowasIwantto.It’sjustthateverylittlethingthathappensbetweenusseemssomuchmoreintensethanitprobablyshouldinsuchanewrelationship.IfindmyselfquestioningeverythingandhimworryingabouthowI’llreacttothingstothepointofnottellingmeaboutthem.Doyouthinkthat’sbecauseofEmma?Are
webothjusthyper-sensitivebecauseofwhatwewentthrough?”
“Yeah,Ithinkthat’sprobablygotalottodowithit.Ialsothinkitcouldbeagoodexcuseforhidingthings,soI’mgladtohearyou’renotstandingforthat.”
“He’snotreallyhidingthings.”Iwascompelledtodefendhimandthelookon
mydad’sfacetoldmethatworriedhimmorethananything.
“I’mjustsayingthatIthinkit’sallagoodargumentforwhyyoushouldtakesometimeforyourself.SinceEmmadied,you’vespentalotoftimeworryingaboutIan’sfeelingsandmaybenotenoughworryingaboutyourown.”
“SowhatshouldIdo?Imean,I’vetriedthelyinginbedandmoping…thatdidn’twork.”
Hesmiledsadlyandsaid,“No,Idon’twantyoutogobackthere.I’mnotsureIcouldtakethat…Iwassoworriedaboutyou.Iwasthinkingaboutyougoingoutanddoingsomethingfun…butsomethingthat’sjustfor
you.Forgetaboutallofthisjustforaday.Gotoaspaorgoshoppingorforawalkinthepark.Whateversoundsfuntoyou.Then,whileyou’redoingit,don’tthinkaboutanythingelse.Justconcentrateonyou.Afteryourheadiscleared,givethissomemorethought.”
“Idon’tthinkIcoulddothat,justturnitalloff,”Isaid.
“You’llneverknowifyoudon’ttry.Lookatitthisway,thewayyou’redoingitisnotworkingsowhynottrysomethingdifferent.Whatcouldithurt?”
Hehadapoint.IfItookadayformyselfandtriednottothinkabouteverythinganditdidn’tworkthenIhaven’tlostanything…I’vejustgainedadayformyself.
“Maybeyou’reright,Dad,”Itoldhim.
“I’malwaysright,”hesaidwithasmile,“That’swhyIgettocallmyself“Dad.”
“Sotrue,sometimesIforget,”Itoldhimwithagrin.Hecouldbeexasperatingsometimes,buttherewerereasonsbehindwhyhewassooverprotectivewhenitcametorelationshipsandme.I
alwaysknewhelovedme.
“MaybeI’llgotothemalltomorrow.Icouldusesomenewsummerclothesanyway.”Hegotupandkissedthetopofmyhead.Whenhegotbackovertothecounterhesaid,
“Sodoyouwantasandwichornot?”Hewasspreadingpicklerelishonitnow.
“Um…not,”Isaidwithasmile.CHAPTERTHREE
ALEXA
WakingupisnolongerapleasureandsometimesIwonderedifiteverwouldbeagain.Thereisone,grandfleetingmomentwhenI’mwholeandeverythingisokay.Thenthememoriesofthe
pastmonthbegintoseepin…alwaysbeginningwiththefactthatEmmaisdead.Mylidsdon’tcasuallyflutteropenanylonger.Theysnapopenandlookaroundtheroom,searchingfor…something.Mybrainbecomesalmostimmediatelyoverwhelmedagainasifitwereallnew,freshandraw.Iwanttolingerintheblissfulignoranceofwakingup,but
sinceIknowIwon’tbeabletodothat,atnightI’vebeguntofightsleeplikeatoddler…Iwassotired,allthetime.
AfterIremindedmyself,andnotkindly,thatmybestfriendwasdead,IthoughtaboutIan.Imissedhimalready.Iwantedtoseehim.Iwantedtotalktohim.Iwantedtotouchhim.IknewthatwasabadideauntilIhad
somethingsfiguredout,sothenIwasreallytemptedtojustpullthecoversovermyheadandstaywhereIwas.UnfortunatelyI’dtriedthatalreadyandknewthatwasn’tthesolutioneither.Mybrainjustwouldn’tshutdown.Iforcedmyselfupandgotintotheshower.
Istoodunderneaththewaterandbreathedinthesteam,
urgingmymindtofadeintothatnothingnesswhereeverythingrealbecomesafoggyillusion.Istoodthereandfeltthewarmthcascadedownandover,andtriedtoimagineallofthestresswashingdownthedrain.Istayedunderneaththesprayuntiltheroomwasfullofsteamandthehotwaterwasbeginningtoturnlukewarmbeforefinallyturningitoff
andsteppingout.Ithadn’tworked.Thestresswasstillclingingtome.Ipickedupthetowelandwipedthesteamoffofthemirror.IlookedatmyfaceandthoughtagainaboutEmma.Iwondered,notforthefirsttime,howapersonwhowassodearlylovedcoulddisappearfromtheearthyetlifecouldjustgoon.Westillateandshoweredanddressed
andslept…andsomanyotherthings,whileEmmadidn’tdoanyofthatanylonger.IwonderedsometimesifthetableshadbeenturnedandI’dbeentheonetodieinsteadofEmma,ifshewouldhavedoneabetterjoboffiguringthisalloutthanIseemtobedoing.
AfterIwasdressedandhadmyhairandmakeupdone,I
feltalittlebetter.Iwentoutofmyroomandfounddadsittingatthediningroomtable,havinghiscoffee.
“Morningprincess.Howdidyousleep?”
“Good,”Ilied,givinghimakissonthecheek.Ithink,tobehonest,Isleptaboutanhourintotal.
“Whataboutyou?”Ipoured
myselfsomecoffeeandsatdownwithhim.
“Notbad,”hesaid.Hewasprobablylyingtoo.Idon’tthinkhe’ssleptthroughthenightinyears.It’swhereIgetmytendencytoobsessoverthingsfrom.“What’sonyouragendatoday?”
“I’mgoingtotakemydad’sadviceanddisappearwithmyselfforafewhours.I’m
allreadyforadaywithnocompany,nodeep-thoughts,justmeand…hopefullymyfather’sVisacard?”ThatremindedmethatmaybeIneededtostartthinkingaboutlookingforajobwhileIwashere.I’dbeensowrappedupinEmmaandIan…Ihadjustselfishlyallowedmydadtopayforeverything.Iguessatalmosttwentyyearsold,Ishouldbepastthat.Hedidn’t
care,butIshould.AsIknewhewould,hesmiledandtookouthiswallet.HehandedmehisAMEXcard.Ilookedatitandsaid,“Areyousure?Icouldgohogwildwiththisone.”
Helaughed,“Itrustyou,”hesaid.
“Thanks,Dad.Oneofthesedays,I’llpayyouback.”
“I’mnotworriedaboutit,”hesaid.Ibelievedhim,butsinceIdidn’thaveajobyetandI’dtakenanentiresemesteroffschool,Ihopedhewasn’tholdinghisbreathbecauseitmightnotbeanytimesoon.Ifinishedmycoffee,waitinguntilninebeforeIleft,knowingthemallwouldn’tbeopenuntilthen.IwishedDadagooddayandtookoffformy“dayforme”.
Ididn’twanttorunintoanyoneIknewtoday.Ithoughtthatmightjustdefeatthepurposeofthiswholedaywithmeexercise.Insteadofgoingtoourmall,Idrovetothenexttownover.TheirmallwasalotbiggeranywaysandIcouldgetlostinsideofitforhoursifIwantedto.ItookadeepbreathasIgotoutofthecarandwilledmymindtoclear
itselfofallthenegativethoughts…allthoughtsperiod.IwalkedinthroughtheMacy’sentranceandlookedaroundatallofthecolorfuldisplays.Thisjustmightwork.
IstartedbrowsingandsomethingaboutthesmellfromthefragrancecounterremindedmeofEmma.Emmalovedtoshop.She
lovedthemall.Sheusedtosaythatthesmellofit“empowered”her.Shelovedtheattentionwewouldgetinastorelikethisandshewouldtoucheverydressorblouseorpairofpantsthatsheliked,justtofeelthetextureofit.She’dtryoneverything,whetherornotsheneededit,orcouldaffordit.Shewouldgetafreemakeoverandwenevergot
outwithoutamanicure.Sometimeswe’dspendtheentiredayandgohomewithoutasinglepurchase…butitwasalwaysfun.EverythingwithEmmawasanadventure.
“Miss,areyouokay?”
IlookedupandrealizedIwasstandingneartheexitdoorandpeoplehadtogoaroundme.MyfacefeltwetandI
reachedupandtouchedmycheeks.Thereweretearsthereandpeoplewerestaringatme.Iwipedthemawayquickly.
“I’mfine,Isaidtotheconcerned-lookingsaleslady.
“I’msorry.”
Iforcedasmileandmovedon.Somuchforforgetting.
CHAPTERFOUR
IAN
IwokeupthinkingaboutAlexa.Thatwasn’tasurprise,sinceI’dgonetosleepthinkingaboutheraswell.IknewbeforeIevengotoutofbedthatIhadtotalktohertoday.ThefirstthingIdidwasreachformyphone.Halfwaythroughdialinghernumber,Irealizedthatit
wouldjustbebettertoseeher,face-to-face.Igotshoweredanddressedandheadedovertoherhouse.Itwasjustafternine,anditwasSaturday,soherdadwouldprobablybethere.Ikindofgotthefeelinghewasn’tcrazyabouttheideaofherseeingme…butI’veneverbeenafavoriteamongstthe“Dads,soIcouldhandlethat.I’dcometotermswiththe
factthataformerdelinquentturnedprofessionalfighterwasprobablynotwhothey’ddreamedtheirlittleprincesseswouldendupwith.Ican’tsayasIblamedthem.IdoubtedI’dthinkIwasgoodenoughformyowndaughtereither,ifIeverhadone.
WhenIdroveuptothehouse,Ididn’tseehercar,buttoldmyselfthatitwasprobablyin
thegarageandIcouldn’tbackoutnow.Itookadeepbreathbeforeparkingalongthestreetandgettingoutofthecar.IwonderedasIwalkeduptothedoorifshewouldbehappytoseeme…orpissedatmefornotleavingheraloneandwaitingforhertocalllikeshe’dasked.Istoodlookingatthehangingplantsintheentrywayandknocked.After
severalsecondsAlexa’sdadpulledopenthedoor.Hedidn’tlookatallhappytoseeme,andfromthelookonhisfaceIgotthefeelingmaybeAlexahadtoldhimeverythingthathashappenedbetweenus.Hewasgivingme“thelook”thatfathersreservedonlyformenwhohurttheirdaughters.MydadusedtohaveonejustlikeitthatheusedonEmma’s
boyfriends.
“Hi,”Isaid,tryingtolookandsoundmyfriendliest,orattheveryleastprayingthatmyvoicewouldn’tcrack.Nevershowfear.“IwaswonderingifAlexawashere.”
“She’snothere,”hesaid.Hewasstillgivingmetheglare.ItriedtothinkofitthewayIdoinafight.Don’tletit
intimidateyou.Youshouldsmileandjustmoveonfromthere.Ifhethrowsapunch,youcantakeit.It’snotgoingtokillyou.
“Okay,I’lljustgiveheracalllaterthen,thanks.”Istartedtostepbackandheopenedthedoorallthewayandsaid,
“Comein.”Itseemedmorelikeathreatthananinvitation,butwhatwasI
goingtodo…run?Iwentinsideandalmostgulpedasheslammedthedoorbehindme.
“Sit,”hesaid.
IwentintothelivingroomanddidasIwastold.Ididn’tseeanygunsoutthathemayhavebeencleaning,sothatwasgood.Ismiledagain,andtriedtolookhappyaboutbeinghere.IwantedAlexa…
badly.Iwasn’tgoingtoscrewitupfurtherbygettingonthewrongsideoftheonlymaninherlife.
Herdadsatacrossfrommeandworkedtheglareagainforafewminutesbeforehefinallysaid,“Shedoesn’tneedyourdramainherliferightnow,Ian.Ifeelsodamnedbadforyouandyourfamily.Emmawasagreat
girlandIlovedhertoo.Ican’timaginewhatyou’reallgoingthrough.But…AlexaismydaughterandIlovehermorethanlifeitself.She’sgoingthroughthesamepainthatyouareandontopofthat,you’reheapingmoreonher.She’shurting,andyou’remakingitworse.”
