Assertiveness in Action | Workbook
Workbook [Assertiveness in Action]
P a g e | 2
www.asiaaus leaders .com
© 2013 AsiaAus Leaders Pty Ltd
Copyright 2014, AsiaAus Leaders Pty Ltd
All rights reserved.
No part of this webinar or workbook may be reproduced, distributed, shared or stored in a
retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical,
photocopying, recording or otherwise without the written permission of the author or
koolresults.com.au.
Duplicating, sharing or uploading product files to sharing sites is considered stealing and we
will take legal action to protect our rights.
A lot of work has gone into putting together this course and the supporting materials. That
means that this information has value. You purchased this course, and you have a right to
use it on your system and make a copy for yourself. You may be tempted to share this
material with your friends, neighbours, and co-workers. We ask that you do not share this
information with others. Another person who has not purchased this book does not have that
right and is depriving the author and publisher of their rightful royalties.
Although the author and publisher have made every reasonable attempt to achieve complete
accuracy of the content in this course, your particular situation may not be exactly the same,
so we take no responsibility for errors or omissions. Please use this information as you see
fit, and at your own risk. You should adjust your use of the information and recommendations
accordingly.
If you find any errors or incorrect links please contact [email protected] so that
we can update the modules and correct where necessary.
Workbook [Assertiveness in Action]
P a g e | 3
www.asiaaus leaders .com
© 2013 AsiaAus Leaders Pty Ltd
Contents
Welcome! .......................................................................................................... 4
Asserting Yourself .............................................................................................. 5
Assertive Communication at work .................................................................... 7
Non-Assertive, Assertive & Aggressive Behaviour: Characteristics and
Consequences .................................................................................................. 9
Techniques to control your frustrations using Assertive Communication ........ 10
The assertive communication formula: ........................................................... 11
Body language related assertive behaviour .................................................. 13
Assertive Body Language: ............................................................................... 14
Check your Assertiveness as a Leader.... ........................................................ 15
Respect Yourself And Others ........................................................................... 16
Change your Mindset ...................................................................................... 16
Coaching questions to keep you accountable .............................................. 17
What’s Next? ................................................................................................... 17
Workbook [Assertiveness in Action]
P a g e | 4
www.asiaaus leaders .com
© 2013 AsiaAus Leaders Pty Ltd
Welcome!
Congratulations on joining the AsiaAus Leaders network. It’s great to have you as
part of our global business community.
This program has been designed to provide you with as much information, tools and
resources as possible.
Workbook [Assertiveness in Action]
P a g e | 5
www.asiaaus leaders .com
© 2013 AsiaAus Leaders Pty Ltd
Asserting Yourself
Assertiveness is behaviour that communicates leadership . I t can be tr icky
maintaining respect for others whi le asking for what you want; i t’s about
working with people, not against them. I t is a highly regarded
characterist ic of successful leaders where integrity and respect are core
values.
Assertiveness is based on the bel ief that whatever may have happened
in the past to influence your sense of self -worth, there comes a time
when you can choose to bel ieve that you are as important as any other
person.
Claiming your r ight to express your real feel ings and opi nions results in
you l iv ing the l i fe you want to l ive, not the l i fe that other people choose
for you.
Denying yourself this r ight costs YOU and leads to feel ings of:
Frustration
Resentment
Anger
Negative Stress
This results in you dealing with s ituations from a passive or aggressive
posit ion where your leadership is diminished . When people don’t trust
their leaders then you & your organisation are at r isk of creating a
culture of cynicism, a lack of commitment & reduced productivity .
Workbook [Assertiveness in Action]
P a g e | 6
www.asiaaus leaders .com
© 2013 AsiaAus Leaders Pty Ltd
Notes
Exercise:
Think of a time when you expressed yourself as a leader with confidence.
Consider al l aspects of that s ituation eg the subject or issue you were
discussing, the people involved in the conversation, the tone, pitch, volume,
your feel ings & the responses you received .. .. What contr ibuted to you
expressing yourself so well?
What Holds You
Back From
Speaking Your
Truth?
Low self confidence
Lack of t ime
Bad mood
Fear of fai lure
Don’t understand
Low motivation – can’t be bothered
Notes
What holds
you back?
