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Department of Scientific
Publications
Avoiding Wordiness
Don Norwood
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A history lesson
“Such preparations shall be made as will completely obscure all Federal buildings and non-Federal buildings occupied by the Federal government during an air raid for any period of time from visibility by reason of internal or external illumination.”
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A history lesson
“Tell them that in buildings where they have to keep the work going to put something across the windows.”
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Why is wordiness a problem?
§ Confuses and/or frustrates the reader
§ Causes ambiguity
§ Increases word counts
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Wordiness = clutter
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Types of wordiness
§ Unnecessary words
§ Confusing phrase and sentence constructions
§ Excessive repetition
§ Pompous language
§ Meaningless jargon
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Ways to avoid wordiness
• Remove unnecessary words
• Use active, not passive, voice when appropriate
• Minimize repetition
• Avoid pompous language and meaningless jargon
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Remove unnecessary words
Original: Although some controversies exist, it seems to be clear that there is a subset of patients who do benefit from intensive induction chemotherapy. (23 words)
Revised: Although controversies exist, some patients seem to benefit from intensive induction chemotherapy. (12 words)
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Remove unnecessary words
Original: Strong formal proof of this hypothesis has not been published at this time. (13 words)
Revised: Proof of this hypothesis has not been published. (8 words)
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Remove unnecessary words
Original: There have been several epidemiologic studies that have shown a drastic decrease in the mortality of liver cancer in second-generation versus first-generation Japanese immigrants. (24 words)
Revised: Several epidemiologic studies have shown a drastic decrease in the mortality of liver cancer in second-generation versus first-generation Japanese immigrants. (20 words)
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Remove unnecessary words
At the present time à Now
A considerable number of à Many
A majority of à Most
Give rise to à Cause
In close proximity to à Near
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Remove unnecessary words
In order to à To
It is often the case that à Often
Accurately delineate à Delineate
Specifically excluded à Excluded
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Remove unnecessary words
Original: Human tumor tissue specimens obtained from prostate cancer patients (9 words)
Revised: Tumor specimens from prostate cancer patients (6 words)
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Remove unnecessary words
Original: The animal facility has accommodations for up to 500 mice. (10 words)
Revised: The animal facility holds up to 500 mice. (8 words)
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Remove unnecessary words
Original: The physicians’ decision was to perform immediate treatment administration. (9 words)
Revised: The physicians decided to immediately administer treatment. (7 words)
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Use active voice
Passive: Mistakes were made when I created the plan.
Active: I made mistakes when I created the plan.
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Use active voice
Original: The results demonstrating common p53 expression were presented by the researchers. (11 words)
Revised: The researchers presented results demonstrating common p53 expression. (8 words)
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Use active voice
Original: The WBC count and LDH level were shown to be different in the two patient groups in our study. (19 words)
Revised: We showed that the WBC count and LDH level were different in the two patient groups. (16 words)
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Use active voice
Original: If the patients did not pass this evaluation, low-intensity therapy, such as low-dose cytarabine or demethylating agents, was offered to them. (21 words)
Revised: If the patients did not pass this evaluation, we offered them low-intensity therapy, such as low-dose cytarabine or demethylating agents. (20 words)
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Minimize repetition
Original: We measured MAPK expression, ERK expression, PI3K expression, and MEK expression. (11 words)
Revised: We measured the expression of MAPK, ERK, PI3K, and MEK. (10 words)
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Minimize repetition
Original: The mice exhibited resistance to the treatment. The mice also had short overall survival durations. (15 words)
Revised: The mice exhibited treatment resistance and had short overall survival durations. (11 words)
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Minimize repetition
Original: Twenty patients had high HDL levels, 14 patients had normal HDL levels, and 8 patients had low HDL levels. (19 words)
Revised: Twenty patients had high HDL levels, 14 had normal levels, and 8 had low levels. (15 words)
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Avoid pompous language
Original: Trainees are given enhanced decision participation in key areas of our murine-based studies. (13 words)
Revised: Trainees can make key decisions in our mouse studies. (9 words)
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Avoid pompous language
Original: The researchers are considering participating in the performance of numerous trials. (11 words)
Revised: The researchers are considering performing numerous trials. (7 words)
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Eliminate meaningless jargon
Original: Many physicians utilize this methodology in the clinical setting. (9 words)
Revised: Many physicians use this method clinically. (6 words)
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Eliminate meaningless jargon
Original: We are examining breast cancer tumorigenesis. (6 words)
Revised: We are examining breast tumorigenesis. (5 words)
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Tips
1. Care about the words that are used
2. Imitate writers in high-impact journals
3. Read troublesome passages out loud
4. Use dictionaries and Roget’s Thesaurus
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Food for thought
“Anything that goes wrong will always be wordier than anything that goes right.”
Sir Harold Evans
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Resources
Evans H. Do I Make Myself Clear? Why Writing Well Matters. New York, NY: Little, Brown and Company; 2017.
Zinsser W. On Writing Well: The Classic Guide to Writing Nonfiction. New York, NY: HarperCollins; 2001.
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Scientific Publications