Ifeltlikehe’djustpunchedmeinthegut.WhatwasI
supposedtosay?IwasherebecauseIcouldn’tstandthethoughtofbeingwithoutherandherfatherwashere,tellingmeIwashurtingherandshedidn’tneedme.Ineedher.
“Ineverhadanyintentionsofhurtingher.IcareaboutAlexaandsheandIhavebeenhelpingeachotherthroughthisthingwith
Emma…”
“Ifyou’rehelpingherthenwhyisshesomiserable?”
“Likeyousaid,thisisnotaneasythingtodealwithforanyofus…”hekeptinterruptingme.Iwastalkingfaster,tryingtogetmyownpointoutbeforehedid.
“She’sgrievingoverEmma,butthisismore.Thisisher
startingtothinkthatwhatshehaswithyouismorethanyouleaningonherandherleaningonyou.Thisissettingheruptofallhard.You’renothelpingher,Ian.She’snothappy.Thebestthingyoucandoforherifyoutrulycareaboutherlikeyousay…iswalkawaynow.”
“Whatifthat’snotwhatshewants?”
“She’sconfusedandhurting.Shehasnoideawhatshewantsorneedsrightnow.Leaveheraloneandshe’llbeokay.She’sstrong…butifyouhangaroundandkeephurtingherwhenshe’salreadybroken…youcouldleaveapermanentscar.I’msickofseeinghercomehomefrombeingwithyoulookinglikeherhearthasbeenbroken…again.Justleaveher
alone,Ian.She’sagoodgirl.Shedeservesbetter.”
IhadnointentionsofhurtingAlexa.Evenifthingsdidn’tworkoutforusdating,Istillcaredabouther.ShewasEmma’sbestfriendandthatalonegaveheraspecialrank.Buttherewasmorethanthat…somuchmore.Iwantedsobadlytocontinuetoexploreitandfigureout
whereitwasgoing.Thiswasallnewtome.OfcourseI’dhadgirlfriendsbefore…butnoneofthemhadaffectedmethewaythatAlexadoes.HowamIsupposedtojustwalkawayfromthat?
“Ineverwantedtohurther.”
“Idoubtthatwasyourintention…butshe’shurtingnonetheless.Sonowyouneedtomanupanddosomething
aboutit.”
“Andyouthinkthatwalkingawayfromhernowisnotgoingtohurther?”Ifailedtoseehowjustwalkingawaywhenshewasstillgoingthroughallofthiscrapwasmanningup.
“Notasbadlyasitwouldhurtherondowntheroad.Peoplegetintorelationshipsandletthemselvesbelievethatit’s
goingtobeforever.Theythrowthemselvesintoit100%andthenwhenitdoesn’tworkout…theyfeellikethey’velosteverything.Afterwhatshe’sbeenthrough,Idon’tknowifshecouldhandlethat.Itwouldbedevastating.”
Iwonderedwhatmadehimthinkitwasn’tgoingtoworkout.Ihadbeentakingthis
thingwithAlexaasitcameadayatatime.Ihadn’tconsideredmuchfartherintothefuturethanthat.WasIreadytocommittoforever?No.Iwantedher;IknewthatasmuchasIknewI’dbetakingmynextbreath.DidIwantherforever?Wasshegoingtowantmeforever?Icouldn’tanswerthatquestion,andmaybethatwaswhathewastalkingabout.
“SoyouthinkIshouldjustnotcontactheranymore?Ishouldn’tatleasttalktoheraboutthisandseewhatitisthatshewants?”
“Ithinknotcontactingherwouldbebest.She’sconfused,Ian.She’shurtingandshedoesn’tknowwhatshewants.Ifyouwalkawaynow,beforeshegetstooattached,herfeelingswillbe
hurt,butatleastherheartwon’tbebroken.”
Ifeltnumb.Iwishedhewaswrongbutwhatifhewasn’t?Ihadalreadyhurtherquiteabitintheshorttimewe’dbeentogether.Iwas,byhistory,ascrewup.Whatmademethinkitwouldbeanydifferentfromhereonout?Wasitokayformetoriskhurtingherbecauseof
whatIwanted?NotifIreallycaredabouther…andIdid…Ido.
“Okay,”Isaid.
“Okay?You’llleaveheralone?”
Hesoundedsurprised.MaybeIhadgivenintooeasily.Fuck,Ihavenoidea.
“Yeah,I’llleaveheralone.Idon’twanttohurther.”
“Thankyou,Ian.”HelookedrelievedandIrealizedthatheknewIreallyhadthepowerheretorefuse.Diditmakemelessofamanfornotrefusinghim,ormore?Ihadnofuckingclue,butlately,thatwasapermanentstateofmindforme.
Iwenthome,feelinglikeabiggerpieceofcrapthanIhadbefore.Ilostmysister
andnowIfeltlikeI’dlostmybestfriend.Iwantedtohitsomething.Ipacedaroundtheapartmentforawhilelikeacagedanimalandfinallywenttothegym.
Iwentstraightforthebag.Iwantedtojustwailonit,Iwassofrustrated.ButIknewthatIhadtofindsomecontrolsomewhere,soIjustranitlikearegularcircuit
workout.Istartedwithmyrightleg,doinglowkicksforfivereps.WhenIworkedoutonthebag,I’dgottengoodatusingmyimaginationtopicturemyopponentandwheremykicksandpuncheswouldbelandingonaliveperson.Today,IpicturedKristie.Iwouldnever,everhither…butitwascathartictothinkaboutit.
Ikickedthelowerhalfofthebag,picturingherlegs…thoselong,overlytannedlegs.IdidapivotonmysupportfootandturnedmyhipasIdeliveredthekick.Maximumpower.ThenIswitchedlegsanddidanotherfivebeforeswitchingtohigh-kick.Ikickedthetopofthebag…aimingforheroverlymade-upface.IdidfiveofthoseoneachlegandbythattimeI
wasstartingtosweat.Itriedtovisualizethestressleavingmybodywiththesweat.
Iletmyselfreallystartpunchingthen.Istartedwithtwentystraightpunches,alternatinghands.IguessI’mnotacompleteassholebecauseeventhoughItriedtovisualizeKristie’sheadsnappingbackasIthrewthepunch,Icouldn’tdoit.I
replaceditwithavisualoftheguyI’dbefightingforthechampionship,Gilbert“Gil”Morris.Ididn’thaveanyproblempicturinghisheadbobbingwiththeimpactofmyfist.
Iswitchedtoalefthookanddidtwentyofthosetooandthendiditallagainwitharighthook.Ifinishedupwithakneestrike…Ididfiveof
thoseoneachleg.
BeforeIleftthegymIshowered,andonthewayhomeIgotsomethingtoeat.BythetimeIgotbacktomyapartment,Iwasfeelingalittlebetter.Iwalkedinanddroppedmybagandspenttherestoftheafternoonandeveningveggingoutinfrontofthetelevision,watchingmindlesssitcoms.
IwasgettingreadytocallitanightwhenIheardmytextmessagetone.IrealizedthenthatIhadleftthephoneinmygymbag.Ihadn’tevenmissedit.IwentandfisheditoutandwhenIsawthetextwasfromAlexa,Ifeltasharppaininmychest.Thiswasthemomentoftruth.WasIgoingtokeepthepromiseImadetoherdad?DidIwantto?Theanswertothesecond
questionwasno.Ididn’twantto.Iwantedtoreachouttoher.Iachedforit.ButI’dmadeapromiseandwithgoodreason.Ididn’twanttohurther.Shediddeservebetterthanthat.Witha“Fuck!”outloudtotheemptyroom,Iturnedthephoneoff,tosseditbackinthebagandwenttobed.CHAPTERFIVE
ALEXA
AfterIpulledmyselftogether,Iendeduphavingagoodtimeatthemall.EverythingcontinuedtoremindmeofEmma,butItriedtoapproachallthosethoughtsfromthepointofviewofgoodmemories.IallowedmyselftosmilewhenIrememberedhowshehadoncewalkedthroughthe
electronictoysectionatthetoystoreandpushedabuttononeachtoysobythetimewelefttheaisleitwasacacophonyofnoise.Igotanicedcoffeeattheplacewheresheusedtobuyanentirebagofchocolatecoveredcoffeebeansandeatuntilshegota“buzz,”sheusedtosay.Itriedonbathingsuitsandrememberedbeingherewithherlastyearbeforeweleftfor
collegedoingthesamething.Ichokedupoverthatonealittlebit,butIfoughtthroughit.IwashopefulwhenIlefttherethatonedayallofmymemoriesofherwouldbringasmiletomyfaceinsteadofapaintomyheart.
Thetimealonewasgoodforme;Dadhadbeenrightaboutthat.Iendedupbuyingafewthings,butIdidn’tbreakthe
bankandIhadanepiphanyonthewayhome.I’dspentmydaythinkingaboutEmmamostly,butoccasionallyI’dletIanslipinthere.IrealizedwhenhedidthatIcompletelybelievedhimwhenhetoldmethatnothinghappenedbetweenhimandhisex.Ibelievedhimrightaway.Ididn’tdoubthimatall.IhadtoexaminewhythatwasandthedecisionIcameupwith
wasthatitwasbecauseItrustedhim.Itrusthim.Ihavefunwithhim.Icantalktohim.I’mcrazyattractedtohim.SowhywasItorturingmyself?MaybeIwasbecomingaddictedtothedrama.Ineededtogetpastthatcrapthatwasforsure.IknewwhatIwantedandIneededtojustgoforit.Iwantedtobewithhim,morethananything.
WhenIgothomeIfoundDadinthebackyard,mowingthelawn.Ipouredhimaglassoficedteaandtookitouttohim.
“Thankyou.So,howwasit?”heasked.
“Itwasgood.Reallygood.Thankyouforsuggestingit.”IhandedhimtheAMEXcardandsaid,“IonlyboughtacouplethingsandIhad
enoughsoIdidn’tusethecard.ButthanksDad,foreverything.”Ihuggedhim.Hesmelledlikefresh-cutlawnandDad.IthoughtabouttellinghimthatI’dalsodecidedtokeepseeingIan…butIthoughtmaybeIshouldtalktoIanfirstandheandIcoulddecidetogetherwherewewereatandwherewewantedtoletthisthinggo.ThatwaywhenDadstarted
askingquestions,Iwouldhaveanswers.Besides,Igotthefeelingitwasn’twhathewantedtohear.BeforeIwenttobedIsentIanatextthatsaid,“I’dliketoseeyou.Canwetalk?”
Ileftitatthatandwenttosleep.IsleptalotbetterthanIhadthenightbefore.ThefirstthingIdidafterIonceagainshookoffthehorror
thatwasbeginningtobethemorningnormforme,wasreachforthephone.IwasliterallystunnedwhenIsawthathe’dneverresponded.Thatwasstrange.Ididn’tletmyselfpanicoveritthough,rememberingmypromisetostoplivinginthedrama.Ijustsenthimanotheronethatsaid,
“Hey!Didyougetmytext?”
Igotupafterthatandwentaboutmymorningroutine.Irefusedtoevencarrythephonearoundwithme.Itrustedthathewouldtextback.ItookmyshowerandthenIstayedbusyforthenextcoupleofhoursdoinglaundryandcleaninguparoundthehouse.Mydadhadgonetovisithisfriend,soIhadthehousetomyself.Iturnedupthemusicandwhile
IcleanedIthoughtaboutwhatIwouldsaywhenIsawIan.Iwasgoingtotellhimthatweneededtojuststartfreshandbehonestabouteverything.Ireallywantedittoworkwithhim,andIthoughtthathedidtoo.Ithinkwehavebothbeensoafraidthattheotherwasonlyinthisfortheshorttermwhilethegriefpassedthatwewereafraidtobecompletely
honestabouthowwewerefeeling…atleastIhad.Iwashopinghefeltthesame.
