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FAMILY BEREAVEMENT SUPPORT PROGRAMME
Social Work Department
NEWSLETTER FEBRUARY 2017
“Facing a new year - Does it ever get easier?”
This was the first meeting of 2017
and we had a large and varied
group. Some parents were
attending for the first time, some
had been bereaved a few short
months and others up to 10 years.
Some children had died when they
were only weeks old while others
had lived well into their primary
school years. Some had died
suddenly and unexpectedly, while
for others the death was anticipated.
One parent had been
living in another
country when their
child died and had
since migrated to
Australia. Regardless
of these diverse
stories everyone in the group was
living with the grief of having had a
precious child die and everyone
could understand and relate to all
the stories and experiences. As
parents introduced us to themselves
and their child we heard about
beautiful smiles, big eyes and happy
times. One parent said she still
believed her child was the cutest
baby on the ward. The love parents
had for their children shone through
in their stories. Children
with challenges and
difficult times were still
bright and happy much
of their lives – “He
loved music and had
a great big smile”.
Welcome to the February newsletter of the Family Bereavement
Support Programme. We hope that in reading the newsletters and being
a part of the groups you will find connection with other parents, support
and encouragement to help sustain you as you grieve for your child.
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A parent coming to the group for
the first time, several years after
her child died said: “This is the
first time I can speak out and
there is no judgement”.
While the topic for this group was
about living with grief and
wondering if things ever get easier,
the conversation covered a number
of themes which did not directly
relate to this topic. What we
learned was that, regardless of how
long it has been, grief is still there
and can arise for unexpected
reasons. A parent commented on
finding it hard seeing new faces in
the group, more people going
through what she had been through
- “Every time I come I see new
faces. It’s really hard, there are
people going through what we
went through. It is not fair”.
One parent came to the group with
a teddy bear. When asked about
this she told us the bear has a
heartbeat and if you hold it against
you, you can feel the beating heart.
The bear is also dressed in her baby
son’s clothes. She
said she finds this
comforting and has
bought one for her
other son and for
her father. She
says her father
sometimes calls
her and pretends the bear is talking
to her as her son. Other parents
also had things they keep to bring
them comfort and remind them of
their child. “When I was pregnant
I bought this little rabbit and it
used to hold up his breathing
tube in ICU. It has never been
washed. I sleep with it. I bought
a rabbit for my husband with a
recording of our son saying
“dada”. In the middle of the
night you can hear it. It is
comforting”. This mother told us
she always has some of her child’s
clothes in her handbag. Another
parent told us her daughter had a
stripy bear which she loved. They
used to use it to motivate her –
“she would do anything for that
bear. I thought the bear needed
to go with her, but I kept it and
I’m glad I did”. She also had
another bear knitted by a family
member which she loved and used to
cuddle and sleep with. Both bears
now sit by her parents’ bed. One
parent talked about being comforted
by sitting in her child’s bedroom.
Everything is still there in the room but
things have been added as people
buy the child gifts. Her brother plays
in there as do other children. The
mother commented that other
children are respectful and nothing
has ever been damaged or broken.
Having lots of photos around the
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house also brings comfort and a
sense of the child being present.
A mother who has been bereaved
for some years told us: “I have
been going okay, until my other
son started school. He was my
lifeline and I’m struggling with
letting him go. He is all grown
up, he is growing up”. Not
everyone in the group had other
children but those who did talked
about how these children were a
‘lifeline’ or a distraction. Some
children had been born after their
sibling had died while others had
been born before. A parent said
“we have another child who is
our lifeline, our hope”. “My older
son is my hero”. “My other son
is my lifeline; 4 years I have
been struggling with this”. One
parent also talked about her other
child needing her more and that she
sometimes finds this hard as her
daughter doesn’t need her attention
any more – “My son is growing
and she’s not there needing me”.
Continuing to be a parent to all of
your children can feel quite difficult
as other children take up more of
your time. A parent who does not
have other children said “I go to
the cemetery and sit there every
single day. It is my job to look
after him”. She commented on
how other people ask her if she is
working now and
seem to expect that
she is doing other
things. She finds
that people really
do not understand
about grief and being a mother.