Workbook [Assertiveness in Action]
P a g e | 7
www.asiaaus leaders .com
© 2013 AsiaAus Leaders Pty Ltd
Assertive Communication at work
In the workplace, assertiveness cult ivates cooperation, goal
achievement, healthy interpersonal communication and more respectful
work environments. You may be overlooked as a contender for larger
projects or job promotions i f you’re perceived as too passi ve or too
aggressive.
Leaders cannot afford to be perceived as
doormats or a bul l ies. Assertive leaders are
better equipped to move projects forward
and make things happen whi le improving
cooperation and respect from partners and
subordinates. Having an assertive atti tude
in the workplace can get you noticed as
someone with the potential to handle a
leadership posit ion professional ly.
Relationships
Require Trust &
Energy
Trust is a primary factor in how people work together,
the energy & commitment they bring to their job, the
way they l isten to one another, and bui ld effective
relationships. Yet many people are unaware of the
actions & communication that influence trust. Trust is a
crit ical l ink to al l good relationships, both personal and
professional.
Workbook [Assertiveness in Action]
P a g e | 8
www.asiaaus leaders .com
© 2013 AsiaAus Leaders Pty Ltd
Exercise:
What sort of energy is exchanged in your workplace? For example, the vibes
you get from others.
How would you rate the trust in your team/workplace?
How do I contr ibute to the workplace culture?
What conversations need to happen?
What am I going to say?
When am I going to say it?
Notes
Notes
Workbook [Assertiveness in Action]
P a g e | 9
www.asiaaus leaders .com
© 2013 AsiaAus Leaders Pty Ltd
Non-Assertive, Assertive & Aggressive Behaviour: Characteristics
and Consequences
Non-Assert ive Behaviour
Characterist ics include not expressing your own feel ings, needs, and ideas;
ignoring your own r ights; and al lowing others to infr inge
on them. This behaviour is usual ly emotional ly dishonest,
indirect, inhibited, and self -denying. The non-assertive
person al lows others to choose for them and often e nds
up feel ing anxious and disappointed with themsel f at the
time and possibly angry and resentful later.
Why do they do this? They hope to avoid unpleasant and r isky s ituations, to
steer clear of confrontation, tension, and confl ict. The problem with this non-
assertive behaviour is that they usual ly do not get what they need, their anger
bui lds up, and they do not feel good about themselves.
Assertive Behaviour
Characterist ics include expressing your feel ings, needs and ideas, and
standing up for your legitimate r ights in ways that don’t violate the
r ights of others. This behaviour is usual ly emotional ly honest, direct,
expressive, and self -enhancing. Assertive people make their own
choices, are usual ly confident, and feel good about themselves,
both whi le they are being assertive, and later on.
What in it for them? They usual ly achieve their goals - and even
when they don’t they sti l l feel good. Acting assertively reinforces
their good feel ings about themselves, improves their self -
confidence, and leads to freer, more honest relationships with others.
Aggressive Behaviour
Characterist ics include expressing your feel ings, needs, and ideas at the
expense of others; standing up for your own r ights but ignoring the r ights of
others, trying to dominate, even humil iates them. True, this behaviour is
expressive but it is usual ly defensive, hosti le, and self -defeating. The
aggressive person tr ies to make choices for themselves and for others and
they usual ly end up feel ing angry, self -r ighteous, and poss ibly gui lty later.
Why do they do this? I t is a way of venting their anger and sometimes they
achieve their goals, at least in the short run. The problem is, though, that they
distance themselves from other people and can end up feel ing frustrated,
bitter and alone.
Workbook [Assertiveness in Action]
P a g e | 10
www.asiaaus leaders .com
© 2013 AsiaAus Leaders Pty Ltd
Techniques to control your frustrations using Assertive Communication
Broken Record
Be persistent and keep saying what you want over and over again without
getting angry, i r r i tated, or loud. Stick to your point.
Free Information
Learn to l isten to the other person and fol low-up on free information people
offer about themselves. This free informat ion
gives you something to talk about.
Self-Disclosure
Assertively disclose information about
yourself - how you think, feel, and react to
the other person's information. This gives the
other person information about you.
Fogging
An assertive coping ski l l is deal ing with
crit icism. Do not deny any crit icism and do
not counter-attack with crit icism of your own.
Agree with the truth
Find a statement in the crit icism that is
truthful and agree with that statement.
Agree with the odds
Agree with any possible truth in the cri t ical
statement.