AfterIfinishedthehouseworkIletmyselfcheckmyphoneagain.Thereweretwotextmessages.Onefrommydadthatsaid,“HeyPrincess.Justcheckingin.Youdoingokaytoday?”
Itextedback:“I’mgood,Dad.Don’tworry.Have
fun.”
TheothermessagewasfromagirlfromschoolnamedHeather.Heathersaid,
“Justwantedtomakesureyouweredoingokay.Haven’theardfromyou.Worried.”
Heatherwasanewfriend,butshewasagoodone.ImeasuredallmyfriendsbyEmmastandards.Mostof
themdidn’tpass.Thebarwassetprettyhigh.TheoddswerelookinggoodforHeatherthough.ShewouldnevertakeEmma’splace,butshecoulddefinitelyworkoutasalong-termclosefriend.Itextedback.
“Thanksforcheckingin.I’mhanginginthere.Ihopeyouandeveryoneatschoolaredoingwell.Imissyouguys,
buthomeiswhatIneedrightnow.Maybewecanhavedinnerordrinksnextweek?”
Iwastryingtostall.Ididn’twanttohavetofacethefactthattherewasnothingfromIan.Suddenlymymindstartedgoingtodarkplaces.Whatifsomethinghappened?Whatiftherewassomethingwrong?Noonewouldthinktocallmeifhewasinan
accident.NooneexceptmydadevenreallyknewthatIanandIwereinvolved.IdecidedI’dcallhimandifhewasinthehospitalorsomething,someoneelsewouldanswerifitrang,right?Ipulleduphisnumberandpressedsend.Iheldmybreath,butIdidn’thavetoholditforlong.Itwentstraighttovoicemail.Whatthehell?Maybehewasatthe
gym…butwouldthatexplainwhyhedidn’tanswermytexts?
Ispentthenexthourworrying,pacingandtryingtocallhimback.Ievenconsideredcallinghismom,justtoseeifsheheardfromhim.ThenIthoughtabouthowhorriblethatwouldbeifsomethingreallywaswronganddecidedagainstit.Itjust
didn’tmakesensetomewhyhewouldn’ttextmeback…orwhyhehadhisphoneoff.WhenIlefthisapartment,neitherofuswasangry…atleastIdidn’tthinkso.IjusttoldhimIneededsomespace,andhegavethattome.ItoldhimIwasn’tangryandIdon’trecalldoinganythingthatshouldhaveupsethim.Sowhywasheignoringmenow?Therehadtobe
somethingwrong,itwastheonlyexplanationIcouldcomeupwith.Igrabbedmypurseandkeysandheadedouttohisapartmenttofindout.
WhenIgotthereandknockedonthedoor,Ihadbutterfliesinmystomach.Icouldn’tstoplettingmymindgotothoseuglyplaceswheresomethingterriblehappened
tohimandhisparentsandIwouldhavetogothroughwhatwehadwithEmma,alloveragain.Hedidn’tansweronthefirstknock,soIknockedagain,thattimemoreurgently.Afewsecondspassedandhepulledthedooropen.Firsthelookedsurprised…andthenannoyed.Washethatunhappytoseeme?
“Alexa?Whatareyoudoinghere?”Iguessthatansweredmyquestion.
“You’renotansweringmytextsormycalls.Iwasworriedaboutyou.”Whywasn’theinvitingmein?Hehadhisbodyinthedoorwaylikehewasbarringmyentrance.Talkabouthostilebodylanguage.Whatthehell?
“I’mfine,”hesaid.“Iwasjustonmywayout.Ihavetomeetwiththefightpromoter.”Hereachedovertothetablenexttothedoorandpickeduphiskeys.Thenhetwistedthelockandsteppedout.Ididn’twanttothinkhehadsomeoneelseinthere,butitwasalmostlikehewantedmeto.
“Ian?What’swrong?”
“Nothing’swrong.Itoldyou,I’mfine.Ijusthavetogo.I’mrunninglate.”Heturnedhisbackonmeandheadedforthestairs.Iwasfreakingoutalittle.Iwentoverandstoodbetweenhimandthestairwell.
“Ian,talktome.Areyouangrywithme?Ijustneededsometime,Ithoughtyouunderstoodthat.Iwasn’t
mad….”
“I’mnotangry,Alexa,butI’mgettingthere.Ineedtogoandyou’remakingmelate.Youneedtojustletmego,okay?”
“Whyareyoutreatingmelikethis?Ididn’tdoanythingwrong?”Hepushedpastme,notliterally,hedidn’ttouchme,buthebrushedbyandwentdownthestairs.Again,I
followedhim.MaybeIneededtolearnwhentogiveup.“Ian,pleasetalktome!”Hejustignoredmeandkeptwalking.I’mnotsurewhatIthoughtIwasgoingtoaccomplish,butIkeptfollowinghim.Iwashurtandangryandreally,reallypissedthatIwaspracticallybegginghimtotalktomeandhewouldn’t.
“Ian!”Isaidonemoretimeashegotintohiscar.ThenIstoodthereandwatchedhimleave,notevenglancingatmeashedid.MychestwasachingandIfeltlikeIcouldn’tbreathe.Whywouldhedothistome?Ifhedidn’twanttobewithme,didn’tIatleastdeservetoknowwhy?Whywasheactinglikesuchajerk?
Iwentbackhomeandstayedinmyroomtherestofthedayandnight.WhenDadgothome,IpretendedlikeIwasasleep.Ididn’twanttotalktohimaboutIan.Ididn’twanttotalkaboutanything.IwastoobusyobsessingoverwhatIdidtowarrantIan’sattitudeearlier.IkeptgoingoverourrecentconversationsinmyheadandIcouldn’tcomeupwithanexplanationforhis
behavior.Justbeforehisex-girlfriendgotthere,wehadbeenhavingagreattime.Whatthehellhappenedbetweenthenandnow?IknewitwasgoingtodrivemecrazyifIdidn’tatleastfindoutwhy.Whenthereminderwentoffonmyphoneforhisfightthenextnight,IdecidedthatIwasgoingtogoandafterwards,hewasgoingtotalktome
whetherhelikeditornot.CHAPTERSIX
IAN
Iwenttothemeetingwithmypromoter,sicktomystomachabouthowI’dtreatedAlexa.Iknowthatithurther,IcouldseeitalloverherfaceandIhadtowonderifthiswasanybetterthancontinuingtoseeherwouldhavebeen.I’d
madeapromisetoherfatherthoughandIfeltlikesinceheknewhisdaughteralotbetterthanIdid,hehadtoknowwhathewastalkingabout.WhileIwasinmymeeting,myphonebuzzedtwice.IcheckeditonmywayoutoftheofficeandsawthatonewasfrommymotherandtheotherfromKristie.Fuck!Thatwomanjustcouldn’ttakenoforananswer.I
ignoredtheonefromKristieandcheckedtheonefromMom.Itjustsaid,
“Ian,I’msorrytobotheryouhoneybutifyouhaveaminute,couldyoustopbytoday?”
Myheadwasalreadypounding,butwhatchoicedidIreallyhave?ItextedherbackandtoldherIwasonmyway.WhenIgotthere,I
foundherandmydadbothsittingoutonthebackpatio.IstoppedandlookedouttheglassdoorsatthemforafewminutesbeforetheyknewthatIwasthere.Theybothlookedsoold.Theyweren’tevenlookingateachother,bothjuststaringoffintospaceasiftheotheronewasn’teventhere.Icouldn’thelpbutwonderhowlongtheirrelationshipwasgoing
tobeabletosurvivethis.TheyhadbeenmarriedalmostthirtyyearsandtherewasatimewhenIwouldhaveswornnothingcouldhavetornthemapart.ButnobodycouldhaveeveranticipatedlosingEmma.Iknowtheylovemeandlosingmewouldhavebeenhard…butlosingEmmawaslikesomeonejustflippedthelightswitchintheirworldoffand
theyhadnoideahowtoturnitbackon.
Iforcedmyselftogooutthereandputonahappyface.
“Higuys!”IsaidasIslidopenthedoor.
“HiIan,”Momsaid.Ikissedhercheek.
“Heybuddy,”mydadsaid,gettinguptogivemeahug.Isatdownatthetablewith
themandsaid,“Sowhat’sup?”
MomandDadlookedateachotherandsomethingpassedbetweenthem.FinallytheybothlookedatmeandMomsaid,“We’regoingtosellthehouse.”
“What?Why?”
Dadlookedatmewithsadeyesandsaid,“Because
neitherofuscanstandtobehereanylonger,Ian.Therearetoomanymemories…it’stoopainful.Yourmotherthinksthisisthesolution.”
Icouldtellbythewayhe’dsaidthat,hewasn’ttoosure.“Soyou’regoingtosellit?You’rejustgoingtogetridofthememoriesofmysister’schildhood…andIknowthisdoesn’tmattertoanyone,but
minetoo?”
“OhIan,honeypleasedon’tsaythat.Ofcourseyoursmattertoo.”MomwasgettingtearsinhereyesandDadlookedlikesomeonewasshovingneedlesinhisbodyoverandover.Ifeltbadforthemboth,butIwaspissed.Momwenton.
“Itjusthurtssomuchtobesurroundedbythememories
dayinanddayout.Everythinghereremindsusofher.It’snotthatwewanttoforgetherhoney…it’sjustthatneitherofusseemstobeabletogetpastthisgrief.Wecan’tmoveon.We’rejuststuck.Wewerehopingifwesoldthehouseandstartedover,wecouldtakehermemorieswithus,butwewouldn’tbesurroundedbythem.Iknowthishasbeen
yourhomeyourwholelifetoo.Ofcoursewethoughtaboutyou.Wehaven’teventalkedtoarealtoryet.Wewantedtotalktoyoufirst.”
“Soyou’dsellit,andthenwhat?Wherewouldyougoandstartover?”
“Wewerethinkingmaybeanapartmentinthecity.Dad’sworkisthereanywaysandIcouldfindlotstodotokeep
mebusy…Pleasedon’tbeangry,Ian,”Mom’svoicecracked.
“I’mnotangry.I’mjust…confused,Iguess.Iknowthatyouneedtobeabletomoveon…andIwantthat,forbothofyou.But…”
“Itfeelslikewe’rerunningaway.”
Dadhitthenailonthehead.
Itfeltliketheywererunningaway.Asstupidasitsounded,itfeltliketheywereabandoningme.“Iguessitfeelsthatwaybecauseweare,”hesaid.Hegavemymotheranothersidewaysglanceandsaid,“Wewenttoagriefsupportgrouplastweekandwhenwementionedthatwe’dthoughtaboutdoingthis,theresponsewasoverwhelmingly
negative.”IsuddenlyknewthiswasentirelyMom’sdecision,nothis.Hewasgoingalongwithitforherpeaceofmind,Iguess.Iwasjustafraidthey’dgothroughwithitandnotfindthepeacetheywerelookingfor.
“Whywastheresponsenegative?”Iasked.I’dneverlostachild,butthepeopleatthisgroupmyparentswentto
have.Itwouldstandtoreasonthatthey’dknowalotmoreaboutit.
“Theysaythatalotofpeopledoit,thinkingit’sgoingtohelp,anditdoesn’t,”Momsaid.Thenshelookedatmewiththosesadblueeyesandsaid,“ButIan,we’vetriedeverythingelse.”Sheglancedbackatmyfatheragain.Hewasn’tlookingateitherone
ofusbuthestartedtalkingagain,
“Theyalsotalkedaboutthesiblings,”hesaid,lookingatmefinally.“Theytalkedabouthowyourowngriefoverwhelmsyousomuchthatagrievingparenttendstoforgetthattheirchildrenaregrievingtoo.Ithinkwe’vedonethistoyouandwefeelsobadlyaboutit.I’mworried
thatyou’regoingtolookatthisasanotherwaywe’releavingyoubehind.”
“That’snotit!”Momsaid,cryingagain,“Ijustcan’tstandanotherdaysittinginthishousethinkingthatit’salwaysgoingtobethisway.”Ipulledmychairovercloserandhuggedher.Icouldseemyfatheroutofthecornerofmyeye.Helookedsobroken.
God,Ihatethis.