Another couple also said they go to
the cemetery every day. They said
they spent a lot of time caring for
their child while he was alive so it is
normal to still go and spend time
doing things for him now. They like
to make sure his space at the
cemetery is well cared for “we go
to the cemetery every day. We
have planted red and white rose
bushes and we water them. We
had friends come out the other
day. People gave us rose bushes
and we have 5 in our garden at
home now”. Other parents also
talked about having their child
buried and what they do or have at
home to remember their child. One
parent told us about choosing the
cemetery where her child would be
buried. Visiting on a Sunday to
make their selection they didn’t
realise how noisy it was during the
week. She said that they decided
this didn’t matter as he had been in
the intensive care unit and that is a
very noisy environment. Other
parents had chosen to cremate their
child. “We brought her home.
For us we couldn’t put her in the
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ashes spread in the water”. This
couple explained that the decision
to do this was not arrived at quickly,
they talked about it. They wanted
to find something that reflected her.
They did not want a shrine. For
them, this reflected the reality of
what had happened to their
daughter – “She belonged in
water, that’s where she was the
happiest. It’s my favourite
spot. I’m glad she’s there”.
One parent told us she placed the
ashes of her still born daughter in
the coffin with her son. They fitted
perfectly between his legs as if he
was making room for her – “I was
saying goodbye to both of them”.
This topic had created a lot of
discussion with different people
feeling that different things were
appropriate for them and their child.
One parent was struggling to know
if she had made the right decision
in burying her child and not having
him cremated so he could be at
home with her. She has even
considered having his body
exhumed so she could cremate him.
She reflected however that when
their much loved family dog had
died they did have him cremated
and have his ashes at home, but “it
doesn’t feel like her. I talk to
her, but it doesn’t feel like she
is there. I worry that this would
be the same for my child”.
ground and
walk away.
We wanted
her wherever
we are. We
sit at our
kitchen table
and we can
see her. She is part of our
celebrations”. “We have her in
an urn in our garden. Japanese
maples are near her and they turn
red which is very appropriate as
she had red hair”. A mother told
us that her husband wants to scatter
their child’s ashes – “My husband
wants to spread her ashes,
instead of keeping them in a
box. If I do scatter them, I’m
not sure if I can have that final
goodbye”. She spoke of all the
goodbye’s she felt she had already
endured and this final goodbye
would be too hard. Another couple
told us that they had scattered their
child’s ashes in a place that felt
right, in water at the mother’s
favourite place in all the world. For
this couple it was the right thing to
do for their daughter – “Once she
died she left. She is with me.
Her body was the envelope, not
her, we didn’t want to keep it.
We scattered her in the water.
We put her ashes in a papier
mâché boat and as the water
soaked the boat it sank and her
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Several parents spoke of how, at
times they have an almost
overwhelming wish to see their
child one more time and the
thought that they are just under
the ground in the cemetery is
very difficult. This also can bring
distress as parents worry about
their child being alone in the dark
and the cold - “I can’t see him
or touch him. We have fairy
lights on his grave and he
lights up at night. He is a
baby”. Even when your child has
died parents retain their strong
parenting instincts and want their
child to be warm and safe. It is
very clear that cremation or burial
and deciding what to do with the
ashes are very individual
decisions with particular meanings
for each person and the key is to
know what feels right for you and
your child.
One of the parents in the group
said she had been watching
videos of her child – “Watching
videos helps me to reconnect.
I can’t seem to remember
what it is like. I have watched
the videos so many times, you
can get desensitised. You
don’t get new photos”. Other
parents agreed that, over time
you can feel like you are on the
outside looking in. You forget
details. One parent said, “I
forget what it was like to have
two children, what it was like to
have the two of them around
the house. I used to think I
should write things down, but I
didn’t, it made it too real. Now
I wish I had”. One parent told us
she took a video if her son giggling
on the day he died. She said “I
think I played it 100 times
when he died. It shows me I
made him happy”. The uncle of
one of the children found some
videos of the child that her mother
had not seen before and he sent
them to her. The mother told us how
very special it was to see something
new.