Agree in principle
Agree with the general truth in a logical
statement such as, "That makes sense . "
Negative Assertion
Assertively accepting those things that are negative about yourself. Coping
with your errors.
Workable Compromise
When your self -respect is not in question, offer a workable compromise.
The Elephant in the
room
When you have unexpressed
frust rat ion toward another
person, i t i s l ike you are
both s i t t ing together with an
elephant between you.
Neither wants to
acknowledge the elephant ,
but i t s existence is defin itely
there between you.
The elephant acts as a
barr ier to real
communicat ion. I t al so
prevents construct ive
conversat ion f rom f lowing
between you and the other
person.
These problems can be
dealt with – i f people would
just talk about them.
Workbook [Assertiveness in Action]
P a g e | 11
www.asiaaus leaders .com
© 2013 AsiaAus Leaders Pty Ltd
The assertive communication formula:
There are four parts to effective assertive communication:
I feel
I need
I want
taking responsibi l i ty for one's own feel ings
when When” What specif ical ly bothers you about the behaviour or
s ituation?
Because
what it is about the behaviour or i ts consequences that you
objects to
I want
offering a preferred alternative to the behaviour
Part 1: “I feel”— start by expressing how you feel about the behaviour. Stick to
one of the f ive or s ix basic emotions: “I feel overwhelmed” “ I feel angry,” “ I feel
hurt .”
Part 2 : When - What specif ical ly bothers you about the behaviour or s ituation?
Part 3 :“Because”— How does the behaviour affect you? Examples: “I feel
pressured to do something I really can’t do this year,” and “i t makes me feel
taken advantage of.”
Part 4 : “I want.” This is the tough part for people who feel gui lty s imply letting
others know what their needs are. What this real ly means is giving the other
person a clear s ignal of what you would l ike them to do differently so they
have an opportunity to change.
Examp le: “It’s unfai r to expect one person to continue to take the minutes at
our team meetings and I would l ike i t to be rotated across the team, as i t wi l l
al low everyone to contr ibute & take responsibi l i ty. I would l ike a roster to be
drawn up and everyone to al locate a meeting date to take the minutes.
Workbook [Assertiveness in Action]
P a g e | 12
www.asiaaus leaders .com
© 2013 AsiaAus Leaders Pty Ltd
Exercise:
Describe briefly a s i tuation you would l ike to practice your assertive
communication formula. What would you say? .. . .
Does the formula work all the time?
Of course not, but i t works a high percentage of the time and it gives you a
much better tool to deal with the situation than using anger - which rarely
gets you the results you want.
I f i t doesn’t work at f i rst, try different variations by us ing your own words -
keep at it because sometimes people don’t immediately respond differently
to what you are saying because of your previous establ ished communication
patterns with each other.
Also make sure that your tone clearly conveys s incerity, clarity, genuineness,
and respect toward the other and his or her opinions.
Notes
Workbook [Assertiveness in Action]
P a g e | 13
www.asiaaus leaders .com
© 2013 AsiaAus Leaders Pty Ltd
Body language related assertive behaviour
Assertive communication is the art of speaking in a reasonable tone with
good eye contact using “I” messages (as opposed to “you” or blaming
messages) whi le clearly stating your needs, feel ings, and requests. I f you are
an effective assertive communicator, you wil l also invite the l istener to work
toward a mutual ly satisfactory resolution of the problem or confl ict, without
offending them.
Speaking of offending, an important point to remember is that you won’t
offend people if you stick to communicating your feel ings, as opposed to
tel l ing others what they should or should not do!
An assertive leader is emotional ly honest, direct, self -enhancing, and
express ive. He/she feels confident, self -respecting at the time of his/her
actions as wel l as later.
Workbook [Assertiveness in Action]
P a g e | 14
www.asiaaus leaders .com
© 2013 AsiaAus Leaders Pty Ltd
Assertive Body Language:
Eye contact and facial expression : Maintain direct eye contact; appear
interested and alert, but not angry.
Posture: Stand or s i t straight, possibly leaning forward sl ightly and directly face
the people to whom you are speaking.
Distance and contact: Stand or s it at a normal
conversational distance from the other.
Gestures: Use relaxed, conversational gestures.
Voice: Use a factual, not emotional tone of
voice. Loud enough for the people to whom
you are speaking to hear you and ful l of
conviction, but not overbearing.