IheldmymomandletthisallrunthroughmyheadandthenIsaid,“I’mgoingtosaythisandthenyoutwocandowhateveritisyouthinkisright.Iloveyoubothtoo,andIknowyouloveme.IknowthatbeingaroundEmmawaslikebreathinglifeitselfin,andit’shardtobreathewithoutheraround.She
wasn’tmychild,somaybewhatI’mfeelingisdifferent…butthewaythatI’vebeenabletocopeandgetoutofbedeachdaysincethishappenedwasbyhangingontothememories.Ineedtosayhernameoutloudandtellstoriesabouther.AlexaandIhavespentalotoftimetogethertalkingabouther.Itmakeslosingherfeellessfinal.Iknowthetwoofyou
rememberhereverysecond…butyoudon’ttalkabouther.LikeIsaid,shewasn’tmychildsoIcouldbewrong…butIdon’tseethatgettingridofthememories…theverythingsthatarekeepingheraliveisgoingtohelp.”
“Ifeelthesame,”myfathersaid.MomstartedcryingagainandIspentareallylongtimejustholdingherand
lettinghercry.BythetimeIleft,overanhourlater,theywereatleasttalkingtoeachotheraboutexploringsomeotheroptionsbeforetheymadesuchahugedecision.
IhatethisshitandeverytimeIfeelthiswaytheonlythingIwantbesidesmysisterbackistotalktoAlexa.NowI’vescrewedthatupandIdidn’tknowwhattodowithallof
theemotions.Igotinthecarandjustsatthereforawhile.Then,Ilookedatthephoneandasbadlyasitworkedoutthelasttime,IactuallyreadKristie’smessage.
“Ian.I’msorryIshowedupwithoutcallingtheothernight.Iunderstandwe’renottogether,butcan’twestillbefriends?”
Onimpulse,likeIseemedto
bedoingeverythinglatelyItextedherback,“Yes.Wecanbefriends.Icoulduseonetoday.”
Almostimmediatelysheresponded,“Areyouathome?”
“Headingtherenow.”
“I’llberightthere.”
Damnit!Whatthehelliswrongwithme?Iglancedup
atmyparents’houseandImadeamentallist:Mysisterisdead.ThegirlIthoughtImightbefallingforisoutofmylife.MyparentsaresellingtheonlyrealhomeI’veeverknownandallofmysister’smemories…Kristieiswillingtobethereforme.Ican’tstandthethoughtofbeingalonerightnow.
Iputthecarinreverseandbackedoutofthedriveway.Igavethehouseonemoreglance.Isawtheimageofmysister,playingsoccerinthefrontyardwhenshewassevenandshedecidedshewantedtobeMiaHamm.Ascrazyasitsounds,Iwavedather.Shewavedbackwiththatbig,classic,Emmasmile.IletthetearsoverwhelmmeandIcriedallthewaybacktomy
apartment.
IsawKristie’scarasIgotclosetotheparkinglotsoIcircledtheblockonceandcleanedupmyface.WhenIfinallypulledintothelot,shegotoutofhercarandcameovertomeetme.
“Howareyoudoing?”shesaid.Shesoundedsincere,orIwantedtobelievethatshewas.
“Upanddown,”Itoldher.ShehuggedmeandmyfirstthoughtwashowmuchbetteritwouldfeeltohugAlexa.
“Youwanttogogetadrinkorsomething?”shesaid.
“No.Ihaveafighttomorrow.Idon’tdrinkbeforeafight.Itgetsmeallbloated.”
“Okay.MaybeIcouldjusthangoutwithyouforawhile
then?”
“Yeah,okay.”
WhyIdidn’tjustsayno?WhyhadItextedherbackinthefirstplace…Ihadnoidea.Iputmyselfintothesesituations.Iguessthedramadistractedmemaybefromthegrief.Shefollowedmeuptotheapartmentandwewentinside.Igotusbothabottleofwaterandwesatdownon
thecouch.Itwasuncomfortable.Ihadnoideawhattosaytoher.
“Ian?”shesaid.
“Yeah?”
“Iknowthingshavebeenbadbetweenuslately,butIamreallysorryaboutwhatyou’regoingthrough.Iwishyouwouldletmehelp.”
“Iappreciatethat,”Itoldher,
“butI’mnotsurehowyoucan.”
“Youneedafriend…”
RealitywashedovermeandIsaid,“Weneverreallywerefriends,Kristie.Wewerelovers…atbest.”ShelookedhurtandIfeltbad,butitwasthetruth.ThatwasthebigdifferencebetweenherandAlexa.IreallyfeltlikeAlexawasmyfriend,notjust
becauseshewasEmma’sfriend,butbecausesheandIlegitimatelyhadalotincommon.
“Idon’trememberitthatway,”shesaid.“Wedidalotofotherthingsbesidessex.Thesexwasfantastic.”Shelookedatmeasiflookingforconfirmation.Ikeptmyfaceneutral.OnceagainIwasthinking,“Notlikeitiswith
Alexa.”
“Butwedidotherthings.”
Ifinallynodded.Ifthat’showshewantedtorememberit,Iguessitdidn’treallyhurtanythinganditmadeherfeelbetter.ItwasatthatmomentitdawnedonmethatascrazyasIaccusedherofbeing…maybealotofitwasmyfault.HowmanytimeshaveItextedherlatelybecauseI
wasdesperateforcompany,onlytoenduptellinghertogetlost?
“HeyKristie,”Isaid.
“Yeah?”
“IthinkIoweyouareallybigapology.”
“Forwhat?”
“Allofthisbackandforthstuff.It’snotfair.Itellyou
we’reoverandItellyoutoleavemealoneandthenIcallyouandtellyoutocomeover.Ithastobeconfusing.I’msorry.”
Shelookedsurprisedanditmademefeelevenworsetothinkmyapologywouldshockher.
“Itisconfusing,”shesaid.“Butit’sokay.Iknowyou’vebeenthroughsomuchandI
understandthatyou’reconfusedyourself.You’respendingtimewiththat…theredhead.ShewasafriendofEmma’sright?”
“Yeah.HernameisAlexa.”
“I’msureitmakesyoufeelclosertoEmmatobewithoneofherfriends…butwhenyouhavethatoutofyoursystem,IwantyoutoknowthatI’llstillbehereforyou.”
“BeingwithAlexastartedoutaboutEmma,”Itoldher,“butsinceI’mtellingyouthetruthhere,Ihavetotellyouthatit’snotaboutEmmaanymore.Ireallylikeher…”
“Thenwhyisn’tsheherewithyou?Whydidyoutextme?”
“Honestly?BecauseI’man
ass.Ikeeptellingyouthat
we’reoverandthenIget
upsetorlonelyandItextyou
back.It’swrongofme.”Iset
thewaterdownandstoodup.
“I’msorry,Kristie.Myhead
hasbeensoscrewedup.The
truthisthatwebothknow
thisisnotgoinganywhere,
andIneedtostopdoingthis
toyou…andtomyself.”Shestayedwhereshewasonthecouch.
Lookingupatme,shesaid,“Seriously?You’rekickingmeout,again?”
“ThiswasjustabadideaandI’mreallysorry.MyheadhasbeenreallyscreweduplatelyandIdon’thaveanyrightto
dothistoyou…”
Shestoodupthenandpressedherlipstomine.Itfeltforeigntobekissingher,andwrong.Itwasn’tonlybecauseIwantedAlexasobadly…itwasbecauseIknewifIkissedherback…ifIhadsexwithher,I’dbeusingher.IalsoknowthatI’dbeperpetuatingherobsession.Ineededtoputastoptothis,
onceandforall.Itookherarmsandgentlyheldherback.
“Kristie,youneedtogo,okay?Wejustneedtomakeacleanbreakhere.Iwon’tdothistoyouagain.”Shetriedtocometowardsmeagain.Shehadahellofatimewithbeingrejected.Iheldherbackandusedmyholdonhertopointhertowardsthedoor.
Thenoutofguilt,Iapologizedagainandsaid,“Oneofthesedays,you’llfindsomeonethatmakesyouhappy.Butnotifyoukeephangingaroundwaitingforthingstoworkoutwithme.”Shedidn’tsayanything.Shejustlookedatmewithhurtinhereyesandleft.ItwasthesecondtimeintwodaysthatI’dmadeawomanfeellikeshit.Iwasonaroll.
CHAPTERSEVEN
ALEXA
ThenextdayIwentonlineanddidalittlejobsearching.Ifilledoutafewapplications,butmyheartwasn’treallyintoit.IkeptcheckingmyphoneeveryfiveminutestoseeifI’dmissedacalloratext.BythateveningIstillhadn’theardfromIan.Dad
gothomewhenIwasgettingreadyforthefight.IliedandtoldhimIwasgoingtomeetHeather.Iwasn’tinthehabitoflyingtomyfather,really.ButuntilIknewwhereIanandIstood,Ididn’twanttotalktohimandlethisopinions…allnegative,I’msure,seepintomybrainandinfluencemydecisions.
Iwenttothefightandsatin
myseatagainnearthebackandwaited.IhadthattickleinmybellythatIalwaysgotwhenIknewIwasgoingtoseehim.Iwasn’tsurehowIwasgoingtohandleitifthisthingbetweenuswasreallyover.I’dgottenevenmoreattachedthanIhadletmyselfadmit.Ievenreallylikedthisfightstuff,whichwasweird.I’dstartedusingfighttermsasanalogies.Forexample,
whenhewalkedawayfrommeyesterday,Ifeltlikehehadpunchedmeinthegut.
IheardthecrowdroarandeveryonegottotheirfeetasIanmadehiswaydowntheaisle.Istooduptoo,feelingthebutterfliesinmystomachtakeflightatthesightofhim.Peoplewerechantinghisnameoverandover.Helookedalmostoblivioustoit
andsadly,itremindedmeagainofyesterdayandhowoblivioushehadbeentomypleas.
Myheartwasbeatinghardlikeitalwaysdidwhenhetookhisplaceintheoctagon.Itwasamixtureoffearofhimgettinghurtandexcitementatwatchinghimwin.EvenfrombackasfarasIwassitting,the
determinationonhisfacewasapparent.Hisnamewasstillrollingofftheannouncer’stongueasheturnedandraisedhishandintheairtowardsthecrowd.HewasconfidentandIthoughtthatwassosexy.IcouldseethewayhewasfocusedononlythefightinthesetofhisjawandIwatchedasheclosedhiseyes,tookadeepbreathandthenopenthematthe
soundofthebell.
Ianandhisopponent,aguynamedBustin’Billy,cametothecenterofthering.Therefereedidhistalkandtheyhitfistsandseparated…untilthebellrang.AsIancameouttowardsBilly,Icouldn’thelpbutlookathischiseledabsandchestandrememberthelasttimeIgottotracethemuscleswithmyhands.I
wantedtodoitagain…rightnow.Thetwomenwerecirclingeachother,fistsup…Ian’seyeslookedlikeapredator’sandIthoughtifIwasBilly,I’dbeveryafraid.
Ianstrucksuddenlywithoutwarning,hisfistconnectingagainstBilly’smidriff.Hispunchesweresolidandquickandinrapidsuccession.Billy’sfistcameupafterthe
thirdpunchandheadedforthesideofIan’sface,butIanmovedintimeforittoflyrightbyandreturnedalmostimmediatelywitharighttoBilly’sstomachthatdoubledhimover.Alefthookwhilehewasbentinhalfsenthimsprawlingontothecanvasfloor.
BillyrolledawayasIanpouncedandtheywrestled
aroundonthefloorforawhile,bothmenfailingtogettheupperhand.Whenthebuzzerrangtherefereehadtourgethemapart.ItwasthefirstoneofIan’sfightsI’deverwatchedwhereitseemedliketherewassomethingpersonalbetweenhimhisopponent.
Ian’strainerwasononekneetalkingtohimfuriously.
