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Assertiveness in the workplace
David Winter C2, The Careers Group, University of London
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In what situations would you like to be more assertive?
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Important questions
• What is appropriate assertive behaviour?
• What prevents you from expressing yourself?
• How do you articulate your needs and opinions clearly and coherently?
• Can you reduce unhelpful reactions?
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When do you need to be assertive?
• Dealing with unwelcome requests • Giving praise or critical feedback to others • Receiving praise or critical feedback from others • Expressing your opinions or preferences • Disagreeing with others • Asking for things from other people • Expressing your emotional state to others • Stating your needs and claiming your rights
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Assertiveness and needs
Your needs Their needs
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Assertiveness and needs
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Assertiveness and needs
I value my needs I value your needs
ASSERTIVE
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Assertiveness and needs
I value my needs I value your needs
ASSERTIVE
I value my needs I don’t value your needs
AGGRESSIVE
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Assertiveness and needs
I value my needs I value your needs
ASSERTIVE
I value your needs I don’t value my needs
PASSIVE
I value my needs I don’t value your needs
AGGRESSIVE
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Assertiveness and needs
I value my needs I value your needs
ASSERTIVE
I value your needs I don’t value my needs
PASSIVE
I value my needs I don’t value your needs
AGGRESSIVE
I don’t value my needs I don’t value your needs
INDIRECT AGGRESSIVE
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Behaviours
• AGGRESSIVE AGNES – demanding, bullying, blaming, controlling, coercing, dominating, belittling
• PASSIVE PERCY – complying, adapting, submitting, conceding, staying silent, hesitating, self-deprecating
• INDIRECT IVY – manipulating, disguising, hinting, wheedling, sulking, resisting, disrupting
• ASSERTIVE AMOS – stating, listening, understanding, explaining, expressing, appreciating
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Assertiveness techniques
• Basic assertions (“I” statements) – want , need, think, believe, feel
• Empathic assertions (“I understand, but...”)
• Consequence assertions (“If... then”)
• Repeated assertions (broken record)
• Refusals (not saying “yes”)
What stops you being assertive?
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Not saying “yes”
• Not now – explain that you might be able to say “yes” in the future but not now
• Not unless – make clear what conditions would make it possible for you to say “yes”
• Not that, but this – offer an alternative that you can say “yes” to
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What stops you being assertive?
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How do you feel?
• Angry, outraged, annoyed
• Anxious, apprehensive, afraid
• Powerless, overwhelmed, dismissive
• Suspicious, offended, resentful
• Embarrassed, guilty, self-conscious
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Social threats
• Status – position, identity, respect, authority
• Certainty – understanding, predictability, truth
• Autonomy – freedom, choice, control
• Relatedness – belonging, acceptance, inclusion
• Fairness – equity, impartiality, unselfishness
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Responses to threat
Avoid
• Disregard – ignore it and hope it disappears
• Defer – put off dealing with it
• Dodge – let someone else deal with it
• Distract – try to focus attention elsewhere
Over-compensate
• Dominate – quash the source of the threat
• Devote – work even harder to please
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Unhelpful thought patterns
• Compulsion – should, ought, must
• Barrier – can’t, impossible, hopeless
• Generalisation – always, never
• Exclusion – just, only
• Labelling – unfair, stupid, obstructive, etc. (plus the verb to be)
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Re-collect yourself
• Remind yourself of your core values and strengths
• Commit to principles of positive action – I will value myself and others
– I will be aware of my reactions and my choices
– I will focus on solutions and learning
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Managing the risk of conflict
• Objective descriptions – You said... You did... (NOT You are... You
were...)
• Own your reactions – I felt... (NOT You made me feel...)
• Questions – Could you help me understand...?
• Affirmation – I can see why...
• Solution focus – How could we move forward?
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What are you going to try?
• When and how are you going to do it?
• Why is it important?
• How will you know you have been successful?
• What could prevent you and how will you deal with it?
• Who could help?
• When and how will you review progress?
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Resources
• The Assertiveness Workbook – Randy J. Paterson
• Face to Face in the Workplace – Julie Cooper
• Your Brain at Work – David Rock
• Mindfulness –Mark Williams & Danny Penman