As we talked about the things that
remind parents of their children,
some parents began to share with
us their regrets – “I can’t
remember if I told him I loved
him before he died”. Other
parents talked about feeling guilty
about being angry with their child
before they died, or even being torn
between the needs of their living
child and their deceased child.
Regrets are difficult as nothing can
now be changed,
but we are all
human and do
not know what
the future holds.
C o n ve r s a t i o n
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continued with one parent asking
“Is it normal to keep them
part of your life?” All the
parents in the group have ways of
keeping their child part of their
lives. Many parents spoke of signs
they see of their child’s presence.
A parent told us of seeing
dragonflies and of the belief that
dragonflies represent the soul
reborn. Other parents also see
dragonflies at the graveside or in
their garden. A parent said, at the
cemetery “some tiny butterflies
and dragonflies flew past.
Seeing the dragonflies makes
us happy. Two little magpies
come near him as well”.
Another parent spoke of Willy
wagtails who seem to dance
around her child’s grave and how
cheeky they are and how they
seem to like to dance around, just
like he did. A parent saw tan bark
in an amazing heart shape when
she was participating in a walk.
She said to her daughter –
“Thank you sweetheart,
mummy needs this today”. She
said whenever she sees a sign of
a heart she takes a photo. There
were many examples of signs of
the children’s presence, some
looked for, some out of the blue.
“You try to find them in
everything”. “The little things
get you through the day”.
The topic for this group was the
question, ‘does it ever get better?’
Although the group did not directly
address this question, listening to the
conversation throughout the evening
from people all at different time
points along the journey it was
evident that things do change.
Memories may become less acute and
some of the detail may be lost, but
the memory of the child remains
strong. There are no new photos and
no new stories but there are new
things to do and ways to keep the
child present in the life of the family.
People vary in what feels right for
them – burial or cremation, scattering
the ashes or keeping them close.
There are regrets but you learn to be
gentler with yourself. There may be
other children who absorb your time,
grow up, remind you of your deceased
child or distract you from the
memories. You may feel you are
going along okay and get surprised
by a sudden memory, or a change in
your life that leaves you grieving
again and for a while you are back
there with the intense pain and grief
of loss, but eventually you pick
yourself up and go on with your grief,
with your child and with your life,
looking for and finding little signs that
your children are still there and will
still be there always.
≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈
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Straight from the Heart
Sweet Child
God made a sweet child a child who never grew old
He made a smile of sunshine He moulded a heart of pure gold.
He made that child as close to an angel
as anyone ever could be God made a Sweet Child
and He gave that dear child to me
Then God saw His wonderful creation growing very tired and weak
so He wrapped the child in His loving arms and said, “You my child I keep”
But now my Sweet Child is an angel
Free from hurt and pain I’ll love you forever, until we meet again
So many times I have missed you
So many times I have cried If all my love could have saved you
Sweet Child you never would have died.
author unknown http://funeralguide.co.za/condolence-poetry/child-loss-poems/
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Contributions such as responses and reflections on the groups’ themes, poems, letters, songs, quotations from parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters and friends, feedback about this newsletter are most welcome. Share your thoughts, experiences, questions with others who are bereaved. Please forward them to: Family Bereavement Support Programme Social Work Department Royal Children’s Hospital 50 Flemington Road PARKVILLE VIC 3052 Phone: 03 9345 6111 Or email: [email protected]
Our letter box is Waiting!
The next meeting of the Family Bereavement Support Evening Group will be held on:
Thursday 16th March
7:30 pm – 9:00 pm The RCH Foundation Board Room
Level 2, 48 Flemington Road Parkville, VIC 3052
Please join us to discuss the topic: “How private and public rituals can help mourning”
Please join us in March
The newsletter is always a team effort. Thank you to Helen Stewart for guiding the group discussion and for facilitating
and to Angela Richards for scribing parents’ statements. Also to the RCH Volunteers team & to Jenny Jelic for ensuring the Newsletter is formatted and distributed to interested people.
Social Work Department, RCH
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please send us your email details to the provided
address.*