Whateverhewassaying,itdidn’tlooklikeIanwaslistening.Helookedlikehejustcouldn’twaitforthebelltoringagain.Whenitdidhejoggedout,rightintoBilly’sfist.Hisheadflewback,butbeforeBillycouldevengetoffanotherswingIanthrewoutajabthatlandedhardonBilly’schin.Whenhisheadwasback,Ianwentforhisribs.Helandedonehard
punchtoBilly’ssidebeforetheothermanmanagedtogetaway.Iantriedtolandaroundhousekicknext,butBillyspunbackandthrewhismassivearmoutandconnectedwithIan’slegs,knockinghimdown.IanwentdownhardonhisbackandBillyjumpedonhim,tryingtopinhim.IanwasabletobringhislegsupandgetaholdofBillyinascissor
holdandfliphimoff.Billywasquick;Ihadtogivehimthat.HescrambledtohisfeetbeforeIangotupandhewasreadyforathunderousrightcrossthatlandedonthesideofIan’sface.Ianbarelyflinchedandcamebackathimwithaseriesofpunchesandjabs,notstoppinguntilhehadhimbackedagainstthemeshandthebuzzersoundedfortheendofroundtwo.
IwatchedashistrainerputatowelacrossIan’sshouldersandhandedhimhisdrink.Iansqueezedwhateveritwasintohismouthandthetrainerstartedtalkingagain.Onceagain,Ianseemedtobeignoringhim.Ifeltbetter…maybeitwasn’tjustme.
Iancameoutonthethirdroundlookinglikehejustwantedtofinishthis.Billy
threwajabathimandhedodgedit,comingbackwithathunderoushookintohisopponent’smidriff.Billy’sgruntwasaudiblebuthedidn’tgodown.Hetriedgettingoffhisownhookbutbeforehedid,Iansnappedbackwithajabthatlandeddirectlyinthecenterofhisfaceandanimmediateuppercutwhichdidknockhimtotheflooronhisback.
IanwaitedandassoonasBillyrolledovertotryandpushhimselfup,hepounceddownonhimandwrappedhisarmaroundBilly’sneck.HepulledupandBillystruggledwithhimforalmostafullminutebeforehehadtoconcededefeat.Heraisedhishandandletitdrop,twice.Iangotupandstoodthere,breathinghardandwaiting.TherefereecheckedonBilly
andthenlethistrainerhelphimgetupandgobacktohissideofthecagebeforeturningtoIanandholdinguphisarm.Hewon.Again.IwasimpressedasusualandfullofadrenalinemyselfandselfishlyhappybecauseIthoughtthatwouldalsomeanhewouldbeinagoodmoodandhewouldtalktome.Iwaswrong.
IgotupbeforehestarteddowntheaisleandIwaitednearthedoorhealwaysdisappearsthroughintheback.Hewassmilingashecameoutoftheoctagonandonthewaydowntheaisle,heevenhigh-fivedafewguysandsignedanautograph…andthenhesawmeandhestopped.Imean,literallystopped…deadinhistracks.Peoplestartedcrowding
aroundhimandIthinkherealizedthathecouldn’tjuststandtheresohecamemywayagainandwhenhegotthere,hereachedforthedoor…likehewasjustgoingtowalkrightpastme.
“Ian…”
“Whatareyoudoinghere,Alexa?”Itwasaknifestraightthroughtheheart.
“Icametowatchyoufight.I’dreallyliketotalktoyoutoo.”
“Ihaveaninterviewafterthis.Ineedtohittheshower.Idon’thavetimeforthisAlexa.”
“Maketime,”Itoldhim,gettingpissedoffnow.“I’mnotleavinguntilyouagreetotalktome.”
“Shit!Ireallydon’thavetimeforthis.”Thatseemedtobethethemelately.
“Really?BecauseIgetthefeelingthatyoujustwantmetodisappearsoyoudon’thavetobreakupwithmetomyface.It’snotgoingtohappen.Ifyoudon’twanttoseemeanymorethenmanupandtellme.”
Hesighed.“That’snotit,
Alexa…”
“Thenwhatisit?”
“Ian!”Histrainerwascallingtohim.
“Ineedtogo.MeetmeatFatteAlbert’stomorrowatnoon.We’lltalkthen.”
“Okay,I’llbethere…butmakesurethatyouaretoo,”Itoldhim.FatteAlbert’swasapizzaparlornearhis
apartment.
“Iwill,”hesaid.Hegavemeasadlookandthenjoggedofftomeethistrainer.Iwouldhavelikedtotalktonightandgetitoverwith,soIcouldstopobsessingandgettosleep.But,itwasmorethanIhadtostartwith,soIwashappy.CHAPTEREIGHT
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I’mnotsurewhatthesoundwasthatstartledmeawake,butIwasthankfulforit.Iwashavinganightmare…again.SinceEmmadied,Ihadthemalmosteverynight.Ionlyrememberedpartsofthem,buttheywereallaboutmysisterbeingdead,andsometimesinthedreamIwastherewithher…deadtoo.I
wokeuphot,withmybodybathedinacoldsweat.Thesheetswouldbesoakedwithitandtwisteduplikerestraintsaroundmyarmsandlegs.Myhearthammeredlikearabbit’sagainstmyribcageandIwouldhavetositthereandtellmyselfthatitwasdarkbecauseitwasnightandtheshadeswereclosed…notbecauseIwasdeadandinaboxintheground.Andthen
IwouldrememberthatEmmawas.Somenights,liketonight,I’dhavetogetoutofbedandemptymystomachintothetoiletafterthatrealization.WhenIfinisheddoingthat,IjustletmyselfslidedownontothecoldlinoleumfloorandIsatthereandwonderedwhenthiswouldevergetbetter.WhenwasIevergoingtobefreeofthiscloyinggriefthatcame
outofnowhereandattacheditselfaroundmynecklikeaweight,draggingmedown…pullingmeintothedeependoftheocean…?
IsatthereuntilmyheartcalmeddownandthenauseapassedandthenIwentintothekitchenforabottleofwater.Theclockonthestovesaidfivea.m.Iprobablywasn’tgoingtogetanymore
sleepthismorningbecausethefirstthoughtIhadwhenIlookedatthatclockwas,“SevenhoursuntilIseeAlexa.”NowthatIwasawakeandI’dleftthenightmareinthedark…IwouldspendthedaylighthoursobsessingoverawomanI’dpromisedtoleavealone.Inmydefense…Iwastrying.Shewastheonethatwouldn’tletitgo.Shewasn’t
goingtoletmejustwalkaway.Iwasupsetaboutthattoapoint,butinaway,Iwasgladshecaredthatmuch.
Inursedthewaterforalongtime,notwantingtothrowmystomachbackintoanupheavalandthenIchangedmyclothesandwentforarun.Iwashopingthecoolairwouldclearmyhead,butwitheachpoundofmyfoot
againstthepavementIthoughtofanewreasonwhymeetingAlexafacetofacewasabadidea.
WhenIgothome,Ishoweredandwenttothegymagain.Iwasbeatingmyselfup,exercisingwaytoomuchandeatingwaytoolittle.But,itwastheonlythingthatkeptthethoughtsinmyheadfromdrivingmecrazy…evena
littlebit.IhadnoideahowtolookAlexaintheeyeandlietotellherthatIdidn’twanttoseeheranylonger,becausethetruthwas,Iwantedhermorethanever.WhileIran,IthoughtaboutitandwhileIworkedout,Ithoughtaboutitagain.Ididn’tcometoanyconclusions.IwonderedifIshouldjustbehonestwithherandtellherthatherfatherpointedoutthatIwashurting
her.Maybehehaditallwrongandshe’dtellmethatandwe’dmoveonfromthere…somehowIdoubteditwouldbethateasy.CHAPTERNINE
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JustbeforenoonIwalkedtothepizzaparlor,draggingmyfeet.IwaslateandsheprobablythoughtthatI
wasn’tcoming.Icouldpicturehersittingthere,thinkingwhatagutlesssonofabitchIwasthatIcouldn’tevenbreakupwithherinperson…andshewouldberight.ThethingshehadwrongthoughwasthatIwantedtobreakupwithher.That’swhythiswassofuckinghard.Ineverwantedanythinglessinmylife.
Ipushedopenthedoortothecrowdedlittlepizzaparlorinthebrickbuilding,buriedandalmostinvisibleintheheartofthecity.Itwasoneofthoseplacesthatattractedlocalsandgotalotofdeliveryandtake-outbusiness,butsomeonefromoutoftownwouldprobablyneverseeitandwalkinsidebecauseoftheoutsidedécor.Theyweremissingout
though.Therewasnothingbetterthantheirpizza.Thecrustwascrunchyontheoutsidebutitdidn’ttastelikecardboard.Thetoppingsalwaystastedfreshwheresometimesatotherplaces,thecheesecouldtastealittlebitovercookedorcongealed.Itwascasualandlaidback,butthefoodwasgoodenoughthatyoucouldgetawaywithtakingagirlthereonthefirst
date.Iknew,becauseI’ddonethatmorethanonce.
IsawAlexasittingneartheback.ShewassippingonaCokeandshehadn’tseenmeyet.Shehadonapairofjeancut-offsandapinkT-shirtwithwhiterosesorsomethingonit.Hershinyredhairwasdownaroundhershouldersandshebarelyhadanymakeupon.Shewasthe
prettiestthingI’deverseenandIsuddenlyfeltlikeIwantedtothrowupagain.Iwassoclosetoturningaroundandwalkingout…butthenshelookedupandnoticedmeanditwastoolate.Takingadeepbreathandtryingtomanup,Iwentovertowhereshewassittingandsatdown.
“Hi,”shesaid.Hereyes
lookedsadornervousorsomethingandIfeltbad.
“Hey,”Isaid,slidingintotheseatacrossfromher.“Didyouorder?”
“No.I’mnotreallyhungry.Ijustwantedtotalk.”
“Whatabout?”Iaskedher.Icouldn’tdothis.Icouldn’ttellherthatIdidn’twanttobewithher.Itwouldbethe
biggestlieIevertold.
Shesighedloudlyandsaid,“Really,Ian?Thisisridiculous.We’renotkids.Canyoupleasejusttellmewhathasbeengoingonwithyou,likeanadult?”
Itookalittlebitofoffenseatthatcomment.Imayhavetakenmore,ifshehadn’tbeenright.“I’vejusthadastressfulweek.Youwant
pepperoniorjustcheese?”
“IjustsaidI’mnothungry.”
“Okay,I’llberightback.”ShelookedatmelikeIwascrazy…andagain,Idon’tblameher.Igotupandwenttoorderapizzathatneitherofuswanted.IwasstallingasmuchasIcould.WhileIwasupthere,Igotmyselfadrinkandwentbacktojoinheragain.Isatthenumberplate
theygavemeattheedgeofthetableandshewatchedmeuntilIwassettledandthenshesaid,
“Goteverythingyouneed?”Hertonewassarcastic,obviouslyannoyed.Inoddedandshewentontosay,“Iwasn’tmadwhenIlefttheothernight.Iwas…annoyed,IguessandIletmyselfwonderifyouandIwere
doingtherightthingbybeingtogether.Ithoughtaboutalltheupsanddownsthatwe’vealreadyhad…butIan,Idecidedthatrightorwrongdidn’tmatter,becauseIreallywanttobewithyou…”
God,shewasfuckingkillingme.Iwantedtoreachacrossthetableandpullhertowardsmeandshovemytongueinhermouth.Iwantedtotake
herinthebathroomandpushherupagainstthewallandripthoselittleshortsrightoffofher.Iwantedtotellherthatasmuchasshethoughtshewantedme,Iwantedhermore.Instead,likethechicken-shitIwasturningouttobe,Isaidtheopposite.
“Alexa,Iknowyouweren’tmad.YouaskedforspaceandIgaveittoyou.”Itriedto
willthevisionofhernakedagainstthebrickwallinthebathroomaway.Itwasn’teasy.
“Iappreciateit,butIdon’tneeditanylonger.I’msittingheretellingyouthatIwanttobewithyou.Yousayyou’renotignoringmeandyoudon’twanttobreakupwithme,sowhyareyoupushingmeaway?”
“I’mnotpushingyouaway.Itoldyou,it’sjustbeenareallystressfulweek.I’mstillnotsleepingwell,andthentherewasthestuffwithyouandcrazyKristie.IhaveachampionshipfightcominguptooandIneedtofocus.”
“AndImakeyoulosefocus?”
Thepizzaarrived.Ilettheserversetitdownandaskifweneededanythingelse.