T iming: Choose a time when both part ies are
relaxed. A neutral s ite is best.
Exercise:
What aspects of your body language do you need to be aware of to ensure you remain an
assertive leader?
Don’t wait for
someone to
recognise what
you want
You might be
waiting forever!
Workbook [Assertiveness in Action]
P a g e | 15
www.asiaaus leaders .com
© 2013 AsiaAus Leaders Pty Ltd
Check your Assertiveness as a Leader....
✓ Tone of Voice: How do I sound?
Speak in a definitive and firm voice as if I really mean what I say.
No whining, pleading, or apologetic voice.
No stammering, undue hesitance, mumbling, or extraneous words eg er, ah, mmm.
No sarcasm, hostility, or yelling. If I am angry, express it directly rather than indirectly by a
hostile, sarcastic, or “cold” voice.
When I am talking to someone who is speaking rapidly in a loud voice, keep my voice low
and speak slowly.
Maintain my voice at a steady volume. When my voice becomes lower at the end of a
request or refusal, I may sound as if I am unsure.
✓ Guidelines for effective content: What I say in everyday non-threatening situations
Keep what I say concise and to the point; say what I want directly instead of beating
around the bush.
Be sure and state clearly the message I want the other person to hear, instead of expecting
them to infer it from other things I say
Try to use phrases, “I want”, “I don’t want”, instead of “I need”, “You should”, and “You are”.
Perhaps give one factual reason, but no apologetic behaviour or long-winded excuses e.g.,
“I’m so sorry, and well, you know you kinda, well, hurt my feelings when…”
When angry, express it directly rather than by attacking or threatening.
(Table taken from Eileen Gambrill in O’Donahue and Krasner, 1995, Handbook of Psychological Skills Training, p. 103 )
✓ Body Language: What do I look like?
Keep good eye contact; look at person I’m talking to instead of down at the floor or off to
the side. Lean forward slightly.
Try to keep my body relaxed, not rigid or tense. Breathing deeply may help to relax me.
Don’t fidget and move around excessively, wring hands, change feet, etc.
Don’t clench fists, hit, or pound on things. If I get angry, express it directly instead of indirectly
by clenching fists, etc.
Act serious; avoid laughing or inappropriate smiling when someone is trying to jeopardise my
rights.
Workbook [Assertiveness in Action]
P a g e | 16
www.asiaaus leaders .com
© 2013 AsiaAus Leaders Pty Ltd
Respect Yourself And Others
Realise that you are worthy of being heard and that you
have something valuable to say, just as others do. You
have important ideas and suggestions that , after
respectful ly considering what you have to say, everyone
may benefit from. Recognise the things you do well and
feel good about yourself and your achievements, and
take gradual steps to improve in the areas you have
diff iculty with.
Assertiveness requires an understanding that whi le you
can make a request or state an opinion, others are well within their r ight s to
say no or disagree. You don’t get upset or angry when that happens. You stay
in control and work to come to some sort of compromise. When you’re
assertive, you understand that you might not get what you want. You’l l learn,
however, that it not only doesn’t hurt to ask, but actual ly helps to ask as wel l .
Change your Mindset
Remember that you have a r ight to
be heard and your opinions and
needs be considered when decisions
are being made. I f you are often
fearful of speaking up, ask yoursel f
“What is the worst thing that can
possibly happen i f I voice my feel ings
in a respectful manner?” More often
than not, you wil l discover your fears
were not real ity-based. You wil l
quickly calm down and feel more comfortable being assertive.
As a Leader, your assertive interpersonal ski l l wi l l demonstrate healthy
confidence and your abi l i ty to stand up for yourself and your r ights, whi le
respecting the r ights of others.
Take Action Now:
Understanding assertiveness
and learning how to
interact effectively as a
leader, both personally and
professionally, is a skill that
creates positive results for
everyone.
Workbook [Assertiveness in Action]
P a g e | 17
www.asiaaus leaders .com
© 2013 AsiaAus Leaders Pty Ltd
Coaching questions to keep you accountable
Having completed the exercises in this workbook, what wi l l you do differently
in your communication style as a leader?
How wil l you know that your assertive approach is working for you as a
leader?
How wil l you ensure you stay focused on using powerful, confident
communication techniques?
What’s Next?
Assertive Communication is the key to effective communication in the workplace, at
meetings and with teams.