ThenIdidwhatanycowardwould.Ipickedupasliceandshovedabigbiteinmymouth.AlexastaredatmethewholetimeIwaschewingit.WhenIswallowedandtookadrinkofmyCokeshesaid,“Areyougoingtoanswerme?”
“I’mnotsurewhatyouwantmetosay.”
“Idon’twantyoutosay
anything.Iwantyoutotellmewhat’swrong,honestly.It’snotmuchtoask…atleastIdon’tthinkitis.Youkeepsayingnothing,butIdon’tbelieveyou.Iknowyouwellenoughnowtoknowthatthisbehaviorisnotyou.Somethingisgoingon.Whywon’tyoujusttellmewhatitissowecantalkaboutitandmoveon?”Hertonechangedthen.Icouldtellshewas
tryingtokeepitsteady,butitquiveredalittleasshesaid,“Ifyoudon’twantme,I’mabiggirl,Icantakeit.ButIdeserveforyoutotellmethattomyface.”
Ichokedonthosewords.Icouldn’ttellherthatIdidn’twanther.EvenifImanagedtosaythewords,therewasnowaytheywouldcomeoutsoundingsincere.Shewas
sittingheretellingmethatshewantedme.Iwanther.Whyiswhatherfathersaidsomuchmoreimportantthanthat?Maybehedidn’tknowwhathewastalkingaboutatall.
“That’snotit,”Ifinallysaid.NomatterwhatI’dpromised,Icouldn’tgiveupanychanceIhadwithher.“Ialreadytoldyou.I’mjustfeeling
stressed.”MaybethatexcusewouldbuymesometimetofigureoutwhatIcoulddo.
Icouldtellbythelookonherfacethatshedidn’tbelieveme…probablybecauseIwaslying.Ichokeddowntwomorepiecesofpizza,justtoavoidconversation.
Finally,shesaid,“DoyouwanttowalkovertoRotaryParkwithme?”
“I’msorry,where?”
“Tothepark,”shesaidagain.
“Why?”
“Ijustwanttobesomewherelouderthanmythoughtsforawhile.AndIwanttobewithyou.”
Shit.Shewastryingtokillme,Ithink.
“Okay,yeah.”
Theparkshewastalkingaboutwasafewblocksaway.TheyhadalotofstuffforlittlekidsandaFerriswheelandwaterslidesfortheolderones.Therewasalsoaduckpondwhereyoucouldrentlittlepaddleboatsandaninsidearcade.Shewasrightaboutthenoise…evenoutsidebytheduckponditwasloud.Irelaxedalittlebitjustbecauseitwastoonoisyto
talk.Alexainsistedontakingtheleftoverpizzaandwhenwegotnearthepond,shesatdownandstartedtearingpiecesoffandthrowingthemtothegeeseandducks.Thegeesecamerightuptousandifshedidn’tthrowonefastenough,theywouldhonkatherreallyloudly.Atonepoint,IthoughttheywereplottingourdemiseandIsuggestedtoherthatwe
moveon.
“Okay,”shesaid,“IwanttoridetheFerriswheel.”
“Really?”
Shekindoflaughed,“Yeah.You’renotafraidofheights,areyou?”
Iwasafraidthatwithallthatpizzasittinginmystomachlikealeadweight,Iwasgoingtopuke.Ididn’ttellher
thatthough.Ijustsaid,“No.I’mnotafraidofheights.”
WeboughtticketsandrodetheFerriswheel.Itdidn’tdoanythinggoodformystomachandsittingthigh-to-thighwithhermadethatpartofmyimaginationthatwantedtopinhertothebathroomwallearlier,standupandpayattention.Iwonderedwhatshewoulddo
ifIjustkissedher…hard.WhatwouldshethinkifIslippedmyfingersunderneaththeedgeofthoseshortsandfeltjustfarenoughtoseeifshewaswet?Iwantedtoknowifshewantedme.Imean,Iknowthatshesaysshedoes…butIwantedtofeelit.Iwantedhersobadthatmyextremitiesweretinglingwiththeurgetotouchher,orthelackofblood
sinceitwasallcollectedsomewhereelseatthemoment.
IbreathedasighofreliefwhenwegotofftheFerriswheel.Thequartersweretooclose.AnylongerandIwouldn’thavebeenresponsibleformyactions.AftertheFerriswheelweplayedafewmidwaygames.Weplayedtheonewhereyou
shootwaterintheclown’smouthandpoptheballoon.Shebeatmetwooutofthree.Iredeemedmyselfontheshootinggame.Shemissedeveryshot.
“Showmehowtoaimit,“shesaid.Ihopedthatshewouldn’tnoticemyhandsshakingasIstoodbehindherwithmypelvisarchedsothatmyerectionwouldn’tpoke
her.Iputmyarmsaroundherandmyhandsonherwristsandsituatedthegunforher.Herhairwasinmyfaceandshefeltsodamnedgoodthatonlyapapermanwouldnotbearousedbeingthisclosetoher.God,Idon’tthinkIcandothis….
Shegotafunnelcakeandtriedtomakemeeatsomeofit.IwassureIwouldpukeifI
did,soIpolitelydeclined.Whenshewasreadytogo,shegrabbedmyhand.
“Walkmetomycar.”
IknowIshouldhave,butIdidn’tpullitaway.IactuallygrippedhersbacksotightlythatshetoldmeIwashurtingher.Iloosenedmygrip,butIdidn’tletgo.Ineverwantedtoletgo.WhenwegotbacktohercarIwasfinished
holdingback.Ididn’tcarehowpissedherfatherwasatme.Shewasfondoftellingmethatshewasabiggirl.ShecouldmakeherowndecisionsandIhadafeelingthatshewouldn’tletmegetawaywithmuchevenwithoutherfatherbackingherup.
Everyfiberinmybodywasscreamingatmetotouchher.Ipressedherintothesideof
thecarwithmybodyandtrappedherthere.Shewasn’tresistinganyways,butIwaspartiallyactingoutmybathroomfantasy.Iputmyhandonthesideofherfaceandpulledherintoakiss.Ourtonguesmingledandherlipstastedsosweet…shemoanedandInearlycameinmypants.
“Doyouwanttocomeback
tomyapartment?”Iasked,panting.Ihadtohaveher.IfeltlikeIwoulddieifIdidn’t.
“Yes.”
Nohesitation.Noworries.IfIwashurtingher,whywouldshebesowillingtobewithme?
Welefthercaratthepizzaplaceandwalkedthetwo
blockstomyapartment.Ittookusawhiletogettherebecauseeverywallorfencewepassedwasmorefodderformyfantasies.Ilovedthefeelofherbodypressedbetweenmeandthewall.Iwastemptedtotakeherinthealleybehindmyapartmentcomplexandtakeherrightthere.Thatwouldbereallyhot.
Therewasnoquestionleftaboutwhetherornotshewantedmetoo.Wewerebarelyinsidethedoorwhenshewasontopofme…kissingme,lickingmylipsandsuckingmytongueintohermouth.Myresistancewascompletelygone,andwhenIkissedherback…itwason.CHAPTERTEN
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Ihadmyhandsonherwaistandaswekissed,Ipushedherbackintothewall.ShewassuckingmytongueintohermouthandIinstantlyhadaraginghard-on.ThisgirlturnedmeonlikenothingI’veeverimaginedorexperiencedbefore.IbrokethekissandpulledbackjustfarenoughsothatIcould
lookatherface.Hereyeswereglazedoverandfilledwithlust.Iletmylipsgrazeacrosshercheekandthenfalldowntohershoulderandkissherthere.IletmyhandsslidedownherarmsuntilIreachedherwristsandIgrabbedaholdofthem.Iraisedherarmsaboveherheadandpushedmybodyintighteragainstherseffectivelypinningheragainstthewall.
Shedidn’tprotestorresist,soIkeptongoing.Iwaslostinitall.Myfantasywascomingtolife.
IbroughtonehanddownwhileIheldherwristswiththeotheroneandIunbuttonedandunzippedthetopofhersexylittleshorts.Ipushedthemuntiltheyscaledherroundbuttandfelldownaroundherankles.Iletmy
fingersstrokeherinnerthighsandIfelthersquirmagainstmyhardcockthatwaspressedthroughmyjeansandintothesoftpartofherbelly.Shewasbreathingheavyandhereyeswereclosed.Iletmyfingerspassoverthecenterofherpanties,rightacrossherpussy.ShewaswetandwhenItouchedherthere,herbodyconvulsed.Ipressedmylipsintohershoulderandbegan
kissingandsuckingthereagainandIletoneofmyfingersfinditswayunderneaththeelasticlegbandofherpanties.OnceIwasinsidethere,Icouldfeelthatshewassoaked.She’dmissedmetoo.
Iletmykneecomeupandusedittopushherlegsfurtherapart.Iranmyfingeroverherswollenclitandup
anddownherslituntilIthoughtshewasgoingtoshootrightoffthewallandacrosstheroom.ThenIsliditupinsideofherandstartedmovingitinandout.
“OhIan…ohGod,thatfeelssogood!”
Iloveitwhenshetalkstome.It’snotlikewhensomewomentryandtalkdirtyduringsex.Theyseemlike
they’retryingtosoundlikepornqueensanditjustsoundsfake.That’saturn-off.ButwhenAlexadoesit,itwasjustlikeshewasgenuinelytryingtoexpresshowshefeltandwhatshewanted.Hervoicegotdeepandsexyandjustthesoundofitmademycockthrob.
“Youlikethat,baby?”
“Mmhmm…”Islidin
anotherfingerandsheshudderedviolentlyagain.Istartedmovingthembothinandout.
“Howaboutthat?”
“Mmhmm,”shesaid,noddingherheadtooandmovingherhipsoffthewallintimewithmyfingers.Shelookedlikeshewasinatrance.Ilovedmakingherfeellikethat.Iputmylips
backonhershoulderandshestartedtogetreallywild.Shewasactuallyhumpingagainstmyhand;IgotsoexcitedthatIletmyteethsinkintoherflesh.Shecriedout,butwhenIpulledmyheadupandlookedatherface,Icouldseethatithadn’tbeeninpain.ShewasasturnedonasIwas.
“OhIan…Iwantyousobad!”
“Iwantyoutoo,baby,”Isaid,lettinggoofherarmsandtakingmyfingersoutofher.ShewhinedasIdid.WhenIsaid,“Comeon,let’sgotobed,”shesurprisedthehelloutofme.
“No.Iwanttodoitrighthere.Fuckmeagainstthewall,Ian.I’veneverdoneitlikethis.Iwantyoutodomerighthere.”
Itwaslikeshewasinmyhead,likewesharedonefantasy.HowwasIsupposedtoarguewiththat?I’dhavetobemadeoutofstone.Ireluctantlyletgoofherandstrippedoffmyclothes.Shetookthattimetofinishsheddinghers,andnowshewasstandinginfrontofmeinherfullnakedglory.Fuck,shewashot!Ileanedinagainstheragainwithmy
chestcrushinghers.Ilovedthefeelofherbreastsandherhardnipplespusheduptightagainstme.IlovedthefactthattheywererealandnothardandplasticlikeKristie’s.IkissedherlipshardandwhileIdidthat,Ireacheddownandhookedmyforearmsunderneaththebacksofherthighs.SheunderstoodrightawayandasIlifted,sheroseupand
wrappedherlegsaroundmywaist.
Icouldfeelherwetpussyagainstmyfleshnowandmysenseswereexplodinginahundreddifferentdirections.ShegroundherhipsagainstmineandIheardasmallgroanrumbleupfromherchest.Ipressedhertighter,soshewouldn’tfallandIletbothofmyhandsreachup
andcupherbreasts.IcouldfeeltheheatradiatingfromherthroughthemandIletmythumbandforefingergrasponeofhernipplesandbegintotwistandpull.Shebroughtherhandsdownandwrappedherfingersinmyhair,pushingmyfacedownuntilIgraspedoneofthembetweenmyteeth.
“Ohyeah!Fuck!Ian!”
Imovedoverandsuckedontheotherone,rollingmytonguebackandforthacrossthenipple.IfeltlikeIwasgoingtocumrightthenandthereagain,likeanadolescentkidwhogotoverexcitedatthetouchoffleshandthehintofsex.IbroughtmymouthbackuptofindhersandIgraspedheraroundthewaist.Ipulledherdownontomycockthen.Shewassowet
thatonestrokewasallittookandIwasburieddeepinsideofher.Shegroanedloudlyanddroppedherfeettothefloor.Ihadtobendmykneesslightlytostayinsideofherandthenshestartedbouncingupanddownonhertoes.Itwasthemostunimaginablefeelingasmycockstayedrightwhereitwas,buriedinsideofherandshemoveditupanddownagainsther
walls.
Ibrokeourkissandlookedatherface.Shehadherheadthrownbackagainstthewallandhermouthwasopenslightly.Herhairwasinherfaceandshewasmakingthroatylittlesoundsthatwentstraightthroughme.Mywholeworldtiltedonitsaxis.ShewasthemostamazingthingI’deverexperienced.I
shiftedmyhipsandreacheddownandcuppedmyhandsaroundhercheeks.IusedthemtomoveherupanddownasIslidinandoutofher.WewerebothgruntingandpantinglikewildanimalsandIsweartoGod,Ineverwantedittoend.
MyheadwasbuzzingandwhenIfelthernailsscrapedownmybackIthoughtit
mightexplode.Thiswasthewildest,sexiest,mostintensesexthatI’deverhad.Ibeganpoundingfasterandharder.HerbackwasbeatingintothewallandIhopedthatIwasn’thurtingher,butIwasunabletostop.Herfacedidn’tshowsignsofanythingbutpleasureandshewasgrippingontomeeventighter.Afterseveralminutesofjustpoundingher,fleshintoflesh,shescreamed
outmyname.
“OhIan!I’mgonnacumbaby!Don’tstop!Oh,God!”
Ifelthermusclescontractandthewallsofherpussygrippedmetightly.Shethrewherheadbackintothewallandgroanedandwhimperedandthrustherhipsatmefrantically.Whenshefinallyrodeouttheorgasm,sheputhermouthtomyearandIfelt
aswellasheardher.
“Fuuuuuck!”
ThatwaswhenIcompletelylostit.Thefragileglassthatwasmyworldshatteredandmybodywentcompletelyrigidastheorgasmignitedinmytoesandtorethroughtherestofmybodyinatorrentofwavesthatoverrodeeveryothersysteminmybody.IwasawareasIhadanorgasm
torivalallorgasmsthatIhadn’tputonacondom.ItoldmyselfitwastoolatetoworryaboutitatthatverymomentandIclosedmyeyesandletmyheadfallintoher.Sheputherhandsbackupandcradledmyheadagainsther.Ithinkthismustbewhatheavenfeelslike.
Iheldherthereforalongtime.Iwasafraidtomove.
MylegswereshakingandtheyfeltlikeJell-O.Besides,IlovedthefeelofherlightlysweatybodyagainstmineasIheldheragainstthewall.
“Ian,”shesaidafterawhile.
“Yeahbaby?”
“IthinkIneedtomovealittlebit.Mylegsaregoingtosleep.”
Ipulledmyheadupand
grinnedather.“Wantmetocarryyoutothecouch?”
“No,”shesaid.ShelookedsoseriousthatforasecondIwasworriedshewashavingregrets.Thenshesmiledandsaid,“Thebed.”
Relievedandhappy,Ipickedherupandcarriedherintomyroom.Afteranotherkiss,Idepositedheronthebed.“Youwantsomewater?”I
askedher.
“Iwouldlovesome.”
“I’llberightback.”IwentandgotusabottleofwaterandwhenIgotback,shehadadjustedherselfsothatshewassittingwithherbackupagainsttheheadboard.Shewasstillbeautifullynaked.Ihandedherthewaterandsatdownnexttoher.“CanIaskyousomething?”
“Sure,”shewasstillbreathingheavyandhercheekswereallredandflushed.Ialmostcouldn’tlookatherwithoutgettinghornyalloveragain.
“Iguessit’snotreallyaquestion.Ididn’tthinktoputonacondom…”
“I’monthepill,”shesaid.
Ifeltguiltyforthereliefthat
washedovermebutthelastthingeitherofusneededrightnowwasababy.
“Okaythen,Iguessitwasaquestion,”Itoldherwithagrin.“Thankyou.Igotsoexcited…”
Shesmiledandsaid,“Iknow,metoo,”shesaid.“Icouldn’tbelievethewayyoujustattackedmelikethatrightinsidethedoor.”Shegiggled.
Laughing,Isaid,“Ithinkyouhavethatwrong.I’mtheonewhowasviolated.”
“Hmm!IbelieveIwastheonewithmybackagainstthewallandmyhandsheldintheair.”
Ikissedhersoftlyandsaid,“Andyouwerebeggingforit,”Itoldher.“Weren’tyou?”
Shekissedmeback.“Iwas.I
can’thelpit.You’resogood,andI’veneverbeentakenagainstawallbefore.Thatwashot.”
“Youbetterstoptalkingaboutitoryou’llgetmeallexcitedagain.”Thetruthwas,withAlexa,theexcitementneverreallywentaway.IwantedherallthetimeandwhenI’vebeenawayfromherlikeIhadthepastfew
days,itwasevenworse.
Shegiggledandsaid,“Iwonderwhatyourneighborsthinkaboutallofthatnoiseweweremaking?”
Ihadn’teventhoughtaboutitandnowthatIdid,IrealizedthatIdidn’tcare.Idon’tevenreallyknowmyneighbors…butIhaveasinglemanlivingoneithersideofme.Iftheythoughanythingitwas
probably,“Righton!”
“Whocares?”Isaid,lyingdownonmybacknexttoher.Ilovedjustlayingherewithher.Wecouldjustlayhereandnoteventalkanditstillfeltright.I’dneverbeenwithanyonelikethisbefore.Inthepast,silencewasuncomfortable,andfilledwithuselesschatterthatonlyservedtogetonmynerves.
WithAlexaitfeltsorightanditfeltlikewegainedbackthegroundwe’dlostthepastfewdays.Thisfeltlikeitwasbefore,andIreallywas,alreadyhardagain.CHAPTERELEVEN
IAN
"IthinkIbettergetintheshower,”Itoldherafterwe’dlainthereforalongtimeand
Iwastemptedtopounceonheragain.Ididn’twanthertothinkIwasanincrediblepervert,attackingheragainsosoon,althoughitwasentirelyherfaultforbeingsosexy.Idecideditmightbebettertotakeaquickshowerandtakecareofitandthenmyheadwouldbeclearsowecouldtalkabouttheimportantstuff.
“Okay,”shesaid,“Butthen
wecantalk?”Ikissedherpretty,swollenlips.
“Yes,absolutely.”Ihadeveryintentionoftalkingtoher.Ijustcouldn’tdothatwithanachingerection.
Iwentinandfixedthewaterintheshower.I’dleftthedoorcrackedjustalittle.Iwasn’tsureifitwaswishfulthinkingthatshe’djoinmeornot…butIwasn’tgoingto
complainifshedid.Isteppedinandstoodunderthewarmsprayforafewminutes.Itookthesoapandrubbeditovermychest.Mycockwasstillthrobbing.Iwantedtotakecareofit,butIstoodtheretryingnottotouchit,hopingthewaterwouldmakeitgodown.Iwasn’tsurewhatshewouldthinkifsheheardmeinheregettingoffbymyselfrightafterIhad
her.Shemightthinkshedidn’tsatisfyme…butthetruthwasitwasjusttheopposite.ShemademecrazyandIcouldn’tstopthinkingaboutsexwhenIwasaroundher.Hell,Icouldn’tstopevenwhenIwasn’taroundher.AllIhadtodowaspictureherface…orherbodyandthereitwas,standingatattention.IhadmyeyesclosedandIwasabouttogiveinandjustgive
itastrokeortwowhenIheardhervoicefrombehindme.
“Here,letmehelpyou,"Iopenedmyeyes,shocked,tothebeautifulsightofhersteppingintotheshower.ShewrappedherarmsaroundmeandletherhandsplayinthesoapI’djustrubbedacrossmychestanddownlowacrossmyabdomen.Icould
feelherhardnipplespressingintomybackandifIthoughtmycockwasthrobbingbefore,Ihadn’tseenanythingyet.Sheletherhandscontinuetheirdescentdownbelowmyabdomentothetopofmypelvisandtowardsmycock.IfeltmyheartspeedupandIhadtogaspforbreathasherfingersbrushedagainstthehead.IsweartoGodoneofthesedaysshewasgoing
tokillme.Shewrappedoneofhersoapeduphandsarounditandshebegantoslideitupanddownthelength.ItwassomuchbetterthanifIhaddoneitmyself.MylegswereshakingandIwasn’tsuretheyweregoingtoholdme.JustaboutthetimeIthoughtImightcum,sheletgoofmeandreachedaroundmeforthesoaponthewall.Sherubbeditbetween
herpalmsandstartedwashingmyarms.Shewasthorough,washingallthewaydowntomyhandsandseductivelyrunningthesoapbetweeneachofmyfingers.Thenshebeganonmyupperthigh,slidingherhandsarounditandthendownovermykneeandmycalf.ShewasinacrouchandIwastemptedtoturnaroundandhavehertakemeintoher
mouth.Imademyselfbepatientthoughasshewasheduptheotherleg,endingwithanothersmallstrokeofmyachingcockwhenshereachedthetop.Shesoapedupagainandthenbeganwashingandcaressingmyback.Sheworkedherwaydowntomylowerbackandthendownmyrightcheekandthenmyleft,lettingherhandbrushinbetweensoftly
onherwaydownandbackup.Ihadtoreachoutandpressmyhandsagainstthetileinfrontofmewhensheletherhandslideallthewaydownandtookmysacinherhand.MyeyeswererollingbackintomyheadandIwasmakingnoisesI’dneverevenheardbefore.
“Rinseoff,”shewhisperedagainstthesideofmyface.I
shuddered,almostconvulsivelyandreachedupandtookdowntheshowerheadandbeganrinsing.WhenIturnedtofaceher,shetookitoutofmyhandandfinished.WhenIwasallrinsedoff,sheloweredherselftoherkneesontheshowermatandtookmycockbackintoherhand.Shestrokeditsoftlyassheranhertonguealongtheshaftofit
andswirledtheheadofitwithhertongue.
“OhJesus,Alexa!You’rekillingme;literally,myheartisgoingtoexplode.”
Shesmiledandsuckeditintohermouth.Iguessshedidn’tcare,butthetruthwas,neitherdidI.Whatanamazingwaytodie.Shekeptstrokingitwhileshebobbedherheadupanddown.Ihad
myhandsinherhairandIwantedtoenjoyit…butitfelttoogood.Ididn’twantthistoendjustyet…Igentlypulledherheadoffofmeandliftedhertoherfeet.Ikissedher,feelingherslickbodyupagainstmineasIdid.
“Letmedoyou,”ItoldherwhenIbrokethekiss.Shegrinnedandhandedmethesoap.Thatwasn’texactly
whatIwastalkingabout,butIguessIowedher.
“Turnaround.”
SheturnedwithherbacktomeandIreachedupfortheshowerhead.Ihelditoverher,lettingIsoakherhairandrunningonehandthroughitasIdid.ThenIputitdownandpumpedsomeshampoointomyhand.Irubbeditintoherhairandshetippedher
neckbackandletherheadrestonmychestasIlathereditup.ImassagedherscalpandshegroanedandIfeltherwiggleupagainstmyhardcockasitpokedherinthesmalloftheback.ShemoanedasItookthesoapbackinmyhandsandlatheredupmypalms.Istartedwithhershouldersandwasheddownherarmslikeshehadme.WhenIgottoher
hands,Iwouldwashbackupherbellyandaroundtheoutsideofherbreasts.Ireachedaroundanddidherbackandthenwashedbackdowntoherthighs.Imassagedthesoapdownoneanduptheother,lettingmyfingerslightlybrushbetweenherlegs.
Iwrappedmyarmsaroundherthenandturnedher
around.Iletmymouthcoverhersandslidmytongueintohermouth.Iletmysoapyhandsrundownherbackandacrossherasscheeksaswekissed,andthenIbroughtthemaroundfrontandletthemroamacrossherfullbreastsandswollennipples.Iusedonehandtotwistandtugonthem,switchingbackandforthandIlettheotherhanddropdownbetweenher
legs.Myfingersfoundherengorgedclitandshejerked.
“Ian!”Imovedmyhandandshewhimpered.HandinghertheshowerheadIsaid,“Yourinseoffnowbaby.”
ShedidasIaskedanditwasmyturntodropdowntomyknees.ShemovedherlegsapartandheldontothewallasIburiedmyfaceinbetweenthemandsuckedher
intomymouth.
“Ian…”
IleftmymouthagainstherlipsasIsaid,“Whatbaby?”
Shesighed,“You’rejustsogood.”
“We’resogood,”ItoldherandthenIcontinuedmyassaultonherclit.Sheletmegoatitforseveralminutesbeforeshesaid,“Iwantyou
backinsideofme.”Hervoicewasstrangledwithdesire.
Istoodupandkissedherlipsagainbeforetellingher,“Turnaround,baby.Holdontothewall.”ShedidasIaskedandarchedherbacktowardsme.Icouldn’thelpit;Islidbackdownagainandputmytonguebackinsideofher.ShegroanedandwiggledherhipsintomyfaceasIlet
itslideinandout,slippingafingerinwithit.
“Ohfuck!Ian!OhGod!”
“Feelgoodbaby?”
“OhGod,therearenowords!”Islidanotherfingerinandshecontinuedtomoveherhipsagainstmyhand,butwhenItriedtotouchherclitshepulledforwardandsaid,“No,nobaby.It’stoo
sensitive.Iwantyourcock.Iwanttocomewithyourcock.”
Istoodbackupandgrabbedholdofmythrobbingcock.Ilineditupandpushedintoherslowly.Shefeltsofuckinggood.Ileanedintoherandjustsavoreditforafewseconds.“Ohbaby,youfeelsogood.”
Istartedmovinginandoutof
herandasIdid,Ireacheddownandletmyfingersfindherclit.SheletoutaloudgruntorgroanwhenItoucheditandasIbegantorub,shecontinuedtomakenoises.Finally,shesaid,“I’mgonnacum,Ian.Comewithme,baby.Iwanttofeelyoucumwithme.”
Iquickenedthepaceandpushedintoherfasterand
deeper.IcouldfeelmyselfhitbottomeachtimeandIcouldfeelhershakingunderneathme.Sheshudderedonce,violentlyandcriedoutmyname.IknewshewascomingandIwasready.IletmyselfgoandforthesecondtimeinasmanyhoursIhadanotherintense,mind-blowingorgasm.WewerebothpantingandgaspingandIreachedaroundherandheld
ontohertightlynow,afraidthatshewasgoingtofall,shewasshakingsohard.
“OhGod,Ian.Ohwow!”
“Yeah,”Isaid,breathlessly.“Wow.”
Ireachedforatowelandhandedittoher,thenIgotoneformyselfandwebothdriedoff.Wewentintothebedroomthenandsnuggled
uponthebed.IfsomeonehadaskedmetodescribehowgoodIfeltatthatmoment,Iwouldn’thavebeenabletodoit.
“DoyouhaveapairofshortsIcanborrow?Minegotalittle…damp.”
Ilaughed.“Yeah,topleftdresserdrawer.TheT-shirtsareintheretoo.”Shekissedme.
“Thankyou,”shesaid.Ifinisheddryingoffandwentintothebedroom.ShehadonapairofmyboxersthathungalmosttoherkneesandaT-shirtthatcoveredmostofit.“HowdoIlook?”sheasked.
Ismiledandkissedher.“Gorgeous,”Isaid,honestly.
“Doyouhaveahairdryer?”
LaughingIsaid,“Topleft
drawerinthebathroom.Areyouhungry?”
“Kindof,whatdidyouhaveinmind?”
“IthoughtI’dmakeussomedinner.”
“Youcook?”
Ilaughed,“Yes,Icook.I’mafabulouscook!”
Sheraisedaneyebrowand
smiled,“Ican’twait,”shesaid.“But…whileweeat,we’regoingtotalk,right?”
“Right.Wewill,Ipromise.”IgotdressedandleftherdryingherhairwhileIwentouttomakedinner.
Ilookedintotherefrigerator,hopingthatIhadsomethingtomake.IsawsomestripsteaksI’dthawedoutacoupleofdaysagoandnever
cooked.Itookthoseoutandsomezucchini,greenbeansandBrusselsprouts.IpluggedinthewoktoheatupwhileIchoppedanddiced.WhenIfinished,Imixedthemwiththestripsteakandaddedsometeriyakisauceandgingerandmixedagain.ThenIdroppeditallintothewok.ItwasflaringupwhenAlexawalkedin.
“Yum!Itsmellsgood.”
“Thanks,”Itoldher,wrappingherupinahug.“Sodoyou.Goodenoughtoeat.”
Shegiggledandsaid,“You’vealreadydonethat.”
Ipulledbackandlookedatherface.Shewasblushing.“Afterallofthethingswejustdid,you’regoingtoblushoverthat?”Sheblushed
deeperandsaid,“Wantmetosetthetable?”
“Sure,thanks.”
WhileIfinisheddinner,shesetthetable.Ilikedthis.Itfeltright.Whendinnerwasready,Ifixedourplatesandgotusbothabottleofwater.“Sorry,nofinewinesaroundheretogowithdinner.Imighthaveabeerortwointhere…”
“Waterisfine,”shesaid.ShetookabiteandIwaited.Sheclosedhereyesandsaid,“Wow,Ian!Thatissogood.”
“Really?”
“Really,”shesaid,“Iloveit.I’mimpressed.”
Istartedeatingthenandshewasright,itwasreallygoodifIdidsaysomyself.Wemadesmalltalkwhileweate.
Wetalkedaboutmychampionshipfightcomingupandhertriptothemallacoupleofdaysbefore.Sheaskedmeaboutthefightshecametowatchsaying,
“Didyounotlikethatguyyoufoughttheothernight…Billy?”
“Idon’treallyknowhim.ThatwasthefirsttimeIfoughthim.Why?”
“Youseemedreallyangrywithhim.I’veneverseenyoulikethatbefore.Usually,it’skindoffunnytomehowcalmandpleasantyouseeminthering.”
Iwaspissedthatnight,butnotatBilly.IwasobsessingoverwhatherdadtoldmeandIwasmissingherlikecrazy.ItookitoutonBilly.Itwasnotabouthim.I
wonderedifIshouldtellher.IfIdidn’t,itwouldbejustanotherthingthatshe’sgoingtofindoutandbeangrywithmefornottalkingtoherabout.Iwaslostinmythoughtsaboutitwhenshesaid,“Ian?”
“Yeah?”
“CanIaskyouonemoretimewhatyouwereangrywithmeabout…theotherdayhereat
theapartmentandthenatthefightandatthepizzaparlorearlier?”
“Iwasn’tangrywithyouAlexa,notatall.Ineedtotellyouwhatwasgoingon,butIdon’tknowhowtoexplainit….”
“Doyouwanttostopseeingme?”
“Notevenalittlebit,”Isaid,
honestly.“Iletmyselftrytoimaginethatforacoupleofdays.Itwasnotgood.PartofwhyBillygotsuchanasskickingwasbecauseofthat.”
“Willyoumakemeapromise?”
“Sure…”
Notthatmytrackrecordwiththemwasanygoodlately.IalreadybroketheoneImade
toherdad,andIwasprobablygoingtotellherthattoo.
“Willyoupromisethatiforwhenyoudowanttostopseeingme,you’lltellmetomyface?”
“IfIwantto?”Iclarified.
“Yes.”
“Idoubtthat’sgoingtohappen,butokay,Ipromise.”
“Ihaveahardtimewithpeoplethinkingit’sokaytojustwalkaway.Iguessbecauseofmymom…”
Sheputherforkdownandwipedherlips.Herprettyfacelookedsosadwhenshementionedhermom.I’dneveraskedabouther.Ifiguredshe’dtellmewhenshewasready.Sheseemedlikesheneededtotalkabout
itnow.
“Whathappenedtoyourmom?”Iaskedher.
“Nothing…asfarasIknow.WhenIwaslittle,shecheatedonmydad.Shenevertoldhim;insteadshejustpackedherthingsonedayandlefthim…andme,anote.”
“Sheendedhermarriage…andwalkedoutonher
daughterinanote?”
“Yeah,classy,right?Ialwaysthoughtshewassuchacowardafterthat.Ihatedher.ThatwastwelveyearsagoandIstillhateher.Itdoesn’tmatterthough,it’snotlikeIeversawheragainoreverwill.Shethoughtamanwasmoreimportantthanmeormydad.Mydadnevergotoverherandthatmakesme
evenangrier.He’sbeensingleeversince.Iknowthathe’safraidofgettinghurtagain.Ihatethathe’snotlivinghislifebecauseofher.”Suddenlyeverythingherfatherhadtoldmemadeperfectsense.Alexa’smomhadrippedouthisheartandheexpectedthatIwoulddothesamethingtohisdaughter.Shit!
“Thatexplainsalot,”Isaid.
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Ihavetotellyousomething,Alexa.”
“Uhoh,”shesaid,“Soundsominous.”
“Itis,kindof,”Isaid.Iputmyownforkdownandsaid,“ThereasonIwassomoodythosedaysyouaskedmeaboutwasbecauseIwas
tryingtopushyouaway.”
Shefurrowedherbrowandlookedconfused.“Butyousaidyoudidn’twanttostopseeingme.”
“IsaidIwantedyou.IdidandIdo…butyourdadtoldmethatIshouldleaveyoualone.He’safraidthatI’mgoingtohurtyou.”
“What?Mydadsaidthat?He
toldyoutoleavemealone?”IsuddenlybegantoregretthatItoldher.Shelookedreallyupset.Whatifshegotpissedatmeagain?Ishouldlearntokeepmybigmouthshut.
“Hewasjustworriedaboutyou.Hewasn’tmeanaboutitoranything.He’safraidI’mgoingtohurtyou…HesaidIhurtyoualreadyandIwasafraidhewasright.”
“Whendidyouseemydad?”
“Iwentbyyourhousethemorningafteryoulefthereandtoldmeyouneededspace…”
“Iwasatthemall.Heencouragedmetogoandspendsometimeonme.Whatdidyoucomebyfor?”sheasked.
“TotellyouthatIwantedyou
andIwantedtomakethiswork.”
“Andheinvitedyouin?”
“Kindof,”Itoldher.“Hesaid,‘Comein’and‘Sit’.Heexpressedhissympathyaboutmysisteragainandthenhesaidwhathehadtosayaboutyouandme.HesaidthatyouweremiserableandIshouldleaveyoualone.HesaidIwasn’tgoodforyouandI
wasn’thelpingyougetoveryourgrief.”
“Hemakesmesomadwhenhedoesthis!”
“He’sdoneitbefore?”Iknowit’ssillybutthatmademefeelalittlebetter.Icouldtellmyselfthatmaybeitwasn’tjustme.
“He’sdoneitmywholelife.Irarelydatedatallinhigh
schoolbecausewhenIdid,he’dpullthemasideatsomepointandtellthemprettymuchwhathetoldyou.ThenhewouldpointoutalloftheirflawstomeeverytimeheandItalked.He’ssomessedupemotionallyfrommymotherleavingthathecan’tseethateveryoneisnotacheaterandanabandon-erlikeher.I’msorry,Ian.”
Whew,shewasn’tmadatmeatleast.Ididn’tlikeseeinghersoupsetwithherdadthough.Ihatedtobethecauseofthat.“Don’tbesorry.It’sreallyokay…now.IknowhisreasonbehinditandyouandIaregoingtobeokay…right?”
Shegotupandcameovertome.Shesatherselfdownonmylapandkissedme.She
tastedliketeriyakiandginger.“Right,”shesaid.ShecurledupagainstmeandIheldherlikethat.Ididn’tenvyherdadtheconversationIwasprettysuresheintendedtohavewithhimwhenshegothome.Butselfishly,rightnow,Iwascontent.
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